anybody got a sugar tit?

howdy folks--
here i am..
days behind on posting-- and over a month on my life. not a good place to be.
i have done a lot these passed couple of days tho playing catch up. but i have overdone it.
last night--well and during the day was awful for me. it was a non-stop day for me. and man i paid for it in a big way at the end of the day. nothing stopped til 9 p.m. that's when i was able to get into my jammies and go to bed... maybe a little later. but i had never been soooo ready for bed. i was mentally and physically whooped. just beat like a stray mutt. i hadn't felt that bad for like three days over the last month. i had to scold myself.
then this morning, soulman came in to wake me up--and my brain is so fried-- for whatever reason-- it really has been gettin worse that ever over the last few weeks-- he comes in to wake me up, because i have to take my child to school today. i was like-- why do i have to get up.? and i wasn't very nice about it either.
man i feel like i been hit by a train this morning. twice. ugh.

but-- on the good side-- i have one bill left that i must go out to pay today. kid to and from school.. and if i really wanted to-- the rest of my list could be put off without too many consequences- til tomorrow.
i do this all the time tho- and i really should know better. when i get down-- either physically or mentally-- the minute i feel the least bit better-- there i go trying to catch up on everything in one day. this is the longest i have been unable to do anything in like ten years. only one other time was i out of commission for over 30 days. and after that-- we moved-- that was a lot easier than all i have to do now. cuz we donated or tossed or sold almost every thing we owned at the time.

if i could do that now-- i prolly would. (sigh)

physically, and y'all know-- it is literally one thing after another with me--- this lung clot really must be the wort physical problem-- longest lasting, scariest, most pissin off, isolating, immobilizing, depressing, life halting, thing i have ever dealt with.
and OMG i can't stand it-- and i thought it was over. i was wrong. i just gotta take it easy for a while longer. no jumpin right back into things just cuz i can move better i guess.

and ya wanna hear about my brain? you know it never has been "right", ever since i started this thing. some of that is my warped sense of humor-- some is just my bad memory/or my senile. but i swear-- ever since the lung clot-- i just have not been the same. i cannot remember stuff. even stuff that my senile would have-- i forget now.

yesterday, i opened a savings account for soulkid--- oh man-- that girl really musta thought i was outta my gourd. (and nope-- it wasn't meds--i hadn't taken many -- maybe 2 , and hours before. ok it was 3-- now that i think of it .. but they were a bit apart-- but still hours before) but i couldn't remember things.. accounts, where money was or wasn't, numbers, etc. then i would try to explain..and talked 100 miles an hour cuz i was embarrassed and nervous for soundin like such a fool. and not remembering. grrrrr. i do it everywhere.

i saw my doc for my blood test-- remember last time i mentioned that? it had dropped to a real loww number-- 1.2 , from 1.9 from a few days before? and i didn't know why?
well i figured out why. cuz i am a dumbass. i have 2 bottles of that med-- warfarin/coumadin= 1mg and 5 mg. so yesterday i go in and it read close to a 5. it 4,6 somethin. the doc asked what did i do so different. i say umm.. i noticed that i was taking the 2 1 mg rather than 2 5 mg, so after i noticed i went to 10 mg a day-- and because i found the mistake i didnt go to 20 like you said. cuz i knew i hadn't been taking enough.
then i got scolded, because now-- i am "over - anti- coagulated". how special. i could bleed to death at any time gilbert. :)) so now it's skip 2 days-- then lower the dose again. gawd i hate takin meds .

then i asked her about the thyroid CT-- she did get it-- and will be scheduling me for a thyroid ultrasound-- they are beter for diagnosing if it is a solid "mass" or fluid filled. if it's fluid filled it is usually "nothin" if it is solid-- it could be "somethin".. i'll let ya know when i know.

i hate waiting--- more so-- i hate PAYIN. i wish i had ten for every hundred i paid to medical shit this year alone. christmas would be covered i bet ya. sickening. i wish i just ditch the docs and let what happens happens. nothin has killed me yet. well--- yes i know.. this last thing may have. but i mean the other stuff.. none of that has killed me yet. well the addisons almost did if they wouldn't have caught that.
ok, not a good idea.


anyhow-- for those i owe visits-- or email-- i really will try to get there today--- cuz i know i won't be doin as much as i planned to today. it is not in me. tomorrow is soulmans' birthday and i can not let myself be all laid up in bed in pain and worn out for that. i still haven't even planned anything-- bought anything.. not even a card. i'm a piss poor wife.

what a damn month it's been.
technically-- if ya toss my kid in there-- it'd make it a helluva 3 months. or more.
me thinks we need another vacation. ugh. yes i know-- i'll keep dreamin-- and y'all do the same.

happy thursday!

what a wasted day - please sah, may i have anothah?

when "they" said, someone oughtta slap the crap outta you!!!
i had no idea that it would ever be ronald mcdonald!
what is the world coming to?





i had to spend the day alone with my thoughts after that.
but here i am.
did ya miss me?





ok-- check out this video--- it's a little longer than it prolly should be--- but just watch... i don't think that kitty likes that woman much.




ok-- how bout this one-- i couldn't help myself-- i cracked up like a crazy person.
so, i'm easy to please---
happy turkey day :))





you may be wondering by now, why the hell i am puttin videos of worthless crap on here???
that would be because i have nothing to say-- but i wanted to post something all day long. i just cannot find my creativity button. it got misplaced somewhere in this mess i call my home.



and that is why i don't have one- :))

- i accomplished not one thing all day. except a long nap this afternoon. the rest was spent -- thinking-.
what can i write about?
where will i find some good pix to put on my blog
i have nothing to say---i am brain dead
i must get a life
i have to get out of this house
i owe so and so
and so and so
and so and so
EMAIL
but i cannot think of anything to say there either.



you see, literally-- i thought of what i could or should or wanted to do the entire day---
but i did none of it. none.

therefore--- i spose that means :

even so--- i did happen to find the vanity plate that i will be puttin on my next car--- or maybe my boat trailer ---

kinda fitting, no?
:))







ok i'm done for the day-- goo-night peeps

this is continued from the below post-- cuz i put that one up today too

hi peoples--

if you're wonderin why i would have a sunday post, marked as a saturday post-- it's cuz i fell asleep last night tryin to write it--and just finished it a few minutes ago.. that's why. just thought i'd straighten that up here-- cuz i don't think i mentioned it til late in the other one.


so anyways, i hope it wasn't too hellish gettin through that one. i'll tell ya-- it was hellish to write it. my brain just isn't workin right lately. and maaan i'm tired this last couple days too.

in fact, i think i will be takin a nap " right quick". haha do any of y'all say that? right quick?
i don't really say it. not out loud. i've known people who do. i'm not sayin there's anything wrong with it. i like a good ole southern folk accent. like goin fishin down at the crick. or goin to the store , right quick. or how bout... i'm so plum give out i'm takin me a nap right quick!

that would be the one. :))

i just wanted to jump in here and let y'alll know that both these posts are todays--- saturday and sunday--
and to let you know that "yesterdays" was just a little late late last night--- and i was just real tired.

i didn't mean to ramble so long, and i hope i didn't bore anybody to death. cuz i'd sure miss ya :))

i'll check around later on... soulman took soulkid to mallhell :))
perfect time for a nap-- this is quiet time i just cannot waste---

hope y'all are havin happy weekends!

just when we thought it was over--- here comes more medical crap - but wait- there's more :))

howdy folks----

i saw ya roll your eyes that time :))

i know, i'm gettin tired of it myself around here. all this medical crap. but in a way, it's actually gettin a little interesting this time. at least it's some new and changing stuff once in a while. not that that is the good part. but that we aren't---- haha "we", don't you feel special.. we're a "we" now.

anyhow-- i guess what i mean is like so many times before i would be ---stuck on one thing, with no answers.. struggling, searching, whining, etc... but now-- damn man... it's just one thing after another. it just kinda seems like i actually do get answers once in a while--- or at least i get thrown a bone now and again.



