i'm retahded, and so is bloggah

blogger has been draggin it's ass all friggin day . and i'm sick of it. soo , on top of all my other bitches and moans... i shall go to bed now. i have no patience to wait for pages to load . etc etc etc.

however... i did, watch the dvd "300" with hubby tonight. some spartan, barbarian, blood and gore type thing type movie. i expected it to be quite horrible.... as in just plain flat out a bad movie... well, it wasn't so bad after all. as a gal... i'll give it five. enough to hold my attention, but nothing i would watch on my own, ya know. hubby seemed to enjoy it. all the blood and guts and heads flyin etc. it's definitely a guys movie. but not terrible. (lotsa six packs .....if ya know what i mean)

so anyhow... yep... this day has taken just about as much of my , well, my, ummmm.... awakeness? time? effort? energy? that i am going to allow it to have. my bed awaits. and the laptop is not invited.

goodnight , sweet dreams, aloha, via con dios, arriva derci, adios, buenos noches, toodles, ttfn, ttyl, c ya, manyana, latah gatah, chow, and all the other ones that i either can't think of, remember, or don't know.

well, i survived, barely (Thursday PT. 2)

hello peeps.

well, obviously, i made it home from dallas. i'm wondering now if i should begin to call dallas EAST HELL . and NM WEST HELL.

good Lord, i hate that place. it's not really dallas that i hate, it's the getting there that i hate. the driving, the traffic, the idiot drivers; that kinda thing. i have to take three or four different highways to get there. even being a passenger drives me crazy over there. maybe even more so, cuz i have NO control. i use the passenger brake, and the oh shit bar quite often on the passenger side of any vehicle. ugh.

but, anways. for once. literally, the very first time since we first moved here in like hell i don't know 2000 or so... i made it to the dallas VA, without getting lost. i was amazed. but... i did NOT make it without my usual panic / anxiety attack. which was quite significant. i really could have done without that part. yes . that would have made everything much better. because, this little problem, contributed to a few other things after i got there.

like...say, finding a parking spot. you'd think that part should be like the easiest, right? hmmm. well, not when ya can't think! first... i missed the parking lot i was sposed to park in entirely. so i had to drive around the whole friggin hospital to get back to it. which only made me feel stupid, and piss me off. and make me feel worse. but... i found a spot, and it oddly, or luckily, or whatever, wasn't a million miles away from the entrance like it usually is. only HALF a million miles.

sooo... i park, and i set my giant ass cup of coffee on my passenger floor... while i gather all my records and crap i will need to bring in with me. no problem, right? WRONG. i AM me.. after all. remember? ya. so... i drop some folder... it falls to the floor, knocks over the freakin half full 32 ounce cup... and over it goes and spills entirely onto my light grey carpet ! no floor mat.. my car carpet !! not a damn thing i can do.. i have like ten minutes to get to my appointment..and it was gonna take me that long to get into the damn building. so now... the coffee is dry... awaiting me to go out into the 100 degree temp to do "something" not sure what... about it. ERG!
my anxiety is getting worse by the damn second at this point. first the mere THOUGHT of having to go there.. then the damn traffic..and my never ending fear of getting lost, and being late, now i am close to being late AND have ruined my freakin car even FURTHER than the fuckin flood already did. all this and i am already thinking of the damn ride HOME!
AND what they were going to put me through. yep, every womans' favorite thing. NOT!


sooo... i get my crap...and i haul my ass the two or three football field lengths into the hospital. my back is already in knots, my damn head hurts, my hands and innards are all shaky, all that fun shit. i find where i'm sposed to go.. two places actually...one for paperwork, then the GYN clinic.

i already did NOT want to go there...... but here's a little tid-bit that did not even cross my mind that i would have to face today. especially smack in the middle of a damn anxiety attack. my pregnancy/childbirth history !! i hadn't prepared myself for those questions... or the way to answer them. or handle them. i managed to get through it with the nurse alright. got a bit more nervous and shakey, maybe choked up..but i got it out ok. BUT then...ten minutes later...if that... i get called into the dr's office...and that is what she decides to BEGIN with. i still hadn't even caught my breath from everything else the morning had brought my way yet. my GAWD.

so she starts in with all these freakin questions...and of course she wants details that the nurse didn't./.. which is probably why it was easier with the nurse. but oh maaan. i broke down and bawled like a baby... or a crazy lady... not sure which she may have thought. but she seemed understanding enough, gave me a few minutes to regain what little composure i had... and continued... on to a different subject...i guess she had enough info on that.

