here are my dogs..... again....see why i missed them?

i'm never gonna get caught up

i have to get off this computer before my brain melts.
i will rearrange, and post other pix latah.
i will also try to get caught up on comments.
if i don't make it to comments, do not feel neglected...just realize, that i am far behind on everything...and my mind is in NM with my child.
i must go get my errands done...have to drive again...gawd! and go pay my rent. crap! etc etc etc.
why can't i just stay in my jammies all day and do nuthing?

Another Weekend Escape

(CLICK NOTEBOOK PAGES FOR EASIER READING..OR YOU WILL GO BLIND!)

(i will scan and post the record photos later..i'm sick of scanning at the moment!)

get my fish brotha man!

(there are one or two of me and the kid...but they are on HER camera.. in NM. :(
it's sooo weird to wake up and NOT go in her room to check on her :{

helloo..anybody here?

i'm almost finished scanning my weekend handwritten blog. fun stuff! NOT!
i will have it up in a few. be patient. it's a lot of stuff.

HI PEEPS !!!! I"M BACK!!!

i missed everybody! i see y'all said hi... even though you knew i didn't even have a computer! how sa-weet of you!!! nice to have a welcome home. :))

anyhow... even though i didn't have acess to a computer to blog with... i am so ate up, and wanted to keep y'all up to date , to such an extent... that i hand wrote at least twenty or thirty pages while i was out there!!! i will warn you now that my handwriting resembles that of a six year old... but i am sure you will survive it. i am going to scan it later, and post some photos too. not many, and mostly of hubby and bro in law fishin. me and the young un didn't really leave the room much. but we had fun.

i won't get to that until fairly late...i'm guessing. because they have to fly out at 7 tonight... gotta get the kids laundry done...then dinner.. then, the lovely drive to dallas... and the dreaded "goodbye" to my hip... i mean, my daughter. :(( then of course, the wonderful, drive back from dallas. i'm never driving again!

ok. anyhow. i'm gonna go TRY and see what y'all have been up to, but may not have time to comment right now. i will get caught up with everyone probably in the morning, when i am able to finally have some down time.

i sure hope everyone is ok, and had a great weekend.

i'm back..for a sec...

was just takin a break... I just dropped my babies off at the kennel. awww. it's horrible to leave them at those places. i always worry about them. especially midnight. she could kick the bucket any day, and i don't want that to happen and me not be there.
now i just need to finish dishes, vac the floor, clean out my car...load the car...and we are outta heah!

ok.. anyhow..i was just checkin to see if anyone had anything to say, but either y'all are busy ...or ya thought i was already gone.

anyhow.. i was wrong..we will be back sunday night, not monday night... so will c ya then.


byeee

i KNOW I am working...BUT

i just jumped on to see if anyone was talkin to me. :) it's an addiction...or obsession. haven't figured out which yet.
but anyhow...i came across this post. i just love to read marks writing. go check this one out.
ok..i'm outta here..still packin. YES...i too wait to the very last second to do such tedious tasks! bad me.
bye.

The Naked Soul "The Magic Of Life"

Soul-Sickness

ya know... i been thinkin...
now, does anything good ever actually come from THAT sentence? written, OR spoken?
just thought i'd ask.


i hate conflict...and i hate doubt...i hate bullshit...and i hate lack of trust. right? oh, and i hate "rejection". it doesn't have to be direct rejection. it just has to be rejection "perceived by ME" ... because I am ME, afterall. right?

so anyhow.. i have been "ill" for what literally feels like weeks... though, it has really been like four days. i don't feel "so" bad this morning. aside from my throat. and i FINALLY got some freakin meds for that. (and the belly etc). but ya know what? i had to go through hell yesterday to get that. HOURS upon HOURS of HELL.

so, back to the "thinkin" thing. maybe my head is just not in the right place right now. lack of food, lack of meds, being literally bedridden and fatigued, in pain, watching the house fall apart around me, feeling guilty because my daughter has been cooped up for a week. perhaps.

then there's the other stuff.. the bills that aren't getting paid, the extra money on meds and doctors going out, did i mention being stuck in friggin bed feeling worse by the day, rather than better? this is not how i want to live.

my brother in law is coming to visit in like one week. (hubbys bro) . my entire house looks like fuckin hell has been turned loose here. i did get a bed for him, like three days or so before i had the GI scope, etc done... yet it remains gathering dust in the garage. "the guest room" still sits begging; waiting to be cleared out and decorated into a bedroom vs. a storage room. the kitchen? don't even ask. i won't even mention the entire rest of the place that is in dire need of attention. so what does all this mean? i am forced to immediately transfer myself, from death bed, to "robo -maid" overnight??? UGH.

this and more really does nuthing good for my frame of mind. and this shit is MY world.

what about BLOG world? can anyone say "mind fuck"? that's what this whole blog thing is becoming for me this past few days. is it my frame of mind? i hope it is. cuz i feel a major NEED to "Step AWAY from the computer" for a while. the petty arguments...the i can be worse off than you, funnier than you, better than you, ... what the hell? (by "you", i don't necessarily mean myself..it's a general statement). you means all of us.

why did i open myself up to faceless people in the first place? i got myself in the middle of places i should have never gotten in front of! or perhaps behind even. and now here i am... all pissed off and confused about people and shit that just plays games with my mind...and it's the same shit that always has. the same shit i said i would never get into again. but here i am, doing the same dumb shit AGAIN.

i hope that i can manage to get my meds going again today, and get some food...solid , nutritional real food...to go down, today.... and STAY there. i hope i can manage to stand on my feet, and sit upright in a chair, and get some cleaning etc accomplished here...without barfing, or fainting.

and i can only hope that it will make a difference.

if not... i just may shut this fucker down, and write my book.

here's a little sumthin sumthin to lighten the atmosphere

y'all have to go read this!

http://tobeme.wordpress.com/

the have a little faith one..posted jul 18.

by: The Naked Soul

awesome stuff!

