Hey All

Well,

Soul thought she could post some today bit was not up to it. So here is the daily Soulman report.

Soul is doing better today and actually spoke on the phone with Jaime.

She is breathing better and looks much better.

I read all the comments to her and she got some good chuckles out of yall.

Thanks again for all the kind thoughts you all really brightened her day.

She said to tell you she loves yall and she will post as soon as she can.

I will warn yall though when she is on the meds she can get slightly goofy haha.

Regards

Soulman

Hey All This is Soulman

Hey Yall,

This is Soulman letting you know about Soul. I think some of yall check Simonsays blog and saw her post about Soul.

I wanted to post an update as we spoke to the Doctor today.

First off like Jaimie said she has a blood clot in her right lung, Called a pulmonary embolism.

These things can kill you and I have heard some bad stories on them so of course we were both worried when the Docs told us. We spoke with the Doc more today and she said that normally the deadly ones are the ones that break loose are very large and can kill you almost instantly. Souls is serious but the Doctor does not believe it will progress further. In fact she said she is stable and doing well and that she can expect to recover. Even though painful she should be fine. They started her on bloos thinners and she will be on a steady dose of those for at least 6 months.

The pain is very very bad according to Soul. She described it in reference to child birth as far as pain goes and when the medicine wears off the pain is very very bad. Really hurts to see her suffer and also not be able to breathe well. She has not slept well either but hopefully she will tonight.

Soulkid and I are sitting with her right now and she is groggy and hopefully on her way to a good nights sleep. I will bring her laptop back to the hospital tomorrow morning and hope she will be able to post and update herself. If not I will do it for her.

Thanks for all the well wishes in her comments, we all appreciate yall. Soul loves each and every one of yall and it means alot to her to read the notes.

Thanks and see yall tomorrow.

Reagards,

The Soul Family

i need to change my name to MORON

no, really. i found my very very first baby picture. it proves it. too bad i didn't find it twenty years ago. then i might not have been in such a quarrel with myself all these years. you know, thinking that i only DO stupid thing sometimes. i would have known that sometimes i'm just smarter than i'm sposed to be. thennnnn, i coulda lived the way i was sposed to. in peace and bliss of stupidity. rather than being so down on myself for being a moron -- i would have just known that i was normal, and just being what i was sposed to be. a moron.
ugh. see what i mean. i wouldn't have to explain my "moron-ality" --- i could just BE my moron-ality.
and life would be good.

so. henceforth-----
i am moron
and here is the proof

you know you still love me.
even though it is a bit hard to admit at times.
i'm cool with that.

so anyhow... i have no clue what time i started this post-- but when i hit "post" it will me-us. but i do know it is 12:49 now. and i know at least a coupla hours have passed. i wasn't necessarily doing nothing... i just wasn't doing what i was sposed to be doing. know what i mean?
i had finally got all my bills-- late-and current, all in one place---and within arms reach even... with all intent to get busy and actually get them paid.




BUT, wouldn't ya know it? as soon, as i was about to sit my self down.. in a comfortable place to get started----- soulman decided that that moment would be a good time for a talk. so, of course, i put him first, and went in the living room to see what he needed to talk about.
it was quite the discussion. but -- all i will say about it is... from what he told me about the happenings of last night..and her 3 friends who were here-- 1 girl, her, and 2 boys. not only was i glad i missed it while i slept.. but things are changin around here. the girls woke up a while after i had heard about the evenings happenings-- and he called them out here-- i guess to kind of "apologize--but not--ya know? maybe more to explain himself, and just make sure that they understood and were ok with what happened.... ok-- like, him yelling at the boys and throwing them out at 1 am. ehem. (he knew they were here--- but thought they had left-- so there was a bit of deception, and that is what soulman was pissed about. but anyhow---- i swear to you-- two weeks ago--- they would STILL be screaming at each other... no apology--- no i was wrong --- from either side. and they would prolly not speak for days. i'm just so surprised at the understanding between them, and the peacefulness from both , this morning when they talked about it. it may sound like nothin to y'all --- but hey-- you don't live here-- so you don't really know-- what a difference a day makes. this one day at a time stuff might really be workin.
i'm still glad i missed it. :))

so. in other soul news----

not what i was gonna say-- but i just got up for coffee, and noticed my friggin 100.00 battery cord is fraying / separating at the computer end and that kinda shit really pisses me off. you'd think by now, the damn computer people woulda figured how to prevent that problem. this is a replacement cord already--- (for hubbys old laptop--that used to be mine-- that did the same damn thing.-- and i have heard of other people getting new cords for the same reason too. so wth??? figure it out laptop people. gawd. or, could it be perhaps, that they know it's a problem, and just don't want to fix it-- because it's a quick way to make 100 bucks off innocent laptop users. i bet that's it. yep. a conspiracy. they're all out to get me. i mean us.
i'm kiddin around. (with the paranoid part)
ok.. let's move on.


i had all kindsa dumb stuff i was gonna write about-- with some stupid stolen pics to go with it-- when i started this thing--- the first time. but i think i am gonna talk about something a little less assinine.

don't worry-- it's not anything mental, or terrible or anything like that. it's just a little something
that happened.. well, didn't really happen, but something, well.. lemmee just say it's about me and my kid..and it was yesterday.

ha. now i feel like "Rainman" .. soon as i wrote that.. i stopped for a couple minutes..and i just noticed, here i was just lookin around the room... duh. see what i mean? moron.

so anyhow y'all already know i canceled my day yesterday due to lack of sleep.

i'm not really afraid of clowns, but it seems like a good excuse-- for now. :))
but ya-- i slept yesterday all - the- way- away.
except for a little while a couple times... once before i even went to sleep-- and once to eat-- and another for somethin else-- other than that-- i slept the whole day--and night--and don't even know when i woke up today--- but as you can see-- i don't think it was long enough to repair my mind . i still can't focus.

so anyways--
back to what i was saying.... me and my child. talking. hubby worked late-- i guess. oh hell, maybe not-- cuz i was thinkin maybe she came home from school at 4-- but yesterday was saturday ! sooo--- she came home from her friends house. i remember now--- she called for a ride-- but i had taken a couple xanax-- cuz i was so tired i was stupid, and i still couldn't get to sleep. so i had to tell her i couldn't drive, and her dad wasn't home from the guitar show yet--- so she had the kids dad drive her home. now i got it. geesh. see-- sometimes i can put shit together if i have a minute. sometimes not.
so anyways. it was a little late in the afternoon, i hadn't been to sleep since thursday night. i was really really more out of it than i realized.. but she pointed it out a couple times.. she kept laughing at me, and i was being all serious-- or so i thought. she knew i took sleep meds-- but before yesterday she didn't know exactly what i took... until she asked "what are you on??"" LOL not in a bad way-- she was just talkin about how funny one of her friends mom gets after she takes her sleep meds, and wondered if it was the same.... it's not.
but anyhow--- let's move back to where we're sposed to be , shall we?

