what to do- what to do?

hiya peeps-

what's goinin on?

here?
well, i have a list of to do's as long as my arm... BUT-- you saw that comin didn't ya?
yeh, i thought ya might. well, i do. my list has been growing and growing lately. as you might have figured out by now. i'm surprised i'm not molding-- like the sloth that i am.
good lawd i have been so severely lazy. there's just no other word for it, unfortunately, and honestly-- i've run out of excuses.

i have to come clean here-- yes. i have periods of relief from the pain. it may not be long periods-- but i could damn sure find the strength to clean the kitchen-- which i have not done in a week-- actually longer-- hubby does it-- but he has been busy-- so the dishes haven't been washed in maybe 5 days. wait a minute-- y'all know , we've gone out to eat several times-- it's not as bad as you would think-- but yes-- it's bad-- it NEEDS to be done. and I should do it -- TODAY.
will i? i don't even know the answer to that. but i know that i should. and i know that if i don't i oughtta just be horsewhipped!

i do the basic picking up of things- i mean we aren't living in hell or anything.. BUT-- i haven't been upstairs-- yes-- that is because of my legs-- but God knows what it looks like up there. all i know is when sushi comes in from outside-- or comes out of her crate-- or whatever-- she RUNS up those stairs like there's a fire down here-- i do not know what's up there that she is in such a hurry to get to. and honestly? i don't want to know. my guess? FOOD. scary-- nasty- rotten food. eeewwweeee.

back me up on this people-- when we bought this house-- both of them promised me-- i would have no need to go up there-- they knew it was a problem for me to use the stairs-- and they would keep it clean and nice . remember that?
it aint happening. and it's pissin me off.

oh-- wanna know what else? this really chapped my hide. again, this is a cuz we're us thing--- again. oh man. y'all know how i am with my money phobia right-- or lack of-- fear of lack of -- whichever. well, i have recently-- finally, been able to stash a little cash in savings. finally i can breathe. right? wrong. yesterday, stez tells me -- he soooo didn't want to. but , i have been wondering and wondering, why the check he used for the down payment on the 'new' truck hadn't cleared yet-- well, i think we found out why. he tells me the truck place called him, and there was a problem. that is not my favorite word. 'chillax' is my favorite word. that word (problem) did not make me chillax)-- it made me panic. come to find out-- when he was doing the financing on the new truck-- the old truck place-- gave him the wrong pay-off amount. meaning---- we NOW have to come up with almost 600.00. yes. now.
know what that means? after i stole the 300.00 for my medical procedure-- and now the 600-- for the truck.... we have nuthing left in my stash.
woo-fuckin-hoo !!!!
save a nickel - spend a dime.
always.
what do i have to do to save a little money around here? it just never happens. i try , and i try, and i try. and somethin always comes up that i need to steal it back.
ugh. i could barf.
now it's gonna take me two hours to figure out if i had that money in the budget for stez's florida trip. cuz of course i don't remember. if i did-- i think he's a bit screwed.
and if i didn't-- well, i'm still pissed at having to use it. it felt good to finally save some money.

i need an accountant. i'm bad with money even when i think i'm not. wth? give a gal a break.. money gods.

ERG.

so-- know what else? guess what the temp is today ? the high for today is gonna be over 70 !!! y'all KNOW what i wanna do. dontchya? yep, you guessed it. i sooooo wanna go fishin. i have been thinkin about it aaaallll morning long. it's a little drizzly out-- but it isn't cold at all. in fact - i should have all my windows open airing this smoke filled dungeon as we speak. i don't tho. noooo sittin in the dark. like the vampire that i am. bleh.

what's wrong with me?

haelp meeeeeeee.

i just can't get myself to moooooove. i know what i need to do. (get a drivers license-- get my damn car registered before i get a ticket--clean my kitchen, do my taxes). i know what i should do. (pick up rx's, wash my car, go to the store, work on my neglected bank) i know what i want to do--- (fish, get my hair cut, and colored)--

i also sort of know what i will do--- sit on my ass, right where i am- chainsmoke, and accomplish not one thing that i mentioned. feel like shit for it. which will feed my depression, and pain. which will feed the cycle-- that continues, day by freakin day.

cattle prod? did someone say they have one? can i borrow it please?
ok-- stun gun? got one?

alright people--- i've bored you long enough--
i hope you have wonderful , and productive days in your worlds :))
i will-- i'll DO somethin-- don't know what it is-- i'll let ya know-

laterz- :))

i want him :))

gittin er done

hiya folks-

how are you on this fine - fine tuesday morn?
time flies when you're havin fun don't it? the clan here was home for the last four days runnin, and it seemed kinda weird for me. i was gettin a little too used to havin the days to myself, and not 'feelin' like i 'should' be actually doing somethin. with or for someone, at least. not that i really did do much of either-- but i think if i didn't i at least felt the pressure or pretended.

oh hell. does that make any sense at all?

y'all know the ole sayin... "fake it til ya make it". right? well, i spose that's what i'm sayin here. i faked my way through an extended weekend. and voila! i survived.

i'm not sure i remember everything i - we- did, but here's what i do remember... good lawd , i really do think i am early stages-- it's scary.. but somethin i need to see if they can test for. altzheimers is in my family. my mom had it at an early age.

bleh, the thought gives me the heebie jeebies-- so , back to what i was sayin. (in no particular order.)

some things did get done, but stez actually ended up doin the doin part ;))

such as getting my car inspection done. finally. phew. just that alone was about to give me a damn stroke. but could i find the time or energy to go have it done myself? umm no. otherwise it woulda-- and shoulda , been done by the end of december.

ummm, we were going to see 'the lovely bones' at the theater. actually we did go to see it. but we got there a few minutes late-- and by then-- guess what? it was sold out :(( and there was no alternative at that time slot-- so- we went to dinner. boy it was good too. and we talked and had a good time. it's been a while since we had a dinner like that. not so much the meal-- but everything went right. from the server- to the food- to the conversation- just the whole thing. it was just a good, enjoyable- relaxing time with my family. and i liked it.

we also watched a bootleg of 'zombieland' online- but hooked it up to the tv. it was a very poor visual display of a pretty good movie. wasn't what i expected. but it had it's moments. maybe a 5*. it was pretty funny. worth renting. or seeing.. maybe in a dollar theater-- if they have those where you are.
we have one-- but it already came and went out of ours.



ummm... hubby and i watched 'the hurt locker' on 'on demand' (a cable channel thing') that was pretty good. it had one of those characters in it that you 'love to hate' kind of. he's a real asshole-- but he kinda grows on ya-- but he's still an asshole.
good movie tho-- a war movie-- action type guy flick-- but i liked it too.



i think it was sunday-- but i could be wrong-- but we went to a late breakfast one day at a place we call "our breakfast joint". man they have some good food. down home cookin stuff. that was good. and another good time.

aaaand, i finally got at least a start on my tax hell. i gathered-- what i hope-- are all my receipts for the last year. most of which are medical. of course. not once has the fortune we spend on my medical bills helped us out as far as taxes go. i don't get it. i must be doin somethin very wrong when we do our taxes. i hear so many folks say they got 3000, or 5000 back on their taxes---- holy hell... how???
we donate stuff all thru the year, i pay out the nose on medical-- i swear i have a separate dr for every part of my body. my child has spent a small fortune on her teeth and dr's this past couple years.
but---- does any of it come back to us? ummm. no.
is it because we are us? ummm i bet it is.



anybody wanna help do our taxes this year? i'll pay you. :))
cuz i'm not doin it right.

hmmmm. what else? i reckon nuthin.

i have plans to do my chores today. do you think i'll get em done?
i will get back to you on that. k?

oh-- a couple other things-- i had to cancel eevee's surgery-- but will reschedule when she gets back from florida. the vet said she would still have stitches when they left, so that wouldn't be good-- jumpin in and out of the truck-- or runnin in the ocean :)) -- stuff like that. so she'll have it done after her 'vacation' :))

as for me? i scheduled a 'lumbar steroid epidural' injection for january 25-- next monday. hopefully it will work as well as the last one. and maybe alleviating some of this damn pain will also alleviate some of the depression that goes along with it. fear of pain makes me sad and lazy. or vice versa . whichever. when i'm on my ass i don't aggrivate the issue, ya know? i can just sit here , take drugs, and be still.


when i am active-- the pills do nuthin, i hurt worse, and i get depressed and angry-- then i get bitchy and everyone hates me.
that's when i just want to sleep all day- or become invisible. ya know.
so yeh... hopefully the injection will work.
i may even get ballsy-- and ask about a rhizotomy in that area. it scares me to think about it. i already told them after they did my right cervical-- in my neck and back-- do not touch the left side-- ever. cancel that appointment and i will just live with it the way it is. cuz if y'all remember... i did not handle that well, the pain worsened , and only now is settling down to where i can even wear a necklace again! eegads.
anyhow-- i am afraid of that happening if they try my low back and legs--- but what if it works? if the shot worked all these months--- that might work for up to a year.
that would be a gift from God. i could FISH again, if i had my legs back-- and didn't worry all the time about doin too much-- or them hurting all the time.