after that... it was just the humiliation part to get passed..then i got the fuck out of there.
and would you believe .... i made it all the way TO and FROM dallas... with not one problem on the road... BUT i got my ass LOST INSIDE the damn hospital ! yep.. i couldn't remember which door i came in. i walked around for ten minutes trying to get out of there. STILL in a freakin state of damn anxiety... and not a single xanax in my possession.

some days i just hate to be ME.

just to say good mornin , good mornin, good mornin, TO YOU

i'm off to do SO MANY of my favorite things!
such as
drive to DALLAS
GO to VA
for a GYN appt no less... OMG !!!
also a comp & pen appt..which may or may not be a good thing
then drive BACK through Dallas
then my daughter... while i am sure i will be ready to fall on my face...wants to go to the library...and get some much needed food in this place.

does anyone want to trade places for the day????
awww c'mon

i shall return... if i don't have some major panic attack on one of the major highways i must travel...or get lost forever...or road rage and kill someone...or...something else that i shouldn't or would hope not to do.

ok i'm already late...gotta go

Look What The Cat Dragged IN

y'all made me do it !!!! :))

The Sounds Of Silence:

By Simon And Garfunkle

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.
In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dare
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said i, you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, the words of the prophets

Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whispered in the sounds of silence.

somebody talk to me

i'm - dyin -a - boredom - heah
y'all are gonna force me to post somethin really stupid.
like a really shitty song or somethin.
i know ya don't want me to do that, do ya?

i can't believe how freakin boring i am lately

i have absolutely nothing to say. about anything. see what happens when you don't have a kid. everything just falls flat. all i've talked about for a week is fishing, and missing my kid...and these dumb ass surveys that really only kill time and make you analyze yourself. hmm could this really be the way i am?? oh, i doubt it. even tho some do come close. but so does astrology and that type of stuff, but i don't live my life by that either.

hmmmmm....
what to say, what to say. i am blog dead.
i lead quite the boring life. at least lately. aside from fishing. i have fished a lot, and even caught some. a couple nice ones too. some not so nice. but a couple. it really is gettin a bit too hot to fish much lately though. man is it ever gettin HOT! over 100 now the last couple days...and 100 here is like 110 in a "dry heat". whatever.

so. i guess i really don't have anything to say. maybe i shall find some stupid meme or some other conversation generating thing to hijack from somewhere. i just don't know.

She's Home !

I got my baby back baby back baby back ribs ! I mean i got my baby back HOME. yep. she's home, and safe. and happy to be here. and i, needless to say, am happy to have her. we're both exhausted now though. her, because she stayed up all night with her cousin last night, and me, cuz i woke up early this morning, then the exhausting nerve wracking drive to and from the airport...not to mention a big lunch. i see a nap in the near future...for both of us. what a relief to have my girl back home. gramma misses her already though. i knew she would, she never has done goodbyes very well. they had a good visit though.
anyhow... will c yall latah
have good days.

it's almost time to go get my girl!!! woo hoo!

yep..less than an hour, and i leave for the airport. i'm not looking forward to driving through dallas... but i can't wait to see my kiddo !! i sure have missed her. i hope i don't get lost! you know me and driving don't go well together...especially in dallas. i'm nervous...but , i have two maps...so i should be fine. gonna give myself some extra time though, just in case. and i have two different routes...just in case there's an accident or bad traffic. i sure don't want to be late.

anyhow. not much else to report right now.

will write more later on.

c yaaaaa

did i mention i went fishing again today? (monday #4)

well i did. nothin to brag about.. but it was from the creek. that is a good thing.

The Kid"S Got Plans!! (This is a reply to an email i sent my girl)

i love you toooooo.
its okayyyy.

and if you think you miss me too much by wanting to call every hour...
imagine how much i miss YOU by having an anxiety attack.

jitterbug looks like she has down syndrome
:]

and so do you in the picture with sushi
hahahah
:]

so does spot....
our animals are just retarted
:]


are you taking good care of sushiiiiii
:]

i miss sushi
a whole bunchhhhh

she is going to be happy to see me
:D

when i get home
im going to make dad go to pei wei
and get
two orders of 8 crap wontons :]]]]
and my honey chicken
and your coconut curry or whatever
and then im gonna make sushi a little plate
and shes gonna have a wonton
and a peice of chicken
and a tiny bit of riceeee
in a wittle bowl :]
and im gonna cut up her chicken and wonton:]]]
and then
me and you and dad are gonn go to walgreens
to get all kinds of snack food and candy :]
and me and sushi are gonna make a tent
and watch scary movies
because shes my best fwend
:]

and i can tell her anything i want
because she CANT tell anyone :DDD

i love that stupid dog so muchhhhhhhhh
:]]]]

and my new magazine comes out on the day i get back
:DDD
yayyyy

and i dont care what you say :]
im going to force you and daddy to buy me pei wei and snacks and candy and blockbuster and my magazine:]
or i will tackle you
and cut off dads human blanky priveleges
:]]

it will be fun


i love sushi & middnugget
i love our dumbbutt catsssss
and i love you and daddy :]

and make sure sushi doesnt get to sad
and stop eating
:]


sf,skgfjsdlgkjdsg
:]
iloveyouuuuu guys!