and so where i have been...and also where i am going. ack!

i'm alive...coulda fooled me

hi everybody!
thanks y'all... for all the well wishes, prayers , thoughts, encouragement... and hopefully that extra cup of coffee you drank for me today...because...for once, i didn't get a headache this time...so who is gonna take the credit for that one? :))

anyhow, i am home... i am alive...and it at this point seems that i will be staying that way. the good news is ...there is NO bleed. the bad news is... i have no idea why i feel so shitty. but anyhow...
let's back up shall we...?

we first get there, do all the papers etc... they didn't make me give them ANY money..WOO HOO. but i will get a bill...for 20 percent...of a still unknown amount. whatever. i like surprises...sometimes.

we got there at 730...got all prepped , vitals, etc, and set up in a room w/hubby for i don't know how long, not long really...they took me in at 945 for the scope. it's not done under anesthesia, it was demerol w / valium i think. which in a way is good... because i don't handle anesthesia well anyhow. BUT... i do have a high tolerance for "drugs". even though the strongest thing i currently take is friggin asperin. (not counting xanax)... so anyhow... one time before... many years ago, i had a procedure done, under this same type of drug...and i friggin woke up! i have literally and seriously been traumatized by that experience. so ever since then.. if i do things like this, i tell them... i have a high tolerance...give me extra. others have... apparently this guy did NOT. know why i know? because i woke up! i didn't know what the hell was goin on. i felt like i had a damn chainsaw in my throat! i choked and tried to pull back and get up, and spit the damn "thing" out of my mouth. i really could have caused him to injure me! i feel the nurses hols me down and someone push the thing back in my mouth...he's telling me he's biopsying my "something"... almost done. i don't care if he's almost done...that shit HURT.
now y'all know, i live every day of my damn life in some sort of pain... head, back, neck, stomach. tooth....name it... if it belongs to me, on one day or another the shit hurts. BUT THIS... OMG... it made me cry! i haven't cried due to physical pain in i can't remember when. maybe the breast lumpectomy may have made me cry. i don't remember. but this shit made me cry. but whatever he was cutting...or pulling..or ripping out of me, was almost finished, cuz it wasn't all that much longer before he did finish. but i still cried for a while. i was still crying even after they went and found hubby to bring in there. it SUCKED! and then they go on to tell me it's gonna be sore for another two to three days. LOVELY. i still have that novacaine feeling in my throat and still feel pain...not as severe of course..... but ... i am fearing the pain. ugh.

so anyhow... i was a cry baby. i still haven't had any coffee. or water for that matter. they said there was a choke risk, so i had to wait til... 11:50 to drink "sips of water"... BULLSHIT!... i'm havin coffee! i even started a pot as soon as we got home. so it would be ready and waiting. but hubby is being a stickler, i just asked him to bring me a cup...he says...it's not 1150..and you haven't had water yet. ooooh...i'm gonna make HIS throat hurt if he doesn't bring me coffee within the next three minutes! LOL

ok... rewind again... as for any results... i don't have any. except that there was no bleeding, and there was some sort of i don't remember how they said it... but my esophagus had been closing/closed??? so the did something to make it wider. (dialated?). that's all i know so far. oh he gave me a rx for something too. but i don't remember what. we dropped it off , hubby will pick it up later.

anyways... i'm falling asleep ... i better get off her. just wanted to check in.
hubby won't give me coffee..til i have my medicine. at first i thought...how mean..i'll kill you. then i took a drink of water. first one since last night. it hurt like hell. good hubby. now i fear HOT coffee in my throat, when cool water hurt me. i think i shall just go to sleep and attempt the coffee later on. maybe

laterz peeps
have good days

Tuesdays Gone With The Wind...

hi all.........
here i sit, once again, with cottonmouth, and direct orders to NOT drink anything until after my appointment. oh man, it's killing me. especially smoking with such a dry mouth. anyone ever driven through death valley in the summer, with no air conditioning? that about describes my mouth right now. lovely, i know. but it's true.

going and having a giant snake like camera stuck down my throat is really not my idea of the way i would choose to spend my day, but , the clock is ticking quickly this morning. i'd really rather not do this, and i'm sure that hubby would rather do something other than sit at the hospital waiting for hours for me to get done. again. poor guy. how many times he's had to wait for me at hospitals, i couldn't even tell ya. if they didn't demand you had someone there, i wouldn't ask him to go. he'd go anyways, but i wouldn't feel bad about it. at least i get to sleep through most of it.

i will try to get on here as soon a i come out of my drug induced stupor... so, if that's even possible, if i sound like an ass... i'm probably strangling in my laptop cord... or blogging under the "residual" influence ... so don't pay any attention to that.

well i guess that's about all i have time for right now. i still need to go shave my ape-like legs , and brush my cotton-mouth before the doctor has to experience any of it. ugh. this is really not one of my favorite things. i am just hoping that THIS is where the problem is and they fix it, and i can get better. no more tests, no more feelin all crappy. just get it all over and done.

i shall talk to you peeps lataer..hope you all have good days.

too tired for a title

well well well. i have exactly ten minutes to eat or drink to my hearts content... but i don't want to do either. i did just finish a good sized cuppa coffee tho. i thought it would help my headache go away... but it did not. it tasted good though, and hopefully will prevent a headache in the morning, from caffeine deprivation. i am not allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight. it's 11:52. times a wastin. but anyhow. ya. i am not looking forward to the scope tomorrow. in fact i think i am a little more anxious about it than i had realized. because this passed couple days i just i don't know. i flat feel like shit. but more than the symptoms i've been having. i mean i can't sleep, i'm depressed. it doesn't matter how freakin exhausted i am during the day... my eyes will be on fire from being sooo damn tired, and i'll just lay in bed, and it's just impossible to even take a nap.

