valentines day FROM the soul-sloth family

happy valentines day peeps---

i really don't have much to say right now-- or time to say it either. i'm almost out of smokes-- right in the middle of my smoke and choke--- i never do that. i am not happy with myself. i need to now get dressed and got to the store ugh. never a good thing at 630 in the morning. but oh well. i ran around all day yesterday-- not like i didnt have a chance to pick some up-- i was too lazy-- and sloth-like.

anyhow---

anybody have any big romantic plans???
tell me about em.

i will get back with ya later on what--- if anything we end up doin...

eye just can't help myself

so--- eye update-- "allergic conjunctivitis". hmmm. you'd think that a person like me.. who googles every possible medical term under the sun, would know what that was. but noop. didn't. not til yesterday. first time i heard it was when Gypsy said it in the comments. then i take soulkid to the eye doctor-- it was easier to get in there then the GP-- cuz it's "flu season".. lovely. so we go in there-- and here's something else i hate-- since it kinda seems this week i have a runnin list of things i kinda hate on... is when ya got to a doctor and they THEY ask YOU.. what's goin on.. or what do YOU think it is?
well.. lemmee ask YOU dr asshat-- if i KNEW-- would i be HERE.. paying YOU to tell ME?
ERG!
so the friggin "nurse" (?) i don't know-- asks first-- the one who did like a little eye exam .. "so what do YOU think is goin on"?
to a 13 year old! but leave it to soulkid! :))
"i think i have bacterial conjunctivitis". i HAD to laugh. she sounded so educated-- but at the same time.. i don't know--- it was just kinda weird. for me.
so anyhow-- we got through the exam etc.. then go in and the reg dr comes in.. same question.. i chuckled and told soulkid don't even say it-- although-- i guess i shoulda just left her alone-- because as it turned out-- she is apparently smarter than i give her credit for-- and 2) smarter than ME. i already knew that-- to an extent at least. it just sounds funny to hear a teenager self diagnose themself with a term that you have never even heard. maybe.
so she said she thought she had pink eye.
i felt bad afterwards-- that i stifled her intelligence btw. i won't do that again.
so-- she goes through the exam with the doc---
guess what--
it wasn't "bacterial conjunctivitis" BUT it is "allergic conjunctivitis"... which is basically the same thing-- only not contagious. not an infection. so she got a rx for drops, and can go back to school today.
she is of course upset that she cannot wear makeup for a few days-- and tried to get out of going to school this morning-- but i wasn't fallin for that little trick. her dad almost did. but not EYE . :))

so anyhow--
yesterday was busy-- but it was sporadically so. make sense?
i accomplished a lot-- but in bits and pieces.. and i even tossed a nap in there-- me and soulkid both did. we were tiahd.

hubby cooked some damned good burgers on the smoker after work. along with some chicken. there was only enough chicken for soulkid, but we both snuck a bite just to see how it turned out .. holy cow-- it was awesome! we have wanted to get a "big green egg" for like 7 or 8 years-- and finally got one-- we have only cooked a few things on it so far-- but i'm tellin ya-- it makes the BEST tasting food EVER!

so anyways-- i gotta get motivated here ... or at least try to.... so i will catch up with y'all later-- hopefully not as late as yesterday---

hope you all have happy days in your worlds today--
i will try--

time, thunder and teeth oh my

well hell.

i don't know a thing about numerology-- and even if i did , i most likely wouldn't believe it, but the number 333 has been a significant number for some odd reason for like the last couple of years or so. and just in case i didn't get in here to post before the clock rolled over to the next minute-- it was 333 a.m. hmmmm.
it's not just a time with that number-- it has been hwy numbers, mileage on my car, gas prices, bank balances, bill amounts, all kinds of things. places you would not expect to see a number like that-- i have, and not only that, my sister has too. it just pops up. people even leave me comments here at 333. or i post at 333. a.m - or p.m it just happens, and turns up all the time. it's very strange.
as my mom was getting sicker a couple years ago, my sister and i would see this number everywhere-- we used to say-- "maybe that''s what time she will die".. it wasn't however. in fact, i don't remember what time that was-- just that it was dark. i'll never be able to forget that it was dark.

so anyhow-- not only did i wake up too early-- 3 a.m. --- i woke to a big thunderstorm.. the kind that would keep any sane person off of the computer-- but here i sit. i tried to go back to sleep, but it was another of those "sweaty" mornings. sometimes i wake up soaked-- and don't really know why. dr's can't tell me why-- so i have quit even worrying. but i do wonder. so as i laid there, cold, and listening to the thunder, my mind took off. when that happens--- i know it's all over with.
the wind is blowing like crazy too btw. i hear my chairs outside blowing over every now and then one will fall... i think there's one of four left to go. and the little whirly thing on top of the house is about to fly off i think. it's just whizzin around like crazy . i even hear wind in the chimney/fireplace.
i'm surprised it hasn't woken anyone up-- at least sushi-- it's just noisy. creepy. but , everyone's sleepin like a bunch of little babies. well, cept me.

anyhow-- not too sure about y'alls yesterdays yet-- i haven't really checked around since yesterday .
as for mine-- simple plans-- little accomplishment.

my main agenda held a few errands...
which i think i completed-- well... none.
i thought hubby had the day off-- but he had a odd shift again.. like 3-7 or something-- he ended up leaving around 12 or 1 ish and got home about 6.
we ended up going out to pay a bill-- and had lunch. (i'm still waiting for my breakfast out :))
by the time we got back it was time for him to get ready for work-- and my plan was to clean my kitchen and go back out for other errands--- but neither happened. i do know better than to eat a heavy lunch-- but i did it anyways. and i was ruined. eating too much for me, is like a normal person running five miles. it actually wears me out. so, i laid down with my book... i got it almost finished ... and fell asleep. ugh.
i woke up at like 4 .... my first thought of course is soulkid! she gets home around 340 ish. so i jump up all panicky-- not remembering if she was locked out or not-- or even home at all--cuz i didn't hear anything. but there she was-- on the computer -- big surprise there. not.
so- i ask her about her day etc.. get a drink.. begin to sit down.. when she says---
"hey mom, aren't we sposed to go to ortho today?" all nonchalantly . oh man. one thing i
have always hated is being late-- anywhere.
so here it is-- 420 already-- her appointment time.. and we are just leaving. we jump in the car-- i call ortho-- of course being late, got us pushed back like 45 minutes at the appointment. ugh. another thing i hate-- waiting. seems i'd be used to that by now-- but nope-- always waitin on someone -- or something. so anyhow-- all that crap , for what? it was THE shortest actual ortho appt she has EVER had-- BUT-- we sat in the damn waiting room for 45 minutes to get called back---- so they could LOOK IN HER MOUTH. that's it. they didn't even change the bands this time. nuthin.

