he would know just the right thing to say or do right now. i don't know why i think that. i just do.
i barely knew him really. i spent little time with him in my life. but i sure wish i could have one hour with him today.
he died before soulkid was born. but i just know that he would have been really good for her. and her for him. my dad had four daughters. me, smocha, and two others from a first wife. he was cheated out of watching all of us grow , marry, everything. each relationship he had with any of us girls was formed or mended within his last couple years of life. he told me of his regrets of that... and how he would have changed it if he could have. well, i would have changed it too-- if my mother didn't make him out to be the devil for the first 20 years of my life. i hate her for that. out of every terrible thing she said or did to me--- i hate her for costing me my father.
it's too late now. he's gone. and i can't change that. but i know he was a smart man. a loving man. and i know that he would know just what to say or do to help my kid right now. because i sure don't.
i don't know anything, except that my little family is not anything like i ever thought it would be right now. and i don't know how to fix it.
hubby may have broke his hand last night. he punched a wall. stupid, yes. he knows it too. but really, it looks pretty bad, and he has to see a dr today for it.
we're all just fallin apart here. the soul ship is sinking, and i am afraid that it won't be salvageable.
yesterday, i pretended i was alive and i decorated my office. finally, after living here for almost a year. i put my nautical things and some pictures out etc. today i need to vacuum the floor and maybe i'll put up a pic. the nautical theme is from my dad. and a lot of the things i have were his. he is on my mind a lot.
i think i may pretend to be alive again today and hit the pond for a while. i feel like a sack of rice still, and i bet i could go back to bed for the rest of the day--- but i can't keep doin that. i have to live. i can't let this kill me, altho i do feel dead already.
maybe if i get this shithole cleaned up, get all the damn dirty laundry on my kitchen floor washed and outta there.. and pretend that i have a life-- just maybe i will feel like the next breath is worthwhile... but if i keep on sittin around here, waiting for the next horrible thing to happen, nothing is ever gonna get better.
this is makin my head hurt. i'll be back later.
sorry i'm not keepin up with your comments or pages-- i am readin tho-- and i appreciate every one of you !
one of these days i'll be me again. i hope.
8 comments:
sounds like you need to close your eyes and talk to dad--
HUGS SO MANY MANY HUGS TO YOU--I wish I could help--I will continue to pray for you and your family..and even though this may sound dumb right now, I just know that someday even though the wounds will always be there, it will improve and intime will have calcified all the pain--I feel it, and I will keep praying for it for all of you..
Hope SoulDad's hand heals real soon,and I hope his heart heals quicker.
XOXOXOXO,
Elizabeth
and yours and soulteen's 2, btw.
xo,
E
Sounds like you know what you need to do at least for today and right now. - Get yourself outside on the pond and in to the sunshine. It always makes me feel better - Go out on the pond and take crusty's advice - talk to Dad in the quiet out there.
Funny Crusty thing: the tech's were in my office yesteday morning and I'd left my email inbox up on my screen. They guys were checking it out and saw an email from 'crustybeef' - they teased me about stepping out on Jay with some old man with 'crusty beef'
:) CRUSTY AND KOSHER! :)
Thinking about you and your family.
Amen ! Sistah!
I can not even tell you how many millions of times I have thought the same thing. Even now.
But especially when my kids were growing up, so often i wished he was around to be an influence on them.
someday ,you will be shocked when you see dad's traits just show up in your child anyway.
Weis,with his self discipline and schedules and organization....always reminds me of dad.
There's really too much chaos going on in this room for me to try and type on this stupid thing with NO mouse.:)
ack!
glad you went fishing.
hang in there poops!try to see the humor and the beauty in everyday.....it's still there.
Love me
I must be losing it. I thought I left a comment in here.
Anyway, I hope you are feeling better tonight. Hugs. ac
I don't miss the person my father was, but since he never approved of anything I did, I'd like to know if he would have liked my sons.
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