where the hell is my panic button ?!!!

holy crap -- what a day. [heavy, painful, SIGH]

i looked on google for a pic but couldn't find one, some of you know what i'm talkin about though. but ya know the "panic bubble" they give ya when ya have an MRI???
well... every time i've had an MRI before today that is... i never needed it. in fact, i actually thought the whole idea of the thing was silly, and wondered if anyone actually ever used the damn thing. well, guess what? y'all wished me well for my mri today--- and i thank you for that, cuz i hate to think how it woulda gone without your thoughts. it was a nightmare ! for real. i have had many of these done. many. at least four? maybe more. three or four on my back and one on my brain? maybe two on my brain? hell i don't know. i remember bitchin for years for dr's to mri or cat scan me... then it seemed like they finally started trying to find a diagnosis-- and the scanning never stopped-- CT's, MRI's, ultrasounds.. eegads-- i was glowing !
oops-- got distracted. as if that hasn't happened before. hmmm/
so anyhow. back to the mri- today. the ONE time they don't give me a panic button... i have a full blown, out of control panic attack ! no shit. i don't mean a little anxiety. or a bit claustrophobic. nope-- i'm talkin... movie quality here. tears, chest pain, racing thoughts, etc etc. they have a mic in there-- but the tech didn't hear me til the machine stopped. she pulled me out, and she offered to stop the test-- but i need it,
(yes Smocha-- for the rhizotomy-- but not the one i'm having--to see if i can have it on my lower (lumbar) as well...so i just took a breather for a few minutes and finished it. it was horrible. and i don't know why it happened. i have never had that happen before. well, i have had mri's and i have had panic attacks -- but i have never had the two together. i hope i don't again. it was not a pleasant experience. what a way to ruin a day . ugh.

that last 7 or 8 minutes of that test was the longest 7 or 8 minutes of my damn life.
i do wonder if i didn't have a heart attack tho. i didn't want to spend eight hours in the emergency room to find out-- OR pay a damn thousand dollar bill behind it-- to find out i had what i knew -- or thought was a panic attack. so i didn't go. but i did feel like hell ran over me all day long. my arm hurt, i had heartburn.. i was a bitch-- but that's just me, so i didn't know if that was a "symptom" or not. so anyhow-- i looked at the 'symptoms'-- and looked at the pros and cons of goin to ER.. and i just couldn't talk myself into it. so i xanaxed up, and took a nap. yeh... that's the way to do it. not. i know. i should know better by now... but i don't. and i won't. the best i can do is get my damn will drawn up... but i - we.. just don't seem to get around to that either.
it's just that i've had so many 'false alarms.' and i'm sick to death of payin for em.
like maybe at least three or four trips for what i thought to be heart attacks. they were extended stays, that were never a heart attack. everything from a panick attack to lung pleurisy, to 'nothing'.. and once it was actually 'something'.. tachacardia? they gave me nitro and all kindsa crap-- but it cost a damn fortune. it was my heart, but not a heart attack. so. i chose not to go today. i'm still alive. i feel like crap. but it didn't kill me. i'm sure it was just a bad panic attack.
but-- there was also the other thing-- remember the time i blew off goin to ER when i had a pulmonary embolism..lung blood clot...? that wasn't very bright either.
same deal though. y'all have no idea how many times i have gone to the dr. or the ER for pain. no matter how severe, strange, curious, even debilitating... and they did nothing. nada. 9 out of ten times they would find nothing, and treat me like a 'drug seeker', make me feel worse than when i got there-- and leave me with a bill that took a year or more to pay--- or let go into collection. ugh. so. when i got the pain from the blood clot?? lemmee tell ya-- those stupid little pain charts? they don't have one for this kinda pain. but i had a dr appt scheduled like two days out-- and no matter how many times soulman told me to go to ER-- i told him, i would just wait for my appointment. i'd tough it out.
not a good idea. i could have died. ugh. i felt like i was-- but i just didn't want to be treated like crap. which-- i don't think woulda happened-- that time. not with a DVT and a PE :)) call me dr House now k. :))

another time that i let asshole non diagnosing jerk off docs make me feel like i had no right to go to the hospital???
didn't want to be a bother---
i was pregnant with my first child. so---- forgive me if i wasn't very knowledgeable about these things. well, i'd already been to the hospital at least twice--- in false labor. forced to walk around for two hours-- then sent home. i was like 22 years old.. and dumb as a rock. SO-- what did i do when i actually WAS in labor? i took my dying ass into the bathroom and got into the tub. i shared a room with my sister and her three very young sons at the time... i just didn't want to bother anyone.
i sat in that tub and cried in agony from like 2 a.m til 6 a.m. til my sis finally came in there... she says-- wth are you doing?? i said i'm dying... she timed the contractions--- two minutes apart!!!! how the hell was i supposed to know? i didn't. obviously.
and back then, i was active duty navy-- it wouldn't cost me a dime to go to the dr-- i just didn't want to be a hassle. ugh.
so-- my sis gets us ready, gets our mom up to take care of the kids-- and drives me in my truck--which was a five speed that she didn't know how to drive--- can we say --- OWCH!!!??? it was a great ride in san diego military base a.m. rush hour traffic -- AND construction.
i told her to take a coned off exit from the stop and jerk-- i mean stop and go traffic laden hiway-- she said what if they don't let me-- i said they have NO choice!
she took the exit and a young guy in a vest comes up and made her stop-- he says you can't go this way you have to get back on the hiway.
she points at me.. curled up next to the passenger door, groaning.. and says--
she's about to have a baby !!!!
i think she thought she was gonna be delivering a baby soon, and she was fixin to road rage as well. :))
the kid looks over at me and says oh go on ahead maam.
it's funny now-- cuz not one of us was out of our twenties. we were all three frantic.
i was prolly one minute apart in contractions by now... and bitchier than can be... she kept stalling and or jerking the damn truck... thinkin back-- we all had three cars at least between us -- i STILL don't know why we took the one she didn't know how to drive. :))
well, she got us to the hospital in time. and i had a bouncing baby boy.
he's a story all his own.

this lil guy
Patrick.

but yeh... someday.... i'm gonna blow off goin to the doc-- and somethin bad will happen... and all because i got blown off one too many times. what a shame eh?

ahhhh.... something good did happen today though. if i tell you now though-- i won't have a morning post. hmmmm. should i make ya wait. i should. besides--- most of you won't even be here til tomorrow anyhow.

so-- til then-- thanks for comin by today. i know i'm slackin in my comments etc-- i'll try to get better. just a bit busy lately.

g'nite peoples