on my merry ass way - NOT

but at least i don't have to drive.
soulman has today off, so i have a driver.. phew. i really wasn't looking forward to drivin again just yet.
but , i was sposed to go on friday-- even tho i was driving, i was too exhausted and in pain to go to one more doctor , after already having gone to two-- and being lost--so i didn't go.
so now we have to go to my regular doc this morning to have my blood checked. they need to check it a couple times a week to see how well/ or not well it is clotting. or whatever they call it. cuz if it gets too thick there is risk of another clot. so they want to keep an eye on it and adjust the blood thinner dose as needed. so ya-- that will be our first stop.
i just hope it goes quick, and we dont sit there for two hours just for a finger stick. ugh.



that's all they do-- it takes maybe five minutes-- yet we have spent an hour waiting before. it soooo pisses me off- the waiting. my mother has ruined me in the waitin for anything department. i am punctual-- and hurried all the time -- i expect the rest of the world to be the same . dammit :))

next on our list?
due to my problem with
THIS

i have run into-
well, ok,
caused some other problems
at the real bank
:O

yup you guessed it-
ya know how i have been complainin of my laziness of having 3 bank accounts
- for like the last four or five years?
well.. you only had to listen to it for a couple years... but yes.. 3 active accounts. and really it has been nothing but a confusing mess.

well-- i finally made my fatal mistake at one of them.
we finally got busy a few weeks ago-
and canged all the direct deposits to go into our main bank.
yippee-- progress-- right?
ummm.. well... sorta.
what did we NOT do???
well.. uhhh....
kinda forgot to stop or change the auto-- WITHDRAWLs. :((
so guess what that means?
yup---
overdrawn !!!!



now we have to go fix that-- hopefully--
cuz i did pay that bill on the phone-
but the bank covered it too--
cuz i'm good- and don't "usually" bounce shit.

so yep-
we have to go close TWO bank accounts while we're out too.
i am not lookin forward to any of it.

but business is business.


but--
i am happy to report-
i woke up this morning,
and survived over an hour before reaching for the first pain med of the day
and even then i was able to drop from 2 to 1 -
my pain is lessening.
woo hoo!


so.
that's about it--
soulman is fixin ta nag-
he's been ready to go for over an hour.
oh look-
i spoke to soon... there he goes
and i'm still in me jammies.

better dress myself, and get this party started.

i'll try to get to the previous comments when i get back.
thanks y'all for comin by.
ahhhhlllll...be baaaack

but wait--

could someone tell me--

WTF, is
THIS-- ???

happy trails my friends---

and so it goes . . .

here i am.. with time and energy to actually post something... that wouldn't even be whining or cry-babying... and guess what???
i don't have a damn thing to say.



so-- sushi wants out, i need coffee, and gotta pee-- maybe somethin exciting will happen while i'm up?? ya think? lessee---


hmmm... nope. i forgot; this is my house. it's just not an exciting place to be. sorry.
sometimes stuff happens that might be worth writin about-- but i spose after bein locked away like freakin betty davis for a month-- (from.. "someone"-doesn't live here anymore" ??
it's just loses it's it's appeal.

hmmm, somehow that doesn't feel like the right word, but it's all i could come up with... out of, glimmer, shimmer, shine, glory or appeal.
don't you think it was the more suitable word?


so anyhow. soulman is makin pancakes for us. i don't usually like pancakes much, but for some reason i've been kinda hungry for them for a few days. maybe just cuz food is starting to get its flavor back-- and i just want something different. perhaps. i don't even remember the last time i had a pancake. i hope it tastes as good as i want it to.

ooh, big mistake thinkin bout food. y'all know me and food. our love affair ended quite some time ago-- but it's comin back. i'm stahvin!!!
not really. not so much. but everything looks so good. i just don't want to cook it. or especially clean up after it. or go out for it. soon tho. i've only been actually mobile for a day or two. i still look like hell, and not feelin 100 percent yet. in fact i'm feelin only like 13 percent..ok 40 percent. ya-- we'll say 40. but cookin, cleanin, drivin, goin, bein seen... not quite there yet.
but i am tryin. hopefully gettin there too.

when i do get there-- up and back to myself i mean... i hope i can actually do all i "plan" on doin.

my house is a shithole for one thing. and if you remember-- i was just startin to decorate when i got sick--or whatever. so i need to get back to work on the house. boy do i-- it's a whole lot more than just decorating now--- soulman tries--- thank god-- but really-- this place needs a good "spring cleaning".

i also need to actually get my ass to lunch with jlee-- four times i canceled lunch plans with her-- every week straight-- the first time was the day i woke up sick with bronchitis-- and the last was by text--the day i was admitted to the hospital. next time i might just call her from somewhere over there--- and tell her to -- come to so and so cuz here i am. :))
(think that would work out JLEE???) :))


and you know i wanna go fishin. me and soulman both do. he hasn't fished since before he broke his hand... and me, since before the lung thing. so yep-- we're both ready to fish-- at least mentally we are-- physically? could be another laurell and hardy show :))

i even want to shop! now y'all know that's crazy. but i do. i need some cold weather clothes-- and some friggin food in this place--AND a damn broom. yup i said broom. somehow, the broom is missing. and with all these animals? well not havin a broom is just NOT a good thing.
so-- i just need to shop. but i am not dreading it like i normally do. of course that attitude is subject to change at anytime-- :))

oh, and my landlady called me the other day. it was a bad pain day- and i was in bed and did not wanna talk. hubby was gone at work. she was asking if we were goin to renew our lease. umm well of course. cuz.."we got no place else ta go"--- and more importantly-- i'm a little bit too handicapped to be packin and movin right now--dontchya think? :))
BUT.. i just told her i would have soulman call her back-- but he hasn't--- yet-- so i guess i need to let her know we are staying... but i can't be lettin her see this house like this to sign the new lease-- and still really don't feel like meeting anywhere. ugh. hopefully a phone call will hold her off til i can get this place back in order. cuz to be honest-- if this was MY house-- i wouldn't let ME stay another year.. if i saw it like this. BAH!!!

welp-- there's more on my "when i feel better" list-- but my pancakes are gettin cold--- so--



i shall see y'all later

happy sunday!

howdy folks----
sorry i'm late gettin this up today. i meant to update it last night-- just didn't get around to it. that seems to be becoming a habit-- and a bad one-- i am sorry.




first of all
MARY-- this is your personal ScOULding-- why would i not read somethin you write here? don't even go there. i read everything people leave me... even sassy ole southern gals with flared feathahs :))

so anyhow-- here's the scoop-- so far-- hopefully this will answer any comments and questions etc-- from yesterday.

thanks to all who left advice , suggestions etc. ya know-- i had just asked soulman if he knew of a university hospital here and how it would work if i tried to seek "help" there. but like me-- he doesn't know how that works. but it has crossed my mind-- cuz i really would be a great lab rat for someone who wanted to learn about a lot of different "things" with one body. i'm a walking textbook, ya know.
just not with any answers.

but anyhow-- for now, i think i'm ok. i have shot a couple doctors off the fence post on this recent journey though-- and soul-hubby says i should also fire my GP doc. i haven't been very happy with her all along anyhow, and actually did fire her once before--but my replacement moved away so i ended up goin back to her--- i don't like change-- just in case y'all haven't noticed. :))
i'm not certain how she pissed him off-- but she sure has shown me what an inconsiderate, condescending, unconcerned, asshat--she can be.
sooooo--- she is next--- right along with my endo doc-- who is also--- uninformed, uneducated, and noncaring of the patient.

and-- just in case i never posted it-or as a reminder-- i fired my gastro dr a few weeks ago.

see why i need a dr House?

neuro
gp
gastro
endo

i can't even keep track anymore--- but all have been replaced once already-- now i'm on my search for a new line of defense :))
cept so far-- i think i shall keep the neuro doc i have--- til further notice. he is already a replacement. the one before him? ugh. hubby diagnosed my problem there-- the dr caused more harm than good. so he was gone after about 2 months. he nearly killed me-- for real.

ok so anyways-- lost track-- again--

back to yesterday:

i did manage to drive myself-- safely-- or at least without incident-- to and from the neuro doc--- who seemed-- i believe sincerely-- call me naive :)) -- concerned, both about the embolism and recovery-- plus my current-- and so far mystery pain.
he did-- thank the Lord-- refill my pain meds. same ones he always gives me-- i guess he was waiting to see me this last couple of days-- but i was gettin upset that i was in pain and almost out of meds. but that was no problem, once he saw me.
then he sent me for x-rays. like a series of 6 or 7 of em. that wasn't very fun. just so ya know.
and even with my GPS i had a hard time findin the damn place-- ugh. i should just give up driving. i don't deserve a license :))

well.. the tech girl was nice there-- and gentle too. most of those people don't care-- they just want to finish, so they don't care if they hurt you. she was nice, and when the pix were done i noseyd my way over there to look at one.
i know they (techs) can't answer questions or give you a diagnosis-- but i asked anyhow-- if she could see anything "wrong".
almost at the same time--- we noticed something similar to this--- and she pointed it out-- just as i said "that does not look good"

this is NOT MY xray

BUT, ya see that "scoop"?
on the upper arm there?
my xray had a "thing" similar to that.

