i'm computerless

yep, she finally crashed.

i need a new hard drive.

do i blame facebook? and all the SPAM?

i wonder.

i get thirty unwanted emails a day ever since i signed up for that crap.

UGH.

anyhow, i think it was friday or saturday night,

i was watchin a tv show, online,

and fell asleep.

i woke up---

to a BLUE SCREEN.

everyones woerst nightmare when it comes to computers.

well, it wouldn't go away.

hubby called dell for troubleshooting, and they told him i was screwd.

just dandy.

luckily i am under warranty, and a new hard drive is on z way.

hubby can install it.

so. i should be up and runnin in a day or two.

just wanted to check in and let y'all know why ya haven't seen me much.

i'll be buggin ya again soon enough.

be happy for now-- i'll make ya miserable again prolly by wednesday!

:))

laterz

if ya wanna talk to me

you can do that here--

i'll check it when i can.

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

i thought i died, but i'm just not that lucky --

man, what a crappy day. from start to finish.. well, almost finish. it's goin on 9, and i'm about to hit the sack. at least to read for a while, til i pass out. ugh. a couple hours ago i was freezin, so i turned on the heat-- now i have my laptop on my lap-- and it's puttin out heat like you wouldn't believe-- i think i may be near well done by now. ugh. i am in my office with the back door open, and i'm still hot. but am still too lazy to go to the back of the house to shut the heat off. i guess one good thing is hubby and the hell cats just got home.. he is gonna turn on the air conditioner for a while. (the hell cats being soulkid and a couple friends who are spendin the night. oooh thrill me.) NOT.

yesterday i saw my neurologist-- he wrote me a rx for my pain meds-- so i wouldn't have to wait til monday to have the pharmacy FAX the refill to his office-- then wait one to three days for the refill-- while i was already on the verge of out. i was pretty happy about about that. i dropped it off to be filled today. and ya know-- it's cuz i'm i'm ME, but when i went to pick it up -- they told me he had failed to sign it !!! so they couldn't fill it til they talked to him..or the office. i called back like three hours later-- to see if they talked to him... ummmm, NO. by then the office was closed --- for the weekend! i'm so pissed. i know it's just a couple days-- but this shit just chaps my hide. my back is really hurtin lately , and he knows it-- how the hell could he forget to sign a friggin script?
well, at least i have muscle relaxers. better than nuthin.

we also had rain and storms off and on allll day long. that was real fun. i had stuff i had to go out and do. i had stuff to do here too. and i guess i don't have to tell ya-- not much of any of it actually got done. not chores, laundry, bills, shopping... none of it. and you already know my rx's didn't getr picked up. i had another one to be picked up at another pharmacy-- but i said screw it. now with my luck..i'll get a migraine in the middle of the night. it was imitrex-- but by then i was just ruined, so didn't go back out.

but , one thing about payday? soulkid keeps track! and i'm a sucker--- so when i picked her up after school... well, i thought i was doing hubby a favor... cuz he had promised her he would take her to the mall for a shirt tomorrow. soooo, when she asked ME to take her---- i said i would. just so he wouldn't have to on his day off. thinkin i was bein nice-- kinda to both of them. well, we get there-- we get her shirt--- ugh. kids are expensive. but it was a cute shirt. but-- she talks me into three other stores--- even after io told her i wasn't walkin all over the place. ugh. but at least i didn't buy anything else. phew-- that was a first. until--- she wanted to eat---- dum-dum-dum. damn she's good. so i did take her to eat. it wasn't to bad. a place we go sometimes. it's usually pretty good. but today---it was crap! and so was the waitress! and we only had salad and split a appetizer plate-- well half of one... we took the other half home-- cuz the waitress didn't bring the ranch dressing, or extra drinks we asked for--- our mouths were kinda pasted shut by then. i was surprised we got the to-go box! ugh. do you even have to ask if i was a hateful bitch by the time we left? i say no. cuz i was. and i was ready for a pain pill, that i couldn't have when i got to the pharmacy! but i was happy to have a few left at home.
incompetance just kills me. ya know it?

soooo--- speaking of incompetance-- i don't think i have mentioned that we may have found a house to buy!! just in time for our move out of this place. BUT -- we both have credit screw ups on our reports. most of the ones on mine are errors. more incompetance. dammit. i have like six collections on there--- and at least four of them are PAID. like three years ago. it just urks me to no end. the other prob on mine is income to debt crap. but i may be able to take care of some of that.
as for hubby-- hmmm... his needs more pay-off crap than mine... but he has less collections. his deal is when we felt rich a couple years ago and haD good credit-- he opened new cards. brilliant huh.
anyhow-- it's a cool place-- and it's runnin like 30 grand lower than it's worth. so we need to boogie and get some stuff taken care of. and see what we can do. before june 30th.
that's a lot of payin and savin and callin and signin... etc. haelp?
i don't know nuthin bout birthin no houses and credit and shit,.

anyhow-- i think that's my day. you wish you were me don't ya?\
i'm still fat and i think i willl go eat some cereal or a salad anyhow. then i'm gonna go read my book.

i shall be around tomorrow---sometime---

happy weekends peoples-

gloom, despair, and agony on me---

howdy folks---




who can i blame for this pain? i swear it's worse since the shots the other day. it was supposed to get better. it's not. especially in the mornings. ugh. it's depressing. and so is the weight gain. what IS UP with that? i haven't gained weight since summer when everyone was home all the time-- but that came back off. this passed few weeks.. i swear i gain ten pounds a day! i know-- it only feels like it-- but UGH. it's horrible. nothing fits, and i feel awful.



