somebody help me :((
i swear y'all. someone out there with the powers that be, simply has to hate me. no matter what i do - or don't do, i just can't get it together. i have run out out of ideas, and solutions. i have come to the conclusion that this is the life that i have been given, and i have to adapt to it. the way that it is. i can't force it to change, and i have to stop feeling guilty for the days that i 'can't get up.'
i have literally a dozen and twelve reasons - to truly not feel good on any given day, yet i find just as many reasons to beat on myself for just that. a lot of folks call it 'should-ing'. i should be doing this or that. i can 'should' myself to death. many days i nearly do. some days i will overdo it so much that i hurt for days. and i know in advance that it's gonna happen. sometimes it might only be sitting at the desk for too long workin on business that i'm behind on. but man, i pay for it. when that kind of thing happens, and i'm down for days recovering, when i do end up feeling better, guess what happens? do i bounce back up? not usually. i end up down even longer -with fear of being 'down' again. so i'm in baby myself mode for a few days longer. then i get depressed. then i get angry. then comes isolation. then ya know what happens? i begin to hurt again, from being lazy, and not doin enough,. so then what happens? i end up manic.. and go on a cleaning frenzy - cuz in my week or so of feeling like shit, the entire house and list of responsibilities has only worsened. so,the cycle begins all over again.
and that my friends, is what my life has become. a cycle of pain, depression, and playing catch-up with life.
what the hell am i supposed to do now? how do i find a balance in this mess while at the same time still attempt to show some semblance of 'normalcy' to those around me, when there is none.
i believe i just exited the most difficult year of my life both physically and mentally. and from the looks of it so far, as short as it is 2012 isn't looking too promising either. at least not physically. i have spent almost the entire 'year' inside my home.all two weeks of it, feeling sickly, and in pain. i have had my first round of spinal steroidal injections of the year, which were no help at all. and for the first time in as long as i can remember, i cancelled a VA dr appointment the other day - because i felt too bad to drive out there and deal with it. i never cancel anything that i have on schedule. i'm a very schedule rigid person. until now apparently.
it's very difficult for me to look at my life the way that it really is these days. i'm not giving up. i'm not giving in. i just have to figure out what the in between is. there is a balance somewhere - but where is it for a person like me? a bi-polar, chronic - everywhere pain havin (multiple diagnoses), Addisons disease havin, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigued, i've fallen and i can't get up self type person ? that is a lot of crap for one body - every day. and it's a lot of medication- every day. i really do try - every day to merely function. much less, live a full life, and run this house, and keep up with people , places and things. and God knows i wanna go fishin. how simple is that? but just the thought of carrying the tackle bag is too much lately. beautiful spring like days have gone by this last couple months - and pain and weakness has cost me the things that i love most. i'm gettin worried now that that depression might be what takes the rest.
i'm gettin older, and this body can't take as much, and there's no one else to do what i do. and i don't know what to do about that. some things obviously must be changed. figurin out what and how is the issue.
has anyone seen soul?
