thank you easter bunny

happy Easter peoples--

here's the fish i caught yesterday--
nuthin to brag about -- but hey they're fish-

i look simply horrid lately--
i knew this, but i didn't realize JUST how horrid-
until i saw these pix.
that's why you don't see ME in them.
UGH.

WTH is happening to me? i look like somethin the cat dragged in.
i've gained weight-- i feel like hell--- and i have "something strange" on my face!!!
it isn't a rash-- it isn't zits--- i don't know wth it is. it makes me think of the "mask" people get when they're pregnant! but don't even go there-- cuz unless it's immaculate conception--- that aint even a possibility. i just look kinda dead-- and fat. and that about covers how i feel too.

my chair in my office has become my best friend. i either sit there all night screwin around on the lap top-- or i manage to fall asleep there--- and that is where i stay. don't even ask if it makes my back hurt-- cuz yes it does. it makes me hurt everywhere.
for some reason, soulman decided to untangle me from all the cordage and ask if i was goin to bed -- or stayin in the chair. i opted for the bed. i hurt even worse this morning.

soulkid had a friend stay the night last . on the condition that the friend would go home early-- since it's easter-- and they both have family stuff today. they are both still asleep -- of course-- what 15 year old isn't?
every year before today on easter-- i would have the easter basket all set out and waiting for when she woke up. even though the passed many years she knew where it really came from. i didn't set it out tho this time. because of the company. it just wouldn't be right. i guess she has a friend here a time or two before-- but i would just get an extra basket and set them both out for when they woke up. not this time tho. i don't even really know the kid that is here now. and y'all know-- i just don't have an ounce of trust for any one of her friends anymore. so it just wasn't in my blackened heart to do that this time. i almost didn't even get my own kid a basket. she's grown up enough to be in the positition she's in-- she surely outgrew the easter bunny-- right? ugh.
that thought remained until a new blog-pal reminded me-- they're never too old. so i did go get her stuff for a basket.
as i bought her a pack of cigarettes--- i considered putting them in there-- ugh. cigarettes. for my kid. it makes me nauseus to buy them. but considering the alternative-- her losing her drivers license before she even has it--- or causing someone old enough to get them for her to lose theirs-- it's just better i get em myself.
i didn't put them in there however-- that's just wrong on alll levels of morality. what few i have left.
so anyhow-- she has a most basic easter basket this year. a thrift store basket-- and a few of the basic easter candies. nuthin special, or planned.. or even fun for me to prepare. no plastic grass-- no plastic eggs with money.. i was almost resentful in buying and preparing the thing.

i just hate what has happened in this soul-world the passed couple years. it has changed every-thing. not one stone has gone unturned. my entire world--and family is different.
i'm a stranger in a strange a strange land. maybe that's why i had such a hard time motivating to fill the basket. to cook -- or plan to cook easter dinner. the whole thing.
i'm not cooking btw. the original plan was to go out. but it's gonna rain all day-- in fact it already is raining. which makes this day even more "special". so that plan changed to soulman smoking a brisket on the egg. he's thrilled btw. nothin like "grillin" in the cold rain. i don't even know if he still will. i don't really care either. i'll eat mcdonalds if he wants to whine about the rain. regardless.. shopping for dinner-- cost about a third of what going out would have...and i don't have to get dressed.

ooooohhhh what a bitter hag i am today. hard to believe it's a christian holiday isn't it? hard to believe anything around here lately tho.

not long ago there was an in-between place for me. where i accepted what was goin on with all of us. and i just dealt with it--- and let it roll. seems this past week has changed a lot. i almost feel like someone died. and no-- i know i mentioned--someone did die--and although i feel deeply for the loss of her --and the pain of her family-- that's not it.

i just don't like change... and i have realized-- something i have already known-- but i think it has sunken in-- finally. everything has changed. everyone has changed. and i'm not likin it one bit. i'm not likin the thoughts that it brings to me. i'm not likin much at all lately.

and ya know -- my head is workin overtime-- and backwards even. we have to start packing, and getting ready to move in JUNE.
what am I doing? decorating! buying and hanging crap. finding stuff in the garage that i have looked for for a year-- is jumping out at me-- so i put it out. instead of just leaving it there--ready to move.

all this-- and i just don't know what to do about any of it. well, i have an idea of what to do... i'm just not in any position to act on any of it.

i really have a feelin this day is gonna suck. the rain is already hittin the window behind me, and the wind is blowing. and it's cold out. with a beginning like this-- i think the outcome is pretty predictable.

just peachy.

i hope however-- that every one of YOU have a delightful easter sunday--
i'll let ya know how mine turns out.
it is kinda funny how often my predictions turn out wrong. y'alll know all about that dontchya?

welp-- enough outta me.