and did i mention my hair? it's driving me crazy. i must get it cut. back to the original too short for short cut. i tried to keep it at median length. i tried for the kinda long-- but that got outta hand. now the this is gettin bad. maybe i'm just a bitch and nothing can satisfy me??? yep. i bet that's it. i'm just a middle aged hag.

oh, and my plans for meeting the girl about the portrait fell thru for today.
it's not a big deal for me though. i don't have the money to give her anyways.
she said it has to do with her work schedule-- but i know she has a major fear of storms, and we are expecting one today. so i think that's it.
but anyhow-- i don't know.
i just kinda wanted to get it over with.
guess we'll meet up next week , cuz it's sposed to rain for a couple days.
(so much for fishin for a while.)

but-- speakin of fishin-- i did manage to catch a fish or two-- without my camera.
a perch--and a pretty decent decent bass.

so-- aside from my bitch list--- there aint much goin on around here .

hubby went back to work this morning.
which is good.
for both of us.
too much time together, just aint that great a thing.
it makes me lazy-ER actually.
him too i think.

he has lost a lot of weight btw. he needs a new belt--and prolly some new pants.
which is a really good thing.
he has needed to lose weight for a long time time. his weight had become a health issue.
he is proud of himself, and so am i.

as for my weight-- y'all know how i feel. ugh.
i went back on topamax the other day when i saw my shrink the other day.
maybe that will help me.
i have no clue what has made me gain so much weight , so fast.
but it bothers me.
i've always had that "self image problem " though
i don't think that's my fault.
y'all can blame my family and peers for that one.
weird how i'd rather look like a dead racoon than
"whatever. "
huh

welp-- i reckon i better get rockin.
gotta take the chillens to school soon.
yep-- soulkid got a break and had a schoolnight sleepover.
i thought it would be a disaster, but they got up and got ready on time.
what a surprise!

catch ya later.

i didn't spend much time online yesterday-- feelin too fat and ill.
i'll try to get around more today.

happy thursday peeps.

oh what a morning already

i guess goin fishin yesterday wasn't the brightest of ideas. i thought it would help stretch out my back-- and make me feel better. ugh , boy was i wrong!


i feel like i have been stampeded by a herd of longhorn cattle. seriously. i am a little more limber now-- but the bURN is still there. i reckon the shots the other day have not worked. i wonder if they will? the botox didn't several months ago when i tried that. guess i'm just doomed to this crap. but this morning was pretty bad. i could hardly move -- until the meds kicked in. damn shots made me double up -- now i'll be out way too soon. dammit. how they expect thirty pills--- prescribed at on ever 8 hours-- is sposed to last 30 days-- is just beyond me. i'm not good at math-- but i know that is off. ugh.

so anyhow-- thanks everybody for your suggestions on yesterdays post-- i will be meeting up with her tomorrow afternoon to discuss the portrait. and i spose give her some money. i think if i just pay her the fifty-- and not take the frame-- she oughtta be ok. insulted a bit-- but ok. she really is a much better artist than what she has shown us here. i saw her sketch almost daily for weeks. and loved it all--- i think the problem is-- faces. why she accepted this project--if she can't draw faces- is beyond me. but oh well.
just as long as i get my photo back i will be happy.

what else?
oh! we are gonna finally take our "vacation".. we are supposed to go every year for one week--- we have owned this timeshare for like 6 years i think-- and stayed a full week...maybe-- once. we decided it was just time to get the hell outta doge for a while. so we are. hubby had some vacation.. so he took this week off-- in case i would be in too much pain to drive -- the kid to school, and to appointments-- but i have seemed to do ok as far as that goes. but he had more-- it's kinda use it or lose it-- so he is taking that week off too... the last week of the month. i'm ready. i really like it out there. it's near tyler--and also close enough to lake fork to have a day or so out there of some real texas fishin. weather permitting, that is. my ten pounder is waiting for me there-- you know that right...

as for the kid and the seperate weekend trips with each of us-- that is still in the works.
i have no idea what to do in austin-- i'm hoping i can talk her into going somewhere else. just not sure where. somewhere not too far away-- or too expensive.

i still think that she and her dad need to go to NM to see her gramma. (his mom). she hasn't been doing too great lately-- so they need to go. i love her too-- i just will not go to NM. not now-- maybe not ever. ugh.;

i think that's about it for now-- again -- thank you ALL for your input on the portrait-- i was afraid it was just my image in my mind vs her image of what she could see. ya know?
anyhow-- i'll get that worked out tomorrow--and let y'all know how it goes.

happy humpday


i have a full work around the house day today-- what are YOU doin?

hmmm... i been thinkin it was monday all morning---it's not

no tellin how i get so mixed up. i'm always confused about somethin. i spose i could let myself slide this time though-- seein as yesterday began with a load of versed-- and i slept it off-- a lot.

