thanks y'all - for bein you - and helpin me

how can 'brezz have a "SOL" fishin reel ?

THIS is what i look at and feel inspired by-
THIS is what makes me smile-
even when i feel like shit-

NOT THIS /l\
ever -
an abandoned shoe?
every time i see one on the side of the road?
i wonder where it's owner is-
where is the foot that belongs in it?
where is the other one?
there is supposed to be TWO!
there is nothing to make me smile about one footless, shoe.

THIS is what i feel about a footless lone shoe

but THIS is what lookin at

HIM (her) does to me

SO -- guess what folks ?

i'm goin back to "Soul Survivor"
and i want y'all to come with me.
it won't be the same without you.
I won't be the same without you.

to quote what Donna (TX) said in the comments:

"I loved Soul...Brezz has a Spirit...Which do YOU feel holds the Truth, for YOU? Then, follow that path!"

not to single any one of you out-- because every one of you said something special that touched my heart in its own special way. the way donna worded that-- and asked me to ask my 'soul' a question-- and answer it? that took some 'soul searchin' y'all. and i did find which of the two of Soul or Brezz holds the truth for ME. y'all already knew-- and i could feel it-- i could see it in the way i was writing, and feeling.

i have to be 'soul'.
i feel Soul.

y'all don't even know who Brezz is.
and i don't either.

THIS is who i am-

I am SOUL

LET'S ROLL FOLKS !

Soul Survivor

i had a really cool idea for the photo challenge -

BUT ---

well, y'all know , nothing ever goes as planned around here. i could explain some things -- but it would just sound like whining. so i'll just say i haven't had the opportunity to take pictures. at least not the ones i planned on for the challenge.

i wanna ask y'all a question though. way off topic of the photo challenge. but i'll say it anyhow.

i don't feel like myself lately-- and Lord knows i haven't been even writing like myself lately. not the myself you know. not 'Soul". and that's nobody's fault but my own. but it is keeping me stuck. ya know what i mean?
i shut down my other blog-- and moved over here-- and in my husbands own words

"shut the door on everyone".

ya know-- i'm not even sure why i did that myself . all i know is that he's right. and that it's also not the first time that he has had something to say about y'all, and the way i may have made YOU feel, by shutting you out.

i do know a little about a little bit. and that is only that i felt a little paranoid. i apologize-- but that comes with the territory. it's part of me-- i wish it wasn't-- but it is. by that -- i don't mean -- 'me' -- but it is part of one of my many ailments - which would be "bi-polar" - or what many folks call, manic-depressive disorder".
i have been so in the middle of an 'episode' for i have to guess, goin on two months.
i won't try to pick apart the reasons "why". and i sure aint gonna blame anyone.
when this happens -- usually 2-4 times a year -- it is nobody's 'fault'. sometimes something may 'trigger' an episode. and sometimes-- no one can even guess what happened-- it just happens.

i don't have the 'manic' y'all hear about on tv , or read about in books. you know, the one where the person goes off on shopping sprees, or has affairs, or parties til they realize they should go back home.
nope- i'm not lucky enough to have the 'fun' , yet sometimes still expensive and damaging manic. not me. i got the one that's reserved for the few that, feel that they can't trust anyone. that everything everyone ever said or did to or for them was a lie-- or a 'conspiracy'. that they were not ever meant to be loved or to amount to anything. and that every thing bad that has ever happened to them -- or even someone they loved was their fault. every argument-- every friendship gone bad -- every person who has died before amends were made--- my fault. and in turn i get extremely paranoid and angry. the only way i have ever acted out on these feelings tho-- was towards myself. verbally-- (in my head- for the most part) -- and physically-- in other ways. - insert your imagination here.

unfortunately, the depressed side of this same 'disorder'? holds the same 'emotions' (?) -- along with some others. both also sometimes include 'flashbacks' of things that have been said to me. downgrading, abusive things. maybe said to me by my mother-- other family members-- or friends. even strangers- or acquaintances, or co-workers.

in the rare case that i end up in what is called a 'mixed state" -- or sometimes 'rapid cycling' - stand by to stand by my friends.
it is then that i become a ship on a white squall --- and totally lose control.

of course- when this happens- i try my my damndest to not let it 'show' -
and eventually - yep - i fail.
it is impossible to hold 'that' inside.
wouldn't ya think so?

because basically , my heart, mind, body , and soul, are raging against each other-- raging against me. and for me, to struggle to keep that shit in check, is a lot more difficult that one might think.
i run around here-- feeling like that-- but i try to be all happy faced, and do what i'm sposed to. go to the mall, go to the movies, talk to people, be funny ole 'soul' on my blog.

well, ya know what? i can pretend only so long. brick by brick the weight on my back is getting pretty damn heavy.

and NO -- it's not all about me. if it was all about me.... you don't even have to wonder where i'd be. i would definitely be somewhere where it was all about me. not here. where i have to be careful not to voice too much pain. not to be sad, or depressed. definitely don't go off my nut. and God forbid, don't isolate.

just put on a hapy face. but yeh. i recently found out -- that even tho i thought i was doin ok in those areas? sweet child says to me-- 'you look sad all the time, and that makes me sad."
you stay in your room all the time, and that sets a pattern for me"

lovely. no matter how hard i try--- i fuck it up.

she hasn't even noticed that i don't stay in my room all the time anymore. only if i have a migraine-- and even then-- i sometimes just slap an eye patch on and stay out there with them and watch tv.

the way i 'look' -- holy crap-- i have had that 'look' all my life.
'smile".. you should smile more"
gawd -- if i had a dime for every time i've heard that shit-- i really would be rich.
well, if i'da saved it anyhow.

i know she's a kid - but even before -- she came into my life--- i lived in hell.
i'm not a person that sits around and smiles all day. i smile when something makes me smile.
and yes-- when i get too close to people-- i guess i do push them away-- or even "shut the door on them"--- many times i don't even realize it when i do it.
i just cannot be hurt anymore. i can't take it anymore.

i didn't mean to hurt any single one of you . i really believed that i had done something to someone- that i didn't even know what it was. and i thought there was some 'grapevine - rumor control- conspiracy " out there that i didn't know about. that y'all were sayin stuff about me. that was the reason that folks weren't talkin on my blog so much anymore. i had shit goin down at home , on my blog, and in my mind-- and i didn't know what else to do.

so i ran. it's what i do. i couldn't run away from home. (physically)
so. i ran away in my mind. not only did i run away in blogland---
in some way i did run away emotionally at home too. and it affected my family.
it just wasn't brought up til this last few days. in a BIG way.

i can't tell ya what happened with her-- or how far it went with her-- but yep-- you guessed it-- more blame on MY plate. she should have been able to come to me. i should have been there for her. i thought i was. this was the day robert had a heart attack.
a whole nuther story in itself-- and more blame-- and more misunderstanding from others. (towards me - and my lame feelings)-
regardless-- she mishandled her own emotions-- because she thought i was too into myself. (at least that is my interpretation. )
she instead- has chosen to spend the last two days with friends, rather than to talk to me.
as if i would be any help anyhow.
i've heard her laugh like i haven't heard her laugh in a very long time. sometimes kids just need their friends. parents aren't always the best medicine for a hurting kid.


but-- she is MY kid. i don't want her to hurt. i don't want her to act inappropriately on her feelings-- which unfortunately is also something she learned from me.

i so suck.

how can i love people so much-- and handle it so badly???

anyhow-- i've blabbed for an hour and don't even know what i said---
but i do have a question--

do y'all think i should go back to 'soul survivor"? should i be soul again. and reopen the other page?
should i leave all this crap here -- or bring it over there with me?

what do y'all want?

i love all you guys-- i never stopped. i just got a little screwed up in the head.
it wasn't the first time. it may not be the last time.
but y'all know-- it was a bit drastic... and i so apologize.
soulman has talked to me more than once about how Y'ALL must feel.
altho- he tries his best to understand me.... i really think it's easier for him to understand the normal mind. and he has reminded me of so much. not as i forgot any of it-- but he just kinda laid it out-- that y'all would never intentionally hurt me.
that y'all called when i had a seizure-- y'all called when i had the lung clot.
'people' just don't do that for 'anybody'.

i'm sorry y'all.
for so much.

i will never be able to erase any harm i've done-- but i would like to start over--

the rest is up to y'all.
what do you want me to do?

