do you mind if i cuss ?

how 'bout if i just go on a rant of sorts and slander the medical community? --- again?
i wouldn't know where to begin. i could write a book on this mess. oh. by the way, i don't suppose i need to tell you that the appointment with pain management didn't work out so well today, right? because, of course it couldn't be more obvious. it was such crap. and the doctor was more of an asshole that i am not sure that i could even describe it---him. i have seen probably literally hundreds of doctors -- ok.. let's say 100 - doctors, since this pain and stuff began. which was about 16 years ago , maybe. no, it's more than that-- that isn't even ten docs a year... so i bet 150-200 totally separate doctors , for my multitude of mystery illnesses, and symptoms, and such.
any of you who have followed this blog for any length of time should know my frustration. i would bet money -- maybe even a lot of money .. that if someone would frickin treat this pain properly, and not treat me like a damn junky, before they even know my history, or me as a person, my mental part of this crap would be cut in half. i almost gaurantee it.
but noooo. before i was even examined today-- my photo was taken, my tatoos were described and logged, and the pharmacy i use was logged in the record as well. i was already being all but fingerprinted --- just in case i might steal a rx or change one that was written to me. for identification.
then when i was examined-- i was tortured. he showed NO mercy. not only that-- but when i was getting up from a lying position from the table (i was on my back at the time) he offered a hand to help me up-- i let him take my hand--- he JERKED and PULLED me up very very hard.. it hurt so bad that it made me scream!!! i said wtf did you do that for???? he laughed!!! "what? what did i do, i was just trying to help."
if i was smart-- and we all know i'm just not that smart when it comes to these things. like docs -- or situations that i think i need to see through. i would have told him to fuck off right then. he was obviously "testing me". somehow trying to see how i would handle that . well, i didn't handle it very well. i was hurt, and i was pissed.
so now, i was not only being treated like a junky-- or worse-- a criminal! i was being treated like a liar!
and--- ya wanna hear the worst part? during the exam-- if ya wanna call it that-- remember now-- i am there for back, neck and leg pain..... he began asking OBgyn questions-- and without warning-- did a breast exam !!!! this was obviously before he ripped me off the table ---- which btw STILL hurts. i was just in shock.
and to think, i was sent there by a dr that i trust. (ED). my neuro dr. i just may not go back to him either. well.. maybe once-- just to let him know what an asshole he sent me to-- what he did, how he treated me, how he didn't treat me, and just how much i think he screwed me over.
oh-- i almost forgot-- after the "exam" the fuckin dr is sittin in the chair--- and i am standing-- in terrible pain... in a damned gown--untied in the back-- i could barely reach back to keep it closed, it was killing me to stand there... after five or ten minutes , i , through gritted teeth, say-- do you think i could get dressed?!
so he says oh, yes sure. so he leaves. (but not before letting it be known that he would not be giving me "real pain meds" -- but after he calls my shrink he might try a new drug similar to lyrica---- i had already told him i had an awful reaction to lyrica. and also to the neurontin, tegratol, etc type stuff, and that i refuse to take cymbalta. so he's gona put me on some brand new bs med that may land me in a psyche ward??? ummmm NO!
so while he was gone--- for by this time like 15 minutes--- i booked out of there--- well , as much as i could "book". i already paid his dumb ass... i knew i wasn't goin back...i knew he wasn't gonna do a thing for me but experiment and treat me like a junky. so i left. i did do a little snooping through my record though while i was waiting for him to come back-- before i got mad enough to leave. i read the notes from my neuro--- he did suggest that this dr refill my pain meds . instead he wants to do this kinda crap to me.
the entire thing was just WRONG. i have never ever had a PAIN doc-- or a neuro doc.. or any other such doc-- jerk me so hard like that-- or touch my breasts!!!
and he knew i was in pain. i waited in the waiting room for an hour, and him coming in and out and do the exam and talk and all the bullshit--- by the time i left i'd been there like three hours. i was damned crippled. and he wasn't gonna write a rx for nothing. nothing at all.
all the stress and pain was so much for me that by the time i got home--- i had a migraine. i ended up havin to take a imitrex shot.
it was an awful day in soulland folks.
sorry to whine and bitch so much in this post-- i know that y'all have pain and problems too--- i basically wrote this so i would have it down before i forgot any of his crap. because i just may report him. and no, not cuz he didn't give me meds-- i know a lot of dr's are whimps these days, and just don't want to do that. but it was the way i was treated. i felt worse leaving there than i have EVER felt even leaving the VA hospital. and i leave there in tears sometimes.
so....any ideas? should i just jump offa bridge and fix the pain myself? it's not like i haven't thought about that a few times.
i have no life at all anymore .. i don't think anyone even gets it. just last summer i was out fishin every single day -- sometimes for hours. now? i barely go at all. i can't stand that long. if i last an hour, it's a good day.
tonight, after my headache eased up-- i washed dishes-- it took maybe half hour - to 45 minutes to clean up in there--- i was near tears from pain, and even sweating when i was done.... how am i expected to pack and move and unpack and decorate and do all that i have to do this next month??? the thought is paralyzing.
imagine if angie wouldn't have come out to help with the garage. that was the worst of the worst. i just don't think i could have even made myself start that task.
thanks ang!!!!
ok y'all.. thanks for listenin. i bet i'll be better tomorrow. like i said-- i just had to vent-- and make sure i wouldn't forget what a BASTARD THIS GUY WAS.