i went to run errands and pay bills etc today... OMG. i was so friggin ill i couldn't stand myself. i was at the bank, trying to take care of an error i had made, which was costing me fees... luckily they fixed it for me, because i brought my recent medical records with me... and they gave me a break because i have been sick etc. but while there... maybe thirty minutes or so... i literally could not sit upright in the chair. i laid my head on the desk, while the lady talked to someone on the phone for me! it was so embarrassing. but she was very understanding. and like i said..got everything fixed, and fees reversed for me.

then... i went to pay my cell phone bill. i had to do that in person too...because if i were to mail it, it would have been too late. and possibly shut off. and we can't have that, can we? no. so i go there. and oh Lord. what a mess. they have a new machine there, where you can pay with your credit or debit card... how cool right? no line, no waiting..instant pay. woo hoo. but... i am ME. remember? (oh crap, it's midnight...one quick swig of water!) ahhhhhh.
ok... anyways. the damn machine wouldn't accept my payment! because i am me. i tried it twice... just got paid friday... the money is in the bank... BUT ya. me. sooo.... i had to go stand in line. well... me and standing, just do not get along lately. i lasted maybe ten minutes. maybe. i was ready to pass out. i left the line.. told the guy, hey... i'm next, but i HAVE to sit down. there was a chair about ten or fifteen feet from where i shoulda been waiting. so anyhow... i know i looked bad. i was all leaned up against the wall, sittin in this chair...trying not to puke. or pass out. then this lady with two little kids...like under four... she asked if i was ok... i'm like ya, sure. i think it's lunch time. i didn't wanna go into my long ole story of med issues with a stranger. so a few minutes later.... she offered me raisins! how sweet is that? i never saw this woman before in my life. i did not accept her offer. but there just arent a lot of people like that anymore.
but anyhow... i ended up being there for what seemed an eternity. finally i get my turn in line..no ididnt lose my place, they obviously new i did not feel good. they apologized for the wait, took my money, and i got the hell out of there. i had one more bill i had to pay... next on my list was wally hell..... but next on my mind... was HELL NO! i paid the bill..it went quickly and smoothly...and i came home. i had to lay down. i struggled for three or four hours to get a nap...it didn't happen. BUT hubby and daughter went grocery shopping for me! how sa-weet is that?

i did get up and help put it away when they got back. but i did not feel like cooking...so i didn't. but around 7 or so..me and hubby...hubby and i.. went fishing. can you beleive that? feel like shit all day...then go out on the damn boat. oh well...i'm addicted, what can i say. we went for about 3 hours maybe. but i didn't fish but maybe an hour or hour and a half of it...i did for the first time ever beat hubby though. i got one..and lost one..he was half way out of the water and fell off .. ugh. so.. i "kinda" got two.. and hubby didn't get any. i do wish he would have.. but i have to admit... it was finally my turn. :))

so anyhow.. shit... i just went brain dead. can't remember what i said or what i was gonna say next. that's kinda bad. tired i guess.


anyways... i guess, i will just shut up. how's that?
i do want to say one more thing... ok two more things... rather than put it in the comment sections....

1.... THANKS to ALL of you for your thoughts and prayers, and words and support and all that. 2.... I passed the word to hubby that y'all requested an update tomorrow, if i was unable to get one out, for whatever reason. he shall take care of that...IF i can't. so do check in.

blue mornin blue day

"Out in the street its 6 am, another sleepless night
Three cups of coffee, but I cant clear my head from what went down last night
No we wont have our own little ways, but somehow we keep it together
You hear me talk, but you dont hear what I say, I guess it dont even matter"

(sung by Foreigner)

there ya go peeps... that would be the song of the day...perfect for a monday wouldn't ya say?

so anyhow... i don't have much to say right now. surprised? me neither.
it seems that blog land went to hell in a hand bag yesterday. for whatever reason. looks like monday came a day early for many of us. i hope that means we will ALL have better days today.

i'll be around later... i have lots to do to prepare to be laid up tomorrow. (upper GI test...and lotsa drugs. surely lotsa sleep to follow)

laterz

I'm Blogging And I can't Get Up!

ola my peeps...happy sunday to you....
i hope no one is suffering any huge hangovers, or other saturday night repercussions???
luckily i am not. i'm just sittin here cruisin the blog world. seein who's up, and who's up to what. not a lot goin on this morning. yesterday morning was quite the opposite. hopefully the chatter will pick up later on.

so anyhow.... i guess i shall post a little about my day yesterday. and maybe some plans i have for today. i didn't write much "real" stuff on here yesterday, because everyone seemed pretty up, and i didn't want to bring any negativity into that. i quite enjoyed seeing so many having good days for a change.

NOT that i had a particularly bad day... just a little off. for a while.

i woke up... well, that's a given right...and a blessing too, if ya wanna look at it that way :)
then i did my blog rounds, and chatting back and forth with people in the blog world.
after that... even though i had my ... i need to do this , this , and this, list .... i decided to go fish the creek. it has been quite a while since i have fished over there, and i wanted to see how things were going...and looking there. well, hubby woke up, and he was tired from the day before...he worked all day, then immediately from work headed off to fish a tournament...got home after 11 p.m - midnight. so he was pretty whooped, and didn;t want to go. but i went anyways.