OX

i can't like it !

howdy folks-- is anyone i know NOT snowed in?

i think i'm in hell.

do you even have to ask what my plan of the day is?
yeh i thought not.
not only is there ten inches of fricken snow out there -
i had yet another sleepless night.
don't ask me why. guess that's just the way it is lately.
perhaps this day will be one spent in my bed watchin TV.


happy friday-
be safe and stay warm peoples-

it snowed - laugh if ya want but this is texas

icing on the cake - snow. yep. another of my favorite things. it's pretty. but i won't be goin out in it. i rescheduled my endocrinologist appointment for today - which i already rescheduled once before. shortly after that, my pain dr appointment people called me, and re-scheduled tomorrows appointment -- til next month.
i swear-- texas would bust if a real live blizzard hit.

so. hubby of course drove the spawn to school this morning-- we were all very surprised it wasn't a snow day-- they've closed schools here for much much less than todays' weather. but nope - not this time. but y'all know i don't do ice and snow- i am very dangerous drivin on this stuff. so really it's best i don't even try.

he was home from takin her to school for maybe half an hour-- saw two cars in ditches -- in a mere four mile ride home-- we had a chat about the weather-- and how it most likely will only worsen, and ice over even more. talked about a few more 'things', and came to the decision that he go pull her right back out of school. which he did.

i did manage to ball up- and venture outside
while he was takin the kid to school- and take these photos on my phone.

that of course was a few hours ago,
so it looks worse now.
not real bad worse-- just worse.

and of course-- school is going to be let out one hour early-- and canceled tomorrow.
yeh they're brilliant. hubby said , lots of parents were there when he was - takin their kids out too. they really shoulda canceled today too. how stupid. and a big waste of time. not to mention dangerous for a lot of kids and parents.

so. anyhow. what else?

i guess it would be best if i just shut up for now.
maybe i will write again later.
we shall see.

y'all be safe- stay warm.

bye

hungry angry lonely tired = thirsty for some

but a luxury i cannot afford-



yeh- good ole "HALT " (hungry, angry, lonely, tired). in AA you're sposed to 'check yourself' when you get emotionally overwhelmed and such. and 'halt' is one of the 'biggies' to watch for.
hungry- we know is the least of my problems. angry, lonely and tired-- hell, that's like fuel for me, it seems. daily -- every day emotions for this ole gal.
i wouldn't know how to act without those on any given day.

so let's add a few that i don't even know how to classify, or identify into the mix, and what do we get? oh, any combination of things. well, cuz we are talkin about me. remember?

plus--- me.. good ole 'me'. whoever that is. the one always trying to keep the peace. and or, people please. avoid conflict. make everyone around me happy. no matter what emotional price i have to pay. i am always left standing in the dark corner wondering what just happened.

can someone tell me? what the hell just happened?

because i'm not quite sure that i know.

in fact, i am positive of only that little factoid.

that i do not know what just happened.

i know a few facts -- because they are just that. they are facts. they are black and white. and they can't be questioned. the rest though? what the hell? it's a mystery to me. and as usual. that is natural. and it is what i do best. therefore -- it is what i'm doing. i'm blaming myself. and i don't even know what for !!!
everything i reckon.

and what do i wanna do about it? how do i want to solve it? oh baby, you know it.
i wanna run away and be alone, and i wanna drink it all away. and i don't want to feel responsible or guilty for any - body- or any - thing. in fact--- i don't want to fuckin 'feel' anything at all.

but. i'm not allowed to do that. i can't do that. i'm not allowed to even have the feelings i have now. much less act on them. appropriately-- whatever that is. or inappropriately. as we all know- i mentioned that above.
but-- i thought i was doin ok. and just feeling my feelings.

this morning me and hubby had made up after last nights bs fiasco-- all was fine. he took the kid to school this morning-- actually he even let me sleep in this morning-- after he came and dragged my stubborn ass to bed last night around 1230 or 1 a.m.

then earlier today he went to pick up my portrait that was ready at the framing shop--

wanna see?

obviously , he also hung it on the wall for me too.
isn't it beautiful?
(thanks again JLEE )

anyhow-- of course i was emotional about that-- seeing it finished ya know.
for so many years i could only imagine it in my mind. now it's finally here on my wall.


so. while he was still out getting the portrait. my sister calls me from england, to tell me:
her ex- husband had a heart attack last night. she had very little information at that point. and i still, at this point have no more info than i had then. which was of course hours ago.
i do not handle news like that very well. and i do not handle death very well. NO, he hasn't died. but it is quite a possibility. apparently, he refused medical attention when he felt sick , and in the time that lapsed before he did get any medical attention? a lot of damage had been done to his heart.

this was a guy that i spent a lot of time with when i was young. during my teen years. he is the guy who taught me how to fish. and he took care of me and my brother when my mom wasn't around, and we lived in really shitty places. roach and coke dealer, and hooker filled hotels. etc. one time there was a 'sniper' shooting outside in the parking lot of one of these hotels we lived at. and he was the one who got us all out of bed and onto the floor til it was over. this being in the middle of the night. i was only like twelve or thirteen at this time.
we were such a bunch of idiots i can just imagine us-- runnin and lookin out the window to see what what was goin on-- if he wouldn't have been there.
Robert.
the butt of many jokes over the years.
but really, he was, and has been , even though i haven't seen or talked to him in most of my adult years-- he is the brother that my own brother couldn't be.
he was more than a brother in law. he was my brother.
shit i talk of him now as if he is already dead. he may make it through--and God knows i hope he does. If there is no brain damage of course. that is a possibility.
i'm sure with that much damage to his heart it could mean brain damage as well. i'm not sure if he has spoken yet.

my nephews are getting together-- the youngest in chicago is goin to jacksonville tonight- to be with the other two, and they will decide what to do from here. whether to head to arkansas on the weekend-- or what.

the strange twist in this? it was only a couple of months ago that i had mentioned to my sister just nonchalantly that if robert were to die i would want to be told, because i would want to go to his funeral.
that surprised her.
i guess she didn't think i really cared about him anymore.
but i do.

people who touch my heart -- don't just leave it when they leave me.
they still live there.

that's not how i tick.
i guess i wish it could be that easy.
it's just not.