now-- she of course isn't a radiologist-- and didn't tell me what she even thought it to be. but i have never seen anything like that before. of course, i have spent the first many hours of this morning searching google for what it might or could be--- and y'all don't even wanna know what i come up with. but the good news is--- the type and location of "my" pain.. isn't quite what or where it would be if it did happen to be this problem.
except for a "open humeral shaft fracture" which could also involve nerve damage--or pain.. maybe not permanent.

but... is that not odd??? a hole or scoop , dip-- whatever in your dang arm???

i did let her know to make a note that i do have "osteopenia"-- so, this could be simply bone deterioration??? who knows??? hopefully i will know SOON.
my follow up with neuro-- is on tuesday. for some reason i thought it was like a week away but it is tuesday about noonish. so i shall let y'all know if it is anything important. kinda looks important huh?

oh ya.. i wanted to say to AC--and SMOCHA TOO
tolerance is surely part of my prob with the meds-not only a build up tolerance-- but i just am that way-- with every kind of med-- even anti-d's---
- and with that goes the fear of OD, and not taking -- or getting what i prolly should.
and to AC-- you are correct. i have heard that before-- and also personal experience tells me--
"people in or with chronic pain, who take narcotics,--- rarely , if ever become addicted.... "
there are many reasons for that and one is-- like she said-- if it does anything..it merely relieves the pain.

so anyhow-- i spose this is as good as it gets for me right now. i am in pain.. but not not in bed. i actually watched some tv with hubby last night-- for the first time in weeks. i haven't cried, today-or yesterday from the pain. or at all actually. which is very good. in fact i actually laughed a little-- which is new-- for recent weeks.
food tasted good last night.
i bought a sling for my arm.. i didn't sleep all day-- hubby got me "tiger balm".. and says it like a " chinese sports announcer" :)) which makes me smile...

i don't know--- that's about all i can come up with for now.
looks like i'm gettin a bit better--- but may have some kind of broken arm--- or bone cancer --- BAH!!!! i hate google. :))

dr. google?

guess i'm done for now.
i'm gonna go eat my left-over chipotle , then i shall make some rounds. who i don't see now-- i will see later--

hope you all are havin happy days in your worlds today!

ooh it's a tourettes day ! i could cuss and cuss and cuss

and maybe i will.
i tried to post yesterday, but got nowhere. a couple pics but no words came.. then i just gave up.
i'm pushin three weeks bein trapped in this house.. useless, and in pain.

yesterday , soulkid missed the bus for school.. hubby was working, and i was in no condition to drive. i can't turn my head, i can't hardly move from the shoulders up at all. i have been down to my last few pain pills for the last few days, and watching them dwindle makes me afraid to take them. seems nobody wants to rx any more. i've always found it to be sooo much crap-- and i know several of you can relate-- the way the damn doctors would rather let a person hurt than give them meds. i will never understand that. i mean i do-- i know junkies have ruined it for people who really need meds. but dammit, this is ridiculous.

i have been calling my neuro doc for the last two days for refills-- for like 5 months or so-- he has had no problem refilling pain meds. he has lowered the dose and amount-- but still, i can pretty much count on him to keep me as pain free as possible--without either of us lookin too bad.
but, i don't know which he is more afraid of lately-- since the clot--- addiction, or just not knowing what exactly is wrong. but he will not refill my meds. i know he has called my doc, and got my hospital records, and i know he knows how many meds he-and other docs have given me over the last few weeks. what he DOESN'T know- is that i puked everythig up for 2-3 days- or the extent of pain i am in.

i'm not kiddin when i say this is the worst pain i have ever felt in my life-- my husband and daughter both have cried -right along with me---watching me hurt so damn bad, and be brought to tears myself thru this. and neither can actually do anything about it. but they do try.

soulman finally understands my frustration i have been in all these years trying to get a dr who is not afraid of pain rx's. he hates to see me like this. he is as angry as i have ever been at ALL my docs i see now too. and he agrees that i am not drug seeking, nor do i get high off any of it.
(although i will admit, he too has been concerned at times-- but thru this-- he ses-- i just don't get stoned on it-- i'm lucky if it reduces the pain, much less gives me a feel good.)

i don't know what's up with this tolerance shit of mine-- but really-- motrin makes my hubbys "hair crawl" -- while even demerol, didn't gimmee a buzz-- or even touch the pain without taking 2-3 times the dose i was ordered. and even then it only brought it to a tolerable level. which i would pay at this moment illegally for--if only i were smart-- or dumb enough -- to know where to go for it.
i think anyone -- without a license would actually. i have even had a couploe offers-- but-- as y'all know-- all my peeps live in the puter--- and anyone else i may know-- well.. they just dont do that type of thing. or know where to get it.


i do have to drive today for the first time out of the hospital. before that actually. i really haven't driven much at all since the july seizure. none at all since the 18th or so. and i still wonder if the lack of oxygen had anything to do with those damned things. will anyone tell me? does anyone know? does anyone even friggin care? i just cannot fathom being a "doctor" and leaving anyone in such pain. it's ridiculous!

if i see the neuro today, (which only depends on my driving ability)- and he doesn't find anything-- or help me.. i will again go to the emergency room. it is truly my last resort. i hate the mere idea of sitting in an ER waiting room for hours-- or worse-- gettin "bad" news alone there. but something is going on with me. and it just cannot continue.

so-- IF i do end up admitted again.. soulman will let ya know-- and if anything else happens-- like an rx--or diagnosis..i will let ya know.

i told hubby last night-- how much i do not want to go to the hospital again-- but also i cannot remain in pain like this. he agrees. besides, it's not like i am of any damn use to anyone here anyhow, i can't do a damn thing. well except sit around and wait to clot again. and i can't help but to say it is a concern.. i am very limited as far as mobility goes. i try to get up and move around when i can-- put the dogs in and out-- walk around the house, etc. stuff to just be moving. but there's not a whole lot ya can do confined to home. remember i counted down days last time? that has now become like 19 to 20 days--? my gawd. it's awful.

i'm sorry, i really don't mean to be whining. maybe i'm just looking or waiting for someone to come across this page and tell me they have been here--and they KNOW what is wrong, and how to fix it-- cuz nobody else does.
a friend and i have been joking about how i need "House"-and his team.. to work on me-- i'd be healed in a week!

i have spent too much time on google again. and i swear it can be my worst enemy at times.
i look up swollen/enlarged thyroid with pain-- cancer comes up-- i look up neck pain with jaw and ear and thyroid swelling-plus frequent migraine- i find that hmmm perhaps its a clot headed to the brain. it is insane-- and should NOT be MY job to diagnose myself when i am sending out hundreds and thousands of dollars to find out wtf is wrong.

remember the guy from the band hanson? yes i should be embarrassed to admit i listen to them, but i like em. ok some of their stuff. but not long ago, the lead guy--and he's young..mid 20's if that-- he almost died from a clot in his arm.. same type of pain i am having now.arm, shoulder, neck etc. still, none of three or four docs i have seen for this shit seems to want to go further--they want to call me a drug seeker--and leave me in pain. and it sooo pisses me off.

yes, the amount of meds i have gone thru in a couple weeks is staggering-- but the thing is-- i really , honestly do not get high on it--and that is why i get so damn upset when i get treated like a damn junky. and get refused meds. instead i am left to cry in pain-- and not only that-- fear and shame-- of someone even thinkin such a thing.

but-- i will admit-- once again, i am an alcoholic-- (dry at this time)- and can't help but wonder if there's pain relief in a bottle of booze??? but then i realize-- not an option. dammit. it used to work on gunshot wounds, and even labor pains, back in the old days. surly i could get relief --at least physically-- that way. but obviously-- i have reached the point that the pain, and isolation etc, is affecting my friggin mind again. and it is just not right.

so-- i'm just pissed off and in pain today-- and soooo awfully afraid to drive today. but i have no choice. soulman has missed soooo much work due to me and soulkid and hospitals he is a blesed man to still have a job, otherwise he would drive me today. he always does or has when possible. just today-- it isn't possible.