while i cruise blogland, and eat, here's somethin to look at..not a fairy :((

I MISS MY BABY !!!

hi all.
well, y'all know my daughter has gone to visit her gramma (hubbys mom) in NM recently. it's her first time away from home for any length of time. well, she actually attempted it one time before, also to her grammas, same one... she was maybe hmmm 8 or 9 ish.... it was to be only five days that time. she lasted three. i drove her out there, and planned to pick her up. well... she was to stay longer than she did, but she didn't make it...i was back...on a plane, cuz my back couldn't handle driving that much that soon... in three days. ugh boy. but, she was much younger, we understood. i stayed a few extra days and made a visit of my own, and all was fine.

well anyhow, this morning, i woke up at like 530... the dogs wanted out...that's always fun... panting, whining dogs at zero dark thirty. not. so i got up , let them out, got coffee goin, all that good first morning routine stuff. as soon as i sat down..i do mean as SOON as i sat down... my phone went off. it sounded like my alarm, so my first thought was , hmm hubby musta set the alarm to go fishin, cuz we had talked about going fishing early , last night. so i look at it, at it was a text msg from my daughter!

"mom, please be up...i'm sick, i can't breath, if you're up call me. please say you're up. i love you."

OMG! she's twelve hours away from me...it was like 430 am there...i knew her gramma and uncle were sleeping. so she's there all "alone" feeling like this. so, obviously, i call her on her cell right away. the poor baby (13, but MY baby) is crying, and hyperventilating, and the relief in her voice in hearing my voice was intense. a deflating balloon, and even more tears, and more hyperventilating. it broke my heart!!! i tried my best to calm her down. i tried to get her to go wake up her gramma but she was afraid she would get mad at her...even though i insisted and KNEW that she would not. she just isn't like that. she wouldn't wake up her uncle either. by now , hubby has heard me on the phone in my own "panic"...and he got up. it was horrible. she is so far away, having a full blown panic attack, and there was nothing i could do !!!

it took at least thirty minutes to get her breathing slowed down. she was still crying, but she could breathe. she was still too afraid to wake up anyone, or even to just go crawl into bed with gramma... by now, i had exhausted everything i knew how to say... so i offered the phone to hubby...he talked to her only for a moment, then i guess his mom woke up, hearing the girl crying etc on the phone, so he ended up talking to her for a while first. so i feel better knowing that she is aware of how my girl is feeling, and they were going to go lay down together. then he talked to our girl, and we will obviously be getting arrangements made to get her home sooner than planned. probably tuesday. the tenth was too long, and we all knew it. but i had no idea it would end with a panic attack...at least not on a thirteen year olds part. geesh. what a way to start my day.

y'all say a prayer for my baby to be ok. she really worries about too much for her age. she worries a lot about me and my health. she worries about her dad...she of course worries about her pets....because we had the one get run over last year... worry worry worry. all that, on top of being plane ole homesick? yep, it's time to bring her on home.

well... on that "happy" note... i think we just may go fish a little and try to ease some stress til we can actually get something about this done.

y'all have good days!

THEY"RE ALIVE !!!!!!

i am a creature of habit. i know i said i wasn't gonna fish at the creek for a while... but i just can't help myself. SO.. that is where i went this morning. and guess what.... i got one. a niiiice one. and only one. but that is fine by me. at least now i know they are still there and still alive! i was soooo happy. hot, and kinda lopsided, by the time i got him... but i was happy to see his big ole mouth!
anyhow.. i was soooo ready to leave , for a long time before i got him. i kept tellin myself...one more cast, one more cast...different color bait... etc.... but finally on about my tenth.. "one more cast"... i got him!
i definitely need a better camera. my daughters has a timer on it...which would be better for me...than holding up big ole fish that don't even fit in the lens... but for now...this will have to do...
LOOK !!!

