the next right thing

IT'S THE UGLY SOUL SHIRT !

bought on a whim... in october. which when i came to my senses a couple days later, i was gonna take back and exchange.. remember it? well guess what? i failed to mention, that while trying to find something to wear one day near christmas-- i saw it.. staring at me, unworn, still hanging in my closet. alone and forgotten.
is it really as ugly as i think it is? cuz it's too late to take it back now. i still find it hideous. who taught me how to shop, i wonder.







so anyhow-- i know i said i wasn't gonna post- i think i'll just-- take the pressure off and post if i feel like it. or if i have time. i really accomplished a lot of stuff that i just could not motivate to do, yesterday. i even fished - for a short while. didn't catch anything, but being outside was real nice. but lately-- like the last couple weeks, i waste litterally hours, sittin here trying to write. and that's not how i like to do things. if it comes it comes.. if not-- i aint gonna force it.
i really do need a break, but i need y'all too. so i'm in the middle somewhere. i reckon i'll just be around here and there... eventually i'll be caught up on my life, and my family, and maybe if i'm really lucky, i just might get interesting to read again .

this is our year y'all. so many of us struggled this passed year. really, most of us did. this is our year to regain control, and take our lives back. circumstances are hard to change, and lessons are hard to learn... but the outcome is ultimately up to us. we can't save anyone, we can't change anyone. we can only do the next right thing.
this year, in 2009-- i'm giving up the guilt. i'm giving up the responsibility of others feelings and actions. and i'm gonna stand at the helm again. i have been beat like a mule this passed several months, and nearly gave up. i did give up. but i won't stay in this pit forever. i'm stronger than this. i'm stronger than "circumstances". i'm stronger than woh i've become; letting people bully me. letting sadness take over my spirit. that shit's over...

i won't surrender to this. i can't let it destroy me...or my family any more.

today, i'm gettin of my ass and puttin christmas in a box-- again. and if christmas never comes again, it will be too soon. but lookin at it all just stare at me, makes it worse, and harder to motivate to get it outta here.

things that have happened to and with my family this past while have crippled me in many ways. but i will rise and walk again. i lost many battles this passed year-- but the war is not over yet... so i still have a chance. i also have a lot to stay in the fight for.

ya know what i want to do ? aside from the obvious that is.
some days i honestly think that i just want to sleep-- until i die. just xanax it up ya know. sleep-- wake up-- take pills -- sleep-- and let the cycle continue-- until whatever happens happen.
i know that living with people-- sleeping around the clock will eventually land ya in a hospital-- unless thay are totally neglectful-- and mine is not. but that thought does cross my mind. nice escape tactic eh? well... not really.

alcoholics anonymous says--
"we will not regret the past , nor wish to shut the door on it."

meaning we learn from our mistakes, then we move the hell on, and --do the next right thing.

i have felt that way before. i did accept my past, my now, and whatever came my way. just not this time. not for a long time. but if i had it before-- it has to still be there somewhere, right?
somewhere beneath or behind all the anger, and rage, and self pity . not to mention the guilt and self blame. i let some vortex of negativity eat me alive this past year. then my family for desert.

well, i've had enough. today, i am reclaiming my life. one priority at a time.

i need to wake each day and be glad that i woke up. one day, i won't.
i need to just do what i'm supposed to do, and the rest will fall into place. at least that's what i've heard.

so ayhow-- we get to see soulkid today-- for three whole hours, on a pass. i hope it will be good. we miss her. but we can't beat sobriety into her. she has to want it..she has to live it.. she has to grab on with both hands and learn everything all over again. we can support her, and love her, and be here for her. but her sobriety is her deal. i cannot be responsible for her using-- or staying clean. not anymore than anyone else is responsible for my sobriety.
i can drink anytime i want to-- i just don't want to. well-- i do. but i can't. not if i want a normal life, and a healthy daughter. so-- that's where i'm at today.

just doing the next right thing. whatever it is in front of me. whether it be dishes, takin the christmas shit down. visiting my daughter. staying sober -- one more day. or digging myself out
of these pits i find myself in. i can only do what i can do for me. anybody else-- they can do what they can do for them. but me playing God, well, it's just too much. and he doesn't need a wife-- so, my place is here. not in my head.. not in some far away "happy place", not curled up alone and hiding in bed. not drugging myself to sleep 18 hours a day.

so. i'm gonna get UP and pretend to be alive again. i'm gonna clean house, get some groceries, see my child, tell her i love her, and i'll just go from there.

crybaby alert

by the looks of all the comments from the previous post-- it seems that something was in the air yesterday in blogland. WTH?? all of blogworld had a crappy day in one way or another . tired and bitchy was the theme of the day.

i don't think mine ever did get any better-- i do hope things changed for at least some of y'all.

i know a lot of things are going on in many of y'alls worlds that would throw me into a funk myself;
so i do understand. so it kinda makes me feel like a crybaby-- as usual, when i whine about my crap here.

it gets to where i just don't even want to write anything. but then i feel bad when or if i don't. so then i just end up feelin bad all over. do i write and whine-- or not write and whine. crap.

