well y'all, you know i'm not the luckiest person in the world. that proved itself once again last night in the hail storm. i didn't even bother to look at the house/roof/etc yet-- we rent, and i really don't care. but, i did go check out my car this morning. soulman was leaving for work just as i was getting up-- he said both cars were damaged. lovely. just friggin peachy. my main concern was the glass-- i have to drive to wonderful dallas today-- y'all know i love that-- imagin it with a cracked or broken windshield. ugh. instant headache ..instant heartburn.
i had to have some coffee before i surveyed the damage.. but when i did-- i was upset-- but at the same time a bit relieved that it wasn't worse. it sure coulda been. anyhow you saw some pix-- now here's a lil video to cheer you---
afterall-- you could be ME. :))
happy -- whatever the hell day it is--
ps-- i lost my video :))
oh-- there it is-- they don't call me bren-duh for nuthin
we took sushi to see her mommy. they were both so happy to see each other.
first, we of course had to go eat- we went to pei wei, good stuff.
THEN, we went to a park... and let soulkid walk around with sushi. we were all surprised that sushi wasn't an idiot. she did real good for not normally being walked- or out around people and other animals like that. i think she was just too thrilled to see her mom, that she didn't notice.
aren't they sweet?
time goes so fast when we have her out on a pass- it's only three hours, and there's not much you can do in that time.
so after we took her back, we went to a different park..and of course had to try our luck at fishin!
THAT is a big ole bass- much bigger than he looks here. it made soulman happy--obviously-- and of course he was the man of the hour-- everybody stopped what they were doing- to see his fishy.
as for me... i didn't even get a bite. poor me. i'm next tho.
we were just happy that the weather turned and got pretty nice. i think it did actually make it to 70- woo hoo.
as for today?
i'm friggin tired. that would be as in T-I-A-H-D!
i actually slept again last night--roughly, but it was sleep. i woke up around 3 somethin, did my mornin stuff- and couldn't stay awake. i kept trying to post here, but i kept fallin asleep. finally i quit fightin it , and just took a nap.
then i had a short yahoo chat with a - pal - o - mine. and fell back to sleep when we were done! gosh i feel lazy today.
i have group in a while-- and my damn clothes won't dry! it's not like i have any that fit anymore-- so they are all in the dryer. oh yippee. i hope they dry in time.
i have a busy week ahead-- but the one good thing? ya wanna know? soulkid comes home on wednesday !!!!! it's almost strange, but i am very proud of her. she has worked so hard there . she has everything all planned out. she's gonna go back to school. she knows who she will hang with and who she won't. and she's already told most of them... the users-- that she is done with them. she has realized they weren't friends, and she doesn';t need or want them. i think she's gonna be just fine. (it's me i worry about LOL)
this year was "supposed" to be a good one..better than last-- so far-- it hasn't been very kind--- but i spose that's subject to change. we shall see.
anyhow-- i must check my dang clothes again. i'll be goin to group nekkid if they don't dry-- and that would NOT be a pretty sight.
thirty two degrees right now outside. whaddabunchacrap! i want to go fishin -- i wanna be normal, i wanna go out to lunch"... :))
ok enough whining--at least for this second, i'm sure i'll have more later. but y'all know-- i can't be freezin and not bitch . it's just not sposed to get this cold in friggin texas. WTH?
so-- i can't fish today--or yesterday--- what will i do?? one thing is--today we get to see soulkid -- on a pass-- away from rehab. those visits usually do go best. for some reason, she's a little brat attack at the rehab. especially to me. i may have finally figured that part out-- maybe. my guess--- she is uncomfortable there with us, maybe because she is just embarrassed of us seeing her there--seeing the other kids.. the whole thing. kinda like she's feeling judged maybe.
maybe like i feel sometimes at mental hospitals when i have a visitor. seems no matter how much i want to see someone-- i don't want them to see ME. (there). or the other patients. it does feel judgmental. it feels like you are not much different than the other patients-- but a visitor will make a comment or give a look to one of them -- and it's easy to take personal. maybe like -- if you think they are so messed up-- you surely must feel the same about me.
so anyhow-- i better change that subject . just thinkin i see a trend there. nobody wants to be locked up-- and/or compared to someone else like that. and it happens. but they are "our" peers. of course some are worse off than others, sometimes visibly so, and we do feel defensive about them , and ourselves, and the whole situation. we know things about these folks--that our family and friends will never know--or understand. it makes it tough. we feel defensive of them, as if they were us. because in a way-- they are.
but anyhooo--- yes we will see the child today--away from rehab-- in freezing temps-- we were hoping to bring her little dog sushi along and hang at a park somewhere. she misses her. but it's too cold to be anywhere outside today. looks like a mall, and food-- again. dammit. neither are my favorite place to go on a pass. or at all anymore . i want my kid home. ugh. i just want my life back-- whatever it was... it was better than this. better than lately.
how did i get here, to this place in my life? it seems so surreal. like a dream. like it just can't be me--or my life. i just go through the steps, seemingly in slow motion.
it's unbelievable at times. but it's real. it's me. it's them. it's my reality. it's my life. a life that i don't know how to handle at the moment.
even the dogs have cracked up. eevee still hasn't seen a vet for her "lump". and sushi -- well.. she's just sushi-- but worse. she misses , and looks for soulkid all the time. it's sad actually.