i guess on the bright side-- there is no ice or snow on the road. maybe if i just stay on the far right lane and drive slow til i get there i wont have to turn my head or worry too much about a wreck. i spose we shall see.

if he doesn't help me with meds--or a diagnosis-- or better yet a cure or answers at neuro--- i have absolutely had it. i will be forced to do like yesterday-- for how-ever-long-- and remain knocked out on xanax and muscle relaxers. i slept the day away yesterday. it was all i could do. i was down to four pain pills-- this am, after a dose of two-- i have two left. i will need them for the drive to the dr. after that-- if he rx's nothing? i'll be living my life asleep. because i just cannot take this shit any-- f'n-- mo!!!

so anyhow--- i spose that's my whine, crybaby, rant for the moment. i wish i could be more positive. it's just so very hard to be in this situation. 80 percent of my stress would be less if i had less pain and someone to drive me to the doc today.
instead-- i am falling apart, thinkin the worst.. and just want it over.

so yep--- anyways-- that's all i got for now. and i'm sure you've heard enough anyhow.

i hope you all have good and happy days in your worlds today---
still thinkin of all of you lots-- just not gettin everywhere i want to in blogland lately.

if anybody's prayin.. you know me and my pal jamie -and her girl could use a few.
and i bet if i was gettin around more-- some more of my friends out there could use one too.--

so anways-- i am gone--as soul dad and soul kid are havin ww3 about chores undone.
and it makes me hurt--im gonna go hide in the shower.

bye bye.

my days runneth into each other

hi peeps---

looks like we have another humpday upon us. woohoo. ya right. the only thing exciting about that is that i finally figured out what day it is. they all seem the same anymore. they all just run right into each other. none are different. except that some nights i'm here alone for a while, and on some, one or both the other soul peeples are here. just depends.


today, on the other hand, i -- well, actually, we all---woke to a brand new prez. the first black--or to be more PC.. african american - president. in a way i'm concerned. i'm not prejudiced about it, but "it' has crossed my mind-- i wonder if the dumbass KKK, skinheads, or other really "against-a black president" people, are gonna cause problems. like huge problems. i really hope not. i'm talkin like riots, and big huge major scary issues. it's possible. and worrisome. (to me)

for me??? i didn't vote. i know. shame on me. i would have. i wanted to. but circumstances wouldn't allow me to. even if i would have tho-- i will admit i woulda gone the other way-- BUT i am not unhappy with the results-- i sorta expected it to go this way-- and personally i feel it is actually about time. it was bound to happen. i don't have a problem with it. a black president-- or a democrat. it was just time for both. really. i know it's my opinion. i know we all have one. i also know i should prolly not be discussing this topic so i will stop. don't be hatin. :))

back to days runnin together--- it's hard for them not to. i don't know what the hell is goin on. how long i been home. what day is what. or the date. it takes an actual calender or "date check" etc to get a clue . or asking someone.. what day is it -- whats goin on today--yesterday-- blah blah.. you get the gist. tough way to be goin , but i get by. well, sort of. it's kind of confusing actually.

the few things that surprise me are-- just how long i have been in pain. how many meds i have sucked down. how long i have been trapped in this house. how long i have spent on my ass or in bed. how long i have gone without talkin to my peoples. how much i actually WANT to get UP and OUT of this damn house! even how much i want to CLEAN, and be productive with this damn place. ERG!
wanna know how long i've been down, and in pain?
today is day 16 days! since the day i entered the emergency room. omg. i didn't even know that til just now..i looked at the calender and counted. that doesn't even count the couple of days i was down with pain before goin to the ER. ugh.

i still have a hard time believing that i was only hours from dying, and not even know it. so weird. weirder still is the damn pain. can't figure it out. just want it to stop. y'all know it has my mind going in 300 different directions. but i'm not gonna rush to the ER again. altho my hypochondriac mind has told me to ten times. main times being when the pain is out of damn control. like when i can't breathe, or i am brought to tears. which has been often actually.

like yesterday. my God. i thought i was ok...well as ok as i could be. the pain was tolerable at least. i got on the phone to pay a bill.. by the time i hung up ten minutes later i was crying , short of breath, and apologizing thru the pain. i had no idea it would be that way or i would not have attempted the call in the first place. the payment was completed, the poor girl on the phone was almost in tears with me,; wishing me a pain free rest of the day. i felt really foolish for calling in that situation. but i hadn't been talking prior to the call.. i was alone--and had no idea that just speaking could cause so much pain. ugh.
after i hung up, hubby showed up-- it was his lunch hour and he spent the whole thing picking up a pain patch from my dr, to bring it to me, and rush back to work, cuz i still cannot drive.
he slapped it on my neck/shoulder, made me soup--him a couple dogs on the run and rushed back to work. and i spent the rest of the day in bed--til hubby got back home around 6 and fixed dinner and got me hooked up with more meds. but omg. i wish i just knew where to go for help with this.
it has to be either endocrinological--or neuro related. i'm just not sure which. i just know i don't wanna spend another second with another doctor--- nor do i -- or can i continue to mask the problem with meds. i need to find out what the real problem is. something is causing this pain. what the hell IS it??? someone out there has to know, and do somethin about it.

the CT results merely showed a "swollen--or enlarged" thyroid gland. which to me.. leads me in the direction of endocrine related--or addisons disease related. glandular etc. but WTH? my endo doc is a idiot. i went to her in what i am almost sure was addisons crisis, unable to walk--literally- with extremely low BP-- and she did absolutely nuthin. ugh. refered me to ER. gee thanks. yes if i were rich, perhaps that might be an option.. but it wasn't because i am not. sooo. screw her.

which now, leads me to wonder.. could the pain be neuro related? cervical dystonia? did i snap my neck from falling so much that day? did i get picked up too much? too roughly? after falling that day? could i have fallen too hard, and not realized it? wtf? just what the fuck?

there is not one thing-- at least not one thing that went noticed on the CT that "should" cause this much pain. but i have all these damn doctors that should be able to find or tell me something-- anything. they are finally willing -- at least to this point -- to medicate me-- but i am tired of the medicine. i want to know WHAT the cause is. ya know. shit. shit shit shit.

i am afraid that now-- as in today, i am almost out of meds-- i still have no answers, i still have pain, albeit less-- thank god-- but --- what if today is the day that every dr. whimps out on giving me meds-- because there are no answers. and here i go left in all this pain-- still with no answers, and everyone tired of looking for them. ugh. can we just say screwed?

i'm sure y'all think i'm a junky by now--- right along with the docs-- but it just isn't that way. i almost wish i could be at this point/. get some enjoyment somewhere--sometime-- out of it ya know. all i am seeking at this point is to sleeep it away. and i do that without pain meds. i have other meds to put me out. i just fear another clot from being immobile-- so i am afraid to sleep too much,
i suck y'all.
i can't find relief.
physically or mentally.
and it sucks.
if i am in pain.. i am obviously physically and mentally fucked.
if i am not in pain--as temporary as it is.. i am usually alright-- thats the only time.. but then i fear to "do " too much . or something.
or worry to use too much meds or some shit.
when i do rest -- i worry i am too still..i should move more.
when i move-- i worry i will do to much,.
ugh ugh ugherg.
even when i get a chance to feel good enough to blog-- i get to feeling guilty if i dont hit all my pages-- cuz i dont know when i will--and i hate to miss anyone.
and i love to hear from yall, and when i do-- i feel bad if i cant answer everone--so when or if i cant i dont answer anyone--so i feel pressured.
its all so yucky.
just shoot me.
not really
just love me.
i'm tryin to get better.

i just wana go fishin before it gets cold.
i wana go out to eat.
i wana clean my house
i wanna cook somethinn really really yummy for my family.
i wanna hit and comment on every single one of yalls pages and comments here
i wanna drive my car
i wana wash my hair without hurtin myself
i wanna sleep all night long without waking hubby by moaning and cryin like a baby.
i wana get thru a day without a pain pill--or six.
i just wana be me

shit-- i thought i was a waste before-- look at me now- hell man; i cant even fix my own lunch or get to the store or take my kid to school or cook or clean or not a damnthing.
useless.
thisistruedisability
and it sucks

but it really makes me appreciate MY life-- i miss it.
i will not take it for granted when i get it back.

oh hell... i almost forgot-- you have ta go here!!! i found it on accident-- but trust me you will like what you see ::


----  or not -- 9-26-2011-- skimming through old random posts -- this link got hacked - i promise you - no one i associate with would have liked where it went - i was mortified !!!!!! 

i must pee now.