well... i got there... i was "feeling" ok. not ill or hurting or anything. but i'll tell ya... i didn't fish for more than half an hour before i felt like total shit. but... being the fishing addict that i am.. and the creek really looked the best it has since the first flood weeks ago... i pushed myself to keep trying. i just kept feeling sicker, and weaker. but.. i decided... ok, i'll just sit down, and "drop shot" for a while. so i did. rarely when i fish from the bank...actually... i never sit down, bass fishing from the bank. i never have. ti'l yesterday. i sat for maybe another half hour or so, drop shotting...didn't catch anything that way...so i had to switch baits...which meant standing...again. well, i switched to a spinnerbait... i actually got a couple hits..then i got a fish on...but he fell off before i got him out. he was small so it didn't bother me. but even after knowing that the fish were still there, and starting to bite... i couldn't take it anymore. i wasn't even sure i would make it home. i really felt like i was going to faint. or puke. or both. so i gathered my stuff and came home. as soon as i walked in the door, hubby noticed i looked like hell. he thought i was hot. well i was hot..but it wasn't the heat that was bothering me, it wasn't all that hot out yet at that time. i just was SICK. he offered me a cold drink and some food...but i still had some iced tea , and i went straight to the tub. after a long cool bath, i felt somewhat better, but still just flat out EXHAUSTED. but not i need sleep exhausted ... it was just ill. so i laid in bed for HOURS. like from noon til 5. then of course i HAD to get up and feed the clan.
which by the way my daughter came up with a delicious recipe that we just had to try. yep... she has inherited the chef gene. but she can't cook yet. that's my fault tho. i think i mentioned on here....or somewhere once...that when i was nine and home alone i caught my robe sleeve on fire while cooking...so i have not yet taught her how to cook on the stove yet. she does make a mean pizza in the oven though...her own design .
so anyhow... ya... her recipe... was honey, lemon, basil, chicken.... even though she came up with the idea...and at first, offered to help me cook it...she backed out at the last minute, and i prepared it on my own. and damn if it didn't turn out delicious.
ok... then after dinner... ummm... i think i lasted only a short while in the living room with hubby before i was tired again...or still... and ended up back in my room. until... we got a wild hair to go to the movies. at like 9 o'clock. soooo unlike me. it was actually about 8 when we started talking about "doing something"... then the movies came up...the dollar theater of course. the earliest next movie was at 930. OMG. just the thought of a movie that late...yes i'm old i know... made me tired. but i drank a couple cups of coffee while daughter primped..and we went and saw "blades of glory".... if you haven't seen it...you should. i know it looks like the dumbest shit ever put on film...but it was funny. laugh out loud funny. we all three liked it a lot.
after that we came home...like where else would we go, right? and, yep, you guessed it...i went to bed...but i took my meds and got online for my last blog rounds of the day. OMG. i hope it wasn't a mistake... but so far, no blogs i've checked have made me look like a drunk ass...yet.
then...the next thing i remember, hubby was once again rescuing me from my laptop! i had fallen asleep while filling out a form that i know nothing about this morning. i hope i didn't buy anything!!!! LOL
Good Lord what a day.
i guess if i get anything in the mail... i'll let ya know. maybe i ordered a FAIRY!! :))

ok...that's my story and i'm stickin to it.
more later..

a poem... by moi ..

ok...it seems lately a lot of people have been posting their poetry on their blogs. although i have been inspired to write something new....i haven't ... yet. but, as i read my friends blogs, and see that almost every one is going through some sort of struggles lately... i was inspired to post this piece, that i wrote many years ago. i wrote it in dedication to a very good friend of mine who literally saved me from myself. in many ways. although i have lost touch with her... i still think of her often, and sometimes wonder... what if our paths didn't cross when they did. and that makes me think of something Josie said.. not verbatum...cuz i can't remember much.... but it was a post about people who stay for a season, or a lifetime, etc... you'll have to go find it to see it...it's really a good post...put up within the last few days i think.

but anyhow.....

i chose this particular poem...written in early 1991 ... because, my friends who come to my blog and say such wonderful things, have literally changed my life these passed few months. i was on the way down real fast. y'all pulled me out of the storm... and i thank all of you. i hope i make y'all smile as much as you do me.

so anyhow... without further ado ... (i have never said that! how funny).. here ya go..

(to my friends that live in the computer!)

Raging Seas

We once were total strangers,
Neither of us cared.
But then we gave some effort,
We talked, we helped, we shared.

I was so weak, alone, afraid,
You were so strong and brave.
you picked me up, and set me straight,
this, in my heart I’ll save.

I learned from you to carry on,
And take life as it comes.
Not to forget, but put away
The pain of what’s been done.

Today, I’m not afraid or weak,
And this, I owe to you.
Your friendly smiles and late night talks,
Have really helped me through.

Against the rocks, on stormy seas,
I constantly was tossed.
But through you I found inside myself,
A strength I’d thought was lost.

So now, this sea of life I sail.
Moves swift and with a peace.
Because you gave so freely,
My raging storm has ceased.

i'm STILL up but technically it's thursday. *SIGH*

close your eyes, and shut out all the noise that you can hear. ok, are you relaxed? now... think of every cuss word you know and shout them as loud and as fast in succession as you possibly can. there. feel better? neither do i. but that is what i feel like doing at the moment, but since hubby is asleep...i can't do that. so, i am blogging. sorta. if ya want to call it that. i'm really just tryig to bore myself to sleep. but, i am in fact, most likely boring YOU to sleep. sorry.
so, anyhow... i found this little thing in yankees page, thought i'd give it a shot and hijack it. i do think it's a little low... but it didn't offer any middle ground answers , like sometimes, or once in a while, etc. so i think that made a difference.....anyhow...here ya go.... this is why i will have a head ache tomorrow... booo hooo.

I am 75% Addicted to Coffee

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

Humpday part Five

Blog much? ummm, sometimes.

ok. well, here i am. again. the plan was to put up some photos of diego garcia after i ate dinner. well, that just aint gonna happen tonight. i am too tired to dig out the pics, scan them, upload them, post them, explain them etc etc etc. it exhausts me to even think about it right now.

i will try to get to it tomorrow, just not sure when it will be. because... i have to have an abdominal ultrasound done in the morning. i might have time to do it before i go though, but i'm not sure.

anyhow, that is part one of the doctor update... i have an abdominal ultrasound tomorrow.
then next tuesday i have the upper GI.. the scope in the belly thing.