i hear a train..perhaps i should just go stand by it and scream til i can't scream anymore? this life of mine is becoming a movie i think. i've lost all sense of time and direction---and self---and family. i just kinda float around and do what i think i'm sposed to do. but nothing changes. or so it seems. perhaps everything is changing--and that is the problem?
and no. i'm not blind to other peoples problems in their lives. i know i'm not the only one with any one , or many, of the things happening in someone elses life. but i will admit-- it does feel like it - often. and i'm sure i'm not the only one who feels like "it's just me", sometimes. we all get to a place like this --or similar. we all feel unique . we all feel alone at times. like that " standing in a room full of people and still feeling alone . " syndrome.
i'd rather be alone-- than feel alone, i think. feelings kick my ass. as do my thoughts. i need a vacation from my self. just when i think i've got it together --it all falls apart again. almost like finishing a huge puzzle--then ya go to move it and it falls to the floor in 1000 pieces again. what do ya do? you either pick it up and put it together again.. or slap it all back in the box and ignore it. i think i do both... i'll pick it up and get it half way done again-- just to leave it on the table---as if someone else will finish it for me.---- knowing it won't happen that way. or , back in the box it goes-- until i find a piece that got forgotten on the floor, and it all comes back. the way it looked whole--the way it looked scattered on the floor. and i wonder-- how do i fix this? can i fix it? or is this just the way it is? pass the "gorilla glue" !
isn't that the definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over--anticipating different results? hmmmm. points to ponder.
and another thing----
nahhh i'm just kiddin. no other thing.
i guess i'm just feelin a bit sorry for myself. not without reason. but still. it's not the way i want to live-- or be,. i want to be an example to people. i just don't know how to do that. seems the older i get, the weaker i get. and that is very hard for me.
i need to clean out my closets--dismantle the skeletons, and get rid of them. i need to face my demons, and beat their ass. i need to rise above the ashes as the Phoenix, and be stronger than my problems. be they physical, spiritual, mental, real, or perceived. i need to let go of my past and move on into the future that awaits me. and not by over-eating, not sleeping, or hiding from life, isolating, or self destructing.
i am supposed to be an example of what God can do. i am a miracle . we all are. my now sober daughter. my now getting healthy husband. my friends out there who pray for others and not only themselves. we are all the same with different stories. all heading in one direction. to better ourselves--to help people unselfishly, asking nothing in return. to be humble, responsible, and respected as who we are. no matter where we came from. (silver spoon- or tin can lid in our mouth).
we have all come together for a reason. not to be lonely. not to hold on to what is gone. but to be there for each other. we all have so much in common, it is scary sometimes. how many of us finish the sentences of others? or say something one second before they say the same thing. how many of us have lived similar lives with similar problems. so why do i find it so hard to live in that frame of mind? and kn ow that i am not alone---or unique.
why can i never live what i know--- and only live what i think i know. my life is run by feelings and bad memories. i am spiritually damaged. i am conceited, yet damned. how does that happen??? a person can't and shouldn't be both. it's not possible. but somehow -i do. i find it my normal way of life.
i do believe that i am unselfish-- i give til it hurts, expecting nothing in return... in the next breath-- i am resentful that i get nothing in return. i rebel. i stop giving, talking, caring. i recoil from my loved one as if they were a hot flame. i love real, and i love deep. i love people that have have hurt and deserted me.... sometimes years after the last time i had seen or spoken to them. but that's me. i will try to be who i am supposed to be until i die. but that doesn't erase the fact that i am no better than anyone else. i have hurt and deserted those i love too. self preservation maybe. but what's to say that isn't the reason they did what they did to me.
i even betray myself. my everything. i have forgotten how to live, how to be myself--even who i am, or want to be. i have forgotten how to be true to myself. perhaps i am selfish. perhaps i try to find myself through others--and when i am let down, i am just let down that --"they didn't complete me." but , dammit-- it's not their responsibility to save me.
i am lost--and cannot find myself. i'm not the wife i once was, not the mother i once was, not the friend i once was. where did that woman go. will she ever return. and how will that happen? or am i doomed to who i have become. a stranger to myself and others.
that's it outta me. i am nothin but a ramblin fool today.
i did however get a very full night sleep last night. and ya know what? a dear friend of mine chose ME to talk to during a crisis and broken heart last night. so maybe i'm not such a waste afterall. i just have some work to do. maybe.
anyhow-- maybe i will update later about the soulkid visit. i hope it goes well. i hope the sun comes out and the wind doesn't blow. i hope we all keep our moods and attitudes in check.
and i hope you ALL have happy days in your worlds today... cuz you know -- i try.
i spose i shall hit my taxes again... someday i'll have em finished--and hopefully before the deadline. ugh.
ps-- no before and after pix like i was plannin on... but my showers now have tile !!!! woo hoo! 24 hours from now they will be grouted and finished. all for a mere 250.00. ugh. but my kid will no longer be allowed in my bedroom.. and that alone could save her little life. i'll post pix of the completed projects.
maybe i'll take pix today with the soul-fam too. depending on what we find to do with ourselves.
