easter update --

i know, i've had this pic up before-- but i love it. and aren't so many of us like that? it makes me laugh every time i see it.
i guess what made me think of it was that i was called on my post from this morning. by many. i didn't realize that it was whiney-- it really wasn't meant to be. i was just writin. and what came out stayed there. then as i began to get comments i felt kinda bad. so many others have things goin on too-- and many worse than here i might add.
it's just my nature to complain i think. that and have cry baby attacks. i whine- therefore i am.

so anyhow-- the day did manage to turn out better than i expected. starting with the rain. i shoulda known. the news channel that i watch needs to fire their weatherman. he is always wrong. unless it's an arctic blast-- seems that always happens to be right. but according to him-- we were to have rain and storms alllll day long today. some people even did easter egg hunts last night-- to escape the rain. well... the rain did come-- and go--- during the time i wrote my post this morning. it didn't rain any more the rest of the day. in fact it got pretty warm too. it even crossed my mind to go fishin-- but i was sure it would rain on me-- so i didn't go. thank you weatherman. i'll never trust YOU again.

but-- the lack of rain made soulmans job easier today. the brisket on the smoker--- that wasn't a brisket at all. duh. it was three giant rib eye steaks. they were humongoid. each one covered half a plate. more than half. he slapped a whole steak on soulkids plate and hers and my eyes got huge-- then we busted out laughin; that he would even consider that she would attempt to eat such a huge steak. he also slapped one on my plate-- there was no room for anything else. we both got rid of more than 3/4 of our meat and put it back... but man was it yummy!

so, where did i get "brisket" from? well i did buy one-- but it was just not on the menu. ugh. i couldn't imagine if it were. we all surely would have exploded. what we had was pretty basic-- but more than enough. the brisket will be goin in the freezer before i go to bed.

and btw-- making a low carb holiday meal was not as hard as i thought it would be. it just lacked the rolls and butter --- and gravy-- i missed that-- but ya really don't need gravy with a steak.. and i got so full on the brocolli, and salad, and cow on my plate, that at the time-- i didn't even think of bread.
aaaaand would y'all believe it? nobody argued at the dinner table !! woo hoo! i think that was our first meal in months that someone didn't fight. it was very enjoyable. in fact soulkid liked it so much, she comented that it didn't last long enough.

aand she was actually surprised, and happy when presented with her easter basket. she has such a nice smile-- i wish we could see it more often. it's comin out though. the more "clean time" she gets together .. the more we see it. and the more we hear the genuine laugh of hers. the one that makes my stomache flip flop.

it makes me ashamed of myself -- for the things i think sometimes. because i do overlook so much in her sometimes lately. she's really trying-- and really improving. i'm proud of her. i do know how hard this is for her. in fact-- "they" say it's harder.

she went to a meeting tonight. her dad took her. he usually does. i took her the other night-- but i think that was a first. i just can't see to drive. heck-- when we went to the movies the other day--- i ran over a curb thing-- in the daylight! ugh



anyhow-- after he dropped her off he went to fish a little bit while she was there. he caught a 3 lb bedding bass. i'm jealous. i haven't got a three pounder since--- i don't remember. :)) but he was happy. plus he had an audience of a bunch of boys who had been trying to catch the same fish and they cheered him when he caught it-- that's always great for the male ego right. that and an awesome bbq turn out. y'all better watch out.. one more compliment and he may never come down.

even the dogs enjoyed the day-- they got to have the rib eye leavins-- and on steaks that size-- there was lots of leavins.

they haven't been in a fight btw-- since the night soulman yanked eevee onto the bed by her collar that time. i'm impressed. that always scares me. maybe they learned their lesson eh?

so anyhow-- that's about it--
thanks y'all for comin by--- i only made my rounds to pages that i knew had updated - or come by today-- so if i didn't come over i apologize--i'll catch up with ya.

anyhow-- i do hope you all had happy Easters.


cuz i reckon i did afterall.
told ya my predictions are subject to failure.
that's a good thing, right?

thank you easter bunny

happy Easter peoples--

here's the fish i caught yesterday--
nuthin to brag about -- but hey they're fish-

i look simply horrid lately--
i knew this, but i didn't realize JUST how horrid-
until i saw these pix.
that's why you don't see ME in them.
UGH.

