do you mind if i cuss ?

how 'bout if i just go on a rant of sorts and slander the medical community? --- again?
i wouldn't know where to begin. i could write a book on this mess. oh. by the way, i don't suppose i need to tell you that the appointment with pain management didn't work out so well today, right? because, of course it couldn't be more obvious. it was such crap. and the doctor was more of an asshole that i am not sure that i could even describe it---him. i have seen probably literally hundreds of doctors -- ok.. let's say 100 - doctors, since this pain and stuff began. which was about 16 years ago , maybe. no, it's more than that-- that isn't even ten docs a year... so i bet 150-200 totally separate doctors , for my multitude of mystery illnesses, and symptoms, and such.
any of you who have followed this blog for any length of time should know my frustration. i would bet money -- maybe even a lot of money .. that if someone would frickin treat this pain properly, and not treat me like a damn junky, before they even know my history, or me as a person, my mental part of this crap would be cut in half. i almost gaurantee it.
but noooo. before i was even examined today-- my photo was taken, my tatoos were described and logged, and the pharmacy i use was logged in the record as well. i was already being all but fingerprinted --- just in case i might steal a rx or change one that was written to me. for identification.
then when i was examined-- i was tortured. he showed NO mercy. not only that-- but when i was getting up from a lying position from the table (i was on my back at the time) he offered a hand to help me up-- i let him take my hand--- he JERKED and PULLED me up very very hard.. it hurt so bad that it made me scream!!! i said wtf did you do that for???? he laughed!!! "what? what did i do, i was just trying to help."
if i was smart-- and we all know i'm just not that smart when it comes to these things. like docs -- or situations that i think i need to see through. i would have told him to fuck off right then. he was obviously "testing me". somehow trying to see how i would handle that . well, i didn't handle it very well. i was hurt, and i was pissed.
so now, i was not only being treated like a junky-- or worse-- a criminal! i was being treated like a liar!
and--- ya wanna hear the worst part? during the exam-- if ya wanna call it that-- remember now-- i am there for back, neck and leg pain..... he began asking OBgyn questions-- and without warning-- did a breast exam !!!! this was obviously before he ripped me off the table ---- which btw STILL hurts. i was just in shock.
and to think, i was sent there by a dr that i trust. (ED). my neuro dr. i just may not go back to him either. well.. maybe once-- just to let him know what an asshole he sent me to-- what he did, how he treated me, how he didn't treat me, and just how much i think he screwed me over.
oh-- i almost forgot-- after the "exam" the fuckin dr is sittin in the chair--- and i am standing-- in terrible pain... in a damned gown--untied in the back-- i could barely reach back to keep it closed, it was killing me to stand there... after five or ten minutes , i , through gritted teeth, say-- do you think i could get dressed?!
so he says oh, yes sure. so he leaves. (but not before letting it be known that he would not be giving me "real pain meds" -- but after he calls my shrink he might try a new drug similar to lyrica---- i had already told him i had an awful reaction to lyrica. and also to the neurontin, tegratol, etc type stuff, and that i refuse to take cymbalta. so he's gona put me on some brand new bs med that may land me in a psyche ward??? ummmm NO!
so while he was gone--- for by this time like 15 minutes--- i booked out of there--- well , as much as i could "book". i already paid his dumb ass... i knew i wasn't goin back...i knew he wasn't gonna do a thing for me but experiment and treat me like a junky. so i left. i did do a little snooping through my record though while i was waiting for him to come back-- before i got mad enough to leave. i read the notes from my neuro--- he did suggest that this dr refill my pain meds . instead he wants to do this kinda crap to me.
the entire thing was just WRONG. i have never ever had a PAIN doc-- or a neuro doc.. or any other such doc-- jerk me so hard like that-- or touch my breasts!!!
and he knew i was in pain. i waited in the waiting room for an hour, and him coming in and out and do the exam and talk and all the bullshit--- by the time i left i'd been there like three hours. i was damned crippled. and he wasn't gonna write a rx for nothing. nothing at all.
all the stress and pain was so much for me that by the time i got home--- i had a migraine. i ended up havin to take a imitrex shot.
it was an awful day in soulland folks.
sorry to whine and bitch so much in this post-- i know that y'all have pain and problems too--- i basically wrote this so i would have it down before i forgot any of his crap. because i just may report him. and no, not cuz he didn't give me meds-- i know a lot of dr's are whimps these days, and just don't want to do that. but it was the way i was treated. i felt worse leaving there than i have EVER felt even leaving the VA hospital. and i leave there in tears sometimes.
so....any ideas? should i just jump offa bridge and fix the pain myself? it's not like i haven't thought about that a few times.
i have no life at all anymore .. i don't think anyone even gets it. just last summer i was out fishin every single day -- sometimes for hours. now? i barely go at all. i can't stand that long. if i last an hour, it's a good day.
tonight, after my headache eased up-- i washed dishes-- it took maybe half hour - to 45 minutes to clean up in there--- i was near tears from pain, and even sweating when i was done.... how am i expected to pack and move and unpack and decorate and do all that i have to do this next month??? the thought is paralyzing.
imagine if angie wouldn't have come out to help with the garage. that was the worst of the worst. i just don't think i could have even made myself start that task.
thanks ang!!!!
ok y'all.. thanks for listenin. i bet i'll be better tomorrow. like i said-- i just had to vent-- and make sure i wouldn't forget what a BASTARD THIS GUY WAS.



take care, stay cool, and be happy.
g'night folks.