hodgepodge in a hurry - (plus dr. update)

don't ya love it when i'm in a hurry?
you know you won't be suckered into readin nonsenical babble for a half an hour. i apologize for doin that-- but you know you love it -- sometimes. :))
but really-- i am runnin short on time right now. i need to get ready to take the kid to school, then head to a dr. appointment right after that.
and yeh, she did come home sick yesterday. she did act like she didn't feel well... but i wonder. ya know. she seems ok today. course i haven't 'seen' her yet. she's upstairs gettin ready. but i don't know. anyhow-- it's work and time that she has to make up-- not me. so whatever. sick or not-- it's her time.

so-- lemmee start with this:

the dog- pit bull that my nephew in jax florida found a couple days ago-
he is nursing him back to health, and takin him for a vet check -- prolly a microchip check etc too-- he may be lost and starved on his own, and really not abused like most of us think.
my nephew is a young man, who doesn't have a lot of extra money to take care of this dog like this awaiting his safe adoption-- so- i'll follow my sisters lead -- and put up this link here--- please, if at all possible, if you can find it in your heart, send a small donation for the care and vet visit of 'Skeletor". so he doesn't find himself gettin the needle before his time. he has a friendly and loving disposition. my nephew wants to keep the dog, but he has his own pets, and a homeowners association. he is unable to keep skeletor. this poor dog deserves a good home.
please help wes nurse him back to health and find him a home. without help from us , he may not be able to even keep him that long.

thanks in advance folks:

http://fuelmultimedia.com/temp_found_dog/



just go there and drop of a few bucks-- you know it's goin to a good cause.

and hey, besides that--- i will personally volunteer that for every 50.00 raised for the care of skeletor--

each nephew will pull some wild stunt such as this ---
this photo is wes-- floridian in chicago-- just love him :)) this has to be worth the first donation; no? you know it is :))

(as a matter of fact-- yes,
"it" does run in the family :))

and, on that happy note- i am out of time- if i get any reportable news-- which i hope to-- from the dr today-- i shall update latah---

happy tuesday folks-

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

dr. update - and maybe more

ok, i'll drink to that.
they're all horses asses.
dr jekyll's , mr hydes, and nurse ratcheds'
every last one of em.
i must say, that i have gotten more doctors off their lazy ass,
and more answers that have led to diagnoses -
of and on my own, than any of the so called doctors that i have ever seen.
except for ONE.
can you believe that?
ONE doctor out of maybe literally 100 + of them?
over a span of possibly 16 years or more.
that is pure insanity.
from both sides.

if i were to include physical pain here-- such as the back pain, and migraine headaches? we could be talkin about a span of 22 years ! several of those years being active duty navy- or a military wife. meaning -- also more military dr's.. then after that? VA hospitals-- more military treatment - of low budget- hurry up and wait. "we don't have time for complicated cases-- so get the hell out and take what you get." but-- i also have to admit here , that the ONE doctor that actually probably saved my life, and did find a diagnosis and starting point with my multitude of physical problems, was at a VA hospital in New Mexico. yes i know. the place i often refer to as Hell. because mentally and emotionally-- living there has both times-- landed me in a very bad mental state-- and the last time in approximate '05, damn near physically killed me. i got so very sick. sick enough that we-- me, my dr (s), and my husband were searching for cancer. we almost thought i had it at one point .. and rather than be terrified-- like the rest of the family? i was relieved to give 'it' a name.
i was finally happy to know why i was shriveling up to nuthing. being unable to get out of bed. i needed to know what was wrong-- i didn't care what it was. but after a breast lump was removed and found to be benign? the family rejoiced-- while i found disappointment in starting at the beginning again. because i still didn't know what the hell was wrong with me. i continued to get sicker-- in every way imaginable. for no reason? WTF? the tests continued. until finally-- i got a diagnosis that i could live with, and manage. it was called addison's disease-- also known as adrenal deficiency. yeh i know- that's what i thought too. but they gave me meds and they helped in no time. i gained weight - i regained strength and energy. i felt alive again.
i however was still depressed about living in 'hell', and so did soulkid. that place is just not for us. of course soulman knew we went out there only because it's what he wanted-- to be near his family. he watched both of with our own different struggles, and not only us-- but he wasn't happy either. so- yes we packed up and came back home. to texas. not that many of the physical and emotional problems haven't followed any of the three of us--- for the most part it was a very much needed move we had to make. for so many different reasons. some of those are resolved now-- and some were even life threatening- as some of you know.

so. here i am.... babblin like a brooke-- too bad i aint fishin eh?
ya still with me peoples? sorry bout all the yackin... just a little background for some folks who don't know the whole story.
i'm gettin closer to today tho--i

so anyhow--- gettin more to the point-- i mentioned recently-- that for the past three years or so- i have been seeing a nurse practitioner, rather than the real endocrinologist md - or whatever he is. MD PA whatevah--

i saw the show mystery diagnosis a few weeks ago-- which lit a fire under my ass - that i was gonna demand to see the real dr-- or move on to a new place altogether. i was fed up with seeing this NP - that knows less than i do about this whole thing one more time. so i fixed all that and rescheduled my upcoming appointment to be with him. it pushed me back some. but it was worth the wait.

so--- in the meantime-- i'd watched the tv show-- portraying a lady with 16 years of hell-- many similar if not exact symptoms such as mine-- her diagnosis? an adrenal tumor. hmmmm. aside from demanding to see the real dr-- i also hit dr google up for some answers.

but wait-- there's more-- sorry y'all, there's always more tho- isn't there?
it's cuz i'm me. you know that. right?

well, it just so happened - that my appointment - for some reason, i forgot- got changed , again, by the office, and was pushed back by another week--
that didn't bother me.. i think it had something to do with the ten inches of snow last week or something- anyhow--

during the wait-- i somehow stumbled upon a 'new to me'.... disease-- or syndrome or some such thing. i only found it like three or four days ago. and i really don't know how. i don't remember what i was 'lookin ' for. but it wasn't that. OH-- i know-- it was images! somehow- i came across some images -- while not looking for these images-- but i saw them.
here-- lemmee show ya--

see the more reddish ones?
some i know look like bruises- but some are red kinda-

well - good ole nurse practitioner - tells me like a year or more ago, when the begin to appear on my arms and legs - that they are broken blood vessels/ you have thin skin/ nuthin to worry about/ etc. i of course over a period of time try to find more info- ask other doctors etc-- i can't find a thing- or get any answers- so i finally accept that "it's nuthin to worry about."