i slept like crap last night-- awake every hour-- even with my horse pill sleepin pills. which just don't work as well as i thought they would. i was up every hour all night long-- and in pain. even in the bed. ugh. i'd just smoke a cig and read a little til i got tired again. which lasted til about 4 a.m. then i just gave up. it hurt too bad to stay there one more minute--and i knew at that point-- sleep time was over.
so i got up, and took some meds-- they seem to have helped a bit. i think i could drive the child to school and let hubby sleep in. he was up late last night--and is off for the week, so he would probably like that. besides--- maybe if i do that--- he will wash the dishes --- bwa hahahahahaha

ya know how i been bitchin about gettin fat lately? i may have found the problem. well, aside from eating way too much sugar... a med reaction. and not the one i thought it was. i refused to continue on abilify with my shrink-- cuz it was new when i started gaining weight...and craving sugar. but this last couple days i have been researching coumadin/warfarin...the blood thinner. seems LOTS of folks have weight gain, bloating, and other gastro probs on that med... and it takes a few months before it hits. sooooo--- now i'm wonderin if it's not the coumadin that is doin it. i'm almost due to come off of it anyhow. it was sposed to be for 6 months--after the lung clot.-- that was october 20th.
so i'm gettin really close to the six months. and my "numbers" haven't been consistant since they started me on it anyhow. plus i was on prozac when i started--- and there is a reaction between those two--- now i'm on effexor--and it says not to take those two together either. so i think i figured out both the probs-- the weight gain, and never getting a steady reading. by that-- i could never be on a regular dose-- it would range from 3 mg one week then have to go up to 7 or ten the next. all these stupid blood tests only freak me out anyhow. i never ever wanna feel that kinda pain again. if it'sw gonna happen again i'd rather it just be a surprise. and not be thinkin "oh my numbers are bad-- i'm gonna clot-- or bleed to death." cuz it's always too high or too low.
so i say screw it-- and just get my psyche meds straightened out. cuz that's another thing i don't relish--- another stay in the hospital. i had gone like four or five years without havin to go inpatient--- til i was on coumadin-- ugh. i never made the connection.
thank you dr google. i think.
google is always my worst enemy-- or my best friend.
but i'll tell ya somethin-- if i have to go up one more pants size--- i'm gonna get suicidal!
even though-- i haven't had one person agree with me that it's a bad thing that i have gained weight. even soulkid told me i looked ill and needed to gain weight. ugh.
if only these people could spend two minutes in the mirror with me. i know it's most likely a mental misconception of my appearance-- because of how i was treated when i was a fat teenager--- but oh man. it's just awful. i hate it. weather i really am fat or not--- i feel fat--and i look fat. and somethin's gotta give.

ok. what else?
i have gotten myself into a pickle this passed few days. i mentioned that i offered a gal from my group some money to draw a portrait of my son with Jesus--didn't i? pretty sure i did. well... she's been sending -- emailing me her progress. ugh. am i satisfied? ummmm, no. and i don't know what to do about it. jesus is too skinny and the top of his head--isn't even on the page--- and as far as patrick--- ummm... nope. looks nuthin like him. this poor girl is really trying though. she has made many changes that i have suggested--- but it's still not right. not to me. i finally offered her "some" money to just stop where she's at-- and i apologized etc. but she insists she keep trying. i'm sure it's cuz she needs the money. and i hate that i have ignored her for the last day and a half--two days--after her last change. but i just don't think i want it--and sure don't wanna pay 100.00 (framed) for a portrait that isn't what i want and will live behind some other picture i end up puttin in the frame.

like i said-- i don't have many morals left.
i did get a rare chance to chat with jamie this morning-- and y'all know how she is-- the right thing is to pay for it-- and she's right. i know that. but --- ugh---
here-- YOU be the judge. would you hang this on your wall if it was your son..who is dead?

with this jesus

and this patrick?

???

that came from this photo?


i know-- the photo is washed out and faint--
i don't know where any more are.
in a box --somewhere-

i just don't see "him" in her version.

so--- help me!
what should i do?
i'm sure the thing looks better in person..and she is gonna frame and mat it for me.
100 bucks total.
i have got prices for this before-- at least five times--
without a frame- i never got an estimate lower than 250.00

should i go with my gut-- that says it isn't REALLY what i expected?
or-- go with my heart-- and do the next right thing, and pay her.???

maybe i need to meet up with her and have a look.
hell, i don't know.
healp me.

and have a great day in your worlds today!

the deed is done

now i shall go to bed, before i feel any pain.
i have been home long enough to eat and cruise a little-- now the sedation is wearing off and i don'twanna feel it-- so i'm gonna go to bed and read til i pass out.

i'll be back
happy monday

easter update --

i know, i've had this pic up before-- but i love it. and aren't so many of us like that? it makes me laugh every time i see it.
i guess what made me think of it was that i was called on my post from this morning. by many. i didn't realize that it was whiney-- it really wasn't meant to be. i was just writin. and what came out stayed there. then as i began to get comments i felt kinda bad. so many others have things goin on too-- and many worse than here i might add.
it's just my nature to complain i think. that and have cry baby attacks. i whine- therefore i am.

so anyhow-- the day did manage to turn out better than i expected. starting with the rain. i shoulda known. the news channel that i watch needs to fire their weatherman. he is always wrong. unless it's an arctic blast-- seems that always happens to be right. but according to him-- we were to have rain and storms alllll day long today. some people even did easter egg hunts last night-- to escape the rain. well... the rain did come-- and go--- during the time i wrote my post this morning. it didn't rain any more the rest of the day. in fact it got pretty warm too. it even crossed my mind to go fishin-- but i was sure it would rain on me-- so i didn't go. thank you weatherman. i'll never trust YOU again.