take care, stay cool, and be happy.
g'night folks.

stuff, stuff, and more stuff--

(click the pic if you can't read it)

this is one of my sisters kids-- umm, i mean cats. she had it on the cheezeburger site- and i couldn't resist the possibly inappropriate caption. it was the first think that came to mind when i saw that face---
imagine your husband , as he tries to annoy you with his -- well, flatulence. not sure about you-- but i saw --- just about any man, succeeding in annoying the hell outta me-- or you---
so anyhow. that really is a beautiful cat. it's o'reilly, and he lives in england with his dad. my sis will be joining them soon. kind of a drag, but we never get to see each other anyhow. last time she went to england about 6 months ago-- there was a problem with the microchip-- mandatory on imported, i think, maybe all, animals. they put him in quarantine, and it would have been for six months. her and the cat were so depressed with him in kitty cat jail--- she brought him back to her home in arkansas until all the microchip-- and vet crap was settled. so they will be going "home" in august-- on her birthday. that cat is cavuto. all of blogland mourned for her and poor cavuto during his one month kitty jail sentance. but now he will get to go home to his other kitty friends, monkey, and o'reilly, and their daddy. so, that's cool.

how the hell did i get all on that subject? perhaps cuz when she left last time , it actually hit me a bit hard. right now , we live about 5 or 6 hours apart, and don't see each other-- but the opportunity is at least there. in england? it's no more than a "it aint gonna happen thing." no way could we pay for a trip like that. for three of us? and boarding four animals? nope. no can do. we can't even make it to lake fork more than once every year or two. the bass capital of texas--- maybe the whole country-- but england? hell.. we've been talkin about new york even, for like six years..can't get ourselves there either. but-- a drive like that (just to arkansas) is no walk in the park for me... and since she's been back, she helped plan, and travel to her baby boys' wedding. she had company from out of state. we were house hunting-- on top of a LOT of other stuff you may or may not know about.
soooo---- it just never works out the way ya want it to.

so. anyhow-- i spose that's enough ramblin on about my sis. and her cats. they are so friggin spoiled , if i die-- i want to come back as one of her cats. they get treated better than i ever have.


ok-- i really will shut up about that stuff.

thanks to all of you with your good thoughts and wishes etc on the house. i just don't see it fallin through at this point. too much time, effort, and money...not to mention stress and physical stuff, have been put into this. it's just gotta work out. it's gotta.

did y'all know mary, from pathways seems to be doin pretty darn good, considering what she's been through recently. she'll know more soon, but she's posted a couple times, and her hubby has tossed in an update or two. so, just so ya know-- if you prayed, sent good vibes, or whatever else y'all did-- it seems to be workin some real magic.

aha! did i mention that summer school is over? finally? longest three weeks of my damn life. or a close second. i liked that she had a place to go and something to occupy her over these passed weeks... but c'mon..now she has 2 more months of boredome and lonliness, with nothin to do.? not for me. i think she was doin better in summer school. at least she got out and saw people.

also, i did actually make it to the lab today... aren't you proud??
at least that"s any consolation. they tested for.. soujournes' (very misspelled) syndrome, and lupus, and thyroid stuff. and a bunch of other stuff. not sure when i will hear back about those results.

tomorrow is the dreaded pain mgmt doc appt. i spent hours collecting med records and filling out stupid paperwork tonight for that. such fun.

i don't know how much more of these dr's want to help me -- or if they can.

welp-- i had more to say-- but meds just kicked in, ---- i was asleep-- for i don't know how long. oops-
so, i best take my raggedy self to bed.