UNTIL-- i stumble onto that photo--- it happens to be a symptom--one of many -- of "Bechet's disease" -- well, i'll be damned. it does happen to be blood vessel related - forgot what the page i found it on called that specific 'condition'. but guess what else is included -- or involve with 'bechet's' ? no guessers? lemmee help ya out k? -

1-let's call em 'cheetah spots - yup
2-vasculitis - yup-- i have that in my head - and apparently these mystery spots are due to that too 'vasculitis'
3-brain lesions - yup - found on MRI after second seizure
4-seizures- umm yup (x3)
5-central nervous system 'issues/pain -- yup y'all know that
6-recurrent oral ulceration (abtheous ulcers) is the characteristic symptom for the diagnosis of Behçet disease
Malaise
Anorexia
Weight loss
Generalized weakness
Headache / migraines
Perspiration
Decreased temperature
Clinical features - arthritis-have been reported as pain, tenderness, swelling, limitation of joint movement, warmth, and morning stiffness.
pulmonary vascular thrombosis -- such as the lung clot -

o Acquired hypersensitivity to streptococcal antigens plays an important role in the etiopathology of Behçet disease.

y'all do remember me sayin more than once that "i can look at someone with strep- and get sick?
in fact-- when i got the lung clot-- it was because i was sick with mono- and strep at the same time-- = 5 days in bed. at least that's what we all thought.

so. i told the doc all of this-- and i will see a rhumatoid doc for a Pathergy (skin hyperreactivity) test. which is a prick on the forearm-- seems like it's similar to a TB test - only different :))

and when that's done-- i'll let ya know what happens-

but if it's positive-- and by the looks of the symptoms-- which i have like 99.9 % of?
i'm not feelin too hopeful. there's no cure-- and if this is what i have, at the 'stage i am at- with the brain and CNS involvement? well. do the math.

of course-- soulman and soulkid don't read here very much- if at all-- so if possible-- let's keep this between us k?

they like to be in the dark-- believe it or not.


so - i'll let ya know when i get stuck-at the rheumatoid doc i mean.

til then-
hope ya get some sunshine in your world-- i'm lookin for it-

yeh, i really have had enough !

yep. by midnight. more snow. here. texas. ugh. don't i have a say in this? oh, i don't? well that's not right. in fact, it's crap. i am so sick of the cold weather. have i mentioned that? if i haven't, it is true. very true. i was not born to be cold---ever. ever. i hate it.
i also hate how it makes me feel emotionally. it's downright friggin depressing. and i don't wanna go outside-- or even look outside. but i always have to. if nothin else i have to cart soulkid back and forth to school. good lawd i can't wait til she gets her license. that could however backfire on me ya know. cuz once she can drive ? i will have no real need to leave the house. and if i don't... hmmmm. that might not turn out to be as good as it sounds. but anyhow---

i had more to say-- but the dinner bell just rang, and we're gonna watch a movie on dvd-- maybe i'll tell ya bout it latah-- or maybe tomorrow-

y'all be careful if ya get snowed on... burrrr-- snow makes me bitchy -- er
bleh

so. what's goinin on in your world today?

howdy folks-
what IS goinin on in your world today?

whole lotsa nuthin in mine. just in case you were wonderin.

i have cramps, and i been on my ass since i woke up -- at a very late - for me - 9 a.m.

i smoked cigs and drank coffee whilst i watched the boob-tube ...

a recorded episode of 'the closer'
i love that show.

after that, i cruised around facepuke for a while. yeh that's right. i said that. but i had to get my account back to watch soulman make his trip to florida when he went to get the boat. he posted pix, and kinda did a little diary type thing on his travels. so i didn't wanna miss out on that. so call me guilty of dissin facebook and crawlin back to it.
anyhow--- while i was there--- i saw a post there by my elsdest nephew--
if anyone is in or near jax florida -- or knows of anyone-- a stray and literally starving to death -- pit bull, came into his yard. my nephew is unable to keep the dog or i know he would. he was raised with two pet pit bulls and he knows that can make good pets if they are treated with respect.
so the deal is- he doesn't want to take the dog to the shelter- in fear they would euthanize him merely because of his breed.

so-- take a look-- and if you can-- try to find him a home?

yep--him.

that is just SAD.
poor fella.

well folks-- just as i was gettin comfy-- the soulkid is texting like a mad-woman . she is in need of a ride home. soulman has taken the boat out on it's first test run after the engine install he and a friend did yesterday-- which was gonna be the next pix i was about to put up-- but alas... that part has to wait til i return.

when soulkid speaks-- people listen :))

eegads .

i will be back in a while.

ta ta for now my friends-

ok, so i'm back.
did ya miss me?"
apparently that would be a no, cuz it looks like no one's been by yet.
since i left anyhow- well, noone talked to me at least - so i assume that no one's been by. so anyhow. yes i have returned. somewhat unscathed. visibly so, at least.

anyhow- let's forge on, shall we?

how bout we start sunday, part deux with the new boat?
sound ok to you?
well, you don't really have a choice do you?
i wish you did, cuz i'll write about anything ya want- if you could interject at this point and make a suggestion.
unfortunately-- you cannot.

altho , there is always the comment box--
suggest away.
i could always use a writing prompt or two :))

ok-- mooovin on-
the boat-


there she is --
motor install - complete :))

there she is today -
preparing for first launch.
i kinda hate that i missed the maiden voyage.

but there is always next time.
right?
such a pretty boat.
dontchya think?


so. anyhow-- next on the list?
saturday-- nope-- make that friday night--

we went to the movies and watched a movie i had been anxious to see for quite a while. hey - don't blame me, but i do have an interest in crazy people movies. not killer people movies--just mental people movies. and this one was pretty good.


soulman said he had it figured out pretty early on.. i didn't. so -- i think it wasn't as 'early on' as he says. not sayin he didn't figure it out- cuz he does tend to that alot-- along with guessin christmas presents. he's just psycho-- i mean psychic that way. i'm sorry -- bad joke. he's sane as they come. i couldn't resist the opportunity at the little dig tho-- gotta grab an opportunity while ya can right? and face it -- i don't get too many opportunities, at much really. so - well, you know.

so. that's about it for the soul fam happenins of late. i haven't accomplished squat around here lately. the med change is still kickin my ass. that i can't like. bleh. and i am supposed to raise the new med that i think is the one that is makin me so drag ass tired. i even moved that one to bed time- and i still can't find motivation for any damn thing during the day. it's horrible. i am so not looking forward to doubling up on it. "just like prozac" -- my ass it is. more like seroquel if ya ask me. so, yeh. gotta go from 20 mg to 40 mg, real soon. i don't wanna. but--- if you haven't noticed -- it is helping. that and the added 100 mg of topamax , i guess. whatever works right?

so. i reckon that is all i can force out of myself for now-

y'all have happy days in your worlds today -
i'm workin on it-- or maybe it's workin on me
either way-

i aint cryin, and i am fully clothed :))
that's a hell of a place to be in my world-- compared to a week ago :))

bye peeps-

have you ever woken up in a puddle of melted chocolate?

well, just in case you haven't experienced that luxury? it's not fun. in fact, it in fact is a little like waking up in a pile a smooshed cat shit really. well, because at first ya don't realize you had been sleep bloggin while also sleep eating-- chocolate... no -- you stand there wonderin WTF is this shit on my shirt ! and did hubby see it and wonder, in silence, the same thing??
it's like OMG, how embarrassing. but after further investigation i realized i had been sleep bloggin, and sleep eating last night, and apparently 'lost' a truffle in the middle of it somewhere. end result? a truffle under my back for the rest of the night. oh yay !