know what they did do??? they told me on the way out-- oh by the way-- insurance has refused to pay their remaining balance of 369.00 AND you still have a balance of 115.00. (which BOTH i think are total bullshit. - but haven't had a chance to look into yet)-- but they said they won't take her braces off til the balance is paid! WTF! they shoulda had the damned things off her teeth six months ago any damn way. now they threaten to keep her in braces jail til i pay money that should already be paid.. wth do I have to do with what insurance said they would pay??? i don't know anything about that crap. as for what they say i owe? i am 99 percent sure i paid that. i had a payment book-- paid it all-- and never got another bill-- i would think that means i am paid to date. but hell-- i guess i don't know anything about that either. oh well. guess it's another "learning experience". i hate that phrase.

so anyhow-- yep. that was fun. not really. but it happens i guess.
then we get home.. what? 530 or so-- prolly later actualy, cuz soulkid talked me into stopping for MAKEUP. good lord. i have lived nearly 42 years without makeup-- (for the most part of course)-- seems this girl of mine needs something every week. then of course-- she gets A zit, and thinks she she needs some kind of dermatology test kit. ugh. and me? well, i'm just a sucker i spose--- cuz i'm just happy that she is into that kinda stuff. i guess. so we stop at the store--
maybe if i wasn't craving my damn peanut butter M-N-M's -- i coulda "just said no"
but i was gonna eat my way into a calmer mood. didn't really work though.
we got home, and i had to cook dinner right away. stew-- turned ok-- but of course the meat coulda been better. i like stew that cooks all day-- not in an hour or two. but ., it was alright. i've done better though.

so anyhow-- what now? the book. i did finally finish the damn book. usually if or when i read a book.. when i finish it-- i either say to myself ... damn that was good. or i wish i could write like that. or what a piece of shit. you get the drill. i have to critique it at least a little.
well, i finish this one, and i'm like--- OMG-- "critics raved"???? best memoir since tobias wolfs This Boys LIfe (which i loved!)--- that's why i bought it! they compared it to one of my all time favorite movies... but noooo. it was a piece a crap. if it woulda been a library book, and not one i actually paid 20 bucks for-- i bet money i wouldn't have even read the damn thing all the way through. but i kept "waitin for it to get better".
my final thought on THIS book?
OMG.. if this woman can write this book.. and even get OPRAH to back it--?????--- WTH????
i KNOW i could write my book. much better too.

that's what i went to sleep thinking about.. maybe i should get back on the book idea. i don't know the first thing about the first thing about writing a book. but i know i have one in me.. and i know it is much better than this one i just read-- and actually a few others i have read too.
as far as non-fiction goes-- or autobiography-- memoir type of stories--- well, people just don't have lives like me and my family.

y'all know i could never tell you what book i'm talkin about-- i'd get soo busted for "slander" or somethin for doggin it... even though i guess i should have a right to my opinion.. especially on literature -- wouldn't you think? but really.

what a bunch of crap. how hard is it really to write a book? is it really as hard as i let my own fear think it is?
and if i ever did write it--how would it end? how do you end a book without an an ending?
all the years i've thought about it-- i imagined it would end with some great personal healing, or spiritual awakening. neither of which i have arrived at yet.

it really sucks just how paralyzing (my) fear can be.

so anyhow-- i think my child has pink eye-- last night her whole eye was swollen and sore. so if nothing has changed there-- she will be going to the dr today-- school will send her right home if they think she has pink eye.

and aside from that being up in the air-- i have to play catchup today-- on lots of stuff.

i just found out my bro in law may be coming the end of march-- (we all know that's a great time of year for me)-- but i told hubby-- it just might be a good distraction, so tell him to come on. (because he was gonna tell him not to--yet.)
plus-- fishing is liable to be top notch around here about that time. he and i have had a long running fishing competition goin. up until his last visit i think i was ahead-- but some of you might remember-- he did pretty darn good out at lake fork. which is where we hope to go this time too. i think that is where MY ten pound bass lives :)) and i'll get him someday.

ok.. i have blabbed enough. about pretty much nuthin too.

hope you all have good days today...
mine will be busy-- and hopefully good too.

monday again - i know that excites you all

once again i got nuthin.
i think i burnt myself out just answering comments below.

i did realize though, that part of yesterdays oddness.. was that i had posted that i woke up at five a.m.-- but when i made a second trip around thru some blogs-- i noticed i posted on one page at like 4:01 a.m. i was really quite out of it. even more than i thought.
apparently though, it got better throughout the day. i have no clue why i felt the way i did, but it seemed that several others had the same "off" feeling early in the morning. i do wonder what that was all about. or if there was any kind of "connection" , ya know. i don't usually believe in that supernatural hoopla--- but really , there have been times that i have felt the need to call or check on someone.. and it turned out that something was going on with them. that is really strange, i think. but so far-- i haven't heard that anyone who admitted to having "that feeling" yesterday.. had anything really significant happen. yet.

anyways. i don't have anything great to report here. any updates on the mall hell journey are in the below comments-- as are the soul-hub tourney results.

and other than those two events of the day-- nothing else happened here in soul land yesterday.

i am almost finished with my book. i would have finished it.. but didn't devote as much time as i would have like to to it. i have about two hours left on it.
gotta admit-- it keeps your attention-- most of the time-- but i don't think i would recommend it. (way too "floaty") know what i mean? one of those ones that talks in one year-- then in the next paragraph your twenty years ahead-- then back to where you were in a few minutes. my attention span has a tough time with books like that.
but anyhow-- i'll be done with it today.
and yes-- i'm sure you noticed-- i didn't exaggerate when i said i was a slow reader. :((
most people i know can read an entire book in one afternoon. i think i may have done that once-- or twice. in my whole life. flowers in the attic by VC andrews was one of em.

ok.. guess i'm done for now.

things that make ya go hmmmmm

Well… happy Sunday peeps…

I don’t know about y’all but today just feels weird already. Not sure how to explain what I mean by that yet—but maybe I’ll get there. We’ll see.