ya know... i thank God that we have insurance... i really do. but i just can't help but to bitch right now about all the money this shit still ends up costing us. hell, y'all know me..or most of you do... i feel guilty enough to go get a twenty dollar haircut. so what do i do? i wait until i go mental before i spend the money on a haircut. this medical stuff is gonna kill me before it heals me. just in the last three days... on me alone... i have shelled out over 250.00 to doctors and meds. 162.00 of that was TODAY alone. not counting the rx he gave me that i haven't dropped off yet. and tuesday... i have to give the hospital an unknown amount of money. how crazy is that? i agreed to this, and they didn't even know how much i would have to pay! but they got their share. shit. shit shit shit shit shit! BUT... i have to have it done. this could be serious. most people wait two or three months between a consult and the actual scope...and i'm getting in there in five days. and the ultrasound in ONE day?? i've never seen a doctor move so fast. and i have seen MANY doctors. but..... what am i worrying about... oh crap...i have a bleed...they're rushing me into all these tests...oh crap. NOooooo.... i'm worrying about and pissed off about money.
are my priorities screwed up? am i screwed up? am i just overtired? am i just a bitch?
i don't know what to do. i do know that i can't have my coffee in the morning... nothing to eat or drink after midnight. the appt is at 9. i know i will get an awful headache. i never eat in the morning anyhow, but it kills me to not have coffee. and the same goes for tuesday...that appt is at 9 too. UGH> PLUS... i am not supposed to take ANY asperin etc between now and Tuesday! i will be crippled by tuesday without something for pain! WTF!

so anyhow...
i'm just a bit pissed off at the moment...and very tired...and i started a lot but finished little today...so i am in bed..yes i do know how early it is, but i slept like hell last night, and am hoping to make up for it tonight...
so...i shall cruise some blogs...and then i shall ... hopefully sleep.

well, i've made my rounds and it looks like everyone is done for now

SO.... i reckon i shall get a move on myself.
and what exactly is on my agenda for the day?
hmmm... lots actually.... i need to finish my kitchen. i cleaned it yesterday, but didn't wash the big stuff..pans etc. whatever didn't fit in the dishwasher still awaits me..plus dinner dishes. yippee. my most favorite thing. NOT
also..laundry. and lots of it. another of my favorites. suuure.
then, my bedroom. i bought a new comforter set for my bed..but my room looks like hell, and i need to change the sheets etc...before i can put my new bed set on it. so i gotta do all that. hmmm... i have a gastro appointment at 230. i need to go to my PO box..haven't been there in way too long it seems. i probably have late bills sittin in there.
ummmm.... we get paid..well..hubby gets paid..friday...so i need to work on my budget, and see if we will have any money left over. i'm hoping for a hair cut, and we want to go see harry potter.... plus, i have all these damn dr bills to pay.. i post dated the check for the last one, and i'm hoping to do the same for todays appt. HOW do i get into these messes? well...perhaps giving my kid 80 bucks the other day had something to do with it this time. grr. i'm too kind. (all mothers to the back of the line).
ok what else do i have to do today...oh... i have to go to auto zone to have my codes read out... my check engine light came on yesterday. and of course i am fearing the worst...due to it getting wet in the flood last week. UGH. i'm just hoping it's an 02 sensor. hubby can change that himself. if my engine is damaged from the water...i'm screwed.
ok...anything else? i'm sure there is, but just thinking of it is making me tired.
guess i'll go start with my laundry and my bedroom. then the wonderful dishes. gag me. then i'll go from there. i reckon.

have good days
i shall return.

another insomnia attacK!!!!!!!!!!

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

photo post

and don't dog out my teeth...they cost a lot of money! LOL

By George I think I've Got IT!!!

ok y'all... i am sorry to make everyone suffer just because of two of ya trying to be funny and tease me. but i told them i would get them back...with a vengeance. and ... here it is:

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!

Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!

When I'm stuck a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love ya Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!

ok my blogger friends.. i have been cold busted!

you are probably wondering what in the world did such an innocent gal such as myself do, that would get me into trouble... right? well.... surely , y'all couldn't have missed the "rain fairy" that i hijacked from JLEE. right? OR, the "cleaning fairies". How could you? You would surely be BLIND , or just not come around very often, or at all if you missed these photos. EVEN my HUSBAND happened upon them!!!! yep. THAT is the "cold busted " part that i speak of. LOL

hubby is actually a pretty cool guy. he knows i'm just havin fun. BUT i am noticing a little jealous streak appearing. like the other day, when i posted ALL FIVE cleaning fairies on ONE post. he became awful quiet that day. and today.... well... :)... i just got home a while ago from errands, and a dr appointment... and while reading my comment section... below the rain fairy post... i notice that my dear dear husband happened to leave a comment of his own. LOL. it would be the one that states he will be seeking his angel collection...or something like that. (by the way ... 143 ... stands for "i love you") PHEW.. at least he still loves me huh.

so... first i will begin with the meaning of "his angel collection...

once upon a time... many years ago... he began an angel collection for me. it started with a single "roman seraphim angel" sort of ceramic or resin or whatever. that same year, we bought one for my sis, and one for my mom in law. since then i have received several over the years on special occasions. usually a birthday or christmas etc. mom in law continued collecting as well, but sis did not.

well anyhow.... about three years into this "tradition"... Victorias Secret.. you know.. the underwear (i only used that word cuz i can't spell the proper sexy "L" word for it) ..... well they came out with a line of bras, and panties that they called the "Angel Collection"... or Angel Line"... well, there we were... at his mothers' house no less... in front of his mom and dad, me and one of his brothers and our daughter who was like four...and this commercial comes on TV. of course it shows all these half naked very pretty ..of course... "L" word models in their new Victorias secret Angel line of "L"... and hubby just blurts out...

"There's MY Angel Collection" !!!!

it was just too funny to be mad. everybody laughed. cuz everyone knew of mom in law and my angel collections. it was just funny. and it still comes up on occasion. haha.. the angel collection! geesh people! LOL
so anyhow... to be fair to my wonderful husband... and to any of my male readers

I Bring You.... Hubbys Angel Collection:

i just couldn't resist any longer... i hijacked this from JLEE

at least someone can enjoy the rain!

well alrighttee then:

Morning folks.