but-- the lack of rain made soulmans job easier today. the brisket on the smoker--- that wasn't a brisket at all. duh. it was three giant rib eye steaks. they were humongoid. each one covered half a plate. more than half. he slapped a whole steak on soulkids plate and hers and my eyes got huge-- then we busted out laughin; that he would even consider that she would attempt to eat such a huge steak. he also slapped one on my plate-- there was no room for anything else. we both got rid of more than 3/4 of our meat and put it back... but man was it yummy!

so, where did i get "brisket" from? well i did buy one-- but it was just not on the menu. ugh. i couldn't imagine if it were. we all surely would have exploded. what we had was pretty basic-- but more than enough. the brisket will be goin in the freezer before i go to bed.

and btw-- making a low carb holiday meal was not as hard as i thought it would be. it just lacked the rolls and butter --- and gravy-- i missed that-- but ya really don't need gravy with a steak.. and i got so full on the brocolli, and salad, and cow on my plate, that at the time-- i didn't even think of bread.
aaaaand would y'all believe it? nobody argued at the dinner table !! woo hoo! i think that was our first meal in months that someone didn't fight. it was very enjoyable. in fact soulkid liked it so much, she comented that it didn't last long enough.

aand she was actually surprised, and happy when presented with her easter basket. she has such a nice smile-- i wish we could see it more often. it's comin out though. the more "clean time" she gets together .. the more we see it. and the more we hear the genuine laugh of hers. the one that makes my stomache flip flop.

it makes me ashamed of myself -- for the things i think sometimes. because i do overlook so much in her sometimes lately. she's really trying-- and really improving. i'm proud of her. i do know how hard this is for her. in fact-- "they" say it's harder.

she went to a meeting tonight. her dad took her. he usually does. i took her the other night-- but i think that was a first. i just can't see to drive. heck-- when we went to the movies the other day--- i ran over a curb thing-- in the daylight! ugh



anyhow-- after he dropped her off he went to fish a little bit while she was there. he caught a 3 lb bedding bass. i'm jealous. i haven't got a three pounder since--- i don't remember. :)) but he was happy. plus he had an audience of a bunch of boys who had been trying to catch the same fish and they cheered him when he caught it-- that's always great for the male ego right. that and an awesome bbq turn out. y'all better watch out.. one more compliment and he may never come down.

even the dogs enjoyed the day-- they got to have the rib eye leavins-- and on steaks that size-- there was lots of leavins.

they haven't been in a fight btw-- since the night soulman yanked eevee onto the bed by her collar that time. i'm impressed. that always scares me. maybe they learned their lesson eh?

so anyhow-- that's about it--
thanks y'all for comin by--- i only made my rounds to pages that i knew had updated - or come by today-- so if i didn't come over i apologize--i'll catch up with ya.

anyhow-- i do hope you all had happy Easters.


cuz i reckon i did afterall.
told ya my predictions are subject to failure.
that's a good thing, right?

thank you easter bunny

happy Easter peoples--

here's the fish i caught yesterday--
nuthin to brag about -- but hey they're fish-

i look simply horrid lately--
i knew this, but i didn't realize JUST how horrid-
until i saw these pix.
that's why you don't see ME in them.
UGH.

WTH is happening to me? i look like somethin the cat dragged in.
i've gained weight-- i feel like hell--- and i have "something strange" on my face!!!
it isn't a rash-- it isn't zits--- i don't know wth it is. it makes me think of the "mask" people get when they're pregnant! but don't even go there-- cuz unless it's immaculate conception--- that aint even a possibility. i just look kinda dead-- and fat. and that about covers how i feel too.

my chair in my office has become my best friend. i either sit there all night screwin around on the lap top-- or i manage to fall asleep there--- and that is where i stay. don't even ask if it makes my back hurt-- cuz yes it does. it makes me hurt everywhere.
for some reason, soulman decided to untangle me from all the cordage and ask if i was goin to bed -- or stayin in the chair. i opted for the bed. i hurt even worse this morning.

soulkid had a friend stay the night last . on the condition that the friend would go home early-- since it's easter-- and they both have family stuff today. they are both still asleep -- of course-- what 15 year old isn't?
every year before today on easter-- i would have the easter basket all set out and waiting for when she woke up. even though the passed many years she knew where it really came from. i didn't set it out tho this time. because of the company. it just wouldn't be right. i guess she has a friend here a time or two before-- but i would just get an extra basket and set them both out for when they woke up. not this time tho. i don't even really know the kid that is here now. and y'all know-- i just don't have an ounce of trust for any one of her friends anymore. so it just wasn't in my blackened heart to do that this time. i almost didn't even get my own kid a basket. she's grown up enough to be in the positition she's in-- she surely outgrew the easter bunny-- right? ugh.
that thought remained until a new blog-pal reminded me-- they're never too old. so i did go get her stuff for a basket.
as i bought her a pack of cigarettes--- i considered putting them in there-- ugh. cigarettes. for my kid. it makes me nauseus to buy them. but considering the alternative-- her losing her drivers license before she even has it--- or causing someone old enough to get them for her to lose theirs-- it's just better i get em myself.
i didn't put them in there however-- that's just wrong on alll levels of morality. what few i have left.
so anyhow-- she has a most basic easter basket this year. a thrift store basket-- and a few of the basic easter candies. nuthin special, or planned.. or even fun for me to prepare. no plastic grass-- no plastic eggs with money.. i was almost resentful in buying and preparing the thing.