It’s 7 A.M. .. Sunday of course-- everything seems “off” already. Ever since I woke up at 5 (ish). For one.. 5 is a bit late for me, but I have been sleeping til then (ish) for a few days it seems. I think maybe I have been staying awake later though too, so maybe that has something to do with that part—but it still feels a bit strange. I usually am up before , or around 4.

This morning.. I woke up… and nothing felt right. I didn’t even feel like I was in the right place. Ya know what I mean? Just a bit out of it I think. Maybe shaking off a dream that I couldn’t remember. Not sure. Then I noticed hubby wasn’t there in bed… but it only took a second to remember that he had to leave around 230 for the fishing tournament. But normally I hear him leave- or wake up when he kisses me goodbye--- (without fail)… but I didn’t this morning. I don’t remember a thing.

Then I get up, and (spot) the cat is sleeping in the bathroom, and jitterbug, the other cat, is sleeping on top of an oversized footlocker at the foot of my bed. Normally jitterbug Is IN the bed—and spot is UNDER the bed. Sushi—she usually goes to bed with me, but when soulkid goes to bed, she kidnaps her and takes her to her room. So , that was nothing new to find her in their, and put her outside.

Anyhow—I just had a strange “feeling”. And when I got online.. to check on peeps, and have my morning “cawfee tawk” (slash) smoke n choke with Jamie—she is nowhere to be found. So, of course I begin to worry—as y’all know—she is awake before the chickens almost everyday—like 3 A/M--- and here it is after 7 and nothin.

So—I answer comments here—and make my rounds—not much new stuff—anywhere. More strangeness. No new news since yesterday a.m.??

It just seems strangely quiet here. In my house—and in blogland. Even sushi came back from outside and disappeared again—she usually gets under my old lady blanky in my chair in the mornings. Every morning. Haven’t even seen her since I let her in.

All this, and – a migraine for breakfast. WTH is UP with all the headaches lately?

What is UP with a lot of stuff?

830-now---

Aha---- Jamie sprung to life—(this is the latest she has slept since I have known her btw)

we talked a while. Now I feel a bit more like I am in a regular day--- but not still.

I have a shopping date with soulkid later on today. Y’all would be surprised how fast a kid can clean a total disaster area when they really want something. :))

We’d been planning a trip to mall hell for a week now—because soulman has his fishing tournament, and really, she and I just need to spend some time together.

It seems like a long time since we have done anything, just the two of us. It has been a long time. So , even though I hate the mall—and already fear the walking, and probable arguing—I am looking forward to our day together.

Well anyhow—I spose that is all I got for now. The mall here doesn’t open til friggin noon, so I just may have a look around and see if hubby happened to have left me a decent fishing rod—and tackle. If so I MAY go fish a while, til the girl wakes up.

But, I am not feeling very hopeful that I will find a rod worth fishing with—usually a tournament day—means every good setup—and every decent bait we own.. is gone.

So—whatever will I do with myself? Read my book maybe. Which btw—is pretty good—but totally NOT what I expected. I do seem to read faster when I can see though.

So, hopefully, it will get interesting again and I just may finish it by tonight. If so—this will be the fastest I have read a book—in literally years.

Is it the book—or the cheap glasses???

Hmmm.

Anyhow---

I do hope you all have good days today=

Mall hell and all – I will try

it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

Today: Sunny. High near 70F. Winds ESE at 5 to 10 mph.

i'm sorry snow queens.. but this is what today is sposed to be like here in beautiful North Texas today. tragic isn't it??? i could live without the wind-- but it won't be too awful. it's fishable. :))

and, seein as most of my chores are done-- it's even more fishable. and i'm not on the clock today-- as soulkid isn't in school.. and basically stuck home-- because her chores are NOT done.. so , i am free!

of course there are a few things i will need to do here at home.. like dinner dishes, and i STILL need to hang stuff on my nekkid walls.. but no pressure there really.

so today will be more opened windows, sunshine, fresh air-- NO COAT!!!! and whatever else i want. i may just make hubby wake up and take me out to breakfast. for some reason i have been wanting to go out to breakfast for like a week now. no idea why-- just kinda craving breakfast food.


and-- later i am supposed to help hubby re-spool about ten fishing reels-- as he is to fish a tournament tomorrow. that's always fun. seems after that task i find fishing line around the house for weeks ! actually the cats find it--and i have to pull it out of their throats! yes i do know how dangerous that is-- but it hasn't killed em yet. and does anyone realize just how much line is on ten fishing reels-- ya just can't get it all in one swoop-- it really does take a while to find it all. but actually-- this is the first time in this house with no carpet--so it may be easier to find and clean up than i think.

so anyhow--- what's y'alls plans for the day???

here is your fish dammit :))

ok.. i'm not AS assy as i was earlier--- but i still have to wash my dishes..
BUT--- have a LOOK at THAT fish !!!
aaaand how bout that SUNSHINE???
ignore the face though-- please. i have definitely had better days.. i think i may be having another steroid attack!! i knew i was feelin fat!
but-- speakin of fat-- look at that FISH... he's a giant! woo hoo!

ok .. i gotta go do my work. my child will be home shortly and i just hate to clean when people are here.

warning: assy woman ahead ---

I am having a helluva time trying to do anything on my computer this morning. I don’t know why, but the damn thing just doesn’t want to move at all. It keeps timing out, locking up, and pissin me off! It got me around a little bit, earlier, then pretty much quit. Well, as far as the internet goes at least.

So, I suppose I will just see if I can come up with anything postworthy here— (on word) and move it over later on.

What sucks about this situation—aside from the fact that my entire morning routine has been screwed. Because I normally smoke – n- choke online for a couple hours every morning. Ugh.