ok---- she came in.. and i called her into my room... i had something to give to her-- this "something" had been on my mind for many hours... only in a different way than i had ever thought of it in the few years that i have been holding it for her.

so---- as you can see--- alot like the way i write-- i am the same when i talk...sometimes... rather than just blurt something out, that has a history--- i go ahead and tell the history first--then go into my own little preamble-- before actually getting to the point---- sometimes, it turns out good. sometimes i get that "look", like it took you twenty minutes to say THAT?

but with her--- i think it could not have gone any better. even with me bein a little on the silly side may have been ok for the "setting".

but-- i won't make you endure much more of my preamble on this story. this time. i will try my best to keep it short--as i can. at least.

ok.. there we were --- what i was going to give her was a ring. one that up until the day before, i had never even realized had a very similar look to one that i have too. one that i have had for a very long time. the one that was for her--- also had meaning --- more-so, now, than ever before. and had also been in my family for many years.

when i told her "the story" of these rings--- it was not meant to be sad. but i could not get it out without crying. but they were "sentimental " tears. and she knew that. i confirmed it when we were done-- i wanted her to know that i wasn't sad, and i didn't want her to be. just that i love her-- and so do her other family members. just because she doesn't see them often, they do love her. kids don't know that. ya know. i grew up not seeing my relatives very often, and it really is a kinda outta sight outta mind thing when you're young. or a they hate me thing.
so-- that worked out well.

see? i'm babbling. i'm sorry. back to the rings.... once there were two-- then there was one-- then there was two again. and i didn't know it til the other day-- and i had to take some time to explain all these stories that kind of intertwined with each other. but-- like i said-- i'm trying--really--to keep this short with you--
so for you-- here is how the rings go--

1- my ring--- was exactly like ring 2... which belonged to my sister (Smocha). both these rings had been gifts..at the same time..to each of us... there was a very slight difference in the rings.. they were like twins. this was back in 1988- sometime. at that time in our lives-- diamonds and gold was something that neither of us really had. if it ever did belong to us, by that point in our lives-- it had been sold or lost in a pawn shop. we would never let those rings go tho. i guess in a way-- it was a sisterhood kinda thing. i don't know. so anyways... move ahead, several months. to march 1989. my infant son died. at his funeral, without much thought on my part, i took my ring off my finger, and i placed it inside his diaper. so a little part of me could be with him forever...ya know? i don't know. it's just how i am. i'm a sentimental fool.

2- so, ring 2.. yep. smochas ring. you know how she got it, and what it meant to her. and now with a story behind mine-- maybe it meant a little more. not sure, cuz we never really mentioned it.
but, my birthday was in april.. still is in fact.. but that april, a month after i buried my son-- with the ring twin. i had gone out for lunch with my mom and sister. after we had finished eating... then comes the cards n stuff. my sis, reached across the table with her hand in a loose fist-- as if to put something in my hand. when i put my hand out to take it---- she dropped her twin ring, into my hand.. saying... "now you both have one".
that is the point i began to cry yesterday with my kid, and wouldn't ya know-- there it is again.
i do forget a lot of stuff.. that is one moment in my life i will never forget. i really think that might be the most selfless thing that anyone has ever done for me in my life.

ok.. i'm goin on again.. so now let's go to

3- ring number 3. this ring had a story too. but i didn't know the whole story until recently. very very recently. it used to belong to my cousin. it was given to her by her parents, when she was like five years old. i can still remember her wearing it.
well. my cousin died several years ago. she was a beautiful girl too. just gorgeous. after her death, i didn't hear the full story behind how it happened. i heard it was accidental. since then i have pretty much left it at that. well. come to find out, she had struggled with addiction for a few years, until it finally took her life.
when i heard that. i understood fully why i hadn't heard the full story. but man. it sure hit close to home. ya know? my kid gettin a hold of somethin, or takin too much of somethin... every day i think of that, and it kills me over and over again.
so far, we're lucky. she's still with us, and she still hasn't used ... three weeks? but ya know.. i know the strength of addiction.. i've seen it and i've lived it. i've succeeded and i've failed with it.
people i love--in and out of my family have died from addiction. people can say that it's a choice, all they want to. but, i'm on the side that agree that it is a disease... how can it not be a disease, when so many in one family can be affected by it. ugh... i'm rambling. shut me up and let's get to the point shall we. dammit.

so-- here's how it went with my kid. i told her of her cousin. she knew as much as i did-- i told her the rest-- she was surprised and saddened.. and this was a cousin whom she'd never met. she would have liked her though. but... the reality i think hit her hard.

next, i reminded her of the ring. she knew i had it. but she'd only seen it once, and it's been so long ago--i really don't even think she remembered i had it.

after i gave her that ring. i put my ring in her hand... pointed out the similarities..and told her the story of ring #1.

i won't drag it out anymore. but she immediately put her cousins ring on her pinky finger-- and yep-- it fits!
and i put my "twin ring" on my finger.
and just so ya know-- the last time i wore that ring was in 1990. a whole nuther story. but it has had a long life in a jewelry box..after having replaced a diamond-- lost in a drunken idiot moment.

i told her-- there's nothing that will stop you from using if you want to use. but there is also no way that you can take another pill, and not see that ring, and remember how you may end up. it CAN happen to you.

and the rest i will leave where it is.

soulkid ring

the twin ring-
along with a wedding band -
smocha also gave me-
because my own falls off
and i have to wear it on a chain.
so i decided to wear it TOO
(SEE SMOCHA?
i do too love you!)

now. i really gotta pay my damn bills. the day is already gone. i'm hungry and there aint no food here. ugh.
we are goin to SAMS club tonight tho. we will finally have food to eat. we have supported the restaurant industry for at least the last 6 months, and it really has to stop.
even the poor dogs are out of food. they had rice for dinner last night.

someone come be my live in aide for a while and help me get out of this mess i'm in. i will pay well. :))

hope you all have happy days in your worlds today !
i might--if i get busy and actually pay my bills.

it's a shirty kinda day ummm night, uhh ya day - ish

cuz if you really wanna know,
at the moment, i am gettin rather irritated at the fact that
i am still awake.
not unusual lately, so i'm sure i'll live.
but i want to go to sleep.
just can't.
so i reckon til i burn somethin, i'm good.
:))

pre- PS:
which i think is actually called a "preface", right?
well- whatever it is ---
i started this post at 11 pm (yes, friday night)
it is now - 240 a.m
on this same "night"
i have yet to have laid down-- or slept.
and i am not happy about that
at all.
but hey--
i'm breathin.
we're good.

so, off we go-

Here it is, 11 pm, I’m wide awake, and exhausted at the same time. I should’ve had my old lady self in bed hours ago. I hate bein this way. But gone are the days of early to bed and early to rise I guess. Now it’s just take it as it comes, if it comes, and hope for the best. Hmmmm.