BUT -- when i do-- something else happens -- immediately after-- that requires more answers. that of course never come fast enough for me.


so i think it just feels like we go in circles. when in reality, i think we have come to the conclusion that i really am just melting. or whatever it is ya do when ya get old and the poor body just has had enough.

here's an example---
lets start with a few recent discoveries ---
such as :

my thyroid gland.
there's a picture for ya-
who knew, right?
i didn't.

there's where it is-
right there in the middle of your throat
lookin like a butterfly.. sorta.

but anyhow, the neuro secretary called friday, and apparently what showed up on my recent cat scan---- rather than any type of fracture-- or trauma-- that they were looking for-- was a enlarged thyroid -which we knew about from the first one- - AND on the 2nd that was done the other day-- he found a cyst. a cyst. WTF?
so, of course i spent half a day on Google trying to find out what that might mean. did i find out? well no. not anything that i could accept anyhow. :))
after hours of only confusing myself-- i just gave up. i don't know a damn thing about thyroids... cysts.. or anything like that.
cysts, nodules, tumors.... they all say different things-- but the one thing they all have in common? ummm... when they include pain, and "other" symptoms -- most likely they are cancer.

how nice.

SO:

what DO i know?
i know that my mother had a "thyroid scar and operation" but i never cared enough to ask why ---or what was so wrong that she needed surgery--
never considered asking if perhaps it was cancer.
hmmmmm.

so , here's a thought---
any of you folks out there-- just so ya know-
thyroid probs do run in families--
so if a member of your family has had thyroid problems-- especially surgery--
perhaps you should ask why--
just in case YOU end up with probs--you can tell your doctor-
and they will have a direction to go in.
hmmmm.

cuz ya know, for me, it's a little too late to ask now.

oh and something else i found out?
labs are not always correct on thyroids--
in fact--- most labs are WRONG.

mine have always showed "good"...
now look--
all this crap i blamed on addisons--
now, i find, it could be thyroid--or a combination of the two.

no wonder i'm a lazy- depressed- non motivated, mess.
just have a look at everything the thyroid AND adrenals are responsible for in the human body-
good lawd
i'm lucky to be on my feet.
not to mention -- under two hundred pounds !

so far that's where we're at with bones and CT'S, and glands, and cysts- etc


so let's move on to what else me and doctor google found shall we?
i know y'all love it when i do that, but this time it sounds, and looks very possible in my case. and not too scary either.

it's about the god awful pain i have been having.
y'all know i am in pain alot anyways-- but since (10-20-08) the embolism and hospital etc...

the new pain has just about made me not even notice my "normal" pain.
except the migraines, there's just no forgettin about those.
BUT--
like the first several days-- maybe up to five days out of the hospital, the embolism pain continued to be severe,
bad enough to keep me awake , and and hubby too.
it was a writhing, crying, kill me pain.
but on top of that-- a couple days out--- i also got a new pain-
in my arm, neck, shoulder, under my ear, back of my head, part of my chest, and right behind there--in my back. a severe-- gut wrenching pain. that required , doctors, and meds, and tests, and all kindsa stuff-- as you know.
which was totally strange and unexplainable-- even by the docs--
like three doctors.
gp
endo
and
neuro

gp---medicated me for about 3 days---period.
endo-- referred me to ER-- for lower than low blood pressure--
(on this day -- actually, i was not having the mystery pain yet---
this was the day i couldn't walk. literally--- i fell down/got picked up-- like more than 20 times.
i tell ya-- falling in public aint fun-- i think people think you're drunk. or not-- cuz we both looked pretty much more on the helpless side-- than the embarrassed or drunk side.

anyhow-- this is why-and how-- hubby and i had brought the "mystery pain" to the day i was falling down so much. i wouldn't have even been trying to walk---- i would have stayed in bed--- but that day i had the GP appointment--and she sent me to the endo doc.
and obviously-- neither did a damn thing that was helpful.
while i was in freakin addison's crisis. :((
we treated me at home with gatoraide--
because even a endo specialist didn't know what to do in addisons crisis.
even tho we carried a injection --that we didn't know how to use-- in there with us.

anyhow---
at that time i was still in pain on my right side-- embolism pain.
the next day---
more severe pain began.. but i could walk.
we didn't know what the hell to think.
but at this point in time--as of our current time period. like in the now.
the ONLY doctor who has given a damn, or shown a bit of concern for my well being
has been my neuro doc.
he is the one who ordered every xray-- every scan-- etc.
he is the ONLY doc i have that EVER goes out of his field (if/when needed)
to explore
what may be wrong with me. ever since i've been seeing him.

(anyone in DFW area want a good neuro doc? email me for his name :))

so anyhow---
yes i know i got sidetracked. MY AREA OF EXPERTEEEESE :))
i really don't know if my brain damage is reversible...
but i will say this---
several things could be making IT worse

-fybromyalgia="brain fog"
-pulmonary embolism = lack of oxygen to brain"
-thyroid "Probs" = mental confusion.
- there's like 2 more- but i'd have to look em up, and i don't wanna :((

BUT-- to Finally get to my damn point ---
GEESH... (that is, if anyone is still reading :(P

ok-- the falling down, and gettin picked up-
remember- soulman had a broken hand,
with a hard splint-- and i was in a lot of pain-unable to walk-
leaving us quite clumsy--- in attempting to gettin me where i was goin
especially when it was up off the ground. ughh.

so-- check out this picture-- the hi-lighted area is called--

the

"Brachial Plexus"

yes i know-i never heard of it before either--
but--that is where the excruciating pain has been for the last--
what? - 3 weeks?
at least.
the one on the left shows how low it went better--
and the one on the right shows how high it went better.
and in the back, it shows the frontal pain, and there was pain behind there too--in the scapula - ish.
so-- this is why we think gettin picked up-- pulled on, stretchin my arm up over my head and in weird ways
maybe it just got "ripped" somewhere /somehow.
what i read said this can hurt for weeks to months-
also it is usually a sports injury. hmmm.
but -- it really sounds the most plausible of anything on how and where this could have come on the way it did.

