Friday, November 19, 2010

 
HOWDY FOLKS-
Happy friday to ya- what's happenin in your worlds? not much goin on in mine. seems like it , but at the same time, it seems not.
at the moment i am 'pen bloggin' again tho. as i am - i hope - importing my old blog into this one. a couple folks have asked to check out 'soul survivor' and i have it 'shut down' to the public.. so they haven't really had the chance to read it. aside from that, lately, i have been thinkin a lot about the whole 'blog thing'. it all used to be so important to me. like it was a part of me. if i neglected my blog - or my peeps, even for a day - i would feel guilty. not that i don't still that way, but it's a different type of guilt. and it takes a lot longer to feel it. i guess i never imagined that my 'baby' would become a 'duty'. when 'before' , it meant the world to me. if i didn't write here, i felt like i would explode. if i was away from a computer, i would write with a pen and paper, then scan it and post it . that's where 'pen blogging ' started.
i would have blog pals tell yall stuff when i couldn't blog. like if i was away, or times i was sick or in the hospital. i was in love with this entire experience. i don't know when it changed. not exactly. i do know it happened a couple times. and i know it happened during times of depression/ and mistrust. times when i felt that folks had or were betraying me. y'all know i'm bi-polar. surely that is the main reason i've had these issues. call it paranoia - call it what you want. the end result with me, is always the same-- guilt, and isolation. regardless, i can't keep hiding from my emotions.. i can't continue to hide from stuff i say on here, and move blogs whenever i think i've said to much. or not enough. or said the wrong thing. i am who i am. i have never judged any of you out there -- and some of you have similar issues. yet i feel judged a lot. so. anyways. judge me - or not. i have put many hours, tears, and a lot of laughs on these pages . years . i have helped , consoled, been helped, and been consoled. we have all laughed and cried together here. and i should not be ashamed of that. i guess that's why it has been so difficult for me to write lately. to let loose and be myself. i have felt ashamed, and somehow i have lost my sense of who i am. i have maybe done what i said i wouldn't do. and that is - i have let my diagnosis define me. i have become a mental case , in pain. and i haven't allowed myself to see anything beyond that for a very long time. i haven't allowed myself to believe that anyone else sees anything beyond that in me.
well, it's time for me to open my eyes and see that there is more than that to me. in me, and in front of me. i am not my diagnosis. it's time i stop bitchin', and get back to livin. i fell in this pit , and got way too comfortable here.
i hope the importing of 'soul survivor' works, and maybe you can get to know the 'real ' me.
yes -- there are many mood swings there too. but there is also a lot of 'Soul.'
ya know - soul was derived from 'soulmange.'. that's quite a jump. wouldn't ya say so?
maybe i just had a relapse. so, i may have mange now. but like m,y dog Midnight. she had mange every now and then, but with a little love and patience, it went away.. for a while-- and never came back quite as bad as the time before.
anyhow. i'm workin my way back. like Midnight, i won't heal overnight. i have some stuff goin on. mage takes a while to manage. i don't feel much like soul today. gimmee some time. i'll be back to the old me in no time.


oh speakin of dogs -- sorta -- my dumb dogs got in a fight last night --- over chips !!!! instigated by the el piggo - sushi. some chips got spilled out of the bag, we figured the dogs would eat em. of course sushi is first on anything that falls on the floor. eevee was in my room in her crate... finally sushi seemed to have had enough - she's just a little thing. so i called for eevee to come finish em off... soon as she came out - there goes sushi - bum rushin the chips, so eevee couldn't have any..then she has the nerve to start a fight with big ole eevee... and it was ON. i got up and 'thought' i was gonna break em up. then i guessed again. i was barefooted, and they were really goin at it. hubby came out of the kitchen and broke em up rather quickly, then i checked out sushi for any war wounds. ugh. they haven't fought like that in a long time . of course they got separated for a while. and all was fine. stupid sushi. i don't think she realizes what a little punk she is. she thinks she's rottie or somethin. -- ever since day one -

                                 see? -- dummies , on day one

 



"about an hour later"
good lawd, how long does it take to import a blog??? mine is still 'importing'. or so it says. for all i know, it's really not doing a thing. i have things to do , i can't just sit here and wait for this to download. so i spose i'll go do my stuff, and hope that a stupid cat doesn't lay on the keyboard and screw somethin up.
i have to go pick up an RX, and buy some new sheets. i think i have become sheet OCD. for some reason i like to buy sheets. some freak thing. don't know why. i just like new sheets :)) i may get some towels too. half my towels have gone missing-- or are crusty from friggin hair dye.-- speaking of OCD - my child dyes her hair - and uses a different towel every time. even though i say -- don't use a good towel! "ok".. does she listen? nooo. ugh. i better not get started on the towel thing. i have had a life-long towel issue - and it drives me crazy that when i go for a towel there is never a towel to use. even if i HIDE one-- she finds it! grrrr.
hmmm. what else will i do while out in the world??? ya know? i'm considering hittin the pond, and maybe try my luck at fishin for a little bit. it's a fairly nice day out today and it has been a while since i've fished. so yeh. just might give it a shot. wish me fish :))
oh ya know what? our stinkin dryer is broken. bummmmmmer. wednesday hubby had to use the laundry mat to dry a ton of laundry. there was no way i could carry that much wet clothes etc. so while i took the kid to school and her weekly appointment, he stayed back and washed about six loads of clothes (mostly mine OOPS ) and stuff, then had to dry them down the road -- and his favorite- fold em.) i sure was glad he could do that.
the dryer guy came yesterday -- we called sears first -- the were gonna charge over a hundred just to knock on the damn door :(( so he called another place. he came out , didn't charge anything to come out - cuz we're gonna let them fix it for a mere three fifty -- ugh, gag, choke, gasp!!! so much for gettin Douglass declawed and fixed this month. it was 311.00 to do that +neutered. i was lookin forward to that. it's always somethin tho- right?


