IT FEELS LIKE FRIDAY AND I HAVE HAD A HEADACHE FOR FOUR DAYS

WANNA JOIN ME FOR SOME

AND

OTHER STUFF ???

OK THEN, WHOEVER IS STILL HERE, LET'S START WITH THE FACT THAT--- i just noticed that i had my caps lock on. i hate it when i do that. because i am always too lazy to back-space and change it.

that isn't what i was gonna say though. i was gonna say, i have to pee .. and i will be right back. i think i shall get some coffee while i'm up too. cuz i'z tiahd. man, i'm always tired it seems. except when i'm supposed to be. but hey, i'll tell you more about that in a minute, cuz i am about to pee my pants!

ok, i'm back. and, to answer one of smochas many questions from the previous post ; no. i have not gotten a haircut yet. so, it is lookin and feelin similar to the photo above.
i'm just about as frazzled as that cat too. in fact, as i came back to this post a minute ago--- i forgot all about my coffee -- until i read that i was gonna get some. then i had to get back up and get it from the microwave. ugh. my memory is crap lately. well, when has it not been , right? it really is at its worst now more than ever though.

but anyhow, enough of that.
ok, maybe not enough of that. speaking of my poor memory. i began a post the other night, and never got it up here. it's sittin in the draft file right now. i don't even know what it says - i haven't read it. all i know is it was a night that i woke up at like 130, and never went back to bed. ahh yes, maybe the night i burnt my laptop keys. ugh. how stupid is that. anyhow-- i also noted the last couple lines on the post are obviously sleep bloggin lines. heavy heavy sleeping hands, that make no sense. so, now i wonder if i should put it up-- but i will have to read through it before i can decide. but knowing me, if i read it, i won't want to post it. so part of me says to just throw it up here, and let it lay. i wrote it for a reason right? even if i was half asleep.

good Lord i can be stupid sometimes.
ok-- speaking of stupid-- take a look at this picture:

see the dude on the far left?
now, pretend he doesn't look like he's about to vomit --
doesn't he look JUST like soulman????
well.. like twenty years ago??
i think so.
i think so alot.
very weird.
i keep forgettin to put it up here-
i even forgot to show him.
what if it is him?
back in the day. haha.
that would be funny.

alrighteee then , now what? ya want me to just toss my sleep-post up here? ok i will.. but i am not gonna proof read it-- you get it as-is. cuz i'm just lazy like that---

i hope it doesn't mess up this one gettin to that one-- i guess i'll copy and paste it off the draft to keep from messin things up-- i hope.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

(middle of the night monday? maybe tuesday?)

so. have you ever noticed that when you get caught up in your own little world, that sometimes it becomes hard to see anything outside of your own little world? i'm sure you have, but if so, why do you-- or we, keep going back to that?

yes, i am speaking of myself here, in a way. but the thing is, i'm sure i'm not the only one who does it.
i'm a hermit by nature. well, that's not entirely true. i became a hermit over time, but as i became comfortable living that way, it was ok. it was just the way things were. ya. "why don't i put a price tag on that?" it depends on how ya look at it. most men would be happy to have a woman who hated to leave the house, or shop--especially. no fancy clothes, or jewelry, or :out with the girls", or whatever it is "people do'. nope, not me.

ya know, kinda like me... i took the kid to school, came home, picked up the kid from school, came home, perhaps had a dr appointment in the day, cooked dinner - usually before hubby got home from work. i was basically a stepford wife. but in reality--- i was agoraphobic. terrified in a grogery store..forget about a department store. oh and Lord forbid, i enter a mall. i might go into the mall...once a year, for christmas. if i was lucky. or if my kid was persuasive enough.
i don't know what i'm trying to get to here. not a clue. maybe just how far i;Ive come this passed year or so. and then again, how far i have seen my self fall behind in only a few short weeks. pretty wild i think. swingin by in the pendulum. waving right passed normal, i swing by. normal? balance? huh? i never heard of such a thing.


well... speakin of swingin passed balance and shit-- i just passed into the twilight zone.

(back in the now)

(i went ahead and deleted the chicken scratch where i obviously fell asleep at the helm)

maybe i shoulda just left it in the draft file eh? but oh well. maybe whatever it is i was trying to get at will come to me one day and i will finish it up??? who knows. guess we'll find out another day. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

ok folks, how bout we start over???

i think we have all established the fact that i am half outta my mind lately-- but hey-- half, is better than all the way. right? oh and hey-- just the fact that i am posting right now shows that my shrink did not lock me up the other day. that much is good . which reminds me:
a few people had asked what the ole head shrinker had to say...
ya know, she has been my doc since 2000? maybe even 1999. no of course you didn't , but you do now. she's almost like family :)) of course i'm kidding. but people just don't stick around that long in soul-land. of course-- i pay her to stick around, so she doesn't have much of a choice does she. ha!
but anyways-- losin my train of thought here--again. sorry--but as soon as i got there, she gave me the strangest look . i can't even put it into words. i didn't think i looked too awful "bad" that day. i mean i was havin a decent hair day at least. but i was like half seated, and on the way down, and that "look" stopped me cold. so i''m just like holdin the chair arms, and stopped half way down and was like
"what??"
i didn't have a clue as to why she would look at me that way. i wish i could explain it. it was freaky. almost like i had something on my head or face that just did not belong there. ya know? i don't know. but it seemed like a full two minutes passed before she spoke, but i'm sure it wasn't that long. but she finally broke the silence with a chuckle and says..
"you look like you have dark circles under your eyes, i think it's the shadows".
(she's from pakistan, so with her accent it sounded funny)
so i went ahead and sat and i said "it is dark circles under my eyes"
and that's how we began our conversation...
with her wondering "why" ? (i looked so absolutely shitty)




and it ended with me asking for a prescription for pot!
she laughed, and told me she can't prescribe it--- but she would for me if she could. she is so cool. i then asked if she had anything at all she could give me to just make it all go away?? unfortunately, that was a no as well.
but, she did get me to laugh a little and it was good. she also doubled my prozac-- from 40 mg to 80 mg. the highest i've ever gone on prozac was 60 mg. hmmm. hopefully it's gonna help. if not-- she will wean me off of the effexor-- and we shall try something else. i think i'm just a lost cause. i have been on anything and everything at one time or another-- the only thing i have not tried is electric shock. and i'll tell ya--- if i am gonna sit around and cry or be mental all the time? i just may go there. i asked for it once several years ago-- when absolutely nothing would help me. i was so in depression for months and months. but still, my doc-- same one-- didn't want to risk it. but i won't go that long like that again. but-- don't freak yet--- i do have good days on occasion, so i'm not considering it yet. only if i can't dig myself out again. then i might think about it.
anyhow, as i walked out i said "don't be surprised if you find me crying on your doorstep one of these days".
(i have done that before-- like three times, and each time, i was admitted. so, she wasn't sure if she should laugh or not-- but she chuckled , and so did i . then i got in my car, and i cried. dammit. make up my mind would ya??/)

so yep.. that's how things have been goin lately. can't sleep-- or sleep too much. can't eat, or eat too much. can't think--or think too much. don't talk-- or -- yep-- talk too much. (meaning, say the wrong thing to the wrong person.. or whatever.. ya know what i mean? people just don't understand. but-- then again when i keep it all inside-- it makes me stupid. "for lack of a more politically correct term :))

ok, what else. wanna talk about manic for a minute??? as in manic-depressive "manic".
for the first time in my life i am havin the "good" kinda "manic".... only it's not that great. i mean it leaves destruction in its wake. but hell.. when i'm "in it" it's not too bad.
like for instance -- i been shoppin my ass off! i NEVER shop---ever. y'all know that. lately? i been shoppin for days! course i don't have any money, really. so little money, i have even skipped a few bills-- only til tomorrow, so they aren't REAL late... only a few days late. but still... i AM my mothers' daughter. i'm a shoppin fool.