so--anyways-- that's what's goin on in my world-- what is happenin in yours?

happy tuesday folks-

oh i wish i had a brain

hiya peeps-- monday again... doesn't feel like it tho. hubby is off of work, and the kid is out of school today. it just feels weird. kinda throws my body clock off, or somethin.
in a way tho, it makes me look-- even more-- forward to summer. i'm already craving the warmth ya know... but also, the not havin to be 'on the clock.'

my days are so split up now it's just crazy. i have to get up at least an hour before i get the kid up-- so my pain pill will work before i have to 'do' anything. then i get her up an hour before we leave for school. leave around 830. then i do whatever it is i 'do' for that day. get her at 315 ish -- she gets out at 335. then at 415- we're headin back out to go to drivers ed-- and i'm back out again at 615 to pick her back up.

geesh-- for a gal who doesn't like to leave the house? (me) -- that's an awful lot -a - leavin. dontchya think? especially lately. gawd. i don't even want to get dressed, and i have to do all that, and more. some days-- ok, most days-- i haven't been getting dressed-- or at least completely dressed. i throw on jeans and a flannel-- over my un-bra'd self-- and slippers--- barely run a brush thru my unwashed hair-- run her to school-- come straight home-- and un-dress my half dressed self again, right back into my so called jammies.

(these bein days that stez isn't around to run her for me)

i don't know what has happened to me. do ya want my uneducated guess? i am thinkin that i tried so hard-- and succeeded too-- to get through christmas without some kind of major breakdown, like the past many years.... that it just had a delayed reaction.
i think that my holiday depression atttack--- attacked me -- even though i thought i was doing well, and bein all proud of myself for gettin through christmas 'intact'.

so much for that idea. eh?

so. now what? here i am, feeling like the damn 'cymbalta' commercial.

"where does depression hurt?" -- everywhere
"who does depression hurt ?" -- everyone.

even shows the damn dog bein sad and lethargic.



then there's the new seroquel commercial-- where everyone just meshes into the background. this is supposed to sell this medicine? ummm... skuze me.... ? is that how ya feel before? or after? sure makes me wanna try it. not!

by the way-- i've taken that medicine before, several years ago--- and just so ya know-- that's how ya feel before-- AND after. i don't reccomend that brain frying med to anyone. not unless you wanna be -- or take care of a zombie. literally. i swear to you-- when i took that med -- in massively high (rx'd doses) -- i slept approximately 17 hours every day- and could not function in life at all. it is horrible.

ok-- nevermind. i don't even know what i'm talkin about anymore.
see what i mean? my mind is just mush lately.

grits anyone? :))

nuthin up there-
see?

anyhow, no worries peeps. this isn't the first time i've been like this- and i'm sure it won't be the last. i just need to do somethin... not sure what it is. but when i figure it out, i'll be fine. oops , there's that word again. :))

anyhow-- i hope y'all have happy days out there today--
i will- promise.

laterz-

was that too harsh?

yeh, i thought i was a little rough on that '1st' post myself. i admit that. i didn't mean to sound like a bitch, but i spose i had some venting to do. i also wanted to make a few things clear from the start. ya know? why not? right? new or old here, let's shoot straight from the get go. i put my intentions out there-- and if yours don't match mine- then you know where the door is. 'capice'?

ok, now that we have that cleared up, and hopefully i am forgiven.

howdy folks!!!! i'm so happy to see those of you who stopped in yesterday!!! really.
like i said-- i'm not hiding from anyone-- in fact, with my style of writing, and even my 'name' it would actually be impossible. well, IF anyone were to actually try and find me.
like Gypsy said-- i am a bit unique. not many folks write/talk the way that i do. and good ole google is always there to assist with anyone who would think to punch in one of my phrases or quotes or somethin. well, i would think so anyhow. besides that-- most folks know my nickname 'brezz' came long before 'soul'. so-- even tho i would sometimes like to fall off the face of the earth-- not gonna happen if i continue to blog.

so. i'm here to stay i reckon. like it or not... and apparently-- ya like it. so do i. :))

i'm wonderin if i need to explain myself to any of y'all at this point. i feel like i should. but at the same time.... i really hate to do that. or feel like i need to. explain myself, or try to make folks understand me, at times. ya know? why can't i just BE? most of you, already know me, and how my mind works. that in itself should be enough.
i really wish it could be. without me explaining, or defending myself. because when i have to do that? it only makes things worse.

so. ya know what? that's all i'm sayin about that. because it's all i should have to say about that. i'm obviously not doin well right now. but that can change in an instant-- or it could change in two months... eventually it will change. so-- just love me, til it's changed. how bout that? i'll be the me you know and love -- someday. :))

anyhow--- my coffee is cold now, and i am in dire need of a shower. -- please don't get a visual on that :)) i haven't done much of anything in over a week -- maybe two. my car is two weeks overdue for inspection and registration. i am two months overdue for a haircut. my hair is brown and gray. i am one quarter of a tank low on the tank that was filled over two weeks ago. what does this spell? how bout d-e-p-r-e-s-s-i-o-n?
i have to do something.

i don't know if i need a med change-- or a vacation, but something has got to give here.
my pain is worsening, my brain is worsening right behind it.

oh! but eevee is having her surgery on the 22nd to have her breast tumor removed!!!finally. i -- we are very happy about that. the darn thing has grown and looks so uncomfortable for her. it should be simple, and hopefully a quick recovery for her. she recovered from her spay in about two weeks, and that was pretty major surgery. this will just be snip and clip---

after that-- on the 8th, she will be making the trip with her daddy to go to florida to pick up the new bubba boat :)) for company, and protection. she will love that. and so will stez. (soulman's new name-- he's actually had that name as long as i've used brezz-- since about 1995?-ish)

welp, on that happy note- i just went braindead, and have not one thought in my head.

so i will leave you with that.. and go cruise around to see if any of y'all have anything to say today-
have happy days in your worlds today!
:))

out with the old- in with the new

howdy folks---
wouldn't ya know it? my first post on a "new" blog, is gonna misbehave already. it really is "cuz i am me". you'll learn to know that is true about me. i have worst luck than 'Shleprock", from the Flintstones. (ions ago.) i sometimes compare myself to him, or even, at times - "Ziggy".
yes, i know - that ages me, doesn't it? that's ok. age is a state of mind. that's how i see it. unfortunately-- for me... my state of mind? puts me about twice the age i really am.
luckily-- i don't look as bad as i feel. well, most of the time.

anyhow, for those who don't already know, or haven't figured it out by now, who i am,
you will come to find that all of the above statements are true-- and also that everything i write on these pages from here forward are and will be true. i find no need to lie about dumb shit to portray a person who i am not.
i cuss, i get angry, i get happy, i get sad, i go from one extreme to another with my moods and emotions, and i don't try to hide or sugar coat that from or for anyone who may read this. if you can't handle what i say, or write -- you are free to leave.
i only ask that you don't fill my head with crap-- because you feel sorry for me. i don't need pity. i give honesty-- i expect honesty in return.
if you can't be honest with me-- you don't belong here.
head games are for children.
or myspace and facebook. i don't have accounts on either of those for that reason.

my main pet peeve , as far as the words that i write here? i don't steal words from your pages-- don't get so desperate that you need to steal words, phrases or ideas from mine. if a person cannot be original in their own mind-- perhaps they need to get a life, and have some experiences of their own in which to develop their own imagination.
imitation perhaps may be the greatest form of flattery-- plagiarism -- merely pisses me off.

lack of response to what i have to say, along with folks reading my blog only to take my words and ideas, is why i shut my original blog down. although it was quite successful, even til the end. to my surprise. i don't think anyone ever thought i would close her down. it was just 'time' though.

writing is something that comes naturally to me. sometimes i feel if i didn't write, at least something every day-- my head would explode. or maybe my soul would. writing is my form of release- relaxation. it's what i do. and i do it well. at least i think so.

i know i don't write grammatically correct. that is not because i don't know how. it is because i choose not to. i write the way that i talk. i am an intelligent, and creative woman. i am also real, to myself and others. if you are here to critique my grammar or syntax, i prefer you find someone else to 'help'. i obviously don't need your advice in that area. i butcher the english language by choice. not out of ignorance.

also, i'm not trying to 'hide' from anybody by starting this blog. although, i do have a new 'blog identity", and obviously, a new title for said blog. tada-- as if you couldn't tell, right? do ya like it? (it's from the rod stewart song-- in case ya didn't know)
just a nice memory i have-- maybe i'll share the story someday.

