she's gone , gone, gone, gone

yep y'all, my sis is off to England. i don't even know for sure if she's landed yet. but her flight was supposed to , and as far as i know , took off yesterday at 4:40 p.m. -- she found out at the last minute that it was fully booked too. she was sooo not thrilled about that. i wouldn't be either. i hate to be all cramped in a small place with a bunch of strangers. ugh. even a full elevator is bad. but a airplane - for a very long time? with someone drooling, and snoring, and tryin to talk to ya? oh gawd it would kill me. i wonder how she's doin.


y'all should have seen her about her cats. you'd think she had three real live infants with her. they had to spend their time here in my bedroom walk in closet.. which is actually huge. they had plenty of room, but barely came out of their crates anyhow. but still, she was in there every twenty minutes to check on them. she made us keep our bedroom and bathroom door closed so her screaming scaredy cats wouldn't hear the "tapping" of the dogs nails on the wood floor"... :))
when we got to the cargo place yesterday to put them on the plane... i actually felt bad for her. i have teased her for years about how she is about her "babies" but really-- i thought she might fall on the floor and cry- real tears" by the time we left there--- an hour later. ugh.
but on the way in, i carried one cat crate, and she carried one, then she went back out for the other cat--- when she got back , the guy had already taken the first two ! she was like-- where are they???!!! i told her he took em.. she looked all pitiful, the he came out and took the one she had.
oh boy. she was kidless. and the whole time we were there we could hear them crying back there behind the door.

well, we finally got to leave after what felt like an eternity. who knew it would take so long to get cats checked in?? ugh.
but we leave-- and i swear. over the next two hours, she brought those cats up over 100 times. you'd think she was never gonna see em again.
so anyhow, from there we went to her gate, and got her seat assignment and checked her bag, then we went to eat lunch, so we could steal at least a little more time together. she thought i was gonna just dump her off right then.. i was like umm , no. she still had like three hours before her flight was gonna bored.
so we got her checked in etc, and went to find a place to eat-- and to our surprise found a place we could even smoke in. woo hoo.
we killed quite a bit of time there, and got her back to her gate where she would maybe spend not more than an hour an a half at her gate. maybe even less. before boarding. i tried to make it be less than an hour, but there's just not a lot to do near an airport.

so, we said our goodbyes -- that were not as easy as i thought they would be. i will miss her.
and off she went.
then i came home, feeling like a deflated balloon --- that had been beat about the head and shoulders :))
i laid in bed and didn't get up til about 5 this morning.
i don't even remember feeling anything when she went to sweden. i don't even remember where i lived or what was going on in my life. call me a selfish bitch-- but i don't.
but this time. it's a lot different. this time i really feel her absence. already.
our visit was short-- but i really am happy that i got to see her before she left.

well.. i don't really have much else to say right now.

so i'll try to catchya latah

two hours ago i sat down to have a smoke

and guess what? i'm still sittin here. i knew i never shoulda sat down. i was on a roll too. but once i sat ... it was all over with. and all i've accomplished is my dishes. i still have tons to do. and if i''m lucky? two hours to do it in. that's IF i get the hell UP. my sister was sposed to take her cats to the vet at 9, and head here straight from there. it's about a 5 1/2 - 6 hour drive, depending on how fast she drives. but-- it'll be the first rush hour when she gets to dallas-- oooh boy she's gonna love that. NOT. even i hate it and i have lived here for several years. i hope she makes it ok, and isn't a ragin bitch when she gets here. :))
i can prolly get done in a couple hours. it's not like it's a sty or anything. i just need to vacuum and mop etc, change sheets , you know the drill. sushi, the trash digger, also has paper all torn up ALL over my office again. it looks just lovely in there. oughtta be real fun pickin that up too.
it's so hard to motivate when stuff is so tedious like that. if it was just basic stuff it'd be ok. but it's stuff like cleanin the fridge, and pickin up 200 scraps of tiny paper , dusting, and doin floors, all that kinda crap that i hate.
anyhow. she'll live if i don't finish. trust me, she has seen worse.





soooo. what else?
oh... i messed up on the day of my scan thing.. it isn't next week it's the following week. the 22nd, and 23rd. monday and tuesday.

and, i'm still not doing very well with reading y'alls blogs. please don't take it personally. i feel real bad about it, and really, it has nothing to do with any one of you as an individual. i still feel the same about all of you. i can't really go into full detail about everything that is happening here. i would like to i guess, but let's just say it has a lot more to do with than only my medical issues. "it" surely isn't helping my medical or health issues, but it is a lot of things that i just don't want to throw around blog land right now. sorry.




the weather today is wonderful. yes i am changing the subject. :)) but really it is. and if my sister wasn't coming today , you know i'd be fishin right now!! it's a beautiful day. and you wouldn't even think that it was december. i bet it's 65 to 70 degrees out there. it's killin me to not be out at the pond. but-- tomorrow is supposed to be just as good. unfortunately-- i do believe i heard -- an arctic blast or some crap will be comin in by sunday night or monday-- the temp will "plunge". ugh. i'm just gonna have to move to hawaii, or bermuda or somewhere.
mary , you can come too. jamie can too, and so can charlotte :)). anyone else wannna come? but no men allowed. no kids either. we'll be "the runaway wives club" :)) only for the winter, then we'll come back to and salvage the sinking ships that are our poor hubbies.

welp, i don't think i have much else to say. i know i don't have any time to say it in.
so, i shall go and get back to work.

i hope y'all are havin happy days in your worlds today

i'm thinkin about each of you today-

soul's worst post of the year

what is this? hell week , in soul land? i'm beginning to think so.
have you ever felt like everything in your world was fading away?? or maybe that it already has?

it seems that i have lost all control of every damn thing around here. i'm even back to being a brown recluse. i hate to go anywhere. i wouldn't if i didn't have to. even so-- i barely do go anywhere. for business- or pleasure. since i got sick-- with bronchitis-a week before the blood clot/ i have gone only to dr appointments, taken soulkid to and from school, gone to the pharmacy, picked up food here and there-- but have done NO major food shopping- at all. i haven't gone fishing since before i got sick. that feels like forever. been to the post office a few times. i think that about covers it. this is since october folks. here it is - practically mid december--- and 34 degrees outside. y'all know i do not go outside when it's cold. not unless it's totally necessary. such as -- doctors, and school. period.

so--- speakin of doctors. wanna hear the latest??? i'll tell ya anyhow. i know ya hate it. but really, these days, there's not much else i have to talk about.
so, off we go---
i finally saw the E.N.T. doc , yesterday, about my thyroid probs. (the nodules)-- or cysts, or whatever ya want to call them. well. he said he couldn't feel any of them, and what i had felt was some type of gland. forgot what he called it-- but it was too high for the thyroid. those are too small to feel. (or be palpable)... so. he seemed like a pretty good doc. he explained a lot without me havin to ask. and he didn't confuse me by talking over my head, like some docs will, plus he wasn't condescending, like my other doc, who talks down to me like i'm a child. we had a pretty good rapport i guess you could say. i'm not afraid to let him cut on me if he had to.
which i spose is a possibility/ from what he said.
ya know, from all my med problems, and past history, and worries etc. i have asked docs about the possibility of cancer.. the biG C. etc. but it seems they always deter me from that idea until it was confirmed or denied. this time, i didn't mention it. i kinda stopped bringin it up-- to dr's at least. i mean i wonder , obviously-- when ya have lumps, and growths, and lose weight, and constant headaches, and want to lay down all the time-- it's gonna cross your mind.. dontcha think?? well, it has. even before i knew i had the things on my thyroid. and if i do=-- it's apparently easy to treat-- just cut the damn thing out-- and it's usually ok. but anyhow.
what i'm gettin at. is this was the first doc to ever bring up the word cancer-- before i did. so, i just wonder. not worry. just wonder. so anyhow-- oh .. btw-- no , he didn't say i HAVE cancer-- it was more a IF i did thing. but he did get me scheduled for a test. yes i know. i should GLOW by now. ugh. maybe i will next wednesday. i got the call a while ago. for a "I-123 scan & uptake"
it's some kind of nuclear thing type test. i will swallow a "radioactive isotope capsule" then six hours later, get scanned. ... then 24 hours later-- get scanned again. exciting, no?
anybody ever have that done before?? i haven't had a chance to google it yet. sounds pretty cool tho.
i'm gonna turn into the HULK someday. i have had more ct's , mri's, xrays, and other things in this past couple years than most people have in their whole life. it's crazy.