WTH is happening to me? i look like somethin the cat dragged in.
i've gained weight-- i feel like hell--- and i have "something strange" on my face!!!
it isn't a rash-- it isn't zits--- i don't know wth it is. it makes me think of the "mask" people get when they're pregnant! but don't even go there-- cuz unless it's immaculate conception--- that aint even a possibility. i just look kinda dead-- and fat. and that about covers how i feel too.

my chair in my office has become my best friend. i either sit there all night screwin around on the lap top-- or i manage to fall asleep there--- and that is where i stay. don't even ask if it makes my back hurt-- cuz yes it does. it makes me hurt everywhere.
for some reason, soulman decided to untangle me from all the cordage and ask if i was goin to bed -- or stayin in the chair. i opted for the bed. i hurt even worse this morning.

soulkid had a friend stay the night last . on the condition that the friend would go home early-- since it's easter-- and they both have family stuff today. they are both still asleep -- of course-- what 15 year old isn't?
every year before today on easter-- i would have the easter basket all set out and waiting for when she woke up. even though the passed many years she knew where it really came from. i didn't set it out tho this time. because of the company. it just wouldn't be right. i guess she has a friend here a time or two before-- but i would just get an extra basket and set them both out for when they woke up. not this time tho. i don't even really know the kid that is here now. and y'all know-- i just don't have an ounce of trust for any one of her friends anymore. so it just wasn't in my blackened heart to do that this time. i almost didn't even get my own kid a basket. she's grown up enough to be in the positition she's in-- she surely outgrew the easter bunny-- right? ugh.
that thought remained until a new blog-pal reminded me-- they're never too old. so i did go get her stuff for a basket.
as i bought her a pack of cigarettes--- i considered putting them in there-- ugh. cigarettes. for my kid. it makes me nauseus to buy them. but considering the alternative-- her losing her drivers license before she even has it--- or causing someone old enough to get them for her to lose theirs-- it's just better i get em myself.
i didn't put them in there however-- that's just wrong on alll levels of morality. what few i have left.
so anyhow-- she has a most basic easter basket this year. a thrift store basket-- and a few of the basic easter candies. nuthin special, or planned.. or even fun for me to prepare. no plastic grass-- no plastic eggs with money.. i was almost resentful in buying and preparing the thing.

i just hate what has happened in this soul-world the passed couple years. it has changed every-thing. not one stone has gone unturned. my entire world--and family is different.
i'm a stranger in a strange a strange land. maybe that's why i had such a hard time motivating to fill the basket. to cook -- or plan to cook easter dinner. the whole thing.
i'm not cooking btw. the original plan was to go out. but it's gonna rain all day-- in fact it already is raining. which makes this day even more "special". so that plan changed to soulman smoking a brisket on the egg. he's thrilled btw. nothin like "grillin" in the cold rain. i don't even know if he still will. i don't really care either. i'll eat mcdonalds if he wants to whine about the rain. regardless.. shopping for dinner-- cost about a third of what going out would have...and i don't have to get dressed.

ooooohhhh what a bitter hag i am today. hard to believe it's a christian holiday isn't it? hard to believe anything around here lately tho.

not long ago there was an in-between place for me. where i accepted what was goin on with all of us. and i just dealt with it--- and let it roll. seems this past week has changed a lot. i almost feel like someone died. and no-- i know i mentioned--someone did die--and although i feel deeply for the loss of her --and the pain of her family-- that's not it.

i just don't like change... and i have realized-- something i have already known-- but i think it has sunken in-- finally. everything has changed. everyone has changed. and i'm not likin it one bit. i'm not likin the thoughts that it brings to me. i'm not likin much at all lately.

and ya know -- my head is workin overtime-- and backwards even. we have to start packing, and getting ready to move in JUNE.
what am I doing? decorating! buying and hanging crap. finding stuff in the garage that i have looked for for a year-- is jumping out at me-- so i put it out. instead of just leaving it there--ready to move.

all this-- and i just don't know what to do about any of it. well, i have an idea of what to do... i'm just not in any position to act on any of it.

i really have a feelin this day is gonna suck. the rain is already hittin the window behind me, and the wind is blowing. and it's cold out. with a beginning like this-- i think the outcome is pretty predictable.

just peachy.

i hope however-- that every one of YOU have a delightful easter sunday--
i'll let ya know how mine turns out.
it is kinda funny how often my predictions turn out wrong. y'alll know all about that dontchya?

welp-- enough outta me.

THE TIME HAS COME

i must go check out the fishin!!!!!
and get some Easter basket fillins--- (thanks debbie :))

happy saturday peeps :))

smocha--this one's for you

gecko sis--- this is for you :))

Laughing Baby Gecko - The funniest videos are a click away

so much for my plan of the day :((

leave it to me to have the luck of the schleprock. i woke up about 4 a.m. and it was about 70 degrees---- can you believe that? me neither. so i'm thinkin... YARD SALE!!!
i spend some time on craigslist lookin up yard sales etc....drink my coffee... do my morning crap-- and now-- it's 839-- and guess what? it's 49 degrees !!! and WINDY!!! ERG.
wth? i was also gonna load up a fishin rod or two and see if the fish have recovered yet--- but nooooo--- too windy. and cold. (for me).

the child has no school, hubby is at work-- i coulda had this day all to myself. go figure.

sooooo, now what will i do? no idea. i'm itchin to get outta this house tho-- so i'm thinkin maybe i'll go to kohls, and see what's on clearance--- and maybe hit a thrift store for doggy toys-- they have eaten every one they have.

