awwww, don't look so serious. that's just a thing i say. but you do. huh?don't be hatin. i'm really tryin to get my shit together. but as you can see; it isn't workin out too well. in fact, let's use now as an example. i am soooo tired, i'm simply cross eyed. but am i asleep? obviously not.
then why in the hell am i on the computer? i bet that's your next question. right? well, that would be because, i have already read a magazine, and watched tv. and i have actually napped a little here and there. i just keep waking up. then falling asleep. then waking up. and so on.
it is extremely irritating. but then again, so is the bass (not fish-- music--:)) --coming thru my bedroom wall... and the sound of call of duty on xbox being played--- in the living room-- as it flows into my --- what should be quiet ---- bedroom.
oh stop bitchin. i'm tryin not to. :))
i should get a trophy for complaining queen lately, dontcha think?
really, i'm finally beginning to realize what a whiney little bitch i am. not that realizing it will change anything. but it sure is pissin me off. i think i have actually got so "thirsty", i'm what people in AA call bein on a "dry drunk". i'm just as cry baby , sloppy, poor me about everything. i may as well be drunk.
i don't know know why but it all hit me today. i'm not givin it all away though. i will admit-- some of it is justified. this is some hard shit to deal with. alot of what i'm sayin and feelin, and dealin with, and same with soulman... this is soul hell fo shizzle.
but hey-- i'm gettin pretty sick and tired of waitin for:
soul to come in here and rescue me. or for "dad to tell me what to do".. or to find blame with my mom, cuz i don't know how to be one. or with God, cuz He finds ways to make me struggle.
it gets damn old sittin on your ass waitin for shit to change. do y'all realize that?
and you know-- i have a habit of cleaning-- or as you see-- decorating--- or at times-- fishing-- or other time consuming, energy sucking tasks--- to take my mind off things. just for a while. which actually end up costing me days of sleep-- several meals--- an occasional friend or two--- and sometimes what little sobriety i have managed to hoard up. among other things.
sooooo---- as i was sittin here-- or should i say, layin here, trying to put my tired ass to sleep, my mind of course is goin 300 miles an hour, and making that simple feat impossible. so, i began to listen to what "i" had to say.
ya know, i make some good sense sometimes, if i listen. :))
well, when i can hear myself over the techno beat and the c'mon, you suck of the xbox man.
ugh.
did someone say road trip? hmmm.
lesssssrroooollll!!!
you drive-- i'll sleep!!!!
ok folks-- now tthat i have made absolutely not one lick-a-sense
i thik i shall try once more to go to sleep. i'm way too old for this not sleepin shit. ugh that reminds me-- i had a mental moment today -- driving soulkid to the doctor! we've been there 5 times---- but half way there, wth do you think happened? i totally got LOST! i could not figure out where i was or how to get there from where i was.
i knew as much to know that i was at the mall.. and my child was totally freakin out thinking i was not comin out of "this one"..
but "it came to me"-- with a little help from my soulkid-- and the old GPS-- that she thought to get out and program.
omg-- poor kid.
she had a good day today btw --- just in case you're wondering. i'm proud of her. she is doin good .
tryin real hard. so if you happen to be one that is prayin for her-- thanks, and keep it up, please.
i must sleep now.
see you manyana---
6 comments:
ummmm ok- dont wait. Accept it. Soulman isnt gonna save you, Dad isnt gonna tell you what to do, Your history with your mother isnt gonna suddenly change, God didnt do it and isnt gonna do anything bout it sooooooooooooo? Now what? Honey just stop waiting. Dont know what to do? Just take the next indicated step. one at a time. 5 oclock? well the next indicated step is probably making dinner, so barring some mega crisis, you dont need to think beyond that. After dinner ........ next indicated step...... and so on. Its hard, it sucks, its scary, but its all you can do hun. Just take a step. If you find you cant , go in your room, cry abit and then come out and take one.
You owe yourself some patience. We're expected to have it for everything else, why not for ourselves?
Is there another room far, far away from the xbox, you can get some sleep? It's amazing how comfortable the bathtub can be with the right comforter. :>
I hope you can find some balance for yourself. No one can do it for you. It's up to you to take an inventory of what you need to be healthy and then create a plan with the rest of the household to make it so. Don't forget a walk in fresh air, it's important to clearing a cloudy brain!
Take Care,
Prx
I really hope that doesnt sound harsh. Its not meant to be at all but you cant type tone of voice and I am afraid it might. If it does sound harsh to you please delete it as it is totally meant otherwise and I wouldnt have you think I am speaking harshly for anything.
You know Soul I've done that thing with getting lost while going somewhere I've been a bazillion times. My mind just freezes and goes totally blank. It happened at a football game once where there were 50,000 people. I couldn't remember where my seat was and I'd been sitting in the same place for 10 years. I just stood perfectly still, took lots of deep breaths until the fog dispersed and then went on my way but boy it was freakin scary at the time.
I knew the prayers would work....didn't you? Its not gonna be easy or quick....but you know what they say....slow and steady wins the race. This is good news that Soul-kid is trying and you can see the difference. If you can successfully keep her away from other kids that are into drugs...that's half the battle. Keep up the good work and don't get freaked....we all have a brain malfunction at one time or another. I've driven to work before only to have it suddenly dawn on me that I didn't remember the last three stop lights and if they were green or not. Driving on automatic pilot I guess...which is plenty scary. Hang in there. Hugs, Charlotte
prayers are still coming your way! :)
E
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