So anyways. I am finally attempting another video of my office. It’s uploading right now- to utube. Hopefully it’ll work this time. It’s still entirely too long. My voice is entirely too dull and boring. I don’t even know why I bothered makin it. blame smocha. She wanted to see it. hope she likes jimmy buffet :)) hope you do too actually.

I added the music in an attempt to cover my voice—but it didn’t work, so you have my voice and the music—and I’m not sure which is more irritating. Let’s just call it a bust and don’t watch it if you don’t want to. As if you would anyhow. Ahh I just saw the very end for the first time—ummm.. once again, the music runs longer than the video--- I don’t think I’ll ever get the hang of this stuff. Erg.

Omg--- this is killin me – I just went back to check utube—after like ten minutes or so—it was processing—I go back after another five minutes of piddlin around, and what does it say????? Yep. You guessed it--- video too long. Sonofabitch…..

So now, I just saved it as an email attatchment and next I will upload that to utube as a smaller file—and if it doesn’t work, well then I don’t know—smocha, you can just look at the pictures again I guess. Cuz I have had enough of this movie makin crap to last the rest of the year. And just in case I haven’t mentioned it--- sittin at this desk really makes my back hurt after a while—and it’s been longer than a while. I think while utube does its thang—I shall go take some meds, cuz it is lookin like I’ll be up all night if I don’t. hell, I may be up all night anyways by the looks of things right now. Make it stop. Someone. Anyone? Haaaeeellppp meeeeeee.

Holy crap man. I got a water, took my meds, went pee, got my checkbook-to pay some bills, and now I’m back, and the damn video is still “processing”

Kill me now.

This is soo boring. The video isn’t worth the hours I’ve spent on it. so just lie to me ok. Well, if it even works that is.

Sooooo anyways. Now what. I have had a rather uneventful lazy day. I really didn’t do much. I didn’t even return the ugly shirt.

(oh btw - in case you didn’t watch the video) --- or should I say—in case the damn video won’t uploadà>>

here it is again--- ugh—I should save it for a Christmas gift for Smocha LOL

"don't you buy no ugly shirt !"

(souls manic moment)

hmmm... it almost kinda doesn't look so bad in a picture. -- no-- i must return it. remind me it's ugly. 17.00 worth of U-G-L-Y. i could get two regular ole t-shirt raggamuffin shirts that i'm ust to wearin, for the cost of "that-ugly shirt" that oi would prolly actually never even put on. much less wear anywhere.

so , let's move on shall we?

OMG I just checked utube again.. it still says it is too long. That’s bullshit. ERG.

Forget it. sorry peeps. It’s not like the office is goin anywhere, there’s pics down below here somewhere… I will eventually be in the mood to do this again… but it won’t be tonight—or anytime soon. Good lord. There’s a good two hours gone. Poof. I woulda much rather read some blogs than waste my time messin with all that.

k. so now what? Well. First of all, I have to get away from this desk, before I end up in a back brace. Ugh. My back is killin me.

(5 minutes, and ten pounds of random shit moved to the soul chair later) ---

Oh yeah, that’s mo bettah.

But I still don’t have anything worth a crap to say. Hmmm. well hell.

oh , i know-- speakin of shirts-- here's a few i came across today whilst screwin around online-- while i was sposed to be payin my late bills. :] i am excused though-- cuz i couldn't focus. so call my shrink. :))

i bet i don't have to explain why i like any of them
i just DO
(do you??)

1-

of course a sloth would be my best friend-- i just haven't happened across a stuffed one yet. but when i do y'all will be the first to know about it !!!
and don't evenask me about the underlining--or especially the blue.
i have no earthly idea.
hmmmm... well hell.. they're both gone now.
a soul moment.
how quaint.

ok---- well.. how bout this one?
a bumper sticker !
now y'all know i want this!

i want like three or four of them actually--
1 for my car--
1 for the bubba mobile
1 for the boat
1 for my office-- somewhere
one for my scrapbook
1 for-- well, i'd figure somethin out
i just like stickers---
and i love sloths!

if i could have invented the sloth-- you know i would have!

2-

this one is just a hoot!

almost as much a hoot as the word hoot.
that's one of my favorite words actually.
sounds like something my aunt pat woulda came up with
they were a crazy bunch a people.
the clan ones-- and the poor folks who married into our bunch.
whoever said you aren't born with personality traits of people in your family that you had never met--
were dead wrong.
i see it a lot in each of us,
and it is very weird.
but better from dads side than moms.
:))
(no offense w-mc)
that's just the way it is.
too late anyhow.


ummm well crap. i'm finally gettin a bit tiahd. now that i am finally gettin into somethin.
so i spose i will get movin on and get this finished up.

i think i'll mention my office again-- one more time-- i just love it in here. i barely sit anywhere else in the house. the only thing i don't have in here is a damn fan. for some reason it gets real real hot back here. hubby can install a ceiling fan-- i'm just not sure if we wanna invest in one; not this close to a move.
you do realize our lease is up in december?
ugh.
i really don't think i have no gumption or desire to move that soon.
not anymore.
maybe if the soulkid would not throw a hissy fit if we left the school district, i might be all for it.
but she would have a herd if we even suggested that--
so it looks like we may stay another year.
i think we'll go six months at a time this go round tho.
not get locked into a year.
i really do want my own house.
i just don't want to pack, load, unload, etc again.
just the thought causes exhaustion and pain.
have i mentioned i hate to move?
well. i do.
maybe more than anything.
it's a close second to shopping.
or first.
i'd say first.
i hate to move more than anything else in the world.
i have literally had nervous breakdowns and cracked up--
from moving !
i think that is problem.
don't you?

3-

that is why i found this shirt so cool."Pray For Sloths" whoda thunk it? pray for sloths. omg..it has never occurred to me to pray for any poor slow movin innocent little sloth bein condemned - in slothdom... just for bein a sloth.

oh boy-a... i,,,za gittin mo tiahd by the minute, and typin on here attempting to sound at least somewhat intelligent --- and kowing that i am failing miserably -- only taking longer and longer while correcting triple the mistakes, as i go. --- (((miostakews))) ---btw is how i just spelled mistakes. just for an example of one of my many many typos that you are missin out on.

anyways-- shall we move on to another shirt i found today?
don't ask why it's red-- just roll with it---
ahh now, it's black.. wth?