so yeh, anyhow-- it was simply time to move on. or maybe out.

so - today is moving day.

how do ya like the place?

personally, i don't like change. but, sometimes, change can be good.
and for me, at this point in time? it's either change, and move on.... or hide in my bedroom for a month. that would be too easy to do right now-- if not for damn responsibilities of the real world.

see-- things change. the irritating underlining is gone. that could be a good thing.

welcome to my blog.
new or old peeps---

you are bustin into God knows what-- every day is mystery with me.
as you will soon learn.
my world is kinda like forrest gump and his chocolates--
ya never know what you're gonna get. :))

y'all have happy days in your worlds today--
i'll do my best in mine-

well, there 'she' is - and there she goes

the new bubba mobile
purty eh?

one less thing to stress about in soulland.

as for the rest? who knows? it'll work out. like i said, it always does.

i have been thinkin over the last few days though, and i have decided that i need to take a break from blogging. y'all know how it is, sometimes it's just somethin that needs to be done sometimes.

for me? i want to say that i've had it, and i'm just done with the whole thing. i'm bored with it. i'm pressured by it. i think it's crap that if i don't write for a few days-- folks are all over me-- where are you? update.. etc... but when i write often- i rarely hear much at all. sometimes i feel like someones just peeking over my shoulder reading my journal-- or worse maybe reading my mail. sometimes.
so-- yeh. it just isn't fun anymore for me. at least right now.
maybe i'll be back -- maybe i won't.
maybe i'll put my writing efforts elsewhere.

anyhow-- whatever happens--
i hope y'all stay safe and happy in your worlds-

i'll do what i always do in mine-

laterz-

ce' la shit

so-- do i cuss? cry? or pee my pants?
not that any of the above would help anything. but still. nothing i mentioned -- or complained about-- if that's what ya wanna call it-- the other day has been resolved yet.

in fact- as i sit here? guess who i am waiting for to knock on the door? yup, AAA. why? yup, right again. to jump start the truck. hopefully. ugh. this is gonna kill me and soulman both if he doesn't get another truck.

yesterday, they actually did close the schools -- due to the cold, and mainly icy roads.
so, because of that - and the fact that i knew i wouldn't be leaving the house in temps below 20 or so, i let soulman take my car to work. it's smaller, warms up faster, and of course, has new tires. so, he did. i didn't miss it -- i didn't even think about goin anywhere in that weather.

what DID i think about? yep -- the friggin truck. almost all day long.
is he gonna be home in time to get soulkid to driver ed?
if not- is the truck gonna start?
if so-- is the truck gonna start?
hmm, i wonder if the damn truck is gonna EVER start?
(he did start it before work-- and it started fine btw)
BUT--- did it start at 4 o'clock when he wasn't home yet - to take the kid to drivers ed?
ha! surely you jest. we are US. it did not start.
did i panic? oh yeh. you know i did. it is what i do best. you know that.
so first, i call soulman, he was on his way home, but he wasn't gona make it in time to get her to class.
SHIT!
i call the class- to say, hey my kid is gonna be a little late-
they say -- more than 15 minutes - don't bother.
SHIT! again.
but wait. exhale.
she can go to the 630 class.
ahhhhh.
ok no problem.
soulman gets home-- starts the truck on the first try.
makes me feel real smart. damn diesels.
he drives her to class in the truck to give it a charge.
but-- we both spend the rest of the night worrying about the friggin truck-
and of course--
THIS morning the M-F-ER doesn't start!
after he has a fit-- and i have my anxiety attack-
we decide he take the car to work-\
and i call AAA - in hopes the damn truck will start-
in time to get my child to school
because as we all know by now-- she CANNOT afford even one more absence.
now she is up-- and has been told if the truck doesn't start -- she's goin to school in a taxi !
if it doesn't start after school? we can only hope soulman doesn't work late-- like he has all week long.

SHIT! again.
crap-

our minds are made up now though for sure-- he has a three day weekend-- and the bubba mobile is no more- i know we will be screwed on the trade in value because of all that is wrong with it-- there's no hiding the noise the front end makes-- or the bad brakes -- maybe not even this mystery issue it has about not starting. so even tho we aren't so much upside down at this point-- trade in will put us there-- in the first five minutes of the sale.

SHIT.

so anyhow-- AAA got here -- i was outside -- wearing like three layers of clothes-- for less than four minutes-- i finally told the guy--
if it starts leave it runnin- i have to go inside-!

have i mentioned i hate the cold? well i do-- and at this moment it is 17 degrees outside-- with a windchill of like 2. kill me.

i'm sure i have more to say-- but at the moment all i can panic -- i mean focus on-- is that damn truck. it better start. the taxi sounds like a good idea-- but for those who know me at all? i never carry cash. not a nickel. so if it doesn't start-- she really aint goin to school-- and there's one more missed day of school--- right before finals.

the mother of the year award sure aint goin to me-

SHIT.

hope y'all are warm and happy in your world-
cuz mine is...well...
shit :))

it'll be ok though-- it always works out.

it's only been a day- do you really miss me?

howdy folks-- i had no idea i was missed. perhaps if y'all would speak to me , i'd know these things.
anyhow-- i told ya - i was gonna be busy - again. i am trying to get my life back. but yeh, again i ask you-- how do ya think that's workin out?
you're right. not too well.
i'm doin ok. accomplishing more today than the last couple. but still... not as much as i need or would like to.
my car registration and inspection are still not done. i do have new tires-- which y'all know, was my original excuse for procrastinating this little -- ok, big , task. but -- it has been flippin free-zinG here. 30's and 40's for highs. for me, it may as well be 40 below. so. as for anything that i have to do away from home? it just aint gettin done.
i do what i have to , as far as gettin soulkid where she has to be... but as for anything else out there? not happenin. and i don't expect any results other than that for the rest of the week.
the flippin news is only depressing me further EVERY day-- with their 'threats' of this arctic frickin blast'!.
for almost a week, it's all they talk about . warn us about.
'oh it's gonna be colder than it's been in texas in over 15 years.
when they joke-- they say -- colder than it's ever been, or colder than it's been in a hundred years.

y'all KNOW, that does NO good for me. just the thought of being THAT cold (sub-zero temps-they say) -- only makes me lethargic, depressed , and worthless.

bleh. i hate it. and it hasn't even 'got here' yet. just the thought-- the fear of it, has me paralyzed . i feel like i'm preparing for a funeral. my own, perhaps. just kill me.
that's how much i hate the cold.

the damn weather guessers are even goin so far as to say that the schools are already considering closing for the next couple days. my gawd. fear of ice-- or buses not bein able to run or be warm or whatever . heating schools all that crap.
ya know what? i HOPE they DO shut the schools-- cuz i don't wanna go out in that shit. lemmee tell ya. scraping ice? NO thanks.
i just was not bred for cold weather. it is not in my blood to be cold. i don't believe in reincarnation--- but if i did-- i would have to say, that i was a slave on some friggin hot ass plantation somewhere that never got below 75 degrees.
cuz this cold ass shit just aint my thing.
even for fun--- once upon a time i thought i might like to snowboard-- or ski-- or something.... forget it! i was like 6 or 7 when i had my first-- and last snowmobiling experience--- i remember crying when i lost my mitten... i was so cold.
then when i got older and thought of the snowboarding etc-- i remembered that-- and knew it would simply be a bad investment.

hmmm, this just reminded me of the camping story i don't think i ever finished telling. i mentioned it once-- again, whilst bitching about the cold-- but can't remember if i ever told it. haha. -they laughed at me- :))
while i cried in the freezing , leaking tent! :((

so. anyhow--- lots been goin on here lately- it feels like a week has past since i wrote-- funny it's only been a day. bleh.

lemee see if i can cut it short for ya- i know i've already written a book.
oh hell, i don't even know where to begin here. senile ya know.

well, here ya go-- in no particular order-
in the last 48 hours-

- Murphy's law has moved in with us-

and left me in need of a band aid for my world-
well, not just me-- the entire soul clan
we have each been screwed by circumstances -- some, beyond our control-
but y'all know me--
"the fixer of things" so i am a wreck, trying to save the soul-world.
(in a day)


i bet i have your interest now?
but who do i start with?

me? sure, cuz i'm easy. the only thing i'm dealing with is everything-- and everybody-- and trying to cover some asses, fix things i prolly shouldn't even bother with-- but i will, because that's what i do. surprisingly, i'm pretty good at it too.
and i'm still trying to get things done-- or even started. but with the new things of the past day or so-- i kinda hit a detour.

however---- i am , as we speak, washing my laundry! y'all just don't know how long i have put that off. tomorrow, i'd be nekkid, that's how long i've put off my laundry day. that's a little sad in it's own way. no matter what kind of excuse i try to come up with-- that one comes down to simple LAZY COW.