so, i'm 'thirsty-- but i won't drink-- not tonight.

well, that didn't last long

hiya folks---

just gonna check in real quick before bed-

if i woulda got on here half an hour ago like i planned? it woulda been much different. but, well, i got sidetracked. or perhaps that might be 'blind sided' -- in a way.
everything was goin great and WHAM! just outta the blue - bullshit came from nowhere. and i was the unsuspecting target. hmmmm. was i surprised? nah. but my good mood is in the shitter now, and i just wanna go to bed.

but-- as for the rest of the clan? here's the update-

hubby made it home safe and sound about two hours ago. he was thrilled to be home and not driving. he' dropped the boat off at storage on his way home a couple miles from here. i will see it tomorrow. i am lookin forward to it. and really, i can't wait to ride it-- and fish! but y'all know it will be a while before that happens-- number 1- it has got to have the engine from our boat put onto it. and number two-- it's just gotta get warmer before i get on a lake.

next? the daughter and i had gone to the grocery store before he got home- to get him a nice steak for his dinner, and some other stuff-- as we were once again out of everything. and i was 'forced' to let her drive us there. was i nervous? oh hell yeh. i was . she did real well on the way there. traffic was light , she had just got out of school, she was in a pretty good mood, and me? well, i wasn't feelin too bad. considering-- well, that i am just me.

so-- off we go. and honestly-- i was actually sorta relaxed-- a little. even told her "i could get used to this". i mean hell. just look at her. we were talkin, smilin, doin fine. no arguing. just cruisin along.



she did really good. and i was proud of her.

BUT-- OMFG-- the ride home? totally different story. she was fightin over the radio-- totally distracted. she nearly hit two cars. all i could do was pray, breathe, and TRY NOT to yell at her. i did not want to stress her out. she on the other hand? had NO problem yellin at me. none.
wth did I DO?
nuthin. i didn't do nuthin.
to nobody.

if i need an ass kickin-- someone just get it over with-- if it would put a stop to the dumb shit. this is flat out ridiculous. i really feel like a target is on my back. or maybe my forehead. i can't help it- that's just how it feel for me.
for nearly forty years.

some know why-- no where close to all of you. but even the ones who have a mere hint -- really have a fraction of the puzzle that is me.
but hey- don't feel bad-- i haven't even figured me out yet.
eegads.
am i crazy-- or am i sleep bloggin?
all i am sleep bloggin?

this is one a those nights i could simply 'go somewhere' -- know what i mean,

but as the saying goes--

i got no place to go

we do our runnin around , and get home , and started cleanin up the kitchen so she could cook dinner for her dad. it was somethin she really wanted to do for him, and you know i wasn't gonna argue with that. so i washed dishes, and she cooked. she also did a fine job on a great meal.

it was finished a little too early-- but he was famished when he got home-- we were pretty hungry too- so we all sat at the table to eat-- something we don't do very often. and it was nice. it wouldn't have been any better had we gone out to eat. in fact- we usually regret goin out-- and complain that we coulda cooked better, and spent less, etc. and that's true. but goin out to eat- or goin to the movies- seems to be our main forms of entertainment.
bleh.

so anyhow-- after dinner- we watched (DVR'd american idol).

see what i mean-- sounds like the perfect day, doesn't it?
even eevee was happy to be home-- and of course we were happy to have her back too.

but-- that's about when the shit hit the fan.
kid decides to argue with me -- over shopping-- y'all know it's my favorite thing in the world anyhow--
all i'm doin is trying to avoid confrontation -- for 15 minutes -- sweet child is yellin at me about where a certain store is-- and it's not where i say it is-- of course cuz she knows everything. and dear hubby is in lala land--- she's arguing-- i'm doing my best to make her stop-- or at least to understand that i'm so sick of buyin shit online that doesn't fit and never gets returned-- that it's go to the store-- or she doesn't get it. and it's got to the one i want to and know where it is-- not the one where she wants to go to -- which is further-- and in worse traffic--and people hell. how hard is it to accept that?????

so yeh-- she's goin on and on and on-- so much so-- i could go drive of a bridge by now. and she just won't stop !

i finally tell her-- just leave me alone or i aint buyin you shit!
yes i did. no it isn't child abuse.
if anything, what she was doing to me was adult abuse. i was about to have a damn panick attack....

and hubbby didn't say nuthin-- til i finally told her to basically-- shut up or else.

so-- maybe i over reacted? but i got mad, and then went off on him-- for rather than -- defending ME-- for the last 20 minutes while she consistently argued with me about taking her where she wanted and to buy her what she wanted-- all the while making me more and more upset-- and less and less likely to buy her a damn thing.
he tells ME to stop yelling?!!!

ooooooohhhhh. that doesn't work in my world. so now it was a total fiasco of bullshit. i was instantly pissed that he jumped to her defense after i had ONE comment in my own defense-- and he jumped to defend her-- when he remained silent while she yelled at me -- demanding her way as if she were veruca salt for the last 20 minutes.

and now-- she's upstairs-- he's in bed-- and guess where i am?
damn sure aint where i wanna be. i wanna be in bed too.
but -- nooo. even tho i took headache meds, bed meds, other bs meds-- after american idol-- with the full intent of goin to bed with my hubby today, at the same time, unlike most nights. the little nuclear fallout a while ago-- has left me somewhat frazzled and UP. so, here i sit-- in the livin room-- bloggin. perhaps-- i may soon be sleep bloggin. who knows. all i know is -
it doesn't take long for a good day to go bad. at least around this place.

run in place til i get back :))

i'll put a real post up later on i gotsta go do life stuff

so do things really come in 3's ?

a view from here :))

i think they must-- i even almost got this post started at 3:33. now THAT woulda been just a little too strange. of course, stranger things have happened - around here. we all know that, right?

so. here i was, after my previous post. 2nd for today-- well, technically 2nd for sunday-- but today is still sunday for me-- cuz i still haven't been to sleep yet.
however, that was my intent-- about an hour or so ago. i posted , then i read a little bit-- of all things? -- parts of a hand written journal i wrote-- in 2001-- in a psyche hospital. yeh i know-- i'm just askin for trouble aint i? erg.

strange thing tho? i have not looked at these 'notes' since then. i guess you could say i was 'afraid to'. maybe afraid to 'trigger' something. and cause a set back, or something.
but recently, i have had writing my stupid -- prolly never to be written book - on my mind again. so, i have been lookin at old journals, poems, blog entries, etc. to kinda see if i really wanna 'go there.
i think i can, and will get a start on it-- soon. i kind of have. mainly just jotting notes-- next to notes-- and editing some poems, etc. even writing a couple new ones.

so. anyhow-- sorry -- got off track a bit-- but , i know that doesn't surprise you.

anyhow- yeh, like i said earlier- i was startin to get tired-- finally, and actually, welcomingly-- i was ready to go lay down and hopefully grab a few hours of sleep.
so i looked over a few pages of these notes, and then i headed for bed. i had to make a lil pit stop on my way- if ya know what i mean.



when i got in the bathroom, i thought i might flippin die ! there were towels on the bathroom floor-- which really, wouldn't be a big deal-- except for the fact , that every last one of them, maybe 4 or 5--- were soaked..... i do mean soaked.... with pet urine. eevee is gone-- otherwise i woulda blamed her right off the bat-- there was soooo much pee, i couldn't believe it. from sushi- and two cats? how? mind you-- this was only done in maybe an hour or two. it was perfectly fine in there the last time i was in there.