My Candy Bar Taste Test (friday pt 2)

well, last night i was having a candy bar craving. i decided i wanted a skor. but, i wanted a BIG one. well hubby went in to get it...when he came out, he said they didn't have the big ones so he got one of each.. a heath and a skor. so i said, kool, now i can decide which one i like best. i already had an idea that i liked the skor better. but now came the true test. so... i always save the "best" for last...so i ate the heath first. and actually, it did taste somewhat bland, in comparison to the skor as i remembered it tasting. not as sweet, not as ...well, just not as good. skor tastes a lot more like almond roca...just less nutty. you can taste the butter better in the skor. so... i didn't really like the heath so much...not while comparing it, and knowing that i had a skor sittin there waiting for me.
soooo... i finish the heath bar... and a couple minutes later...i rip into the skor bar. winner, hands down. no wonder they named it SKOR! that is some yummy stuff. the only thing i didn't like in the difference of the two is that skor is a bit more sticky or chewy...harder to get out of your teeth.l..especially if you have a cold drink with it.
but as for taste...
it's SKOR...hands down!!!!
and that's what i have to say about that.
now, i must get busy. lest i never get up from this chair. and that is sooo easy to do sometimes.

Same fish different day

it's all in the presentation. see how just the way ya hold a fish can make it look bigger? is that not cool? he really was kinda short and fat, but the other pic made him look long and kinda skinny...either way...he was a niiice fish. i wish we woulda had the scales!

anyhow... i have to do my crap O' the day... i shall return.

oh btw..you can click these pics to see better...the fish looks even bigger in the enlarged pix. :))

i've been adjusted !!!

takin someones advice and going to adjust my attitude :))

so far, today hasn't been too bad. i must admit i can't force myself away from this doctor resentment though. it's not just the one i had the tag thing with yesterday. that just dug it all up. so i am just stewing in a pot of memories and incidents of the past twelve years of crappy dr's. sso few that could be considered even somewhat good at what they are trained for. ugh.

so anyhow... y'all don't need to hear that..it just helps me to spew sometimes.

i did accomplish some things today...which is good. cleaned my kitchen, did my dishes, laundry, bedroom, livin room, and cooked a good dinner...again. didn't manage to get my calls and stuff done. i don't know why it's so hard for me to pick up the damn phone. i have put off these phone calls for a month...and they are pretty darn important. hmmmm. phone-o-phobia?

anyways... on to the attitude adjustment... i almost forgot all about that part. my senile! i'm gonna go fishin at the pond with hubby in a few minutes. also gonna get a candy bar on the way. i have been craving a candy bar since last night. PMS does that to me. usually i don't eat much sweet stuff. but i want chocolate!

soooo what are y'all doin today-tonight? anything good or bad happen to anyone? anything extremely wonderful that you just must blab about???
tell me about your day...

i hope y'all are having good days/nights

more random shit about me... a meme if you will :)

I know ~ enough to get by

I believe ~ in GOD

I fought ~ too damn hard to get where I am

I am angered ~ by doctors and government systems almost equally

I love ~ my God, my family, my pets, and the people I consider my friends.

I need ~ to get the hell out of debt and stay that way, and a bit more patience in life

I take ~ way too much shit from people, before I speak up.

I hear ~ very poorly

I drink ~ too much coffee and tea

I hate ~ having to see doctors that don’t know…or do shit.

I use ~ hmmmm. The coffee pot first thing every morning

I want ~ a knowledgeable, understanding freakin doctor.. but I don’t think any exist

I decided ~ that today is not a good day to quit smoking…I’m entirely too bitchy

I like ~ my blog pals!... and fishing!

I am ~ a bit of a prude…and a bitch

I feel ~ pretty crappy lately.

I left ~ a lot of people and places behind in my life

I do ~ more than I should. sometimes.

I hope ~ this crap will get better someday

I dream ~ of peace in my life...physical, and emotional..for me and my family.

I drive ~in a state of confusion.

I listen ~ intently ... most of the time...when i can hear.

I type ~ better than i write!

I think ~ entirely too much for my own damn good!

I wish ~ things would smooth out, and just be normal and right for a change.

I compensate ~ for for just about everything with sarcasm , when i can

I regret ~ too much.

I care ~ too much.

I should ~ definitely learn moderation. in everything. money, food, smoking, all of it.

I am not always ~ "with it".

I said ~ more than I needed to. cuz i just cannot shut up!

I wonder ~ about everything.

I changed ~ a lot in the passed ten years. and not so much for the better

I cry ~ less than i used to..

I am ~ a bitch, but i hide it well most of the time.

I am not ~ as assertive as i wish i could be.

I lose ~at most battles i get in.

I leave ~ before i get left...usually.

here are my dogs..... again....see why i missed them?