so. yep. that was fun. not. i actually remembered the sleep bloggin part. well the bein on the computer part of it-- don't ask for details-- i have none. all i know is i could not sleep. yet-- i did sleep-- then wake up-- find myself online, shake it off, and continue on, rather than shut down and go to 'sleep' like a normal person. ugh.
but-- as for the eatin candy? nope-- no recollection-- except for the leavins on my sheet and shirt. peachy. at least it wasn't a mouthful of grilled cheese :)) that wouldn't be a first. and luckily i didn't burn anything.

can i get any stupider?
don't answer that. we all know that i can. and most likely will. let's just hope i have a few good years left.

welp- my alarm to take soulkid to school just went off-- but is she scramblin down the stairs like beaver cleaver? of course not-- so do you think i'm gonna shut this down like june cleaver? nah, not just yet. not til i hear the pitter pat of her little feets comin down to go to school. like the good girl that she is. hahahahaha. geesh i amuse myself. we never get there with more than two minutes to spare. ever. someday i will learn to not care . but i am always on the verge of a panic attack about HER bein late-- cuz I hate to be late anywhere. but her? she must be a robot when it comes to stress levels-- it seems the only thing that upsets her is ME. go figure.

welp-- really, i should go -- she is actually almost ready--
i shall see y'all in a while. ahhhl- be baaaack.
some -a- y'all are really in need of updating. or is it just that i blab too much?
anyhow---- i hope you all have good days--
it is almost friday ya know-- that is a good thing--
and if the sun shines? even bettah!!!!

laterz folks-



what will they think of next????
i want one :))

guess what i did today? anybody ?

any takers? any guesses?
nope, not a nap.
nope, didn't clean the kitchen.
nope, didn't get my hair cut.
uh uh, not that either.
so. what did i do?
well, i did pick up a prescription.
oh, and before that i took soulkid to school.
ummm, i also bought a case of water.
i paid a couple bills.

oh-- what's that? you don't give a damn? about none of it?
ok. well. how bout this? do you give a damn if i happened to have gone fishin?

well, what's even better than that? how about--- THIS !?

i went to the creek -- and didn't get a single friggin bite. after about an hour or so , i got tired and my ears were actually hurting from the cold, so i left. i swung by the house to grab my camera, and go pee :)) then i decided to go 'my' pond, and give that a shot.

i fished there for nearly two hours, maybe more. i was by that time, in pain. back, legs, ears, head, name it. if it was a part of me; it hurt. and i hadn't had a bite. no fish, no bites, nuthing. i was frustrated, but i wasn't quite at the point of angry yet.

by this time , soulman had already agreed to both cleaning the kitchen , AND picking up soulkid from school---- all i had to do was GO fishing. that in itself wasn't good enough-- for ME. i was gonna catch a damned fish if it killed me! oh and it was about to.

i had one last shot. one other place to try. one other pond that is close to home. we call it 'his' pond. (we have your pond, and my pond) :)) just worked out that way somehow-- he actually 'found' both of em. we just have our preferences-- then there's the creek.

anyhow-- i had been fishin for goin on like four hours -- maybe three-- yeh i think three hours by this time, and absolutely nothin was happenin. so i was gonna move on down the road. and i did.

i got to 'his pond', and i thought to myself - gawd, i'm doomed' -. not only were fish not bitin anywhere in town, but here was my last chance and there were two big ass trucks, with their engines runnin, chainsaws goin, guys workin on power lines. eegads. i knew no fish were gonna bite. they were surely hunkered down .

but-- i was on a mission-- and i gave it a go-- i fished my guts out for over an hour- and just as i was about to hang it up? what do you think happened?
yep--- i missed one ! damn. it was a good hard bite too. woke my ass up tho. so i tossed my line back in, and got really close to where i hit right before. and guess what happened next? you betchya--- wham ! almost as soon as the bait hit the bottom of the pond he hit like hammer-- kapow!! i reeled him in like a crazy woman too :)) i can't remember the last time i went fishin-- but i know it's been even longer since i caught a fish like this :)) wanna see him?

alrighty then--- here ya go -- my little slice of life pie -- finally --- it was good too :))

and no.
we catch and release round these parts.
:))
i sent him home.
then i came home - after another cast or two of course-

i hope y'all had good days out there peoples--
i actually did. and it actually hit a sunshiny 61 beautiful degrees :))

time's a wastin - do i care?

hi folks--
i should care-- but i don't. i do. but i can't. i am kinda stuck to the couch at the moment. soulkid and i should be leaving for school in no less than 7 minutes. she will be 'tardy' if we don't leave within that time frame. in fact, the earlier the better. but guess what? i am not even dressed yet. still in my jammies. and they aren't the most appropriate for man or weather. ugh. mind over matter? yeh right. my mind has been sayin get dressed for the last hour. my matter has been melting deeper and deeper into this couch since i woke up. bleh. help me.
ya know, the thought even crossed my mind to let her 'play hooky'. no. not an option. my next option? throw a jacket and slippers on over the mess that i am, and perhaps a hat-- i haven't even looked in the mirror yet-- i'm sure i look simply mahvelous.

the dr. did some guru switcharoo the other day with my meds-- upping and adding etc, and lemmee tell ya-- it's takin it's toll. i am zapped of any and all of what little spec of what energy i did have before. i am toast. burnt toast. med changes are never easy on me. prolly not for anyone. but geesh, i wish it would kick in and adjust already. i've fallen and i can't get UP.

ok-- one more cig-- and i must go-- maybe even in mid sentence-- who knows?

so anyhow-- thanks for all the positive comments in my last post. y'all are great.
and gypsy-- so good to see you again. it's been a while. i will have to swing by and check on ya when i get back from school. i hope you're doin better.

oh-- is anyone watchin american idol this year? ya know the casey james guy?

he's somethin else-

go ahead - call me a cougar-
he's HOT!
and he only lives like 40 miles from here :))

oh wait-- there's so much more :))

anyhow- i'm now bein bitched at- by a kid-- i gotta go
later

have some more - k? twofer tuesday -

well, you could try and shut me up-- but it prolly wouldn't do ya any good. cuz guess what? here i am, right up in your face. again.
ya know why? cuz just as i predicted in my first post of the day -- i got home from droppin the child off at school, and after actually a few slightly productive to-do's, i am here, on my arse; where i most likely will remain for the rest of the day. unless per-chance i may be lucky enough to get a burst of energy. i simply don't see that happening tho. not today. maybe not even tomorrow.
would you believe it tho-- the sun is out, and whilst driving home from school, the thought of goin fishin actually crossed my mind. just the thought guys. but hey-- that's progress. it's a very small step in the very right direction. considering it was a mere 39 degrees at the time. and not only am i allergic to leavin the house-- i am even more allergic to cold. so hey-- gimmee a couple days-- when the forecast is 60 degrees -- and let's see what happens. there just might be a small miracle in my world. hmmmm.