so - who's next? soulman? his truck? yep-- you guessed it-- the batteries aren't what's wrong with it. is it EVER simple with us? you know it aint.
nope , not the batteries. couldn't be as easy as a couple replaced on warranty batteries for us. no. it's some complicated , expensive repair-- in which, when ya add the tires he needs-- and the front end work plus brakes? we are lookin at possibly 2000.00 PLUS. to FIX his truck. so much for the bubba mobile.
looks like we will be buying a 'new/used' truck -- very soon.
why put all that damn money into repairs on an 02-- when he can get a newer vehicle with less than that as a down payment. bleh. just kill me. it's doable. but- of course, we're lookin at a higher payment. the payments i make already on what we have makes me ill already. now we may have to pay an additional 100 a month if he gets a newer truck.
but-- on the bright side-- the bubba mobile has been starting without getting jumped since monday-- so far. but the stress of it not???? that's another story.
so yeh, when he first started talkin about gettin another truck and a higher payment-- y'all know my money phobia-- i went into a panic- instantly-- but i'm better now. i think.
i get a new gray hair every day-- but i'm fine.
btw-- for those who don't know-- i usually avoid the word fine-- because in acronym terms--
*FINE*=
fucked up
insecure
neurotic
and
emotional

tada---- sums me up quite well-- dontchya think :))

so anyhow--- wanna know what's up with my child? which , as we all know-- always includes me.
well... i told ya she started drivers ed. on monday night.
well, there's a particular 'form' they need from the school -- before they can get their drivers permit--- which they need to have before they can drive with the instructors at the driving school. well--- how do ya think that went, when i tried to get the form yesterday? which, by the way--- is based on attendance---- or should i say-- lack there of.
AFTER i have already paid the driving school--- i might add.
soulkid was denied her form... because she has had too many absences.
BULLSHIT. that's what i say.

so- yup, she's walkin the thin line. and i have til TOMORROW - to get this crap straightened out at the school. do you think they are cooperating? nope. course not.
i spent hoooouuuurrrrsss yesterday going through my calendars trying to find all her absent days- and whys. the majority were due to dr appointments - or bein sick. and all were 'excused, by notes or calls by me. BUT NOT by dr. notes. so tell me why SHE should suffer cuz I screwed up.
i called and told the lady after i verified all her out days etc-- that i could get dr notes etc, that she did go to the dr- or was sick-- and sick days after this swine flu crap-- the news is STILL sayin not to take your kid to school if they're sick. nothin about a dr note-- when she's been sick since that stuff-- i don't want to take her to the dr-- around ppl WITH the flu. i want to see how she does for a day or two first. and i have- and she has gone back to school-- without seein a dr. that is like 4 or five out days. if they would just knock those off-- it would cover her.
they are only doin this cuz when your kid aint in their seat-- the school doesn't get their money. and that pisses me off.
so yup-- soul mamma is pissed off- and gettin dr records etc-- even tho-- they only accept them up to five days after the appointment-- i don't think they want to deal with me when i'm angry. they won't like me when i'm angry. ERG!

one more thing about my soulkid-- yesterday we thought she broke her foot-- or toe-- or something-- i had to take her for an x-ray,. not broke-- just bruised.
she got her gracefulness from me :))
actually that one's a toss up-- her dad is pretty clumsy too :))

ahhh-- i still haven't done his wanna see my scar post- bwa hahahahaha
i am amazed that man is still alive. i bet he wouldn't be if i didn't take such good care of him.

i don't know if i'm kiddin about that one or not. the man is lucky to have only half a finger missing. he almost lost his leg when he was like ten. what a brilliant guy.

so.
yeh.
pass the prozac folks

and be safe and happy in your -- hopefully calm- worlds today-

back to the real world today

hiya peeps-

what's goinin on in your worlds today?

mine? hmmm. seems to be quite a lot for the time of day it is. good lawd. i've been 'up' since like 130 this morning. soulman came to bed at about 12:30, and i woke up with him laughing at me, whilst taking my picture! again. he has a strange sense of humor, i'll tell ya. he has one particular video of me after i fell asleep --- well... sleep eating. haha. he had the gall to show it to audrey -- like a month after i begged , and thought he had deleted it. it's so embarrassing !! there i am - a dish of ranch on my bed table-- baby carrot in my hand-- IN the dish of ranch-- and yup- you guessed it-- sleepin like a baby.
good lord. i just figured it would be safer than smokin in bed--- well, til i saw the damn video-- and realized just how painful, if not deadly-- choking on a baby carrot in your sleep might be.

so yeh. last night- he comes to bed, i'd been asleep for a couple hours by then. i remember i was dreamin about 'somethin' - no idea what-- and i was movin my legs all over the place :)) so the movement has me half awake anyhow--- i open my eyes-- and what do i see? yes--- soulman , standin next to the bed-- gigglin like a schoolboy-- snappin my photo-- of God knows what- running? swimmin? bikin? triathaloning?
who knows? but i wasn't happy about it.
you know he was though. sometimes that's what counts i reckon.

i thought i was done for-- usually when i wake up after a deep sleep -- that's it, and i'm just up. but he was gettin such a big laugh out of this i couldn't resist to not be mad. so i just asked him what was so darn funny anyhow?
he said he had come in there quite upset, and seeing me all nutty made him laugh, and he needed it.
so of course i sat up and turned on the lamp to talk and find out why he was upset.
wondering.. WTH, he was fine when i went to bed. ya know.
so what happened was he had thought about work tomorrow, and then his truck!
it was just a couple days ago that we had to call AAA out to jump start it . (we tried to use my car once-- FAIL-- almost had two dead vehicles).

he had remembered it hadn't hardly been driven since he has been on vacation-- almost a full two weeks. give or take a day or two. so he went out -- i think on friday or saturday to go somewhere-- and it wouldn't start. hmmm. peachy. i just told him, hell it's been freezin, and hasn't been started, just let it get a good charge, drive it, etc etc , blah blah blah. he did all that, and all was well--- til--- yup-- midnight last night, when he decided he better see if it was gonna start. did it? nope.

so he was all pissed off about that, worried about how to get to work in the morning etc.
i got him chilled out a little -- told him he would have time to get AAA out in the morning if he called early, and he'd be fine. ok. ahhhh/ let's go to sleep.
hmmm. how do ya think that worked out?
yeh. it didn't. well, i don't know about him, but i fell back to sleep-- after a pain pill cuz my back was in knots. maybe that helped. but about an hour later, i woke up again-- and i got this bright idea- i was gonna take HIS picture. haha. paybacks are a bitch.
well, i looked over at him--- and -- yikes-- he was still awake. he almost scared me.
i hadn't looked at the clock, so i'm thinkin it was like 3 o'clock or so. found out it had only been about an hour, and he said he just couldn't get to sleep.
so, i offered to make him some hot tea, to help him relax a little, that everything was gonna be ok-- even if i had to keep the truck and get it jumped myself. he would get to work, and the kid would get to school, and there really wasn't much to worry about-- aside from exchanging the batteries-- that still have like ten months left on the warranty.
so he agreed, we got up, i made him tea-- y'all, this isn't something i do on a regular basis-- but i'll tell ya-- i felt good to finally be taking care of him-- again-- for once.
well, he drank his tea, surfed the net, blabbed a little with me-- and he was able to go to sleep.
sweet dreams soulman.

me? i been up ever since. and would you believe i STILL have that damn migraine from yesterday? well, i do. it did go away in the morning yesterday.. after imitrex and xanax.. and a three hour 'nap' on my office couch. but not long after i was up-- it came back-- i spent the better part of the rest of the day-- and night-- in my bed-- awake, then asleep, then awake, and so on. it really sucked. especially after all that i had said about not giving in to the pain. i spose i hadn't considered damn headaches tho. damn, they piss me off. i accomplished nuthing. again.

oh well, maybe today.
i will be alone in my own house all day. first time in almost two weeks. i really do accomplish more alone. when people are here, i just can't motivate. that's not new for me. i have always been that way. even with jobs. i just work better alone.

so there's my plan -

get soulkid to school and drivers Ed today - first day for her.

make sure hubbby makes it to work and gets the battery situation fixed.

and for me-- get caught up on all that i have -- ok.. what i can of what i have, neglected for what feels like forever.

i am also gonna try and make an appointment for another shot in my back. the ones in my neck don't do much of anything. but when i got that last one in my low back-- it did wonders for my legs and low back. that was like three and a half months ago-- sure has been a bitch this past week or two-- so yup i need to get in there and get another one and just hope i go another three months or so with less leg etc problems.

seems i have the rest of it under control with the meds at this point. that feeling of killer bees attacking me has finally gone away. now it's just p-a-i-n. i can deal with that-- but i want my legs back. dammit.