i just hate what has happened in this soul-world the passed couple years. it has changed every-thing. not one stone has gone unturned. my entire world--and family is different.
i'm a stranger in a strange a strange land. maybe that's why i had such a hard time motivating to fill the basket. to cook -- or plan to cook easter dinner. the whole thing.
i'm not cooking btw. the original plan was to go out. but it's gonna rain all day-- in fact it already is raining. which makes this day even more "special". so that plan changed to soulman smoking a brisket on the egg. he's thrilled btw. nothin like "grillin" in the cold rain. i don't even know if he still will. i don't really care either. i'll eat mcdonalds if he wants to whine about the rain. regardless.. shopping for dinner-- cost about a third of what going out would have...and i don't have to get dressed.

ooooohhhh what a bitter hag i am today. hard to believe it's a christian holiday isn't it? hard to believe anything around here lately tho.

not long ago there was an in-between place for me. where i accepted what was goin on with all of us. and i just dealt with it--- and let it roll. seems this past week has changed a lot. i almost feel like someone died. and no-- i know i mentioned--someone did die--and although i feel deeply for the loss of her --and the pain of her family-- that's not it.

i just don't like change... and i have realized-- something i have already known-- but i think it has sunken in-- finally. everything has changed. everyone has changed. and i'm not likin it one bit. i'm not likin the thoughts that it brings to me. i'm not likin much at all lately.

and ya know -- my head is workin overtime-- and backwards even. we have to start packing, and getting ready to move in JUNE.
what am I doing? decorating! buying and hanging crap. finding stuff in the garage that i have looked for for a year-- is jumping out at me-- so i put it out. instead of just leaving it there--ready to move.

all this-- and i just don't know what to do about any of it. well, i have an idea of what to do... i'm just not in any position to act on any of it.

i really have a feelin this day is gonna suck. the rain is already hittin the window behind me, and the wind is blowing. and it's cold out. with a beginning like this-- i think the outcome is pretty predictable.

just peachy.

i hope however-- that every one of YOU have a delightful easter sunday--
i'll let ya know how mine turns out.
it is kinda funny how often my predictions turn out wrong. y'alll know all about that dontchya?

welp-- enough outta me.

THE TIME HAS COME

i must go check out the fishin!!!!!
and get some Easter basket fillins--- (thanks debbie :))

happy saturday peeps :))

smocha--this one's for you

gecko sis--- this is for you :))

Laughing Baby Gecko - The funniest videos are a click away

so much for my plan of the day :((

leave it to me to have the luck of the schleprock. i woke up about 4 a.m. and it was about 70 degrees---- can you believe that? me neither. so i'm thinkin... YARD SALE!!!
i spend some time on craigslist lookin up yard sales etc....drink my coffee... do my morning crap-- and now-- it's 839-- and guess what? it's 49 degrees !!! and WINDY!!! ERG.
wth? i was also gonna load up a fishin rod or two and see if the fish have recovered yet--- but nooooo--- too windy. and cold. (for me).

the child has no school, hubby is at work-- i coulda had this day all to myself. go figure.

sooooo, now what will i do? no idea. i'm itchin to get outta this house tho-- so i'm thinkin maybe i'll go to kohls, and see what's on clearance--- and maybe hit a thrift store for doggy toys-- they have eaten every one they have.

by then, the child may be awake-- and perhaps i shall come get her and go to the dollar theater. or something. she needs a prom dress-- she has seen several cute ones--

did i mention she's back in regular school-- well a charter school. so far she likes being back-- but she's only gone for three days-- so that is always subject to change. :((

if it wasn't so windy i might consider cleaning my garage out-- there's someone loomkin for ,moving boxes--and that's what is fillin half my garage--empty boxes. good lord it's a fire hazzard out there.

did i ever tell you guys--- the hamster-- i don't even remember it's name-- but the one that ATE his friend-- "mclovin".. was living in his cage in the garage for a while-- cuz he stunk!-- and i went out there one day--- to find his cage spilled out on the ground-- he hasn't been seen since- i bet he made a stray cat pretty happy.

anyhow-- i guess i'll get UP and find something to do. i have been up a long time and am bored out of my skull.

ttyl
happy friday


ps--- i just can't believe no one has had anything to say about the sheep video-- i think it's hilarious!

speak to me peeps

wakey wakey :))

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too late to even try now

yep-- i speak of sleep. dammit. i got none again last night. i can say last night--because even tho it's only 3 a.m., it's time to get up for me. i have to wake soulkid at 530-- so there is like zero sense in trying to sleep now. i would only be too tired to get out of bed if i did. so i won't. i just got the coffee goin, and will be havin me a nice hot cuppa soon.
yep-- it's not gonna make the soulman none too happy--- not after our last "discussion" on my non-sleep habits. but that was before the new sleep med. i'm pretty sure i have slept every night since i started that-- until last night. and that was because i had a migraine. the same one that i went to bed with the night before. i woke up at like two or three and took an imitrex shot-- i was able to go back to sleep til 5 or 530 after that. but last night-- ugh. i took shot around five or six p.m, and it helped-- but it came back in an hour or two. i didn't want to take vicoden for it-- cuz sometimes that only makes a migraine worse for me. don't ask me why. cuz i have no idea. so-- around 8 i took some "goodies" and a cup and a half of coffee. even tho i was very tired at that time---tired enough to go to bed even. BUT -- i always have a hard time sleeping if someone is gone-- soulman, soulkid, or both...and last night , both were gone, til maybe 9. ish.
unfortunately-- i was cold busted drinkin coffee. even tho it does--and did help the headache--- i ended up bein up all night. i almost fell asleep in the chair-- but once i got up to go to bed-- it was all over with. i was alert again from just movin around the house.
i don't have the migraine anymore-- it's just too late--or early to go to bed.
wth ?? i feel like a kid in trouble. i really think it should be understood that some nights, i am just not gonna sleep. i have nothin goin on --other than takin and gettin soulkid from school today--- if i get tired i can nap- maybe. she gets out pretty early-- around 2. so if i don't lay down by ten i may as well forget it.