anyhow--- not sure how long it takes to get the results... but when i get them... all they will say is whether i need a biopsy or not. after that-- only more waiting. cuz all the biopsy will say is if it's cancer or not. then there will be surgery-- then treatment- ugh. shit.

so. what else?
chantix. i finally started the chantix yesterday. after almost a week of research and asking dr after dr about possible reactions with "my" meds and diagnosis. which i was not getting from anyone. i finally got a hold of my shrink, and she said it would be ok, just to call her or stop it, if i had any bad bad bad stuff happen. cuz it has been known to affect bi-polar folks in a really bad way. so i went ahead and started it. of coarse i am still smoking. my stress level is thru the roof these days.

next?
the dogs got in a fight last night. it was the first time soulman has been here to that . i was glad he was here. cuz they were on my side of the bed, and i couldn't get them to stop. they never want to stop and i usually end up hurtin them tryin to break them up. so soulman jumped over there and beat the crap out of eevee then yanked her by the colar onto the bed..as i grabed sushi by her collar and over to my table. eevee ended up in her crate, and bratty sushi baby got to lay on our bed. i don't know why they do that. sushi just gets jealous sometimes, or eevee gets nervous. it is just wild, and it makes me crazy upset. eevee is gonna kill poor sushi one of these days. if that happens i would prolly kill her. i love sushi. not that i don't love eevee-- i just have a different love for sushi.

hmmm, ok what else. i'm gettin so out of order here. not sure if i've mentioned it but i've been sick for days. not sure why--or with what. maybe just a cold, but of course i'm worried about it getting into my chest. as is hubby. so far, it's just a sore throat, snots and a cough. today, it's not as bad as it has been the last few days. so i hope it's just the quick change in the weather, and it's on it's way out.

speakin of the weather.. i think it was like monday-- it was about 5 when we took the kid to her group thing.. it was almost 70 degrees outside. very nice night. by like ten pm, the sky opened up and we had a crazy storm. wind rain thunder you name it. the next day.. it was dry and kinda warm in the morning, by 9 or ten a.m. the temp started dropping. fast. by evening time-- it was literally freezing. and it snowed that night ! not real snow-- more like flurries. but still snow. in texas. and it has been in the 30's and 40's since then. i hate it. y'all know i hate it.
and this morning, guess what? my heater decided to go schitzo on me. it's frickin freezin in here. i messed with it the best i could. for some reason, it is ok in my room, but the rest of the place is cold.

oh-- THEN.. after i did that--- i started to clean my kitchen.. not sure why-- but when i clean house i always start with the kitchen. so anyhow--- i never claimed to be the brightest bulb in the box. there's a reason for that. we had a bunch of leftover brisket in the fridge-- i kinda second guessed myself, but then said, hmm screw it-- and dumped it down the disposal anyways. and guess what happened?? yeppers. i clogged up my sink!!!! cant finish the dishes now. i don't have a sink plunger. i really don't think a plunger is gonna fix it anyways. soulman is gonna have to take the pipe off. once , a long time ago, i put artichokes down the disposal.. years ago. never never do that. not the real ones at least. man they do some damage-- and he had to take the entire drain pipe off .. it was all full of hairy leafy artichoky leavins. ugh.

well, speakin of cleaning, i better get back to it. or maybe i will take a nap before i get soulkid.
my seester will be here tomorrow. she's gonna fly out of here to go to england. she'll be here a whole 20 hours. woo hoo. beats not at all tho. if the house is a mess she can close her eyes for that long-- right poops? :))

anyhow-- there is some family crap i left out to protect the guilty--- but really, this has been maybe the worst week of the year. not counting the week i was in the hospital. that might win the worst week award. but this week takes second. ugh. there was lotsa worst week awards this year.

good stuff happened too. but soo much bad towered over it. just makes it hard to notice . ya know?

welp, i better go at least attempt to be productive in some manner--- or not. but i can't see anymore.

hope y'all are havin happy days today-

oh happy day

howdy folks--
what's up in your worlds lately?

i want to say "not much" in mine. but that's not all true. i have been busy. but i also haven't been busy. i spent the weekend in bed/ sick. and half of yesterday too. wth people. when i wrote here that i was gonna take it easy for a while longer-- folks said, no, don't give in, do what YOU can do... so, of course, bein the type that i am... i forged on. until i could forge no more. things look a ton better around the house. we have the tree and christmas stuff out of storage, it's just not put up yet. i can only bet that eevee will be the first to knock the entire thing over-- she is such a clumsy dog.
there's been years we couldn't even have a tree because of our dumb animals. different ones , but they all have had their own special issues.
last year we had it up, but we had midnight, sushi, and the cats.. all that's changed this year is midnight's gone and eevee is here. and even tho midnight was blind-- i still think eevee is clumsier.

sooo-- we just keep puttin it off. but we must get on it. we must be festive.

it is hard to feel the least bit festive when ya feel as crappy as i do . i'll tell ya that much. i hate to bore y'all with all this medical crap so often, but really-- i'm goin on two months-- of feelin like shit-- every single damn day. i'm beginning to feel like something isn't right. i'm having all sorts of problems lately, and they just will not go away. the headache, i know-- i claimed it to be gone-- in prayer, in public on my blog, etc, it creeps in and out-- but at least i do have periods of relief , which i didn't have before. which is better than a few days ago. so, no i haven't given up on prayer. i know it works-- and yes charlotte-- jamie was who i meant i saw it work with. in more ways than one. along with a lot of other peeps i know. i have to say jamie tho, was so in your face obvious tho. like the leper by the healing pool. (you know that one?) that's what i feel like a lot. i just lay there feet away from my healing, but don't have enough faith to do the footwork to move the three feet to get in the pool that will heal heal me. like pray, or go to church, i just don't handle things well. i live my life defeated .. before i have even been defeated. i was not like that before. before what? i'm not sure. i just know something changed. somewhere. and i changed. i sort of quit somewhere. or as my sis said-- i lost my young heart. i got old. i obviously lost my faith. none of which, i wanted, or planned to do. just stuff that happened. it seemed an easy transition to slip into-- but oh so hard to climb out of.

i find myself --and have for a long time-- blaming "people" for my unhappiness.. or whatever it is..a lot of the time. when actually, whatever "it may be" is obviously no ones fault but my own. if i have trouble trusting someone.. it isn't them.. it's someone--or people from my past. if i get scared and put the brick wall up just because i feel afraid of getting too close--or hurt by someone.. that isn't someone elses fault-- that is my own fault cuz i let myself get crapped on one too many times. or i'm just too afraid to speak up, and say what's really on my mind.

i find it easy to blame my disdain for christmas, on the fact that today-- dec 9 (1996) would be/should be-- my second sons birth day. he was to be induced today-- and would turn 12 years old today. but that didn't work out, and he is in heaven. i never even saw his face. not once. and i can't NOT be pissed off about that. i have been a totally different person since that day-- and a person i haven't been able to like very much either. many people don't understand that. how i can hold on to that anger for so many years. but i have, and i do. and i can't change it. i have tried. God knows i have tried. but , it's a big part of who i am these days. and Christmastime is when it hits me the hardest. i wish it wasn't that way. it just is.