on that note-- i am outta heah--
lots to do- lots to plan--
nothin at all against my family-- y'all know i love em to pieces - but really, i'm ready for my own time and schedule to be back too.
i think all of us are ready for that. even though we all kinda dread the 'change' of tomorrow. it's always hard to get back into a routine after so much time of kinda doin nuthin. or whatever ya want.
y'all know that i'm sure.

anyhow-- i have a little while before i gotta start rattlin this cage-- so i think i may hit some blogs while i wait.

hope you all have happy days in your worlds today

ore vois :))

sunday junk

howdy folks--

no turnin back now is there? here we are , january 3rd, 2010.
i wrote my first check with the new year on it yesterday-- and i was shocked to see that i didn't mess it up. it seems ever since i began writing checks-- that first one-- if not the first three or four, end up with the wrong year on em. then they end up a scribbled mess. at least til i get used to the year i am in at that moment. so. in that regard, yesterday mornings bill paying quest went fairly smooth. told ya i'd get to it. :))
i was also pretty happy to have money left after one of my biggest outflow bill days of the month-- mortgage, utilities, etc-- you know. that one and the end of the month where two cars and like 5 credit cards get paid.. ugh. usually we're broke for a while, that's why i put those bills off til i just can't wait any longer to pay them. even though, in my mind, i know we can't touch that money-- it just makes me feel more secure, just knowing that it's 'there'. anybody else understand that? i don't really understand it myself-- i've even gone so far as to pay bills late-- just so i could 'have' the money. not to spend it-- just to 'see' it.
i know. you might be a poverty ptsd patient if: (dot, dot, dot)

anyhow-- after i paid the bills, we decided it was way past time for a big grocery day, as were were once again out of every-thing. so we decided, to shop on base. i am still thrilled that i found out we can use the commissary -- i swear we saved two hundred bucks yesterday--- ehem-- that doesn't mean i didn't almost have a coronary at the checkout as it was. OMG. i was in such shock at the end price-- i forgot to get my cigs-- we had to go back after we left. luckily i remembered before we even got off the base-- but it was still a pain in the ass. cuz by then, i was in such pain i was about to cry. i was limping, and bitchin, and hurtin, and all i wanted was to get out of the public eye so i could take a pill-- ok two. yes it was that bad.

but it was all good. i was still able to feel blessed- rather than ill, over the money we spent. i know the kinda money we saved-- and when things like that happen, even in regular stores, and the price is high like that--- i begin to get all worried about money, and 'feel my blood pressure go up' -- but it only takes a moment for me to remember that it wasn't very long ago-- that it wouldn't be that much time before i would be wondering what i had to get home and go sell before the money cleared the bank. now i feel very blessed before full panic sets in. that we aren't rushin out sellin stuff-- or goin to the food bank to eat for that next day, and wondering where the next days meal will come from.

so it was good. and we were together. i haven't shopped with all of us, in quite some time. i passed that torch about a year ago. maybe more.when my legs and low back got so bad i could barely walk or stand... it was just all over with. for me , i mean.

soulman had to take on a huge load at home that he didn't have before.
me with not only night blindness, and a neck that don't work--- now my legs didn't want to work. and y'all wonder where the guilt comes from?

he got the taxi duty-- and kitchen duty. and cooking duty. and a lot of other 'duties' that were mine for years before that. duties that 'identified ' me. now who am i? that was/is the question. it's literally degrading at times.

it wasn't right-- but it couldn't be helped. earlier on in this blog- y'all remember all my talk about meals i would cook, fishin every day, other things i'd do.
agoraphobic and all. i did manage to do things to keep the household held up, and also to keep myself healthy-- well-- as healthy as i could ya know-- i at least learned to get outside- and get fresh air, and sunlight, and some exercise--
YES-- fishin is TOO exercise :))

but now? this passed year? (or so) i let all that go. i succumbed to the pain in a way i regret to my core. i really wasn't as depressed this year as i have been in many past... but i let the pain or fear of it control my life. that makes me feel a way i can't even describe to you. chronic pain really can change a person. every thing , every bit, of who they are-- who they want to be-- who they think they are. who they think they deserve to be.
the end result isn't good. well-- whenever the person feels they've reached 'their end'
i should say.

and when i mentioned that i had things i wanted to change this year-- that's exactly what i was talkin about. i will not succumb to the 'fear' of the pain this year. if i at least attempt something-- and it comes to be too much-- that's one thing. but this hiding at home-- denying myself sunlight , and fishing, and things that make me happy-- because it-- might-- hurt me. that's just stupid... and depressing.

like yesterday-- i sooo didn't want to go to the base-- i knew i would be on my already pain ridden legs for hours-- but i went. and even though it hurt-- i didn't die from it-- and i did enjoy the being out-- as much as i could at least. same goes for new years eve. 1st night out of the house on NYE in 15 years. it would be sooo damn easy to talk myself out of that. not this year. i'm facing my pain. facing my fears. and gettin a life. dammit.

soulman teared up the other night talking about how hard it is and has been for him to watch me be in pain all the time. and to not fish or go places. it made me feel awful for him. it isn't his fault, and he has done a great job picking up the slack of what i haven't been able to do this past year.

i have heard of marriages breaking up for these types of reasons-- cuz one side or the other didn't understand what the other was dealing with. soulman understands what i deal with, as best he can. and he takes care of the things that i can't. without resentment.

for richer for poorer-- yup-- been there, done that.
sickness and in health-- done that for more time than not.

we do good together-- and besides that- no one else would put up with either of us. :))

so yeh--
i'll push myself harder this year, and hopefully do more than even i think i can. or want to attempt.

soulman is goin back on his diet-- oops - he gained half of the 51 pounds he lost last year-- but i know he will lose it all and more this time around. it's another contest-- and he's the type of guy who just HAS to win. :))

soulkid didn't say much-- but better grades, better friends, and staying clean was in there -- so i think those are some pretty good and mature goals for a kid her age.

i sure didn't give a hoot about any of that when i was her age.

so- there ya have it-

that's the last time i'm talkin about new years bs.
it's all wrapped up with the rest of 2009 now-- and up in the attic it goes.

except -- one more thing--
someone come take these damn cats of my porch!
please :))

oh ps--- i think i forgot to bitch about the migraine i woke up with at 333 a.m.

i'll spare you--- but i thought it would never go away. it finally did tho. phew! and it only took three hours. bleh. i'm all better now though- so, carry on. :))

my mind is a-jar

mornin folks-

i reckon i'll start this one off with a open reply to the comments to the below post---

y'all had a lot to say-- unfortunately-- well it could be fortunately-- you know- the ole "great minds think alike " thing. :))
anyhow-- i had run all of that, and every scenario through my own mind already.
all the way down to the
"if she died, how would YOU feel?"
i get-- "that's on HER, I'm not the one that did that!"

my kid can rationalize EVERY-THING.
but-- for those of you who know her last couple years--- that is a big part of the character she had to have to survive at one time. it is a hard piece to soften. at least into the part of understanding that it isn't betrayal-- the difference of helping rather than hurting, or snitching. ya know?
some of you may get it-- i don't know. i have been through this with her before-- and have had to break her trust in order to help a child. she didn't like it-- it just had to be done. the only difference was -- the parents weren't brought in-- and if they would have been--- a lot could be different today.
it's from that experience that i just can't leave this hangin and 'wait and see'. ya know.
in my heart, i believe the kid is gonna be alright now. i'm pretty sure at least a week has passed since she did this stupid thing-- i wish i could just tell ya what it was-- but anyhow-- soulkid checked on her-- she's fine. so, i think it will be ok. well , the kid will.
my biggest fear with this particular girl-- is that -- since nothing serious happened-- she might try it again-- gawd! kids are stupid.
i am taking some of the info i learned during my 'research ' yesterday, and will take it to the school so they can put the info out to other kids who might think this is a good idea.
anyhow-- she will be easy enough to find-- i know her 'curriculars' at school, and i have her first name-- the school will prolly not give me the parents info-- but i will tell them, they will call the parents, and the kid can at least get checked out, and the parents notified.
she's not like a 'bff' or anything to soulkid anyhow. she's only been comin around for a few weeks-- and to be honest? it wouldn't break anyones heart if she--or even her parents decided she couldn't come over anymore.
so. yeh. my mind is made up-- with or without soulkids 'consent'. NOT that i need it.

besides that? i really think that deep down-- soulkid tells me these types of things-- to see IF i will DO anything. the time or two i have done things in the passed-- in the interest of the kid--- she got pissed - of course--- but i really think she respects me for it.

she has told me a few things that her friends parents -- i should say - past friends- she has new friends now-- but yeh, she's had friends, whos parents new things that she had done-- but never told me- or her dad. serious things. things that could have put my kid in danger. things i needed to know at the time--- not in a soulkid - guilt- confessional, a year after the fact.