happy humpday

monday---right? / with pt 1 dok-duh update

there's just no way to make pain attractive. is there?
ya. i didn't think so.
therefore, the below pic is pretty close to what i see looking back at me in the mirror today.
beyond unkempt, or sadly self neglected. i look like shit-- and not even shitty enough for a silver platter. i passed that a day ago. i'm barely scrapin by to pass for shit on a shingle. for you non military folks--- that's not very attractive. kinda resembles vomit on toast. it actually doesn't taste too bad tho-- at the galley anyhow.



ok, ok.... we'll move forward. i went all weekend with pain and crappy pain meds. my own fault cuz i sawed thru the demerol too fast. not that it helped anyhow. but at the time the codeine was making me barf, and the pain was making me cry-- and barf. so i had to do somethin.. right?
so--- now it's monday-- nurse ratched is on duty-- along with-- "dr. omg i'm terrified to write a pain script." i will be goin in at 9 to be seen for more blood work and i hope hope hope-- help with the pain. even if just some piece of mind that the pain is "normal. " i have crappy pain meds.. bad thing is if they work at all it's only for an hour or two. and that just doesn't cut it.
i don't think it is. normal pain i mean.and i am worried about it. the pain i had at ER is no longer there-- pretty much anyhow--it hurts , but nuthin like it did before--and nuthin like my damn OPPOSITE neck and shoulder is hurtin now. or since. WTH peeps? why the other side ... it kills.

yep, she's scary-- but make her help me!!!!

she has to stick me to check my blood--- maybe she'll be kind and give me something that will work for pain and not get ralphed up in the process????

ugh...
i spose y'all have heard enough about puke and pain?
i know i have.
i reckon it's gettin time to go on to the dr. hell, which means i must cleanse myself. i look like a street person. ugh boy. really. i look baaaad.
i really wish i had a normal functioning bathtub! the glass shower gets a little scary after you've fallen over twenty times.

anyhow-- i hope you all have glorious days in your worlds today--
i'll pretend to.
and i shall let you know if anything positive comes from the doctah.
i bet i'll get no more than pissed off--- as usual.

Dok-Duh Update Pt 1 -
///////////////////////



well, the first, and hopefully worst part of the doctor day is ovah.
have i ever told you just how much i hate doctors? maybe not. cuz it just might be impossible to verbalize. ugh. but i do hate them. i hate them ... a lot.
so, we go in. get my blood checked. it's very "off".
less than a week a go-- it read 3.33 LOL.. OMG it sure did. haha
then, saturday-- it read 2.1 --
guess what it read this a.m. a while ago? 1.1

is it good? nope. only if i wanted fat healthy blood.
which i don't. not right now. i want skinny watery anorexic blood i guess.
but that isn't what i have.
doc don't know why it's changing so fast--
not real sure how to fix it--
well sure, raise the blood thinner med--
k-- hmmm... guessing game
this, to this, to this, then see me friday.
you can go now.
ummm.. hey lady-- i am in like really bad pain.
here--have some demerol.
actually, it didn't help much what else ya got.
go have an mri and see what they say.
wait-- are you serious.. i dont want an mri-- you dumbass. i want answers-- and-or--no to less pain.
well, leave with nothing at all then .
whhhaaaaaaaa????
NO -i'll take the shot.
i am in pain.
ok have a shot-
have a ct too-
no rx tho.
i know you are in pain, but that's too bad,
i don't make addicts.
(or somethin like that)
so, ok, i took the shot in the ass,
and went and had a ct.
do i know anything?
nothin more than i knew a few hours ago.
i'm still in pain.
i have meds that make me puke.
but i'm takin em anyhow.
and all the shot in the rear did was make me tired.
i'll let ya know if anyone decides to let me know if the ct says anything.
other than that--
i'm gonna eat somethin and go to sleep-
so til next time
g'day :)))

look y'all, i'm "Bodacious" ! :))

howdy folks--happy sunday-
i should have put this award up days ago. as you can see tho-- i , personally haven't posted a whole lot here since i been out of the hospital (sat) . i finally got my ass around blogland a little bit yesterday for once. i still am behind a few pages but i think i'm gettin there. sorry if i didn't make it yet-- i'll get to your place today.

Raine-- from "aftermath" has given me this award, and it's so cute!
she was the first one to call me on the phone as i left the hospital. and i do mean FIRST. i literally had just sat my butt in the car to leave the hospital when her call came in to check on me.
talk about psychic eh? so far, i think she's had the best-- and really it wasn't the greatest, even tho it was the best energy -wise---- conversation out of me since i got out. i was not much more than winded and in a bit of pain when she called. even though i had to cut the call short, by late that night, it was like i had made no progress at all.


so, i wanna thank Raine for the award, and for the call, and for thinkin of me, and for all that other mushy stuff.

and again, thanks to y'all too.

this gettin sick sure has a way of wakin a gal up i say.
for i was , if you hadn't noticed, having a pity party for all pity parties about the time i went down. and wouldn't ya know it? folks i don't even know-(i've seen ya-just haven't spoke to ya) - stopped in to drop hellos and check in. it really helps. or do i say has helped? i'll say both-- cuz y'all still check in, and it still helps :))

i want to say what a difference it has all made with everybody stoppin by and talkin, tellin jokes, sayin hi,--- sendin cards and flowers and stuff...(not to mention little sloths :)) -- because it really has -- made a difference i mean. as in making me want to get better, and back amongst the living.



but i did see myself totally give up by going back to , and staying in bed ALL DAY yesterday--

waking today-- much much too early i realized that layin in bed wallowing in my own pain is not how i am supposed to be living right now.
well, not that i have a whole lot of choice at the moment--- but if i'm gonna whine i should at least be upright while doing it, don't ya think?


i'm a person who really has had a lot of "second chances" in life , ya know. i mean, i shoulda died here-- had a close call there, scraped through a coupla car wrecks on my feet that i really shouldn't have. but i , for some reason, can't get this feeling to go away. not this time. not the-- God's not done with me yet" feeling. i just can't figure out what it is i'm sposed to do. ya know? i'm just a "disabled" ole mental cracker, who gets more limited physically by the year, if not by the month more-like this year. but i keep gettin back up. and i know--- i really know this-- that a couple of years ago-- like before i met yall and had this blog, and some of the relationships i do...that i would be one of the ones that just gave up and quit a long time ago.

i am way surprised i haven't taken that opportunity -- especially with this last little trip to the hospital. cuz really, it's beginning to seem, that each time my health takes a dip-- it is more serious than the last. i think i coulda let this one have me... "breathe this way-- don't breathe like that-- you'll collapse a lung..do this that or the other thing. i was coached through the pain just as if i were having a baby. so no matter how many times i have said it-- or only thought it--
i'm just not ready "to go" yet. so i reckon that rather than give up the fight to live-- it's time to live to give up the fight???? shut up-- it made sense in my head! :))


just a few weeks ago, i really thought i was cracking up--- kinda looks like it now too eh? ha!
but really, now i can contribute it to lack of oxygen to my brain. i still get confused and really try to talk as little as i have to. i really can make very little sense at times, and even the drs say it will take time. and i'm ok with that. beats bein as mental as i thought i was. i'll take dead brain cells any day! :)) they come back-- sometimes.


alright now-- speakin of which--the senility, i mean -- where the hell was i?

i guess i was just tryin to say-- that i thought i was out of fight, ready to lay in a ball of nuthing in the corner and give up. i was done. and i wanted anyone and anything around to help take me out--- a week ago. but wow. not today. not anymore. now i want to get UP. i want the pain to stop so i can get movin around and help my family and friends the way that y'all/they have helped me... even when i wasn't aware of it. and there's been 100 times i wasn't aware of it. and i am ashamed of myself for that.

is it making more sense now?
i hope so.
i don't guess a person can come that close to really dying, even if it is what they thought they wanted, to have it not happen.... again.... without wondering... ok, what next?

every other time in my life that i have said--- or avoided saying "what next"-- like it was something bad. and normally this would be too i guess. ya know.. "damn clot, what next?"
--- but it isn't that way this time, . it's more like .. ok...
"here i am.. what am i supposed to DO next?"
rather than what's gonna happen to me next.

hard to explain i guess, maybe thats why it is taking so long to try to just say it here. or maybe i'm just not the master of words that i would like to be.

when i was sick in New Mexico... 2005 ... when we thought i had cancer, and found the addisons disease etc... i thought my "purpose" then was to just get my kid the hell out of HELL> (NM)... ya know. i knew she didnt need to be there--i knew i didn't need to be there. so that was my focus. to get my family back here and get us healthy again.

well, we got here, and settled again, but the health seemed to worsen, my kids situation even worsened. men are resilient-- soulman can bounce around and be fine wherever he is i guess. but this time this crap even affected him. broken hand, beat down body, stress at heart attack level--- but he's holdin it all together. he always does when the shit hits the fan tho. and yep, i'm usually always surprised.