4:

Portia!
remember the "inner bitch???"
i'll get you that one if you get me this one!!!
but i want black-- i don't know why yellow came up. :((
but this is just too cool mon.

5-

oh, and peoples--- how bout this one???
this will be the shirt i wear when i go kick a certain 18 year old guys ass--
all the way up to his eyez-ballz
the little fucker !

i really do try to avoid resentment.
in a lot of areal of my life--
ya know--
people, places, things.
for instance--
hell. oh sorry-- i mean, new mexico.
(for a place-)
the cats destroying my crap---
(for a thing)
and
you know by now-
there's a few
(persons)
who really need a couple sloth ninjas to kick their asses !!

6-

oh and folks this
awwww man...
THIS IS THE SOUL HAT -
of ALL SOUL HATS ---

i MUST HAVE IT
I WILL HAVE IT
SOON
IF NOT SOONER!

7-

and here we have the shirt to end all shirts!
bwa hahahaha

the question is----
who gets it?
smocha?
or
soul?

hahahahahahahah

well folks---
there you have some of the coolest-- and or ugliest shirts known to man-or woman kind-

i started this post at 11 pm on friday pm.
it is now 7:46 at the sound of the beep
BEEP
i did not sleep-
during this post-
but i did all kinds of other stuff.
but-- i did not cry-- and i was not sad.
i chatted on yahoo with a couple folks that i have missed lately.
i ate some butter-toffee-- yumm
i took some sleep meds-
that obviously did NOTHING.
i took some pain meds-
that helped just a little.
i obviously wrote a extremely boring poring post-
but i did try hard to keep it on the upside of things--
not sure if i did or not-
cuz i don't feel like readin it.
i smoked at least one and a half a pack of cigarettes.
i think.
hmmmm
i drank 2 bottles of water, 2 cups of coffee, and maybe a small glass of iced tea.
and i think that might be it.
did i mention fightin with that damn video for like 2 hours or more. ugh.l
that was a waste of damn time.

so. now. it's alost 8 in the morning on saturday. soulkid is at a friends house. been there all night.
soulman is still sleeping. but when he gets up he is goin to a guitar show in dallas or somewhere--
a place which i have no desire to go.
so.... i do believe that i am gonna go take my ass to the pond for a while.
when i get back-- or should i say on my way back-
i shall pick up lunch-cuz i haven;t grocery shopped in decades.
then i will cleanse my fishy--i hope-- self--
and sleep---
i hope.
i really really hope to get a very long nap nap this afternoon.
because if i do not--
i will be a very very bitchy soul for the rest of the day.
and nobody likes me when i am like that.

and, if all this shit goes as planed-- i should be feelin pretty good later on..
and if anything better or decent happens ---
i will let ya know .
cuz i tell ya--
i'm just about done with the cry baby bullshit---
and i know y'all are too.

so, i'm gonna see what i can do about
that.
no promises.
and hey---AC
"NO PRESSURE"

oh crap!
one more thing before i go--
i did happen to find one more thing to share with you--
i found it on accident...
it's a --
it's a --
it's
a
weekend
FAIRY!!!!!

woo hoo !!!

hope you all do have a great weekend--
it does look like mine is
startin with a nap-
i can't handle one more minute awake.
perhaps i will have a bit of energy for some fishin later on--
if i do- and manage to catch anything
i shall show you my catch this evening.

if not-- i shall cruise around and hope to catch up with y'all.
i miss ya and haven't forgot anybody.
just busy--- or senile--- or sleepin.
not a whole lot else happens around here lately-
but i'll work on that.

IT FEELS LIKE FRIDAY AND I HAVE HAD A HEADACHE FOR FOUR DAYS

WANNA JOIN ME FOR SOME

AND

OTHER STUFF ???

OK THEN, WHOEVER IS STILL HERE, LET'S START WITH THE FACT THAT--- i just noticed that i had my caps lock on. i hate it when i do that. because i am always too lazy to back-space and change it.

that isn't what i was gonna say though. i was gonna say, i have to pee .. and i will be right back. i think i shall get some coffee while i'm up too. cuz i'z tiahd. man, i'm always tired it seems. except when i'm supposed to be. but hey, i'll tell you more about that in a minute, cuz i am about to pee my pants!

ok, i'm back. and, to answer one of smochas many questions from the previous post ; no. i have not gotten a haircut yet. so, it is lookin and feelin similar to the photo above.
i'm just about as frazzled as that cat too. in fact, as i came back to this post a minute ago--- i forgot all about my coffee -- until i read that i was gonna get some. then i had to get back up and get it from the microwave. ugh. my memory is crap lately. well, when has it not been , right? it really is at its worst now more than ever though.

but anyhow, enough of that.
ok, maybe not enough of that. speaking of my poor memory. i began a post the other night, and never got it up here. it's sittin in the draft file right now. i don't even know what it says - i haven't read it. all i know is it was a night that i woke up at like 130, and never went back to bed. ahh yes, maybe the night i burnt my laptop keys. ugh. how stupid is that. anyhow-- i also noted the last couple lines on the post are obviously sleep bloggin lines. heavy heavy sleeping hands, that make no sense. so, now i wonder if i should put it up-- but i will have to read through it before i can decide. but knowing me, if i read it, i won't want to post it. so part of me says to just throw it up here, and let it lay. i wrote it for a reason right? even if i was half asleep.

good Lord i can be stupid sometimes.
ok-- speaking of stupid-- take a look at this picture:

see the dude on the far left?
now, pretend he doesn't look like he's about to vomit --
doesn't he look JUST like soulman????
well.. like twenty years ago??
i think so.
i think so alot.
very weird.
i keep forgettin to put it up here-
i even forgot to show him.
what if it is him?
back in the day. haha.
that would be funny.

alrighteee then , now what? ya want me to just toss my sleep-post up here? ok i will.. but i am not gonna proof read it-- you get it as-is. cuz i'm just lazy like that---

i hope it doesn't mess up this one gettin to that one-- i guess i'll copy and paste it off the draft to keep from messin things up-- i hope.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

(middle of the night monday? maybe tuesday?)

so. have you ever noticed that when you get caught up in your own little world, that sometimes it becomes hard to see anything outside of your own little world? i'm sure you have, but if so, why do you-- or we, keep going back to that?