last night.. i maxed out .... as in totally almost within 25.00 maxed out my sears card. remember how i said i was gonna get a little tv for my office? umm, well i did. only i didn't get the little one that i thought i might get. nope. they had one. a simple 13" regular tv. 109.00. i almost got it. but then.... i saw IT. it's still in the box, but tonight or tomorrow- i will show it to you-- but i just HAD to have it. so unlike me. y'all know right? i just don't do that. and i had hubby with me. i thought maybe he would help me control myself. well, he didn't. so i got IT. a 19" HD tv, with a built in DVD player.. that will hook up to my laptop! how friggin cool is THAT???? too cool to return, dontcha think? cuz yep i thought about it. i thought about it all day-----

all day---while i was shoppin :)) at Ross.. and Marshalls -- with my other credit card. :((
it didn't have much left on it-- but it had enough to make me sick for spendin it. it's maxed out again now too. oops. but hey. the office looks mahvelous. Plus, i got some shirts for myself. i never buy myself clothes. i wear clothes i have had for six years! i'm always buyin stuff for the hubby or kid. this time i bought shit for ME.
oh but i got the ugliest shirt ever made. i just don't know what i was thinkin. i have to return it tomorrow. i had to ask soulman if it was really as hideous as i thought it was---- he was speechless ! ROFLMAO!!! i told him , no need. now i know it's awful, if you can't say anything. ugh.
really. it's baaaad. i'll show you it too, before i take it back. ugh. really. wth is wrong with me?
maaaan. maybe i should go to the hospital-----before we go bankrupt !! next thing ya know i'll be hoppin trains across country or some shit. geesh.
but hey-- i don't think i've cried since i left my shrinks office. i think i could get used to this kinda thing. well, as long as i don't end up broke--or in jail. :))

oh and just so ya know-- my "normal -manic" --- is baaaaddddd--- i have never had a episode where it's even remotely fun or exciting. i usually get really really angry-- for no "apparent" reason... and i hate it. and i hate everybody. but not lately. not this time. very strange.
i wonder how long it'll last? i better get to decorating my guest room and stuff--- before it wears off. ya think? :))

i am tired though. i think i will be goin to bed soon. not sayin i'll sleep. never know when that'll happen. seems the more tired i am, the less i sleep. weird huh?

so anyways... i think this post is feelin very long right now--- so i bettah shut thy face.

perhaps i will set up my tv, and re-video my office--- because in answer of another of smochas questions--
nope-- i did not edit the other too long video-- it will take less time and effort to just make a new one---- besides i have more new stuff in here anyways.

so-- i shall return. sometime in the near future.

come back and see me... if you dare.

and bring food!!!!

respectfully request permission to get off my ass , sir!

happy tuesday peoples-- it IS tuesday? ya. ok. dammit. i can't keep a thing straight anymore. ugh.
in case you didn't notice-- last nights' post-- yep-- sleep blogging. sorry. gotta stop that. wth is wrong with me? i just try to keep up with people and seem to just make more of a mess of things. but hey.. i'm workin on that. guess ya couldn't tell by recent posts, but i am.
actually, maybe ya can't tell by anything.. but i am. i really am trying to change things, work on things, make things better. etc etc etc. i just don't know if i'm making any progress. i can only hope that i am.

i had a very interesting conversation with my soulkid yesterday. a few actually. i won't go into detail. but i will say--- i see progress in that kid that is truly amazing to me. WHEN-- or IF- i allow myself to realize just how new she is at this "gettin clean" thing. she's really just a baby. maybe two weeks clean? tops. wow. i remember my first two weeks. and booze is much easier to get than drugs-- or at least i would assume so. who even knows anymore. but i know the temptation is there for her. i know she wants to use. and i know it isn't easy for her to not.
but she isn't, and it's tough. for all of us. her mood swings can be insane at times. but once we realized it was withdrawl, and not some behavioral -- or mental thing.. it's getting easier.
and she is getting easier to talk to-- and with. i am not sayin that i don't think she won't ever use again. but i sure hope she doesn't. i think she has a really good start. she has a good support system. and it was wonderful to talk the way we did together yesterday. not once did she raise her voice to me. that was a first-- in literally months.

so anyways--
that's that on that.


and now--- i have to get the hell UP. i slept late -- again today. that's been hapennin a lot lately. well.. on days i sleep i should say. but i'm talkin sleepin til, 9, noon. that just never happens for me. i am totally exhausted. and like i said-- sleep bloggin lately too. and sleep posting-- of all things last night-- apparently hubby rescued me..again. but hey-- at least i wasn't smokin! :))

but as for now-- soulman is at his ortho appt-- and for all i know they could be puttin a pin in his hand--and here i am, sittin on my dead ass. i didn't go with him, cuz i have ten thousand things to do. things that i am waaaay behind on. such as bills, mailin stuff to people-- that SHOULD have been mailed weeks ago. i STILL have not got a haircut! i started bitchin about my hair at least 6 weeks ago-- just imagine how sick of it i am right now. ugh. but, what do i do? i just sit here and stare blankly at the wall, or the black tv screen.. and do nothing. holy crap. somebody send a cattle prod !

so, for those who care-- i am gonna clean myself up-- run my errands, pay my bills, mail my crap--or "yours" whichever... then come back and clean my friggin sty and do laundry, --- by then it will be time to get my child. then i have to bring her home and get myself to an appointment-- and after that-- the plan is to meet back up with the soul clan, and see a movie and have dinner later after hubby gets off work and picks up z child.

see? the day is full.. and i am still in my jammies. what a laze.


but-- my appointment today is with my shrink-- and i am gonna discuss this med crap-- cuz i really don't think it's workin for shit. i'm just as screwed up as i would be if i wasn't takin anything at all. but-- it's ok. i have a good doc, and she'll take care of me. let's just hope she don't lock me up---
;))
kidding.. i'm not that bad-- anymore. maybe a week ago. but not today.

anyhooooo i really gotta get off me arse and accomplish something. for me.. it seems that is what makes me feel the best. just doing, and seeing, and feeling... something.

i will see you folks later--
happy days to all of you--


bye

you hate me don't you?

awwww, don't look so serious. that's just a thing i say. but you do. huh?don't be hatin. i'm really tryin to get my shit together. but as you can see; it isn't workin out too well. in fact, let's use now as an example. i am soooo tired, i'm simply cross eyed. but am i asleep? obviously not.
then why in the hell am i on the computer? i bet that's your next question. right? well, that would be because, i have already read a magazine, and watched tv. and i have actually napped a little here and there. i just keep waking up. then falling asleep. then waking up. and so on.
it is extremely irritating. but then again, so is the bass (not fish-- music--:)) --coming thru my bedroom wall... and the sound of call of duty on xbox being played--- in the living room-- as it flows into my --- what should be quiet ---- bedroom.
oh stop bitchin. i'm tryin not to. :))
i should get a trophy for complaining queen lately, dontcha think?
really, i'm finally beginning to realize what a whiney little bitch i am. not that realizing it will change anything. but it sure is pissin me off. i think i have actually got so "thirsty", i'm what people in AA call bein on a "dry drunk". i'm just as cry baby , sloppy, poor me about everything. i may as well be drunk.
i don't know know why but it all hit me today. i'm not givin it all away though. i will admit-- some of it is justified. this is some hard shit to deal with. alot of what i'm sayin and feelin, and dealin with, and same with soulman... this is soul hell fo shizzle.
but hey-- i'm gettin pretty sick and tired of waitin for:
soul to come in here and rescue me. or for "dad to tell me what to do".. or to find blame with my mom, cuz i don't know how to be one. or with God, cuz He finds ways to make me struggle.
it gets damn old sittin on your ass waitin for shit to change. do y'all realize that?
and you know-- i have a habit of cleaning-- or as you see-- decorating--- or at times-- fishing-- or other time consuming, energy sucking tasks--- to take my mind off things. just for a while. which actually end up costing me days of sleep-- several meals--- an occasional friend or two--- and sometimes what little sobriety i have managed to hoard up. among other things.
sooooo---- as i was sittin here-- or should i say, layin here, trying to put my tired ass to sleep, my mind of course is goin 300 miles an hour, and making that simple feat impossible. so, i began to listen to what "i" had to say.
ya know, i make some good sense sometimes, if i listen. :))

well, when i can hear myself over the techno beat and the c'mon, you suck of the xbox man.
ugh.
did someone say road trip? hmmm.
lesssssrroooollll!!!
you drive-- i'll sleep!!!!

ok folks-- now tthat i have made absolutely not one lick-a-sense
i thik i shall try once more to go to sleep. i'm way too old for this not sleepin shit. ugh that reminds me-- i had a mental moment today -- driving soulkid to the doctor! we've been there 5 times---- but half way there, wth do you think happened? i totally got LOST! i could not figure out where i was or how to get there from where i was.
i knew as much to know that i was at the mall.. and my child was totally freakin out thinking i was not comin out of "this one"..
but "it came to me"-- with a little help from my soulkid-- and the old GPS-- that she thought to get out and program.
omg-- poor kid.

