anyhow-- enough of that. whatever 'that' was.
i was so happy this morning when i checked my calender-- y'all know , without my shedoole i would be totally lost. i have no memory. so when i looked at it this morning-- it was blank for today! woo hoo! my exhausted ass can stay home and do nuthin. well, at least nothin that requires much movement or energy. :)) i really do need a day of rest. even tho it would be in everyone's best interest for me to take my child -- yeh, i know - she isn't a child anymore-- but she will always be my 'baby'... to get her damn drivers license today.
i refuse to face people and crowds, and grouchy government jerks again today tho. i may- and should - work with her on her parallel parking tho. i've told her for two or three days we would do that- but she- and y'all know the days have escaped us both. so. once we get her good at that - we shall get her to the DMV (DPS-for some). not sure if you know this.. but i am the queen of parallel parking :)) -- i will admit , i am a little concerned about my neck in teaching her-- guess since it'll be in the front of the house-- between two garbage cans -- i can get a few pills in me , and hopefully not feel too bad. for a while at least.
today is my moms birthday. she's in Heaven. i really believe that. as a person.. here with us? i never thought she'd get there. that's not true. i guess i always believed she would. but i never thought she deserved it. i guess i just believe in a forgiving God. and a lot of what harm she caused others in life -- she had no real control over. she was one sick woman.
anyhow-- that's that i reckon. i am thinkin of her today. have been for a few days. the image burnt in my mind is a 'photo' that me and my sister had a nurse take of us with her -- at the nursing home she died in. not long before her death. she looked really bad.. but she had a few moments that knew who i was... and she cried when she asked and i confirmed that i believe in God and that i pray. to her -- i think -- in that answer - she knew she was forgiven. (by me). at least i hope that what she heard.
she also told me she was not afraid to die.
in a morbid way -- maybe? that was the most peaceful ten or twenty minutes i had spent with my mom -- in our entire life together.
but to clarify my relationship- and feelings - respect- etc - for my mom? even in death? this last june when i went to the cemetery- where many of my family - my boys included - rest... i sat on her grave with my daughter, and we spoke about her - and other things and losses there... i smoked a cigarette-- without thinking, i put the cig out on the base of her headstone. without a second thought - i got up to walk away.... my kid, my sis, and 'vicki' all three did have somethin to say -- my sis picked up the butt (behind me - but i figured she would - she told me later) ... i don't know why i told you that -- but i did. there is so much to our relationship - i could never describe it in full, to make any one with a soul understand it. either side of it. but it was one -- that molded my life, and probably -- no, undoubtedly, everyone who has entered it. possibly in a negative way.
so yeh.. happy birthday -- queen earlene.. gran gran.. mom. and thanks for the memories.
--- sorry - i just type-- i can't help what ends up on the page.
*just love meh*