so i don't know-- it's NOT location. in a way it is. i really don't see how soulkid and i both can fall apart in the same state at the same time-- like NM, and now HERE too--and not be location.. i really do hate NM. but really-- i can't or shouldn't blame NM for this or these situations lately. otherwise i would have to blame texas too. and i can't blame texas. someone already wrote that song :))

i have tried to blame God-- but in the wrong way i think.
is it God??? oh you bet i think so. but not a punishment as i had thought. not intentionally bringing harm or unrest to my family or me.
i feel like it's a whole nuther lesson. funny that it's a lesson i thought i had learned already--- but it isn't. obviously. i don't even know how to really put it into words what "it" is. but it has nothin to do with "me". not in the way that i had thought.
i mean God doesn't do things TO us. it took me this long and this much to realize that. unfortunately. and some of these lessons recently--- aren't even mine. isn't that the weird part? my dealing with others "lessons", problems, pains, whatever ya wanna call them"--- have taught me things i have needed to know or deal with for years.
i have totally lost my mind peeps. i have no clue what i am trying to say . but like i said-- i can't keep a thought in line anymore -- but then again, when could i? (as angie so kindly pointed out) :))
somehow though--- i think y'all might finally be gettin it??? i think maybe i am.
at least i hope so. cuz it's not me who has changed at all really. it's y'all who have made me want to change. or maybe it's the ole "saying" -- "you made blind eyes see, now make seeing eyes blind."?

because now i think i see a lot of what i never saw before.
make sense?
maybe it does maybe it doesn't--

maybe i've had one too many pain pills...
or a little too little oxygen.
but life has taken a whole new meaning--
or i have taken a whole new expectation of such recently.
and i think i like what i see.
i really could do without the pain tho. yep -
it'd be nice for that to go away now.

but-- i have a confession to make--
i fell off the wagon... i told ya i was addicted.
weak and addicted. i almost was over the hump-- but smoked again. back at it for two days now (sorta.. 1 1/2 more like) . and i will admit i feel like an ass for it.
i know it was the addict in me who said it would take my mind off the pain-- and just like i knew--- it did/does NOT.
so , once i get passed (isn't there always a "but" or a "so"-- ? erg
when i can deal with the pain better without meds --and apparently cigs--- i'll give it another go. i was almost there. i could go hours without thinkin of a smoke. not now. call me dumbass.
but hey-- i can act like my kid and say "at least it's not drugs!". right? :))
the pills would be easy to like right now-- IF they actually DID anydamn thing. which they don't. well, aside from make me look like an ass online. but some seem to find amusement in that- on occasion. so we'll just roll with it eh?


i musta got lost (that song just ran thru my head---as i lost my place again.)

so i shall wind down... bet y'all are ready for that huh? talk soul--- shut up soul :))

whaddaya think about soulmans' song/video below?

"soulshine"?? :))

he snuck in here and did that ya know? i had never heard that song before. i kinda like it-- sorta like i like the big ole goof who cared enough to post it too.

which btw-- in case ya wanna see-- here's the lyrics for it---

Soulshine
When you cant find the light
That guides you through a cloudy day
When the stars aint shinin bright
And you fill like youve lost youre way
When the candle lights of home
Burn so very far away
Well you got to let your soul shine
Just like my daddy used to say
He used to say soul shine
Its better than sunshine
Its better than moonshine
Damn sure better than rain
Hey now people dont mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine till the break of day
I grew up thinkin that I had it made
Gonna make it on my own
But life can take the strongest man
And make him feel so alone
Now and then I feel a cold wind
Blowin through my achin bones
I think back to what my daddy said
He said Boy, in the darkness before the dawn
Let your soul shine
Its better than sunshine
Its better than moonshne
Damn sure better than rain
Yeah now people dont mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine till the break of day
Sometimes a man can feel this emptiness
Like a woman has robbed him of his very soul
A woman too, God knows, she can feel like this
And when your world seems cold
You got to let your spirit take control
Let your soul shine
Its better than sunshine
Its better than moonshne
Damn sure better than rain
Lord now people dont mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine till the break of day
Oh, its better than sunshine
Its better than moonshne
Damn sure better than rain
Yeah now people dont mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine till the break of day


c'mon ovah--
coffee's still warm !

Hello All

Hello All,

I just logged on here to see if Soul had updated yall on how she is doing.

I thought she had posted today but she is pretty worn down still.

Still in alot of pain also.

I see her improving and she has been eating well etc so that is good.

I also wanted to post a video of a song I found today while cruising itunes.

The song was originally done by a bluesy singer named Warren Haynes and has been covered by numerous singers and bands. My favorite covers are by the Allman Brothers and I think the best one is done by a band called Gov'ment Mule but the Gov'ment Mule videos are hard not very good quality.

I had never heard it but the title is what made me listen to it.

The name of the song is Soulshine and I listened to it because of the title. The words really make sense to me and it is true that Soulshine from my Soul is better than sunshine or just about anything I can imagine.

SO I am dedicating this song to Soul to let her know she is my Suulshine and I love her alot and I cant wait for her to get better so I can take her out.

Thanks yall for keeping her in your thoughts and prayers.

Soulman

hi everybody-- it's MEEEEEEE

i don't think i can write much at this time, but i did want to jump on real quick to say hello. you guys rock !!
i owe so many emails, phone calls, and thank yous, that i just don't think i will ever get caught up. just know that you have not gone unnoticed if i don't get back to you personally. i don't know exactly what the recovery time is sippposed to be for this kind of thing-- but it seems i had a setback of sorts, but i'm not sure. i got out of the hospitl saturday-- i think-- by sunday i was as bad as i waqs on day 1. yesterday i couldn't walk more than two feet without falling to the floor-- littlerally-- just melting into a heap of nuthing. poor soulman with his broken hand having to pick me up and carry me here or there. it was awful. and dealing with damn dr's was no fun at all for him either. on was way too far for himn to attempt to carry me... if i wasn't in pain he coulda slung me over his shoulder and been fine, but he couldn't do that. so he went up three floors, and they told him if i couldn't get up there-- to my endocrinologist-- that they would not see me. and there i was in what we thought was addisons crises. unable to walk, with bp of 60/40 !!! ugh. what a fiasco. he finally found a wheelchair and got me up there. what did she do??? not a fuckin thing. did she give me the shot of steroids--that we hand carried in there? nope. did she show or tell us how to do it--or even how much to take? since all the vial said was use as directed-- and it wasn't directed! not. she took my bp-- 60.40-- on one arm-- 70/50 other arm. odd, but it happened-- and she urgeed us to go to ER for IV fluids.
OH HELL NO !! poor hubby had been sittin his ass for hours a day in a hospital for weeks on end between me and soulkid. no way in hell was i gonna put hinm in an emergency room for another five seconds-- not to mention five hours
AND on a "day off". so , against his better judgement-- we stopped for waters and gatorade and soup etc, and came home. i still couldnt stand on my own feet but i just wasnt gonna put him thru any more suffering. oh-- he also bought a bp cuff (electronic) to monitor my bp from home. the more i drank and ate, the better the bp got, by this am, it was like 110/87 ish----and i can stand and walk on my own. so that is a plus.

so, we have survived another day here in soulland and are ready to face another.
i still haven't hit any blogs but i hope to--i have read ALL the comments here tho-- and i love you all -- you have made me smile so much, when i surely shoulda been crying half the time.