she had a good day today btw --- just in case you're wondering. i'm proud of her. she is doin good .
tryin real hard. so if you happen to be one that is prayin for her-- thanks, and keep it up, please.

i must sleep now.
see you manyana---

it's another outta my mind monday

(i'll organize these pics better later--- it explains whaddup later in the post-- you can click on the pix to make emm bigger iff'n ya want ta)

happy day to ya--
aaahll be baaaack.














howdy peeps...

hope y'alls monday isn't feelin too monday-ish.
boy, mine sure is.... here's one reason why----


yep. that really is MY laptop. :((
i woke up last night after little to no sleep. and for whatever reason, stayed up. i went to bed around 1130-ish. i think. at least that's when i took my meds and layed down. then something woke me up at about 130 a.m. i got up and checked on the girls-- surprisingly, they were sleeping. i decided to have a cigarette. with intentions of going back to bed. but that didn't happen. i ended up online-- and i couldn't even really tell you what i was doin on there. some of you maybe could, if i ended up at your place, but hell if i know.
the only way i even know i was online is cuz i burnt the hell out of my keyboard !!! (see above? )
never, ever, have i done that before. i guess i'm gonna throw some clear nail polish on the keys that burned and hope it prevents any peeling--- but with my luck it will only make it worse. i can't think of anything else to do do though.

one thing good about it? i could have stayed in bed for that cigarette and burned up the whole house with everyone in it, right?
my goodness, i gotta stop the smokin in the middle of the night. even when i don't "think" i'm tired.... like last night-- if ya think about it-- i was up and smokin and doin God knows what only a couple hours after takin 3 xanax and a couple muscle relaxers ! people have been known to drive-- and not even know it-- in that condition. i could see ME doin somethin like that. only cuz i am me. i just have luck like that. hell, knowin me , i'd prolly end up at the pond or some shit someday-- swimmin with the fishes--- only i'd be belly up. :))

someone just put me outta my misery would ya???


nah, i don't mean it that way. things are not so bad this last day or so. i guess writing about it helped me-- not that it makes it right to lay it out there for y'all-- i do know it's not "normal", in fact it's creepy and down right strange, for a person to "talk that way". but really, i am the type of person that when i "talk"-- or write something that has me in its grips-- it really does kinda lose it's power over me. and that's what happened when i wrote all that mental stuff. sometimes if i just get it outta my head, it helps. so i hope none of you got too upset over it. it is never ever my intent to upset any of you.

ok.. now i've lost my train of thought.
i'm trying to kill time as my office video uploads to utube so i can put it up here. yes, i did decide to video tape it. forgive me if you hate it. i was sleep deprived-- and like i said-- most likely a little on the over medicated side too. but it does show more detail than the pix.
but i spose i will put pix up too-- for the folks who can't handle the time or voice of the tape.


anyhow.. i really really wanna go back to bed-- but i have so much to do today i can't even stand the thought of it. i reckon i'll get back to you though on if i actually DO anything--or go to bed though. cuz the child has an appointment at 4--and another from 6 til 8. so with my entire evening booked solid? i think i really should get at least a few hours sleep before running myself down too awful much. the mono still takes a lot of my energy.
the familiy managed to get by without getting sick, so i am guessing i have passed the contagious
stages.. PHEW... so now i just really need to keep resting while i can, so i don't relapse. at least that's what the ole doctah say.

well, alrighteee then. i spose i am out of stuff to say for now.. lemmee get some pics up and check the video--- hope you likee.


and i hope you all have really good days today.

CRAP! utube finally finished my video-- BUT said it was too long to publish. just peachy.


oh well.. here's some photos.. for now. maybe later i will edit the video to make it shorter- maybe not. we shall seee. but for now-- i think i will go have a nap.

EEErrrggghhh !

hi folks...

i know it's a bit late to bother writin now-- anyone who was gonna stop by prolly did already for the day--- thanks btw--- but anyhow, for those who haven't - or if it's mornin, or whatever--

here i am. and hi--

man that's all a bunch of stupid stuff eh... anyhow--- i feel like crap, in case you wondered. hope you feel good. i was starting off with this post with what was sposed to be pix of my newly finished office. aren't they lovely?? ya, i thought so too. soon as i went to shoot photos, i found out my battery was dead. just one of the little joys that comes with parenthood i reckon. at least i got the camera back in one piece. guess i shouldn't complain too much.

so anyways. yep-- my office is complete. all the way down to my shadow box on the wall.
now i'm thinkin i want to get a little tv to put in here. when you see the pix you'll know what i mean, but the way this place is built makes it hard for there to be full silence from the house in here, cuz above the doorway, is a opening like bigger than my body. maybe 3x7 or so. i don't know why they build places like this. maybe so it would be like a dining room, and not a room all it's own. i don';t know , but i need to find a way to block that hole. i have been in here the entire day and i wish i could have not heard any of what i've been hearing. my daughter is on a cussing kick. no idea why-- but she is saying really bad things. kinda like a tourettes person--- well, if they really are like the one i saw on dr Quincy almost a million years ago. ugh. but ya. anyhow. it's lovely. and apparently someone smells like a burnt asshole, just so ya know. :))

then, aside from her-- oh btw-- no she isnt just running around the house cussing-- she has a friend here. makes it a little less weird, but not much.
so anyhow--- soulman, with his broke ass hand, doesn't seem to be havin any trouble playin xbox live call of duty 4.... and cussing. ughugh ugh ugh ugh.

now picture it-- he did finally succumb ,l somewhat to my bitching about the noise of that game---- so he bought some headphones for it , right? so now , i don't hear the game itself being played, no guns, bombs, etc etc..... now , all i hear is-- just wait you fuckin bitch. shit. oh c'mon. all kindsa stupid crap---- for houuuuuuuuurrrs. and hooooouuuuuuuuuuuuurs.

imagine yourself sitting quietly, sorting papers, or hanging a picture, and suddenly you hear-- for no apparent reason.. among all but silence----- c'mon you fuckin bitch!!!!! cory's a fuckin burnt asshole !!!!!

OMG somebody just kill me!! right now would be good. i wouldn't mind. really.
i swear. i'm goin crazy enough as it is. do you think i need the added cussing and anger just free flowing through the house, when i am just minding my own business???
it really is very strange and upsetting. it affects my mood. and no one is even talkin to me or lookin at me.. it's just the "c'mooooon you fuckin bitch! wtf!!!"

i think i'll just croak. right here in my nice office. :))
actually all i planned on sayin was i was gonna take pix but my camera died. oh and also i was gonna say it would look better if i did a video of it--- but my gawd---- if you guys heard the music, and the cussing behind me-- you'd --- i don't know what you'd, but i'd have to explain. ugh
well.. now i don't, just in case i do decide to film it . it's hard to get a good pic of a entire room.

but anyhow-- i had no clue what time it was til i sat down here---- and i am sooooo thrilled to know that i can go to bed now!!!!!

i shall be around in z mornin.

goo-night

ps--- SMOCHA--- when you comin????
i'll fix up your room next -- but i'm savin the kitchen for YOU bwahahahahahaha

talk to the hand (saturday 2)

WELP -- IT'S OFFICIAL.


(BUT DON'T ASK ME WHY THAT'S BLUE)

soulman went to the doc today -
his hand is definitely broken.
they splinted and wrapped it.
then referred him to ortho---
they said ortho may re-break, and then do surgery and pin it--
can we say OWWWWCH !?

men.

well, not just men, i guess i have done it myself a time or two.
just the way things are goin right now i reckon.
i reckon it could be worse.
coulda been that punk ass boys face right?
too bad it wasn't.
but at least the wall didn't put him in jail.
it was actually the fridge. (sigh) who knew?
not me. not til he got back from the dr and i asked
what the wall looks like.
perhaps i should go look at the fridge eh?

anyhow.

pretty slow day around here today--
whatchoo been up to???

where have all the fishies gone?

a lot of you have seen this, but many haven't. so here it is.
(again). i haven't watched it in a long time myself. but it just goes to show-- that we have overcome some pretty bad times in our life and years together (hittin 17+ now) -- and i have to believe that we will get beyond this too. we have to, right?

happy saturday folks--
i'm gonna finish up my office today and get a pic up-- sometime. doesn't need much more than the floor and dusting now. i ran outta gas yesterday before i got all the way done.

i shall try to get some cruisin done after a while-- i have realized-- i haven't paid bills in a while. oopsy!