mornin folks-- well for those of you who are up-- which prolly isn't many at 6 on a saturday mornin. i actually got up at five but it took me that long to see. :)) man i felt rough. if any of you have gone this long without sleeping-- or at least sleeping a few hours a night--n you know what i mean. i did my morning ritual of lettin dogs out, makin coffee, findin some socks fo m mtried to download a song, and signin in to blogger. of course, it couldn't be that easy, not for me anyhow. noop. the dog barked, the c0ffee pot leaked, i couldn't find my slippers-so am wearing socks. i started to post-- and first couldn't think of what to write-- then when i started--- i fell asleep--now my coffee is cold= and i have to get UP for more. i don't wana. sooo anyhow--
daaaaamn, i'm tired. i just fell asleep- again.--or woke up, however ya wanna look at it. i'm just really havin a hard time with the sleep thing lately. ya know it pretty much started -- this time-- when soulkid went to rehab. i wonder now if her being gone-- and never callin us-- has something to do with it. separation anxiety?? she has always been glued to my hip- y'all know that. her being gone, and the worry of life when she comes home. yep, that would do it. don't ya think??
well.. that and the fact that we have a new gal in our group thing. she's about to have a baby -- any second. literally. she was having contractions in group yesterday--- and the night before . i was waitin for her to go into labor right there in group. ugh. me and pregnant women, and babies, -- just not my thing ya know. it's a "trigger" for me. i can usually avoid that. at least pregnant women. i can leave. babies? i can leave. group? i can't just up and leave. so wednesday and friday i was trapped in group with not only a very pregnant woman--- but also a pregnant woman who had lost a baby just less than a year before now. she got pregnant three months after her loss. she talked about things on wednesday-- the first day i met her. some things i felt i could help her with--- but the one thing that really pisses me off--- in a strange sort of way-- not an anger that i want to take it out on anyone.. just a anger at MY life. the way things go for ME.
when i lost my second son... i was still pregnant. i found out he was a boy--- then i found out he would most likely not survive-- due to multiple birth defects-- which included limbs, and internal organs. i was almost six months pregnant-- about 5 and a half. "we had to make a decision".. fast. before "it" would no longer be an option. the irony of it? the same thing happened to them. same day they found out it was a girl-- was the same day that they found out it wouldn't make it.
that isn't what makes me angry though. here's what does. i begged the doctors...and there were many by this time. i begged them, and my normal obgyn who would have delivered the baby... i begged everyone who would listen to me.... to induce labor-- he was big enough. he was developed...i would have a memory. i would have a face. i would be able to hold my son--- even though i was going to lose him. even tho he may have been stillborn, like hers. but it all would have been different,. i may have had closure. i would have had a body to bury. a place to go visit . so much would be different today. but they wouldn't do that for me, or for soulman. we would never look at our sons face. we would never have a special place to go talk to him. it was -- it is all so unnatural. a parent isn't supposed to lose their children. that is so backwards. it isn't sposed to happen that way. i know it happens to other people. a lot more than i ever realized until i talked about it on here . it happens a lot. but i have yet to hear someone tell my story. that's ok tho...i wouldn't wish it on anyone. i have not and may never recover from what happened in my situation.
but in hers, the gal in group. they induced her labor, she held her baby, her husband held the baby, they have pictures of their baby . they see her face whenever they want to. they have her ashes. they have the closure--- the ability to let her go.
not the guilt of having to go against their morals and do something tragic to the baby and the mom. not the lonliness and questions of no face for the name. for a while he didn't even have a name. or a face.
this couple will most likely be bringing home a baby boy this weekend. a baby that will close the chapter of their loss. there will be a baby in the nursery. the cries won't be imagined anymore. a baby to hold and to love and to teach, and to worry about.
and here i am , once again jealous--angry, sad. for me. not for them. i hope they are happy and the power of the sadness of losing the other baby fades and turns to joy. it canhappen. i have seen it--in other people. just not in myself.
someone else that many of us know and love went through this--and soon afterwards, she was ready to try again. she will have a baby soon. a boy. a healthy happy boy. i know she will be a good mom too. because she has a good mom. and it takes a good, strong, woman to do what these women have done.
people tell me i'm strong. no i'm not. i am avoidant. if strong is not talking about something. if strong is quitting-- by getting my tubes tied six weeks after such a thing. if strong is making my life in a way that i won't have to face situations-- such as babies..my own or someone elses. if strong is running from conflict-- looking away from baby billboards, anti abortion billboards and signs, having nightmares, being unable to stay sane or sober through "anniversary" dates of the baby-- and never letting go of a guilt that should not even be mine. then sure i'll take strong. but i'm not. i'm no where near strong. i may wear a mask of strong for the outside world to see---IF i face the outside world at all.
but strong , in this situation, is taking control. saying goodbye to who is gone, but keeping their memory alive--in a special way. strong is getting healthy and being willing to try again. to take those risks, and run all the way with it.
not hide. lie. deny. not be jealous or afraid, or angry. not feel betrayed by God. a God who saves sick babies who would have no life. or whos death --- or even life on machines -- may destroy that entire family with guilt and worry.
strong people, don't live a life like i do. strong people trust people, God and their families. strong people love without conviction. strong people love without worrying about perceived consequences of betrayal or loss.
i am not strong. i have survived loss like no one should but many do. i've lost children, parents, friends, and family. and it has all but paralyzed me.... it actually does paralyze me at times.
i am not strong, i am an angry, sad person. some days i just hide it well. of course some days are better than others. but not enough to say that i am anything but a scared person who cannot--or is not willing to live life like God intended. he took two children from me--- for a reason. unfortunately-- i am too closed off to hear that reason. i don't want to hear his reasoning, i don't even want him to apologize-- although i don't know how he would. maybe with grandbabies for me to love and spoil. but by then, i will be a cripple--or dead. how much will i be able to do with grandbabies--IF they come at the right time. (my kid is 15-- i dont want new babies just yet.)