so yep-- mental stuff, physical stuff, emotional stuff, it can all change your perspective on your life, and your trust level of people and of God. that's not a good place to live folks.
it makes livin in the woods somewhere in a tent -- somewhere warm of course :)) -- seem like a real good place to be sometimes. not havin to be responsible for anyone, or their feelings, or even too much of anything. no bills, eat fish everyday, drink spring water-- or tea and coffee. man, all i'd need to do is learn how to make a fire. and deal with pain without meds-- but i have done that before-- for long periods of time. it can be done.

i know someone who did that for a while-- she did it with three kids even. up in oregon. just camped-- but in some kind of hippie camp-- back in the early 90's. she did it out of necessity, cuz she couldn't afford any other way. i would do it out of choice. just me and my fishin gear. and some kind of mattress and tent-- no way would my ole bod survive on the ground.

ok-- how did i get here?? no, it's not the first time i have thought of runnin away and livin in a cave-- but good lord. it's not an option, and i know it. so just shut me up.
it doesn't sound too bad-- in the short term range tho does it? get into months or years tho-- and i think it gets a little worrisome.

ok peeps-- i think i have lost my train of thought -- again. i got up for more coffee-- and viola-- my head is empty. i know that doesn't surprise you. but i spose i should shut up-- before i do surprise someone with my idiocy.

i may have a second post for today up my sleeve.. an update of sorts. maybe. i was supposed to see my dr yesterday for a blood test-- the PT-INR.. but i decided-- i just may fire her incompetent ass. so today-- at 10 a.m. i am going in to see soulkids dr. i like her a lot better. she always seems friendly, and much more knowledgeable than mine. let's just hope that she IS.
i sooo hate doctors. y'all already know that tho. so i won't elaborate.

hope you all have great days today-- i must go
latah peeps

sunday babbling

what is wrong with me? wait , don't answer that. :))
but my sleep pattern is more screwed up than i think it ever has been. it's drivin me crazy. i don't know if it was the Summer schedule, that messed it up. or if it was before i got sick--with the lung thing--- and added a sleep aide to my already heavy pre-bed cocktail? -- or maybe even after the lung-- good lord since then - in less than 2 months--- i have taken more pain meds than i have even seen in the previous YEAR. ok.. not quite. six months maybe. but still. i'd be way way down on that intake-- if it weren't for this never-ending freakin headache. but i keep trying to get rid of it now for a month-- with little to no releif, so i have been gettin what i think they call "rebound headaches" (migraines)-- because of the meds that are supposed to help it. it's just stupid.
but-- i will tell ya this: and i don't really care if this is something you can believe in or not-- i know a lot of you do tho-- but last night-- once again, i was fighting this headache in bed.. nothing i took for it helped, i was at the point that i was even online-- yep-- with the good doctor google-- looking up "persistent headache."
cuz this is one thing..medical.. i refuse to go all mental over and think it's a tumor or worse ya know. i figured it has to be some other reason for it. that's when i found that the meds could cause the rebound h/a's -- and also-- i knew already , but thyroid probs can cause headaches too-- i just didn't know it would be one 6 week long damn headache.
so anyways-- my phone rings... i answer it.. :)).. i usually do that if it rings ya know.
and it's a friend of mine who surely gets the most spiritual person in my life award.
we talk for a while, and she decides to pray for me-- and for God to release me from this horrible headache. i have to say-- i have never heard anyone pray like that-- aside from a preacher or that type of person. and at first i was a little surprised that this was coming from who is was coming from. i've known her most her life-- of course with long absences-- but still.. she was amazing. yes, it was prolly just a simple prayer-- to any other one of you-- maybe even to her-- as i know she was distracted and busy at the time anyhow. but for me.. it was just , well, a lot to take in i guess is the easiest way to word that one.
so, she prayed aloud, and i of course tried to keep up and pray with her.
afterwards -- we still had more to talk about-- and to be honest-- my headache was still hangin on.
BUT -- this morning-- well yes, i woke up with it.. the headache-- but i'm so used to it, i didn't think much more than .. shit!-- so i did my morning junk, sat down, took my head med -- :))-- and guess what?
i can't say it's totally gone-- but i do believe that it is on it's way out. prayer works folks. i don't know if you know that-- but it really does. i've seen it work in other peoples lives-- and i have seen it work in mine too. things just seem to happen sometimes-- and it's not always at the exact time that "we" want it to happen. but with patience and faith... anything is possible. i think i had forgotten that. at least for it to be so in my life. i say it to other people all the time. but i need to be reminded i guess, that God is on my side too.

so--- i guess that's enough for pastor Soul for one day.

on to other things.

not only did i wake to a headache.. actually-- ya know what i really woke to? my damn phone ringing. that's what. who was it at 8 somethin on a sunday morning??? a stinkin recording, goin on about some factory warranty AGAIN. this place calls me and soulmans phone-- i bet between us-- 8 times a week. and there's no way to shut it up-- make it stop calling-- nothin. so i hung up on it-- went to put the phone back on my table--and i missed, the phone fell on the floor-- and that was it for me.. i was UP.

so--- i go to make my coffee--- it's always-- if not my first thought of the day-- it's my second. i LOVE my coffee in the morning. and i feel like crap-- and act even worse than that if i don't have my coffee. so what happens? i go in there-- we are OUT of coffee !!!!!! think i'm goin out into 32 degrees to go get coffee??? NOT.
there was a little-- about a cup and a half left in the pot from yesterdays scrounging... yes-- i KNEW we were out yesterday, but i didn't go anywhere, and forgot we neede3d coffee. dammit. so today-- i nuke my one and a half cups of day old coffee-- and that's it for me . it's not enough either. in fact-- i'm pissed .
i want more, but i'm too lazy slash cold to go get some. and really it pretty much sucks.

i don't think it will kill me.. but i am wondering how long it will be before i end up at starbucks. or beg hubby to go get some coffee.
there are two things i NEVER run out of in this place---- that's coffee and cigarettes. now, over the last couple months? i have run OUT of BOTH.
ugh. i just can't get it together y'all. really.

i get one thing caught up on, and another thing falls to hell. what is UP with that?
that is the million dollar question.

ok-- now what? that's my morning rant and soap box lecture of the day.

oh i know--
i still need to get a few pix up here. now that i have my camera back-- i shall do that-- latah. :)) but i will get to it today. i said that yesterday-- but yesterday was a pretty lay low-crappy day for me. not sure why-- just was.

i spose i will go now and attempt to do something productive. what that is, i really don't know yet.
but i'll get back to you on that.

hope you all have happy days in your worlds today

nonsensical ramblings from an un-jolly soul :))

href="http://bumperstickers.cafepress.com/item/i-brake-for-sloths-bumper-sticker/40164109" target="_blank">




i just have to get this.. and the hat i had on here a while ago. i guess santa will be bringin santa her own slothy crap this year.
we went too mental last year on gifts. only cuz we never could before. but all have now been properly notified---

the soul clan is broke-- expect little or nothing from our place. sorry.


speaking of broke---

guess what?
here's some money saving good things that happened to me yesterday!

1- i found my camera !!!!! woo hoo !!!! (yep- it's a senile thing-just like i thought. i hide things from soulkid--or even my own self sometimes-- then never find it/em again. well.. my camera was where i usually keep it-- only, covered up with a buncha junk. the kid was gettin a little too attached to it. know what i mean? but i found it and i am happy. i tend to be a suspicious type-- and did not want to get to the point of doubting any teenagers around here. ya know. i just been robbed too many times. :( but i did good. i just had a feelin i would find it-- and i did. yaaayyy .

2-- i FILLED up my car yesterday @ $1.59 a gallon !! i haven't seen gas that cheap in .. hell, i don't even know. seems just a couple months ago though, it cost over 60.00 to fill er up--- i paid like $21.00 and some change.
you KNOW i was doin the happy dance with my cheap ass self. :))

3-- my child lost her lower-- glued in-- retainer-- for like the umpteenth time... and yesterday she got her new one. it cost 150.00--- i asked if i could pay in january when our "flexible spending account"-- medical banked money card-- kicks in. they said YES! woo hooo.