but ya wanna know what really topped it off? aside from havin to pick up-- and touch all these towels, bathmats, and clothes-- soaked in smelly cat and dog pee???
the worst i think--- was when i had to clean up my own pee-- when -- yup-- you guessed it-- my fuckin toilet overflowed !!!! all the way overflowed!!!! i can only move so fast ya know. i do know how to turn the water off behind the toilet. i was 'old' when i got married. i had to do all the man stuff for many years. houses, cars, you name it-- it was my duty-- 9 times out of ten. and yes-- that included toilets. ugh.
anyhow--- i'm gonna be washin towels alll damn day tomorrow.
hubby picked a great time to go out of town.

oh, and do you think i had a plunger in MY bathroom? oh hell no-- of course not. where do ya think it was? yep-- up-the-fuckin-stairs. yippee. so up i go-- tired as hell, at 230 in the morning- to get the toilet plunger--- while my bathroom downstairs is flooded and soaked in pet urine soaked towels, mats and dirty laundry. ( which , at least by this time i had tossed into the bath-tub) gawd, it was the least i could do in my frantic attempt to not flood the house.



is anyone seeing the humor in this yet?
it really is ok if you are. cuz i did.
i think that's why it happened. and THANK God-- it was only pee.. all the way around.
you just can't tell me God doesn't have a sense of humor.
he knew i was on the verge of a flippin panic attack, and he was just tryin to lighten my load.
so- during my frenzy-- and bitch fit-- and yes-- i cussed-- more than once-- and even woke up my kid... she went back to sleep easily tho. it made me think of a few funnymoments-- that may not have been so funny at the time-- but they are now--

like the GET UP!!!! thing.
that was a horrible morning to top all horrible mornings. it involve gran gran-- and my sister-- and a night of drinking-- and a horrible wake up call, which involved an overflowing toilet-- and incessant demands for us to GET UP - uuuggghhhhh--- not a nice sound when you have a hangover-- a lingering drunk from the night before-- AND 'her ' voice "GET UP" over and over and over. OMG

then there was the time that my sis and i actually removed and replaced a toilet-and wax ring. for who else-- but the queen.. (gran gran) haha -- she's my mom in case you didn't know. but wow.
just wow.

she was worst than any drill Sargent who ever lived. or would that be 'better'?
you could never ever say i can't-- or i won't. she said jump-- you said how high.
and ya did your best to jump higher than she expected you to. always. and it was never good enough. for her.

i guess i could honestly say-- today-- that i gained a lot of strength from her.
i lost a lot of good that i should have had-- or should have now too-- but maybe it was a fair trade.
i think without her bein such a hard ass-- i wouldn't have half the fight i have in me now.

hell i don't know what to say anymore.
cept-- i fixed the toilet, all by myself. not a big deal for most, i know-- but if hubby was here? i woulda turned the water of of course-- but the kid woulda picked up the urine soaked towels-- and i would not have ventured up the stairs for the plunger-- nor would i have fixed the toilet.

well-- of course-- i most likely would have been asleep-- the animals wouldn't have been off kilter with stez and eevee gone and may not have pissed all over everything, and perhaps the entire situation would have been avoided-- who knows.

but-- aside from the fact that i am surely UP for the day? as messed up as it was-- at times... all in all? not a terrible day.

it could be if i let it be.
i'm just not gonnna let it go there.
tomorrow-- umm today is a new day.
(let's rejoice and be glad in it :))

that line always makes me smile-- maybe with a little sarcasm.. but it's true.

i know i'm gonna be one tiahd mamma today-- maybe i'll catch a nap after i take the kiddo to school-- she has an appointment this afternoon-- i sure don't wanna be fallin asleep drivin in rush hour.

i also need to let her drive today sometime. she got her permit last tuesday-- did i tell ya? she only missed 2 out of 30 questions. she rocks.

anyhow-- is anyone awake yet?
or still?
you know i am.

happy monday-
happy week-
laterz

still sunday -- for a while

hey there peeples-

so. who watched the super bowl? apparently it was a good game. from the little i heard about it. the saints are my bro in laws fave team. so i was happy to hear they won. i have never been a big-- or even a little - fan of the colts. so i was happy the saints won.
even tho-- i never really cared much for them either. at least my bro in law was happy.

anyhow-- even tho i guess i sounded pretty pitiful this morning when i wrote , the day didn't turn out to be a waste after all. i woulda been perfectly fine all snuggled up in front of the fire in my 'nekkid clothes' -- (that would be jammies, for those who don't know) all day havin my pity party.... but it didn't go that way.

nah. me and my child, decided that a movie would be in order-- then of course some shopping. and of course by that time-- it was time for food. so that's how we filled our day.

we saw 'dear john' at the theater. what a good movie. and of course here i am, all depressed and feelin sorry for myself-- for whatever reason. hellifiknow what has come over me this past week or so--- i of course cried. more than once. it was ok though, cuz my kid was cryin too. she's just a romantic tho... i expected she would cry. it's rare that i cry at movies like that. but it was a good story. and of course it made me miss my hubby. wth is goin on with me? we've been married forever-- i hate to admit this-- but i usually don't 'miss' him, anymore. not when it's for short periods of time. really i do better when i'm the one who leaves. with him leavin-- bein gone? i can't even get to sleep. y'all know, on a normal night-- i'd be long gone in dream land by now. this just sucks.

so anyhow-- after the movie, we walked the mall, of course. i knew it was comin. but i really didn't want to. i didn't want to walk. i didn't want to spend money . i was cold, and just ready to eat and go home. but--- i promised my shopaholic that she could get some stuff. she actually got some cool stuff. she found a leather jacket that even i like-- i might not wear it-- i don't like 'short' jackets-- but it is nice on her. and it was on sale - and quite the bargain for leather.
then we went to another store-- i was so freakin cold i couldn't stand it. my first stop was the clearance rack to look for a cheap on sale jacket for myself. y'all know i hardly ever buy me stuff. but i had to. i was literally shivering. wth is it with these places havin AC on in the frickin winter? are they crazy?
i ended up findin one i liked-- an orange -zip up- hoodie, at american eagle. i like orange- but i don't really own anything that is orange. soulkid said it looked good on me. i really like it-- and it was only like 17 bucks. score!
then she got a few more things--- until i finally had to put the brakes on the wallet.
haha remember when she called me 'the walking wallet?" that was funny. well, kinda.
so. that was that. and we headed out. i hadn't eaten anything all day- and was beginning to get a bit grouchy. ok-- bitchy. so we had to get food. we headed to ghengis grill first-- they were just closing-- at 5 pm-- for the superbowl. can you believe that? a business shuttin down to watch a football game. that is true dedication. my kid was in shock. "they can't do that!"--- i said they can if they own it-- they can do whatever they want.
so we ended up at RJ gators.
lots of fried fattening food-- and too much of it-- need i mention we had a doggie bag?
we shared a calamari-- i ended up with way too much food cuz it was the only way i could get clams-- she had a Caesar salad, and some of my shrimp.
we had a good day-- but we were both tired by that time- and just ready to go home.
when we did get home- we chilled on our own for a while- then watched a law and order svu-- then again, did our own thing for a little bit-- then i came to bed--- then she followed a while later.
she's asleep now- and here i am-- blabbin on about just stuff-- cuz like i said-- when hubbys away-- the wife's awake. bleh.
i have been sayin-- on facebook for two hours- that i was goin to bed-- well -- i did go to bed-- but i meant i was goin to sleep-- yet here i am. not sleepin. maybe on my way to sleep bloggin. but not sleepin.
i almost wanna just get back up and go drink some coffee-- i am a loud typer, and don't wanna bother my girl.
haha in fact just after i wrote that-- the kid said
"i can't sleep if your typing."
so-i guess i will get up for a while.