Untitled from brezz on Vimeo.

still friday----

and it still sucks... but i just thought i'd check in with ya... even tho it is the weekend and it'll prolly be slow around here til monday.
anyhow-- i haven't taken a pic of my office yet-- but i will.
i did go fishin today, but only for a while, about an hour. didn't catch anything. i don't think i even got a bite. not sure what's up over there. the fishin is nothin like it was last year. remember some of those fish i hauled out of there last summer? damn, i bet i had 4 and five pounders almost every day. at least limits of 3 pounders. wonder wth happened. maybe someone started keepin em outta there or somethin?? dunno. sure is no fun to go over there and not catch fish though.
anyhow. i picked up soulkid after school. she told me that a kid died of a heroin overdose. i guess last night. she didn't know him, but she knew of him. i guess she had seen him around etc. i hope it was a wake up call for her. or a reminder. here we are with another weekend in front of us, and she wants to go places and see her friends, and i of course want to chain her to her bed, or keep her with me- under me the whole time. i know i can't though. and it surely sucks.
i think my ulcers busted through again. when i was fishin i got the most awful belly ache in the world-- it still hasn't stopped. erg.
if i woulda known then , what i know now--- i woulda got fixed after number two. this is like havin acid dripped slowly on every inch of my body.
somebody make it stop.

and enjoy your weekend :))

i really am gonna try.
i have been through worse. at least she isn't underground. right? every day she's above ground-- we'll call a good day. or something.

i'll be back tonight or tomorrow --- hopefully with something not so drab to talk about.

i miss my dad

he would know just the right thing to say or do right now. i don't know why i think that. i just do.
i barely knew him really. i spent little time with him in my life. but i sure wish i could have one hour with him today.

he died before soulkid was born. but i just know that he would have been really good for her. and her for him. my dad had four daughters. me, smocha, and two others from a first wife. he was cheated out of watching all of us grow , marry, everything. each relationship he had with any of us girls was formed or mended within his last couple years of life. he told me of his regrets of that... and how he would have changed it if he could have. well, i would have changed it too-- if my mother didn't make him out to be the devil for the first 20 years of my life. i hate her for that. out of every terrible thing she said or did to me--- i hate her for costing me my father.

it's too late now. he's gone. and i can't change that. but i know he was a smart man. a loving man. and i know that he would know just what to say or do to help my kid right now. because i sure don't.

i don't know anything, except that my little family is not anything like i ever thought it would be right now. and i don't know how to fix it.

hubby may have broke his hand last night. he punched a wall. stupid, yes. he knows it too. but really, it looks pretty bad, and he has to see a dr today for it.

we're all just fallin apart here. the soul ship is sinking, and i am afraid that it won't be salvageable.

yesterday, i pretended i was alive and i decorated my office. finally, after living here for almost a year. i put my nautical things and some pictures out etc. today i need to vacuum the floor and maybe i'll put up a pic. the nautical theme is from my dad. and a lot of the things i have were his. he is on my mind a lot.

i think i may pretend to be alive again today and hit the pond for a while. i feel like a sack of rice still, and i bet i could go back to bed for the rest of the day--- but i can't keep doin that. i have to live. i can't let this kill me, altho i do feel dead already.
maybe if i get this shithole cleaned up, get all the damn dirty laundry on my kitchen floor washed and outta there.. and pretend that i have a life-- just maybe i will feel like the next breath is worthwhile... but if i keep on sittin around here, waiting for the next horrible thing to happen, nothing is ever gonna get better.

this is makin my head hurt. i'll be back later.
sorry i'm not keepin up with your comments or pages-- i am readin tho-- and i appreciate every one of you !

one of these days i'll be me again. i hope.

there's a black rose in texas today

not even gonna think before i say a word.
cuz i have no idea what to say anyhow. it's been that way for quite some time. as most of you have prolly noticed.
at this point in my life i just can't even say what's wrong with me anymore. and i am so tired of guessing, wondering, and waiting for it all to change.
it seems just a few months ago i was doing better physically, mentally, maybe even spiritually, than i had been in literally years.

and then something happened, something changed. maybe a lot changed, but i don't know which came first.

was it the seizure? the first one? the second one? was it problems with soulkid? other relationship problems? or was it just me? things do happen to me sometimes. but i will tell you, this passed at least six months have been horrible for me. mentally i mean. physically, not so great either-- but i can live with that. it's the mental stuff that i cannot handle. i haven't been this bad off mentally --- consistently-- in a very long time.
i went thru a med change after the first seizure in march. i think ever since then i have been in hell. but i can't say that that is why. because a lot of other things changed about then too.

march is my son's death anniversary month. also my daughters birthday month. it's a time i struggle with every year. but it hasn't been a "bad" month in several years. until this year.
i'm not sure, but i think i drank in march of this year. not much-- a couple beers. for those who don't know-- i'm "supposed to be" in recovery. but i'll tell you what-- i'm doin nothin but white knuckling it lately. for months actually. a couple months ago--- i left, we were all having problems here-- i think it may have been before i even knew my kid was using, but i knew other things. i knew she was lying , and sneaking out at night, and i couldn't sleep, and i was depressed, and life was just a bitch. i told her i was going to visit my sister in arkansas--- i told my husband-- i have to go away for a couple days. but i had a plan that neither knew about.
that no one knew about actually. but it didnt work out. the funny thing about that? i -- of my own will power, strength, whatever-- I had nothing to do with the way that night turned out.

i've only told two people of this. one being hubby-- and i only told him like two days ago. before that, he only knew part of it-- the part that i couldn't find a hotel room.. or at least one that i could smoke in.

anyhow-- i'm beginning to think this may have been in july-- because i remember that being a real hard time for me too. regardless--- i left here around noon that day. i had plans to leave earlier-- something held me up--i just dont remember what. but i left-- with absolutely zero idea of where i was headed. (remember, i am bi-polar-- but i have never done this--- unless i went to the cemetary in arkansas -- and each time i've gone there i have managed to stay sober)... anyhow... i thought that i might stay close to home-- at least within 30 miles or so--ish. y'all know i have NO sense of direction. and in my mind... all i wanted was to drink. i wanted to get beyond inebriated. and let nature take its course. MY nature being-- me plus alcohol = extremely suicidal. especially if i already have those thoughts. which i did. and as for a plan to carry it out? of course i had one. or two. i always have a plan. just never the guts. unless i'm drunk. the one time i did attempt it sober-- i was 15 years old. there have been other attempts. i was either "found-- or got help.

so anyways--- i ended up driving around DFW for hours-- like four hours-- before i saw a sign for Waco. for some reason that's where i headed. i had my fishing gear, and remembered there is a lake there-- so that's the direction i went. the entire time, having a six pack of beer in the trunk of my car. this was the first time in my life-- my driving years--- like since 15-- that i had beer in a car-- and did not drink and drive. that in itself was beyond my control... i believe that. i know that in my own power i would have popped it open cold and drank it til it was gone. i would have ended up with a DUI-- or in an accident-- killing or injuring myself or someone else.

during all these hours of driving i had attempted to check into several hotels. i actually did manage to get a room, in waco. even unloaded all my crap from the car--including like 6 fishing rods..and of course the beer. i could taste it.
i was just about to open one-- when i realized there was no ashtray---- i called the office to see if i could smoke--they said no. also there would be a 200.00 fine if i did. i checked the window of course-- but wouldn't ya know it-- it wouldn't open!

so--- i left- what sense does that make??? my plan was to die that night-- but i was worried about a fine. so-- like i said , i left. she said there was a smoking room next door. it was a crappier hotel, but i figured i would check. i drove over there-- and it was CREEPY. dark and scary lookin. so i kept goin.

the next one i stopped at--- there were three guys in the parkin lot standing by a truck just hangin out smokin and drinkin beer. uh uh. i kept goin.
i had no freakin clue what was past waco--or how far i would have to drive to get there. so i headed back towards home. i checked one or two more hotels... they either didn't have smoking rooms-- or they were plain full.--or creepy lookin. i kept goin.