some days lately haven't been so bad here lately. at least not until recently. i think the thing that hit me hardest was after i found out the tests were good, believed that i would be able to drive, then found out that i was wrong about that. and then--- getting sick, and hubby having to miss work. not to mention.. some soulkid troubles-- not "trouble" just the normal teenager crap--that i know i should handle differently-- ugh. some days though i swear-- that girl amazes me.. she's like a kid straight from heaven... then other days-- i just wonder if i can ever fix what i didn't do right up to now. i'm sure there are ways... but they can't be easy. it would be a whole new regimen, and transition. i'm talkin all the way to her wanting to eat like a three year old again. as in her own separate meal at dinner time.. i had thought i had fixed that crap! finally after years of fixing two separate dinners-- she now decides-- she can't or won't eat this or that. after she had been for weeks etc. wtf , is UP with that-- at this age? why now?

ok-- you know-- i'm just venting here-- not asking for advice-- or criticism. we were all 14 once. i remember being 14. admittedly-- i did alot more than pick at what i was served for dinner, and skip a chore or two. or even tell a fib or whatever. it's just that some of the things she's doing-- i did-- because it was self preservation on my part. she knows she isn't gonna get shipped off "somewhere", or get her ass kicked, or something ... yet she pulls the i'm gonna see how far i can go and still get what i want card. and i'm tellin ya -- it isn't gonna last much longer.

ok--- now that you know why i am awake at 4 30 a.m... again. seein as i had been sleepin til 530-6 for the passed several weeks. no she isn't the only reason. but yes , i have my mind full of crap yet again. seems every day or two another hour or two gets knocked off my sleep again.
in some ways it's alright. i sorta like having time in the morning to myself. i always have really. i like no tv, or talking, or anything like that. it's just weird that i had begun to set my alarm , in order to get at least a half hour of alone time in the morning and was even sleeping thru that, and now here i am ....up before the chickens again.

my damn back is in knots .. yep--still. goin on over a week straight. wtf. yes i know-- i bitch about my back all the time-- but this is stupid. soulman finally broke down in my agony last night and gave me a massage-- it saved my life. i was about to cry it hurt so damn bad. it helped, and i was able to at least get to sleep.
but what did i think about while he did it? all i could think was "this isnt gonna last very long, i hope it works".. and also-- i hate motherfuckin doctors....how in the hell can or why, do doctors allow people to be in pain?"
i hate them. i do.

someone breaks a leg and gets a million pain pills, that they take four of and flush the rest--- another person who hurts daily for half their life , gets called a drug seeker---and can't get more than motrin without being treated like shit. so much so they become afraid to even ask for a pain pill. yep i'm talkin about me. i'm just sick of it. i have been in excruciating pain, "reduced myself" to go to the dr for meds.. finally get the nerve to go, and ask.. and leave in tears... after the lecture of chronic pain and narcotics, and all that crap. or other dumb shit. go to pt, go to a pain clinic. well, i went to a pain clinic.. he called me a drug seeker and told me to see a shrink, and take anti d's.. HEL_-LO--- hey asshole-- i JUST told you i have seen a shrink , And been on anti depressants for 12 years.. wtf difference is YOURS shrink gonna make with MY pain??
needless to say-- i left with nothing and never went back. if "counseling" hasn"t helped my pain or depression after 12 years--why the hell would it start NOW>?

see y'all i told ya i was a bitch.

and i tell ya what else. this no drivers license crap is killin me. i was thinkin last night-- ok.. i could drive around here-- wally hell is down the street, the pond is close, some other things i do are pretty close-- no highways involved etc....
BUT then-- i realized.. son of a bitch.. if i DO get stopped or get in a wreck--- that's another entire frickin YEAR without a license for driving on a suspended... isn't it????

and hubby cannot.. just can't-- keep taking time off-- to cart me around--and take me to dr's all the damn time. so what the hell am i supposed to do???

this is all catchin up with me .. fast.

and yesterday-- man i tell ya... i felt like i had been liftin weights. my arms and shoulders and chest-- from the heaving so bad--- good lawd. it took me a minute to figure out why i was so sore-- then it hit me... it was the pukin my heart out. UGH.

and dare i add--- my kitchen is a shithole once again. how it got this bad -- this fast-- is beyond me... but it looks like a friggin bomb went off in there-- well.. it did. i did everything except wash the dishes.. so it only looks like a bomb went off on the counter now. but geesh.

oh, and before anyone -- if anyone catches it and tells me-- i just now caught it myself-- the dropping the wellbutrin suddenly could quite possibly be causing some of the bitchiness etc. lethargy.. even a bit of depression... sudden med changes can always mess your head.