so. anyhow-- you may be wondering why i decided to post a second time in such a short period eh? well, you see, i was sifting through some files etc on my computer. i happened across a little 'story'. it's really a part of an email i had written to someone recently-- and i saved it to my files -- well this part of it. the reason i saved it is --- as some of you know-- i have been planning-- and have actually attempted, several times, to author a book. one time my computer crashed -- i lost over two hundred pages of this book-- with no back-up. it took years before i attempted to write it again. and i haven't got near as close to that point again. but-- i'm gettin pretty close to knucklin down and gettin serious again. so much so---- i bought a new computer yesterday. hey-- hubby got a boat--- i get somethin too right? that is what i chose for myself. it won't be here for a couple weeks-- but luckily -- i have enough work and cleanin up to do to make room for it that the time is actually needed. so , i can wait.

anyhow-- gawd, i blab a lot. seems a book should fly right outta me eh?

so. back to what i WAS sayin---
i came across this partial email--- and i decided that some of you may want to see it.
just some tid bits you may or may not know--- about the "Soul story"

february, 2, 2010

where the name 'soul' came from :

it started with 'soulmange' - a very long time ago - which happens to remain my email address.

when i lost jacob. i had a dog named midnight. (you may or may not remember her-- but i had that dog longer than any person, or any-thing- ever.) well, cept for soulman-- and he was only a close second. :))

well- when we lost the baby "Jacob"-- my dog got mange. severe mange. she almost died from it. her litter of ten pups did have to be put to sleep because of it. i just didn't know she had it-- she didn't show signs for months- so it made it hard to know what happened to her.
so, that- and misdiagnosis made it hard to know.
by the time she got the right diagnosis- and medication? i was literally minutes away from asking one of staceys friends to take her out and shoot her. the poor dog did nothing-- except shrivel up to skin and bones, go bald, scratch constantly, cry, and bleed. i couldn't handle it anymore. it was breaking my already broken heart.
the day i was going to ask this guy to shoot her-- i saw my shrink--- who suggested i get a second opinion first.
so i did.
she got a proper diagnosis-- some God given meds, shampoos, vitamins, etc.
i swear to you - within a week-- she had a thin but beautiful coat of hair coming in, she wasn't crying or scratching, she was gaining weight- and eating. she was coming back to life. God gave me my dog-- my soul-mate back. she was on the verge of death. and she lived another -- 10+ years :)) (she did have bouts with breakouts- and flea allergies- but we knew what to do to help her.)
God knew i couldn't lose her. not then.

midnight- 2004 - ish

anyhow-- one day- back then - i was looking at her-- she was still really sick at this time--
she was sitting in the middle of the street in front of our house- i was sitting on our deck.
i could sense it that she was as miserable as i was-- and i thought to myself that she was sitting there-- in the road-- just hoping that she would be run over. she hated living that way.

it was then then i thought-- i know how ya feel my friend--- i have mange too. my soul has mange. i want to die too.

that was when i chose the name 'soulmange.'

and when i decided to put her out of her misery.
and me out of mine as well.

she was healed-- with my help of course-- of her mange---
and i was soon after-- admitted -- into my first mental hospital.
after no other option-- i walked -- crying uncontrollably into my shrinks office-- helpless- and hopeless-- with no where else to turn-- and told her-- i didn't know what else to do-- other than die. she couldn't let me leave like that-- she called my husband- then the hospital-- i was admitted-- my husband was beside himself-

i had finally lost my mind.

BUT---

about twelve years later i had this blog--- and i had folks who liked the stuff i had to say on there--- and i had moments of light in my dark soul ---- and mind--- and i learned to laugh-- and trust (a little)-- and folks didn't like to call me 'soulmange.'
because they didn't see me that way.
they didn't see me as a dark , disturbed, sad person.
at least not all the time.
i made people laugh.
i had a positive side.-- and that side seemed to 'come out' more and more'-
i had a helpful side- that cared about people-- genuinely. many times-- more about them than myself.

they didn't want to call me-- or think of me as having 'mange' -

so--- i became
"SOUL"
(my blog was re-titled as well- with a little help from my friends :))
it went from - "queen earlene's finest" TO :

"Soul Survivor"

but---

now i'm brezz.

cuz i had a mental attack after christmas.
and i hurt a lot of these folks feelings, cuz i got paranoid, and thought everyone turned against me.
and that's because i spose i'm soulmange , once again.
so no more soul

just "Brezz"
(a story all it's its own)

BUT--
wanna hear something positive ?

for YEARS i have had the title for 'my book' that i may never write---
and i was driving home this morning from droppin 'soulkid' off at school--
and i thought of a brand new title for said book!!!!!

you DO know what that means don't you????

it means----
i need to start diggin up all my 'notes, and unfinished crap on this here 'book' we speak of---
cuz it just might get wrote after-all.
title being?
(well, a secret for now-- cuz i don't wanna curse it. that happens a lot in my world as you know. well, cuz i am me. )

the end-- well of the email-

back to today---

oh-- that 'me'? is SOUL -- again
and NO-- i'm not schitzo -- just had a bit of an identity crisis for a while.
i may not know how i feel sometimes-- but i always know who i am.
not sure which is worse sometimes. (i kid)

also-- side note--- i have been diggin thru notes and files etc. i see a book on the way.
it's gonna happen. and i am also gonna take some classes at the college next semester-- when i don't freeze to death walking from the car :))

see? step by step--- i'm gonna leave my house if it kills me. and it might.. but it'll happen.

i'm gonna fish
and go to school
and get a life
and write my book
and i'm gonna get out of this funk i'm in
and life will be good again
if only the sun would shine. what a shitty long winter it's been.

happy tuesday peoples-
happy every day :))

tuesday fail post

i just spent literally an hour on a post. where is it? don't ask me. floatin in blog space somewhere. i hit publish post -- then i get a message that i need to log in. WTF? so. i log in. i get a message sayin somethin like , oh hell i don't even remember now. but it wouldn't accept my log in info. even tho-- i know it was correct. can we say ERG !!!!

so. gone like the melted snow, is my blog post that i spent an hour whining. ummm, i mean writing. and no-- only the first paragraph of said post ended up saved to draft. and it's not worth working off of. really. you didn't wanna hear it anyways.

so. i shall start anew , with what i can cram into the mere 10 or 15 minutes i have left before taking my child to school.

what might that be? hellifiknow. let's ust go with it and see what falls out of these fat fingers of mine. shall we?

k. well. it was a dark and stormy night... oh wait.. that's someone elses story. sorry. i get so confused sometimes. bleh.
ok. where was i? oh i could tell you about my give-a-shit-ometer --
yeh-- it's stuck again.