so i will be bringin it up to my next doc i see.
unfortunately?
that would be my endo doc.
when i see her for the "thyroid cyst"
ugh.
i feel like i'm taking a damn transmission to cake baker when i go see her!
basically i end with the same results too.
just not as sweet :))

soooooooo....
that is my medical rant-- and update of sorts.
now let's see
what else i can bitch about--

a lot, i'm sure-- but i won't.
this entire blog has become a bitch-athon lately
and even i am gettin tired of it.
i know most of it has to do with -- well, lack of outside stimulation,
i spose. i been damn near bed-ridden for the last four out of five weeks or so.
if i walk out to the mail box it's like a trip to friggin lake fork!
ok , not so much... but it is a big deal.

or maybe it's like driving.. i've driven twice since i been down.
the first time i was pretty scared.
i was still in way to much pain, and shouldn't have drove at all,
but i had no choice that day.
but the other time, was the other day-- i still can't turn my head enough to drive very safely, but it wasn't as scary, and i felt a little free-er.
so i'm gettin there.
i also-- as you now know-- swept my floor that was very close to givin me an stroke at any-time.
AND i just now finished a load of dishes.. y'all know either somethin is real wrong-- or really not wrong when I get excited over cleaning.
i may have overdone it a little today-- but that's alright--
i'm comfortable, at least mentally-- in my home now.
and since it looks like this is where i'm gonna be for a while--

i may as well go for the trade off eh?

which i spose would be --

a little more pain,
for a little more clean?


besides---



and, luckily i have a couple friends out there who keep me pretty well entertained through the day lately. i'd be in a rubber room by now if not for them. soulman was off work for like a week or so after i got out of the hospital, and after that he got lots of time off when i had appointments--and i slept a lot etc.
but this past week that i've been awake and upright, and bored out of my skull all day-- it really helps to have my friends to keep me "entertained"-- or occupied..or whatever that would be.








and with that i will set you free.

but first-- you must know that this is the most pain in the ass post i have ever in the history of my blog, posted.
i began and stopped several times last night---
mainly due to-- falling asleep :))
i think i fell asleep on somebody's blog too-
maybe a couple somebody's. :))
oops.

and today-- my goshkness.
i have started-stopped-come back to- left- draft saved-
and one time thought i LOST this almost finished whole post cuz i accidentally closed the lid!
but it came back up on restart--- so i was happy it didn't get lost.
then here i am.. and it is now all done.
and you prolly hate me for it.
i didn't mean to leave my entire medical record here for you to read.
i planned on a few "notes"
and a quick rap up.
HA
like that is ever possible with me.

let's just hope that from now on ,
it will be.
cuz i think we're almost done.
and haven't we come a long way this year?
just wait for the annual "wrap - up"

it'll either be a miracle
or
evidence for a law suit

ya reckon?




i really will shut up now
bye folks

i can't think when im rushed

my floor-- well several of them.. resemble the one in this room. and it is really buggin the crap outta me. the fact that we still have not replaced our missing broom makes this even worse for me, because it is just not gonna clean itself up, and lookin at is it makin me wanna just beat someones ass. ugh. seriously.
oh... if you happen to be wonderin why, i have trash and chewed up bits of paper all ---alllllllllllllllll---- over my kitchen, office, and part of my livin room floor? well that would be because my dogs are little trash diggers, and sushi seems to like to chew the paper into little pieces and move on to the next big piece.
and, well, in my present condition.. i can't quite crawl around and pick it up-- cuz i surely would have by now. i would have found a way to have it up and gone by now. but we haven't got a new broom, no one has picked the shit up, and i can't.
anybody wanna join me while i have a stroke?

ok movin on

was it yesterday? i had the ct.... i don't even know if i already even said this somewhere, but i had the cat scan yesterday--or whenever-- and also got a copy of the xray report from before.
well... i know nuthin bout the ct results yet. and as for the x-rays??? even with that weirdo hole in my arm... everything seems to be "unremarkable" cept somethin with my elbow-- i forgot the stupid word-- but it was somethin i never even heard. but not serious anyhow. there's not even pain there. then somewhere else it mentioned degenerative somethin or other a couple times--- which is basicaqlly arthritis. so big deal. none of that is causing this much pain. or should i say "that much pain".... cuz thank God-- i am gettin better.

in fact-- i'm gettin "SO" bettter that last night , i went with hubby to drop soulkid off for her "group thing", and he and i went out for dinner. OMG it was so good too. it was the closest i have come to real food in ages. oh fantastic plastic....i love you.

but--- on the drive over there---- it was just like old times. and nope, not in a good way. all bickerin and bitchin. i wish i would have kept my mouth shut. i almost said i wish i woulda stayed home, but that isn't true. i'm glad i went, cuz i have been in soul hell trapped here all these weeks. it's like friggin house arrest or somethin.
anyhow.
soulkid was a true pleasure-- and i let her know just how much i enjoyed her company. but it really was a bad way for me to conduct myself. and i did apologize. but somebody should give me at least a little slack. in over fourteen years, i have never called her so much as a "bad girl". well at least to her face. never. ever have i called her a name.
but-- last night i got pushed to my limits and unfortunately-- i called her a little ass.
oh yes i did.
and i shocked us all.
soulman started to scold me , but he stopped himself.
the child told me --well a few things... but also told me to "shut up'.. which also may have been a first.
but i didn't respond. cuz i was still in shock of callin her an ass. oops.

but anyhow-- aside from that-- it was good to get out.



so------ i'm gonna try again ... and am bein rushed right now


rock on my friends

i hate bein rushed out thedoor

is there a doctor in the house? and stuff

well, first of all, ya know i have to start with my cheers and jeers for Veterans Day. Cheers of course to the Vets-- and jeers to the way things have changed -- or not changed for them.
y'all know me and hubby are vets-- so was my mom, dad and sis-- i really could ramble on about how i feel about some things today-- about this day -- but i won't put y'all through that.
let's just say if you or a family member or friend is a veteran .. "Thank you" .

ok.. i better stop now, before i get on my soapbox.

now-- back to the doctor thing--
is there a doctor in the house? i have spent almost the entire day online lookin at med related sites. and google :)) i know.. me and google should get a divorce. i'm just so damn tired of havin all this crap be wrong with me and not know what it is- or why -- or how to fix it. and i pay all these friggin people and they don't help at all. ugh.

the only one who does seem to have half a brain is my neuro doc -- who by the way, my appointment was with him tomorrow-- for the results of the x-rays and pain etc --yes i know i said today -- but i'm senile, and was wrong.. it's tomorrow. but they called today to tell me they canceled the appointment in order to schedule me for a cat scan of my c-spine instead.




ugh... not to mention my head spinning in three hundred MORE different directions. cuz you know the lady on the phone didn't know anything to tell me. like why does he want to see my spine.. neck..head..skull.. etc.... OR-- why does my arm have a hole in it... or even is my arm broken... nothin. only that she'll call with the new appointment time. i hate it when that happens.

so that's what i'll be doin tomorrow


and i reckon that's about all i have to say for now.
time for dinnah...

i'll get around later on..

and sorry-- i lied-- i never did answer the comments -- yet.

i woke up for this seriously, i was sleeping. ugh-

Your result for The Do you know what it's like to be po' Test...