yes, i am speaking of myself here, in a way. but the thing is, i'm sure i'm not the only one who does it.
i'm a hermit by nature. well, that's not entirely true. i became a hermit over time, but as i became comfortable living that way, it was ok. it was just the way things were. ya. "why don't i put a price tag on that?" it depends on how ya look at it. most men would be happy to have a woman who hated to leave the house, or shop--especially. no fancy clothes, or jewelry, or :out with the girls", or whatever it is "people do'. nope, not me.

ya know, kinda like me... i took the kid to school, came home, picked up the kid from school, came home, perhaps had a dr appointment in the day, cooked dinner - usually before hubby got home from work. i was basically a stepford wife. but in reality--- i was agoraphobic. terrified in a grogery store..forget about a department store. oh and Lord forbid, i enter a mall. i might go into the mall...once a year, for christmas. if i was lucky. or if my kid was persuasive enough.
i don't know what i'm trying to get to here. not a clue. maybe just how far i;Ive come this passed year or so. and then again, how far i have seen my self fall behind in only a few short weeks. pretty wild i think. swingin by in the pendulum. waving right passed normal, i swing by. normal? balance? huh? i never heard of such a thing.


well... speakin of swingin passed balance and shit-- i just passed into the twilight zone.

(back in the now)

(i went ahead and deleted the chicken scratch where i obviously fell asleep at the helm)

maybe i shoulda just left it in the draft file eh? but oh well. maybe whatever it is i was trying to get at will come to me one day and i will finish it up??? who knows. guess we'll find out another day. ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

ok folks, how bout we start over???

i think we have all established the fact that i am half outta my mind lately-- but hey-- half, is better than all the way. right? oh and hey-- just the fact that i am posting right now shows that my shrink did not lock me up the other day. that much is good . which reminds me:
a few people had asked what the ole head shrinker had to say...
ya know, she has been my doc since 2000? maybe even 1999. no of course you didn't , but you do now. she's almost like family :)) of course i'm kidding. but people just don't stick around that long in soul-land. of course-- i pay her to stick around, so she doesn't have much of a choice does she. ha!
but anyways-- losin my train of thought here--again. sorry--but as soon as i got there, she gave me the strangest look . i can't even put it into words. i didn't think i looked too awful "bad" that day. i mean i was havin a decent hair day at least. but i was like half seated, and on the way down, and that "look" stopped me cold. so i''m just like holdin the chair arms, and stopped half way down and was like
"what??"
i didn't have a clue as to why she would look at me that way. i wish i could explain it. it was freaky. almost like i had something on my head or face that just did not belong there. ya know? i don't know. but it seemed like a full two minutes passed before she spoke, but i'm sure it wasn't that long. but she finally broke the silence with a chuckle and says..
"you look like you have dark circles under your eyes, i think it's the shadows".
(she's from pakistan, so with her accent it sounded funny)
so i went ahead and sat and i said "it is dark circles under my eyes"
and that's how we began our conversation...
with her wondering "why" ? (i looked so absolutely shitty)




and it ended with me asking for a prescription for pot!
she laughed, and told me she can't prescribe it--- but she would for me if she could. she is so cool. i then asked if she had anything at all she could give me to just make it all go away?? unfortunately, that was a no as well.
but, she did get me to laugh a little and it was good. she also doubled my prozac-- from 40 mg to 80 mg. the highest i've ever gone on prozac was 60 mg. hmmm. hopefully it's gonna help. if not-- she will wean me off of the effexor-- and we shall try something else. i think i'm just a lost cause. i have been on anything and everything at one time or another-- the only thing i have not tried is electric shock. and i'll tell ya--- if i am gonna sit around and cry or be mental all the time? i just may go there. i asked for it once several years ago-- when absolutely nothing would help me. i was so in depression for months and months. but still, my doc-- same one-- didn't want to risk it. but i won't go that long like that again. but-- don't freak yet--- i do have good days on occasion, so i'm not considering it yet. only if i can't dig myself out again. then i might think about it.
anyhow, as i walked out i said "don't be surprised if you find me crying on your doorstep one of these days".
(i have done that before-- like three times, and each time, i was admitted. so, she wasn't sure if she should laugh or not-- but she chuckled , and so did i . then i got in my car, and i cried. dammit. make up my mind would ya??/)

so yep.. that's how things have been goin lately. can't sleep-- or sleep too much. can't eat, or eat too much. can't think--or think too much. don't talk-- or -- yep-- talk too much. (meaning, say the wrong thing to the wrong person.. or whatever.. ya know what i mean? people just don't understand. but-- then again when i keep it all inside-- it makes me stupid. "for lack of a more politically correct term :))

ok, what else. wanna talk about manic for a minute??? as in manic-depressive "manic".
for the first time in my life i am havin the "good" kinda "manic".... only it's not that great. i mean it leaves destruction in its wake. but hell.. when i'm "in it" it's not too bad.
like for instance -- i been shoppin my ass off! i NEVER shop---ever. y'all know that. lately? i been shoppin for days! course i don't have any money, really. so little money, i have even skipped a few bills-- only til tomorrow, so they aren't REAL late... only a few days late. but still... i AM my mothers' daughter. i'm a shoppin fool.



last night.. i maxed out .... as in totally almost within 25.00 maxed out my sears card. remember how i said i was gonna get a little tv for my office? umm, well i did. only i didn't get the little one that i thought i might get. nope. they had one. a simple 13" regular tv. 109.00. i almost got it. but then.... i saw IT. it's still in the box, but tonight or tomorrow- i will show it to you-- but i just HAD to have it. so unlike me. y'all know right? i just don't do that. and i had hubby with me. i thought maybe he would help me control myself. well, he didn't. so i got IT. a 19" HD tv, with a built in DVD player.. that will hook up to my laptop! how friggin cool is THAT???? too cool to return, dontcha think? cuz yep i thought about it. i thought about it all day-----

all day---while i was shoppin :)) at Ross.. and Marshalls -- with my other credit card. :((
it didn't have much left on it-- but it had enough to make me sick for spendin it. it's maxed out again now too. oops. but hey. the office looks mahvelous. Plus, i got some shirts for myself. i never buy myself clothes. i wear clothes i have had for six years! i'm always buyin stuff for the hubby or kid. this time i bought shit for ME.
oh but i got the ugliest shirt ever made. i just don't know what i was thinkin. i have to return it tomorrow. i had to ask soulman if it was really as hideous as i thought it was---- he was speechless ! ROFLMAO!!! i told him , no need. now i know it's awful, if you can't say anything. ugh.
really. it's baaaad. i'll show you it too, before i take it back. ugh. really. wth is wrong with me?
maaaan. maybe i should go to the hospital-----before we go bankrupt !! next thing ya know i'll be hoppin trains across country or some shit. geesh.
but hey-- i don't think i've cried since i left my shrinks office. i think i could get used to this kinda thing. well, as long as i don't end up broke--or in jail. :))

oh and just so ya know-- my "normal -manic" --- is baaaaddddd--- i have never had a episode where it's even remotely fun or exciting. i usually get really really angry-- for no "apparent" reason... and i hate it. and i hate everybody. but not lately. not this time. very strange.
i wonder how long it'll last? i better get to decorating my guest room and stuff--- before it wears off. ya think? :))

i am tired though. i think i will be goin to bed soon. not sayin i'll sleep. never know when that'll happen. seems the more tired i am, the less i sleep. weird huh?