anyways-- i had been just starting to sleep again at night--until wednesday when i met this pregnant girl, and heard her story. i haven't slept since---- until last night. and that was probably because i cried all damn day. strong? no. not me.
alive? surviving? sure. i'll take it. weak as a winter branch... sure -- i'll take that one.
there's two young women out there who will never forget the tragedy of their loss... but they had the strength to do it again, and they will be wonderful mothers, and women for it.
well, yall.. this post came from nowhere... so i'm shuttin up. it's prolly another i should just delete. but i wont-- cuz this is my page, and i won't delete anymore posts here-- for someone else.
i have to live for me. not the past-- not for what someone may think. or feel. this is a place for my own thoughts and feelings. and this is where they should stay.
happy satahday to you
my tile fairy is coming back to fix the shower walls today. yippee.
mornin peoples. i hope you are all sleeping right now. i'm obviously not. i thought i would be. and i prolly should be, but it loos like i'm up for the day. and oh lordy-- look at the time--- it's 3:33. not paranoid tho. "very supersticious"..lalala.
anyhow, i also woke up at 10 ish. then i think again around 1230 ish, then i woke up the last time around 3 something. that's when i deemed myself screwed, and just got up and made some coffee. headache anyways. coffee usually helps that. unless its a migraine. so, i'm hoping. it's one of those "creeper headaches".. that crawls up the back of your neck and into your head. ooowww. i can't like it!
i sat down here in my chair pretty early last night--for me anyhow. it was about 930 or so. i had just done some bills and business stuff-- that of course i was behind on. then i had to hit a few blogs. or at least try to. but i'm not even sure i made it to any. or maybe many. i guess i hit a couple. i know i tried--key word being tried--- to answer some comments here in the below post--- thinking i could get caught up at least here. then try for your places tomorrow. well, tomorrow being today now.
are you wondering if i got caught up? well of course you know it did not. not even close. i had a helluvatime just trying to answer my own comments! i managed to get through two posts==TWO. much less comment on anyone elses. and even then, i couldn't guess how many times i fell asleep typing, and had to correct the typo hell. ugh. i even have a sleep-email floatin around somewhere. i kept falling asleep writing it...and now it's gone. the thing was gibberish typo hell in a black hole.
it was bad, but ya gotta give me credit for tryin. i'll try again today too. to catch up i mean. it bothers me when i don''t answer you folks back. or make my rounds. i know how i feel when i don't get replied to-or visited. i hate to make any of y'all feel that way. i sure don't mean to. it's just life these days. sorry.
ya know? - i was busy before-- when i blogged as a career. i still managed to keep up. wth happened? perhaps it changed when i quit takin the laptop to bed for one. --for the most part i spose after i started burnin stuff, falling asleep smokin. everywhere. :+{. the bed , the carpet, my keyboard. ugh that has pretty much stopped though, - (at least the burnin of stuff. but it seems everything else here has too. stopped, i mean.
i try to be productive...and clean up around the house, and have a life, like fishing-or reading books, decorating, getting organized,runnin errands. i've even been attempting to do my taxes ---- for weeks. many times, i get sidetracked, and stare off into space, or go fishin, or if it's dark-- i'll sort papers or fishing tackle. stuff that doesn't really need done. just something distracting to DO.
then i'll try to post, and/or comment, etc. i just don't have it in me . i've lost my mo jo- not my mojo for y'all.. just in general. for anything that requires any type of thinking or creativity. i really am quite busy ; people just don't think so. shit, i open my calendar--and i get overwhelmed just lookin at all the writing and highlighted upcoming "stuff". for me to add a to do list to the scheduled appointments, meetings , soulkid visits , bills, taxes, etc... then "try to" - grocery shop and clean and cook--- and blog --- and sleep- and have a life--daily, or at least close to it? fughetaboutit. --- it's almost simply undoable. it IS undoable. at least for the passed many months. or so it seems.
there's no one to blame. if it's not my health, or schedule, it's someone else here's health or schedule. if it's not someone here-- it's something else coming up outta no where. saa like a seizure, or a blood clot, or a psyche admit, or being too braindead from lack of sleep to attempt to be seen or interact in public. it just aint happenin.
soulman has been cooking for quite some time. seems i gave that up a year ago! i even broke down and finally bought a couple bar stools---- my plan was that i might be able to sit on one and cook... so that i wouldn't get so sore and weak standing in there cookin for half hour or an hour. . did it happen? not once. i have cooked a few times-- but easy stuff-- like " slam and cram"-= slam it into the oven and cram it in your mouth :))
but anyhow, we were going out to eat a lot...entirely too much in fact. if not every night, it was almost every night--- for way too long. we grew sick of it. it never takes long to get tired of outside food---or its prices-- and we just couldn't continue. not only had it begun to affect soulmans weight and energy level-- it actually attacked mine. it is sooo unhealthy. and expensive. and stupid. i never have understood how outside/restaurant food could be so much different -- meaning more fattening and unhealthy--- than food cooked at home. it tastes the same-- looks the same-- many times is cooked the same. what the hell is different??? why does a person gain weight-- eating even one meal a day out-- much less two or sometimes three? even hospital food hasn't stopped Me from exploding. think about my poor family. i'm sure my meds changing so often in the last few months hasn't helped me. med changes like that alone can pack on a quick fourty pounds for some people. then when ya add crap food, and lack of mobility.... well-- you're lookin at some MORE health issues.