4- -and that made me happy-- cuz we had a bunch of rx's to fill. between me and soulkid-- it it gettin carazay! even with insurance--- it's just outrageous trying to get or stay healthy anymore. one of hers was 72.00, another was 40.00, one of mine was the Usual copay of 10.00.... BUT---- omg-- i almost stroked out when they told me the chantix i had been bitchin about not havin for the last week, had finally been called in and was ready----- for a mere $112.00. i nearly fell out . BUT, i broke out the ole plastic-- that WAS christmas stash, and paid it. that's a lot of damn money for meds. i am seriously gonna have to drag my ass to dallas-- soon-- and get my meds from there. they won't have the chantix... but i spend at minimum, on a regular basis, every month--just for me and all my stupid ailments.. $10,4,10,40,10,70, 10, 10,10,-- so that adds up to ??? = OMG .. $174.00 ! each month. how STUPID that i pay that out of pocket... when i could get ALL of them except for 2 of the ten dollar ones, FREE from the veterans hospital. (because they are all service connected.) ugh. i COULD be payin... 20 a month for the migraine med.. cuz the VA doesn't carry it-- even tho migraines are SC. and then the hydrocortisone (steroids).. cuz they won't SC the addisons' . which i think is BS-- i think that's what started my entire downfall. but anyhow--- that was a whole lotta nuthin about a whole lota nuthin. but-- good to know i could-- and will..be saving 150 a month on freakin meds.
IF ONLY i would carry my traffic phobed self to dallas!!! oh how i do not wanna. but i must.grrrrr.
why didn't i add that crap up a year ago? i don't want to see their doctors-- i want to keep my own dr's , but once the VA knows what i take-- they'll give it to me-- and usually 6 months worth-- well one month at a time of course. but still. that adds up. i spose i best be gettin on the phone huh?

hmmmm... anything else? i'm thinkin not. looks like i have money on the brain today. not my favorite kinda days. good motivation for cleaning though. stress is a good motivator for me. well, sometimes it is. other times it lays me out. but lately it has been working to my advantage. y'all should see my house. those who "know" me would be proud :)) i know i am.


i also HAVE to get a freakin haircut. my gawd, if i don't i'm just gonna break down and let soulkid cut it! she does her friends, and hasn't butchered anybody yet. she's actually pretty good. i'm just weird about my hair, and who cuts it. i know, you couldn't tell by lookin, but that's cuz-- for some reason, even tho i have the simplest of haircuts--- nobody can do it right. ugh.
that would be why i look like cousin IT right now-- with mousy brown yukky hair. i just gotta get it cut. once it's cut-- hubby will frost it for me. i hope. well, he better, or i will just go pay for it-- and he will wish he did. bwa hahahahahaha.

ok-- i better get up off my laze, and get this day goin.
it's garbage day, and cleanin the fridge is on my list-- woo hoo !!! one of my hated chores-- in case you didn't know.

happy trails my friends....
i'll be around later on, and try to catch up.
well, unless i can talk someone into goin to see a movie. i don't even know what's out-- do you???

oh first----
what's worse than fallin asleep cruisin blogs?
fallin asleep chatting with someone on yahoo-- that's what-- and not just once-- like four times !!! ugh. now, that is patience! (on her part)
haha. and embarrassing -(on mine)

laterz peeps-


oh btw ===




anybody christmas shopping yet?
i'm only thinkin about it so far.
tree goes up this weekend (it's still in storage.)
i'll put my snowbabies out today tho--- maybe that will help de-scrooge me????
yep suuuure. maybe in another life. but i can try. i am demanding happiness from myself AND others this christmas!

ok-- i gotsta get goin.. late now-- oops.

happy days to y'all

welp i figure i better post before Brad turns blue on us :))

Hmmmm. i don't know y'all. whaddaya think?

i think he looks pretty good in blue. brad papa smurf. or would that be papa brad smurf?


anyhow--- there's brad-- hopefully i got here in time. :))

how the hell have ya been people?? !!!
i hope everything is good -- everywhere.
i haven't made it very far--or very often around blogland lately, so i am sorry if i've missed anything important. i have kept up with a few of you a little-- and that has been good, but i wish things could be better for a couple of you-- and i'm sure it's that way for some i haven't kept up with.

this has really been a shitty year as a whole, i would say. for many people i know, not only myself. it just has. some has been financial, some medical, some folks lost someone they love, or watched as someone they love lost someone. kids have gotten bigger-- and found bigger problems-- for their self , and their parents.
it seems there's been a lot of heartache in 2008. i will be extremely happy to watch it go out. this is one New Years Eve that i may actually force myself to go out and celebrate. that means somethin-- i haven't gon out for new years, since soulkid was born. hmm. come to think of it- there's a lot of things i haven't done since soulkid was born. but that doesn't really matter here. just kinda fell out.
oh by the way, i think i said it before here recently, so maybe as a reminder to myself this New Years :

STEP AWAY FROM

THE BAD LUCK PEAS !!!!!

i really do blame the freakin black eyed peas i ate for New Years. It was a tradition i had heard of, and had many people ask me if i followed it. i always said, hmm why no, no do not eat black eyed peas on new years for good luck, i oughtta try that sometime.
well folks... i did try it sometime. that time was 2008 new years. and the year came in by putting my best dog ever to sleep. i had that dog for like 13 years-- she was a fifteen year old black lab, she was my soul-mate. she is where i got the name "soul-mange".. not that that's a good name... but shortly after i got her.. she got pregnant by our other dog Aztec== a shephard. well, Midnight, my dog, ended up having TEN puppies. she dug a CAVE under my back patio, big enough for me and two of YOU to get under. and she had her pups under there. well, i was told it had something to do with the dirt-or something in it (there) -- combined with her genes (?) or something-- caused her and all ten puppies to get mange. it was the saddest animal thing i think i may have seen -- up to that point. well.. there was another-- but i won't tell you about that right now. anyhow-- yep-- i took the puppies at about 6 weeks, maybe to the animal shelter, they said it was mange, and they would have to put all ten down. i left there so sad. it just was sad. but i of course kept midnight. i took her to the vet-- at first they said it was ringworm or some crap.. so i treated her for that. but she continued to lose weight-- along with all her hair. she would just sit there and look all pitiful and helpless, and scratch herself, and it just made me want to cry. i told someone one day that i was just gonna have to have someone take her out and shoot her or something. we didn't have the money then to "do it right". she told me to take her one more time to a different doggie dr. i almost didn't. i almost had my mind made up. it was such a tough decision as it were. i loved that dog. i loved her the minute i saw her. meeting that dog, might just be the most vivid memory i have. well.. it sure is one of them. but i remember everything about it. well, anyhow--- i worked back then, and kept the company truck at night, so when i left that day- i just picked up midnight and took her to a different dog dr. he gave her the proper diagnosis of whatever word for hereditary /mange. he gave -- well of course i mean sold.... me some of the best magical shampoo and vitamins a dog--or dog mom could pray for--- and it brought my midnight back to life!!! it was amazing. it took maybe a week for her to look like a dog again, and get some hair etc and stop the god awful scratching... but after that--and another week of the magic soap baths? she was perfect all over again.
she had the best life any spoiled miracle soul dog could ever wish for too. i bet i treated that dog better than my own husband :))

anyhow---
that is not what i intended to write when i sat here---- but i don't think what i intend to write ever ends up here anyways.

but -- i must go now-- time to go round up the soulkid from school.

catchya later folks-

brad? you ok man??

could i be MORE bored?

i feel a post 'a comin , it's rollin round the bend
i ain't read a post from soul since
well, i don't know when
she's got y'all on her mind tho
she's got y'all in her heart
there aint a day that passes by that
she doesn't want to write
she reads the comments in her box
she reads her emails too
this gal out here in texas said
by gummit i'm gettin the blues
she needs to clear her mind some
she aint makin too much sense
she's had too much stuff goin on
it's made her a little bit dense
she said to tell her friends out there,
her buddies that read, and write
that soul has somethin goin on
but she's not postin tonight :))

maybe tomorrow-
i love you guys--
shane--hahaha :))
g'nite peeps

takin a blog break

i need some time away from here. i can't keep up and i can't think straight.
so, i'm gonna just focus on some other things in front of me for a while.