You got 43 Poor Points (57 is the max); The higher your score...the more you're poor..or once were anyway.

The higher you score on this quiz, the more experience you have at being poor. You might not be poor anymore, but you were. I, for one, salute you.

On the other hand if you scored low AND you don't suffer from chronic physical or emotional pain - I think you got off easy. That's right, I said it.



Just for the record I can answer YES to all of the questions.

Take The Do you know what it's like to be po' Test at HelloQuizzy

Your result for How extremely messed up were your parents in raising you? TEST...

36% instability, 56% abused, 15% spoiled.

You scored 36% instability, 56% abused, 15% spoiled. The following are the consequences of having a high score in any of the areas. Not everything will pertain to you, just perhaps the ones in which you had the highest scores. I'm listing them ALL, though, so you can see what they all mean! You know, the more ammo you can get to back up your parental grudge, the better!

Please note: if you have had traumatic beyond-normal things happen to you during your childhood, please realize this test's reseults most likely WILL NOT APPLY TO YOU. You are a survivor in the true sense of the word, and your experiences are not a true reflection of what this test's intention was to diagnose.

You scored 36% instability. If this number is high, chances are trust is an important thing to you. Your parents probably never agreed on any boundaries, hell, there's a possibility there were no boundaries! Limits were never set, rules changed day to day, Maybe your parents divorced or only one raised you, maybe they took their financial and emotional burdens out on you. Either way, they may have f*^&ed you good!

You scored 56% abused. That really sucks. Even if it's a minimal number, it sucks. And if it's a high number, it sucks even more that I mentioned there are people with low numbers. Abuse comes in many forms, whether it be emotional, physical, or otherwise, and it's truly hard sometimes to find an inner voice growing up when our is always being silenced. People with a history of abuse may have a hard time believing in themselves, may have a low self esteem, and may even search out abusive partners.

You scored 15% spoiled. We all know what this means, not neccesarily a bad thing, but do you know how messed up it can potentially make you? Being spoiled can not only raise children with an unrealistic feeling of entitlement, it ultimately sets them up for failure! If someone always got everything as a child just for breathing, chances are they've attached happiness to objects. And what if life as an adult isn't this way anymore? Think they'll be happy?

So now you have everything you need to sucessfully blame your parents forever!!! Or, you could realize you parents did the best they could do with the sh!tty tools they were given. Either way, chances are you're going to learn from their mistake and be a better parent (whether it be of a child, dog, cat or goldfish) than they were!

So what's it gunna be? Are you going to blame your parents for the rest of your life or are you going to realize they weren't prepared for such a special job as raising you? Either way, you've now got your ammo to make your decision!

Please remember these quizzes are for fun even though this one may hit a specific soft spot. Please rate the quiz on how you felt about the questions & images, NOT your reaction to any repressed childhood memories!!

Thank you for taking this test. If you have any comments or suggestions or spelling mistakes, please please message me so I can hear your valuable feedback! Thanks again! :)

Take How extremely messed up were your parents in raising you? TEST at HelloQuizzy

Your result for The What Kind of Girl are You Test...

PERFECTION!!!!!!!!!

You scored 76 looks, 77 personality, 65 politics, and 65 sex drive!

You are beautiful, have a great personality, know youre politics, and have a high sex drive. You are the girl of any man's dreams. You know what you are doing in bed, you're fairly conservative, and you know how to treat your loved one. Men have been waiting for a girl like you all their lives. You probably know how to make sure that the ones you love are happy. You will make someone a great wife or girlfriend someday, if you haven't already. You're the kind of girl that everyone wants. You're probably fun in a conversation and I'm sure that you are as loveable as you are beautiful. You have a wonderful life ahead of you, make sure you live it to the fullest, and keep being the person that you seem to be.

Don't Forget to Take My Other 2 Tests

The Music (Rock That Is) Test

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=8460139144648302003

The One Question Test

http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=10194224782000446693

Take The What Kind of Girl are You Test at HelloQuizzy

there ya have it--- half an hour ago i was sleeping peacefully-- risking my life with laptop cord strangulation...yes i know i said i wouldn't be taking the laptop to bed anymore-- BU soulman got a new x-box live game today-- and well-- i just can't stand any of that shit, and wasn't ready for sleep yet- so me and the laptop came to bed to do a little cruisin. well, it wasn't long before i fell asleep.. then the emails started (BING-ING) in.. after about 4 or five of em.. i just took a look-- there was smocha-- harassing me- and threatening me-- to take the tests... so i figured why not- so i did-- just remember-- these thing actually have some some really dumb questions.
but-- it was entertaining-- for a while-- now i am ready to go back to sleep.
i did read your comments earlier-- but-- i am a bad blog pal-- and i did other more dumb things rather than get to your comments-- i will tomorrow-- i promise--- k?

i need to go to sleep-- before i end up in the loony bin
coo-koo ugh-- Loony tunes bah!

g'night peeples

on my merry ass way - NOT

but at least i don't have to drive.
soulman has today off, so i have a driver.. phew. i really wasn't looking forward to drivin again just yet.
but , i was sposed to go on friday-- even tho i was driving, i was too exhausted and in pain to go to one more doctor , after already having gone to two-- and being lost--so i didn't go.
so now we have to go to my regular doc this morning to have my blood checked. they need to check it a couple times a week to see how well/ or not well it is clotting. or whatever they call it. cuz if it gets too thick there is risk of another clot. so they want to keep an eye on it and adjust the blood thinner dose as needed. so ya-- that will be our first stop.
i just hope it goes quick, and we dont sit there for two hours just for a finger stick. ugh.



that's all they do-- it takes maybe five minutes-- yet we have spent an hour waiting before. it soooo pisses me off- the waiting. my mother has ruined me in the waitin for anything department. i am punctual-- and hurried all the time -- i expect the rest of the world to be the same . dammit :))

next on our list?
due to my problem with
THIS

i have run into-
well, ok,
caused some other problems
at the real bank
:O

yup you guessed it-
ya know how i have been complainin of my laziness of having 3 bank accounts
- for like the last four or five years?
well.. you only had to listen to it for a couple years... but yes.. 3 active accounts. and really it has been nothing but a confusing mess.

well-- i finally made my fatal mistake at one of them.
we finally got busy a few weeks ago-
and canged all the direct deposits to go into our main bank.
yippee-- progress-- right?
ummm.. well... sorta.
what did we NOT do???
well.. uhhh....
kinda forgot to stop or change the auto-- WITHDRAWLs. :((
so guess what that means?
yup---
overdrawn !!!!



now we have to go fix that-- hopefully--
cuz i did pay that bill on the phone-
but the bank covered it too--
cuz i'm good- and don't "usually" bounce shit.