i imagine one of the differences of home food vs. outside food- is theirs has to have extra "preservatives and crap etc" in it. wouldn't ya think? to keep it "fresh" longer. i mean right from the manufacturer-- even before the establishment has a chance to heighten its lack of quality.
salt alone is a preservative. so restaurants have higher sodium levels. they have to make money---so they buy the low quality meats and veggies--- like the train and truck wreck food scraped off the highway. and the cooks , and staff don't give a shit if ya gain five hundred pounds-- so they don't prepare it healthily-- like draining off fat-- or rinsing vegetables properly. or any number of things.
hell-- just think about all the nationwide e-coli, food poisoning, and other food re-calls there have been in the last couple of years. this is what "we" rely on to sustain our lives around here? and on top of that, we pay three times the amount we should for it. ridiculous.
sooooo-- soulman got fed up one day recently-- of course we still get a meal in a pinch out there if we have to-- but it isn't daily-- and surely not more than once in a day. anyhow-- he put his very large crocks clad foot down. :)) - and decided if he had to , he would cook meals, and wash dishes. if i didn't have the strength or gumption... he would muster it. cuz the shit had to stop.
he has been doin really well. he even went on a diet a week or two ago. as of a couple days ago? he has lost 7 and a half pounds in less than 2 weeks-- maybe even one week. it hasn't been long at all. it is thru a program/contest at his work.. The Biggest Loser competition. at weigh in the other day-- he had lost the most weight so far of the others. he was stoked. not just cuz he's happy or proud for losing weight--- he's just a very competitive guy. it's like he needs to win. he hates to lose. at anything. he is very serious about this too. he has cut out bread, sugar, and carbs. he even carb counts. i am proud of him. he could be sittin here continuing to self destruct--- kinda like me-- but he chose to do something healthy with his stress. he chose the right place to go with it. i don't know how long the competition is... but he has a helluva head start-- and i think he could continue on his own... if he chooses to when it's over.
plus---- if he loses the most weight? he wins some "cash money". not sure how much; it isn't a lot , but a nice chunka change. 100-200.00 maybe. can ya tell i'm just a little bit proud of him? he has been unhealthily overweight for years. this is really good for him. for all of us really. soul jr. and i have worried about him for a long time, health wise due to his weight. and with all the stress of this last couple years? he is at heart attack level. not good.
sooooo, how bout my "prayer chain links" out there toss up a few words to the Man... to keep motivating our soulman. eh?
and while your at it? my little girl needs some prayers too. mainly to lose her craving for drugs and alcohol... and get her life back on track while she's still young. like now. one more use could be her last. if she keeps goin -- she's gonna die.
she "accidentally" overdosed the weekend before i admitted her into rehab this last time. i had to take her to ER before rehab would admit her. i hadn't been so scared in a long time. i had NO idea that she was using so much that weekend. in fact--- i had no clue she was usin at all. my gut said she was... but my heart wouldn't listen. and she was steelin it from me. outta my LOCKED gun case--- she managed to break into it , and she had taken only God knows how many pills, of various types. i know of xanax, and ambien... on top of who knows what else? and i mean lots of it. she took so much i couldn't really even estimate. had to be at least 50 xanax, and maybe ten to twenty ambien... plus whatever else. all of that over only a couple of days.
ugh. i can't even talk about that anymore--- just please pray for my family's health and safety. with my own health being the way it is has been hard enough for us to deal with--- we cannot all just hang around and wait for one of us to be taken by what ails us. this family needs healing; with our health, and our family issues. and ya know? -- we need spiritual help too. it's hard to be close ---or have a strong faith in God-- who (seemingly) has put us here for the past many years. it's like he just sets us up and shoots us off the fence post time after time.
(but yes, i am aware-- as are y'all... that he pulls us through every time.) it's just that "this time"--i'm not feeling any stronger, and neither is soulman. usually, we get back up , brush ourselves off and move on down the road. sometimes feeling stronger for it--and or closer to each other, and to God. but it's all really a struggle this time. all the way around.
but-- enough of that. in fact-- enough of this--- i can't even see anymore--- that was a lot of writing, oops. sorry.
i hope you all have happy days with lots of blessings to you and yours!
i canceled my VA appointment this morning- cuz they said it was gonna rain all day. well, storm actually. i really needed to go. y'all know how cheap i am, and i am just sick of payin these pill bills. but, i canceled it anyhow, and it was too late to do anything about it when it never rained. so i rescheduled. no biggie.
i went fishin instead!!! i didn't have much time for fishing-- or so i thought. it was sposed to rain at any moment, but if all i got was a moment i was takin it! and i did. i was headin to my regular ole pond-- but somethin told me to give the creek a shot. and y;all know the fishin has been crap over there for over a year--since it flooded. well-- i figured i'd try somethin different. i threw a crankbait-- fire-tiger jointed thunderstick, to be exact. :)) on about my third cast--- look what i got--- :))
and there is no need to tell me that the fish looks better than me-- i already know that.
but isn't he pretty? i was on a hill kinda-- so i couldn't rinse him off-- i didn't even have a rag to wipe off the grass---
but look at this pic : (same fish) well.. only fish too, but that's alright.
he's a helluvalot bigger than he looks in the other pic huh? niiiice fish. and fun to catch. i LOVE bass fishing. you non fisher types just don't know what you're missin.