God only knows what kinda crazy stuff i may have said around these pages and in emails and stuff. i have seen some stuff i wrote on here and on texts and stuff, and my goshkness. i hope i don't ever have to be in that situation again. i still don't know what that medicine was called that they had me on in the hospital for the first few days, but i reallly hope i don't ever have to take that crap again. all i know is i heard the dr say that it was ten times stronger than morphine, and it started with a D--and it had a N, and a th in its name. most likely the generic name. i am more than positive it is a med that is used in combat. it works almost instantly. (intravenously). i want to say that it isn't a med that makes you high--- but it would be a lie. it did not make me feel anything like it is a drug that i would choose to sit around and use for "fun"... but good LAWD... that shit did make me hallucinate! and not in a good way. if there is such a thing.i don't think i have ever hallucinated in a good way. but i have hallucinated before.
examples?
my bed-- i mentioned it here--somewhere-- it was automatic somehow--and every so many minutes would move by itself--- reason being-- so an immobile patient wouldn't develop bed sores. BUT--- after a couple days of that?? it got freaky !! by the day i left? i was on the bed hubby in the chair next to me..and i tell ya-- every day i was there i got more bitchy--- so, i was mighty bitchy at that point.. and the bed "seemed to be moving" every two seconds. i kept kickin it and cussing etc -- so after--i don't know how long-- of this-- hubby finally says-- "WHAT - IS - WRONG???
i say--
i'm gonna shoot this fuckin bed if it doesn't stop moving !!!
he says-- brenda. it's NOT moving!
i immediately got off the bed and i
tnto a chair! ht was IT for me. i had seen ghostly "arms reach around and over the bed, the bed had rolled and moved and grinded for days, i heard shit-- i heard babies cry--- that -- thank god-- hubby actually heard too that last day --so the baby was real. i think.
then there was the goin to the theeater thing and seeing jamie etc that i wrote about here. WTH.??that is weird.
but yep--
that and the money issue--and hubby's time and effort-- is why i self treated yesterdays BP issue. i was not gonna go back to the hospital. and there was not only a possibility of five or six hours in ER for IV fluids-- but maybe even another couple days inpatient. and i just wasn't prepared for that.
i tell ya-- i been in mental hospitals that were better. perhaps being mobile makes the difference? i don't know. but this was no fun at all. none. no fun.i never want to go to another hospital ever again.

oh and, thanks for all the mac n cheese guys!

and yep-- i did get out of many many dish washings didn't i? lol..y'all are funny people

ok-- what else did y'all ask??

where'd it come from?
the docs say the blood clot most likely came from my leg, while i was laid up with the mono--- lack of movement for that five or six days, caused the clot-- possibly---then i guess over the next couple days as i got moving around , fixing up the office etc-- it dislodged the clot-- (this is when i began bitchin about some leg pain to some ppl)-- then came the side pain -- on sunday -- monday i had a neuro appt for botox injections for my back and neck pain. otherwise, hubby had been urging me to go to the dr for the pain on sunday. if not for the neuro appt on that next day, i would have died, because that was my excuse to not go to ER --and of course the money and time. i just told him i'm seein the neuro doc tomorrow, he'll tell me what to do. well he sure did. he walked in the room said hello to soulman, looked at me, and said, "what's wrong? go to ER right now". hmmm. ok. maybe i'll do that, because by that time, the pain was worsening literally ever five minutes.

how did they find it?

labs.

some kinda blood test (marker) -- who knew? right? not me. anyhow-- showed up in the blood work... so they did a cat scan.. and voila-- blood clot--- with "infarction"-- so it was like my lung had a heart attack.
ever heard the term "myocardial infarction" --- fancy word for heart attack with damage i spose. well the clot dislodged and hit the walll of the lung and killed that part.
will it come back? nope. dead and gone.

the size? fairly large... that is the phrase i heard. no size number in centimeters or mm etc, whatever. so not sure there. but i did read that the big ones are the ones that get ya. so i spose i got lucky. it really did make me re-think a lot. a whole lot a lot.

ummmm... what else?
oh-- yes meds-- blood thinners-- made the clot dissolve i guess. whatever word they used. made it break up and go through the vessel. wafarin/coumidin . i have to take it for like six months. maybe more. now i am a bleeder. i'm not looking forward to the next time i get hooked while fishing. just the tiny tiny needle they prick my finger with to check my blood makes me bleed for minutes. ugh.

this whole thing has me afraid of everydamn thing. afraid to walk/fall,/hit/cut my head, afraid to fish or cut anything, /myself, i'm even afraid to smoke! oh how i miss it. smoking i mean.
today is the hardest day yet without a smoke. i just really really want a cig. i smoked one or two my first day out.. day two maybe six or so... not a full one at one time, but by the end of day two i just could handle it. it hurt and i was nauseated and puking , it just wasn't worth it.
and even though the clot was not caused by smoking--- the healing will surely not come any faster by smoking. i have less lung already now-- i think i'll just keep what i have, and skip that kind of pain in the future. at least i hope so.

was there any other questions? i don't remember. just about the meds i think-- i didn't know they had a drug stronger than morphine either. haha who was it askin if i was gettin heroine?? LOL.. that cracked me up! nope-- i don't think i ever had that before-- well i KNOW i never had heroin, but the oxy contin.. don't think so on that either.
as for morphine or the other crap they had me on.. i wouldn't even want to try to dose that myself. i just can't see how people sit around and shoot that shit into theirself... for fun. it's just not fun. it's a miracle for pain.. someone was brilliant when they made it-- but for any other reason.. it's just freaky,.
so anyhow-- it's way controlled they don't just give it to people. maybe cancer patients- thru a nurse-- hospice or something-- but the average "soul" doesnt just randomly pick up an rx for morphine and stuff.
it's like pulling teeth to get damn codeine anyhow. i was shocked to even get the demerol--especially from this doc.

ok, im just runnin on now--

i got some awesome flowers from portia when i got home from the hosptal .they smell so nice and look so prett-eeeee. i haven't been able to take a picture tho--i wish i could have, they arent faring to well right now. they sure are nice tho. THANKS PORTIA

and yesterday--or the day before? (sorry, i have lost all concept of time and space)-- i got a gift from angie-- you won't believe what it was-- but i smiled like a fool for ten minutes-- a SLOTH!!! a stuffed sloth !!! it is the cutest damn thing i have ever seen!
THANKS ANGIE BABY!

if i can handle it i shall get pix up but don't count on it today --- unless i can get someone else to take em.

anyways.. this came out much longer than i expected-- sorry.
now i am exhausted. doesn't take much these days. i think im goin back to bed. i will try to get around later. i may have to visit yall a couple at a time-- but ill get around eventually
i sure hope yall are well and happy--unfortunately i already know that is not the case with some, and i am sorry for that, i wish i could help. im pretty useless in the helping out department right now.

Yo Yo Yo

Hey All,

Soulman reporting in again. I was instructed by Soul that her blog has top priority over looking up guitars and such on the internet.

So here I am giving you an update.

Took Soul in earlier today and her blood levels are good and she may not have to see another Doc until Friday.

She has been really weak today and can hardly walk. I think it is due to lack of nutrition and the trauma her body suffered.

I have her drinking Smart Water and Gatorade and eating Chicken Noodle sou[- and today will be the first day since she has been home she will have eaten more than one meal in a day.

She sends her love and may post later if she starts feeling better. Until then you are stuck with me and my lame attempts at humor.

Hope you all have a wonderful evening.

Regards

it really isn't cool as Dr. House makes it seem

hey you peeples !!!!!! (picture me runnin like a reel lopsided chunky kid with half her skirt tucked accidentally into the back of her underwear-- right --- towards-- YOU !!!!
scary aint it?


anyhow-- here i am... not for long tho-- i just wanted to jump on and say hello. i haven't had five seconds to spend on this thing since the hospital.

i have a brilliant husband , btw, just so you know.

he did some troubleshooting last night-- trying to figure out why i seemed to be doing somewhat better on discharge-- and then suddenly--BOOM!!!

ready to go back to the ER with pain again. the same body seering, tear inducing, whine and "i can't breathe let me kill myself " pain--- back with a vengeance. for hours, and hours, and hours, and hours, and hours. it was torture.

and i'd take pill after pill... then i'd get sick and puke.. it got to where i had to stop the pain meds and have none at all rather than risk the horribleness that is barfing into a bowl in front of my husband.
speaking of he who is so brilliant---
on his troubleshooting list was the only three things that has changed since leaving the hospital were... i had smoked a few cigs... couldn't be it... or could it?
i hadn't eaten.. but that alone wouldn't cause such awful pain?.. would it?
aha! says doctah soulman... the steroid shots !!! they stopped them. therefore-- low bp-- more pain-- etc-- etc etc....
wow. so i start slammin roids-- who cares if i expload--if it helps the pain..right..and the puking... and i eat.. and live.. and all that jazz...
40mg here.. 20 mg there...30mg here... i bet i took 150-200 mg between yesterday afternoon and today--- but it's helping.

so anways you all are the most kick ass people i know !!

i apologize for not bein able to get around i just haven't been able to. this really is the worst most horrible awful pain i have ever experienced in my life---- for real. the--- worst. worst than the last time i said that. yep-- this tops it all. and i have had lots of and different kinds of pain... this is trophy material.

ahh-- one more thing before i hang up on you, cuz yep-- i'm fixin ta fall out---

it aint nuthin like House, when you're goin through somethin like that...



and ya look in your hubbys face right after the doc says-- blood clot in your lung--pulmonary embolism . no lazer lights and cool zappy sounds.. no looks of you've done it dr.. you've saved the patient! it's not anything like that at all.

seeing the nurse and doc today at different times, and each being in awe that i had lived, really was a wake up call. hubby stopped for demerol and mac n cheese on the way home-- and i had him get some nicotine gum while he was at it.

unfortunately, it was the pain med that the damn pharmacy had run out of... rather that the nic gum, or the mac n cheese..or something else-- so now i have to decide if i dare risk vicodin again, and maybe puke-- or wait maybe as late as tomorrow for the demerol. damn what a pickle.

someone needs to come cook me some mac n cheese-- hubby was late for work and had to go. :((
i'm hungray.

any y'all.. i hope to run around and catch up tomorrow--

g'night folks--

Howdy

Howdy Yall,

Soul has not been able to get on here. She is in alot of pain and has not done well today. She is trying to feel better but she has some bad pain and nausea and she has not been able to eat all day.