anyhow-- not sure if i explained that mess as well as i meant to--
but i tried :))
senile, you know.

thanks for the advice tho y'all. i think i got it tho. when it's all settled and soulkid doesn't hate me-- i'll fill in the blanks.
sorry smocha-- cryptology IS my second language :))

and SOULKID-- just in case YOU happen to be readin this-- you could just tell me how to call em, and make it easier on all of us. :)) luv you

ok... shall we mooooove on?
how 'bout we talk about what a frea-king lazy cow i was yesterday?

yep-- kinda like that one.
only not as cute.
ihave i mentioned, that i adore cows?
i love them. i just think they are the cutest food -source ever.
:))

ok, anyhow. if you read yesterday- you know there was -- ugh.. i don't wanna say it.
there was another law and order svu marathon on tv. i tried not to give in. i thought i might be able to be strong, and do my chores, pay my bills, that kind of thing.
oh nooooo. that didn't happen. soulkid beckoned as soon as she saw that it was on, and i was her plaything for the rest of the day. from like 1 pm-- til whenever i passed out. and even then-- she woke up and told me i wasn't allowed to go to sleep til it was over--- the whole lazathon! ummm... sorry -- i took my meds at 9-- i have a schedule :)) hahah. anyhow -- i did sit up and attempt to watch some more-- i smoked a cig-- and talked to her a little-- but after that? i was out again.
days like that are a mixed bag of emotions for me-- y'all know that.
it was so much harder this time. the first day of the new year spent like THAT. hmmmm. NOT my intention. but-- that's just the way things go sometimes.
y'all already know the upside to it tho-- and the downside. the downside -- the part of it anyhow that always makes me feel the worse-- is neglecting soulman. it really bothered me this time. i texted -- yes--- from the bedroom... told ya i was lazy.
bleh. but i just couldn't stop thinking of how he was out here alone and we were locked in the bedroom with stabler and benson all day. i felt really bad.

soulman, of course watched football... it was 'bobby bowden' of florida state football's, last time to coach a game. i didn't care to watch-- even tho i really wanted and hoped that they would win. and they did! woo hoo! so-- i knew he was ok for that few hours, and he was happy to watch bobby bowden (coach)-- go out in a blaze of glory.

so anyhow-- that was our new years day-- tv in separate rooms.. all friggin day long.
and of course-- soulman kept us nourished through the day-- and he did come in a couple times to visit-- and once to eat-- and share-- not me, thanks-- his MRE that he got on base. GAG ME. good lord we all need to get some sort of care package of yummies sent to 'any soldier' out there. i tasted a cookie. a cookie, for goodness sakes-- i would rather starve to death. it tasted like the desert... soulkid said they were good. i took a nibble- and gave sushi the rest. i coulda puked. after soulman ate his 'beef enchilada, and refried beans--- i asked if he could live on those for a year?
he said he could, but he wouldn't like to.
ugh-- it was gross just to watch them-- soulkid had a few tastes of things-- cookies, crackers, i guess that's all she was willing to try.
ugh, it was just gross. good lawd i feel for those poor soldiers that have no choice but to eat that crap.

oh-- well, one more thing before i go-- what'd we do new years eve--
it was of course a soul clan kinda outing--
cuz we're us ya know.

we had plans to go out-- yes! into the real world. this would be the first NYE that we left the house on NYE since soulkid was born ! so what-- we were weird and overprotective.

so-- off we go-- we got a late start for what was supposed to be an early arrival to watch "AVATAR" on IMAX in 3-D.
how do ya think that worked out?
yeh, it didn't.
so. we got a refund.. cuz the theater was soooo friggin packed we woulda had to sit in the front row-- and y'all know-- with y neck stuff goin on... that just aint gonna happen.
so yeh, we get a refund on our tickets, and we go. now what? who knows. we sit in the car for a minute, check movie times at other theaters. find one somewhere else-- but of course 'avatar' is sold out all over town. so we head to another theater-- buy tickets for a movie -- that i can't even remember now. it was gonna start in like an hour and a half. soulkid was starving, hadn't eaten all day, and was acting like she was in her terrible twos for it. so we then walk down to a place to eat. soulman had earlier tried to make reservations around town-- every where was booked-- and some folks even laughed at him.. trying to make dinner reservations ON NYE.
well, we found a place to eat near the theater-- not bad-- a pub type place-- but could i smoke-- oh nooooo. could i smoke outside? sure-- in 34 degrees. y'all know i loved that.
so anyhow- turns out we finished eating too soon, so we changed our movie tickets-- which now i remember-- actually were for avatar 3D-- just not in imax. so-- yeh, we changed our tickets to see
sherlock holms.
FAIL.
i didn't even wanna see it at all-- but they did. i only went along for the fact that it was an entire hour shorter than avatar, and i wanted to go home. have i mentioned i love home. and i hate being not home? well, i do.
so yeh. we go in to see sherlock ...
1- we sit through 15 minutes of previews-
2- the 'movie' finally starts-- woo hoo!!!!
3-- but wait-
4- this isn't sherlock holmes
5- this is-- it can't be-
6- it's frickin ALVIN and the chipmunks!!!!
7-- OMG just take me home!

people start grunting, mumbling, gettin up, bein all confused, many walked out.
we stood up , but i already knew by all the confusion that it was the theaters fault so we sat back down. in a few minutes the manager comes in-- and announces a scheduling error.
well duh.
says it'll be five minutes-
one lady yells out free popcorn!
y'all know me-- i go for the big guns-- i yell out
"free tickets!!!!"

anyhow-- there was no five minutes about it-- we sat there jibber jawin for at least twenty more minutes before they got the new movie goin-- the right movie-- but of course---
another 15 minutes of very crappy previews.
by this time i was sooo ready to just go the hell home.
remember, i didn't even want to watch this movie. just not my thing.
so. the movies on, finally. everyone quiets down, settles in, watches the movie--
we end up with a damn crying 2 year old behind us. perfect-
of course, dad doesn't wanna take him out. he has the weirdest cry. soulman thought he was choking. i didn't know what to think.
dad finally -- and obviously, angrily, takes the kid out. all the while-- you know he's pinching him or something-- cuz the poor kid keeps saying owie, ouch, etc.
which of course makes it more distracting. cuz now i wanna kick dads ass.
so they get back-- only for that scenario to repeat itself twenty minutes later.
in the meantime-- soulkid is asleep--- until the final ten minutes of the movie-- that SHE wanted to see.
when we leave-- soulmans critique just isn't worth the paper the tickets were printed on.
the only good that came from that movie?
on our way out-- we ALL got FREE passes to another movie!!!
so it wasn't a total waste. just kinda painful.
obtw-- if i didn't mention it-- i didn't like the movie. or the experience at all.

so-- after that we came home-- almost turned in a drunk driver that we watched for about five miles-- but he turned.

we got home-- watched tv and piddled around. checked out some of jlees work she does . can't tell ya what it is -- cuz -- nevermind -- not only a old joke- but a bad one too.
so we watched the ball drop-- did our trusty traditional toast-- got in a fight with soulkid for bein a brat at the wrong moment--- oh did i say that out loud? sorry.
then we made amends-- stayed up til about two a.m. that's murder for this ole lady.
(but like i said-- without my horse pills-- i'd never sleep anyways)

so. that was new years at the soul crib.

my new years starts for real as of today-- maybe tomorrow i will share with you the things i hope to change in myself for the upcoming year.
i didn't make resolutions... but i do need to do some things differently.

now-- i have had charlotte on hold on yahoo chat for like thirty inutes-- so i must go talk to her before she hangs up on me.

happy days in your worlds today!!!!

a new year dilema -- i mean-- HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS!
MYSTERY UNDERLINING AND ALL. (DAMMIT.)

and hell, what is withe the dang underlining? great way to start my first post of 2010. dontchya think? it's cuz i am me, you know that right?

anyhow. i also thought-- or should i say, i originally thought-- that a good way to begin my first post of the new year would be with a brand new fairy for ya.

perhaps, a

'new year fairy'

i don't know about y'all, but he makes me kinda happy :))
(and so does the fact that his fairy-ness made the underlining go away)

but anyways, i do hope you all had a safe and happy new years eve last night. no major hangovers this morning? no tickets? accidents? brawls? regrets?
nah. i am hopefully doubting all of the above. i think most of us are old enough to have learned from our past crazy days to not do those things now that we're the golden girls. :))

i would like to know what y'all did last night tho-- i'll get to what we did in a while -- but i have some other stuff to say first-- and by the time i get that out here-- well, you'll prolly be sick of me- so i may have to come back another time on the deets of last night.