before i left i got hung up in some twigs on the bank as i was reelin in. when i went down to unhook it-- cuz they don't make these lures anymore-- i wasn't about to lose it..or break my rod yankin on it. so i go down there-- and LOOK what i found---
any idea what they are? well, of course they're eggs---- i mean what kind. mary? do you know?
at first i was like oh shit! snake eggs! yep , after the other day i have snakes on the brain. but i imagine they're too big for snake eggs huh? then i thought.. turtle??? i don't think so. then it occured to me.. i think they are duck eggs.. but i'm not sure. i thought ducks and chickens etc stayed with the eggs?? i don't know nuthin bout birthin no "wild" eggs.
anybody got any ideas?
have a closer look... there are feathers there.
also you can click on any of these pics to see better.
welp-- my back is killin me-- i was runnin around alllll day after that- i came home for a few minutes to change clothes- then i was out the whole rest of the day til 7 pm runnin errands, exchanging my bad urchases i mentioned. i even closed my last spare account. aren't y'all proud? we have only one bank now-- and it's pretty easy to manage online. phew--what a load off. i will never have three banks again!
anyhow-- i hope you all had good days and are having good nights too. i'm whooped and suppose i shall be goin to bed soon.
the weather is sposed to get bad in a little while so i cancelled my va appointment. no way am i drivin to dalas --and back--in the rain. these people can't drive when it's dry... so uh uh.
i cancelled my appointment-- and i wanna go fishin before it rains!
i have a million things to do here-- but i just can't get motivated.
i do have an appointment later with my kid. that's a little stressful-- her and her counselor actually. thats at 4. i'd have plenty of time to fish til it rains and go there. right? ok thanks.. fishin it is
y'all have happy days in your worlds i'll work on it here in mine.
well folks, i survived the hospital hell and road trip to dallas this morning. even with my soulman--or "the keeper" as AC decided to name him. (i like that BTW :)) BUT YEP EVEN WITH HIM TO DRIVE AND BE WITH ME FOR THE HELL JOURNEY--- IT WAS STILL HELL. AND HIS FIRST TASTE OF IT (OOH CAPS, sorry) anyways-- we got a late start anyhow-- my fault tryin to get all my crap together. which i shoulda done the night before---but did i? oh nooooo--- i am the great procrastinator you know.
so, whadays think happens? we hit gridlock about half way there. an accident on the highway. maybe it's a good and ironic thing that we left late-- we may have been in the wreck-- but it took over thirty minutes to go less than four miles. no shit. DFW ya know. gotta love it.
so, that little deal made us even later-- almost an hour late for my appointment time. i called to let them know we were late-- and by the time i was on hold for twenty minutes, we were almost there--so he said they would fit me in. oh yay, that could mean between then and 5 pm. i was tempted to just go home, but couldn't risk not getting an appointment for two months. so we forged onward.
in the remaining time i had a chance to give jlee a call. a text actually, but she called me right back. we're doue for another starbucks cawfee talk. looks like we have both been thru a lot lately. so yep-- we tried to get that planned, but being in the car made it tough, so we made tentative plans. hope it works out this time. seems her work, or my health has interfered with our last many "tentative plans" to get together. so, we'll see about the end of the week. wish us luck.
as for the doc-- he did see me-- unwillingly. he was running behind, and i was an hour late. ugh. all i wanted to do was switch my rx's to VA rather than pay my car payment out to meds every month. he was ok with a few-- but of course didn't hear--or understand when i told him i did NOT want to get meds on the outside. he thought i was trying to "double dip" on pain meds-- so he did NOT fill those. figures. as for the psyche meds-- the really expensive 80 here 80- there ones--- he sent me to mental health-- which was a total fiasco--- and now i have to go BACK tomorrow! at 9 am. spose i'll be sure to have my shit together and leave around 7 or so. they don't understand that i don't want to see their shrink-- i want to keep my own... i just want my meds from the va. wtf is so difficult there? with any of it. they are all just stupid. but i can't not go-- psyche meds alone run me over 200 a month. erg. it's sickening to try to be healthy :))
then i got to the pharmacy to pick up the other meds---- and ended up standing in line for 40 minutes!! i was about to faint by the time i got up there. then to be in pain, and not get pain meds i expected i'd have--- i was pissed. and i wasn't about to stay there one second longer trying to straighten it all out.
besides-- i had a pain rx ready , that i didn't pick up yesterday-at my own pharmacy. BUT when i went to get it-- they were closed! can we say--- it's cuz you're YOU.? it has to be. i was livid--not to mention in pain. ugh. somebody just kill me?
i'd almost just rather keep things as they are and stay the hell out of dallas. but then someone - a pharmacy out here-- screws up too. why pay for that= when i can get screwed for free? :))
so we went to lunch and came home. i am exhausted too. but if i sleep now -- i won't sleep tonight, and i aint drivin to dallas with no sleep. i've had enough sleep drivin lately to last a lifetime.
ahhh--- in other soul news? my neurologist called with the most recent MRI results. not devastating, but not withoout concern either. i have a bulging disc in my neck--c-spine actually. same thing kinda. and the shoulder pain seems to be tendonitis. yes. tendonitis. how the hell did I get tendonitis this bad?? and does it burn like it has been?? i never had it so i dont know. but this burning and other crap? it's fixin to make me hurt someone. anyone by the name of doctor. you know i'm kidding. don't be callin the cops or lockin me in a rubber room. but man it's frustrating. pain isa bitch..daily pain is worse, constant pain is a killer, and i think it's the root of all my problems right now. the not sleeping the bein a bitch, the lack of motivation, the depression, all of it. and well, besides all that crap? march 19 was the anniversary of my first sons death. that was just a few days ago. i don't think i mentioned it here. it's never an easy day-- and this was number 20. october 25th will/would be his 21st birthday. i expect it to be a shitty day. his 18th was a tough one. i imagine i will live tho--i've made it this far.