                                           crazed douglass

 
so- anyhow... i reckon i better get UP, lest i remain on my arse for the remainder of the day. that is so easy to do sometimes. i don't like it - it just happens. sure is time to change things.
have i mentioned that tuesday - i'm havin the left side rhizotomy done? not sure if i did or not. so sory if that's a re-run. but just mentioning the sittin on my laze, made me think of it. i hope it heals fast and well. so far the last one seems to have done well. not that it cured anything. but it didn't cause any problems either.
welp folks. i'll cut ya loose for now. hopefully by the time i get back the import will have worked... i hope it doesn't mess anything up-- if it does, i hope it's an easy fix. with my luck, only God knows.
until then
ore vois :))

12 comments:

Lynx217 said...

I won't preach about declawing... just not something I'm for, but I know lotsa ppl are. I just go by the ol' water bottle method and boy it worked awesome for these 3 furballs. But I got lucky. The twins broke easy and Nimbus was so young I got him before he was set in his ways. And IF they slip out, they so well trained, a yelling of their name or "HEY!" or NO! works every time. LOL i'm evil sometimes, I know.
Who cares what anyone else thinks of you? This hole is where we all gather around to laugh and sigh together. FB is just where we do it in semi-real time! But hey, if it makes you better, *hugs* cause I luv you tons! Hope you catch some fishies.

Mary said...

I hope you fished today. Harry did. In my reef tank!! We're trying to get a fish out because he has been nipping my clams. The net is no use because old fishie-poo runs in the rock. Well, Harry didn't catch the bad guy but he caught a clomn fish and a royal gramma. He just threw them back - no harm done.

Soul, I want you to feel better. I think of you a lot. Love to you.

Smocha said...

wow poops, that was wordy. LOL that DID sound like Soul to me. Ditto what they said about the conditions defining you.
I'm glad to hear that you are moving your blog, sounds like something you need to do for YOU.
Evee is scary as hell, that picture proves it. look at her eyeballs about to pop right out. **run sushi, run! **

I shall try and update today.

Love me

P.s. mary, I didn't know there were fish in your tanks.

Paxie Panicker said...

Sounds like you are getting it together out there! I'm planning on giving you a call this weekend whether you like talking or not LOL

I got BIG news...David. :)

Love ya and I'm glad you are coming back :) xoxoxo MB

SOUL said...

you all sound good -- i'm happy to see ya :))
happy weekends !!

Anonymous said...

I really liked this post Soul Sis. It was You.., ups and downs and all and being so real with us. It was that kinda posting that drew me to blogging and to our little "support group" in the first place. My theory has always been that I'll write what I wanna write because it's me and my blog and anyone who doesn't like it or me can go to "heck"! LOL It isn't supposed to be about judging and all that crap that sometimes goes on. And as for that weirdo who sometimes pirates your posts, I think that person is so pathetic that it's not worth bothering about. Imagine having nothing original to say on your own! Not your problem or mine for sure! :-)) I have always follwed along with you're writing, sometimes cryin for you, sometimes prayin, and most often cheering you on as you try so hard to keep movin on with all that happens in your life. It isn't easy - for any of us - and it takes a lot of courage to share your struggles here. I just know you can get to feeling better again both physically and emotionally, it looks to me like you are headed that direction with this post. We love you Soul.. keep blogging and ignore the a**holes! :-) And I promise I"ll be back to blogging at the end of the year. Kinda want to pick up where I left off a year ago. HUGS

Anonymous said...

Ooops, I think I blogged in your comments! Guess I just had a lot to say. :-)

SOUL said...

i missed this one earlier j-- but i loved every bit of your post in my box :)) anytime soul sis
xo

SOUL said...

lynx --
i know all about folks bein against the declaw thing -- but man i tell ya -- my cats hate me - and all my stuff. i had my other two declawed maybe last year -- and it has been so much less stressful with them not destroying my furniture. but then came douglass.. OMG he does enough damage for all three. my main concern right now is when we go away -- oh the trouble he will cause :((

i didn't manage to go fishin.. i did get sheets tho :))

later -

SOUL said...

mary-- nope i didn't go fishin-- and i didn't know you had fish either -- can i go fishin over at your place :))

SOUL said...

ola poops-- i'm so far behind - but i finally got the merge worked out --
catchya latah-

SOUL said...

paxie-- woman-- what's the big news? call early tomorrow -- we have big plans -- wooooo :))
hugs MB