on LOW

that's like runnin on empty all the time i guess. which i reckon, yeh, i'm pretty used to by now. so it's all good. well, as good as it gets-- for now, anyhow.
that would be-- for me. cuz i am me. afterall.

so. next on our menu? that would be. my trip to the shrink yesterday. epic fail. between that, and valentines day? i'd say tie. yeh. either of the two were a tossup for lockup. (i need to remember that one-- but i know i'll forget it. 'tossup for lockup. :)) not bad.
anyhow. yep- it was a scheduled appointment-- i mean i didn't go in on an emergency basis or anything-- but really-- one little slip up-- and i coulda ended up in patient-- it wouldn't be the first time. gotta be careful whatchya say in there at times like these. so. long story short-- i couldn't contain myself and ended up cryin like a baby as soon as i opened my mouth to reply to the simple question of "how have you been?'

umm how bout "caught in hanger " !!!

so. howdoyathink that went? oh trust me-- coulda been worse. much worse. she very well coulda locked me up if i woulda slipped up just once. but i was careful with my words-- but we did talk meds. i have been takin them, so the only thing that could have me this off-- is they ust aren't workin anymore. i have had no changes in quite some time. so she added some, raised a couple.. and i left with my fingers crossed. she's been my shrink for goin on ten years. she knows me inside and out- and we work together on med issues etc. not many dr's let their patients help with medicine issues etc. i like her.
so- with that-- we'll see how it goes. hopefully good.
or better at least.

welp-- folks--- i have run out of time-- i could write more when i get back but really i have got to at least begin to catch up on my life that has set on the shelf for the last week. this house looks like hell ran thru-- i look like the devil ran over me, and if nothin else - i really need a haircut. will i actually accomplish a damn thing?
prolly not. this will be my first day with the house to myself in several days-- and i may just sit here like the vegetable that i am and do nothing.

we shall see

but i must go-

have happy days in your worlds
i'm tryin

thanks y'all - for bein you - and helpin me

how can 'brezz have a "SOL" fishin reel ?

THIS is what i look at and feel inspired by-
THIS is what makes me smile-
even when i feel like shit-

NOT THIS /l\
ever -
an abandoned shoe?
every time i see one on the side of the road?
i wonder where it's owner is-
where is the foot that belongs in it?
where is the other one?
there is supposed to be TWO!
there is nothing to make me smile about one footless, shoe.

THIS is what i feel about a footless lone shoe

but THIS is what lookin at

HIM (her) does to me

SO -- guess what folks ?

i'm goin back to "Soul Survivor"
and i want y'all to come with me.
it won't be the same without you.
I won't be the same without you.

to quote what Donna (TX) said in the comments:

"I loved Soul...Brezz has a Spirit...Which do YOU feel holds the Truth, for YOU? Then, follow that path!"

not to single any one of you out-- because every one of you said something special that touched my heart in its own special way. the way donna worded that-- and asked me to ask my 'soul' a question-- and answer it? that took some 'soul searchin' y'all. and i did find which of the two of Soul or Brezz holds the truth for ME. y'all already knew-- and i could feel it-- i could see it in the way i was writing, and feeling.

i have to be 'soul'.
i feel Soul.

y'all don't even know who Brezz is.
and i don't either.

THIS is who i am-

I am SOUL

LET'S ROLL FOLKS !

Soul Survivor

i had a really cool idea for the photo challenge -

BUT ---

well, y'all know , nothing ever goes as planned around here. i could explain some things -- but it would just sound like whining. so i'll just say i haven't had the opportunity to take pictures. at least not the ones i planned on for the challenge.

i wanna ask y'all a question though. way off topic of the photo challenge. but i'll say it anyhow.

i don't feel like myself lately-- and Lord knows i haven't been even writing like myself lately. not the myself you know. not 'Soul". and that's nobody's fault but my own. but it is keeping me stuck. ya know what i mean?
i shut down my other blog-- and moved over here-- and in my husbands own words

"shut the door on everyone".

ya know-- i'm not even sure why i did that myself . all i know is that he's right. and that it's also not the first time that he has had something to say about y'all, and the way i may have made YOU feel, by shutting you out.

i do know a little about a little bit. and that is only that i felt a little paranoid. i apologize-- but that comes with the territory. it's part of me-- i wish it wasn't-- but it is. by that -- i don't mean -- 'me' -- but it is part of one of my many ailments - which would be "bi-polar" - or what many folks call, manic-depressive disorder".
i have been so in the middle of an 'episode' for i have to guess, goin on two months.
i won't try to pick apart the reasons "why". and i sure aint gonna blame anyone.
when this happens -- usually 2-4 times a year -- it is nobody's 'fault'. sometimes something may 'trigger' an episode. and sometimes-- no one can even guess what happened-- it just happens.

i don't have the 'manic' y'all hear about on tv , or read about in books. you know, the one where the person goes off on shopping sprees, or has affairs, or parties til they realize they should go back home.
nope- i'm not lucky enough to have the 'fun' , yet sometimes still expensive and damaging manic. not me. i got the one that's reserved for the few that, feel that they can't trust anyone. that everything everyone ever said or did to or for them was a lie-- or a 'conspiracy'. that they were not ever meant to be loved or to amount to anything. and that every thing bad that has ever happened to them -- or even someone they loved was their fault. every argument-- every friendship gone bad -- every person who has died before amends were made--- my fault. and in turn i get extremely paranoid and angry. the only way i have ever acted out on these feelings tho-- was towards myself. verbally-- (in my head- for the most part) -- and physically-- in other ways. - insert your imagination here.

unfortunately, the depressed side of this same 'disorder'? holds the same 'emotions' (?) -- along with some others. both also sometimes include 'flashbacks' of things that have been said to me. downgrading, abusive things. maybe said to me by my mother-- other family members-- or friends. even strangers- or acquaintances, or co-workers.

in the rare case that i end up in what is called a 'mixed state" -- or sometimes 'rapid cycling' - stand by to stand by my friends.
it is then that i become a ship on a white squall --- and totally lose control.

of course- when this happens- i try my my damndest to not let it 'show' -
and eventually - yep - i fail.
it is impossible to hold 'that' inside.
wouldn't ya think so?

because basically , my heart, mind, body , and soul, are raging against each other-- raging against me. and for me, to struggle to keep that shit in check, is a lot more difficult that one might think.
i run around here-- feeling like that-- but i try to be all happy faced, and do what i'm sposed to. go to the mall, go to the movies, talk to people, be funny ole 'soul' on my blog.

well, ya know what? i can pretend only so long. brick by brick the weight on my back is getting pretty damn heavy.

and NO -- it's not all about me. if it was all about me.... you don't even have to wonder where i'd be. i would definitely be somewhere where it was all about me. not here. where i have to be careful not to voice too much pain. not to be sad, or depressed. definitely don't go off my nut. and God forbid, don't isolate.