so anyhoo-- i gotta go get out of this desk chair. my back is on fiah.
guess where i'm going -- in like 15 minutes? oh ya... the VA hospital in dallas. you all know its my favorite place to be -- drive , go, ---omg-- it kills me to think about it- but at least i have hubby to drive me today. that will take a load off. i have to go--will update on my return. laterz all
how on earth could i sleep, after what happened to jitterbug?
just look at the poor girl !!
coulda been worse tho... after her shenanigans!
just look what happened to spot!!!
so anyways... i have an idea-- i know most of you are a bit past the age of movies like this - as we all are i think. but for those of us with tweens or teen daughters, we may have seen "the sisterhood of the traveling pants" yes? no? well... my idea is this; blame sleep deprivation if ya wanna - but i think it would be fun.
y'all know the ugly soul shirt, right? this one --
well, i been thinkin... ok not thinkin... it just crossed my mind a while ago when i saw the pic again. so i siad to myself-- hey self, wouldn't it be fun to do the ugly soul shirt, like the traveling pants? !
well, i think SO. not sure about y'all... but here's what i wanna do---
what if we mailed the shirt to everybody-- and they take a pic wearing it, and post it on their blog; so we can all hijack it? (the photo) i think it would be the coolest thing, in a collage frame--- us and all our peeps wearin the ugly soul shirt.
if anyone wants to do it-- just let me know. i'll send it to the first person, then they send it on to someone else on the list. whaddaya think?
prolly that i'm crazy--- but really-- even if it's a little small on ya-- like brad :)) wear it open over a t shirt.
it could be fun. and how many of us are just rollin around like pigs in FUN lately?
y'all willing?
i'll even spice it up a little--- the person who looks the stupidest in their photo
i did think i was gettin a second wind --but it musta just been a "fast repetitive tick." (F.R.T.) bwa hahahaha!!! i'm kidding. and i know most of you weren't here yet when i wrote that post-- so i guess it's only funny to me and my sleep deprived self. but that's alright. right? i've heard worse ya know. hell...i've said worse too.
so anyhow-- i bet most of you are sleepin. that's really where i should be. it sure is where i planned to be by now-- or til now-- or at all. but once again i didn't make it. i assume i everntually will though. i have to actually-- i have a lot of shit to do tomorrow and i do not wanna be sleep drivin again!
i don't know why, on nights like this--when i pass a certain time--like i spose 3 a.m without makin it to bed--or to sleep--it just seems like "why bother". ya know? alarm hell starts at 530 and every three miunutes after that for another thirty. it just drives me nuts,. so, i stay up-- or maybe doze off in the chair-- but y'all know-- that does no good for the ole back and neck.
i'm sittin here now though, thinkin... man, soulman is gonna be up soon, and here i sit---that's just dandy. i know he won't be able to not say anything about it. "mr nagathon". oh, i mean that in the most kind way. but he will come out here bitchin... "you were up all night weren't you??" and i'll just be like charlie brown when the teacher talks.. " mwa mwa mwa mwa". i can't get upset today, and i wont-- not over something i have no--;ok little control over.
well, ok... it isn't quite that bad around here, yet--- but when it gets to be-- who's gonna help me haul him to new mexico??? he has a big ole installed tool box in the back of the bubba mobile. :))
bwa hahaha!
y'all know i'm just kiddin. and sleep deprived. and mental. (certifiably so even.)
it just gets to me when every day---or every other day-- it's the same ole thing... did you sleep? you were up all night weren't you? you need to rest. OMG...yes i know. i don't plan it. and i don't like it. and really-- the worst part is upsetting those who care. well, that, and sleep driving. no fun at all.
oh hell, do i even know what i'm sayin? i think i had a direction when i started this--- but you know me... i have zero sense of direction... where's the vocabulary garmin? (GPS)
it would be nice if they had one of those for writing huh? blogs, poems, short stories, etc etc. just throw a couple words in it and it could suggest shit to ya. like a rhyming dictionary, a thesaurus, or even just a second veiwpoint. this of course would be for peeps like me who have no identity-- and rarely leaves the house,
holy shit , i'm gettin tired-- do i make coffee, or go to bed. decisions decisions. i've been drinkin "decafinated swill" for hours. GAG me. never again. so, hmmm... maybe i'll make coffee, and when i get back i'll tell ya somethin. ok?
ok--- well i am back. in fact, i have been back. i was adding clip art while the fresh coffee brewed. now i have a cup-- and shall continue with my half sleep blogging.
i don't guess i have too much else to say--- just that i'm gettin fat people! it's the med change. it has to be. i think i'm pushin over ten pounds now-- and none of my clothes fit anymore! it's awful. a few pounds would have been ok... but bustin outta my clothes-- (mostly pants and shorts)--that were loose to begin with? ugh. a nightmare i say.
