sunday slothnessness

really folks, i mean it.

i know i'm a cry baby , and i always admit it when i act that way. i do apologize for my post yesterday. well, at least the parts that i acted like a two year old.
basically, i spose if it were to be broken down into two year old speak... it would sound like this:
"if you don't play with me, i'll throw rocks at you".

and, i guess that doesn't sound like a person my age , does it?
so yeh,

i really am sorry.
especially for threatening to not play anymore.
bleh.

y'all know i've not been feeling well, and also that this is just a really shitty time of year for me. i think the two combined; have made it easy for me to stay glued to my couch, for the better part of the last week. soulkid not going to school the last few days has made it that much easier. i don't think i have put clothes on-- by that i mean changed out of jammies -- not that i been nekkid-- ugh.... anyhow-- i have been in jammies for like four days-- maybe five. ever since i got back from the dr the other day--- i haven't got dressed, or left my house-- or done ANYTHING.
i did my cards-- which hubby took to the post office to mail. i've paid bills-- online.
cleaning? ha! nope... nada. me and soulkid would be starving if not for soulman cooking, and or bringing food home on his way home from work.

it's ridiculous, i know that.
and after re-reading yesterdays post--- i know i MUST DO something about it.
i have obviously let myself slip into that black hole; the one i really tried to avoid.
it sucked me right in. and subconsciously too. it hit me on the 9th. i had a bad anxiety/panic attack on the 10th. up until yesterday i have hardly spoken to anybody-- obviously i mean the family-- seein as i haven't been anywhere.
then yesterday i had big plans to do shopping, and errands and stuff.
i didn't get dressed. i didn't even get UP.
know what i did do?
i watched TV in my office with soulkid the ENTIRE day.


i'm not complaining about that part. we actually needed the time together. i have her hooked on 'law and order SVU' and there was a marathon on tv yesterday-- we sat here and watched it for hours. from like maybe 10 a.m til 9 or 10 p.m. isn't that wild?
again, if not for soulman feeding us-- we maybe wouldn't have ate. ugh.
but--- i swear yesterday was THE most time i have spent with my daughter one on one in an extremely long time. i couldn't even count the times she told me she was enjoying the day, and time with me.
and i enjoyed the time with her-- even though i felt really bad that i have been SO UN-productive lately.
we really did need that time together. and it was good.
but-- in so doing, guess who was left spending the day 'alone'? yep-- soulman. poor guy. i felt really bad about that. but i was torn.
today the two of them are going christmas shopping together-- so they will have their time together--- i am gonna go shop and stuff by myself. i like that better anyhow-- cuz when i run out of gas-- i don't have to worry about rushin anyone.
as for me and soulman, yep-- we do need some time together--
funny thing?
soulkid asked the other day --
"what are we doin for new years eve"?
i said --
'well, that might depend on what YOU'RE doin on NYE, YOU may have a hot date"
she just gave me a funny look--
so i said-- you know what it means for me and dad if you have a date , don't you?
she was like
"don't tell me, i don't wanna know!!!!!"
i was laughin by then, and said-
'what? just means that WE might, for the first time in 15 years have a hot date ourselves" :))

she pouty faced at me-- she really is big on tradition-- and every year of her life the three of us have been together-- and toasted at midnight in our crystal wedding glasses. (always brought out only for holidays, and anniversaries)
it means a lot to all of us.
i think it made her a little sad to realize, that it might be coming to an end now that she is of 'dating' age. the only changes that have been made to this tradition is that the last few years, some , she has had a friend over .
for her to think that this one -- or maybe the next one-- she may not be here with us- i think it hit a nerve.
so-- i have a feelin she will be here with us-- and if she does have a 'date' -- he will just have to deal with bein with a couple of old folks at midnight.
what? we have four glasses.
:))

so.
i am out of stuff to say.
but i spose that's a good thing eh? i know i talk to much sometimes.
so, i shall go now. and HOPEFULLY manage to make myself presentable to the world and others, and make my appearance to the outside of my house today.


i shall see ya round-- and yes i know i'm not the most important blogger in town, and y'all are busy. i'll take my 40 lashes with a wet noodle, and let's be on our way. k?

hope you all have happy days out there folks

sunday spews and movie reviews

howdy peeps

greetings and salutations :))

sorry i haven't been around much lately. life stuff. you know how it is.
i been tryin to 'stay in today' lately. of course, those who know me well, know that i have a hard time doin that. especially this particular time of year.
actually -- i seem to have certain periods of the year that hit me quite hard.. almost like a quarterly thing. christmas of course, is one of those times. well, the holiday season actually.

i may as well spit it out, for those who don't know. "my story" is on here somewhere. maybe more than once. so i won't go into all the details of what happened. if you must know, you can do a search for jacob, and somewhere you will find his story.

so. anyhow-- he was to be 'induced', due to hubby being active duty navy at the time, and us having our -my- OBGYN, over 300 miles away. there's more to that reasoning-- but again.. it's on here somewhere-- long story short-- i swore to never trust another military doc with one of my children... and i didn't.

so-- jacob... my son, his birthday-- in order for hubby to arrange leave etc, and be sure he would be there etc-- would have been dec 9th, 1996.

that birthday never came.
and i/we have never had a 'normal' christmas' since then.

therefore--- i am -- for whatever reason. i don't know why 'now' is the time. but i have just been trying to ride the sane train. be in the spirit of christmas , and not fall into that black pit that seems to catch me every year at this time.

and ya know what y'all? i am doin pretty damn good. so far.
my shopping is very close to done. soulkid is my biggest deal, ya know.. and i am almost finished with hers - woo hoo! just a couple more things and some stocking stuffers.
then i have some things to get for soulman, and audrey, and of course my friends list-- which is usually small and easy. after that i am all done!
AND i finished my cards yesterday-- well i did my cards yesterday. a record breaking year. just cuz i felt like it. i never get as many as i send out-- but i will bet anybody-- this year? i don't get one for every ten i sent.
know what else?
i don't even care.
that isn't what any of this is about. it's about the way that God is allowing me to feel just a bit more free this year. y'all just don't know the weight i feel lifted off of me. i hope it doesn't sneak up on me. it does that sometimes. i just want this to be a happy christmas. it's one of soulkids last few at home as a kid. i just want her to remember it as a good one. ya know? that's all i want for christmas. ok , and a few other things :))

alrighty folks-- enough of the sappy shit--- on to my movie critique of the week.

that is what we went to see last night.

i don't really know what to say about it either. except that yes, it was a good movie. i have no complaints about the story, or the acting, etc. that was all fine and good.

my problem with it was personal. it was so sad. in parts. some places of course got a smile or a laugh. but others just made me want to cry. yes only want to. i never did let go. but most of you know i keep my guard up a lot. but -- if i would have allowed myself? i woulda cried like a baby.

the movie may not be like that for most of you folks-- i'm sure it's just a PTSD thing. i know-- i shouldn't joke about stuff like that. but really--- it had a lot of 'triggers' in it for me. and as for my SISTER -- little tid bit here-- i advise you do NOT watch it.

everyone else? maybe you'll like it-- maybe you won't. i guess it depends on how much trauma you have suffered. bleh. it really is good. and worth watching. but i say wait for the DVD. maybe go see a comedy or a Christmas flick. this is a sad movie. and this isn't the time of year to be watchin sad movies. right?

so anyhow--- y'all go do somethin fun with the families or peeps today-- enjoy the people you love-

see ya round folks