just put on a hapy face. but yeh. i recently found out -- that even tho i thought i was doin ok in those areas? sweet child says to me-- 'you look sad all the time, and that makes me sad."
you stay in your room all the time, and that sets a pattern for me"

lovely. no matter how hard i try--- i fuck it up.

she hasn't even noticed that i don't stay in my room all the time anymore. only if i have a migraine-- and even then-- i sometimes just slap an eye patch on and stay out there with them and watch tv.

the way i 'look' -- holy crap-- i have had that 'look' all my life.
'smile".. you should smile more"
gawd -- if i had a dime for every time i've heard that shit-- i really would be rich.
well, if i'da saved it anyhow.

i know she's a kid - but even before -- she came into my life--- i lived in hell.
i'm not a person that sits around and smiles all day. i smile when something makes me smile.
and yes-- when i get too close to people-- i guess i do push them away-- or even "shut the door on them"--- many times i don't even realize it when i do it.
i just cannot be hurt anymore. i can't take it anymore.

i didn't mean to hurt any single one of you . i really believed that i had done something to someone- that i didn't even know what it was. and i thought there was some 'grapevine - rumor control- conspiracy " out there that i didn't know about. that y'all were sayin stuff about me. that was the reason that folks weren't talkin on my blog so much anymore. i had shit goin down at home , on my blog, and in my mind-- and i didn't know what else to do.

so i ran. it's what i do. i couldn't run away from home. (physically)
so. i ran away in my mind. not only did i run away in blogland---
in some way i did run away emotionally at home too. and it affected my family.
it just wasn't brought up til this last few days. in a BIG way.

i can't tell ya what happened with her-- or how far it went with her-- but yep-- you guessed it-- more blame on MY plate. she should have been able to come to me. i should have been there for her. i thought i was. this was the day robert had a heart attack.
a whole nuther story in itself-- and more blame-- and more misunderstanding from others. (towards me - and my lame feelings)-
regardless-- she mishandled her own emotions-- because she thought i was too into myself. (at least that is my interpretation. )
she instead- has chosen to spend the last two days with friends, rather than to talk to me.
as if i would be any help anyhow.
i've heard her laugh like i haven't heard her laugh in a very long time. sometimes kids just need their friends. parents aren't always the best medicine for a hurting kid.


but-- she is MY kid. i don't want her to hurt. i don't want her to act inappropriately on her feelings-- which unfortunately is also something she learned from me.

i so suck.

how can i love people so much-- and handle it so badly???

anyhow-- i've blabbed for an hour and don't even know what i said---
but i do have a question--

do y'all think i should go back to 'soul survivor"? should i be soul again. and reopen the other page?
should i leave all this crap here -- or bring it over there with me?

what do y'all want?

i love all you guys-- i never stopped. i just got a little screwed up in the head.
it wasn't the first time. it may not be the last time.
but y'all know-- it was a bit drastic... and i so apologize.
soulman has talked to me more than once about how Y'ALL must feel.
altho- he tries his best to understand me.... i really think it's easier for him to understand the normal mind. and he has reminded me of so much. not as i forgot any of it-- but he just kinda laid it out-- that y'all would never intentionally hurt me.
that y'all called when i had a seizure-- y'all called when i had the lung clot.
'people' just don't do that for 'anybody'.

i'm sorry y'all.
for so much.

i will never be able to erase any harm i've done-- but i would like to start over--

the rest is up to y'all.
what do you want me to do?

OX

i can't like it !

howdy folks-- is anyone i know NOT snowed in?

i think i'm in hell.

do you even have to ask what my plan of the day is?
yeh i thought not.
not only is there ten inches of fricken snow out there -
i had yet another sleepless night.
don't ask me why. guess that's just the way it is lately.
perhaps this day will be one spent in my bed watchin TV.


happy friday-
be safe and stay warm peoples-

it snowed - laugh if ya want but this is texas

icing on the cake - snow. yep. another of my favorite things. it's pretty. but i won't be goin out in it. i rescheduled my endocrinologist appointment for today - which i already rescheduled once before. shortly after that, my pain dr appointment people called me, and re-scheduled tomorrows appointment -- til next month.
i swear-- texas would bust if a real live blizzard hit.

so. hubby of course drove the spawn to school this morning-- we were all very surprised it wasn't a snow day-- they've closed schools here for much much less than todays' weather. but nope - not this time. but y'all know i don't do ice and snow- i am very dangerous drivin on this stuff. so really it's best i don't even try.

he was home from takin her to school for maybe half an hour-- saw two cars in ditches -- in a mere four mile ride home-- we had a chat about the weather-- and how it most likely will only worsen, and ice over even more. talked about a few more 'things', and came to the decision that he go pull her right back out of school. which he did.

i did manage to ball up- and venture outside
while he was takin the kid to school- and take these photos on my phone.

that of course was a few hours ago,
so it looks worse now.
not real bad worse-- just worse.

and of course-- school is going to be let out one hour early-- and canceled tomorrow.
yeh they're brilliant. hubby said , lots of parents were there when he was - takin their kids out too. they really shoulda canceled today too. how stupid. and a big waste of time. not to mention dangerous for a lot of kids and parents.

so. anyhow. what else?

i guess it would be best if i just shut up for now.
maybe i will write again later.
we shall see.

y'all be safe- stay warm.

bye

hungry angry lonely tired = thirsty for some

but a luxury i cannot afford-



yeh- good ole "HALT " (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). in AA you're sposed to 'check yourself' when you get emotionally overwhelmed and such. and 'halt' is one of the 'biggies' to watch for.
hungry- we know is the least of my problems. angry, lonely and tired-- hell, that's like fuel for me, it seems. daily -- every day emotions for this ole gal.
i wouldn't know how to act without those on any given day.

so let's add a few that i don't even know how to classify, or identify into the mix, and what do we get? oh, any combination of things. well, cuz we are talkin about me. remember?

plus--- me.. good ole 'me'. whoever that is. the one always trying to keep the peace. and or, people please. avoid conflict. make everyone around me happy. no matter what emotional price i have to pay. i am always left standing in the dark corner wondering what just happened.

can someone tell me? what the hell just happened?

because i'm not quite sure that i know.

in fact, i am positive of only that little factoid.

that i do not know what just happened.

i know a few facts -- because they are just that. they are facts. they are black and white. and they can't be questioned. the rest though? what the hell? it's a mystery to me. and as usual. that is natural. and it is what i do best. therefore -- it is what i'm doing. i'm blaming myself. and i don't even know what for !!!
everything i reckon.

and what do i wanna do about it? how do i want to solve it? oh baby, you know it.
i wanna run away and be alone, and i wanna drink it all away. and i don't want to feel responsible or guilty for any - body- or any - thing. in fact--- i don't want to fuckin 'feel' anything at all.

but. i'm not allowed to do that. i can't do that. i'm not allowed to even have the feelings i have now. much less act on them. appropriately-- whatever that is. or inappropriately. as we all know- i mentioned that above.
but-- i thought i was doin ok. and just feeling my feelings.

