one foot in front of the other

hi folks --
hope y'all are having good days out there.  i'm tryin.  tryin to not allow myself to stagnate.  i have been doing pretty good at that for a while lately.  for some time though, i swear i was growing mold. 
today, i am trying to not get resentful and angry about a few things.  it isn't easy.  i opened my kitchen blinds this morning -- that's something i haven't done in a while...  for one thing, i had been away for over a week up until a few days ago, and another, i just sort of got out of the habit of -- well, nearly moving, much less opening the blinds!   well, this morning i did, just before i  -- get this ... cleaned my kitchen! :))   .. even after the disappointment that awaited me behind the blinds.   what was it? you may be wondering...   well there's a little back - story to it ...  a few weeks ago, on night , me and soulman were sitting in the living room, it was dark outsided, and we could hear the kids next door in their yard playing.  then we kept hearing what sounded like rocks hitting our kitchen window.. but every time he went out side to look they would hide!   he or i, never did catch them throwing rocks, nor did we notice anything broken.
UNTIL this morning! i opened my blinds and noticed a big old broken/cracked bulls-eye type break in my kitchen window!!  and it's not like we can replace a little panel.  we have to replace the entire giant window -- IF we end up fixing it.  oooooohhhh.  it's taking a lot of back peddling for me -- every time i think about it.   but i am just not gonna let myself get mad about something i know happened weeks ago.  and that i cannot prove to anyone to make them pay for.  it's on us to fix, so why get all ate up about it right?     so .. this is like i was saying yesterday ..  i am trying to get back to who i used to be -- back to the Soul - i used to be.  yep.. shit happens, but i don't have to let it be huge and ruin my day.  i just have to do the next right thing in front of me.  so that's what i did.  i finished my dishes, and the rest of the stuff i had to do .. and here i am .. and when i'm done here - i am gonna go out on this wonderfully unseasonably sunshine filled day and take care of some business :))   when i can assure you all, that even one week ago,  i would have let that window ruin my day.  i would have shut the blinds , sat back in my chair, and cancelled the day altogether.  i would have sat there frown faced and angry until soulman came home from work and made sure to share my misery with him.  unless i had to immediately text him and ruin his day even sooner . 
i didn't do that. 
i just wanted to jump in here and share that with y'all.   i have been living in pure emotionally turmoil for a long while.  i don't know why.  but i do feel it changing..  i feel the tides- a - turnin.  i guess i just want to let -- someone --- know --- if you are having a bad time of things ... even if it's every damn thing ...  just hang in there -- cuz it won't last forever.

don't give up.  it will get better.  

even if you open your blinds and the window is cracked --- it's better than not opening the blinds at all  :))

later y;'all

have happy days in your worlds today --- i will  :))

someone told me i'm still alive -- --

yep - it's true - so , i reckon i should act like it.  some days i sure don't feel very alive.  or maybe i should say that i haven't felt alive, for quite some time.  that is beginning to change.  things have been so very difficult in my world lately.  for many many months actually.  i could go as far as to say close to a year.  and i don't even know why, or how things got so out of hand.  i could blame medications.  changes.  stopping.  starting.  too many.  not enough.  ugh.  i hate taking meds.  depending on meds to stay alive.  or to move. or to sleep.  or to feel normal.  i went off my meds - anti depressants, pain meds , all of it , for a short while. after the horrid withdrawl,  personally, i felt better than ever.  until people around me began to say otherwise.  what an upside down feeling that is -- when you feel and look good to yourself, and the very few people you interact with say 'you look clinically depressed'.  WTF!?  i didn't.  i wasn't.  my family said i looked and seemed ok.  but a doctor - who apparently wanted to sell or keep me on meds, had the nerve to say THAT to me... it just threw me entirely into a downward spiral.  i felt out of sync with the world.  i didn't feel like i could trust anyone. not even myself or my own feelings, mind, or emotions.  i got paranoid and thought everyone wanted me medicated and isolated.  it tore me up inside. 
this has been an awful struggle.  of course i went back on meds.  pain meds, i really can't function without.  anti depressants i went back on.. more for the anxiety than anything else.  anxiety like i had never experienced in my life.  of course the steroids for the addisons disease -- the doctor actually CUT the dose of that, which surely didn't help matters any while under such stress... that has been raised back up to the regular dose... and vitamin D has been added.  my vitamin D levels are Half of what a normal person has on the LOW end.  ugh.  i am a total mess. 
BUT -- things are headed back to normal.  whatever normal means. 
i have threatened to divorce - or run away - or both.  and even went as far as to 'run away' once or twice.  neither time lasted for more than a few days.  but i have been totally confused and lost for a while here.  i have kept my faith in God , and in you all.  knowing that neither will leave me.  and that is what has kept me strong in believing that i will find my way back to myself and to my family ... i knew that 'SOUL" was still in me somewhere, and that i was being brought through some type of strong hard lesson, and would get to the other side --- eventually.  the home front is a lot more stable and comfortable now as well. 
once i learned that i was having medical issues , and not losing my mind, it made it much easier to handle, and gain patience.  for me and my family.  thank God for my husband and my daughter.  they have been so good to me through these passed months.  i have been nowhere easy to live with.  they still see ME in me... when i cannot. 
i'm learning to look at things as a blessing not a curse, and to remember the good and not focus on the bad.  God seems to be 'growing me up".  i see where i have failed him, and where i have left him.  and i see now that nothing began to change for the better in or around me in these situations, until i reached out to Him again.   i have been feeling so alone and isolated - and disconnected from everything and everybody - even myself , that i didn't know who i was, or feel like i fit or belonged anywhere.  it has been the most horrible physical awful feeling i have ever experienced in my life.  and y'all know i have felt pretty damn bad at times. 
well, God didn't leave me, i left Him.  i don't know when or why, or even how.  but i know that it took a lot to get my attention, and a lot of pain to bring me back to him.  but he is back and things are good in my life again.  it's at least gettin that way. i still struggle with anxiety -- but nowhere near as horrible as it was .
funny thing about that?  nothing really happened to make anything go bad -- and nothing really happened to bring it back around.  it's all just been a God thing.
as usual, i make no sense .. i just wanted to check in, and let y'all know , i am alive, and facebook never has enough space for me to babble like i do..  so here it is if you care to see it. 
i miss y;all .  and i still think of each one of ya a lot.
have happy days in your worlds folks -- i plan to :))