I got a request from josie recently..well, very recently…like yesterday. To write a blog post about the friends and/or connections that we make online with our blog pals. At first , I thought, ya, ok, sure. I could copy and paste it and be done with it. Then I realized…there is a lot more to it than that.

I obviously didn’t get around to posting it yesterday… I was busy, and tired, and ehem…fishing. But, I was also … thinking. Yes, I know. That is a dangerous place for me, but sometimes, it’s just necessary. Unfortunately. I began to wonder… am I really ready to make myself THAT vulnerable on here? I mean, when I wrote my comment on jamies’ post… it was one of those, free mind moments… what I wrote just came out…and once it was out… I let it stay there. It was in a comment section…where few people actually dare to go on many blogs…unless they actually have something to say…or perhaps, if they are blog stalking…and even then…do they really read ALL the comments? I’m guessing not. So I did what some call “freewriting”…and just wrote what flowed from brain to fingertips. It’s all true, and took little thought…although I was careful as to how I worded it. I didn’t want to make myself TOO vulnerable…open for hurt or rejection…but I wrote was I was feeling.

And that was the fact that I have met, many..well..all actually…except oldy, cuz she is my sis…I’ve met these people on accident. Just blog surfing…liking something someone says..going back for more…then leaving comments, that have led them to my page…ultimately… many have turned into what I believe to be genuine friendships.

Before I started this blog thing… I was a strict recluse. My own daughter called me a hermit! My isolation from the world, actually affected my whole family. Aside from that… I had so little outside the family communication…my brain, heart, and self esteem…became stagnant over the years. My family members , and a mother of my daughters long time friend became the only outside stimuli… other than tv…. That I had in my life….for over ten years! I had zero trust for people outside the family…and honestly…not a whole lot for them either. My expectations of the world was heartbreak. If I let them in, they would hurt me. So, I didn’t let anyone in…and those who were in… I pushed outside the box… letting them in when I needed to…pushing them out when I needed to. I must say… it’s been a rough eleven years.

So anyways… for josie… here I am opening myself up…and putting my feelings here, for all to see.

I just hope all of you who have been so good to me these passed several months…some even less… realize that you have really made me a better person. A happier person. A more positive person. And I gotta say…. That means the world to me.

You all have helped me heal the mange that has rotted my soul for so many lonely years. And I want to thank you for letting me feel comfortable in calling you all “friends”.

When I started this blog…. The end of January… it was a lonely negative place to store my negative thoughts and feelings… maybe so they would find another place to corrode, other than my soul. A place to feed my alter ego “soulmange”. And her i am… six months later… thanks to EE for the name…. but she found it in these pages as she watched me change because of y’all. And HER of course! But here I am… soul survivor.

Like they say… “no “man” is an island”. So true. No one can get through this life on their own. No matter how hard they try. Oh, they CAN… but they will not be happy, or fulfilled in any way, living on that island of self absorption alone. No matter what or how much they do for others. If the “others” are family… it only opens the door to resentment.

Thanks my friends…for sending me the rescue boat when I needed it , to get off the island of self destruction!

OKAY… now you can read my motivation for this post… aside from the obvious nudge from josie!

Below, is an excerpt from Jamies post, on “everyone thinks I can fix it…”

(Friday July 6-07)

It's funny what this blog has done for me---I feel like I have gotten to know so many people that I would never have had the opportunity to meet, if it weren't for this. Those that I actually know in real life rarely, if ever, bother to read what i have to say, and so many of you come by here to see how I am, it is truly surprising. It is also surprising that what I do have to say is anything but truly boring, mundane, normal life crap. And yet, I follow so many others, that have the same mundane, day to day things. Maybe we are all looking to see if our own lives are like everyone else's? Maybe we are looking to see that they aren't? I really don't know. But I find myself wondering how my blogging friends days are going, and if something is going on in their lives, I wonder how that is turning out....it's just funny. I am NOT a social person in my real life. I have told all of you that I have little time or use for most people, and that comes from so many turning out NOT to be what I thought they were. What I am trying to say is thank you. You each give me a new perspective on everything, something to think about, and always, always a smile or laugh. And that is wonderful. :)

(BELOW are excerpts from the comment section of this post)

SOUL: said...

it's funny you would mention the blogger pals we find out there in cyber space... vs the real world "people". i feel so much the same way. in fact, i think on page one of my blog i in fact stated... walk with me, or away from me, i don't care.
trust issues much? hell yes! i haven't had a real life friend... in the true sense of the word... in years. like you said... they just don't turn out like you think they will. perhaps that is why we aren't supposed to place expectations on people...we are all only human of course. but i will admit, my expectations are LOW.
i expect... loyalty... time, understanding... just that type of stuff. i don't want much from people. honesty. of course. and shit... if ya don't know what to say... just tell me that... don;t ignore me in a time of crises... don't make me feel I"VE done or said something out of line...when it's YOU who are in a situation you can't handle. (not yOU) you know what i mean.
but really. the times that have ran me into my mole hole, and away from people and the desire to befriend them... were times of terrible heartbreak, and emotional need. all i needed was a friend to just be their, and be willing. but when my babies died.. eight years apart... several different sets of friends and circumstances... they ALL scattered like roaches. friendships that i thought would last forever ended when i needed my friends the most. when i lost my second son in 1996... that was it... my wall, had never been taller, or stronger. i never let anyone else all the way in. walk with me or walk away.
online friends are safer. i will admit... i am growing pretty close to a few of you, and i think you know who you are. and it scares the crap out of me. i may never even meet y'all in real life.. but it's scary to care about people again. and to see that they (y'all) actually do seem to care what happens to me every day when i see that you've come to or commented on my blog.
but always... it makes me smile, and it it gives me reason to smile, and to think, and to care about others.
before the blog thing.. for years... my entire world was my family and my animals... and the fear of "God what if something happens to "someone else". very depressing. very depressed, and very resentful.
thanks Jamie for reminding me... that i can still be a friend...and have friends... and care about people. and share my life and theirs...and i don't have to live in my shell of hell.
it means a lot to me to see that you come see me when you're barely awake each morning...and you always have something nice, understanding, or funny to say. and more so, that i care what you go through each day... your laughter, your pain, your struggles, and fears, etc.
that goes for all my blog pals.
i have a genuine concern about them, their families, lives, everything. and it really gets me out of myself.
and just look what it's done for me.. soulmange to soul survivor... just by getting involved in other peoples lives. it's very difficult to spend ten or eleven years in your own mind and unhealthy body...afraid of new people, or sharing your experiences with them.
so i'm with ya here.... thanks to those out there... who are honest enough to put their lives on these pages... and communicate with the rest of us, who put ours out there too.
did that crap make a bit of sense? i hope so cuz i don't have the patience to read it again.
maybe i shoulda just said ditto to yankee?
sometimes i just can't SHUT UP!
do they have a name for that?