Today is also, payday—and that also means a day, that I absolutely need the internet to be working; So I can check my banks, move money around, pay bills, etc etc etc. you know , all that fun stuff.

But nooooo. I am me. Remembah.

Aha!... it decided to work … so I did get to smoke and choke for a bit—just not as long as I usually do. But that’s ok. of course not without getting bumped offline a couple times-- which infuriates me. but oh well.

So , anyhow I am assuming that I will be able to do my bills and crap online afterall. Good. I hate when I have to go out to do all that runnin around and crap. Which I will have to do anyhow—just not as much.

So, anyways…. Today is supposed to be 67 degrees. They have been saying so all week long. And I have been waiting for this day and this temperature, all friggin week. So it better happen.. or the weather mans’ ass is MINE. and not in a good way.

Yesterdays temp wasn’t terrible, but the wind was. The wind has sucked all week long. I know—I know—many of you are freezing to death in snow up to your neck… but I live in Texas for a reason… and it is so I do not have to live – or die that way. I want to FISH!
I want to go outside without a jacket… I want to wash my car, which is now covered in a film of road splatter, bugs, and dirt from my Arkansas trip. It looks like hell. But, really, do any of you think I was gonna go to the car wash in 50 degrees with wind at 20-30 mph? nope I didn’t think so. So I haven’t.

But anyhow—today is sposed to be warm.. but windy—but if the wind isn’t like it has been lately—I shall be a fishin fool. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha . (sorry, lost control for a sec)

Anyhow, guess I shall go do my stuff, so if the day does turn out like they say—I will be able to enjoy at least some of it.

What a bunch of CRAP ! I wonder if it is just MY computer connection that is soooo screwed up???? WTF? It just took TWO HOURS to check ONE bank. I even deleted pix and files thinking maybe I was bogged down with my own crap. Did it help? Hell no.

I coulda just waited , and gone to the bank to do that stuff…woulda been a lot less stressful. And faster too. but i am stubborn.. as you all have surely figured out by now.

Of course some of the stress was the headache I got from sushi sitting right on the back of my chair—barking her high pitched dumb ass bark--- at every single little sound--- like the 150 kids car doors closing as they get dropped off in front of my house. (to walk across the street to school)

And also—my own child—draggin her ass and being late this morning—but not only her—but the TWO friends that came over this morning to walk with her. She made them late as well—even though I told them to GO. all of them, more than once.

Ever feel like no one gives a damn what you say? Hmmm.. ya well.. I thought ya might. Just checkin.

I am not liking the start of this day so far… so all I can say is yep—the weather better be nice, sunny, and fishable—with no wind… and I better have time to fish after all my damn dishes and runnin around.

This whole house is goin to hell here. It’s like no one gives a crap anymore—not them—or me. my kitchen looks like like death ran through. ugh.

I have a damn migraine. Just thinking about this crap pisses me off.

Wanna know what else pisses me off??? 400.00 electric bills. That’s what. I just got my 2^nd one for this house. There oughtta be a law that makes the landlord pay for crap like that. at least partially. Obviously something is very wrong with the heater. Hubby did talk to the landlady about it a few weeks ago after the first outrageous bill.. of almost 375.00--- she did have some guy come out—but obviously—he didn’t fix the problem. this one? 391.72!!!! that's just wrong. i bet that's why they moved. ERG!

i'd friggin move too-- but oh hell no-- i'm not even unpacked from this move! holy hell. :))

Well. Grouchy much????

Guess I will see if this will post, and then I will get this day movin.

That , or I will don my fabulous 20.00 over the counter reading glasses that I finally broke down and bought—along with a book—that, believe it or not—I just started to read last night and am absolutely amazed that I can SEE! i only made it to like page six :)) before i fell asleep-- but i can SEE!

Just think what might happen if I had REAL glasses… I might be able to drive. oh hell, i might even be able to drive in the dark! Hmmmm. someone come light a fire under soulmans' ass! he's only told me for what, a YEAR that he would get me an appointment!

Anyhow—I hope you all have happy days in your worlds today---

I’ll let ya know how it goes here.

Perhaps I will see a fishin fairy today??? That would do a lot for the attitude , dontcha think?

another delayed reaction post-

here is another post i have been putting off for a few days...

i was tagged by blur ting a few days ago-

to meme.. about motherhood tid bits.. kinda sorta.

so here it is-- finally.

The rule is once you have been hit, you have to hit 5 pretty Moms, including the one who thought of you today & sent it to you. The idea is that if you get hit again, You will know you are really pretty!

.

If you're hit, add your name at the bottom of the tagged persons list, and without bumping the person at the top or bumping anyone off and let the list grow. Hit 5 pretty moms on your list to let them know they are pretty!

=================================================

here's mine:

Before I was a mom, i didn‘t know that i could love so much.

Before I was a mom, i didn’t know that such a tiny person could make me hurt so much when they hurt.

Before I was a mom, i didn’t know that i could feel all powerful, yet all powerless at the same time.

Before I was a mom, i never cried out of happiness.

Before I was a mom, i never knew what a gift it was to have a child.

Before I was a mom, I never knew how important it would be to stand up, when i needed nothing more than to fall down.

chain of tags:

1. Lovelymummy2. Pek Imm3. Momisodes4. Ling that’s me5. Janicepa6. AnnieQ7. Allthingspurple8. Montessorimum9. clumsy mommy10. Sandra11. KittyCat12. VivianZ13. Sweetpea14. Sasha15. Giddy Tiger16. Wen17. Jo-N18. Janice Ng 19. Blur Ting, 20. JYankee, 21. Seagrape, 22. Wacky Mom, 23. Janice, and --Soul Survivor.. (blur did it, but tagged me.. but i will ad her too, but she doesn't have to do it again.. although y'all should read hers...it's really good.)

(these didn't, for some reason, come up as links..but you can go to blurs page and get the links if you want to read the others.)