this morning me and hubby had made up after last nights bs fiasco-- all was fine. he took the kid to school this morning-- actually he even let me sleep in this morning-- after he came and dragged my stubborn ass to bed last night around 1230 or 1 a.m.

then earlier today he went to pick up my portrait that was ready at the framing shop--

wanna see?

obviously , he also hung it on the wall for me too.
isn't it beautiful?
(thanks again JLEE )

anyhow-- of course i was emotional about that-- seeing it finished ya know.
for so many years i could only imagine it in my mind. now it's finally here on my wall.


so. while he was still out getting the portrait. my sister calls me from england, to tell me:
her ex- husband had a heart attack last night. she had very little information at that point. and i still, at this point have no more info than i had then. which was of course hours ago.
i do not handle news like that very well. and i do not handle death very well. NO, he hasn't died. but it is quite a possibility. apparently, he refused medical attention when he felt sick , and in the time that lapsed before he did get any medical attention? a lot of damage had been done to his heart.

this was a guy that i spent a lot of time with when i was young. during my teen years. he is the guy who taught me how to fish. and he took care of me and my brother when my mom wasn't around, and we lived in really shitty places. roach and coke dealer, and hooker filled hotels. etc. one time there was a 'sniper' shooting outside in the parking lot of one of these hotels we lived at. and he was the one who got us all out of bed and onto the floor til it was over. this being in the middle of the night. i was only like twelve or thirteen at this time.
we were such a bunch of idiots i can just imagine us-- runnin and lookin out the window to see what what was goin on-- if he wouldn't have been there.
Robert.
the butt of many jokes over the years.
but really, he was, and has been , even though i haven't seen or talked to him in most of my adult years-- he is the brother that my own brother couldn't be.
he was more than a brother in law. he was my brother.
shit i talk of him now as if he is already dead. he may make it through--and God knows i hope he does. If there is no brain damage of course. that is a possibility.
i'm sure with that much damage to his heart it could mean brain damage as well. i'm not sure if he has spoken yet.

my nephews are getting together-- the youngest in chicago is goin to jacksonville tonight- to be with the other two, and they will decide what to do from here. whether to head to arkansas on the weekend-- or what.

the strange twist in this? it was only a couple of months ago that i had mentioned to my sister just nonchalantly that if robert were to die i would want to be told, because i would want to go to his funeral.
that surprised her.
i guess she didn't think i really cared about him anymore.
but i do.

people who touch my heart -- don't just leave it when they leave me.
they still live there.

that's not how i tick.
i guess i wish it could be that easy.
it's just not.

so, i'm 'thirsty-- but i won't drink-- not tonight.

well, that didn't last long

hiya folks---

just gonna check in real quick before bed-

if i woulda got on here half an hour ago like i planned? it woulda been much different. but, well, i got sidetracked. or perhaps that might be 'blind sided' -- in a way.
everything was goin great and WHAM! just outta the blue - bullshit came from nowhere. and i was the unsuspecting target. hmmmm. was i surprised? nah. but my good mood is in the shitter now, and i just wanna go to bed.

but-- as for the rest of the clan? here's the update-

hubby made it home safe and sound about two hours ago. he was thrilled to be home and not driving. he' dropped the boat off at storage on his way home a couple miles from here. i will see it tomorrow. i am lookin forward to it. and really, i can't wait to ride it-- and fish! but y'all know it will be a while before that happens-- number 1- it has got to have the engine from our boat put onto it. and number two-- it's just gotta get warmer before i get on a lake.

next? the daughter and i had gone to the grocery store before he got home- to get him a nice steak for his dinner, and some other stuff-- as we were once again out of everything. and i was 'forced' to let her drive us there. was i nervous? oh hell yeh. i was . she did real well on the way there. traffic was light , she had just got out of school, she was in a pretty good mood, and me? well, i wasn't feelin too bad. considering-- well, that i am just me.

so-- off we go. and honestly-- i was actually sorta relaxed-- a little. even told her "i could get used to this". i mean hell. just look at her. we were talkin, smilin, doin fine. no arguing. just cruisin along.



she did really good. and i was proud of her.

BUT-- OMFG-- the ride home? totally different story. she was fightin over the radio-- totally distracted. she nearly hit two cars. all i could do was pray, breathe, and TRY NOT to yell at her. i did not want to stress her out. she on the other hand? had NO problem yellin at me. none.
wth did I DO?
nuthin. i didn't do nuthin.
to nobody.

if i need an ass kickin-- someone just get it over with-- if it would put a stop to the dumb shit. this is flat out ridiculous. i really feel like a target is on my back. or maybe my forehead. i can't help it- that's just how it feel for me.
for nearly forty years.

some know why-- no where close to all of you. but even the ones who have a mere hint -- really have a fraction of the puzzle that is me.
but hey- don't feel bad-- i haven't even figured me out yet.
eegads.
am i crazy-- or am i sleep bloggin?
all i am sleep bloggin?

this is one a those nights i could simply 'go somewhere' -- know what i mean,

but as the saying goes--

i got no place to go

we do our runnin around , and get home , and started cleanin up the kitchen so she could cook dinner for her dad. it was somethin she really wanted to do for him, and you know i wasn't gonna argue with that. so i washed dishes, and she cooked. she also did a fine job on a great meal.

it was finished a little too early-- but he was famished when he got home-- we were pretty hungry too- so we all sat at the table to eat-- something we don't do very often. and it was nice. it wouldn't have been any better had we gone out to eat. in fact- we usually regret goin out-- and complain that we coulda cooked better, and spent less, etc. and that's true. but goin out to eat- or goin to the movies- seems to be our main forms of entertainment.
bleh.

so anyhow-- after dinner- we watched (DVR'd american idol).

see what i mean-- sounds like the perfect day, doesn't it?
even eevee was happy to be home-- and of course we were happy to have her back too.

but-- that's about when the shit hit the fan.
kid decides to argue with me -- over shopping-- y'all know it's my favorite thing in the world anyhow--
all i'm doin is trying to avoid confrontation -- for 15 minutes -- sweet child is yellin at me about where a certain store is-- and it's not where i say it is-- of course cuz she knows everything. and dear hubby is in lala land--- she's arguing-- i'm doing my best to make her stop-- or at least to understand that i'm so sick of buyin shit online that doesn't fit and never gets returned-- that it's go to the store-- or she doesn't get it. and it's got to the one i want to and know where it is-- not the one where she wants to go to -- which is further-- and in worse traffic--and people hell. how hard is it to accept that?????

so yeh-- she's goin on and on and on-- so much so-- i could go drive of a bridge by now. and she just won't stop !

i finally tell her-- just leave me alone or i aint buyin you shit!
yes i did. no it isn't child abuse.
if anything, what she was doing to me was adult abuse. i was about to have a damn panick attack....

and hubbby didn't say nuthin-- til i finally told her to basically-- shut up or else.