the next thing i knew--- i was thirty miles from home and it was almost ten pm. i still had a hot six pack of beer in my trunk. and i was tired. and sore, i had no pain meds. i havent driven ten hours in years. i didnt even know it was possible for me to do. but there i was. i checked one last hotel. i told myself if they didnt have a room i was goin home. i went in... they had a room, but it was non smoking. i walked out to my car-- got the beer-- sat it on the counter--- and i said to the clerk
"i guess i'm not supposed to drink this, you can give it to someone else". and i left, and i came home.

i don't know why or how things turned out that way. nothing in the world has ever kept me from drinking and driving. before or after "sobriety". which btw-- if i would have stayed sober "this time".. i would be over 17 years without a drink. but it didn't pan out that way for me. i made it to eight.... lost my second son, quit going to meetings-- lasted a short while, and that was that. i don't know how many times i've drank since, but somehow i manage to quit for a few years in between binges, and stop again. but usually not without incident. except the last time. i don't know why i didnt drink more than 2 that day. guilt? fear? all i know is it just didnt taste good.
i don't know.

but i sure am damn thirsty now. my next drink is 90 seconds away. but how in the hell can i get drunk... while my own kid is trying to get clean??? i can't . and i always know that my next drink may also be my last.

my coping skills really suck. i know that. and i know that being so sick and tired on top of being so angry and depressed is only making everything harder for me. so i keep holding on , and waiting for something-- anything to change. but nothing is.

my girl said she's not ready to get clean... then she says she is. and i know that there is not a damn thing i can do to keep her from usin. they sell the shit on the fuckin school bus. of all places. the school bus! yes--- i have been drivin her again since i found out. doesn't mean they don't sell it in the bathroom at school though. i can't chain her up. the kid has to live. i don't know how to do this. i never ever thought that i would be facing this. i don't know if i can. but i have to.

i have felt helpless, and angry, and alone before in my life. but i have never felt like this. when my babies died... it was very different. one was sudden. i woke up and he was dead. the second... was a most excruciating "decision"... late in the pregnancy. it destroyed me , and i have never been the same. but THIS. i swear to God, THIS is eating me alive. and i don't know how much more i can take. she says she is clean, she does get piss tests once or twice a week... she was positive over two weeks ago--but not since.
she is fourteen years old. what the hell? i just dont get it. she wont even tell us how long she's been using. i know it didn't get out of hand until school let out. that;s when things became obvious. she got careless, we found things, we caught her in lies, we could tell she was stoned--even though she denied it when i would ask. yep-- that's how obvious it was... "are you on drugs!?" "ummm no" well of course she's gonna lie.

dammit! if i could go back--- i woulda done something different. i would have acted on my suspicions. i would have used the drug test kits i bought... and never did.
i would have waited outside and busted her sneakin out--or whoever was coming in at night--- but i didnt. maybe i would have called the police--or did a room search much much sooner than i did.
i didn't want to face it. i couldn't. and even when i knew-- i waited way to long to act on it.
i waited until she got caught stealing. twice. and then threatened suicide.

and now-- here i am, knowing that maybe things could be a little different.
maybe if i would have trusted my instincts more--and acted on them... instead of being in denial.... and using the "not my kid" strategy... maybe i could have stopped this before it was full blown addiction.
maybe not.

but now. now what? now what happens to her? me? soulman?

i swear he almost had a heart attack the other night. i thought he was gonna drop dead on the floor. y'all know he's overweight. this is killin him too. and the other night-- he couldn't even hardly breathe. he was just so upset with all of this.

i'm just afraid that one or all of us are gonna just die.
soulkid with drugs
soulman have a heart attack or somethin
and y'all know-- any multitude of things could kill me on any given day. natural or not. of course-- doin myself in i know is not an option. i truly wish it could be. it's nearly a daily thought lately. but i love my family and others way too much to cause that much pain. one thing i'm not-- or at least believe myself to not be-- is selfish. call me anything you want-- but selfish really gets to me. because that's one thing i know that i am not. cuz i really hate the way i feel.... all the way around. and at this point i don't know how to change it. every breath i take is a struggle. i can't stop crying. i can't stop thinking. i can't stop anything. i can't accomplish anything. i really do just want to run away. get away. see something different. do something different. think about something different. feel something different. i can't live like this much longer. i really don't think i can.


i apologize for this post--- i'm mental and i know it. writing is what i do sometimes to just let things out. i could delete this right now-- but i won't do that. because one of these days-- when things are good again... i can look at this and say remember that day you wanted to die?

so anyhow--- i'm praying for you and your kids today---
and i'm praying for those who are strong and fighting to live when their life is good and at its end.
and also for those who's life is suckin and they want nothing more than to die, and can't.
what irony is that?

you see or know people with families who have cancer and they fight and fight to live ...only to be cut short and cheated of a life they love.

and you see or know people who suffer with pain or depression for years and years and for some reason, no matter how much they want it to end their life continues with only short periods of sunshine before they merely live to die again, but can't.

i will never understand it. not in my life or that of people i have known and loved who have died young , loving the life God gave them. never.

thinkin out loud

do y'all think that's true?

ahh great-- the lovely mysterious underlining. hmm.

anyhow. back to what i was saying.
don't panic... yet. i don't own a gun. and hubby sold his a couple months ago. so for now-- no worries.
but-- just for a consensus, i have to ask...

as a mother-- if some asshole got your kid hooked on drugs--- she being 14--- and him being 18 ! would you not want some justice? i'm not saying i want to go as far as to shoot the kid. but i swear i do want something . and so does soulman. i have asked around. i have a phone number, i know where he lives, i know his first and last name. and the rest would be easy.

problem being---- he lives with some other 14 year old girl and her family ! wtf is wrong with THAT picture? ugh. it just makes me sick. but again the only way that we could approach him, is on their property. then what? WE would be the ones to get in trouble if something got out of hand.

there are ways i --we could find him away from the house-- i know where he hangs out-- and i also know that he takes these young girls to a 17 and up club in frickin dallas-- with fake id's-- mine was one of them!

i am in such a boilin rage against this guy. and i have never even seen him. but he has been in my house-- taken my kid all over dfw, broke her heart, broke her spirit, got her addicted to drugs, but i don't know what he looks like. is that not the most fucked up thing ever?
of course-- she told us he was 15 for months-- until about three weeks ago--maybe four-- that's when she finally said he was 18. every day i get more pissed.

i can't be mad at her anymore. not for what has already been done. she is working on her. the best way she knows how. i do see an improvement too. everyone knows the first step is admitting a problem.. she has done that. she does what we put in front of her. i know that must be awfully hard at her age-- and especially for soulkid-- y'all who have been around a while know just how hard headed this girl can be.

which brings me back to this boy. i'm so enraged at him. and so is hubby. most of you have seen my hubby in pix. he is a very large man. he could step on this guy and kill him. one punch to temple? dead. one slap to his fuckin pierced lip? i'd pay to see it. but, we know we can't do that. and it's so hard not to.

i could survive in prison. i've been in hospitals, i've been on isolated duty in the navy, i've been a recluse in my own home for months and years at a time. i can live that way, and be ok. i believe that. i'd miss fishin. hubby would visit. :)) someone else said they'd send me stuff. what have i got to lose?

it's so hard not to think about . but i'm sure there has to be another way to do something about this. i just don't know what it is.

so--- now that i have babbled on about nothing...

what would you do?

ok maybe i do got somethin--

earlier today, obviously after the other post-- if that's what ya call it. i got a call from my dr.
friday when i went in for the follow up on the bronchitis, she did some labs to se why the antibiotics weren't helping.
well, wanna know why? cuz guess what? i have mono. yep. i do.
i bet you wonder how in the world a person my age would get mono. right? well. so do i. no idea.
hmmm. but , that explains a lot of why i feel so crappy-- for so long. i'm over two weeks now.. close to bedridden.
hubby and kid? healthy as a couple of horses. me?


today i had to cancel plans with jlee for the second time. two weeks ago, we were supposed to have lunch.. i emailed to cancel, cuz that was the day i woke up sick with this crap.
then today after the doc called-- i had to cancel again.. just in case i'm contagious.

no vegas, no jlee... no fishin... hell i haven't hardly even cleaned my house or done laundry-- grocery shopped..none of that crap.. in two weeks. and if there's no cure-- like the internet says.. i could feel all saggy and tired and crappy like this for another 2 or 3 weeks.

not to mention all the other shit goin on around here.

this really really sucks.

i tried to read today-- didn't work.
even tried to write.. that didn't work either.
tried to cruise blogs-- nope-- got nowhere.