so yep-
we have to go close TWO bank accounts while we're out too.
i am not lookin forward to any of it.

but business is business.


but--
i am happy to report-
i woke up this morning,
and survived over an hour before reaching for the first pain med of the day
and even then i was able to drop from 2 to 1 -
my pain is lessening.
woo hoo!


so.
that's about it--
soulman is fixin ta nag-
he's been ready to go for over an hour.
oh look-
i spoke to soon... there he goes
and i'm still in me jammies.

better dress myself, and get this party started.

i'll try to get to the previous comments when i get back.
thanks y'all for comin by.
ahhhhlllll...be baaaack

but wait--

could someone tell me--

WTF, is
THIS-- ???

happy trails my friends---

and so it goes . . .

here i am.. with time and energy to actually post something... that wouldn't even be whining or cry-babying... and guess what???
i don't have a damn thing to say.



so-- sushi wants out, i need coffee, and gotta pee-- maybe somethin exciting will happen while i'm up?? ya think? lessee---


hmmm... nope. i forgot; this is my house. it's just not an exciting place to be. sorry.
sometimes stuff happens that might be worth writin about-- but i spose after bein locked away like freakin betty davis for a month-- (from.. "someone"-doesn't live here anymore" ??
it's just loses it's it's appeal.

hmmm, somehow that doesn't feel like the right word, but it's all i could come up with... out of, glimmer, shimmer, shine, glory or appeal.
don't you think it was the more suitable word?


so anyhow. soulman is makin pancakes for us. i don't usually like pancakes much, but for some reason i've been kinda hungry for them for a few days. maybe just cuz food is starting to get its flavor back-- and i just want something different. perhaps. i don't even remember the last time i had a pancake. i hope it tastes as good as i want it to.

ooh, big mistake thinkin bout food. y'all know me and food. our love affair ended quite some time ago-- but it's comin back. i'm stahvin!!!
not really. not so much. but everything looks so good. i just don't want to cook it. or especially clean up after it. or go out for it. soon tho. i've only been actually mobile for a day or two. i still look like hell, and not feelin 100 percent yet. in fact i'm feelin only like 13 percent..ok 40 percent. ya-- we'll say 40. but cookin, cleanin, drivin, goin, bein seen... not quite there yet.
but i am tryin. hopefully gettin there too.

when i do get there-- up and back to myself i mean... i hope i can actually do all i "plan" on doin.

my house is a shithole for one thing. and if you remember-- i was just startin to decorate when i got sick--or whatever. so i need to get back to work on the house. boy do i-- it's a whole lot more than just decorating now--- soulman tries--- thank god-- but really-- this place needs a good "spring cleaning".

i also need to actually get my ass to lunch with jlee-- four times i canceled lunch plans with her-- every week straight-- the first time was the day i woke up sick with bronchitis-- and the last was by text--the day i was admitted to the hospital. next time i might just call her from somewhere over there--- and tell her to -- come to so and so cuz here i am. :))
(think that would work out JLEE???) :))


and you know i wanna go fishin. me and soulman both do. he hasn't fished since before he broke his hand... and me, since before the lung thing. so yep-- we're both ready to fish-- at least mentally we are-- physically? could be another laurell and hardy show :))

i even want to shop! now y'all know that's crazy. but i do. i need some cold weather clothes-- and some friggin food in this place--AND a damn broom. yup i said broom. somehow, the broom is missing. and with all these animals? well not havin a broom is just NOT a good thing.
so-- i just need to shop. but i am not dreading it like i normally do. of course that attitude is subject to change at anytime-- :))

oh, and my landlady called me the other day. it was a bad pain day- and i was in bed and did not wanna talk. hubby was gone at work. she was asking if we were goin to renew our lease. umm well of course. cuz.."we got no place else ta go"--- and more importantly-- i'm a little bit too handicapped to be packin and movin right now--dontchya think? :))
BUT.. i just told her i would have soulman call her back-- but he hasn't--- yet-- so i guess i need to let her know we are staying... but i can't be lettin her see this house like this to sign the new lease-- and still really don't feel like meeting anywhere. ugh. hopefully a phone call will hold her off til i can get this place back in order. cuz to be honest-- if this was MY house-- i wouldn't let ME stay another year.. if i saw it like this. BAH!!!

welp-- there's more on my "when i feel better" list-- but my pancakes are gettin cold--- so--



i shall see y'all later

happy sunday!

howdy folks----
sorry i'm late gettin this up today. i meant to update it last night-- just didn't get around to it. that seems to be becoming a habit-- and a bad one-- i am sorry.




first of all
MARY-- this is your personal ScOULding-- why would i not read somethin you write here? don't even go there. i read everything people leave me... even sassy ole southern gals with flared feathahs :))

so anyhow-- here's the scoop-- so far-- hopefully this will answer any comments and questions etc-- from yesterday.

thanks to all who left advice , suggestions etc. ya know-- i had just asked soulman if he knew of a university hospital here and how it would work if i tried to seek "help" there. but like me-- he doesn't know how that works. but it has crossed my mind-- cuz i really would be a great lab rat for someone who wanted to learn about a lot of different "things" with one body. i'm a walking textbook, ya know.
just not with any answers.

but anyhow-- for now, i think i'm ok. i have shot a couple doctors off the fence post on this recent journey though-- and soul-hubby says i should also fire my GP doc. i haven't been very happy with her all along anyhow, and actually did fire her once before--but my replacement moved away so i ended up goin back to her--- i don't like change-- just in case y'all haven't noticed. :))
i'm not certain how she pissed him off-- but she sure has shown me what an inconsiderate, condescending, unconcerned, asshat--she can be.
sooooo--- she is next--- right along with my endo doc-- who is also--- uninformed, uneducated, and noncaring of the patient.

and-- just in case i never posted it-or as a reminder-- i fired my gastro dr a few weeks ago.

see why i need a dr House?

neuro
gp
gastro
endo

i can't even keep track anymore--- but all have been replaced once already-- now i'm on my search for a new line of defense :))
cept so far-- i think i shall keep the neuro doc i have--- til further notice. he is already a replacement. the one before him? ugh. hubby diagnosed my problem there-- the dr caused more harm than good. so he was gone after about 2 months. he nearly killed me-- for real.

ok so anyways-- lost track-- again--

back to yesterday:

i did manage to drive myself-- safely-- or at least without incident-- to and from the neuro doc--- who seemed-- i believe sincerely-- call me naive :)) -- concerned, both about the embolism and recovery-- plus my current-- and so far mystery pain.
he did-- thank the Lord-- refill my pain meds. same ones he always gives me-- i guess he was waiting to see me this last couple of days-- but i was gettin upset that i was in pain and almost out of meds. but that was no problem, once he saw me.
then he sent me for x-rays. like a series of 6 or 7 of em. that wasn't very fun. just so ya know.
and even with my GPS i had a hard time findin the damn place-- ugh. i should just give up driving. i don't deserve a license :))

well.. the tech girl was nice there-- and gentle too. most of those people don't care-- they just want to finish, so they don't care if they hurt you. she was nice, and when the pix were done i noseyd my way over there to look at one.
i know they (techs) can't answer questions or give you a diagnosis-- but i asked anyhow-- if she could see anything "wrong".
almost at the same time--- we noticed something similar to this--- and she pointed it out-- just as i said "that does not look good"

this is NOT MY xray

BUT, ya see that "scoop"?
on the upper arm there?
my xray had a "thing" similar to that.

