well, i survived, barely (Thursday PT. 2)

hello peeps.

well, obviously, i made it home from dallas. i'm wondering now if i should begin to call dallas EAST HELL . and NM WEST HELL.

good Lord, i hate that place. it's not really dallas that i hate, it's the getting there that i hate. the driving, the traffic, the idiot drivers; that kinda thing. i have to take three or four different highways to get there. even being a passenger drives me crazy over there. maybe even more so, cuz i have NO control. i use the passenger brake, and the oh shit bar quite often on the passenger side of any vehicle. ugh.

but, anways. for once. literally, the very first time since we first moved here in like hell i don't know 2000 or so... i made it to the dallas VA, without getting lost. i was amazed. but... i did NOT make it without my usual panic / anxiety attack. which was quite significant. i really could have done without that part. yes . that would have made everything much better. because, this little problem, contributed to a few other things after i got there.

like...say, finding a parking spot. you'd think that part should be like the easiest, right? hmmm. well, not when ya can't think! first... i missed the parking lot i was sposed to park in entirely. so i had to drive around the whole friggin hospital to get back to it. which only made me feel stupid, and piss me off. and make me feel worse. but... i found a spot, and it oddly, or luckily, or whatever, wasn't a million miles away from the entrance like it usually is. only HALF a million miles.

sooo... i park, and i set my giant ass cup of coffee on my passenger floor... while i gather all my records and crap i will need to bring in with me. no problem, right? WRONG. i AM me.. after all. remember? ya. so... i drop some folder... it falls to the floor, knocks over the freakin half full 32 ounce cup... and over it goes and spills entirely onto my light grey carpet ! no floor mat.. my car carpet !! not a damn thing i can do.. i have like ten minutes to get to my appointment..and it was gonna take me that long to get into the damn building. so now... the coffee is dry... awaiting me to go out into the 100 degree temp to do "something" not sure what... about it. ERG!
my anxiety is getting worse by the damn second at this point. first the mere THOUGHT of having to go there.. then the damn traffic..and my never ending fear of getting lost, and being late, now i am close to being late AND have ruined my freakin car even FURTHER than the fuckin flood already did. all this and i am already thinking of the damn ride HOME!
AND what they were going to put me through. yep, every womans' favorite thing. NOT!


sooo... i get my crap...and i haul my ass the two or three football field lengths into the hospital. my back is already in knots, my damn head hurts, my hands and innards are all shaky, all that fun shit. i find where i'm sposed to go.. two places actually...one for paperwork, then the GYN clinic.

i already did NOT want to go there...... but here's a little tid-bit that did not even cross my mind that i would have to face today. especially smack in the middle of a damn anxiety attack. my pregnancy/childbirth history !! i hadn't prepared myself for those questions... or the way to answer them. or handle them. i managed to get through it with the nurse alright. got a bit more nervous and shakey, maybe choked up..but i got it out ok. BUT then...ten minutes later...if that... i get called into the dr's office...and that is what she decides to BEGIN with. i still hadn't even caught my breath from everything else the morning had brought my way yet. my GAWD.

so she starts in with all these freakin questions...and of course she wants details that the nurse didn't./.. which is probably why it was easier with the nurse. but oh maaan. i broke down and bawled like a baby... or a crazy lady... not sure which she may have thought. but she seemed understanding enough, gave me a few minutes to regain what little composure i had... and continued... on to a different subject...i guess she had enough info on that.

after that... it was just the humiliation part to get passed..then i got the fuck out of there.
and would you believe .... i made it all the way TO and FROM dallas... with not one problem on the road... BUT i got my ass LOST INSIDE the damn hospital ! yep.. i couldn't remember which door i came in. i walked around for ten minutes trying to get out of there. STILL in a freakin state of damn anxiety... and not a single xanax in my possession.

some days i just hate to be ME.