have a great/ feel good day jamie

7:10 AM

simonsays said...

Soul, you are such a sweetheart, and a truly good friend to me, I know EXACTLY what you are saying---and I love you for it. Have a wonderful day!

jyankee-you are so right, and you always bring a new perspective to me, too!

8:17 AM

soooooooooooooo...there ya have it. jamie has a lot more in that comment section from others, and how online friendships have changed their lonely isolated lives into a whole lot more...go have a look.

it's 130 in the damn morning

i should be asleep, but am i? obviously NOT.
we got the pay per view UFC fight earlier... it was like 9 or 10 pm...and i was falling asleep in the first fight. so, what do i do? well, i don't wanna be a "party pooper"...so i get up and have coffee...three cups to be exact. well, it got me through the fight, that's for sure... now, hubby is sound asleep...even all four animals are sleeping. me? even after my meds... wide awake. and to make it worse... i'm almost out of cigs. what a bunch a crap.
i can already tell you how this will play out. wanna hear? ok. well.. my best prediction is:
i am gonna sit her and read and write crap, for maybe an hour or so. i'll smoke all except one or to cigarettes...just so i won't wake up and not have a couple to have with my coffee before i am forced to go get some more.....at, oh, say 6 a.m ! then i'll get back with my cigs, and continue to smoke, coffee and blog...then i'll go over my banks etc...to see if the money fairy deposited anything i wasn't expecting :)) then i will perhaps do some chores. i assume i will either a) talk hubby into helping me get started on converting our junk room into the guest room...or b)go fishing....until it's time to pick up the kid. OR if we do work on the room and not fish...i may go get some much needed groceries, and come back and nap until it's time to go get the child.
i sure bet you all wish you were me, don't you? i mean, i have such an exciting life, do i not?


OH CRAP... guess what i forgot to tell y'all. it aint good. remember the flood we got trapped in the other day...the 4th? when the car got stalled out in the water? well....the following day i had to wait for the laptop guy to come fix my computer, and ended up not going anywhere in my car. then the next day...yesterday.....me and hubby went and ran some errands...oh one of them included getting a refund on the RAM i thought i wouldn't be able to return, so that was good...but...the bad part//// i realized as we were getting in the car...it DID get wet INSIDE!!! ACK! and black mold had already begun to grow on one of the lower door panels! the entire car smelled horrible! we took it to a car wash and vacuumed as much water out of the floor as we could, but it was still wet and stinky. as for today... again, i haven't been in it, so i'm not sure how bad or good it is. i may end up having to replace my entire carpet in there! can you say "can't have nuthin"?
*note to self...check car tomorrow!

oh, Lord...hubby is snoring in my ear! why does he feel the need to face me when he sleeps? i think i need to get a more comfortable couch. i already can't sleep...now, i'll never get to sleep. ahhh...perhaps i shall go sleep in my daughters room. nah. anyone have a cotton ball or two?

ok. i've obviously run out of stuff to say. so i guess i'll find a boring info-mercial, or maybe church? on tv. anything to help me get sleepy. whatever happened to dragnet? i used to always be able to go to sleep with that on.

anyhow... g'nite

catch o' the day

ok...hubby got a couple bigger ones... and so what if he got more than me???


go ahead an tell me....
that this isn't the cutest little bass of all! and isn't it the guys who say... "size don't matter'?
SO THERE ! HA!

:)) i'm just playin. i did get one or two more but they were small too, just not as small. and hubby got a few more, not as small, but no bigger than the one he's holding up there either. but we had fun. til about the last hour or so. it got dammn hot today! we fished from maybe 530 or 6 to maybe noonish sorta kinda.

all i know, i am half asleep right now. man i'm tired. gonna attempt to make my rounds, but i don't know if i'll get very far this time. i need to go to sleep. i am expecting the kid to call any second for us ..more likely, ME, to go pick her up from her friends' house. oh man, i don't want to move!

ok..c ya

i wish i could hear one of his dumb jokes today

well, i think i figured out why i'm so friggin lazy today. my brother has been on my mind a lot all day today. more so than other years. or so it seems. not sure why, it's just been that way. i even talked a bit to hubby about him, even cracked a few jokes. you see, today is my brothers birthday. but he isn't here to celebrate it. he died in '95. he would be 47 years old today. i bet he would be celebrating his birthday in arkansas with my sister and her boys , and other friends and family this year.
my sisters boys birthdays are all three in june and july, and this year they are all having one big party out there. i bet our brother michael would be included, and he would love every minute of it.
weird how stuff like this sneaks up on me sometimes. some years i won't even think of someone who has died, a family member or a friend...then another year, they may be on my mind for a week. this time, i have had my brother on my mind off and on all day. but not really in a sad way, at all. just some of the wild thing he would do. some of the actual stupid things he would do. some of his "wonderful" girlfriends. :))... that i would have to run off... for his, and our safety. ya that was always fun. :))
he taught me how to play chess.... he also taught me how to rescue someone in convulsions... on the fly. yes including him.