now-- she of course isn't a radiologist-- and didn't tell me what she even thought it to be. but i have never seen anything like that before. of course, i have spent the first many hours of this morning searching google for what it might or could be--- and y'all don't even wanna know what i come up with. but the good news is--- the type and location of "my" pain.. isn't quite what or where it would be if it did happen to be this problem.
except for a "open humeral shaft fracture" which could also involve nerve damage--or pain.. maybe not permanent.

but... is that not odd??? a hole or scoop , dip-- whatever in your dang arm???

i did let her know to make a note that i do have "osteopenia"-- so, this could be simply bone deterioration??? who knows??? hopefully i will know SOON.
my follow up with neuro-- is on tuesday. for some reason i thought it was like a week away but it is tuesday about noonish. so i shall let y'all know if it is anything important. kinda looks important huh?

oh ya.. i wanted to say to AC--and SMOCHA TOO
tolerance is surely part of my prob with the meds-not only a build up tolerance-- but i just am that way-- with every kind of med-- even anti-d's---
- and with that goes the fear of OD, and not taking -- or getting what i prolly should.
and to AC-- you are correct. i have heard that before-- and also personal experience tells me--
"people in or with chronic pain, who take narcotics,--- rarely , if ever become addicted.... "
there are many reasons for that and one is-- like she said-- if it does anything..it merely relieves the pain.

so anyhow-- i spose this is as good as it gets for me right now. i am in pain.. but not not in bed. i actually watched some tv with hubby last night-- for the first time in weeks. i haven't cried, today-or yesterday from the pain. or at all actually. which is very good. in fact i actually laughed a little-- which is new-- for recent weeks.
food tasted good last night.
i bought a sling for my arm.. i didn't sleep all day-- hubby got me "tiger balm".. and says it like a " chinese sports announcer" :)) which makes me smile...

i don't know--- that's about all i can come up with for now.
looks like i'm gettin a bit better--- but may have some kind of broken arm--- or bone cancer --- BAH!!!! i hate google. :))

dr. google?

guess i'm done for now.
i'm gonna go eat my left-over chipotle , then i shall make some rounds. who i don't see now-- i will see later--

hope you all are havin happy days in your worlds today!

ooh it's a tourettes day ! i could cuss and cuss and cuss

and maybe i will.
i tried to post yesterday, but got nowhere. a couple pics but no words came.. then i just gave up.
i'm pushin three weeks bein trapped in this house.. useless, and in pain.

yesterday , soulkid missed the bus for school.. hubby was working, and i was in no condition to drive. i can't turn my head, i can't hardly move from the shoulders up at all. i have been down to my last few pain pills for the last few days, and watching them dwindle makes me afraid to take them. seems nobody wants to rx any more. i've always found it to be sooo much crap-- and i know several of you can relate-- the way the damn doctors would rather let a person hurt than give them meds. i will never understand that. i mean i do-- i know junkies have ruined it for people who really need meds. but dammit, this is ridiculous.

i have been calling my neuro doc for the last two days for refills-- for like 5 months or so-- he has had no problem refilling pain meds. he has lowered the dose and amount-- but still, i can pretty much count on him to keep me as pain free as possible--without either of us lookin too bad.
but, i don't know which he is more afraid of lately-- since the clot--- addiction, or just not knowing what exactly is wrong. but he will not refill my meds. i know he has called my doc, and got my hospital records, and i know he knows how many meds he-and other docs have given me over the last few weeks. what he DOESN'T know- is that i puked everythig up for 2-3 days- or the extent of pain i am in.

i'm not kiddin when i say this is the worst pain i have ever felt in my life-- my husband and daughter both have cried -right along with me---watching me hurt so damn bad, and be brought to tears myself thru this. and neither can actually do anything about it. but they do try.

soulman finally understands my frustration i have been in all these years trying to get a dr who is not afraid of pain rx's. he hates to see me like this. he is as angry as i have ever been at ALL my docs i see now too. and he agrees that i am not drug seeking, nor do i get high off any of it.
(although i will admit, he too has been concerned at times-- but thru this-- he ses-- i just don't get stoned on it-- i'm lucky if it reduces the pain, much less gives me a feel good.)

i don't know what's up with this tolerance shit of mine-- but really-- motrin makes my hubbys "hair crawl" -- while even demerol, didn't gimmee a buzz-- or even touch the pain without taking 2-3 times the dose i was ordered. and even then it only brought it to a tolerable level. which i would pay at this moment illegally for--if only i were smart-- or dumb enough -- to know where to go for it.
i think anyone -- without a license would actually. i have even had a couploe offers-- but-- as y'all know-- all my peeps live in the puter--- and anyone else i may know-- well.. they just dont do that type of thing. or know where to get it.


i do have to drive today for the first time out of the hospital. before that actually. i really haven't driven much at all since the july seizure. none at all since the 18th or so. and i still wonder if the lack of oxygen had anything to do with those damned things. will anyone tell me? does anyone know? does anyone even friggin care? i just cannot fathom being a "doctor" and leaving anyone in such pain. it's ridiculous!

if i see the neuro today, (which only depends on my driving ability)- and he doesn't find anything-- or help me.. i will again go to the emergency room. it is truly my last resort. i hate the mere idea of sitting in an ER waiting room for hours-- or worse-- gettin "bad" news alone there. but something is going on with me. and it just cannot continue.

so-- IF i do end up admitted again.. soulman will let ya know-- and if anything else happens-- like an rx--or diagnosis..i will let ya know.

i told hubby last night-- how much i do not want to go to the hospital again-- but also i cannot remain in pain like this. he agrees. besides, it's not like i am of any damn use to anyone here anyhow, i can't do a damn thing. well except sit around and wait to clot again. and i can't help but to say it is a concern.. i am very limited as far as mobility goes. i try to get up and move around when i can-- put the dogs in and out-- walk around the house, etc. stuff to just be moving. but there's not a whole lot ya can do confined to home. remember i counted down days last time? that has now become like 19 to 20 days--? my gawd. it's awful.

i'm sorry, i really don't mean to be whining. maybe i'm just looking or waiting for someone to come across this page and tell me they have been here--and they KNOW what is wrong, and how to fix it-- cuz nobody else does.
a friend and i have been joking about how i need "House"-and his team.. to work on me-- i'd be healed in a week!