I would like to tag the following beautiful moms :

angie,

crusty,

jyankee,

rebecca,

portia,

alright y'all , don't be fuddy duddys-- i did it, you have to too. k?

still wednesday---

looky what Rebecca over at Pixels From The Edge gave me

isn't that just sweet?

i thought so..i mean, i still do- of course;
but she gave it to me like two or three days ago...
right in the middle of my crybaby attack. so, i decided to wait
until i wasn't such a big baby to put it up.
so, there it is.

and i thank you Rebecca..

now-- i am to pass it along to three other bloggers
with big hearts--

those would be---

jaimie/simonsays... at everyone thinks i can fix it.
most of you who read here, read her page too,
and y'all just know that she has had the most pain filled year..both
physical and emotional, than anyone i have ever known,
or known of--- yet she has fought her way through it all,
and has always put herself last in line for everything.
she deserves much more than this award,
but for now, this is all i can give her.

next; will be summer at 107 Madison Street;
she's another one who struggles with pain, and other troubles,
but she is a friend and mother before worrying
about herself.

and lastly (i wish i could give out ten :(( -
i will give this one to "Motha" at The Real Mother Hen
because she is always ready to kick someones ass when they
get up in my kool aid
:))
and she invited me to singapore--even tho i can't go :((
and she always has a wing stretched out for me
and other peeps too

so--- there ya have it.

all my blog pals deserve this, and it's tough to pick just three.
remember tho-- three plus me-- already got it..

workin my way back to you---

is that a song? i think it is.. or part of one. but i have no idea. if it is, it's a old one.
but anyhow. that is what came to mind as i was sitting here thinking about what-- if anything to write. i'm still not real sure, so i guess you'll have to wing it with me as i go along.

we all know that a lot of people around blogland have been having some pretty tough things going on lately. some , not so cut and dry. it seems though, that now, many are coming to a head , and are on the way down. going up-- and not seeing the other side seemed to be the hardest for everybody.

anyhow... a lot of my own worries, and fears have been quieted some this passed few days. funny how long it took to get to such a point in my life, and how quickly to find answers to at least a starting point of beginning to change where i am.

part of that change?
(you know the first was going to arkansas)
then...yesterday----i did something a bit out of character for me. although it had been planned for a little while , part of me didn't really expect that it would pan out--- but it did.
and the funny thing about that, was she felt that it may not work out either.. so we marked our calanders, and it was a wait and see type thing. so anyhow, "JLEE" and I met for lunch. and we had a really good time. my biggest fear-- was to be too shy and unable to talk.. which happens a lot-- because i am usually not a talker. we have met in person before, but that was several months ago..like last summer-- when she gave me tickets to stevie nicks and we sat together at that concert-- but of course, we couldn't really talk over the noise there. but that was still a good time.
i also thought that because of what jamie and her family were dealing with yesterday might cause me to be unapproachable, or, that my "look" or attitude, be misread, as negative towards her. but we had no trouble at all finding things to talk about, and we both had a good time. and to be honest-- it was good for me, to not sit home alone and worry about what was happening in jamies day all day long. although , y'all know i was worried anyhow. (and if you haven't read over there.. her daughter made it through ok, and is fine.... as she can be).
JLEE and i actually came to realize that we have a lot more commonalities than we had realized before while just commenting online. and we plan to "do lunch" more often. we think it will be a good thing. we don't live all that far from each other, and really, it's silly not to spend some time together now and then. --- as long as i don't have to drive to dallas ! :)) we all know what a disaster that can be!

so. now what? not much for now i guess.
except that if my sister doesn't STOP telling me to get another dog i'm gonna drive out there and beat her up. :)) i do NOT want another dog. at all.

and i suppose that is about enough out of me for now.
today is yet another catch up day for me. i have let things go here again. the place is a mess. and we are out of everything again. i haven't been to the post office in days. and i can't remember which bills are due-- again. so, yep-- it'll be one of those kinda days. plus a cold one. well.. cold to ME. no 82 here today.

y'all stay warm.. and find something that makes you smile-- one of those heart smile kinda smiles. perhaps a "soul-smile"?

yes , i am home-- been here since sunday pm

hi all---

i would love to answer all of you individually over these last three or so posts-- but it would take me an entire day--- you know-- y'all deserve that time- but today-- i really have a lot to catch up on, and at the moment-- i am half blind and puffy eyed and fat fingered--and i just woke up a little while ago.
so, anyhow-- please don't be offended if i didn't answer you individually.

i do want to tell you all just how much i appreciate everything you have said to me these passed few days--- no matter how much, how little, how detailed, or how simple your comments have been-- every bit of it means the world to me.

it amazes me just how much y''all actually do care about me.
even my newer peeps..
maybe i am not as hard to understand as i feel. or maybe i am, and it's just not as hard to find my way back as i thought it was. i don't know.

i guess i just need to quit trying so hard to figure out the way things work, and why things happen, and just let the world spin as it should... realizing; it isn't gonna stop to let me off-- and it damn sure isn't gonna go any faster to throw me off. so i may as well just hold on, and let life happen. ya reckon?

so anyhow-- a couple have asked.. or wondered if i was back home-- yep-- i got here sunday. i left saturday morning, and only stayed the night out there. someday i would like to stay longer, but after all these years, it's always been only an overnight stay. someday i would like to go when it is warm.. and stay a few days, and fish, and explore out there in the woods, and not just sleep, write, and visit the cemetery.

there is a lot to see out there, a lot to explore and possibly find. there are real arrowheads in some of the creeks and mountains up there.. i just have never stayed long enough to explore much. and the weather seems to suck ass every time i go-- someday-- i'm going in the summertime. and it will be a good time.

anyhow--- i am STLL sore from driving out there. good lord. i need some kind a massage fairy in the worst way. i hurt in places i didn't know could hurt. boob muscles hurt-- from holding the steering wheel with a death grip-- cuz i haven't driven in so damn long-- not like that anyhow. i am used to driving about 60 miles a week.... not damn 350 miles in a day-- especially in a day.
but i won't complain... because really, it was worth it. i didn't say it made sense-- but it was worth it.

so. any of you snow queens want to know the temp in dallas yesterday? i'll tell ya anyhow-- it was a record high of only... 82 degrees ! woo hooo ... :)). i did get out-- but didn't get to fish. the wind was too sucky. and today they say we will pay for that high temp-- with bad storms.. which apparently is going to happen. as i woke at like 3.. something... to the sound of a loud crash of thunder. then several more.. after i got up. it's been a while since i've heard anymore--- i just hope we don't get hail-- or tornadoes. anything but that. not with my garage, once again FULL of crap-- and a new car that could be destroyed by hail damage. i would be sooo pissed. you don't even have to ask.

ok.. anyhow.. i am for some reason, suddenly extremely tired at the moment.. i think i may try to go back to bed-- well... sleep ..in my chair-- for a bit, til it's time to wake my child. which is only like half an hour.
so wish me luck on that,.

hope you all have good days.. i'll try...