WAKEUP!!! here i come-- nekkid and freezin. what a wild woman!
actually--the other day i went and bought some new clothes... it's just that i am no tryer oner. never have been. so now, sometime today i have to find the time to go to four stores and get my refunds and exchanges.
has anyone else noticed-- todays clolthes just suck ass? well they do.
so wish me luck on my exchanging excursion eh?
oh PS- did i mention that the tile fairy came out yesterday? ooooh lala
that there is called a coffin-couch. lemmee tell ya, at 2 a.m. i may as well have slept on that thing. it's been over an hour since i woke up, and i still feel like i got run over. TWICE!
yesterday was another rough one. one more night with NO sleep,makes the days get worse and worse. i did get a nap after i ran around and did some other stuff, but that wasn't til like 2 iin the afternoon i think. and after waking up behind the wheel of the car on my way home from the doctor-- half way on the wrong side of the road !!! i am surprised i didn't get pulled over. my gawd..it happened like four times. i didn't think i'd make it home.
at about 6 hubby woke me up .. so i woul be able to go back to bed later and not stay up all night again. my gawd that shit's gettin old. it's unnatural to not sleep for days at a time--and it is really beginning to affect me.
we had salad for dinner, and watched american idol. well.. i watched part of it. after i ate-- i had to lay down, so i moved to the couch to watch. within minutes i was fallin asleep-- but denying it when soulman would try to send me to bed. i really just wanted to spend time with him,,,, seems we've not seen each other in days-- and i never sleep--so what's wrong with that picture? so anyhow-- he'd say go to bed.. i'd bitch, "i'm watchin. i'm awake. leave me alone!".. i was a bitch, didn't mean to be, but it's not like i plan it when it happens anyhow. guess that part of me is inbred----i am my gran - gran. ha-- that would be my mother. she was mean too. and i am beginning to get mean... not the "sarcastic" bitch " i claim to be. i have crossed that thin line. i reckon blood clots and seizures, and drug addict kids, and xbox addicted hubbys and messy houses and too many shittin , peein, pukin , scratchin furniture animals, will do that to a person. i hear "this will pass"--- but ya know what i have learned? the shit does pass--- only to slow down in front of me like "a damn not knowin how to drive driver on a cell phone so i can run into it again".. ugh.
so anyhow- i wake up this morning, at 2 am. on the killer couch-- apparently , he did "leave me alone".....cuz i swear-- i feel like hell. from head to toe i hurt everywhere! i think i may sell that couch today. it is not a layin down on couch. in fact, i don't have a layin down on couch--and i want one! but it aint this one. this one damn near killed me. so it is outta heah... today if not sooner. money or not--i'll donate the son of a bitch, and buy one i can actually relax on. the theater seats were a big mistake. anyone want to buy em..cheap? or trade? i'm sick of em. but hey-- they're paid for. which is more than i can say for my bed. :O
sleepin all contorted on that thing left me feeling like hell swallowed me whole when i woke up. ooooohhhh the pain. even my hands and feet hurt---not to mention my head, back and legs-- and neck. ugh-- my neck. someone just kill me. but hey, i am slow at posting-- so since i started this post i have taken aleive , had 2 cups of coffee, and sat up in my soul chair--- for like 2 hours. so it's not quite so bad now-- but it's still bad. and aggetating. this body of mine. and couch.
i think i am learning to live with the pain. i do have a decent doc finally who understands and does prescribe pain meds-- but they really aren't enough, not in strength or numbers, but they help. and i appreciate that. even though i have begun hiding them..even with soulkid in rehab, i hide pills...and then cannot find them !!! like this morning. ugh. yes, that's why i took the no no alleive. cuz i forgot where i hid my pain meds. how stupid. i swear i'm losin my mind, and the forgetfulness is gettin so bad--- it is beginning to get me in trouble. i make promises, or say things-- then i don't remember it. then the end result is lettin someone down. sucks to be me. but oh well. time for an altzheimers test. cuz apparently-- i promised soulkid i would take her to austin-- for a "fun weekend"--- when did this happen??? i have NO recollection of it. but she and her dad do. so i guess i said it. i did plan on takin her on a trip-- but it wasn't to friggin austin. there is nuthin i want to do there. i would love to go tubin again-- but the water is too cold right now. so that's out. wtf? anyhow-- to cease an argument-- i agreed-- fine we'll go to austin. even tho i don't remember talkin about it-- and i don't wanna go. dammit.
i don't know why i worry right now-- i don't have any idea when she's gettin outta rehab anyways. by then maybe she will change her mind...or i will. or perhaps someone will forget about it. like me.
welp-- i think that's about all i got for now. except the mysterious underlining. always shows up when i seem to be frustrated about something.
what might that be, i wonder? hmmmm.
one thing that i'm pissed about is yesterday i went into a damned convenience store to pee and get somethin to drink... i bet i sneezed thirty times in that store. then on the way out i noticed i didnt have my phone. ugh. the cashier wanted me to fill out some form for a store card-- when i said no i have to go find my phone--- she said whats it look like? SNEEZE__SNEEZE---- it's in a black holster. she held it up-- SNEEZE..thank you! i haven't sneezed since-- but my nose is like a broken faucet. i've sprung a leak. it better be some new allergy to somethnin in that store-- cuz i do not wanna be sick right now.
anyways-- the second video--i was surprised it took the right song--- but when i redid it-- i had two songs and a whole lot more pix that did not go on it. how frustrating. makin those things can be a real bitch sometimes.
so-- do have happy days in your worlds today--- i'll get back to you on mine. maybe.
