yep - it's true - so , i reckon i should act like it. some days i sure don't feel very alive. or maybe i should say that i haven't felt alive, for quite some time. that is beginning to change. things have been so very difficult in my world lately. for many many months actually. i could go as far as to say close to a year. and i don't even know why, or how things got so out of hand. i could blame medications. changes. stopping. starting. too many. not enough. ugh. i hate taking meds. depending on meds to stay alive. or to move. or to sleep. or to feel normal. i went off my meds - anti depressants, pain meds , all of it , for a short while. after the horrid withdrawl, personally, i felt better than ever. until people around me began to say otherwise. what an upside down feeling that is -- when you feel and look good to yourself, and the very few people you interact with say 'you look clinically depressed'. WTF!? i didn't. i wasn't. my family said i looked and seemed ok. but a doctor - who apparently wanted to sell or keep me on meds, had the nerve to say THAT to me... it just threw me entirely into a downward spiral. i felt out of sync with the world. i didn't feel like i could trust anyone. not even myself or my own feelings, mind, or emotions. i got paranoid and thought everyone wanted me medicated and isolated. it tore me up inside.
this has been an awful struggle. of course i went back on meds. pain meds, i really can't function without. anti depressants i went back on.. more for the anxiety than anything else. anxiety like i had never experienced in my life. of course the steroids for the addisons disease -- the doctor actually CUT the dose of that, which surely didn't help matters any while under such stress... that has been raised back up to the regular dose... and vitamin D has been added. my vitamin D levels are Half of what a normal person has on the LOW end. ugh. i am a total mess.
BUT -- things are headed back to normal. whatever normal means.
i have threatened to divorce - or run away - or both. and even went as far as to 'run away' once or twice. neither time lasted for more than a few days. but i have been totally confused and lost for a while here. i have kept my faith in God , and in you all. knowing that neither will leave me. and that is what has kept me strong in believing that i will find my way back to myself and to my family ... i knew that 'SOUL" was still in me somewhere, and that i was being brought through some type of strong hard lesson, and would get to the other side --- eventually. the home front is a lot more stable and comfortable now as well.
once i learned that i was having medical issues , and not losing my mind, it made it much easier to handle, and gain patience. for me and my family. thank God for my husband and my daughter. they have been so good to me through these passed months. i have been nowhere easy to live with. they still see ME in me... when i cannot.
i'm learning to look at things as a blessing not a curse, and to remember the good and not focus on the bad. God seems to be 'growing me up". i see where i have failed him, and where i have left him. and i see now that nothing began to change for the better in or around me in these situations, until i reached out to Him again. i have been feeling so alone and isolated - and disconnected from everything and everybody - even myself , that i didn't know who i was, or feel like i fit or belonged anywhere. it has been the most horrible physical awful feeling i have ever experienced in my life. and y'all know i have felt pretty damn bad at times.
well, God didn't leave me, i left Him. i don't know when or why, or even how. but i know that it took a lot to get my attention, and a lot of pain to bring me back to him. but he is back and things are good in my life again. it's at least gettin that way. i still struggle with anxiety -- but nowhere near as horrible as it was .
funny thing about that? nothing really happened to make anything go bad -- and nothing really happened to bring it back around. it's all just been a God thing.
as usual, i make no sense .. i just wanted to check in, and let y'all know , i am alive, and facebook never has enough space for me to babble like i do.. so here it is if you care to see it.
i miss y;all . and i still think of each one of ya a lot.
have happy days in your worlds folks -- i plan to :))