(THIS is NOT sushi -- OR a NEW dog..
it was hijacked off the web...
no new dogs here-- not for a while)

just when you thought you were rid of me.. ha!

2-2-08

I’m not sure why I’m writing this now. I don’t know if I will post it. or if I do—when that will be.

But for whatever reason, I’m sitting here – blogging without the internet again. At least it isn’t with a damn pen and paper. That was a lot of work. But it was fun in a way. Nah.. it was just fun. Anyhow, this time, I’m writing on word on my computer—I just don’t have an internet connection where I am at the moment. But- in case you’re wondering, the moment is 8:07 pm… and I am somewhere that I normally would not be at this time. I’ll get back to this in a bit.

I’ve said before that if I don’t write—I might explode. I think that to be true – to an extent.

As I have already been writing for like almost two hours..and here I am..writing even more.

it doesn’t even matter what I write. It could be my “list”.. or my budget, that I rearrange and dabble with on a tri weekly basis—as if anything is actually going change in it. pennies from heaven perhaps?

I also write stupid little attempts at poetry ; sometimes I succeed… mostly I get four lines out - and into the shredder it goes. But anyhow—seems I’m always writing something.

Some people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.. I suppose I was born with a pen in mine. Maybe. So, I guess that is why I’m writing this.. because whether I post it—or delete it—or add it to my folder full of crap… it is written. Right?

So, anyways—I feel like I want to run down a list of everything that has been going on, in my life---and my mind—for the past several months. Just maybe to be more understood. But I won’t put anyone through that. Y’all know most of it anyhow. Enough to know that it’s just not the way I thought I would spend the last five months of my life.

It hasn’t all been bad stuff. Y’all know that. I am able to see the good in my life. And there is good in my life. I just seem to not know how to deal with it. the good, or the bad. or what to do with it. or whatever .

Holy hell--- that made absolutely no sense . but that is how it’s been with me for a few weeks lately. Or longer. Nothing at all seems to make any sense at all.

My thinking is way off kilter lately. My mind is slow. and it seems that everything I say—everything I do—or don’t do--- is just wrong. I feel so freakin out of control lately. Like I’m just walking through someone elses dream or something. Like I don’t know who I am. I really don’t think I do know who I am anymore. Well, that is , if I ever did know to begin with. I know parts of me. But other parts of me are gone. Dead. Lost. Different. Forgotten.

I don’t make sense to anyone.. not even to myself. I just can’t get it together.

I guess that sounds a bit mentally disturbed.. in a way, maybe it is—but not in the way that you may think—I mean.. I am not going insane or anything—I’m just a bit overwhelmed, and confused at the moment. Ya know? Maybe not. But I think I am beginning to. And perhaps that’s a start.

People I care about are going through terrible tragic things in their life. Things that no one should ever ever ever have to face in this lifetime. Things that will change who they are forever. It kills me to know this. And I do mean.. to know this. I can only pray that God will heal them and preserve their strength, and let them stay the wonderful people that they are. Then… at the same time--- as my heart breaks for them… as my old wounds are ripped open… I can only feel helpless and selfish. No matter what I try to say—it comes out wrong. Or not at all. Or I try to use myself as an example--- which makes it seem like I am making it about me… when that is not what I am doing at all. Not intentionally at least.

I wonder , how can this happen to someone I know. How can this happen to someone I love. I can’t handle it. I can’t handle the thought of what this is capable of doing to a person, a family. What it IS doing already to so many involved. And I hate that I can’t help.

Everything I said that would be thought and felt—and said—has been. It’s just cruel. And, Again, I find myself angry. I find myself angry at God ..again. and I haven’t been there in a long time. I’m just So damn angry that I can’t stand being in my own skin. Again.

So what do I do? I do/did just exactly what I said OTHER people would do. I became one of the people that said all the wrong things. Moments after I said that people would say stupid things that would be hurtful. Ugh. What an ass.

Ok, so anyhow—enough of that—

want to know where I am? Care to know where my soul searching has led me to this time?

This morning, as I found myself crying for about the tenth day in a row—and putting toothpaste in my hand, rather than my toothbrush.. for the second day in a row--- I decided, that I needed to get some stuff worked out. SOON.

I am not going to go into every single detail of my life over the past several weeks or months that brought me here. —some of you already know a lot of it.. a lot has not been mentioned, and doesn’t really need to be. But I will say this much. There is a place that I felt I needed to be that seems at times the only place in the world that makes me whole again when I feel empty. I am not able to go there very often, and, physically, it wasn’t easy to come this time. Actually, emotionally, not so much either.

But come I did.

Even though it worried a few people.. I am sorry for that. (the only people who knew I went were hubby , daughter and Jamie)—

God knows what goes through soulmans mind when I take off and come here alone without telling anyone, but I’ve done it before, and even though I always come home.. that is his only request – “just please come home”. I don’t know what he thinks might keep me from coming home, and I am afraid to ask—so I don’t. but that is all he ever says. “Just come home.”

So anyhow--- here’s the deal-

I am in Arkansas. This is where my son is buried, and a marker for my other son is placed beside him.

(my mother, brother, and many other relatives are buried here as well.) but , the reason I came is because I needed to clear some things up in my mind.

And my heart as well, I suppose.

I also decided that I wanted to bring some of my Midnights ashes to bury here with my boys. I saved some at home for the lake idea.. we will still do that.

So anyhow.. I’ll add more—when I know more…

As for now—it was a tough drive.. tearful, and painful..and y’all know me.. I got lost! For an hour—but I found it. same motel I’ve come to since I buried my son in 1989. I like it here.