so-- maybe i over reacted? but i got mad, and then went off on him-- for rather than -- defending ME-- for the last 20 minutes while she consistently argued with me about taking her where she wanted and to buy her what she wanted-- all the while making me more and more upset-- and less and less likely to buy her a damn thing.
he tells ME to stop yelling?!!!

ooooooohhhhh. that doesn't work in my world. so now it was a total fiasco of bullshit. i was instantly pissed that he jumped to her defense after i had ONE comment in my own defense-- and he jumped to defend her-- when he remained silent while she yelled at me -- demanding her way as if she were veruca salt for the last 20 minutes.

and now-- she's upstairs-- he's in bed-- and guess where i am?
damn sure aint where i wanna be. i wanna be in bed too.
but -- nooo. even tho i took headache meds, bed meds, other bs meds-- after american idol-- with the full intent of goin to bed with my hubby today, at the same time, unlike most nights. the little nuclear fallout a while ago-- has left me somewhat frazzled and UP. so, here i sit-- in the livin room-- bloggin. perhaps-- i may soon be sleep bloggin. who knows. all i know is -
it doesn't take long for a good day to go bad. at least around this place.

run in place til i get back :))

i'll put a real post up later on i gotsta go do life stuff

so do things really come in 3's ?

a view from here :))

i think they must-- i even almost got this post started at 3:33. now THAT woulda been just a little too strange. of course, stranger things have happened - around here. we all know that, right?

so. here i was, after my previous post. 2nd for today-- well, technically 2nd for sunday-- but today is still sunday for me-- cuz i still haven't been to sleep yet.
however, that was my intent-- about an hour or so ago. i posted , then i read a little bit-- of all things? -- parts of a hand written journal i wrote-- in 2001-- in a psyche hospital. yeh i know-- i'm just askin for trouble aint i? erg.

strange thing tho? i have not looked at these 'notes' since then. i guess you could say i was 'afraid to'. maybe afraid to 'trigger' something. and cause a set back, or something.
but recently, i have had writing my stupid -- prolly never to be written book - on my mind again. so, i have been lookin at old journals, poems, blog entries, etc. to kinda see if i really wanna 'go there.
i think i can, and will get a start on it-- soon. i kind of have. mainly just jotting notes-- next to notes-- and editing some poems, etc. even writing a couple new ones.

so. anyhow-- sorry -- got off track a bit-- but , i know that doesn't surprise you.

anyhow- yeh, like i said earlier- i was startin to get tired-- finally, and actually, welcomingly-- i was ready to go lay down and hopefully grab a few hours of sleep.
so i looked over a few pages of these notes, and then i headed for bed. i had to make a lil pit stop on my way- if ya know what i mean.



when i got in the bathroom, i thought i might flippin die ! there were towels on the bathroom floor-- which really, wouldn't be a big deal-- except for the fact , that every last one of them, maybe 4 or 5--- were soaked..... i do mean soaked.... with pet urine. eevee is gone-- otherwise i woulda blamed her right off the bat-- there was soooo much pee, i couldn't believe it. from sushi- and two cats? how? mind you-- this was only done in maybe an hour or two. it was perfectly fine in there the last time i was in there.

but ya wanna know what really topped it off? aside from havin to pick up-- and touch all these towels, bathmats, and clothes-- soaked in smelly cat and dog pee???
the worst i think--- was when i had to clean up my own pee-- when -- yup-- you guessed it-- my fuckin toilet overflowed !!!! all the way overflowed!!!! i can only move so fast ya know. i do know how to turn the water off behind the toilet. i was 'old' when i got married. i had to do all the man stuff for many years. houses, cars, you name it-- it was my duty-- 9 times out of ten. and yes-- that included toilets. ugh.
anyhow--- i'm gonna be washin towels alll damn day tomorrow.
hubby picked a great time to go out of town.

oh, and do you think i had a plunger in MY bathroom? oh hell no-- of course not. where do ya think it was? yep-- up-the-fuckin-stairs. yippee. so up i go-- tired as hell, at 230 in the morning- to get the toilet plunger--- while my bathroom downstairs is flooded and soaked in pet urine soaked towels, mats and dirty laundry. ( which , at least by this time i had tossed into the bath-tub) gawd, it was the least i could do in my frantic attempt to not flood the house.



is anyone seeing the humor in this yet?
it really is ok if you are. cuz i did.
i think that's why it happened. and THANK God-- it was only pee.. all the way around.
you just can't tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor.
he knew i was on the verge of a flippin panic attack, and he was just tryin to lighten my load.
so- during my frenzy-- and bitch fit-- and yes-- i cussed-- more than once-- and even woke up my kid... she went back to sleep easily tho. it made me think of a few funnymoments-- that may not have been so funny at the time-- but they are now--

like the GET UP!!!! thing.
that was a horrible morning to top all horrible mornings. it involve gran gran-- and my sister-- and a night of drinking-- and a horrible wake up call, which involved an overflowing toilet-- and incessant demands for us to GET UP - uuuggghhhhh--- not a nice sound when you have a hangover-- a lingering drunk from the night before-- AND 'her ' voice "GET UP" over and over and over. OMG

then there was the time that my sis and i actually removed and replaced a toilet-and wax ring. for who else-- but the queen.. (gran gran) haha -- she's my mom in case you didn't know. but wow.
just wow.

she was worst than any drill Sargent who ever lived. or would that be 'better'?
you could never ever say i can't-- or i won't. she said jump-- you said how high.
and ya did your best to jump higher than she expected you to. always. and it was never good enough. for her.

i guess i could honestly say-- today-- that i gained a lot of strength from her.
i lost a lot of good that i should have had-- or should have now too-- but maybe it was a fair trade.
i think without her bein such a hard ass-- i wouldn't have half the fight i have in me now.

hell i don't know what to say anymore.
cept-- i fixed the toilet, all by myself. not a big deal for most, i know-- but if hubby was here? i woulda turned the water of of course-- but the kid woulda picked up the urine soaked towels-- and i would not have ventured up the stairs for the plunger-- nor would i have fixed the toilet.

well-- of course-- i most likely would have been asleep-- the animals wouldn't have been off kilter with stez and eevee gone and may not have pissed all over everything, and perhaps the entire situation would have been avoided-- who knows.

but-- aside from the fact that i am surely UP for the day? as messed up as it was-- at times... all in all? not a terrible day.

it could be if i let it be.
i'm just not gonnna let it go there.
tomorrow-- umm today is a new day.
(let's rejoice and be glad in it :))

that line always makes me smile-- maybe with a little sarcasm.. but it's true.

i know i'm gonna be one tiahd mamma today-- maybe i'll catch a nap after i take the kiddo to school-- she has an appointment this afternoon-- i sure don't wanna be fallin asleep drivin in rush hour.

i also need to let her drive today sometime. she got her permit last tuesday-- did i tell ya? she only missed 2 out of 30 questions. she rocks.

anyhow-- is anyone awake yet?
or still?
you know i am.

happy monday-
happy week-
laterz