ok-- so. here i am -- i am now in the livin room.. cuppa joe and a smoke. the girl has school tomorrow, and needs her beauty rest ya know. so i decided to come out here for a while, so she can get to sleep, without the click click click of my keyboard.
i just can't go to sleep right now. meds and all-- just not helpin... bleh.
so. if i get weird on here-- haha-- as if that's not a frequent occurrence right? but if it happens-- just blow it off-- blame the xanax. or hell, just blame me. i think i'm headin of my nut again.

it's ok tho-- it's a time of year thing. it'll pass. eventually.

i hope. sometimes i wonder. i think if someday i'm gonna hit one of these 'times', and just not come back out of it. ya know? just flippin go totally of my rocker. it's not like i don't have a reason. that's what caused the addisons ya know. an entire life of stress, and loss. i have nuthin left to fight the stress-- literally. so when i get stressed out-- or depressed-- which seem to be my two main emotions in life--- my body attacks itself. it really really sucks ass i say.
and it sucks to have a disease that i don't know a whole lot about. and that what i do know-- is actually kind of scary. because it is so out of my control. sure i take meds for it-- but that only helps if a person is 'balanced'. we all know -- that's not me.

it's been proven that people really can die of a broken heart. well, i really think that PTSD on top of addisons -- is gonna be my "reaper". but do i fear the reaper? nah.

never have. of course i have survival instincts-- but hey-- i also want things to be better-- that will never be magically better 'here'.

but-- i reckon the good days still outweigh the bad days. cuz i am obviously still hangin around. through everything i've been through. put through. dragged through.
you get it. i don't stay down for long. i just don't. even when i want to.

*SIGH*

nevermind---- here's some hubby pix in florida from today--- he looks like he's havin a good day. have a look--







aaaaand here is a little something i came across to kill time earlier--

"the lazy bloggers post generator "

i did it just for fun-- you can find it here -- give it a try-- it's kinda fun---

http://www.aussiebloggers.com.au/blogpost.html

here's mine:

OMG! I just got slapped with a wet salmon - really - I have not updated this since you last visited... You would not believe the amount of people that are totally stalking me. Please don't abandon me!.

I am overwhelmed with discovering time doesn't stand still, hoping you haven't found other blogs, just generally being a terrible burden to anyone unfortunate to cross my path, my day pisses me off from the second I am woken by murderous Teletubbies to whenever. I am not growing up. as well you should know.

I will try to remember I promised you I will write something that makes sense soon. Until I need your shoulder to cry on. This is for my ever faithful, devoted public..

cheerio folks-

superbowl sunday -- yippee???

howdy peeps-

well, it looks like my hubby made it to our nephews' place in jacksonville a little while ago. he stopped in pensacola for the night last night- and went on through to jax this morning.

i wish my body wasn't so against me at times like this. i would have loved to go with him. i can barely make a round trip to dallas and home though, before my body turns against me and lays me out for the rest of the day.
i used to love to travel. driving was my favorite thing to do. i can't even guess how many arguments i've been in with people-- even my stez, over who 'got to ' drive.
now i do anything in my power to NOT drive. i don't even want to drive the three or four miles to the kids school. i really resent who i've become over the years.
i do.

so anyhow-- today is superbowl sunday-- number -- something. i don't even know. and i really don't care. i won't be watching the game. does that make me 'unamerican'? i hope not. it's just another 'thing' in life that i have lost interest in.
up until a couple years ago - it was a tradition, like that of most other folks in this country--- even overseas-- in the navy-- i remember we got the day off-- to watch the superbowl ! correct me if i'm wrong-- 1986 - giants and broncos. haha denver-- the team i love to hate.
we also had the day off to watch the superbowl-- at that very same duty station-- 1990- again-- denver -- ugh-- vs the 49ers.
denver lost both games hahahahahaha

but-- that was then- and this is now. no barbecue goin, no chicken wings- wingin. no chips and dip- no friends comin over- the tv isn't even turned on- and what's 'worse' -- i don't even know what time the game starts.

hubby isn't here -- so i won't even be makin snacks for him. or gettin ready to at least watch the 'commercials'. which is the only thing i watch anymore-- if at all.

man, life has changed so much.

i wonder so often what it would be like if i hadn't fallen on bad health.
would i still have 'gone mental'?
would i still be 'on the run' from sun up til sun-down?
would i still be the front runner-- rather than the one that everyone leaves behind?-- or has to wait for.

where would i be in life?
would i still be fixing airplanes?
maybe managing people who do?
i could be doing anything i want to do right now-- had things not turned the way they did. when they did.

but--- like they say--
everything happens for a reason.

today seems to be one of those days that i just wish i knew what the reason was-- so i could do something about it-- and maybe get on with my life.

i'm sick of holding people back.
i'm sick of being stagnant
i'm sick of being sick

with that-- i'll shut my cry baby pie hole-

happy sundays y'all

they're off, like a herd of turtles !

mornin y'all -

who's off? well that would be my hubby and his dog. they left about half an hour ago on their way to the sunny (i'm guessin ) state of florida, to pick up the new bubba boat.




it feels very strange for me. even though it's just a quick turnaround trip for him, it has been quite a while since we've been separated for any length of time. well, at least for him to go. the last time we spent more than a couple days apart was when i went to iowa to visit a friend for almost a week. why is it, that when YOU are the one on the going end that it just doesn't seem so 'weird'? or, maybe that's just me? i have always had an easier time leaving, than being left. but at least they're comin back.

bye stez and eevee :((
have fun, see ya when ya get home !

that just made me think of how when i do-- on the rare occasion -- go somewhere, by myself. he always tells me before i go :
"just promise me you'll come home"
i've always come home.... but he still says that.
it makes me feel bad. every time, and even now, just thinkin about it.
of course i know why he says that, and why he feels that 'someday' i may go and not come back. but when he 'goes', that thought never crosses my mind - for him.
of course i worry, that he may get in an accident or something- something out of his control might prevent him from coming back. but i always know; and believe, that nothing that he could control would keep him from coming home. ever.

so. that's what's on my mind in these wee hours. we got up at 4 a.m.
i had actually been lying awake for about half an hour, just waiting for his alarm to go off. i had a horrible headache, that had been lingering for the last two days. i was sweatin like a pig, and freezin to death at the same time. my back was in knots. and i could only lay there and hope that when we did get up -- i wouldn't be a horrid bitch to him. hahaha-- i wasn't. i was sweet as pie. really.
well-- ok, maybe not so much at first-- but once i took a shot for the headache, and a pill for the other pain, and poured some coffee down my gullet? hey we were good to go.