in fact, one time, i was in a chinese restaurant with a friend.. years before my brother died... but i just heard "that noise" ya know? then i hear dishes fall. i hesitated, then looked across the room...sure enough, there's this guy, maybe in his mid twenties, going into convulsions in his booth, his girlfriend there looking helpless... the waiter/owner, a asian man... running back and forth frantically... "oh! he chokee! he chokee!" waving a white rag around. finally, i couldn't take it anymore. i was hoping someone else would help the guy, but obviously noone else knew what was happening...they thought the guy was choking! sooo... i got up, and went over, and got the guy out of his booth and onto the floor and laid him on his side, checked his mouth/airway...and just let him ride it out. all the while.. the chinese guy is running around..oh! He Chokee, He Chokee! man, it was funny. of course not the seizure...but the chinese guy. the guy was fine after a few minutes. he was a little dazed when he woke up, his girlfriend was a little scared, but they were both fine. the restaurant called a ambulance...which really wasn't needed but they took him off anyhow. but i think the owner was more scared than anyone there that day.
so anyhow.. ya. i still can't hear anyone .. seizure , yawn, stretch...whatever...any kind of weird noise like that, "pre-convulsion" sound.. it's kinda like PTSD. it always makes me look for my brother..or someone going into convulsions. it's heart stopping. that's how my brother died. but he was asleep. i'm sure he didn't suffer at all. and he was alone, so no one really had to actually see it happpen. i was in a different state. he was living with my mom, his daughter who was 9, and our grown male cousin...who found him that morning.
i think all his life we all expected that that would be the way that he would die. it really wasn't even a shock even though it was sudden and unexpected. he was having so many seizures by that time.

but anyways. ya. happy birthday to my brother. he always found a reason to smile... and a way to make others smile. here is my brother...

I bring you the "Cleaning Fairies" ....

okaaayyy, so we didn't make it to the movies...

could i have cursed myself with my tuesday torment title?
y'all would not believe what we just went through. well, as i said, we were on our way to the movies... hmmm... a funny thing happened on the way to the dollar theater. we got caught in TORRENTIAL rain AND flooding. by the time we decided to turn around and come home... it was too late.... flooding, traffic closed roads, and.. my daughter had never been in a flood like this before, so she was all terrified , ... we tried to calm her...because, we knew even through detours etc, that we would be ok. but she wanted no part of our consolation. she was really scared.
ESPECIALLY... when we went through some too deep water... and the car stalled ! luckily some guys were standing on the street... watching giant trash cans float by etc...well, they pushed us out.. but my stupid car took about 20 minutes to start up again., another car... STUPID people amaze me... even with us, sitting there "dead in the water"... tried to go through the same water...and stalled. the same guys pushed them out too...but their car..started in like three minutes and they were gone.... that's about when my girl started crying. not fun. she's fine now though, and we're home. but it was quite the little adventure.
so anyhow.. ya ...if i woulda known the entire town would flood in ten minutes, we would have stayed home and not tried to go to the movies. it's been raining for a friggen month... . i'm sick of it already.
first it ruins the fishing, and now we can't even go to the damn movie. erg.
ok... now, i have to go and cook dinner. no tellin when i'll get another turn online to "talk" to people.
anyhow... i shall return.. sometime between ummm.... i have no idea...it may be 5 or 6 in the morning. earlier if i demand some real time on here....i'm tired of posting and commenting without even a chance to proofread or anything., erg. i gotta go.

Tuesday Torment !

not such a bad day really, just sounded like a catchy title.
hello to my new visitors !

sorry i haven't been online much, but y'all know about the laptop torture, and with three computer junkies, now sharing ONE computer... well... as my sis said once
ALL MOTHERS GO TO THE BACK OF THE LINE ! i rarely get my time on here...unless it's like 5 a.m. and the rest of them are still sleeping.

so anyhow. this rain is gonna wash us away if it doesn't stop! it just showed the map thing on the news... there is rain EVERYWHERE! ERG!

but./.. we did manage to get in some fishing time earlier today. we left about 630 or 7 , and fished til it began to look like rain...and we could feel the mist in the air, and could actually see it pouring down off in the distance. so we decided to get off the lake before it got to us.; (the storm). we got caught in a really bad on in kansas on the lake once...it came in hard and fast, and it was bad. so now, we try to get off the water as soon as we can if the weather looks bad.

so, right after we got the boat loaded on the truck, the rain came. perfect timing ! but sadly, no fish. hubby got two small bass.... we weighed one of em... just to test the new scales out... he was a whopping 10 OZ. ! he was so cute though.
but ya all this rain, flooding, and heat on top of that.. the fish don't want to bite. and it makes me angry. i just can't believe all this friggin rain.

ok, so, we got home, got all the rods and tackle etc put up, and as soon as we came in i had to cook lunch. i knew if i sat down i wouldn't so i just cooked right away. i was starving...so was everyone else. i made chicken sandwiches and fries...and i tell ya , it beat the hell out of any fast food joint we woulda dropped 25 bucks at.

and after lunch i tried, very hard to take a nap...but didn't really get any sleep. my little dog attacked me, then my daughter came in and turned the tv way up... by the time i got the two of them out of my room, i just couldn't sleep. plus i got heartburn...then later, a headache. finally i gave up, and "i'm up now"

now we are about to go to the movies. we're going to the dollar theater to see Disturbia. i really want to see that, and we just found out it's over there. plus.,.. tuesdays are only 50 cents a ticket !! i only wish they had more comfortable seats there. i've been there a few times, but it's been a while... and it leaves MUCH to be desired. but .. we need to get the girl out of the house, so that's what we;re gonna do.

as for any comments i owe people... it will have to be later... cuz the movie starts at 5... it's almost 430... and rainin like a beeotch outside. for some reason, people forget how to drive in the rain here... it makes for hellish travels. luckily it's not very far from here.

ok... there.. i'm caught up....
i'm not a "posting slacker" anymore! just computer deprived. :))