what DID i do???
i slept. alot.

what am i doin now?
fixin to go to sleep.
well, if the meds decide to work. i took em anyhow.
so we shall see.

welp, i reckon that's all i got.
kinda hard to find stuff to write when ya don't move, or think, or talk to anybody.

it really seems like a lot is changing around here. like everything. and all at the same time. and none of it's good, or stoppable. and i don't know what to do about that.

so, i reckon i shall just go to bed. and see if tomorrow is any different.

i soooo got nuthin today

if you could see how i feel---
this would be it--

i swear i just get dumber by the day

yes , it's true. and here i am. so. lemmee tell you about the last day or so. yep, i lost track. seems to happen, on occasion.

anyhow-- anyone who's read a few days back knows i've had bronchitis for over a week...almost two weeks now.
i spose y'all would also know my kid has been in a bind, and in some trouble lately too.

well.. i guess it was friday night.. same day i had my follow up at the dr. for the bronchitis. which was trying to clear up, but i still felt like hell. she gave me different antibiotics, and prednisone-- ooh boy--- my family is really gonna love me on a few days== PMS AND roid rage ! woo hoo!! (let's not forget i already take a different steroid for addisons.. so i will surely be quite the bitch... as if i'm not naturally bitchy enough as it is. )

so anyhow. soulkid, on top of being hospitalized, and grounded and all sorts of crap-- we decided to cut her some slack and let her hang out --or well, let a couple friends, hang out with her. so we took them to the mall, while we ate dinner.. then brought them all back here for the night. of course they had fun.. but it was a big mistake on our part. i was unable to sleep. at all. not one second. hubby was up til about 2 ish. we were just nervous that they would sneak out--or make trouble...again. so even though i loaded up on my sleep meds.. i was wide awake all night long.

so , i somehow managed to kill the entire night --and part of the morning-- online, and doin other stupid stuff. then sometime in the morning, i got the bright idea to sort tackle. OMG , one of these days i'll have to take aq picture of my tackle. it's just stupid. for the little pond? yep-- it's overkill. so-- what i thought might take an hour -- ended up taking like three hours... then i went fishin. by then it was aLready almost noon! i was so tired i was blind. but, i still, forced myself to go. thinkin the fresh air would do me good.

well, i don't think it did. i fished about an hour and a half or so-- got one bite and missed it. it was almost 90 degrees, i was hot and tired and sick, and blah. i could have laid on the grass and gone to sleep. good lord i was tiahd.

but i made it home, and went pretty much right to bed, after a quick run scan thru here. and my email. looks like i posted here at 3-- i woke up this morning at 130 !!! i woke up many times between 11 and 130--- but still. that is like the longest i have slept in .. .. i don't know, but a LONG time. and i coughed my heart out half the night. i guess layin down so long allowed me to collect all the crap back into my lungs. ugh. i woke up in such pain i can't even tell you. i guess it might compare to bein beat with a baseball bat about the back and head??? perhaps? seriously. i feel like hammered dog shit.

AND to top it off? i was sittin here havin my first cup of coffee and cigarette, trying to collect my thoughts and figure out wth had happened over thee last few days. i really did lose track of time-- and i still have three kids here. :))
but then , i realized something.... somethin really really sucky.
and stupid.
very stupid.

y'all remeber how i was (we were) sposed to go to vegas to meet jamie and her fam??? and, how we cancelled etc?
well, guess what????
i did cancel mine and hubby's plane tickets and hotel... but guess what i FORGOT to do?? that yesterday while sleeping my life away was my last chance to do???? i forgot to cancel my nephew....slash soul kid-sitter-- s - $333..00 plane ticket !!!!!

yep $ 333.97 i believe
now do you see it aint lucky???
if he doesn't wake up today and decide to visit regardless of us being here or away-- well, we're out, not only that 333.00 but also the 300 .00 it cost to cancel mine and hubbys'.

can we say owwwwwch!!???

how bout STOOPID!!!???

ok, well that's enough for now. i'm roasting, and out of coffee. just wait til the roids kick in. LOL
if i go missing--- check the lake! hubby may throw me overboard!

have happy days today--

if you think you're a bad mom--- watch this

i dare ya not to laugh :))


i guess todays mini post is in belows post comment box..
cuz i'm just lazy like that.

happy -- someday- :))

guess what????

it's 3:33

one more day

hi all--

well, i don't think i even know what to say. so many had such nice things to say. as usual. i don't know why i get so damn insecure sometimes. i wish i wasn't this way-- but i just am.

that was not an easy post to write. it took three or four days to finish. i don't know why the stupid car story got tossed in there-- it woulda saved a whole day-- but y'all know how i can ramble on sometimes. i almost cut it out-- and maybe i should have -- just to save it for a i have nuthin to say day.. but i left it. sorry it was so long.

it's good to know that i am not alone. some of you who i "talk to" have either been where i am.. or are there. i wish you weren't, believe me. but really, it helps to know that i still have you to support me. i sure need it .

so anyhow-- i guess i will keep this short today-- i'm sure some of you are still recovering from the last one. --- which reminds me-- no one was singled out in my there's the door rant. it's just the way things are right now. i can't help the way i feel. i just can't handle any more bullshit-- ya know?
that's all that was about. i guess when i feel deserted.. i open the door for others to leave too. a bad way to be , i know. maybe someday i will learn how to change that in me.

so anyways--

i hope you all have happy days in your worlds today

flyin blind again, but here i am - am and pm- and another a.m - and so on..erg

howdy folks,
another monday has befallen us. isn't that thrilling? not sure what it means to you, just means more catch up for me though. well, that, and alarm hell. i spent the better part of the past week in my bed with bronchitis. i'm pretty much guaranteed a bout with that about once a year-- but i think this is my second go round, and not a fun one. and let me add, i got quite a bit of extra nagging with this round as well. y'all know i love to get nagged at. yep-- mainly about smoking.
even though i cut back from almost three packs a day to half a pack... which is like a miracle-- even if it was painful, and any normal person wouldn't want to smoke -- or probably attempt to at all... i thought i was doin ok. apparently not. and y'all know there aren't that many to nag at me, so it has been a quite stressful 6 or 7 days.... and on top of feelin like shit in other ways.




but, could... can.. i defend myself? ummm no. i could barely talk without choking my guts up--- much less attempt to argue over something so stupid as smoking. well, til last night. then it was really bad timing, and really just stupid, well, except that i was once again smoking in bed---and i just didn't even want to deal with nagged at for it. ugh. i was almost asleep anyhow-- all i wanted was to go to sleep-- and the lecture began. along with the sighs and other crap. ugh. don't y'all think there is more important shit happening around here than me smokin a little too much? or havin one last smoke-- even if it was in bed? well, i do. so save the lecture for a time when i'm not hangin off the edge. k? cuz i really didn't need it.



ok, so here we are again.. it is now TUESDAY morning. and a third, hopefully not as lousy attempt at a post. just gimee a break an roll with it, cuz ya gotta gimmee at least some credit for tryin right? i know i haven't been makin much sense lately. several of you have made that quite clear. even though i kinda knew i was just throwin shit out there. but sometimes i really do just need to write, only becuase i need to write" and for no other reason than that. for those who stick with me i really appreciate ite it. and for those who just can't understand it and think i'm mental, well, that's cool too, i reckon. i hear it a lot lately. online and face to face--- it seems NO ONE understands me. and i've known that for a very long time. it just seemed that lately i guess i thought i knew more people, so maybe at least someone would get it. but i am still too fragmented, and cryptic. or just flat too afraid to let it all out. and that's ok too. it has too be,
i'm sure none of you let all of you out to shine your entire self show exposed here. it's too vulnerable. too open, and bloody raw.




y'all know things about me, and i know you can accept some of it. you can deal with it the best you can, and you have already accepted me with it for it, etc.
some other things, too many just don't get. and that is the part or parts that i need to leave out of here. find somewhere else to put it. there are places i could talk about it. with others who truly know what it's about. people who need to assume, or guess, or get scared, or run off. or worst of all fear me for some reason. trust me , i am nothing to be afraid of. that's one thing for sure.
the worst thing i've done to anyone is break a heart or two. not intentionally. but it happens.