I will see y’all soon

me

this is a creek that runs behind the motel
i stayed at
i fished a little in the morning, but it began to rain, so i left.
no fishies for me. only some rocks .
pretty though isn't it. the water is so clear!

these are some horses out on one of the dirt roads,

on the way to the cemetary.

pretty huh?

left to right--

my brother, my son patrick.. 10-88 to 3-89, jacob.. 1996.

and now, in front of jacob.. lies (part of) Midnight.

this isn't meant to make anybody sad... this was something i had to do.. and really, it helped me sort a lot of things out in my mind.

"ore vuas"

(late entry--- there's a sidenote in the comment box.. just so ya know)

Hi folks—

I don’t know what to write again. It seems posting is becoming quite a chore lately. I don’t like it when that happens. This isn’t the first time. It probably won’t be the last. It’s just that I am just out of stuff to say. Well, it seems that way til I start typing, then as usual, you can’t shut me up.

But, well, it’s not just here on the blog it seems. I don’t care much to talk in person..(not that there are many people I actually talk to anyhow).. I don’t even answer emails lately—much less write them.

I am at such a bittersweet time in my life right now- that I don’t even know how to explain it. I don’t know if I should even try. But y’all know I will. (try, at least).

I know that something has changed in me lately. I can’t pinpoint it exactly. But I feel like I am , if not there already—I am headed there fast—right back to where I was a few years ago. And that was not a good “place”.

I know that certain things have made me happy these past few months--- but I also know that other things have damn near devastated me. I’m back to fighting battles in my mind, I’m back to trying to be someone I used to be—even though I know that isn’t who I am anymore. or who i will ever be again. The person I am… is a person I don’t want to be. But I don’t know if I can stop it this time.

A year ago—I would have completely “got it’. a year ago—everything was as it had been for many years. But now—in the past several months—so much has changed. On the surface—and inside of me.. Spiritually, emotionally, I have felt stronger mentally even. I have met wonderful people on this blog. People that I truly care about.

Thing is---- I don’t know how much of it—or how much of anything matters much anymore.

It doesn’t seem to make a difference how much a person matters to me, how much I care about them, or how they feel or what they go through. I still don’t know how to be the person I want to be. The friend I want to be. Not even the wife or mother I want to be. need to be---should be.

I haven’t changed. I haven’t become some new person. I haven’t healed any old wounds. they still hang gaping, bleeding-- i only learned to hide them better.

I will never be who I once was—or should I say—the person I THOUGHT I once was.--I will never be who I want to be.. and I guess i have never been who I thought I was-- or was becoming in these pages here.

Maybe that’s why I deleted most of this blog. cuz it was all crap. Not lies. Just crap. Too damn much crap. Too much information. Too much information to be used against me.

“Soul”. Ya right. “soul survivor” even a bigger joke.

I’m still soulmange. I’ll always be soulmange.

A survivor doesn’t run. A survivor doesn’t hide from life. A survivor doesn’t risk everything they have in life…. Time and time again…. Looking for a way out.

I’m no survivor. I’m a prisoner. A jester. I am a woman with many masks..and I wear them well.

I hold my heart in my hand for all to see though. And that is my main problem.

I say the wrong thing… way too often.

i misunderstand people- and situations , way too often.

I do too much—or not enough—even more often.

If y’all haven’t noticed—I just don’t do people well. I don’t really hate people like I say I do. I just hate what people make me feel. I don’t know if that will ever change.

So—perhaps selfishly—I need to take a break from this blogging thing. I can’t stand the thought of hurting people that I care about. And Lord knows.. I can’t take being hurt anymore.

I hope this is just a thing… ya know. A thing that will pass… and I will get back on track . but I don’t know what will happen from here. Or how quickly or slowly.

But if I don’t fix what I’ve already messed up—there may be no turning back.

I hope you all get through the struggles you are facing now. I know some will take a long time. My heart is always with each of you.

(As for my little quote—in the upper right corner—

"The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the strength within you that survives all the hurt. "

(Author Unknown)

I suppose I haven’t got that far yet. i hope the rest of you have-- or will.

Take care of you and yours… you know I will try-

fair warning

i'm keepin my fingers to myself
and my mouth shut today.

i suppose i should post something.. but what?

hmmm...
i have nothing to say. does that surprise you?



kinda does me. i'm so friggin sick of whinin and cryin on here.


could it just be the winter blues? SAD? (seasonal affective disorder) i know i have that. i really do. i have never ever done well emotionally in the winter time. i must have sunshine to live. or at least to feel alive.

anyhow. does anybody know how many days--or perhaps even weeks, that i have been saying i need to go grocery shopping? i have lost count myself! well-- i still haven't been. which means... i really must go today. my family is gonna throw me on the grill if i don't get food in this place soon. like today.
even i am gettin sick of not having food here-- and lately food just doesn't thrill me much. i could take it or leave it. preferably leave it... but soulman won't let me.



so, anybody doin anything today .... i know the weather sucks just about every-damn-where. so i bet not much outside stuff will be goin on. i also know most of y'all are fightin off some sort of cold or flu. i spose that doesn't leave a lot, other than goin to work feelin like hell--- or well, doing other things you'd rather not do-- whilst feelin like hell.

i spose i will be shopping *CRINGE*,
hanging shit on my walls....
i may-- or may not, get this mop cut off my head
and if i get all that done.. i just might... yes MIGHT.. break out my guitar-- and see if i can still bust out some johnny cash.



i will get back to you on how my day progresses-- and y'all do the same-- ok?

i hope you all have happy days.. or try to--

a late meme (monday #2)--crap! i mean WEDNESDAY!

Interview Meme

a couple weeks ago, (i think)--I was tagged by water learner to do this interview meme:

*

1. At what age do you wish to marry? Well—little late for that—I’ve been married fifteen years—16 , if I make it to july! :))

2. If there is something you’d like to change about yourself (whether physically or emotionally), what will it be?

Well.. seein as I am not God—or his Wife—i spose I couldn’t heal my body—so, I spose I would just want to get over the fear of getting out of this house , and DO more fun stuff.

3. If you were to be stranded on a desert island, who are the 3 blog buddies you would take with you? Why?

*
JAMIE- cuz we NEED to get the hell away! And we can make each other laugh like nobody else!