i have spent too much time on google again. and i swear it can be my worst enemy at times.
i look up swollen/enlarged thyroid with pain-- cancer comes up-- i look up neck pain with jaw and ear and thyroid swelling-plus frequent migraine- i find that hmmm perhaps its a clot headed to the brain. it is insane-- and should NOT be MY job to diagnose myself when i am sending out hundreds and thousands of dollars to find out wtf is wrong.

remember the guy from the band hanson? yes i should be embarrassed to admit i listen to them, but i like em. ok some of their stuff. but not long ago, the lead guy--and he's young..mid 20's if that-- he almost died from a clot in his arm.. same type of pain i am having now.arm, shoulder, neck etc. still, none of three or four docs i have seen for this shit seems to want to go further--they want to call me a drug seeker--and leave me in pain. and it sooo pisses me off.

yes, the amount of meds i have gone thru in a couple weeks is staggering-- but the thing is-- i really , honestly do not get high on it--and that is why i get so damn upset when i get treated like a damn junky. and get refused meds. instead i am left to cry in pain-- and not only that-- fear and shame-- of someone even thinkin such a thing.

but-- i will admit-- once again, i am an alcoholic-- (dry at this time)- and can't help but wonder if there's pain relief in a bottle of booze??? but then i realize-- not an option. dammit. it used to work on gunshot wounds, and even labor pains, back in the old days. surly i could get relief --at least physically-- that way. but obviously-- i have reached the point that the pain, and isolation etc, is affecting my friggin mind again. and it is just not right.

so-- i'm just pissed off and in pain today-- and soooo awfully afraid to drive today. but i have no choice. soulman has missed soooo much work due to me and soulkid and hospitals he is a blesed man to still have a job, otherwise he would drive me today. he always does or has when possible. just today-- it isn't possible.

i guess on the bright side-- there is no ice or snow on the road. maybe if i just stay on the far right lane and drive slow til i get there i wont have to turn my head or worry too much about a wreck. i spose we shall see.

if he doesn't help me with meds--or a diagnosis-- or better yet a cure or answers at neuro--- i have absolutely had it. i will be forced to do like yesterday-- for how-ever-long-- and remain knocked out on xanax and muscle relaxers. i slept the day away yesterday. it was all i could do. i was down to four pain pills-- this am, after a dose of two-- i have two left. i will need them for the drive to the dr. after that-- if he rx's nothing? i'll be living my life asleep. because i just cannot take this shit any-- f'n-- mo!!!

so anyhow--- i spose that's my whine, crybaby, rant for the moment. i wish i could be more positive. it's just so very hard to be in this situation. 80 percent of my stress would be less if i had less pain and someone to drive me to the doc today.
instead-- i am falling apart, thinkin the worst.. and just want it over.

so yep--- anyways-- that's all i got for now. and i'm sure you've heard enough anyhow.

i hope you all have good and happy days in your worlds today---
still thinkin of all of you lots-- just not gettin everywhere i want to in blogland lately.

if anybody's prayin.. you know me and my pal jamie -and her girl could use a few.
and i bet if i was gettin around more-- some more of my friends out there could use one too.--

so anways-- i am gone--as soul dad and soul kid are havin ww3 about chores undone.
and it makes me hurt--im gonna go hide in the shower.

bye bye.

my days runneth into each other

hi peeps---

looks like we have another humpday upon us. woohoo. ya right. the only thing exciting about that is that i finally figured out what day it is. they all seem the same anymore. they all just run right into each other. none are different. except that some nights i'm here alone for a while, and on some, one or both the other soul peeples are here. just depends.


today, on the other hand, i -- well, actually, we all---woke to a brand new prez. the first black--or to be more PC.. african american - president. in a way i'm concerned. i'm not prejudiced about it, but "it' has crossed my mind-- i wonder if the dumbass KKK, skinheads, or other really "against-a black president" people, are gonna cause problems. like huge problems. i really hope not. i'm talkin like riots, and big huge major scary issues. it's possible. and worrisome. (to me)

for me??? i didn't vote. i know. shame on me. i would have. i wanted to. but circumstances wouldn't allow me to. even if i would have tho-- i will admit i woulda gone the other way-- BUT i am not unhappy with the results-- i sorta expected it to go this way-- and personally i feel it is actually about time. it was bound to happen. i don't have a problem with it. a black president-- or a democrat. it was just time for both. really. i know it's my opinion. i know we all have one. i also know i should prolly not be discussing this topic so i will stop. don't be hatin. :))

back to days runnin together--- it's hard for them not to. i don't know what the hell is goin on. how long i been home. what day is what. or the date. it takes an actual calender or "date check" etc to get a clue . or asking someone.. what day is it -- whats goin on today--yesterday-- blah blah.. you get the gist. tough way to be goin , but i get by. well, sort of. it's kind of confusing actually.

the few things that surprise me are-- just how long i have been in pain. how many meds i have sucked down. how long i have been trapped in this house. how long i have spent on my ass or in bed. how long i have gone without talkin to my peoples. how much i actually WANT to get UP and OUT of this damn house! even how much i want to CLEAN, and be productive with this damn place. ERG!
wanna know how long i've been down, and in pain?
today is day 16 days! since the day i entered the emergency room. omg. i didn't even know that til just now..i looked at the calender and counted. that doesn't even count the couple of days i was down with pain before goin to the ER. ugh.

i still have a hard time believing that i was only hours from dying, and not even know it. so weird. weirder still is the damn pain. can't figure it out. just want it to stop. y'all know it has my mind going in 300 different directions. but i'm not gonna rush to the ER again. altho my hypochondriac mind has told me to ten times. main times being when the pain is out of damn control. like when i can't breathe, or i am brought to tears. which has been often actually.

like yesterday. my God. i thought i was ok...well as ok as i could be. the pain was tolerable at least. i got on the phone to pay a bill.. by the time i hung up ten minutes later i was crying , short of breath, and apologizing thru the pain. i had no idea it would be that way or i would not have attempted the call in the first place. the payment was completed, the poor girl on the phone was almost in tears with me,; wishing me a pain free rest of the day. i felt really foolish for calling in that situation. but i hadn't been talking prior to the call.. i was alone--and had no idea that just speaking could cause so much pain. ugh.
after i hung up, hubby showed up-- it was his lunch hour and he spent the whole thing picking up a pain patch from my dr, to bring it to me, and rush back to work, cuz i still cannot drive.
he slapped it on my neck/shoulder, made me soup--him a couple dogs on the run and rushed back to work. and i spent the rest of the day in bed--til hubby got back home around 6 and fixed dinner and got me hooked up with more meds. but omg. i wish i just knew where to go for help with this.
it has to be either endocrinological--or neuro related. i'm just not sure which. i just know i don't wanna spend another second with another doctor--- nor do i -- or can i continue to mask the problem with meds. i need to find out what the real problem is. something is causing this pain. what the hell IS it??? someone out there has to know, and do somethin about it.