most of what i'm dealing with lately has been contained within the walls of my home. not that it's where all the "incidents" occurred", but the dealing with, ok, arguing about, trying to put straight, failing, and falling apart.. it's all happening, where we should all be the most comfortable. but instead, this is where we do the most damage to each other, and ourselves. shit-- you'd think after 16 years of marriage , two forty - somethings could handle a fourteen year old kid. well, it's just not been that easy. it's been a close to daily issue with this in one way or another for months. and has more than taken its toll on each of us in more ways than one.
but what the hell do we do about it now?
it seems , in my hubbys recent analogy-- we are like a triangle-- sometimes these two points pull together and work, others these two, at times each point pulls away only working for itself.. we get no where doing things that way until we all pull together equally, we will never be a perfect triangle. and we won't. the worst thing-- you'd expect a kid to be rebellious and pull away, not give a damn, expect mommy and daddy to fix everything for them. right?
or maybe the man-- sometimes the only "bread winner".. to go to work, that's his job right.??
which leaves mom... supermom.. to keep everything else together. fix the probs, fix the fam, pay the bills, cook, clean, keep track of her own umpteen million drs every month, be sick and mental at the same time, but walk over top of that to get the others taken care of first.
UNTIL, she can';t any more.
and even when given a break, or reprieve-- she is so guilt driven... she still can't stop for her-- no matter how right or wrong. what about he or she?? mom stil has to take up for them, do for them. gotta do this, must continue that. go get this, get her that, ugh she just needs more time. just need more time. she constantly runs until until she's beat. until her body and her mind force her to stop. whether she wants to or not.
a person like this gets lost. resentful, angry, cold, and bitter. feels overlooked, invisible and taken for granted. and soon, once overwhelmed, becomes stalled out like a twenty year old pinto ! haha . ahhh my cursed pinto. memories. really, it had the curse too. it was stolen once, recovered , pretty well strippped, no sun roof, stereo , etc. i fixed it back up-- and twice after-- it was broken into TWICE more !! both guys guys busted tho-- the thiefs who stole it never did, but they used it for paint and construction and ruined it.
soooo---eventually.. as i tried to sell it once for real cheap--like 3-400 as is.. the good thing about the car? it had a new engine-- and camshaft -- so just the motor and rebuilt tranny i had put on it was worth that... good sale gone bad. i went to get the rest of the money one day-- my mom and neice in the pinto :))// and me following in my lil izuzu pup behind them.. we are driving out of the parkin lot, and the folks decide they want their "non-refundable" deposit" back. so we tried to0 haggle, but ended up leaving, but insisted that we had a receipt to show it was non nonrefundable, and we drove off again.. we take off with a polite "screw you" == read what you signed-- so the guy throws a wrench threw the back frickin hatchback of the pinto my mom and neice were in. we only went a couple miles and of course stopped to check the baby-- almost two in the back seat. she was fine, but could have been hurt by glass--if not hit by the wrench.

so-- time passes, we drive the car-- my mom does.. it loooks like shit :((-- but runs like a top. so one day-- i'm fixin to bounce a check.. for right about 136.00 no idea what it was for-- but i really needed that money fast to cover that check.

so we--me and my mom-- don't even ask me how i ended up livin with her. it 'll take some thinkin. ugh. i think i remember now, but i aint goin there yet-- i'll save it for a part two. so anyhow-- i'm walkin out of a 7-11 and a guy a few years older than me, a little cute, but nothin to scream over-- and an older guy--who turned out to be his dad, walk out too.
my mom puts on her phone sex voice... ERG..yes, really. you'd just have to hear for yourself to believe it. (e, le le let me ask him" ugh.
she says something out the window to them about buying the car for 106.00. (or 136.00) then when they come up to the car-- makes ME finish talkin. good lord i was not a talker. especially about stuff like that. i may as well been askin for money to get tossed in a hat.
so-- somehow i manage to get my hardluck story out-- about my impending bounced check and how much trouble it will cause with the NAVY, etc... and how whatever it was for was oh so neccessary... ugh. of course whatever trouble it was-- was HER problem, not mine-- yet there i was, scrambling to get her-- and me out of yet one more mess she had gotten me into--- can ya tell i'm lovin on my mom today?

so of course-- anyone in the world who knew a thing about cleanin up a car to turn a profit would jump on that, and they did. two tires are worth 100 bucks. and even though this was no car for a 21 year old, it was a decent and newly redone-- yet -- newly re-trashed car-- it had potential.
and really, was worth 6 - 800.00 even in the condition it was in. even if just to re-sell.

so , like i said-- i think.. they bought it-- on the spot-- . and did re-sell it. for profit-- after sinking little money into it.

i really don't know how i got on this subject-- but to cut it short--it became one of my most embarrassing times of my life! my mom tried her damnedest to get this guy to MARRY me. you just wouldn't believe it. a shot-gun wedding of sorts-- even tho- this was not the father of the baby i was pregnant with. and i was humiliated. the sad thing-- HE woulda done it !! in a heartbeat-- but i didn't want a thing to do with it. no way in hell was i gonna marry this guy i met in a 7-11 parking lot-- selling/buying a car--- it wasn't like i didn't have a better choice ya know. i did not want a man at that time. i was suffering enough from the asshole factor at the time. i had made a poor decision picking the real father-- i did not want to find myself making a mistak with a step dad too. i wasn't ready for a relationship. if i was-- i think i would have been with the father of the baby -- wouldn't you agree/ knowing me-- i think y'all would agree.
BUT-- this guy, didn't have a brain cell in his little head for one thing. ya just couldn't talk to the guy-- he was in his twenties.. mid i guess... and still lived at home. he was pretty crude, if ya know what i mean.. i am too-- but not so much when i was "dating". i knew how to conduct myself ya know. i still do. if i need to act like i have manners i am able-- he wasn't ... he was just a pig. he didnt look like a pig-- he just was a pig. know what i mean??
but she really was trying to force me to marry him. i just couldn't believe it.

smocha lived nearby-- she can tell you more prolly than i can, cuz of my bad memory. i just remember one night my mom invited him over, with ice cream.. and i went over the edge, after only a few minutes of talking with him.---i hated him, and my mom, and what she was trying to do. i made him leave, i kept the ice cream, ;00 , and i never saw him again. LOL ---- did i mention that i was like 8 months pregnant, single, doin just fine-- aside from bein a total bitch and wanting nothing to do with any man at the time? especially an out of work preppy wannabe...loooooseR ? ugh.

so-- yep, i went into a mini rage-- he left-- my mom shut her mouth, i took the ice cram to my room, and ice creamed my ass to sleep. :)) the story of the cursed pinto and the devil. i mean... "the pinto, the prego -- meet the matchmaker from hell." :))

now-- seein as it only took me three damn days to write this damn post-- i reckon i maybe should share it with y'all. especially since i am falling asleep, and i really don't know why. i slept ok last night. compared to the other two or three.

so yep-- i'm gonna go take a nap-- soon as i immerse myself into some more stress.
:)) more happiness to ya peeps-- and a happy rest of the week to each of you-

holy hell people--

this is just gettin to be just too much. i have been tryin to write this damn thing-- obviously-- for days. wth? distracted much? i just get sidetracked at just the moment i think it's almost time i can post post it -- then .. boom.. i have to go and do something, or go somewhere. when it just isn't quite there. ya know. so i draft save it, until i get back to it-- and the same damn thing happens agian.
well--- i'm just hoping i can hit the post button on it this time-- and i do hope it makes a little more sense this time around. i know that last one was a bit loopy. sorry for that.

so. i guess this brings us current? right? in this sea of soul-isms. but first-- i must get coffay and bring my yappy dawg inside lest a neighbor pellet gun her dumb ass.

ok.. i am back. ahhh

anyhow-- i want to tell you that life is settling down here, and all is well, etc. but that isn't so much the case. it is getting there though. we are taking steps to get there. but man, it will take time. the three of us have very strong personalities, and at this point--and the passed many weeks.. they clash against each other. and that makes communicating, in the most difficult of times that our little family has faced, near impossible for us. but we know we are doing all we know how, and all we are told or suggested to do.

i know i have run in circles with the root of what has caused such turmoil here. and maybe i still won't be able to say "everything". it really wouldn't be right for me to do that. not on a public page. ya know?

but i know some of you still care, and haven't given up yet. i know some have thrown their hands up in frustration. and i can handle that. i don't hold hostages. there's the door. you're free to leave. it's a two way street and the phone works both ways. right? that's how i see it. doesn't mean i care any less of any of you. but if you don't understand me.. then maybe you never will, so, either accept that-- or move on.

anyways-- what i was gettin at-- the best i can do is give you a few hi-lites.. which may be too much information as it is. but it's the best i can do-- and no more than that-- for now.
but i think it's time you know a few things.