doesn't matter tho really, cuz today --or yesterday-- it got up to 75 degrees with little wind. it would have been a great day to fish-- had i not had an appointment and a migraine . along with other things.
and then today-- i have a lot of housework , laundry and errands to do-- if i finish in time--i just may go fishin. it seems like forever since i fished but i think it's only been like a week.
do y'all think hail--big hail-- can kill fish? maybe if it hits em in the head? :)) i wonder that. i wonder if they have recovered from the storm and cold weather and wind etc. this past week here has been really crappy--weather -wise.

so anyhow-- i got the second MRI done -- no new news on that yet--did i say that already? hmmm. anyhow. nope--- i prolly won't know anything else til the 9th, when i see the orthopod again. then after him i have the pain management for the shots--then neuro for that follow-up on all of these other things. ugh.
can we say P-O-V-E-R-T-Y??
soup line anyone?

hmmm... what else?????? not much i can think of right now-- with my non functioning tired brain.

cept this-- has anyone ever seen a cd of an mri? how bout their own? that is some wild shit there i say. i tried to copy an image from the disc but it wouldn't let me. but it is very weird. i saw my own brain. eeeewwwweeee. course i don't know a thing about interpreting any of that..brain, spine, discs, muscles. but i could see em. very weird.

ok-- i'm babblin now-- guess i will go---to do what? no idea-- but i know it won't be sleepin.

i did start reading a book yesterday at the mri place while i waited. i know-- a miracle huh? i never even finished the last one i mentioned.....i got like half way thru and lost my train of thought. so i put it up for another time.
now i'm reading one that a friend recommended --- by wally lamb. i forgot the name tho -- :)) oh-- it's " i know this much is true. i haven't gotten very far yet-- but it's pretty good. kinda strange-- but good enough to keep goin with. it's loooong tho. and me not bein a big reader-- i'm hopin i can finish it.

anyhow-- guess that's it outta me for now--- maybe i'll update this evening.

take care peoples.
and happy humpday!

(not like we didn't already know most of that-
i thought it was cool)

woo hoo -- i'm just giddy !

guess where i get to glow? ummm, i mean GO,.
i got a call earlier today-- the dr forgot to order an mri scan of my T-spine , when i had the other one. just peachy. that means i get to go have another mri-- today. yip yip yip-eeeee.
not.

hope y';alls days are good-- mines kinda busy-
happy tuesday

i'd rather be fishin -- dammit //// (UPDATED)

howdy folks--


yes, i would much rather be goin fishin than where i'm goin soon.
i have to go have yet another friggin MRI. i just don't get it-- i practically begged for an MRI for years, and now it seems i am having one -- or some other type of scan, or xray- or some crap -- every other week.

but hell. at least i'm being taken seriously now,. but i don't wanna go. anywhere actually.

the wind is screamin outside and it's not even 40 degrees. definitely MY hibernation weather. but oh well.

maybe they'll find the real problem this time. i'm beginning to think they just want my damn money. ugh.



the scan will be of my neck and scap areas. ugh. where it shoulda been months ago. they kept doin the shoulder..bones. sheeeeat. so anyhow-- no time for jibber jabber-- i must go get my glow on.




happy monday :))
i think that's an oxy moron...isn't it?


===============================================================

240 pm

hello again--- i'm baaaaack. i feel fat btw. i have gained so much weight lately. omg i feel like a whale. i'm sure the apple, and 2 bowls of cereal didn't help any-- but i was hungray! now i'm tired. i think i may just take a nap.

in answer to your question joz--- the new sleep med seems to work pretty well--- so far. i think i've only taken it two- or three times? but i sleep til 7-- i slept til almost 8 this mornin. so that's a good thing there. sorta. until i miss an appointment cuz i don't wake up. :))

on the other hand--- the ortho doc apparently already got the MRI report-- even though i still have the scans with me. some woman called to schedule me for the shots in my neck... apparently called -- somethin like a cervical epidural steroid injections. (which i will be lucky enough to be sedated for.

(3 appointments.--Lord i hope it helps. it's basically a nerve block. something i don't know why hasn't been tried before. but i'm game now.









i knew the neuro doc was missin somethin. i like him ok, but i think he shoulda caught this.
the new diagnosis?