so for now, i kinda come to you with a bit of a ----

and i feel like a :

i'm a crappy parent and human being- because i live in a world of:

yes, it's true. and what makes it even worse? i know better. i know what i should do. i know what i need to do. i know right from wrong.




and i know what i am doing is exact what pisses me off more than anything when another parent does it to me.
yup. i have information on a kid that could be potentially health threatening, yet i am not as much as i know i should to inform this kids parents of what i know.
of course i have NO way of knowing how to do that. no phone number, no address, no first- or even last name. so. what do i do? i have already tried to get that out of soulkid. to no avail. i can't beat it out of her. she refuses to consider the possible consequences of what could and might happen to this kid. but ME? oh boy. y'all know me. i would take that responsibility and guilt to my grave. IF something happened . the chances are slim, since some time has passed , but still.. from the research i have done this morning? it could take as long as a week or more for any symptoms to show. holy crap. how do i get sucked in the middle of crap like this?

perhaps i did well to raise a kid who is loyal ... but to THIS extent? this is TOO loyal. this is ridiculous. this could be life threatening. WTF.
what a way to start a year. surely i will find a way to either get her to tell me how to contact the kids parents-- or i can find out from the school. i will not let this just go by without doing something.
once again, i got the "this is why i don't want to tell you stuff!!!"
but dammit-- i think she did good by telling us-- maybe i just shouldn't have told her i was gonna tell???
i do not know how to be a mom. but i refuse to go through this shit again, and let kids hurt themselves without letting on to their parents. i can't live with that kind of guilt .
i don't want to be like those parents who enabled my kid. i just won't be like them.

ok-- on to a lighter subject---

my surprise gift?
from yesterday-
it's unveiling has been delayed.
but not by long.

i did meet with Jlee yesterday , and we had a good visit, and a yummy lunch.
i also got to SEE 'it'--- but i didn't get to bring it home. she noticed an imperfection in the sunlight that she didn't notice at her house. so she wanted to take it back home and touch it up.
SO-- i will tell ya what it is-- cuz i know smocha, if no one else-- is dying to know what 'it' is.

Jlee, has drawn.. or sorry J-- whatever the proper term is :O ----
a portrait of my son Patrick. who, if you don't know died as an infant, many years ago. i have offered to pay several people over the years to do this for me, and have given them photos to use to do it-- only to never see them, a portrait, or my photo again. the last time i did this-- the girl did sincerely TRY to do the portrait, but many of you saw, it was a disaster.
when Jlee saw that scan on my blog-- she offered , as a gift to do it for me. i accepted.
it is beautiful. and so is she. she returned my photos even !!! :)) not that i ever doubted that she would.

so. when she does find the time to get it touched up, and back to me-- y'all will be the first to see it-- well, outside of us, and the soul-clan, of course.

no gift is better than one from the heart--- given or received. Jlee i will never forget this-- and never know how to repay it. i LOVE it... you didn't have to take it back.

anyhow---
i hope y'all are safe and sound-- and all your family are too!

have a happy day -- and a happy new year in your worlds too

oh ps-- you may not see me today--- there's an svu marathon on -- and soulkid beckons at this moment!
thank God for soulman and his feeding abilities :))

good bye 2009

howdy peoples ---
would someone like to tell me just what the hell happened in the below post? could that be senility run rampant? when i 'proof-read' it the first time, i guess i was more scanning than really readin it. but this morning? good lawd. did anyone really get was i was even sayin? cuz i'm not even sure that i did.
i swear to you-- i was stone cold sober-- and drug free. you all know i don't do either-- well unless i make the mistake of 'sleep-bloggin' -- which for those who don't know- is when i decide to get online after i ingest a horses dose of xanax -- which happens to be the only thing that makes me able to sleep at night. and also makes -- sometimes-- for an interesting read, or comment, wherever i may end up.
but--- nope--- that post was written in the morning-- usually my most lucid time of day. hmmmmm.
did someone mention concrete boots? :)) i kid. sorta. if i ever do get as bad off as my mom --- really, just take me fishin--one last time.
so. yeh. sorry for that mess of a post. could y'all imagine if i didn't write at all though? that is what my head is like all the time. just a swirl of past, present and future goblee goop floatin around with no where else to go. and folks wonder why i have that stupid look on my face all the time. ha! now you know.
'whatchya thinkin bout soul'?
everything.
for real!
when folks reply 'nothing' to that question-- it just baffles me. and i only wonder if it is really even possible to think of nothing at all. is it? you tell me. cuz i have never had an empty thought in my mind.



ok-- nevermind-- i'm a lunatic, we all know this. but hey-- i'm a fun lunatic. :))
well.. i can be. i'm more fun on here than in real life. i'm too -- something-- in real life. wound up? whatever ya call it. people phobic. i just don't like to talk much. out loud at least. but as you all know-- i could write for days :))
hey-- nobody said it had to make any sense. show me that rule on blogger. :))

ok. so. take a wild guess at what my plan of the day is today. just guess. ok-- i'll spare you the agony-- cuz we all know-- with me-- it could be anything-- or nothing. right?

well, here's a hint :

jitterbug barfed on my checkbook last night!!!!
ok , thatt's not the hint-- but it did happen, and it was no fun at all to clean up-- why my check-book? what a dumb ass . besides that? it was on my couch! and not the leather one-- nooooo, this requires real cleaning. dammit.

ok, sorry-- back to your hint---

JLee said...

Thank you so much for the Xmas card. Sorry I'm just getting around to thanking you ;) I am about to have a gift for you...hehe. Santa said you've been a good girl (sort of) I hope things look up for you and it always helps to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" My daughter and I watched that last weekend.

8:45 AM, December 15, 2009

well--- today i am meeting my friend Jlee for lunch, as well as the pass off, of my gift from 'santa'.
i aint tellin ya what it is yet--- but if you come back this evening-- you will see it. cuz i'm gonna put a pic of it up here. i haven't seen it yet. but it is something that i know she put her heart into. it is nothing that anybody on earth could have bought for me. and i didn't even ask for it. it's something she knew i have wanted for many years, but never found the right way to get it.

there my friends, is your hint.
come back tonight for the unveiling.
i just know i will love it. i think it will make me cry-- but not in a bad way.
i'm so excited i can't contain myself.

so anyhow---- moooovin on-- i did get christmas put up yesterday-- well, all but my snowbabies-- damn pain put the brakes on before i got to them. i'll do those today.
can't wait to get the rest of the place put back together-- and get this place lookin like a home.
it's so middle of the road ever since we moved in i can't stand it. someone should come visit and help me decorate-- i'll pay your way-- well, except smocha-- altho i'd love to-- i'd have to sell something-- ummm, everything, to get ya here. tell hubby you need a vacation :))

well folks -- i must get things rollin here-- y'all have happy days today
and be very very careful if you're out and about tonight celebrating!

happy new year my friends :))

soulio reflections

howdy folks-

i got nuthin- again. so here we go , on another- let's see what falls out- post.

not many folks have been posting too much lately , like i'm one to talk. but i did make my rounds yesterday-- i think i almost made it to all my peeps pages too. i was kinda proud of myself. i usually attempt that, and end up distracted half way through, then end up feeling guilty, cuz i know someone will see me somewhere, and feel like i skipped them on purpose. i think i managed to get everywhere on christmas day too. phew. that can be a job sometimes can't it? tryin to hit half a million pages , AND leave a quick comment-- on limited time? i got scolded that day- cuz soulman was bustin his ass his the kitchen-and smoker, whilst i was spreading holiday cheer through blogland.
haha. did it work? did i cheer any of you? i hope so-- cuz by the time i had finished working on my pictures, movies, and blog posts, and cruisin around to say hi to y'all... i barely had lifted a finger in the kitchen--- audrey helped with some stuff, even soulkid did... finally by the time i was done with what i was doin??? it was time to eat--- and i was guilt ridden and felt lazier than lazy.

since then i have 'meant to' take the christmas stuff down and get it all put away--- do you think that's happened yet? well of course not. every day it's one thing or another.
svu :)) -- the day i went to the dentist i was totally ruined. ya know how they usually don't numb up the entire mouth at once-- prolly so ya don't bite your dang tongue off on accident and not know it. -- well-- i can't get that deep scale cleaning without gettin numbed up. and i live almost an hour-- in traffic-- from my dentist-- i made it in 45 minutes that day. but i had to-- for insurance/money reasons-- had to get this done before the end of the year. so the only way to do my whole mouth by then? was in one appointment. meaning... sloppy-jawed- soul. ugh boy. i drove home with a paper towel over my mouth to catch the drool. i couldn't feel anything from under my nose down to my chin. i couldn't even smoke.. you know i tried a couple times-- but no way. that didn't happen til like an hour after i got home-- and it took two hands :))-- one to make sure it was in my 'closed' mouth, and one to hold it.... THAT's dedication, dontchya think. or, maybe stupidity at it's finest. after that i did my usual, and let the novacaine-- which is now not even called that-- but whatever it is-- it makes me tired. it always has. i think it's a family thing, soulkid and my sis get sleepy after novacaine. and i was souped up on at least nine shots of that crap. so i just laid down. that was at like -- maybe 1 - ish. i think i slept til maybe 7 or so.
that stuff just isn't nice to me.
so anyhow-- every day something has kept me from doing what i'm sposed to be doing and i find worthless ways to fill my time.