1- 99 % of what has been messing with my mind and personality-- and time for blogging-- have been issues with my daughter.

2- these issues, have snowballed from what seemed "normal teen-age behavior" - to downright terrifying, life changing , relationship altering, self destructive, life events. (for her---and us_)

3- my child , in a matter of a few weeks, has lost friends, been in trouble with the law, twice--, been involved with OTC--AND illegal drugs, and a very wrong and dangerous crowd to be hangin with.

4. she also spent a week inpatient psyche for suicidal idea, and threats.. which led to another week outpatient-full day treatment--

5. she now, has just started a drug rehab outpatient program.

6. since i had the seizure-- one of them.. maybe the second in july-- she has treated me like absolute shit--i can't say a word without her shutting me down. or making it an argument.
finally last night... the topic of us going to las vegas came up-- somehow in all the problems and shuffle-- her dad and i forgot to tell her that we had canceled our trip to meet jamie and her family there. oops. SO-- i had a little bulb go off-- and without really thinking, i said to her-- "oh man, we didn't tell you?.. we aren't going, we would never leave you "like this"... we didn't tell you!"-- is that why you're so mad at me??"
sooo-- she says.. without really even thinking-- "when you get sick, i seem to pull away from you-- cuz i don't want to hurt if something happens to you".
i don't want her to feel that way.. or for our relationship to be this way. i understand more now. but i can't heal myself. i can't make myself not have a seizure if it's gonna happen.. i can't not have a i can't breathe attack in the middle of bronchitis.. if it's gonna happen.
and ya know, i see my own husband do it too? it makes it really hard to live like this . because from the outside-- ie.. bein me-- it seems that neither of them give a damn. it seems they don't care-- or want to talk to me. the reality is.. they just don't want to be too close to me-- cuz i have been so sick in one way or another-- for so damn long---- that -- none of us really know-- when, what, or how-- or even why-- i could just drop dead someday. any day. it's just pretty fucked up.

i do my best to hide my feelings, but lately i just can't. i am so IN depression lately - it's not funny. i am rarely out of my room. it doesn't bother me. i like it there. i really do. i'm sick with bronchitis, no one wants to hear that. i'm depressed, i sure as hell don't wanna talk to anyone. i'm weak and saggy, and laying down is my most comfortable place to be.
it's just ridiculous really.

and i will admit i am a bit jealous lately too. she and her dad have this little bonding thing goin on lately too. to me it seems that they have ostracized me-- taken sides against me..ya know. i say one thing-- she runs to dad, and he bails her out. like what i say or think doesn't matter.
i feel smaller and less significant by the day around here.

i feel bad for not writing regularly-- like i know i absolutely need to on here-- for you-- and for me. i think i may have hurt some peoples feelings here-- totally unintentionally of course. but i think it has happened.

i hope you understand more now-- that it has not a thing to do with any of you. i miss all of you.
it's just that i have been keeping these "secrets" .. i spose trying to be loyal. but in the meantime.. only hurting myself , y'all, and my family too, because of it. maybe tryin to fool myself that there's some quick and easy-- presto-change-o- fix for this shit--- but really there isn't.

unfortunately, when we say-- oh hell, NOT MY kid. ya gotta tallk, ask questions, look for answers. cross the line and do a room search. i was so against a room search, i always appreciated and respected her privacy-- until that first room search revealed our darkest fears. and later opened doors for even more lies. as a parent, you need to be aware. watch for the signs. and trust your instincts. cuz i tell ya-- it was a long time before we had the facts that our instincts told us something was goin on. we just didn't want to "hear" it. i still don't want to hear it. new stuff comes up almost every day--

and well.. all i can say for me and hubby-- our stress and health is suffering. it's so hard to look back only a year and a half-- and see my little drug fee, straight edge kid---- and to look at her now. i can only wonder wtf went wrong. and of course where did I go wrong.

but ya know-- i can't blame myself for this. we have talked to her about this shit-- for many years. what it can do, how it can affect you. we even went as far as to tell her just how susceptible she is to addiction, and it's just better to not find out, than to experiment. yet, she had to find out the hard way. and at age 14.

anyways. as parents, we are doing what we know how-- and what we're learning along the way lately, to just give her the tools--and try our best to be patient, and realistic. it's up to her to use them i guess. i only pray that she will.


in fact, it was only yesterday, after weeks of this, that we realized, a lot of her mood, and attitude is withdrawl from the damned drug use. not to mention the emotional bullshit that comes along with all the other crap. she missed almost a full month of school, she has been forbidden to continue a few relationships with friends who were involved in this shit. she obviously was NOT thrilled to be locked up for a week, and then attend all these other group sessions that last all day--then to return to school to face the questions--and ugh, answers to "where the hell have you been?". i really do try to understand her feelings. i was very close to her situation when i was young. not a competition, a comparison. but really, i am beginning to understand more. so, i give her space , just to prevent arguing all the time. but in the meantime it only hurts the two of us, because really we do not speak to each other at all lately. it breaks my heart-- but i am happy that she and her dad are getting along. he is desperately trying to keep that line of communication open between the two of them. of course-- while i feel like a jealous outsider. but that's ok.. for now. i do see progress. and that is good.
is it easy? oh hell no. and it won't be. we could be back at square 1 in a day... a week, a month.
but i sure hope not.

the hardest thing i've ever done is to watch my daughter fall apart-- and be forced to step aside while someone else-- her dad and docs-- fix it--but if i don't, the conflict between the two of us will destroy all of us.

i am beginning to think that going through this process, is worse than burying my own baby son.
the helpless, hopeless, doomed, and worse--being unwanted, or not needed feelings... are destroying me.. slowly.

and what makes it worse? this is my annual crack - up time anyhow. i've done alright the passed few years. sure i get depressed, even more than that. but have pulled through. but this time , my third and only living child is suffering, right at the time that my eldest son would be having his twentieth birthday. 20. good lord. i just can't believe that i would-- or should have a 20 year old son.
sometimes when i do think of what a handfull soulkid can be-- even before this last few months when it got so out of control...
i would say--
my God.. how in the world do people do it with three and four kids??? knowing that i should have three. i didn't realize-- consciously, until day before yesterday... my son Patrick, would be grown. i wonder what he would be doing with his life today. how he would be doing. would he be healthy, and smart? athletic? outgoing? disciplined? respectful? i honestly think that things would have been different if he had lived. not only with him, but in turn with soulkid. i think "only children" do suffer with a terrible lonliness that few of us know. and i also think i made a terrible mistake in telling her about her brothers. especially at the age she was when i told her.

and now-- she has no idea of the significance of this time of year-- but for this last few weeks.. she decides to talk about them. jacob and patrick. at a time i would rather just let it pass silently-- every other day the boys names are brought up. not to mention the other terrible pain she is going through, and the pain it causes the rest of us-- i struggle with these so raw bloody wounds, that i can't help but want to run from. just from all of it. and that makes me feel horrible. about who i am. how i am. and especially what i am. or who i have become.

i want to be "soul" again.
but i really feel like i have crossed some line somewhere.
said too much to some.. too little to others.

i sit and watch the sun set
each night upon my day
i hear it kiss the dusky sky
and send a prayer Gods' way.



well... i guess that is all i got for now--- it'll prolly make no sense-- again...
or if it does, will only make things worse between the kid and me.
not much else i can do though really. is there?

i see two choices here...
in my life, people wise---

i have my family, and i have this blog.
when one wavers, i have the other.
sometimes, i have both.
that's when things are the best you know.
lately, i haven't had much of either, and it has been very tough.

so.
i can lay it out -- let you choose to stay or go-- once again.
i know you know i'm not all here..all the time. so what.
but hey... no one is forcing you to come here. or stay here.

just don't bullshit a bullshitter.
either you're on my side or you aren't.
i have a lot of links there-- if you aint stayin, let me know so i can get some out of the way-- deal?

anyhow-- i gotta go-- i bet i've said that three hundred times, but i do. so i am outta heah.

ps-- i am not gonna waste your or my time huntin down pix..even tho i have several hoarded up just for this post-- i need to get busy.

take care peeps.;

i think of ya lots-- know that-