so anyways... i think this post is feelin very long right now--- so i bettah shut thy face.

perhaps i will set up my tv, and re-video my office--- because in answer of another of smochas questions--
nope-- i did not edit the other too long video-- it will take less time and effort to just make a new one---- besides i have more new stuff in here anyways.

so-- i shall return. sometime in the near future.

come back and see me... if you dare.

and bring food!!!!

respectfully request permission to get off my ass , sir!

happy tuesday peoples-- it IS tuesday? ya. ok. dammit. i can't keep a thing straight anymore. ugh.
in case you didn't notice-- last nights' post-- yep-- sleep blogging. sorry. gotta stop that. wth is wrong with me? i just try to keep up with people and seem to just make more of a mess of things. but hey.. i'm workin on that. guess ya couldn't tell by recent posts, but i am.
actually, maybe ya can't tell by anything.. but i am. i really am trying to change things, work on things, make things better. etc etc etc. i just don't know if i'm making any progress. i can only hope that i am.

i had a very interesting conversation with my soulkid yesterday. a few actually. i won't go into detail. but i will say--- i see progress in that kid that is truly amazing to me. WHEN-- or IF- i allow myself to realize just how new she is at this "gettin clean" thing. she's really just a baby. maybe two weeks clean? tops. wow. i remember my first two weeks. and booze is much easier to get than drugs-- or at least i would assume so. who even knows anymore. but i know the temptation is there for her. i know she wants to use. and i know it isn't easy for her to not.
but she isn't, and it's tough. for all of us. her mood swings can be insane at times. but once we realized it was withdrawl, and not some behavioral -- or mental thing.. it's getting easier.
and she is getting easier to talk to-- and with. i am not sayin that i don't think she won't ever use again. but i sure hope she doesn't. i think she has a really good start. she has a good support system. and it was wonderful to talk the way we did together yesterday. not once did she raise her voice to me. that was a first-- in literally months.

so anyways--
that's that on that.


and now--- i have to get the hell UP. i slept late -- again today. that's been hapennin a lot lately. well.. on days i sleep i should say. but i'm talkin sleepin til, 9, noon. that just never happens for me. i am totally exhausted. and like i said-- sleep bloggin lately too. and sleep posting-- of all things last night-- apparently hubby rescued me..again. but hey-- at least i wasn't smokin! :))

but as for now-- soulman is at his ortho appt-- and for all i know they could be puttin a pin in his hand--and here i am, sittin on my dead ass. i didn't go with him, cuz i have ten thousand things to do. things that i am waaaay behind on. such as bills, mailin stuff to people-- that SHOULD have been mailed weeks ago. i STILL have not got a haircut! i started bitchin about my hair at least 6 weeks ago-- just imagine how sick of it i am right now. ugh. but, what do i do? i just sit here and stare blankly at the wall, or the black tv screen.. and do nothing. holy crap. somebody send a cattle prod !

so, for those who care-- i am gonna clean myself up-- run my errands, pay my bills, mail my crap--or "yours" whichever... then come back and clean my friggin sty and do laundry, --- by then it will be time to get my child. then i have to bring her home and get myself to an appointment-- and after that-- the plan is to meet back up with the soul clan, and see a movie and have dinner later after hubby gets off work and picks up z child.

see? the day is full.. and i am still in my jammies. what a laze.


but-- my appointment today is with my shrink-- and i am gonna discuss this med crap-- cuz i really don't think it's workin for shit. i'm just as screwed up as i would be if i wasn't takin anything at all. but-- it's ok. i have a good doc, and she'll take care of me. let's just hope she don't lock me up---
;))
kidding.. i'm not that bad-- anymore. maybe a week ago. but not today.

anyhooooo i really gotta get off me arse and accomplish something. for me.. it seems that is what makes me feel the best. just doing, and seeing, and feeling... something.

i will see you folks later--
happy days to all of you--


bye

you hate me don't you?

awwww, don't look so serious. that's just a thing i say. but you do. huh?don't be hatin. i'm really tryin to get my shit together. but as you can see; it isn't workin out too well. in fact, let's use now as an example. i am soooo tired, i'm simply cross eyed. but am i asleep? obviously not.
then why in the hell am i on the computer? i bet that's your next question. right? well, that would be because, i have already read a magazine, and watched tv. and i have actually napped a little here and there. i just keep waking up. then falling asleep. then waking up. and so on.
it is extremely irritating. but then again, so is the bass (not fish-- music--:)) --coming thru my bedroom wall... and the sound of call of duty on xbox being played--- in the living room-- as it flows into my --- what should be quiet ---- bedroom.
oh stop bitchin. i'm tryin not to. :))
i should get a trophy for complaining queen lately, dontcha think?
really, i'm finally beginning to realize what a whiney little bitch i am. not that realizing it will change anything. but it sure is pissin me off. i think i have actually got so "thirsty", i'm what people in AA call bein on a "dry drunk". i'm just as cry baby , sloppy, poor me about everything. i may as well be drunk.
i don't know know why but it all hit me today. i'm not givin it all away though. i will admit-- some of it is justified. this is some hard shit to deal with. alot of what i'm sayin and feelin, and dealin with, and same with soulman... this is soul hell fo shizzle.
but hey-- i'm gettin pretty sick and tired of waitin for:
soul to come in here and rescue me. or for "dad to tell me what to do".. or to find blame with my mom, cuz i don't know how to be one. or with God, cuz He finds ways to make me struggle.
it gets damn old sittin on your ass waitin for shit to change. do y'all realize that?
and you know-- i have a habit of cleaning-- or as you see-- decorating--- or at times-- fishing-- or other time consuming, energy sucking tasks--- to take my mind off things. just for a while. which actually end up costing me days of sleep-- several meals--- an occasional friend or two--- and sometimes what little sobriety i have managed to hoard up. among other things.
sooooo---- as i was sittin here-- or should i say, layin here, trying to put my tired ass to sleep, my mind of course is goin 300 miles an hour, and making that simple feat impossible. so, i began to listen to what "i" had to say.
ya know, i make some good sense sometimes, if i listen. :))

well, when i can hear myself over the techno beat and the c'mon, you suck of the xbox man.
ugh.
did someone say road trip? hmmm.
lesssssrroooollll!!!
you drive-- i'll sleep!!!!