yesterday-- i was somewhat productive... but without leaving my house. damn it was cold-- and it friggin snowed again! THIRD time already. not sure exactly how many days-- but this is our third snow. WTF? this is texas man. this isn't sposed to happen here. i left kansas to get away from this crap-- and here i am-- 'trapped' in the house.
again. not that i would go anywhere anyhow-- but i might.
but noooo---- my car needs tires sooo baaad--- it's due for inspection and registration-- i can't do that-- til i get tires-- or it won't pass! i already don't do ice. i do not drive in snow and ice. go ahead and laugh you michiganites, and iowans! :)) i know 'our snow' is nothin but a joke to you-- but ice-- especially black ice-- is ice to me.
i can't tell ya how many times ice/black ice-- has caused me to wreck-- or near wreck my car over the years. i am a tropical wannabe-- need to be. and ice is not in that category. and with slick tires? ugh ugh.. it aint gonna happen. i will not drive on these roads.

i am however-- ehem, i stand corrected-- my soulman is getting my tires put on today.
money i really do not want to spend. but these tires aren't even safe in rain.
hell-- they shouldn't be driven on at all apparently. 35,000 mile warranty my arse.
they went to crap at 20,000.

i just laughed at myself as i wrote that-- it made me remember a time-- looong ago when i was young and carefree. i drove a pacer-- LOL -- yes the fishbowl on wheels.
this car had been thru hell. 'my drunk-mobile.' don't hate me. i was a problem child. i did time, and i never hurt anyone. well, unless ya count me-- and i still pay for that ya know.
anyhow--
me , in my brilliance, one day shortly before leaving for Navy boot camp. i called a friend, and said--
"hey - my car has really shitty breaks, but want to go to 'Magic Mountain?"

some of you know - magic mountain is now six flags-- this was when i lived in Bakersfield california-- i was about 19 .. she was a little older-- but drugs had fried her brain a little. so i spose i shoulda been a little smarter-- but i don't know-- i lived at deaths' door most of my life anyhow-- especially then. i was really a big risk taker.
and either she was too-- or she just didn't think. or hell, maybe she was a risk taker too.
anyways-- i went and picked her up-- i told her-- well, this was back in the day that no one but old ladies and babies buckled up-- so i told her--
"we have to use our seatbelts, we are liable to get in a wreck ya now. my brakes are all but gone."
"duh okay"

so off we go-- it was like 80 to 100 miles over the mountains -- well half way over-- i don't remember which one-- but it was at a top of a mountain, on a dangerous highway-- maybe hwy 5.. known for major crashes around curves and steep hills.
umm.. kind of a no brainer right? no brakes, dangerous roads = don't go.
not us.
bleh.
can we say dumb-ass.
hey at least we stayed sober that day. ya gotta give us that. we were never sober. (together)
so anyhow-- we did go-- we did survive-- obviously--- but would you believe ?---
i dropped her off at her house--- oh-- not to mention that he brakes were totally GONE by now-- and i was only relying in the hand operated emergency brake---
i'm driving alone- every time the brake is pulled, the brakes squeal on the road. i just knew i was gonna get a ticket. i get five miles from her house and 'something flew right off my rear tire!!!! (now that i know more about cars-- i'm assuming it was the outside of the brake pads.. they were worn metal to metal, and nothing was there to hold them on... off they went!
scared the shit outta me.
i only had a few miles left, and i did make it home.
you know i had a lot of angels at work that day. they were prolly a little peeved with me too. cuz i was so stupid. you know the angel and the devil on your shoulders?
well... seems most of my life-- i've had a logical me-- and a 12 year old me sittin up there. it's so easy to listen to the child who never had a childhood sometimes.

now i think i have a me that wants to experience life and be busy and productive on one shoulder-- and on the other , sits the other me- the one that misses all the adventures that i left behind. the responsible one, the protective one. the one afraid of getting hurt, afraid of pain, afraid of everything. the one that thinks every damn thing through to the negative end.

i used to always say-- hell , i'm worth more dead than alive.
now i can't say that. now that i get more money-- i feel like-- nothing can happen to me. i have to be careful, so nothing happens to me. they wouldn't make it without my money.

of course there has been--for years another part to that-- a part that says or reminds me of other things or reasons why i need to stick around. that is-- when i don't want to.
hey- whatever works , right?
and even before that 'thing' happened.. there was always something else to keep me goin.
someone once called it 'a spark'. told me 'never let it go out'.

y'all know i have told you way more than a lot of other folks say on their blogs. so much so i felt the need to delete a lot of it. i still regret that at times. but oh well.
anyhow-- i think the ability i have that allows me to be that honest-- for one-- keeps that spark lit.
keeps the guilt goin sometimes, cuz i feel like i put a lot of pressure on y'all sometimes.
but ya know..... the people that can't or couldn't handle it have moved on. and so have i. not that it was easy to get close to folks only to have them leave over 'my feelings/thoughts/opinions'... but hey-- some people can't handle my type of honesty.

i didn't open this blog to hide stuff. i don't even hide stuff in my real life. well.. i think i said it before-- this blog is fact- not fiction. if i got up here and lied to y'all about some person that i wish i was-- or a person i wish you thought i was--
who would that help? what good would that do?
it wouldn't do a thing for me. i suck at lying. and it makes me feel guilty. i hate guilt.
and what would that do for anyone who reads this thing? for me to come in here and lie about dumb shit? nobody i can think of.

i've learned over the few years that i have had this blog, that being honest here doesn't mean that i have to spill every single detail of my life. i have learned a little restraint. and that has been a good thing. especially when it comes to my family. my daughter. i used to tell alot of her personal business on here-- it was a way for me to vent about it-- in a way to get it out of me- and get help from y'all, some who have been through it.
i also learned through that-- she might be a teenager-- but her problems are -- or can be-- adult problems-- and some of it-- just isn't my right to put online. by doing that-- it has opened a line of communication between her and i that i never imagined that we would have. if i have questions about her life-- i go to HER. and she has grown to be honest with me. even about the 'bad' stuff. "

i can't believe that her problems-- nearly killed me-- nearly split up this family-- only a short time ago. and today i look at her-- i look at 'us, as a family'. and by the grace of God-- and YOU KNOW-- with the help and support from y'all, we are still here , and we are a solid unit and a family again. we take our bumps and bruises, just like any other family. maybe our bumps are a little harder than the average joes-- maybe not..... regardless. i think you all know that i wouldn't be here if not for you. or at least for many of you.
my own body turned on me during those times with soulkid. yet-- y'all were there.. for me-- and even soulman. i thank you all for that.

i love many of you for that..and just because. cuz several of you came along after the worst of the worst here in soulland.

thank you for not letting me feel alone in this world. thanks you for thinking of us, and for prayin for us. and for giving me a new perspective on life-- almost every day.
y'all are my outside world. without you i would be living in my bedroom again. (not that i don't have my days-- but they're just days-- and it comes with the territory)
but you know, i couldn't be where i am today without you.
you know that. if you didn't, i hope you do now. (old and new peeps)

anyhow-- i told ya i was flyin by the seat of my pants on that one.
again- i open my mouth (fingers/mind) and whatever falls out- you get.

two and a wake up from a whole new year. i wonder what it holds for us. meaning you and me. yours and mine. seems every year holds so much, and drags endlessly with pain and loss, but here we stand at the end of yet another one. looking into not only a new year- but a new decade. that is just strange.

my kid will be 16 (in march) and driving . omg that scares me. it takes a friggin cattle prod to get her to clean her room- now i have to trust her with her life and that of others. ----- of course-- we all know that isn't a first-- right? ugh.

soulman and i will have our 18th wedding anniversary. (i swear i feel this is our third 18th :)) it feels like we've been together forever. not in a bad way-

my youngest nephew will have his 1st wedding anniversary :))

we will have a new-used boat. good or bad? i'll let ya know later- but it's purty.
soulman is pickin it up feb 1st in florida.

and-- who knows what else will happen? the rest is unplanned and left up to fate- or destiny- or God- or whatever. the life-fairies.

that's what i foresee in my 2010--- tell me what you see in yours?

happy humpday y'all
smile lots in your worlds today - new year- new chances.
and surely lots of changes-- i wish you all the BEST-

( i just read this-- too many typos to fix--
and my apologies for the babalathon)