Cervical Radiculopathy

i don't know if that means the diagnosis he did give me has changed---or if there are two diagnoses now.... but he had diagnosed me a while back with :

cervical dystonia too.

so. what does all this mean?

it means i am in pain. and now-- "they believe me."

so--- also to answer your question -- donna--- nope no surgery yet-- but it may be an option. if nothin else works.

anyhow-- that oughtta do it-- so - i'm gonna go lay my lard ass down for a while-- hope y'all are havin good days-
mine's just "glowin" :))
laterz-

just another sunday--

hiya folks

wth is it with the weather around here? yesterday woulda been the perfect day to go fishin-- it was HOT, wind was low, sun was shinin, --- whaddaya think is goin on right now-- well, since i woke up? the wind is whistlin! it sounds even creepy. haven't gone to the weather page but my guess is about 40 mph. i do not fish in the wind--andymore than jim croce spits into it. i hate to fish in the wind. hell i hate to BE in the wind. and -- it's COLD. wtf people? the weather gods are schitzo- shit. ruined my whole days plans.
now i guess it;s just work. paperwork, bills, house cleaning. all that fun stuff we all love so much.
to top off my morning bitch atack--- i am gonna run out of cigs in about an hour-- and will be forced to face the elements. i need a errand fairy!!! BRAAAAD???? :))

i joined facebook a few days ago-- i really don;t like it at ALL! it has too many stupid things on it that i just don't get. and yesterday i did some -- top five thing-- now i am hammered with SPAM , i even got a couple phone calls! i hate that. if i had known-- i woulda never done that thing. i even put a fake phone number! close but off-- and they still got me. i think i will be cancellin and stayin here where i am comfortable--and can at least maneuver myself around.
ugh the wind out there is drivin me batty.

i still haven't finished my taxes-- or got the program i need to use to do em.
i did however buy a adding machine yesterday-- a real one-- that i can SEE-- and print off of. it's pretty cool--but is takin some getting used to. and as much as i mess with banks etc-- it will come in handy even after the taxes-- IF i ever finish them. i really think i will be handing that task over to soulman today though---- i can';t like it.

yesterday i got some bad news. or should i say read some bad news..... one of my new blog pals daughter was found dead a few days ago. it was horrible to find that. and worse that i hadn't been to her page in days--so found out late. it is unknown exactly how she died--but "fowl play" may be involved. i can't handle hearing of people losing people-- me and death don't deal well together. i don't know why i feel the way i do about certain things--- but death and divorce disturb me. especially when the death is a child. of course this gal was not a child--- she was my friends' child. and it breaks my heart. because i know how that feels...i know how that is. and i know it never goes away. it is a heartbreak that should not even exist. a mother is never the same after such a thing.,
and it is a horrible loss...no matter when-- or what the cause. it is just not natural.
please send prayers to her and her family. that they will heal quickly and not be destroyed by their loss. any loved ones death is painful--- but that of your own child-- is hell on earth. her name was Stephanie.

she is asking for donations to be sent to NAMI--or LUPUS.... if you can do this , please do. any amount will help.

wow. i still can't get my head around this. we had talked of her daughter just a few weeks ago. it's tough. and i hate it for her.



anyhow-- that just ripped every other thought out of my head.
maybe i;ll come back later with more.


hope you all have nice days today--
laterz

she's headed for a new life

1-
yesterday was my last day of group therapy.
i think i just may miss it some.
it gave me a reason to wake up-- a place to go-- real live people to interact with- -- and a place to say things that i wouldn't be judged for.
yes. i'll miss that.

2- the day also started out as quite a SOAB. i think it was like 6 a.m when i was bombarded with how important it is for me to sleep at night. so much was out of character in that "conversation" that it blew me away. 17 years, ya live with a person, and most of it is disregarded and placed on ya (me)-- as a character flaw-- or a behavioral problem.
needless to say-- the conversation did not go well.. in fact--it was crap.
thank GOD, we both had places to go. (yes, i speak of the huby and i.)
haha-- "the keeper, that almost got tossed back!)

3- i saw my shrink also-- i told her of the lack of NEED of sleep. about the "discussion" soulman and i had that a.m. - and told her-- i am runnin out of choices-- i can drink.. overdose on sleep meds--JUST to sleep people -- OR she could give me something else.
drinking sounded pretty good-- but she didn't think so :))
so-- the end result? horse pills ! ... big as a grape! a sleepin pill i've never heard of-- much less been offered. i have to take two , because i have a tolerance level of king kong--but it worked!! not sure when i laid down-- before nine i think-- i woke up at like 730. that's one for the record books.

4- after i saw her i was officially discharged from group--said ola to the gals i got to know--and the rest, just to be cordial. i do wish them all the best-- it's hard not to be concerned about folks when you hear the stuff they say in there.

5-- then, it was off to the orthopedic surgeon. that part made me a bit nervous. this shit has been goin on for far too long with my back. and with nothing showing up on all the mri's and xrays-and other stupid tests-- and little to no releief from the pain.. i just didn't know what to expect from him.
and wouldn't ya know it--i got lost-- and couldn't find the place. i was sooo frickin tired yeaterday, from no sleep i thought i'd die. i kept falling asleep in between times he would be in the room with me and go out for something.
anyhow-- more xrays. i didn't think muscles showed up on xrays-- but he must have a superman machine. he could see the muscles that were spasmed, and messed up--- but of course he also--- didn't xray the right part. the worst part i should say, which is the scapula area.
but he referred me for a mri-- pain management-- and then i will be having more shots in my NECK. owwwwwww.
he gave me a shot too--and it hurt. just so ya know. i usually take shots pretty good. cept the botox shots in my back a few months ago hurt like a bitch.
then after all this is done.. surgery might be an option. i heard him on his machine-- what do they call that-- where they record their notes? he said possible torn ligaments== just like neuro guessed. i am not lookin forward to surgery-- but if it helps--- i will take it in a heartbeat.
i'm just sure that the constant --or near constant pain, is contributing to the sleep and depression problems. so hey-- i'm game. just get it over with.