I am trying to get some food down her but she has not been able to eat much at all. Her neck is sore and she can just not get comfortable.

I am hoping she starts feeling better soon. We have another Doc appointment tomorrow so maybe they can giver her something for the Nausea.

Maybe she will start feeling better soon. I will go read yalls comments to her to cheer her up.

The Doc said the pain may take several weeks to go away and it sure hurts to see her in pain.

Will try to post more tomorrow or hopefully she will.

Regards

Hey All... Soulman posting up again

Hey All,

Well I am glad to report our beloved Soul is home again. After a full day of BS at the hospital her Doc arrived to look her over and discharge her.

Got her home just a little past 4:30 PM.

She in now resting in bed. Glad to be home and out of there. We were joking how hospitals make you stay so unpleasant yu want to leave despite the pain etc. She was ready to get out of there.

She may post later if she has trouble sleeping but I imagine she will be posting tomorrow.

Again to all you really kept her cheered up while she was down. Please keep the kind thoughts and prayers coming as she will be in pain for awhile. We all really appreciate your support.

Regards

and now a word from our spon-soul :))

hey peoples !
it's me, how are y;all doin????
i miss you!!! i love to see you come by with your well wishes and good thoughts and prayers etc..
i just love and miss you. and it's great to see you come by to say hello and " stuff".




(oops-- before i go further-- i shall warn you-- i am on some heavy duty pain meds-- i do mean heavy duty intravenous-stronger than morphine.. straight to "i am dead watch me drool on myself - beyond stoned - but still can't sleep or see kinda stoned. and that makes typing, thinking, and, concentrating for blogging quite an issue. and if you think that's bad? you oughtta ask jamie and soulman and a couple others, just how fun it is to decipher a text from me. lol.) yep, just that much. if not worse.

but hell, if it keeps the pain down, i'll take it. my main concern now is they (the docs) - are talkin about discharging me today OR tomorrow-- the pulmonary (lung) doc says tomorrow. the reg doc said today. BUT the reg doc also said "when they get the pain under control"... well to be honest--- even the meds thay give me every three hours--- wear off sooner than that. and i know they won't send me home with it-- i really don't want them to. i don't know how to use that kind of stuff. i have never a needle in myself before-- except imitrex-- and you have accidental OD on imitrex. no tellin what one little mistake could do with this stuff. and ya can't puke it up if ya realize-- oh shit---i took too much. it would be more like oh bummer, doood.

ya, cuz even when ya (or a person) thinks like i been thinkin lately-- somethin like this stuff i been talkin about t00 and not talkin about, so right up in your face is really a wake up call. ya know? well hell-- i am gettin a feelin i'm gettin lost a little bit here-- i better move on to somethin else and come back to this prt lterl --- (see what i mean? what a mess...btw it should read : part later. grrrr.

see, silence really can be golden.. especially when it come to me. blahhhhhhhhhh.
well dammit- i want some coffee and you know i want a cigarette. that alone could put me into tears right this second . no shit. i am using a prescription by patch-- but they only give me one day---
could i have soulman bring me some-- yup. easily. would he-- yep-- especially if he didn't hear the dr say that the patch would bring my bp too high.. along with an entire new change of events.

so anyhow--- i just made the mistake of mistake of checkin out the theater-- or maybe i "dreamed it--- the clan was was there.. so i left and came to finish this.
i also saw jamie and am gonna go talk with her for a bit.

she's busy right now too, so will holler at me when she's done.

so. that's where i'm at. prisoner of pain and addiction. and at the mercy of a pack of nurse ratched's and dr jeckyls's.

someone better have some cigarettes and fire when he picks me up to bring me home-- whenever that may be...
and yall KNOW he is not a happy man that i "may" smoke. it is on my mind--and i porolly will. what can i say-- the devil has me in his grips.

but thats about it--for now-- i gotta go for now-- but i will try to get back later and let ya know if they catch and release or not!

happy days in your world peeps!

Hey All

Well,

Soul thought she could post some today bit was not up to it. So here is the daily Soulman report.

Soul is doing better today and actually spoke on the phone with Jaime.

She is breathing better and looks much better.

I read all the comments to her and she got some good chuckles out of yall.

Thanks again for all the kind thoughts you all really brightened her day.

She said to tell you she loves yall and she will post as soon as she can.

I will warn yall though when she is on the meds she can get slightly goofy haha.

Regards

Soulman

Hey All This is Soulman

Hey Yall,

This is Soulman letting you know about Soul. I think some of yall check Simonsays blog and saw her post about Soul.

I wanted to post an update as we spoke to the Doctor today.

First off like Jaimie said she has a blood clot in her right lung, Called a pulmonary embolism.

These things can kill you and I have heard some bad stories on them so of course we were both worried when the Docs told us. We spoke with the Doc more today and she said that normally the deadly ones are the ones that break loose are very large and can kill you almost instantly. Souls is serious but the Doctor does not believe it will progress further. In fact she said she is stable and doing well and that she can expect to recover. Even though painful she should be fine. They started her on bloos thinners and she will be on a steady dose of those for at least 6 months.

The pain is very very bad according to Soul. She described it in reference to child birth as far as pain goes and when the medicine wears off the pain is very very bad. Really hurts to see her suffer and also not be able to breathe well. She has not slept well either but hopefully she will tonight.

Soulkid and I are sitting with her right now and she is groggy and hopefully on her way to a good nights sleep. I will bring her laptop back to the hospital tomorrow morning and hope she will be able to post and update herself. If not I will do it for her.

Thanks for all the well wishes in her comments, we all appreciate yall. Soul loves each and every one of yall and it means alot to her to read the notes.

Thanks and see yall tomorrow.

Reagards,

The Soul Family

i need to change my name to MORON

no, really. i found my very very first baby picture. it proves it. too bad i didn't find it twenty years ago. then i might not have been in such a quarrel with myself all these years. you know, thinking that i only DO stupid thing sometimes. i would have known that sometimes i'm just smarter than i'm sposed to be. thennnnn, i coulda lived the way i was sposed to. in peace and bliss of stupidity. rather than being so down on myself for being a moron -- i would have just known that i was normal, and just being what i was sposed to be. a moron.
ugh. see what i mean. i wouldn't have to explain my "moron-ality" --- i could just BE my moron-ality.
and life would be good.

so. henceforth-----
i am moron
and here is the proof

you know you still love me.
even though it is a bit hard to admit at times.
i'm cool with that.

so anyhow... i have no clue what time i started this post-- but when i hit "post" it will me-us. but i do know it is 12:49 now. and i know at least a coupla hours have passed. i wasn't necessarily doing nothing... i just wasn't doing what i was sposed to be doing. know what i mean?
i had finally got all my bills-- late-and current, all in one place---and within arms reach even... with all intent to get busy and actually get them paid.