don't hate me cuz i'm a bitch. it passes. i'm so like the ocean tide. perhaps it's menopause? or, do ya actually wanna hear my latest 'theory' of my 'mystery diagnosis'??
yep, i'm at it again. i know i shouldn't do this-- and y'all do too. but actually, dr google isn't always the enemy. most of the time, yes. but sometimes i really do find answers.
so. here's the thing. i watched 'mystery diagnosis' a few nights ago. (did anyone see it? ) the lady with the disabling headaches, and so many other symptoms similar to mine?

well.. her diagnosis, after being treated like a mental patient for SIXTEEN years--- ?
she had an adrenal tumor.

now, some of you know that i was diagnosed with 'Addisons disease' several years ago.
with many many of 'her' same symptoms. anemia, weight loss, lethargy, depression..migraines-- mood swings-rages, the list goes on.
go ahead and google it-- i'll wait.

hubby was watchin this show with me and we were both just in awe of what this woman went through. it was 'my story'.
well.. for the most part-- we all know i have other problems that aren't related at all to addisons or a possible adrenal gland tumor. but the similarities, were more than too close for comfort.

so. we decided that my appointment for next tuesday with the endo-- nurse practitioner-- that i had scheduled-- i would change, and demand that i see the 'real' dr. that i have been supposed to be seeing for the last three years anyhow. (now i see him on thursday--with my hubby in tow)
if he can't - or won't test me, or answer these questions-- and see me from here on out-- not only will i find another dr. but i will also call my insurance company and report them. i am FED-UP.

this is the same endocrinologist (nurse practioner) that i went to-- unable to walk-- in a wheelchair-- IN (potentially fatal) addison's crisis-- and she sent me away-- to go to the emergency room. - which i didn't do-- i don't have that kinda money-- hubby took care of me at home, by rehydrating me and monitoring my BP.

i have been in adrenal crisis at least three or four times that i am aware of since i have been under her 'care'... and not once has she done anything to help me.
you know , without my hubby taking care of me at home during these times-- i would be dead. that is a fact. and this is what i pay them for?
not anymore.

have i mentioned the fact that i hate doctors????
i used to think that doctors hated me, and didn't care about me... now i have realized that they just have no idea what they are doing. none whatsoever.
eegads.

where did that rant come from? sorry.

i have too much stress-- i need a vacation.

i just wanna be normal-- i wanna go out to lunch

i wanna wear my vans, and shorts

i wanna go fishin

is that too much to ask?

i am so damn easy to please--- but i seem so unpleasable.
wth?




(anyhow-- there's an update- of sorts for yesterdays post in that comment box -- i really know very little - if anything at this point.)

and with that? i shall leave you, on what i hope to be a very happy day in your worlds today :))

me and my kid will find something to do. perhaps away from the cage-- i mean house :))

and by the way-- just so ya know-- if any bad guys think we are easy prey? you are very wrong-- wanna try me?

bwa hahahahaha

what is happening to our world?

hi folks--

i got my daughter home from school yesterday afternoon. and it was a rare occasion to have her dad home and chillin on the couch. he hadn't been home long, because he wasn't here when i left to get her-- usually on those occasions, that he is off in time to pick her up -- yeh you know it -- i talk him into pickin up the child. and he will. cuz he loves me, and he knows i hate to leave the house.

so anyhow--- when we got home , and he was here, we all had a little chat. sometimes we do this, but a lot of times, we kind of just do our own thing- until dinner time. then review our days over dinner.

so. the spawn :)) , was extremely chatty , and was goin on an on -- kinda like i do sometimes-- ok a lot of times.
she was jumping from one 'story' to another, and it was difficult to keep up.
not only for me- but hubby too. we were really listening intently though, because this was some serious stuff she was talking about. she was just having a hard time finding the words to express it all.

what she was telling us was something i have -- until that moment -- only heard on the news. and unfortunately, for some strange reason, way too often in recent weeks in our area where we live. ok-- not our area-- but the metroplex-- ya know?
so anyways.
not sure about hubby-- but my little shriveled mind could only grab so much of this conversation, before i had to stop her-- and make sure i was 'gettin it right'.
was i? not hardly. to break it down for y'all though? in short?

1- a kid had a gun at school.
2- he had a 'hit list ' with at least 5 names on it.
3- my kid knows a few of these kids- one is a very good friend of hers.
4- my 'understanding was that 'someone' turned this kid in for having the gun.
5- i was wrong. NO ONE said a thing.
6- no one was shot or hurt --- or arrested.
7- me and hubby were and are terrified.



this is how kids get killed. this is how columbine happened. no one took those kids seriously. there are a lot of 'if only's' in that story.

parents- teachers- students- , a lot of people may have changed that situation --
if only ---
one person would have taken those kids seriously when they said things. no matter how insignificant it may have been at the time.

look at the end result.

and Virginia tech too.
or fort hood for that matter.

there are signs-- whether they are silent, subtle , or blatantly in your face---

don't be that person who doesn't want to 'get involved'-- or the one who thinks 'it's just a joke' or it's just an empty threat.

we don't know if the kid is serious. we don't know if he really had a gun. we don't know if it was loaded.

but i will tell ya this.

i would rather have my child and those of other parents who don't even know about this - to have a chance of keeping their kids safe -- at school of all places.

so yes, i called. i told them what i knew--- but hell no -- i didn't mention my or my kids name. why add her to the 'hit list'.
she is also home with me today.
hubby told a lady at work about this earlier today --- she happens to know the principal.... obviously -- she is taking this seriously as well. her son attends the same school. she called the principal as soon as she heard.

it is no joke when kids have guns at school.

so what, if it turns out to be a rumor-- or a lie. kids do that-- they love drama.

but lives may be saved if it isn't. and your kid may be one of those lives.

pay attention when your kid is blabbin their head off-- you may miss somethin very important when you aren't listening to what their sayin.

stay safe today y'all

and have happy weekends-

you may need some coffee for this one-- maybe pee first too :))

howdy folks-- top o' the mornin to ya-

i'm still freezing-- just so ya know-
and this post is TWO days long- so get comfy :))

wednesday:

i don't have long to write for now -- so i guess y'all are lucky, in that respect, eh?
cuz i have a feelin i could write, a lot, right now. and most likely a whole lotta nuthin. as usual.

this last few days have been a bit odd for me. in several ways. like i said-- i don't have the time to get into all of it-- or even most of it really.

ya know-- my best bet here is prolly to not try to rush this, and if i don't get it finished before i have to take the kid to school -- and get stuck with a needle-- labs, yippee!. -- maybe i should just save it to draft, and finish it later. ya think?

thursday:

* enter- side note here = (that up there was written yesterday-- so i already got stuck-- needles don't bother me - so it went ok. of course there's more to that story-- that only adds to the disdain i hold for my endocrinologist dr. -- but i will spare you the details. for now.)

i heard that "phew" from y'all :))

anyhow- i already don't make any sense half the time-- if i try to rush through a post like this-- most of you won't even attempt to read through it. all you will see- read is -
my charlie brown speak---
"mwa mwa mwa mwa"

(this is me lightin a smoke and sippin some coffay) ahhhhh

ok, so now that i can breathe, and slow down -- with that plan of attack in motion. (being to slow down- and to save this and not hurry to finish - as i am in the same boat now as yesterday morning - runnin short on time)


but-- let me start over. k? ya still with me?
inhale. exhale. we good? ok.