ok..enough about me.

soulkid starts school tomorrow. it's back to the one that's onlyu like half a day-- 830-2... but i feel good about it-and so does she. i will have to drive her-- but i have several appointments lined up-- so for the first few weeks it won't be so bad. i just hope it helps her-- she is in real danger of failing the ninth grade. mostly because she has had so many (med probs and missed school)-- but she also screwed around waaaaay too much.
so, go her. she better get serious, and bust a move.

last night she spent the night with a friend. the lack of trust there even crept into my dreams...but the girl she went with had been in treatment with her--goes to meetings with her--and also seems serious about staying clean. i hope it is all on the up and up. no one can lie like a teenage girl. or two. ugh.

as for the hubster and i-- it's smoothed out now. i think. still a bit of animosity.. feeling attacked over something I cannot control.. but i get over stuff ok. sometimes.


so--- that's just about that.
for now-- y';all are update on the goings on in the soul crib.

some stuff comin up in the near future-- but that can wait til next time.

be happy in your worlds today-
i think i'll just stay busy.

here are a couple posts from my draft file-- due to interruptions and not finishing

the new me-
just add like 20 pounds!

hi peepslesssss-


(this is a post of two posts i attempted to write yesterday--and in the middle of the night yesterday-- that just didn't make it up here. too many distractions.
ha-- you wonder-- who can be distracted at such hours-- well, that would be me.

----------------------------------
these are from friday- april 3rd.
----------------------------------

this is my 690th post
no tellin how many there would be had i not deleted
so many a while back.
but still, that is a lot of damn writin.

anyhwo-- just thought i'd get that out of the way. i'm not sure what the hell is goin on here-- but it's 2 am.. and i have not been to bed yet. this kinda thing gets really old, really fast. i guess it seems the days that i am stressed or overwhelmed in some way-- or angry even.. are the days that i don't sleep. i guess i'm maybe becoming imune to the slep meds--again-- and i'm ust on my own. obviously , i don't do well on my own. in just about any manor-- i just suck . not all of me-- just the part of me that requires functioning. like communication, routine, self esteem, motivation, respon
sibility, maturity, memory. you know. that type of stuff. but -well i seem to lack the majority of those--and then some.

obviously, i'm not real happy where i'm at right now. not physically-- well, not so much. but i mean spiritually, maybe. nah, that's not the right word. but whatever it is that means where you are in your mind.. or your state of mind? i don't know. i'm not sayin i'm goin mental ... i'm just saying that things aren't working out the way i would like them to be. and a "vacation" sounds pretty good right now."

i don't know how to explain it-- and even if i did-- i'd prolly be too embarased to say it. or write it.
maybe i'm just tired. no one should be on a sleeping pattern the way i have been for so long. i used to complain that i slept too much, and couldn't accomplish anything. now it's the opposite. i don't sleep enough, and i do too much. i'm on the run every day almost. it really affects me. in every way. it affects my relationships. and in turn, it affects my world.

so much has changed , just over the past couple months. a lot has to do with people. alot has to do with me. i just don't know what i'm doing--or even what i am supposed to be doing.

a couple things that get to me lately is, so many times i hear people say-- they are original, what they write is original, they don't want people to steal or borrow their "words". but it seems anywhere i go on here-- it's like i see me talkin. my phrases, my words, weather it be someone commenting, consoling someone-- or in their posts. it's very strange--- and it isn't new to me to be bothered by it. it's just weird, and irritating. but it won't kill me i don't spose. i'm sure it's just my frame of mind right now. just feelin a little lost-- and to see my -- what i thought was originality -- other places-- just a bit unsettling. not anything to get riled up over though-- it isn't like i have much much bigger fish to fry. right.



///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

next attempt

so. anyhow. today is my last day in my womens group thing .
and monday my child will be going back to school. she has decided that home schooling rather sucks. it's lonely-- and she doesn't like to be home so much without conversation with kids her age. i can imagine tho. i'm glad she chose to go back to school.
it's important she get the right help/// especially in math. i just can't do that shit.
she seems happy about it-- and ready.
i sure am. i hadn't really had to do much with the homeschool since she enrolled-- as far as helping her work-- but the fear of it was overwhelming me..especially before i knew she wanted to go back to her other school. so-- big relief .

change.
i don't like change very much. it upsets me.
things have all been changing ever since like the beginning of last year. i sure hoped 2009 was gonna be better-- i think it's worse-- and it aint even a quarter way through.

one foot in front of the other i reckon. it's just kinda tough to do that when all trust has gone out the window. it's kinda like walkin thru life in the dark ya know. i just never know when the bottom is gonna fall out. again.

i'm tryin tho. but dammit it just doesn't seem to work.
or it will for a while-- then the shit falls apart again.

gotta get goin
todays post- comin up

until then---
there's a stupid game to pass some time--if you have it. (below here). i played a few times-- it's like a fifth grade game-- but it'll get ya if ya aren't careful. for a little while anyhow.

mute it if the noise bugs ya.

big fish little fish

Fish Tales

Play more games at Fugly.com