take care folks

just a'cuz . . .

hi folks



yep-- justacuz-- that's why i'm writin again. i think it has been a while since i wrote twice in one day. so i decided i would hop on and say somethin. i'm not really sure what to say yet.. but somethin will come to me in a minute.

hopefully it will make more sense than that "thing" below this one did. i obviously didn't proofread that, before i posted it. i really was falling asleep. if not sleeping already. i hit post, shut the lid, and went to to bed.

i just read it a couple hours ago-- and it answered my question for the day-- of why isn't anyone talkin on here. hmmm. i oughtta just delete the entire mess. but i won't. but i will say that i am sorry for ramblin on that way and "takin you nowhere".holy crap. i don't know what's wrong with me. but i am beginning to worry. the more i write or read on here.







i will tell ya this much-- it's NOT drugs or alcohol-- i haven't even started the chantix yet -- cuz my stupid bitch dr STILL hasn't called it in.

in fact i want a smoke so damn bad-- i may not even make it to sleep without one. ugh. i am NOT in a good mood right now-- and i am jonsin man. ugh ugh ugh. my ONLY vice. i don't think i can'T NOT smoke. i know i can't clean flippin 24 hours a day. i've tried. and trust me... it looks good, but the human body doesn't appreciate it. especially my human body. :))

i think i will apologize here -
--->>>>>>
ok... here--->>>> sorry, if you got a text from me last night-- like really really late :)) , i sent it at 10 p.m. - but someone told me hers didn't hit til 2 a.m. YIKES-- sorry. and hey-- whoever you are that got a text to a landline-- that was ME!!! LOL. i don't know who you are either-- but let me know hahaha .. that was pretty funny-- and it prolly cost a fortune :)) text to a landline... who ever heard of such a thing??/ how does that even work??? only me peeps i'm tellin ya-- well and the gal on the other end :)) i just can't think who that might have been. hmmm.

so, now what?
i don't know either.
i don't know what the temp was outside today, but it musta been real nice. it was HOT inside. still is, actually. haha-- i'm sweating, oh , nevermind.

ya know, i was talking with a friend last night--- i know, shocking isn't it-- i have a couple :))
but anyhow, we got to talking about God, and prayer, and faith, and that type of stuff.

so, the thing is, it made me think-- not immediately, ya know-- kinda like right now-- i was gonna say something totally different-- but i will say this instead-- and you'll prolly be glad for it :)) cuz it's not medical crap-

i really need more faith, and God stimulating conversation in my life. it was nice to talk about that stuff. it was feel-goody, and i even had a couple epiphany's...ya know. it was kinda like walkin into a bright clean room-or something. alright ! fishin on a clear calm lake!!! ok , how's that? :))

anyways, i really am not a very vocal person around here. i maybe would be-- but-- it just doesn't work out that way. for whatever reason. i just don't talk much around here.
i was on the, phone a lot yesterday tho -- it was actually fun too. and i usually hate talking on the phone. i avoid it at all costs. i gotta really really like ya to spend time on the phone with ya -- so
well just remember that. :)) -- that includes texts .. cuz i am half blind and very sloooow at texting. so even "You" better like me at least a little to put up with my texts :))
sooo anyhow where were we---

i texted a bunch too -- got bunches too.
hubby was joking-- aren't you miss popular?
lol.
really--- my phone ne-ver rings.
if it does-it's a bill collector--a dr. ---a teacher--- or a wrong number--- once in a while , a pal, or a relative (my sis or one of her boys) will text or call... but so rare... i could offer someone a dollar for every call i've received in 2008 NOT from a business or wrong number--and i wouldn't flinch.... but that don't count hubby and soulkid. ok not their texts we can count voice calls. but-- i refuse to be the one to count those calls :))
you willing? i'll pay.


so ya, anyhow. i was crackin up on the phone yesterday-- and again tonight... it's just crazy... i'm so easy to please. why then am i "apparentle//allegedly" such a pain to some people? i wish i knew. no one ever tells me-- but the frustration oozes from their pores, until i want to run away screaming.

or--- in this case--- go in my room and smoke!!!!
perhaps, run away -- for a few days. i said for a few days. stop cryin kids. i'd come home.

*

ugh. luckily--- it's passed my bedtime
i'm not gonna smoke.
i am gonna go to bed tho.
damn it's hot---i hope y'all aren't freezin wherever you're at.

*

i hope you are with someone who makes you laugh...
in a bed that keeps you warm
under a sky that makes you think of something happy
i hope you know that someone loves you-



(not necessarily me-- could be someone in the room with you :))
or---it might be me---
perhaps me AND someone there?? hmmm
how bout that?

how bout i shut up and go to bed?
yep-- that's my vote too

i can't believe how LATE it is, (11:56 p.m.-- for a old lady-that's late :))
and blogger wont let me post. dammit.
gawd i'm tiad
one more try---

back to real life

well, it's ovah. all that's left is a sink full of dishes. and a few memories. la la la. (sigh)
i understand the sentiment of the day and all, but really. why does it have to be such a big damn deal??? sure there is a period of about ten years somewhere in our lives that thanksgiving is a wonderful day. it kickstarts christmas, the crowds, the family spirit, the shopping spirit, the "attitude of gratitude". you know... it all just gets you in the mindset for going into debt at christmas , even on people you haven't seen or heard from in years, and know you won't til at least the following year. and you don't even care. well, for a while-- at least til the bills roll in.
my point? it's all about the money. it really doesn't need to be-- not for me. not for a lot of people. but even for the peeps like us-- it becomes that way. especially when ya get "out-gifted"-- and then feel all bad for it. that would be when someone gets you a better-or more expensive gift than you expected-- then ya feel all guilty and crappy , and rush out and send them something better than the last gift-- oops. happens to me all the time. or it's the other way around-- and i know it really isn't what it's about-- but there are the times-- when you feel the need to buy someone (from your heart) something really nice-or special-- doesn't even have to be expensive-- and then-- they haven't even thought of you--- no card-- no gift-- no nuthin. just--oh crap, sorry dude.
that's only part of what i hate about christmas.
the other part-- of course the weather.
and of course--- this is just "one of those times of year... that brings me down-- do to a bad event, many years ago, that i will forever be reminded of at christmastime.
and because of that--- for the last many years-- most of my poor soulkids life... i have been a nasty scrooge. just never in the true holiday spirit-- never into decorating, shopping, jollyness.. none of it really. santa overcompensates when able-- we've had a few poor christmases - but even then- i made sure- that soulkid got lots of junk-- a whole lot. two grandparents always send money... then of course we would do whatever we had to to come up with what we had to to get whatever else she wanted.
well... i guess it took me a long time to get to this point-- but i have come to the conclusion that
1- santa is dead.
2- if i send you a gift of any sort-- be happy i even attempted to do so-- cuz i guarantee it is not my favorite thing to do-- (shop--etc---not "think of you" :))
3- i'm broke this year-- so don't expect much--if anything-- i already gave the kid the speel.. and of course she spazzed. she doesn't remember her scroll kit christmases. LOL nah hers were always good. but she's older, she did ask for less-- but oh boy-- the three or four things she wants? total, what filled under the tree in previous years. sooo wth?
4- how did i get here? why am i writing all this crap? i thinnk i will change the subject. maybe i was just sayin... last year-- i came into some cash-- and by making up for lost time-- and of course down payments on 2 vehicles--and moving--and paying movers--cuz we don't even know 9 people, much less nine that would volunteer to move us--like kelly jene---- she's a loveable gal eh? blessed to have friends like that too--- but anyhow---
the year for me and my clan? started out on a major level of suckage. i even put my oldest , longest ever owned best animal to sleep in the beginning of the year... yep-- my midnight. my soul-mate. i KNOW we "talked". we communicated soul to soul.. though our eyes, and minds. i always knew what she wanted-- she always knew what i needed. and now she's gone---
and i blame the fuckin black eyed peas for New Years!!!