also the new dog-- she's a good dog..but apparently spent more time out in a kennel than in a house-- so we had one more accident yesterday-- only pee this time-- PHEW. but still-- no, i didn't expect it. i too thought we were getin a trained dog. it is a trained dog-- but apparently "house trained" wasn't part of the deal. it's trained for shutzhund and stuff.. not knockin on the door :))

she has btw, met the cats-- she doesnt care too much about them..they are afraid of her and hide most the time.
sushi is lightening up-- but still lets her know whos house and people this is. sushi is a bitch. and its funny to watch eevee back away from a min pin.
eevee is a belgian melenois-- not a shepherd. she's smaller-- but i still wouldn't wanna piss her off.

anyhow.. there's my crybaby attack for today-- perhaps something will lighten my mood today. i hope so.

what are y'all doin today?

jitterbug is camouflaged into my rug ! and almost as large too! :)) you'd think i'd be used to seeing her blend into the carpet by now, but i'm not-- it cracks me up every time. camo - kitty.

anyhow-- i don't have a thing to say right now. i'm runnin on about four hours sleep--and about the same amount of time worth of paying bills. i'm starvin as usual.. and i have to go face mall-hell... and we are gonna go see no country for old men. i just may take a nap there. it's hubbys' pick.. and i'm not real sure about it. it may be good, i hope it is.. but if not-- i don't mind sleepin-- we all know that's true right. but not before my nachos! :))

jamie put the purse bug in my ear-- so i may look for one-- or not. depends on if i feel like walkin...and i really should-- seein as i've been on my arse for a whole week. and aside from that soulkid has a birthday comin up-- the 9th-- so i may look for something for her while we're there. she's hookin up with a friend... a BOY. great-- a new boy even.. a new boy-- with staples in his damn face! ok.. not staples-- "snake-bites. even better. NOT. ugh. if you have boys-- be grateful. girls are so difficult.

anyhow-- i will catch up with y'all latah... if i live through the mall and boy excursion.

monday again - i know that excites you all

once again i got nuthin.
i think i burnt myself out just answering comments below.

i did realize though, that part of yesterdays oddness.. was that i had posted that i woke up at five a.m.-- but when i made a second trip around thru some blogs-- i noticed i posted on one page at like 4:01 a.m. i was really quite out of it. even more than i thought.
apparently though, it got better throughout the day. i have no clue why i felt the way i did, but it seemed that several others had the same "off" feeling early in the morning. i do wonder what that was all about. or if there was any kind of "connection" , ya know. i don't usually believe in that supernatural hoopla--- but really , there have been times that i have felt the need to call or check on someone.. and it turned out that something was going on with them. that is really strange, i think. but so far-- i haven't heard that anyone who admitted to having "that feeling" yesterday.. had anything really significant happen. yet.

anyways. i don't have anything great to report here. any updates on the mall hell journey are in the below comments-- as are the soul-hub tourney results.

and other than those two events of the day-- nothing else happened here in soul land yesterday.

i am almost finished with my book. i would have finished it.. but didn't devote as much time as i would have like to to it. i have about two hours left on it.
gotta admit-- it keeps your attention-- most of the time-- but i don't think i would recommend it. (way too "floaty") know what i mean? one of those ones that talks in one year-- then in the next paragraph your twenty years ahead-- then back to where you were in a few minutes. my attention span has a tough time with books like that.
but anyhow-- i'll be done with it today.
and yes-- i'm sure you noticed-- i didn't exaggerate when i said i was a slow reader. :((
most people i know can read an entire book in one afternoon. i think i may have done that once-- or twice. in my whole life. flowers in the attic by VC andrews was one of em.

ok.. guess i'm done for now.

too early thursday drivel (is drivel even the word i want?)

mornin peeps.

what a week eh? seems everyone, or most everyone, has had a hell of a time around here lately. i haven't been much for words, but have managed to read a bit the last day or two-- and it doesn't look too bright out there.
sick parents, sick kids, sick peeps... sad peeps, delayed plans, broken hearts. life can suck can't it?
i hope things change for y'all soon. for the better of course.

things here are easing up a little. not having midnight is .. well, i don't even know if there is a word for it. there are a lot of feelings though. i have even called sushi , Midnight, several times. that is pretty messed up. a dog the size of midnights head-- weird .

anyhow... i did manage to get out yesterday. took care of some things i really needed to do, a couple things i wanted to do, and neglected-- of course a couple things i should have done. i thought i might get to those today-- but oh hell no-- it is too friggin cold for me to leave the house today-- so i think i will catch up on my neglected house today. which, as usual, is mainly the damn kitchen. kitchens just piss me off. especially when i'm pissed off to begin with.
i don't think pissed off is the word tho. not for today. i'd just rather be able to go fishin. or something.

yesterday i drove by the creek that i used to fish at a lot. i saw a guy catch a trout. that was pretty cool. but it was too cold for me to fish. i would love to catch some trout though. i haven't caught a trout in several years. if i got some trout.. there would be no catch and release-- there would be a fish fry! :))

welp-- i spose i shall get this party started round here.
i woke up at like 3 a.m so i'm pretty sure today will require a nap--- :))
i usually don't like to sleep during the day much anymore-- i feel like i'm wasting time. even though it used to be my favorite thing to do... but anyhow-- i think lately-- i kinda like it again.
keeps my mind from spinning. i really need to go fishing. :((