*

MOTHA-- cuz motha is a damn crack up—who also laughs with us like a mental patient!

OLDY-- cuz if i didn't she would cry :))

ans, well- i know it's 4 but, he’s not a blog buddy—but oh man—we would HAVE to have GYPSYS fishin fairy—to feed us, and fan us, and well.. entertain us.. right?

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?

Ya know what I think would be really really the coolest? Would be a place that is warm… just anywhere warm.. like on a lake—and a huge cabin..a log cabin.. with trees, and grass… and have ALL my blog pals .. all of em.. and their families, and kids.. be there.. for like a weekend. And we could fish, and bbq..and talk , and eat.. and the drinkers could drink, and I just think that would be the coolest thing ever. I noticed most of us have almost the same people on our blogrolls, and it would be the best weekend ever to have us ALL be together and really get to know each other. Maybe that’s me.. but that’s what I would like.

*

5. water learners question: If there is one fear inside you that you hope to be able to face with gungho and conquer it, what would that be? My fear of babies . (if you don’t get it—don’t ask)

*

6. What's the best compliment you've ever received?

I don’t get many—it probably had something to do with something I did in the navy—I can almost be positive of that much.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most?

My family… someone close to me, and sushi

*

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?

Pay off bills, give a bunch a way, buy a house for cash, and save the rest.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?

I’m married, so … that kind of love is out—but if I meet a person I love as a friend.. I would let them know—and that is new for me—just so ya know.

*
10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.

I haven’t known water learner very long. But I know that she is kind, she cares about people, and she takes the time to get to know a person, before judging them.

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?

Hmmm… keep a job.. which he always has.. be a good dad—which he always has—share the load—be loyal and faithful to me and soulkid—which he has—so—I spose he passes J)

*

12. Which type of person do you hate the most?

People who say what they THINK you want to hear—people who say nothing at all-and people who pretend to listen when you know they don’t hear a damn thing you say. Oh and let’s not forget incompetent doctors! (ummm.. sooo, most people) :))

*

13. What is your ambition? Hmmm… I don’t think I have any right now. Maybe just to better myself. As a mom, wife, friend, sister. Human. not too much to ask is it?

*14. What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?

Being dishonest in a way that hurts someone. Or me.

*

15. Christmas is coming, who do you like to celebrate with?

Well, Christmas is GONE, so it’s a bit late for this one isn’t it.

*

16. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?

My family, peeps, and my animals.. and my photos—the rest can be replaced.

*

17. Are you a shopaholic or no? NO! y’alll know I HATE to shop!!!

*

18. Which actress or actors you would like to be?

I don’t want to be anyone but me. I can barely handle that!

19. It would be 2008 in a few days, do you have a new year’s resolution?

Hmmm.. it’s been 2008 for 30 days—my resolution..of sorts was to TRY to quit smoking—which I failed rather quickly at—but I didn’t try very hard at either. It’s my only pleasure in life. So screw it.

(does anyone want a box of cinnamon nic gum? It tastes like shit btw)

*

20. Do you have any plans for tomorrow?

Don’t think so—but I take the kid to the cute dentist today—does that count?

*

I am supposed to tag 8

But I won’t

So if ya want it—take it away, just let us know if ya do it

facing your past- or continuing to run

have you ever felt like you've been running from your past , and finally got caught?
well, better yet-- has the past you've been running from, ever actually caught up with you? grabbed hold, and forced you to look at it? maybe that's a better way to put it.


you know the old saying.. you can run, but you can't hide. right?
well.. i have hidden, and i have ran. i have built walls and cages, and worn blinders,. i have changed tv channels, avoided certain people , places, and things... for many many years. even knowing that it did no good for me -- or my family.

recently, the black cloaked ghost of my tumultuous past , has grabbed me from behind. as i struggle to face the demons that join it, i am both paralyzed , and fighting with all my strength to not be beaten this time. as easy as it would be, i cannot be defeated again; not now. not at the time i am beginning to find strength in who i am again.

is this another cryptic post? i'm sorry if it is. maybe for those who know me better than others, you may pick up on some of it. if you aren't gettin it, i apologize. i just don't want to get too much into what all is goin on.

basically i think it may be one of those-- one step forward -- two steps back, type things. lately. but, the difference i think, this time, is that, well, i don't feel that i will be left two steps back. i think i will find my way back up a step or two-- even if i need to fall back again. i'll eventually find my way where i am supposed to be. someday.

anyhow... i think i don't know what i'm saying right now-- or maybe at least quite how to say it.. so i better wait a while.

but i do think i have a question of the day--- again--- what do you do when the past stares you in the face--- and how can you use that to help someone else-- when you haven't quite dealt with it yourself???

i'm very tired - and i don't know why

damn i'm tired. i've done a lot today it seems, and of course i got up before the sun, as usual. but i am just exhausted. i haven't left the house yet--though i really need to. but i don't think i will make it. holy crap-- i could fall out right here payin bills. wth. i hate it when i get this way.

i hope i get a second wind soon. perhaps i should eat...but i know me, and that will only make it worse. good think i took some chicken out for dinner. just in case i don't make it out today-- i have the one saving grace of one last meal before i am burned at the stake by the soul clan for lack of home cookin.

i wish i knew wth was goin on here. i guess some days are just better than others.

oh well.. there is surely worse goin on -- or worse that could be goin on - right.

i hope you all are having good days--
i'm workin on it-
i think i shall go try and continue being somewhat productive-- but i am running out of gas rather quicky.

i shall be around later on.

happy tuesday peeps.

still monday

it was a cold and yukky day

they said it would be sixty--
they LIED!

the sun didn't shine at all today-
so i cleaned,
and i took a nap-
and just a little of this
and a little of that

and not much else to do now-
except get the hell out of this room
with x-box live blastin my ears off
with "call of duty 4 LIVE---
if you haven't seen or heard someone play this--
be very grateful---
and NEVER allow your husband to purchase one.


i threatened to shoot soulmans today-
but when he said he would sell it--
i of course felt guilty--
seein as i bought it for him for his birthday.

maybe i will just shoot it someday,
and i will say
hmmm.. wonder how that happened.

anyhow-- i gotta get away from this crap-