2008 has sucked -- it has sucked, well, anything gross, and suckable !

in fact,
i think i would rank it
right up there with
THIS:

BALUT
UGH
google it if you never heard of it-
you will be ill for the rest of the day.
i have had the opportunity to try it
i just can't.
it smells horrid.
baby ducky corpse.
ewwwweeeeeeeee



ok let's move on???
hey? where's my coffee minion? dammit.
oh, that would be me.
hmmmmmm k

oh that reminds me---
BRAD---- i'm still waitin for my hot bed warmer fairy ova heah???? whaddup? did you put bear on a greyhound or somethin LOL



ok, anyhow-- i just noticed the title i gave this post-- and the dr google stethoscope... umm, kinda reminds me-- i was gonna update y'all on a little bit of news i got the other day. friday. you know how vague these asshats can be right. especially when it comes to stuff like this. things that are bordering soooooo close to nuthing vs something. there really is a very fine line here. well, i found some very interesting, and seemingly reliable medical pages on the topic of thyroids and cysts/nodules/ etc etc etc. i swear i must've read that stuff for literally hours.

i know-- i could have posted, and visited, and talked to ALL of you-- maybe twice... but i was just very interested in this. not only is it all new to me--- it is about me. so it was interesting. i was actually learning. i don't really learn very often. i used to pray that i would remain teachable, and try to learn something everyday. it wouldn't have to be work related, technical, medical... it could be spiritual, natural, a fishing trick, a new friend fact, anything. but i slacked off. i can't say that i have been teachable-- or that i have allowed myself to learn much at all -- for quite a while. i have been quite closed off, for some time.
well.. i take that back-- partially--- i am working hard on my people / relationship skillz. not sure how well i'm fairing there-- but i try-- and i know for a fact-- things could be worse-- if i wouldn't have taken a step back and re-evaluated some things.

crap- i lost my place. surprised? nope me either. lemmee get the dogs in, and maybe it'll come back to me.

dammit-- i forgot to turn the heater off. oh well, i aint gettin up again. not right now anyways.

ok, my train of thought just jumped the damn track
AGAIN.
what is up with that.
it's really bothering me lately. and seems to be gettin worse.
maybe it wouldn't be gettin worse, but it seems that i have
been speaking aloud more lately,
and i really just sound foolish.
i can't remember stuff from five minutes ago- sometimes in the same conversation,
and it just gets irritating-
for anyone involved.

OMG-- i have been sittin (back ) down for like five minutes and am sweatin like a damn pig-
i turned off the heat- now i think i need to open a window-
i don't know wth is goin on.
most of the time it's just me.. the others don't seem as miserable as i am.
when that happens- i hear my mother-- LOL
she would grab "your" hand and slap it to her neck or face and say
"I'm sweat-ing, feeeel THIS""
we (her kids) would
just laugh at her.
it was just funny the way she said it-- all snooty like.
had to be menopause, but it was funny.
she was funny-- sometimes.




ok folks-- are you readddday???
can you handle the dr google report?
i'll start with the "real" scan results-
then update you on what i found out
thru my own doctah googs research.
k?

friday afternoon, i went to have my "PT-INR' read at my reg dr. usually every week or so. at first it was a couple times a week-- as it stabalizes-- we spread it out. well friday-- it was good. finally. we got the coumadine dose leveled out and know where i should be at on that now. 7.5 mg day. that put me at a 3.1 . should be where i won't clot-- OR bleed to death if i get cut or fall and hit my head. so that much went well.

then i asked about the chantix-- doc said she'd call it in-- she did not-- i am pissed and my jaw hurts-- but you already know that. so if i smoke-- this is my documentation that it's HER fault. LOL kiddin. but it is always nice to have someone to blame isn't it???

ummm, oh ya , then i asked about the thyroid ultrasound. and yep-- i have been kinda avoiding that subject a little. remember , the last thing i said was "it sounded iffy". that was before i heard anything about the ultra-sound. only by talking to my endo doc-- none to confidently about the CT results-- good lawd she's a idiot. so anyhow--- my gawd i wannna cigarette !---
anyhow... i guess i saw my GP after her. right? ugh , i'm so brain dead i can't stand it. but--- she explained some to me better. not a whole lot better-- but i could understand it better. PLUS, she gave me a copy of the US report , so i had i had that to refer to on google. :)) i know.. my best friend AND worst enemy. BAH

i left the dr, and came home , and did get online to see what i could find--- in layman's terms. well ok.. in my case? idiot terms. and i did find a couple really decent well written pages, with a lot of information on them.

FIRST- my real live ultra sound summary of findings =

there are three "nodules". 2 on the right- 1 on the left.
all three have microcalcifications.-- but the 2 smaller ones say "possible".

the biggest one -on the right lobe - "shows punctate calcifications/histologic evaluation recommended.

that one and another are over a centimeter in size. the other is some odd mm.. i already put the paper away. i can't even deal with damn metrics right now. but that one doesn't seem to be a concern anyhow.

so-- now you ask.. what's the next step-- right?
well, i got referred to an ear, nose and throat doc/surgeon. i will see him on Dec 10th. until then i will know nuthin. except what the devil tells me-- and i'll get to tat in a sec.

first, i wanna ask-- am i the only one that thought that the endocrinologist would be the doc to deal with this?
i was surprised to see i was referred to an ENT-- i didn't even remember what an ENT was! :)) -- and y'all know me-- i thought i knew everything (medical.) bout time i got that bubble busted eh?
soooooooooooooooo--- that's the scoop, tat's the plan.. wanna hear the dr google theory? (s) ???

k- here it is anyhow---

ok-- here it's not-- cuz i am fallin asleep lookin for it, and my phone keeps ringin. and any creativity i might have had when i started this post--- it's long gone now. i'm sooo tired. i don't even know why i woke up so early. but the cowboys won-- i think .

i shall be back later when i'm not so tiahd.

ps--- phew-- i almost blew it big time right here-- i fell asleep right here in my chair--- i was just clearin up my papers and junk, gonna put up the laptop and go lay down, and guess what? here lies this post-- un-posted, all lonely. poor post almost got dumped. i need a vacation. how does a "house -wife" convince people she needs a vacation? i know i'm about to keel over-- but normal people would swear that i do nothing. lemmee tell ya -- they're very wrong.

except for this moment-- i am goin to take a nap-- last night was a rough one.

happy giblets peoples!

howdy folks ! i bet i'm the last one to say hello in blogland today? sorry . how rude of me. i won't make excuses, but i do apologize. i meant to get here sooner. every time i tried i got sidetracked or the phone rang, or this or that-- you know how it goes.

anyhow---- i hope everybody had fantastic turkey days!

ours was pretty good. lots to be thankful for around here. surviving the year i reckon was a feet in itself for a couple of us over here in soulland.


we decided we would step away from the traditions and go with a good ole smoked beef brisket this year. traditions are "for the birds" apparently. wanna know why i say so? cuz, for new years, we decided to go the traditional route for the first time in either of our lives and try the black eyed pea thing. and in return, what did we get? well, we went broke. we got mice in the attic. the ceiling leaked, the A/C went out. soulkid fell apart. i had like three trips to the emergency room.. for real live emergencies. UGH. i coulda gone at any time gilberT. soulman broke his hand. i'll stop there-- cuz if i start TRYIN to remember lord knows WHAT i might find. :)) anyways.. point bein... no more goin with the flow / just for the sake of traditions sake any more for this soul clan. nuh uh no way no how. we'll pick our meals by fate, not what the neighbors have on their plate. :))

ugh-- i know-- that was baaaad huh? oh well, i'm done .