so. where was i? besides in a hurry and frantically writing, unable to think.
ahhhh yes. obviously , my mind is a mess at the moment. wanna know why?
well, it's not the obvious 'off my nut thing'. no.

you see, this passed week or so, i have been-- well, let's just say "diggin up some old bones". i actually don't think they've ever been buried- so to speak... so they don't require much diggin.
so - maybe they're just the ole 'skeletons in the closet' kinda thing???
regardless of the 'metaphor' , this isn't something that happened on purpose , well, not really.
i mean i wasn't forced to talk about any of it, or anything.

it is however something that had already begun , on it's own, when a friend of mine had a tragedy in their life. of course, me, bein "me" ... i rush to the 'rescue'. -- or maybe the 'attempted rescue" -

mainly because i have walked in similar shoes--- and i haven't done it right. i want this person to know, and to learn from my mistakes that there is a better way-- and she must find it-- so she won't end up like me.

i'm getting to know this person on a deeper level through writing emails --- which to me seems the most honest way to get to know someone on a heart to heart basis-- no masks-- no awkward silence-- just feelings-- and truth. and experience, strength, and hope. shared between two people.

but, like i was saying--- it can bring up things that haven't been 'really', consciously thought of in a very long time. it can also bring up hurts and wrongs that have been done by and to others when i opened these wounds of my past.

'my story' ( at least the parts of it i shared) - might have helped this person begin a path to healing' -- but i wonder now-- if it has left me at a fork in the road where her life begins to change for the better; and i stand here confused , wondering which of the two paths before me to choose. which happens to be something i should have done almost 14 years ago.

confused yet?
sorry-- that would be my specialty.
my sis calls it my "cryptic speak" -- but-- i just don't like to name names-- or sometimes be specific about certain people, places, or things on here .

it doesn't seem necessary to do that- it could hurt people. 'innocent' people.
cuz 'things' are simply miscommunicated through the written word' way too often -- and when that is your -- ok MY -- main form of communication -- lemmee tell ya-- from experience-- it can really fuck things up. and it has-- more than once.

too often, people honestly don't know what they do- or don't do -- when it comes to life, and people in it. and when 'hyper-sensitive ME, is involved? God knows- it doesn't take much -- at the 'wrong' time, to throw me for a loop.
or worse? for me to throw y'all for a loop.
we all know it's true-- and unfortunately-- that is out of my control.
honestly. and sadly-- many times-- until it's too late.

anyhow-- back to what i was sayin---

i have no problem -- none-- openening my wounds to help another-- or maybe to at least, attempt to help another. i admit, i don't always succeed. there are times i really make things worse.

but i have to be honest-- i am never left unscathed by it. and sometimes, i just don't know what to do about that. because that is my own problem, nobody elses. whether i have helped a person - or not.


maybe i have this story-- or experience-- for the single reason of telling people how NOT to get through it. maybe to point them to people that i know who did do it right. and how much i have learned from those certain people.
and if i know how to contact them-- maybe i share that too.

i can't have been through what i have been through- and continue to go through-- in vain.
there has to be a reason for it.

helping others-- has got to be it. otherwise-- my life is a total waste of air and space.
and i refuse to believe that.

and y'all know i'm only talking about a peice of my life here.
the worst- and most painful piece, of course.
there is so much more to it. so much more to me.
i can't have been put here to live 'this' life -- only to suffer -- only to survive everything i have endured --- everything i continue to struggle with and fight through --- for 'nothing.

there has got to be more to it. more to me.
God did not bring me this far-- in 'this' life, to drop me on my ass. or to let me die in vain.
i am here-- i have the life he gave me-- for some reason, unknown to me.

i may end up dying in a wheelchair- in pain, with altzheimers- someday. i know i won't die alone. and i know that i will stand before my God, and i will know why my life was this way. and i will be proud to have served my God, the way i was supposed to.

JOB , from the bible-- he was a man of great strength and endurance. he suffered loss, and physical pain here too.
in the end-- he was ok with that.
maybe i will be too.


is anybody still with me?

i think even I am gettin lost here.

so. i will shut my yap now.

and hope you all have the happiest of days in your worlds-
i'm gonna clean my kitchen, and work on my taxes-- you know you wanna be me :))

Wanna Know Why They Call Me Soul?

this post was original written on :
february, 2, 2010

somehow- somewhere, since the day that i posted this page, i for whatever reason, deleted it. it isn't even saved on drafts.
y'all know me; at least most of ya do. memory gets worse by the day.
maybe someday i'll remember when , or why i deleted this - but until, or if that happens -- or not-- i checked some 'notes' i have set aside for when i do ever decide to get to writing 'my book'.
i will do it ya'll. someday i will.

anyhow-- this is just a bit of a tale about my name "Soul",
and how it, and maybe even how I, came to 'be.'

go pee, grab a coffee, pull up a chair,
and prepare for a doozy of a 'soul post'.

Where the name 'Soul' came from :

it started with 'soulmange' - a very long time ago - which happens to remain my email address.

when i lost jacob who was my unborn and very ill son @ over 5 months pregnant, i also had a dog named midnight. (you may or may not remember her-- but i had that dog longer than any person, or any-thing- ever.) well, cept for soulman-- and he was only a close second. :))

well- soon after we lost the baby "Jacob"-- my dog got mange. severe mange. she almost died from it. her litter of ten pups did have to be put to sleep because of it. i just didn't know she had it-- she didn't show signs for months- so it made it hard to know what happened to her.
so, that- and misdiagnosis made it hard to know, or even guess.
by the time she got the right diagnosis- and medication? i was literally minutes away from asking one of soulmans' friends to take her out and shoot her. the poor dog did nothing-- except shrivel up to skin and bones, go bald, scratch constantly, cry, and bleed. i couldn't handle it anymore. it was breaking my already broken heart.
the day i was going to ask this guy to shoot her-- i saw my shrink--- who suggested i get a second opinion first.
so i did.

she got a proper diagnosis-- some God given meds, shampoos, vitamins, etc.
i swear to you - within a week-- she had a thin but beautiful coat of hair coming in, she wasn't crying or scratching, she was gaining weight- and eating. she was coming back to life. God gave me my dog-- my soul-mate back. she was on the verge of death. and she lived another -- 10+ years :)) (she did have bouts with breakouts- and flea allergies- but we knew what to do to help her.)

God knew i couldn't lose her. not then.

anyhow-- one day- back then - i was looking at her-- she was still really sick at this time--
she was sitting in the middle of the street in front of our house- i was sitting on our deck.
i could sense it that she was as miserable as i was-- and i thought to myself that she was sitting there-- in the road-- just hoping that she would be run over. she hated living that way.

it was then then i thought-- i know how ya feel my friend--- i have mange too. my soul has mange. i want to die too.

that was when i chose the name 'soulmange.'

and when i decided to put her out of her misery.
and me out of mine as well.

she was healed-- with my help of course-- of her mange---
and i was soon after-- admitted -- into my first mental hospital.
after no other option-- i walked -- crying uncontrollably into my shrinks office-- helpless- and hopeless-- with no where else to turn-- and told her-- i didn't know what else to do-- other than die. she couldn't let me leave like that-- she called my husband- then the hospital-- i was admitted-- my husband was beside himself-

i had finally lost my mind.