ok folks-- now tthat i have made absolutely not one lick-a-sense
i thik i shall try once more to go to sleep. i'm way too old for this not sleepin shit. ugh that reminds me-- i had a mental moment today -- driving soulkid to the doctor! we've been there 5 times---- but half way there, wth do you think happened? i totally got LOST! i could not figure out where i was or how to get there from where i was.
i knew as much to know that i was at the mall.. and my child was totally freakin out thinking i was not comin out of "this one"..
but "it came to me"-- with a little help from my soulkid-- and the old GPS-- that she thought to get out and program.
omg-- poor kid.

she had a good day today btw --- just in case you're wondering. i'm proud of her. she is doin good .
tryin real hard. so if you happen to be one that is prayin for her-- thanks, and keep it up, please.

i must sleep now.
see you manyana---

it's another outta my mind monday

(i'll organize these pics better later--- it explains whaddup later in the post-- you can click on the pix to make emm bigger iff'n ya want ta)

happy day to ya--
aaahll be baaaack.














howdy peeps...

hope y'alls monday isn't feelin too monday-ish.
boy, mine sure is.... here's one reason why----


yep. that really is MY laptop. :((
i woke up last night after little to no sleep. and for whatever reason, stayed up. i went to bed around 1130-ish. i think. at least that's when i took my meds and layed down. then something woke me up at about 130 a.m. i got up and checked on the girls-- surprisingly, they were sleeping. i decided to have a cigarette. with intentions of going back to bed. but that didn't happen. i ended up online-- and i couldn't even really tell you what i was doin on there. some of you maybe could, if i ended up at your place, but hell if i know.
the only way i even know i was online is cuz i burnt the hell out of my keyboard !!! (see above? )
never, ever, have i done that before. i guess i'm gonna throw some clear nail polish on the keys that burned and hope it prevents any peeling--- but with my luck it will only make it worse. i can't think of anything else to do do though.

one thing good about it? i could have stayed in bed for that cigarette and burned up the whole house with everyone in it, right?
my goodness, i gotta stop the smokin in the middle of the night. even when i don't "think" i'm tired.... like last night-- if ya think about it-- i was up and smokin and doin God knows what only a couple hours after takin 3 xanax and a couple muscle relaxers ! people have been known to drive-- and not even know it-- in that condition. i could see ME doin somethin like that. only cuz i am me. i just have luck like that. hell, knowin me , i'd prolly end up at the pond or some shit someday-- swimmin with the fishes--- only i'd be belly up. :))

someone just put me outta my misery would ya???


nah, i don't mean it that way. things are not so bad this last day or so. i guess writing about it helped me-- not that it makes it right to lay it out there for y'all-- i do know it's not "normal", in fact it's creepy and down right strange, for a person to "talk that way". but really, i am the type of person that when i "talk"-- or write something that has me in its grips-- it really does kinda lose it's power over me. and that's what happened when i wrote all that mental stuff. sometimes if i just get it outta my head, it helps. so i hope none of you got too upset over it. it is never ever my intent to upset any of you.

ok.. now i've lost my train of thought.
i'm trying to kill time as my office video uploads to utube so i can put it up here. yes, i did decide to video tape it. forgive me if you hate it. i was sleep deprived-- and like i said-- most likely a little on the over medicated side too. but it does show more detail than the pix.
but i spose i will put pix up too-- for the folks who can't handle the time or voice of the tape.


anyhow.. i really really wanna go back to bed-- but i have so much to do today i can't even stand the thought of it. i reckon i'll get back to you though on if i actually DO anything--or go to bed though. cuz the child has an appointment at 4--and another from 6 til 8. so with my entire evening booked solid? i think i really should get at least a few hours sleep before running myself down too awful much. the mono still takes a lot of my energy.
the familiy managed to get by without getting sick, so i am guessing i have passed the contagious
stages.. PHEW... so now i just really need to keep resting while i can, so i don't relapse. at least that's what the ole doctah say.

well, alrighteee then. i spose i am out of stuff to say for now.. lemmee get some pics up and check the video--- hope you likee.


and i hope you all have really good days today.

CRAP! utube finally finished my video-- BUT said it was too long to publish. just peachy.


oh well.. here's some photos.. for now. maybe later i will edit the video to make it shorter- maybe not. we shall seee. but for now-- i think i will go have a nap.

EEErrrggghhh !

hi folks...

i know it's a bit late to bother writin now-- anyone who was gonna stop by prolly did already for the day--- thanks btw--- but anyhow, for those who haven't - or if it's mornin, or whatever--

here i am. and hi--

man that's all a bunch of stupid stuff eh... anyhow--- i feel like crap, in case you wondered. hope you feel good. i was starting off with this post with what was sposed to be pix of my newly finished office. aren't they lovely?? ya, i thought so too. soon as i went to shoot photos, i found out my battery was dead. just one of the little joys that comes with parenthood i reckon. at least i got the camera back in one piece. guess i shouldn't complain too much.

so anyways. yep-- my office is complete. all the way down to my shadow box on the wall.
now i'm thinkin i want to get a little tv to put in here. when you see the pix you'll know what i mean, but the way this place is built makes it hard for there to be full silence from the house in here, cuz above the doorway, is a opening like bigger than my body. maybe 3x7 or so. i don't know why they build places like this. maybe so it would be like a dining room, and not a room all it's own. i don';t know , but i need to find a way to block that hole. i have been in here the entire day and i wish i could have not heard any of what i've been hearing. my daughter is on a cussing kick. no idea why-- but she is saying really bad things. kinda like a tourettes person--- well, if they really are like the one i saw on dr Quincy almost a million years ago. ugh. but ya. anyhow. it's lovely. and apparently someone smells like a burnt asshole, just so ya know. :))

then, aside from her-- oh btw-- no she isnt just running around the house cussing-- she has a friend here. makes it a little less weird, but not much.
so anyhow--- soulman, with his broke ass hand, doesn't seem to be havin any trouble playin xbox live call of duty 4.... and cussing. ughugh ugh ugh ugh.

now picture it-- he did finally succumb ,l somewhat to my bitching about the noise of that game---- so he bought some headphones for it , right? so now , i don't hear the game itself being played, no guns, bombs, etc etc..... now , all i hear is-- just wait you fuckin bitch. shit. oh c'mon. all kindsa stupid crap---- for houuuuuuuuurrrs. and hooooouuuuuuuuuuuuurs.

imagine yourself sitting quietly, sorting papers, or hanging a picture, and suddenly you hear-- for no apparent reason.. among all but silence----- c'mon you fuckin bitch!!!!! cory's a fuckin burnt asshole !!!!!