sssoooooooo....... i haven't smoked yet-- and OMG i WANT to soooo bad . i have three packs around here and i could smoke at my leisure. just the thought makes my jaw twitch. erg. my poor jaw. this gum is gonna kill me. i chew it too hard or too long or too something-- but man-o-man it flippin aches. it hurt to just eat my meal today. i may be doing permanent damage to my face and jaw muscles just tryin to not smoke. what a trade-off.
go ahead--- it's your turn to tell me i'd be better off smokin :))
kiddin. i am, but i'm not. hmmmmm.

so. anyhow. what else?

nuthin i guess. just a happy turkey day for now.
i'll save all the boring junk for tomorrow.

oh the difference a day makes -

howdy folks---

i wish i could say i won't talk about medical shit-- unfortunately--- i will. but just quickly. let's start with the endo appt. yesterday. i really need a new endo doc. i just don't have the four month gap available to wait between endo's while i wait to get in with a new one that i may dislike even more. i just think this lade isn't very good at what she does. in fact-- yep -- i think i know more than she does sometimes. i really do. ugh. anyhow-- we did talk about my thyroid-- but she didn't have the ultrasound results - so goin by the CT-- she said that it (the cyst) was about 4mm, i don't do metrics-- so that's greek to me-- but apparently pretty small. it "may" be fluid filled, as it is "the same density as surrounding material". wtf? i had to ask wth? that's when she said that. so then she said the ultrasound will be more definitive on that part. then she did some labs and sent me on my way.
so i'm hopin to hear somethin more about the ultrasound results today when i go get my blood checked. soooo i spose i'll get back to you on that.

sort of medical, but not so much, but in a way---
i haven't had a cig since about 4pm yesterday. i really really want one. i won't lie about that. i have smoked for over THIRTY years. i'm 42. that is a long damn time. my only constant in my life. my security blanket. always there. except when i was pregnant with my daughter-- and the few failed attempts at quitting--that never lasted more than a few weeks.
but-- after the lung clot-- and seeing so many doctors since--- you KNOW they all have something to say about the smoking. yesterday-- the endo doc... just by puttin the stethoscope to my back--- asked if i was smoking. that's what clenched it for me. i did quit obviously in the hospital-- and maybe a week after-- but have been smokin since. but if my lungs are already sounding bad? i just can't sit here and kill myself. at first... from what i had been reading-- smoking wasn't mentioned as a contributing factor to embolisms. the docs didn't even mention smoking-- at the hospital. well... lately i been looking at recovery/relapse... and yep-- not only was it the layin in bed with mono and bronchitis for days--- it was the smoking on top of it. i must stop it. now.
anyone want to join me?

cuz THIS is about how stoopid i feel-

Plus-- there will be no more of
THIS

sooooo, what's next ?

ahhhh my house. it looks mahvelous. not totally done yet--- but the main rooms are, and i am soooo happy. sore as hell. but happy. i had to crawl around the kitchen floor on my hands and knees with a bucket of water and sos pads to scrub it ... but it looks better now than it ever has.

i would love to say i was finished with the laundry--- but soulkid didn't finish her room, so i expect even more to be flowing out of that hell pit.

the landlady is comin at 9 a.m. to pick up the lease, so i won't be gettin much more done before then.. perhaps soulkids bathroom (the main bath) fun, i know.

that only leaves my bedroom bath, and office. OMG this house is just too big for us. well.. too big for 'me' to keep clean. especially to clean after a couple months of not being cleaned right.
maybe if i do quit smokin i can get my maid with the cig money??? hmmm.
my own kid is the only kid her age i know who refuses to clean for cash. i have offered 20 bucks just to wash dishes-- does she? nope. i really think she doesn't know how to clean, and i had no idea that was even possible. apparently it is. and if i knew that five years ago-- she'd be a cleanin fool. buuuut-- well, you know. i thought people just "knew how to clean by nature".

but since she doesn't
does anyone have
some of these i could borrow for the day???

anyhow peeps--- i better get UP and get busy. i got thangs to do today.

clean the bathroom... what a way to start the day huh?
MORE laundry-
deal with the landlady-
run errands-
pay bills-
get t-day dinner-
clean my fridge (almost forgot that one-)
oh i can't go on.. i'm already tired just thinkin about it.


oh ps!!! Good news--- for ONCE in a blue moon----

i got an email from my childhood friend who i haven't heard from in like ten years. we met at four and five years old !!! stayed close into our twenties-- and lost touch.
funny how that happens.


hope you all have happy days in your worlds today---

cold coffee and my neverending to do list

well, here i am, sittin in the dark. not to mention the cold. i don't think i noticed, until i moved into this house, just how much difference carpeting makes in the temperature of a home. we have wood floors / tile throughought -- and i'm freezin dammit. i have no idea what the temp is outside, but i do know it's cold. damn cold. and i'm sittin next to a window, that may as well be open. theres a damn breeze comin through-- but it's shut. somehow i either didn't notice this last year-- or it didn't do it. but man we're gonna have to get some plastic over this big ole window this winter.
OOOH i bet i know what it is--- i'm already flippin freezin all the time-- now i'm on damn blood thinners. holy crap! i bet i am gonna have cry babyinist winter EVER. oh gawd. i beg forgiveness in advance. i just might need a "hot" bed warmer fairy y'all :)) -- anybody have one???

y'all know what SAD (seasonal affective disorder ) is don't ya?? well.. for anyone who missed my lovely 3 month long crybaby attack last winter-- prepare yourself. i have that. i hate winter. i hate cold. i hate bein bundled up--goin outside -- wearin a coat-- sleeves-- anything bulky. and the smell of the heater makes me want to throw up--and it turns my skin into rhino hide.
it's just plane depressing. y'all think i'm agoraphobic now? (to a extent)-- see me in the winter.
i avoid the elements at all costs. winter makes me hateful !! it's like constant pms. i don't want to be that way-- but that's how i've been for many years.



i bet i haven't enjoyed the cold since i was a kid. and i know i haven't enjoyed the holidays for at least 10-11 years. maybe even longer-- but that was when i admitted it. i'm a scrooge-- i wish i didn't even have to be around anyone for these two months--- people who know me , and know why i feel that way --- i think they "want" to understand. i just don't think they do-- or can. or maybe they just don't want to. they just want me to be un-scrooged.
but how do you do that-- after so many years?
i could insert my psycho-analysis here and make more sense-- but i won't-- so call me "cryptic" if you must. sorry.

anyhow--this last week or so , i have been wonderin, wth did i USED to write about???? i really think it wasn't all medical, all the time. i joked, and told stories, and seemed to have a lot more sustenance to what i had to say here. at least i think i did. i dumped most my archive a while back, so don't really have it to look back on...well-- it's on a disc-- somewhere. i just don't have the extra energy to waste looking for it. too much work to do. right now. i'll get to it. then i'll prolly kick myself. just lately-- it's the hilite around here. everyday it's something medical goin on.

like right now. i woke up at 530-- an hour ago-- do i feel alive? chipper? happy? rarin to go after a long nights sleep? well, no. of course not. i want to go back to bed. wth is up with that?? i just got UP. ERG.

but-- on the lighter side? i got an unexpected call from my endo doc yesterday-- well the office. they said i had an appointment today. i didn't have it on my schedule. that could mean that when i went in the wheelchair a couple weeks ago they made a follow up, and maybe i forgot---- OR= it has somethin to do with the thyroid CT results etc. cuz i don't know anything about it. and of course the receptionist didn't either. hmmm. it would be nice to know something about that today. good or bad-- i don't like NOT knowing anything. and i just get mad waiting.
you will be glad to know-- i have stopped researching that at least but i am having symptoms. mostly energy probs-- and appetite probs. which could be post PE crap. so. hell if i know.
i do know it is all just a pain in my ass. so anyhow-- i see endo today-- and hopefully will have some answers on my thyroid-- or at least a new direction to head in.