BUT---

about twelve years later i had this blog--- and i had folks who liked the stuff i had to say on there--- and i had moments of light in my dark soul ---- and mind--- and i learned to laugh-- and trust (a little)-- and folks didn't like to call me 'soulmange.'
because they didn't see me that way.
they didn't see me as a dark , disturbed, sad person.
at least not all the time.
i made people laugh.
i had a positive side.-- and that side seemed to 'come out' more and more'-
i had a helpful side- that cared about people-- genuinely. many times-- more about them than myself.

they didn't want to call me-- or think of me as having 'mange' -

like Midnight-- i had bouts of depression, and i had mental attacks, but i also had times of being 'myself'. looking, and feeling 'human', and happy, and ok. not ugly inside and out, and wanting to sit in the road and be killed.


so--- i became
"SOUL"
(my blog was re-titled as well- with a little help from my friends :))
it went from - " A Day in The Life Of Me" (i think) TO - "Queen Earlene's Finest"

then finally TO :

The everpresent -- "Soul Survivor"

but---

now i'm brezz.

cuz i had a mental attack after christmas.
and i hurt a lot of these folks feelings, cuz i got paranoid, and thought everyone turned against me.
and that's because i spose i'm soulmange , once again.
so no more soul

just "Brezz"
(a story all it's its own)

BUT--

wanna hear something positive ?

for YEARS i have had the title for 'my book' that i may never write---
and i was driving home this morning from droppin soulkid off at school--
and i thought of a brand new title for said book!!!!!

you DO know what that means don't you????

it means----
i need to start diggin up all my 'notes, and unfinished crap on this here 'book' we speak of---
cuz it just might get wrote after-all.
title being?

a secret til it's written
patience my friends.
patience.

and now -- april 2010-- i am back to soul survivor-- where i belong. where i feel y'all want to be with me , not take me to the woods and shoot me.

God Bless Texas

mornin peeps-

ya know, if i didn't like it here, i'd say Hell froze over. it has been flippin freezin out here for days! and you know i hate it. right now? THIRTY degrees. NOT windchill, or feels like. that is the temperature. i don't even wanna know the feels like. that doesn't matter-- i can tell ya without knowing the actually numbers... it "feels like" HELL.

i've heard people say-- that heaven or hell might be individual to each persons own 'best' or worst'. ya know what i mean. heaven being -- the best you could ever dream of, the happiest that YOU could ever feel or be. and of course hell, the total opposite.
individual to your own hell. your own torture. eternally.

i'm not sure what 'my heaven' would be. i think it would just be to be with people i love and trust. mainly my babies-- you know that. just somewhere beautiful and pure with a lake or a stream, trees, and no doubt or fear, or regret. just love, and people i love with me. oh, and of course perhaps, sun, and fishin. :)) -- catch and release- of course. that, i think is MY heaven.

do you even need to guess my hell? well-- first-- it would be freakin FREEZING -- like now-- but colder-- constantly.
and brown and ugly and dry-- yes like new mexico-- a place i always refer to as hell anyways. and of course my feelings would not include trust or love, or joy-- they would be pain, paranoid, fear, and definitely NOT include peace - or people i love.
that is MY hell.

so. where did all that come from? hellifiknow. all i know is i'm cold. and like i said it's 30 degrees outside, and i have to take the kid to school in a little while. oh Lord i do not even wanna leave the front door !
i cannot wait for spring. when is spring? where is the sun in fact??? the sky has looked white/gray and crappy -- if not rainy -- for several days. is it too much to ask for a little sunshine?
yeh, i didn't think so. hell, it's free. most of what i want in life is free. well, for the most part at least. health. sunshine. a little energy, feel good catch fish/ fishin days, some spontaneity in life.
all free.
but where is it?
here i sit- on my sloth ass-- dreading to go outside -- cuz i hate to be cold.
have i mentioned that little factoid of my life?
i truly HATE being cold.
i do.

so anyhow-- wonder where i've been lately?
well, i'll tell ya.

i been busy actually. trying to catch up on my life. i have fallen so far behind it's not funny. (ever wonder where that line came from? i do . "it's not even funny".
well.. it's not like anyone said "it" was. right?

anyhow-- aside from gettin bills, banks, and tax hell in order- which included finding a $1000.00 error in my bank book-- and NOT in my favor. you know that was panic attack causing. erg- gag- pffttttt.

i also have done some house cleaning-- haha-- shocking i know. :))

and saturday we went to the movies and watched

my review?
it was good. but not outstanding.
worth the wait for the DVD i say.

then, yesterday-- aside from my business stuff, etc. i had some mommy daughter time. much over-due mommy daughter time, i might add. we didn't do much-- yep-- cuz we were both afraid of the cold :)) neither of us wanted to walk from the car to -- well, anywhere. so we ended up starting out to go thrift shopping- or antiquing --- BUT we got like four miles from home and i got the horrible feeling-- OMG i think i left the garage door open. which meant the house door was unlocked too. and the dogs were crated. so -- we HAD to go back and check. we got back to the house-- the garage was shut :)) bleh.
so. we changed direction-- and instead of heading back to whence we came , we chose a different direction, now with only food on our minds. it was late afternoon, and neither of us had eaten.
we stopped and exchanged movies at blockbuster on our way to our mystery lunch tho, and got "Saw 6". i'll get to that later.
we ended up eating at a new and different place-- which was all we really cared about. this same ole same ole-- is gettin old. so we found a place -- the kids pick-- and a very good one i'll say. we will be goin back there someday-- with hubby in tow.

(even tho, the poor fella is back on his - almost no carb- diet, and will miss out on the delicious fried calamari , and home-made sour-dough bread we shared.) OMG, it was to die for.
we almost left before even sitting tho-- there we were on a sunday afternoon, and 90 percent of the customers were wearing ties, and dresses, or nice pant suits. here comes me and my kid-- decent of course-- but clad in jeans and sweatshirts. :((
i felt very out of place and undersdressed for what seemed at that point an upscale sorta place. but we-- obviously stayed -- and were delighted.
and we had good conversation, and a good time. which was soooooo overdue -- it aint even funny :))

no joke tho. tensions have been high lately between she and i. i'm not sure why. we just haven't been getting along well lately. a lot of arguing and yelling, over the dumbest of stuff. so i was happy to get out, and clear the air, and enjoy some one on one time with her. it did her some good too. we've been doin better together since.
she even got up this morning-- on my first try-- without bein a brat. :)) trust me-- that is always a good thing.

so-- after hubby got home from work , we all watched

saw 6

if the saw movies are your thing-- i say get it-- it -- to me-- is one of the best of the series-- it has a neat twist at the end. :)) bwa hahah enough gore and guts to last til the next one. and yes-- i think there will be another . and maybe another-- bleh. but hey-- to me? these beat freddy and jason, any day!

so. i think that is all i have time to jaw about for the moment-- i must ready myself to freeze. i mean take the kid to school.
oh-- someone help me. i have to take her tomorrow to get her drivers permit. i think that just might kill me.
no. not that part. the letting her drive part. i don't know if i can handle it.
save me.

hey-- at least i didn't say "kill me" that time :))

happy days out there folks!