OMG somebody just kill me!! right now would be good. i wouldn't mind. really.
i swear. i'm goin crazy enough as it is. do you think i need the added cussing and anger just free flowing through the house, when i am just minding my own business???
it really is very strange and upsetting. it affects my mood. and no one is even talkin to me or lookin at me.. it's just the "c'mooooon you fuckin bitch! wtf!!!"

i think i'll just croak. right here in my nice office. :))
actually all i planned on sayin was i was gonna take pix but my camera died. oh and also i was gonna say it would look better if i did a video of it--- but my gawd---- if you guys heard the music, and the cussing behind me-- you'd --- i don't know what you'd, but i'd have to explain. ugh
well.. now i don't, just in case i do decide to film it . it's hard to get a good pic of a entire room.

but anyhow-- i had no clue what time it was til i sat down here---- and i am sooooo thrilled to know that i can go to bed now!!!!!

i shall be around in z mornin.

goo-night

ps--- SMOCHA--- when you comin????
i'll fix up your room next -- but i'm savin the kitchen for YOU bwahahahahahaha

talk to the hand (saturday 2)

WELP -- IT'S OFFICIAL.


(BUT DON'T ASK ME WHY THAT'S BLUE)

soulman went to the doc today -
his hand is definitely broken.
they splinted and wrapped it.
then referred him to ortho---
they said ortho may re-break, and then do surgery and pin it--
can we say OWWWWCH !?

men.

well, not just men, i guess i have done it myself a time or two.
just the way things are goin right now i reckon.
i reckon it could be worse.
coulda been that punk ass boys face right?
too bad it wasn't.
but at least the wall didn't put him in jail.
it was actually the fridge. (sigh) who knew?
not me. not til he got back from the dr and i asked
what the wall looks like.
perhaps i should go look at the fridge eh?

anyhow.

pretty slow day around here today--
whatchoo been up to???

where have all the fishies gone?

a lot of you have seen this, but many haven't. so here it is.
(again). i haven't watched it in a long time myself. but it just goes to show-- that we have overcome some pretty bad times in our life and years together (hittin 17+ now) -- and i have to believe that we will get beyond this too. we have to, right?

happy saturday folks--
i'm gonna finish up my office today and get a pic up-- sometime. doesn't need much more than the floor and dusting now. i ran outta gas yesterday before i got all the way done.

i shall try to get some cruisin done after a while-- i have realized-- i haven't paid bills in a while. oopsy!




Untitled from brezz on Vimeo.

still friday----

and it still sucks... but i just thought i'd check in with ya... even tho it is the weekend and it'll prolly be slow around here til monday.
anyhow-- i haven't taken a pic of my office yet-- but i will.
i did go fishin today, but only for a while, about an hour. didn't catch anything. i don't think i even got a bite. not sure what's up over there. the fishin is nothin like it was last year. remember some of those fish i hauled out of there last summer? damn, i bet i had 4 and five pounders almost every day. at least limits of 3 pounders. wonder wth happened. maybe someone started keepin em outta there or somethin?? dunno. sure is no fun to go over there and not catch fish though.
anyhow. i picked up soulkid after school. she told me that a kid died of a heroin overdose. i guess last night. she didn't know him, but she knew of him. i guess she had seen him around etc. i hope it was a wake up call for her. or a reminder. here we are with another weekend in front of us, and she wants to go places and see her friends, and i of course want to chain her to her bed, or keep her with me- under me the whole time. i know i can't though. and it surely sucks.
i think my ulcers busted through again. when i was fishin i got the most awful belly ache in the world-- it still hasn't stopped. erg.
if i woulda known then , what i know now--- i woulda got fixed after number two. this is like havin acid dripped slowly on every inch of my body.
somebody make it stop.

and enjoy your weekend :))

i really am gonna try.
i have been through worse. at least she isn't underground. right? every day she's above ground-- we'll call a good day. or something.

i'll be back tonight or tomorrow --- hopefully with something not so drab to talk about.

i miss my dad

he would know just the right thing to say or do right now. i don't know why i think that. i just do.
i barely knew him really. i spent little time with him in my life. but i sure wish i could have one hour with him today.

he died before soulkid was born. but i just know that he would have been really good for her. and her for him. my dad had four daughters. me, smocha, and two others from a first wife. he was cheated out of watching all of us grow , marry, everything. each relationship he had with any of us girls was formed or mended within his last couple years of life. he told me of his regrets of that... and how he would have changed it if he could have. well, i would have changed it too-- if my mother didn't make him out to be the devil for the first 20 years of my life. i hate her for that. out of every terrible thing she said or did to me--- i hate her for costing me my father.

it's too late now. he's gone. and i can't change that. but i know he was a smart man. a loving man. and i know that he would know just what to say or do to help my kid right now. because i sure don't.

i don't know anything, except that my little family is not anything like i ever thought it would be right now. and i don't know how to fix it.

hubby may have broke his hand last night. he punched a wall. stupid, yes. he knows it too. but really, it looks pretty bad, and he has to see a dr today for it.

we're all just fallin apart here. the soul ship is sinking, and i am afraid that it won't be salvageable.

yesterday, i pretended i was alive and i decorated my office. finally, after living here for almost a year. i put my nautical things and some pictures out etc. today i need to vacuum the floor and maybe i'll put up a pic. the nautical theme is from my dad. and a lot of the things i have were his. he is on my mind a lot.

i think i may pretend to be alive again today and hit the pond for a while. i feel like a sack of rice still, and i bet i could go back to bed for the rest of the day--- but i can't keep doin that. i have to live. i can't let this kill me, altho i do feel dead already.
maybe if i get this shithole cleaned up, get all the damn dirty laundry on my kitchen floor washed and outta there.. and pretend that i have a life-- just maybe i will feel like the next breath is worthwhile... but if i keep on sittin around here, waiting for the next horrible thing to happen, nothing is ever gonna get better.

this is makin my head hurt. i'll be back later.
sorry i'm not keepin up with your comments or pages-- i am readin tho-- and i appreciate every one of you !

one of these days i'll be me again. i hope.