zero dark three thirty three

Damn. I feel like hell.

Like me, and everything else got hit by a train. wth??

i hurt all over. i don't know what's up with that. runnin to fast to catch up maybe, and just not seeming to stay that way i guess. it seems one day i will be right where i want to be, with just one or two more things to do... and BOOM, i'm right back where i started. and i'll be damned if i know how i got there.

oh well. such is life.

i'm not complaining.. so much. really. just observing. so it's alright. it won't take much to get back on track. i hope. in all actuality, it usually doesn't anyhow. it depends my frame of mind i guess. how i take things, or what i do with what's goin on at the time. whether i decide to do anything about it, or wallow for a while. and we all know , i wallow sometimes .

usually times that the physical becomes emotional, or the emotional becomes physical. or whatever. maybe how much good comes with the bad-- or bad with the good -- you get the idea.

well , i think i am at one of those points in my life that i am just kinda standing where i see everything around me, and i think for once it may be pretty clear. by that, i mean that usually , my perception is pretty clouded in comparison to others around me. this time i'm thinkin, maybe , not so much.

this time i think i have a pretty good grasp on the real situation of what's goin on in my life. and, i think, i'm not too thrilled with what i see.

could i be off again? sure. definitely i could be. it's part of how my mind works. it's part of how i get myself in trouble a lot of times. it's a big part of why "i don't do people". why i don't sleep right. why i do or don't do a lot of things the way i should, or the way the majority of other folks do. it's all about perception. mine , vs. most. but that's the way it is, and that's the way it has been most of my life.

apparently i'm not making too much sense here. at least it doesn't feel much like it right now. maybe i'll get there, maybe i won't. who knows. who ever knows with me. i know i'm one who doesn't very often-- and this is my damned blog. i can only imagine what it would be like to be a reader.

several of you came along after i had either deleted a major portion of this blog-- or at least made it more difficult to go very far back into it. i did that because, i felt that i had too much of myself laid out here for just anyone to see. too much of my heart here to just look at , analyze, judge, and , leave. ya know.? or maybe to study. or at worse pity.

God knows i don't want anyones pity. or judgment. or hell,worry, for that matter.
i feel when i get to the point that my posts will evoke nothing but one or all of those from someone, i just can't hardly bring myself to even write hardly anything on here. then from there even cruising or commenting becomes a problem for me. then before i know it, i've disappeared for a while. by the time that happens, half of you have gotten busy with other things-- or have grown tired of my whining or neglect. and soulland is all but stagnant waters.

it's a strange place to be this blogland of ours. dontcha think?
people come and people go. our blog rolls grow and shrink on a sometimes monthly basis.
our real lives sometimes go from mundane and slow--- to faster than we can keep up with.
our family lives go from so happy we can't stand it-- to so miserable we can't write about it.
we sometimes get so brutally honest on here that we wish we could snatch every type written word right back from cyberspace-- but it's already been read, already been seen by our peeps, and some people we don't even "know".

then again, we have held back so much at times that our closest blog friends who sometimes care more about us than our own in - life peeps who would have said or done anything in the world for us didn't even know what was happening. yet we stayed silent, and somehow still find a way to feel bad about "feeling lonely with whatever it is we were dealing with". is it human? or is it stupid? or.. is it me?

so anyways, what the hell?

people come, people go. people speak , people don't. we elaborate to make ourselves more exciting sometimes. or we downplay to make ourselves ok, when we aren't. we speak when we shouldn't. we're silent, when we should scream .
we crawl under a rock when we should flap our arms and draw attention to ourselves.
cry for attention and overreact when we should just keep our mouths shut.

we watch our friends go through troubles and not know what to say so say nothing...
or they go through troubles, and would never make it through without the amazing things that we somehow with no explanation, think of saying at the exact moment they need it. or the prayers that we say for them in combination, become hundreds, only to become miracles in their lives.

sometimes i feel like i'm in kindergarten in this blog world. it really is the only world i know with "people in it". i have some very strong feelings for many of you. i know two of you face to face. three of course counting smocha. it seems so hard to even think of her as a blogger . strange. she's my sis ya know. but ya. anyhow. aside from y'all.. my world of human interaction is extremely limited. yet my world of human compassion is not superficial. just in case you haven't noticed.

i don't do people well, i don't do relationships well. i don't "juggle" several close relationships very well at the same time. i get very close to someone, and will often back off very quickly if i begin to feel vulnerable. if the other someone, doesn't confront me on it... i will oftentimes continue my retreat into my safety zone.

correct me if i'm wrong--- but i feel like this last go round with the med issues-- i crawled back into my little cave, and i found i found a safe distance form many of you that i was feeling quite close with. much of this had to do with the fact that only days before i went in for my "procedure".. i found out that my daughters' ex girl scout leader-- a mother of her friend of 6 years-- who i was once fairly close with.. but not for several years-- but i will admit-- i had quite the internal struggle with over calling, checking in on, etc-- which hasn't stopped, because i still haven't so much as emailed this woman... but anyhow-- she had a cancerous tumor removed from her stomach just days before i went in for my upper gi test. i was afraid to reach out to a woman i have "known" for nearly half my childs life-- one of the only people who i have trusted with my daughter for more than an overnight stay.. a woman whos daughter i treated like my own... when she was THAT ill-- and may still be.//// it was that much easier-- to back away from y'all. and i did.

not only that-- i backed away from my own family as well. how can a person be as "not well" as i was feeling. not know why.. find out someone had cancer-- and not think it possible for themself??? i did. i will admit, i still feel it's a possibility. i am not healthy. i know that much. i haven't been "healthy" for years. i feel i am doing better now. and maybe i am. i have gained like 8 pounds over the last three months. some people think that's good.. my "weight issue mind" thinks, not really. but maybe it's ok. i was lookin pretty puny . and for now, my clothes still fit.. so ya, maybe it's ok.
i also noticed, in the pic in a lower post-- my bday post-- soulkid "airbrushed out my black bags under my eyes! and it is sooo obvious. it kinda made me feel .. i don't know if "bad" is the word.. but i asked her about it-- she said she was sorry and it wasn't cuz she thought i was ugly-- but anyhow-- ya-- i am not the picture of health, and it was weird that she would do that.

so.. i have NO idea where i am trying to go with this post AT ALL. or what i'm trying to say. i kinda do-- but i just don;t think it's gettin there. i guess i maybe changed my mind along the way about letting too much out here. (this time). i think there are some things about me that a lot of you newer folks should know-- IF you haven't figured it out already. that maybe could help you understand me a little better. why i am so "wishy washy " sometimes. why i am "flaky" sometimes if that's what ya want to call it.

i just want you to know that if i seem a little "off" sometimes.. or quiet, or even angry some days for what may seem to be for "no obvious reason"... maybe there is a reason... (for me).
and maybe one day.. i'll feel a little more willing to re-open a few pages of "Soulmange".
or-- just maybe you'll have to buy the book one day. it's in me somewhere.

i think i shall get my fishin stuff ready... today is a good day to fish....

(remember the indian saying? "today is a good day to die?... well i think it should say FISH!)