POD today? finish laundry-- yes, believe it or not, there's more. mostly towels now.. maybe three loads. i did about five or six loads of clothes yesterday-and the night before. a death defying act. ugh. how that happens is beyond me. it looks like NO clothes have been washed since i went in the hospital.. but i KNOW soulman has done laundry-- there just was TONS of it in there. if i had more strength, i would have gone to the laundry mat. but there was no way. but-- almost done. with that at least. then it's on to bigger and better things-- one room at a time. i have designated walls and pet messes and littler box and of course her room, to soulkid, soulman volunteered for the kitchen :)) , so, that means i get the rest. yippee. it leaves a lot-- but at least i have willing help.
i managed to keep the landlord away from here yesterday to sign the lease-- but she said she wants to pick it up after soulman signs it--- nooooooooooooo. i didn't want her to come over here and force me to clean. but i understand. i know she needs to check on the house-- and actually there are a couple things i need to show her--- like the damn leaking ceiling! with stains. UGH.
double UGH. sooo--- i informed the family-- y'all need to get busy-- pick a room and CLEAN it..
hmmmm. surprisingly-- they agreed. i think they know i'll jump offa bridge if this place doesn't get cleaned up. it's not that terrible , it's jjust the buildup ya know-- it's needs a good sweep and mop-and scub, and dust and vac.. the hard stuff. the easy stuff, almost done. oh lawd i hate bein so far behind on the house.

it would be so much easier to just knock it down
or move.
but, that isn't an option.
dammit.
so, cleaning frenzy, here we come.

well.. doesn't that sound like great plans for a tuesday?
what's your plan o' the day?

have a good one-

if it weren't for bad luck - i'd have no luck at all

oh hush-- you know it's true.


i woke up today with loads of plans of what i would do;

- get a haircut
- wash my car
- go sign my lease
- pick up some things at the store
-laundry
- dishes
-floors
*and like that isn't enough--
there WAS actually
- MORE

how far have i gotten? umm, well,

- i did get laundry swapped around

- i did drink a few cups of coffee
and umm, that's about it--
--until---
i realized, dammit-

-

and that's when it happened ,
yep-- i found myself with dr. Google-- again.
i shouldn't have-
but this time was different-
it was a message board, so it was actually the patients writing
rather than some confusing medical crap site.
but still--
it tells me that i have much more of this


to look forward to.
the indecisiveness, and confusion
that has become my brain.
(which apparently is normal for people who have
pulmonary embolisms.
BUT
i couldn't only have a clot--
noop i had to go all the way-
and have an "infarction" too-
along with DVT (deep vein thrombosis)
meaning the clot came from a vein in my leg.
each of these adds more time to the recovery-
and from what i read-
we're talkin minimum six months!
OF THIS



ugh.
some of these people took 2-3 months off work,
and when they went back they had to quit-
they couldn't THINK-
they still got tired too fast.
THIS really sucks ass .

i thought i was just bein a whimp--
or maybe bein chicken-
afraid to have another one.
apparently not.

this is it.
this is as good as it gets for me-
at least for a while.

ugh.
so much for "spring cleaning"
this week.

i could continue--
but i won't make you suffer.

happy monday peeps

i just wanna be normal ---

howdy peoples

i have been awake since around 7-ish, and i just now --- at 830 -- realized it is sunday. all morning i thought it was monday, and was planning my day as such. ugh. y'all, i am seriously beginning to worry about my brain.
in fact, i watched House on TV last night-- would you believe some woman on there had a lung clot-- what a cowinkydink eh? well, one thing they did on there-- that they didn't do for me-- was-- check to see if her brain function had been compromised. i'm tellin ya-- somethin happened to my brain. it just aint right. wonder if it'll go back to it's already bad memory self, or stay like this??? cuz "this is just not good.

anyhow.
onto other things.
i did manage to cover myself in the birthday gift department. didn't even have to leave the house. last night hubby was cruisin online sales and auctions for amplifiers-- for his new guitar-- oh, and pedals too. well, he only had enough money left from his guitar money for the pedal.. so i told him i had enough on one of my credit cards for the amp he wanted-- which he STOLE-- the dude wanted 300-- used-- then called him back and told him he'd take 130.00 cuz he really needed the money. i almost feel bad payin so little , but i told him to use my card and paypal it. so gift is a done deal.

only thing about that? i'm already tempted to find an apartment on the side-- because of his guitar playing--and soulkids music blasting thru the poor acoustics of this house-- i haven't been able to get out much to escape from the noise-- now that it's gettin cold-- i know i won't be goin anywhere --
they want to kill me i think. i just cannot handle noise like that. i haven't tolerated noise well for years. it's a real "condition"... but -- it's mine--- not theirs. but it literally makes me hurt, and angry, and panicky and miserable.
but hey-- it makes them happy-- not my being miserable-- but their music.
so what can i do?
i just don't know--- i really wouldn't get an apartment-y'all know that.
i do need some lead ear muffs i think. do they make those?? :))

yes i know i am rather bitchy today. i have an excuse tho--- maybe a couple.
yesterday-- soulkid had her turn... we both did actually-- we both went from ok to arguing throughout the day.... my freakin headache was my excuse-- yep the same damn headache i had for days. and her excuse was-- i have craaaaaamps. oh the joys of a teenage girl in the home. so i went to bed at like 6 pm last night-- just to get away from it all. the noise the bickering, and to just rest and hope my headache would go away.


i didn't go to sleep til like 11 or 12 i think, but i hid out for hours.
this morning i had a visitor-- yep you guessed it-- aunt flo knocked on my door. isn't it weird how women living together do get on or near the same cycle? just imagine poor soulman. i really do pity him at these times. and i try to remind him to try to ignore us---or even just go fishin or somethin. he caught the brunt of soulkids rage yesterday too----- so-- he was reeeeeal happy to hear this morning, that I have "IT" too. :)) -- but he is such an understanding guy-- he said-- that's why you two have been arguing. :)) i still pity him. i know the men know just what i mean.
but hey-- on the bright side?
90 % of my migraines are pms related, so it is gone now... finally. i almost forgot what it was like to be headache-less. maybe i can accomplish something today?


speaking of such things-- that i prolly shouldn't have-- :))
but did anyhow--



yesterdaY soulkid told me i should have a baby !!!!! OMG NO!!
i told her-- i'm too old to have a damn baby! i can barely take care of myself.
i considered it (we did) when she was like 5. but hell no, not now. i am soooo done with kids. i'll wait for the grand baby thank you. and Lord i pray that isn't any time soon.

so anyhow-- i really have nothin else to talk about. i could complain. i would have lots to say in that department--- but i'm as sick of that as y'all are. i really need to work on my attitude. with winter looming-- and so much to catch up on-- it does make it tough. but i try.

so-- i will let y'all go--
and i hope you have happy days today in your worlds---

birthdays mean nothing anymore

happy saturday folks---

wusshappenin in your world?

not lot here in mine.

it's cold. i got up too early for a saturday. i've had a headache for four days straight. and soulmans birthday plans went out the window last night. yep. i must say-- that was prolly the most un-happenin birthday either of us have had since we've met. even in our poorest of days we found ways to make somethin happen, or do somethin on birthdays etc. well, last night, we made plans to go to a nice dinner... but number one-- we were over hungry-- which makes me mean... and him too, just not as bad. then when we got to the place we were goin there was a line out the door. NOT. we decided he didn't wanna deal with the crowd, and me with my headache , didn't wanna deal with the noise of a saturday night out. we ended up at whataburger drive thru ! woo hoo!!
"happy birthday honey! enjoy your dinner, by the way--- i didn't have a chance to buy you a gift."

OR-- bake a cake-- but if i did --- i found the perfect one :))



ugh.
is this what it's like as the years roll by in a marriage??? it really does seem that every year things like this get less significant. gifts have changed dramatically in price and significance. and it really doesnt matter to either of us. gotta be a sign of age. or something.

well, life is great, then ya get old and bitchy.
good thing love doesn't care.
:))

happy saturday peeps!

ps--- soulman does say thanks to all who sent happy birthdays!