the CT results merely showed a "swollen--or enlarged" thyroid gland. which to me.. leads me in the direction of endocrine related--or addisons disease related. glandular etc. but WTH? my endo doc is a idiot. i went to her in what i am almost sure was addisons crisis, unable to walk--literally- with extremely low BP-- and she did absolutely nuthin. ugh. refered me to ER. gee thanks. yes if i were rich, perhaps that might be an option.. but it wasn't because i am not. sooo. screw her.

which now, leads me to wonder.. could the pain be neuro related? cervical dystonia? did i snap my neck from falling so much that day? did i get picked up too much? too roughly? after falling that day? could i have fallen too hard, and not realized it? wtf? just what the fuck?

there is not one thing-- at least not one thing that went noticed on the CT that "should" cause this much pain. but i have all these damn doctors that should be able to find or tell me something-- anything. they are finally willing -- at least to this point -- to medicate me-- but i am tired of the medicine. i want to know WHAT the cause is. ya know. shit. shit shit shit.

i am afraid that now-- as in today, i am almost out of meds-- i still have no answers, i still have pain, albeit less-- thank god-- but --- what if today is the day that every dr. whimps out on giving me meds-- because there are no answers. and here i go left in all this pain-- still with no answers, and everyone tired of looking for them. ugh. can we just say screwed?

i'm sure y'all think i'm a junky by now--- right along with the docs-- but it just isn't that way. i almost wish i could be at this point/. get some enjoyment somewhere--sometime-- out of it ya know. all i am seeking at this point is to sleeep it away. and i do that without pain meds. i have other meds to put me out. i just fear another clot from being immobile-- so i am afraid to sleep too much,
i suck y'all.
i can't find relief.
physically or mentally.
and it sucks.
if i am in pain.. i am obviously physically and mentally fucked.
if i am not in pain--as temporary as it is.. i am usually alright-- thats the only time.. but then i fear to "do " too much . or something.
or worry to use too much meds or some shit.
when i do rest -- i worry i am too still..i should move more.
when i move-- i worry i will do to much,.
ugh ugh ugherg.
even when i get a chance to feel good enough to blog-- i get to feeling guilty if i dont hit all my pages-- cuz i dont know when i will--and i hate to miss anyone.
and i love to hear from yall, and when i do-- i feel bad if i cant answer everone--so when or if i cant i dont answer anyone--so i feel pressured.
its all so yucky.
just shoot me.
not really
just love me.
i'm tryin to get better.

i just wana go fishin before it gets cold.
i wana go out to eat.
i wana clean my house
i wanna cook somethinn really really yummy for my family.
i wanna hit and comment on every single one of yalls pages and comments here
i wanna drive my car
i wana wash my hair without hurtin myself
i wanna sleep all night long without waking hubby by moaning and cryin like a baby.
i wana get thru a day without a pain pill--or six.
i just wana be me

shit-- i thought i was a waste before-- look at me now- hell man; i cant even fix my own lunch or get to the store or take my kid to school or cook or clean or not a damnthing.
useless.
thisistruedisability
and it sucks

but it really makes me appreciate MY life-- i miss it.
i will not take it for granted when i get it back.

oh hell... i almost forgot-- you have ta go here!!! i found it on accident-- but trust me you will like what you see ::


----  or not -- 9-26-2011-- skimming through old random posts -- this link got hacked - i promise you - no one i associate with would have liked where it went - i was mortified !!!!!! 

i must pee now.

happy humpday

monday---right? / with pt 1 dok-duh update

there's just no way to make pain attractive. is there?
ya. i didn't think so.
therefore, the below pic is pretty close to what i see looking back at me in the mirror today.
beyond unkempt, or sadly self neglected. i look like shit-- and not even shitty enough for a silver platter. i passed that a day ago. i'm barely scrapin by to pass for shit on a shingle. for you non military folks--- that's not very attractive. kinda resembles vomit on toast. it actually doesn't taste too bad tho-- at the galley anyhow.



ok, ok.... we'll move forward. i went all weekend with pain and crappy pain meds. my own fault cuz i sawed thru the demerol too fast. not that it helped anyhow. but at the time the codeine was making me barf, and the pain was making me cry-- and barf. so i had to do somethin.. right?
so--- now it's monday-- nurse ratched is on duty-- along with-- "dr. omg i'm terrified to write a pain script." i will be goin in at 9 to be seen for more blood work and i hope hope hope-- help with the pain. even if just some piece of mind that the pain is "normal. " i have crappy pain meds.. bad thing is if they work at all it's only for an hour or two. and that just doesn't cut it.
i don't think it is. normal pain i mean.and i am worried about it. the pain i had at ER is no longer there-- pretty much anyhow--it hurts , but nuthin like it did before--and nuthin like my damn OPPOSITE neck and shoulder is hurtin now. or since. WTH peeps? why the other side ... it kills.

yep, she's scary-- but make her help me!!!!

she has to stick me to check my blood--- maybe she'll be kind and give me something that will work for pain and not get ralphed up in the process????

ugh...
i spose y'all have heard enough about puke and pain?
i know i have.
i reckon it's gettin time to go on to the dr. hell, which means i must cleanse myself. i look like a street person. ugh boy. really. i look baaaad.
i really wish i had a normal functioning bathtub! the glass shower gets a little scary after you've fallen over twenty times.

anyhow-- i hope you all have glorious days in your worlds today--
i'll pretend to.
and i shall let you know if anything positive comes from the doctah.
i bet i'll get no more than pissed off--- as usual.

Dok-Duh Update Pt 1 -
///////////////////////



well, the first, and hopefully worst part of the doctor day is ovah.
have i ever told you just how much i hate doctors? maybe not. cuz it just might be impossible to verbalize. ugh. but i do hate them. i hate them ... a lot.
so, we go in. get my blood checked. it's very "off".
less than a week a go-- it read 3.33 LOL.. OMG it sure did. haha
then, saturday-- it read 2.1 --
guess what it read this a.m. a while ago? 1.1

is it good? nope. only if i wanted fat healthy blood.
which i don't. not right now. i want skinny watery anorexic blood i guess.
but that isn't what i have.
doc don't know why it's changing so fast--
not real sure how to fix it--
well sure, raise the blood thinner med--
k-- hmmm... guessing game
this, to this, to this, then see me friday.
you can go now.
ummm.. hey lady-- i am in like really bad pain.
here--have some demerol.
actually, it didn't help much what else ya got.
go have an mri and see what they say.
wait-- are you serious.. i dont want an mri-- you dumbass. i want answers-- and-or--no to less pain.
well, leave with nothing at all then .
whhhaaaaaaaa????
NO -i'll take the shot.
i am in pain.
ok have a shot-
have a ct too-
no rx tho.
i know you are in pain, but that's too bad,
i don't make addicts.
(or somethin like that)
so, ok, i took the shot in the ass,
and went and had a ct.
do i know anything?
nothin more than i knew a few hours ago.
i'm still in pain.
i have meds that make me puke.
but i'm takin em anyhow.
and all the shot in the rear did was make me tired.
i'll let ya know if anyone decides to let me know if the ct says anything.
other than that--
i'm gonna eat somethin and go to sleep-
so til next time
g'day :)))