BUT, wouldn't ya know it? as soon, as i was about to sit my self down.. in a comfortable place to get started----- soulman decided that that moment would be a good time for a talk. so, of course, i put him first, and went in the living room to see what he needed to talk about.
it was quite the discussion. but -- all i will say about it is... from what he told me about the happenings of last night..and her 3 friends who were here-- 1 girl, her, and 2 boys. not only was i glad i missed it while i slept.. but things are changin around here. the girls woke up a while after i had heard about the evenings happenings-- and he called them out here-- i guess to kind of "apologize--but not--ya know? maybe more to explain himself, and just make sure that they understood and were ok with what happened.... ok-- like, him yelling at the boys and throwing them out at 1 am. ehem. (he knew they were here--- but thought they had left-- so there was a bit of deception, and that is what soulman was pissed about. but anyhow---- i swear to you-- two weeks ago--- they would STILL be screaming at each other... no apology--- no i was wrong --- from either side. and they would prolly not speak for days. i'm just so surprised at the understanding between them, and the peacefulness from both , this morning when they talked about it. it may sound like nothin to y'all --- but hey-- you don't live here-- so you don't really know-- what a difference a day makes. this one day at a time stuff might really be workin.
i'm still glad i missed it. :))

so. in other soul news----

not what i was gonna say-- but i just got up for coffee, and noticed my friggin 100.00 battery cord is fraying / separating at the computer end and that kinda shit really pisses me off. you'd think by now, the damn computer people woulda figured how to prevent that problem. this is a replacement cord already--- (for hubbys old laptop--that used to be mine-- that did the same damn thing.-- and i have heard of other people getting new cords for the same reason too. so wth??? figure it out laptop people. gawd. or, could it be perhaps, that they know it's a problem, and just don't want to fix it-- because it's a quick way to make 100 bucks off innocent laptop users. i bet that's it. yep. a conspiracy. they're all out to get me. i mean us.
i'm kiddin around. (with the paranoid part)
ok.. let's move on.


i had all kindsa dumb stuff i was gonna write about-- with some stupid stolen pics to go with it-- when i started this thing--- the first time. but i think i am gonna talk about something a little less assinine.

don't worry-- it's not anything mental, or terrible or anything like that. it's just a little something
that happened.. well, didn't really happen, but something, well.. lemmee just say it's about me and my kid..and it was yesterday.

ha. now i feel like "Rainman" .. soon as i wrote that.. i stopped for a couple minutes..and i just noticed, here i was just lookin around the room... duh. see what i mean? moron.

so anyhow y'all already know i canceled my day yesterday due to lack of sleep.

i'm not really afraid of clowns, but it seems like a good excuse-- for now. :))
but ya-- i slept yesterday all - the- way- away.
except for a little while a couple times... once before i even went to sleep-- and once to eat-- and another for somethin else-- other than that-- i slept the whole day--and night--and don't even know when i woke up today--- but as you can see-- i don't think it was long enough to repair my mind . i still can't focus.

so anyways--
back to what i was saying.... me and my child. talking. hubby worked late-- i guess. oh hell, maybe not-- cuz i was thinkin maybe she came home from school at 4-- but yesterday was saturday ! sooo--- she came home from her friends house. i remember now--- she called for a ride-- but i had taken a couple xanax-- cuz i was so tired i was stupid, and i still couldn't get to sleep. so i had to tell her i couldn't drive, and her dad wasn't home from the guitar show yet--- so she had the kids dad drive her home. now i got it. geesh. see-- sometimes i can put shit together if i have a minute. sometimes not.
so anyways. it was a little late in the afternoon, i hadn't been to sleep since thursday night. i was really really more out of it than i realized.. but she pointed it out a couple times.. she kept laughing at me, and i was being all serious-- or so i thought. she knew i took sleep meds-- but before yesterday she didn't know exactly what i took... until she asked "what are you on??"" LOL not in a bad way-- she was just talkin about how funny one of her friends mom gets after she takes her sleep meds, and wondered if it was the same.... it's not.
but anyhow--- let's move back to where we're sposed to be , shall we?

ok---- she came in.. and i called her into my room... i had something to give to her-- this "something" had been on my mind for many hours... only in a different way than i had ever thought of it in the few years that i have been holding it for her.

so---- as you can see--- alot like the way i write-- i am the same when i talk...sometimes... rather than just blurt something out, that has a history--- i go ahead and tell the history first--then go into my own little preamble-- before actually getting to the point---- sometimes, it turns out good. sometimes i get that "look", like it took you twenty minutes to say THAT?

but with her--- i think it could not have gone any better. even with me bein a little on the silly side may have been ok for the "setting".

but-- i won't make you endure much more of my preamble on this story. this time. i will try my best to keep it short--as i can. at least.

ok.. there we were --- what i was going to give her was a ring. one that up until the day before, i had never even realized had a very similar look to one that i have too. one that i have had for a very long time. the one that was for her--- also had meaning --- more-so, now, than ever before. and had also been in my family for many years.

when i told her "the story" of these rings--- it was not meant to be sad. but i could not get it out without crying. but they were "sentimental " tears. and she knew that. i confirmed it when we were done-- i wanted her to know that i wasn't sad, and i didn't want her to be. just that i love her-- and so do her other family members. just because she doesn't see them often, they do love her. kids don't know that. ya know. i grew up not seeing my relatives very often, and it really is a kinda outta sight outta mind thing when you're young. or a they hate me thing.
so-- that worked out well.

see? i'm babbling. i'm sorry. back to the rings.... once there were two-- then there was one-- then there was two again. and i didn't know it til the other day-- and i had to take some time to explain all these stories that kind of intertwined with each other. but-- like i said-- i'm trying--really--to keep this short with you--
so for you-- here is how the rings go--

1- my ring--- was exactly like ring 2... which belonged to my sister (Smocha). both these rings had been gifts..at the same time..to each of us... there was a very slight difference in the rings.. they were like twins. this was back in 1988- sometime. at that time in our lives-- diamonds and gold was something that neither of us really had. if it ever did belong to us, by that point in our lives-- it had been sold or lost in a pawn shop. we would never let those rings go tho. i guess in a way-- it was a sisterhood kinda thing. i don't know. so anyways... move ahead, several months. to march 1989. my infant son died. at his funeral, without much thought on my part, i took my ring off my finger, and i placed it inside his diaper. so a little part of me could be with him forever...ya know? i don't know. it's just how i am. i'm a sentimental fool.

2- so, ring 2.. yep. smochas ring. you know how she got it, and what it meant to her. and now with a story behind mine-- maybe it meant a little more. not sure, cuz we never really mentioned it.
but, my birthday was in april.. still is in fact.. but that april, a month after i buried my son-- with the ring twin. i had gone out for lunch with my mom and sister. after we had finished eating... then comes the cards n stuff. my sis, reached across the table with her hand in a loose fist-- as if to put something in my hand. when i put my hand out to take it---- she dropped her twin ring, into my hand.. saying... "now you both have one".
that is the point i began to cry yesterday with my kid, and wouldn't ya know-- there it is again.
i do forget a lot of stuff.. that is one moment in my life i will never forget. i really think that might be the most selfless thing that anyone has ever done for me in my life.

ok.. i'm goin on again.. so now let's go to

3- ring number 3. this ring had a story too. but i didn't know the whole story until recently. very very recently. it used to belong to my cousin. it was given to her by her parents, when she was like five years old. i can still remember her wearing it.
well. my cousin died several years ago. she was a beautiful girl too. just gorgeous. after her death, i didn't hear the full story behind how it happened. i heard it was accidental. since then i have pretty much left it at that. well. come to find out, she had struggled with addiction for a few years, until it finally took her life.
when i heard that. i understood fully why i hadn't heard the full story. but man. it sure hit close to home. ya know? my kid gettin a hold of somethin, or takin too much of somethin... every day i think of that, and it kills me over and over again.
so far, we're lucky. she's still with us, and she still hasn't used ... three weeks? but ya know.. i know the strength of addiction.. i've seen it and i've lived it. i've succeeded and i've failed with it.
people i love--in and out of my family have died from addiction. people can say that it's a choice, all they want to. but, i'm on the side that agree that it is a disease... how can it not be a disease, when so many in one family can be affected by it. ugh... i'm rambling. shut me up and let's get to the point shall we. dammit.

so-- here's how it went with my kid. i told her of her cousin. she knew as much as i did-- i told her the rest-- she was surprised and saddened.. and this was a cousin whom she'd never met. she would have liked her though. but... the reality i think hit her hard.

next, i reminded her of the ring. she knew i had it. but she'd only seen it once, and it's been so long ago--i really don't even think she remembered i had it.

after i gave her that ring. i put my ring in her hand... pointed out the similarities..and told her the story of ring #1.

i won't drag it out anymore. but she immediately put her cousins ring on her pinky finger-- and yep-- it fits!
and i put my "twin ring" on my finger.
and just so ya know-- the last time i wore that ring was in 1990. a whole nuther story. but it has had a long life in a jewelry box..after having replaced a diamond-- lost in a drunken idiot moment.

i told her-- there's nothing that will stop you from using if you want to use. but there is also no way that you can take another pill, and not see that ring, and remember how you may end up. it CAN happen to you.

and the rest i will leave where it is.

soulkid ring

the twin ring-
along with a wedding band -
smocha also gave me-
because my own falls off
and i have to wear it on a chain.
so i decided to wear it TOO
(SEE SMOCHA?
i do too love you!)

now. i really gotta pay my damn bills. the day is already gone. i'm hungry and there aint no food here. ugh.
we are goin to SAMS club tonight tho. we will finally have food to eat. we have supported the restaurant industry for at least the last 6 months, and it really has to stop.
even the poor dogs are out of food. they had rice for dinner last night.

someone come be my live in aide for a while and help me get out of this mess i'm in. i will pay well. :))

hope you all have happy days in your worlds today !
i might--if i get busy and actually pay my bills.