by then, the child may be awake-- and perhaps i shall come get her and go to the dollar theater. or something. she needs a prom dress-- she has seen several cute ones--

did i mention she's back in regular school-- well a charter school. so far she likes being back-- but she's only gone for three days-- so that is always subject to change. :((

if it wasn't so windy i might consider cleaning my garage out-- there's someone loomkin for ,moving boxes--and that's what is fillin half my garage--empty boxes. good lord it's a fire hazzard out there.

did i ever tell you guys--- the hamster-- i don't even remember it's name-- but the one that ATE his friend-- "mclovin".. was living in his cage in the garage for a while-- cuz he stunk!-- and i went out there one day--- to find his cage spilled out on the ground-- he hasn't been seen since- i bet he made a stray cat pretty happy.

anyhow-- i guess i'll get UP and find something to do. i have been up a long time and am bored out of my skull.

ttyl
happy friday


ps--- i just can't believe no one has had anything to say about the sheep video-- i think it's hilarious!

speak to me peeps

wakey wakey :))

Watch POMx Iced Coffee, WHAT THE FLOCK! in Comedy  |  View More Free Videos Online at Veoh.com

too late to even try now

yep-- i speak of sleep. dammit. i got none again last night. i can say last night--because even tho it's only 3 a.m., it's time to get up for me. i have to wake soulkid at 530-- so there is like zero sense in trying to sleep now. i would only be too tired to get out of bed if i did. so i won't. i just got the coffee goin, and will be havin me a nice hot cuppa soon.
yep-- it's not gonna make the soulman none too happy--- not after our last "discussion" on my non-sleep habits. but that was before the new sleep med. i'm pretty sure i have slept every night since i started that-- until last night. and that was because i had a migraine. the same one that i went to bed with the night before. i woke up at like two or three and took an imitrex shot-- i was able to go back to sleep til 5 or 530 after that. but last night-- ugh. i took shot around five or six p.m, and it helped-- but it came back in an hour or two. i didn't want to take vicoden for it-- cuz sometimes that only makes a migraine worse for me. don't ask me why. cuz i have no idea. so-- around 8 i took some "goodies" and a cup and a half of coffee. even tho i was very tired at that time---tired enough to go to bed even. BUT -- i always have a hard time sleeping if someone is gone-- soulman, soulkid, or both...and last night , both were gone, til maybe 9. ish.
unfortunately-- i was cold busted drinkin coffee. even tho it does--and did help the headache--- i ended up bein up all night. i almost fell asleep in the chair-- but once i got up to go to bed-- it was all over with. i was alert again from just movin around the house.
i don't have the migraine anymore-- it's just too late--or early to go to bed.
wth ?? i feel like a kid in trouble. i really think it should be understood that some nights, i am just not gonna sleep. i have nothin goin on --other than takin and gettin soulkid from school today--- if i get tired i can nap- maybe. she gets out pretty early-- around 2. so if i don't lay down by ten i may as well forget it.

doesn't matter tho really, cuz today --or yesterday-- it got up to 75 degrees with little wind. it would have been a great day to fish-- had i not had an appointment and a migraine . along with other things.
and then today-- i have a lot of housework , laundry and errands to do-- if i finish in time--i just may go fishin. it seems like forever since i fished but i think it's only been like a week.
do y'all think hail--big hail-- can kill fish? maybe if it hits em in the head? :)) i wonder that. i wonder if they have recovered from the storm and cold weather and wind etc. this past week here has been really crappy--weather -wise.

so anyhow-- i got the second MRI done -- no new news on that yet--did i say that already? hmmm. anyhow. nope--- i prolly won't know anything else til the 9th, when i see the orthopod again. then after him i have the pain management for the shots--then neuro for that follow-up on all of these other things. ugh.
can we say P-O-V-E-R-T-Y??
soup line anyone?

hmmm... what else?????? not much i can think of right now-- with my non functioning tired brain.

cept this-- has anyone ever seen a cd of an mri? how bout their own? that is some wild shit there i say. i tried to copy an image from the disc but it wouldn't let me. but it is very weird. i saw my own brain. eeeewwwweeee. course i don't know a thing about interpreting any of that..brain, spine, discs, muscles. but i could see em. very weird.

ok-- i'm babblin now-- guess i will go---to do what? no idea-- but i know it won't be sleepin.

i did start reading a book yesterday at the mri place while i waited. i know-- a miracle huh? i never even finished the last one i mentioned.....i got like half way thru and lost my train of thought. so i put it up for another time.
now i'm reading one that a friend recommended --- by wally lamb. i forgot the name tho -- :)) oh-- it's " i know this much is true. i haven't gotten very far yet-- but it's pretty good. kinda strange-- but good enough to keep goin with. it's loooong tho. and me not bein a big reader-- i'm hopin i can finish it.

anyhow-- guess that's it outta me for now--- maybe i'll update this evening.

take care peoples.
and happy humpday!

(not like we didn't already know most of that-
i thought it was cool)

woo hoo -- i'm just giddy !

guess where i get to glow? ummm, i mean GO,.
i got a call earlier today-- the dr forgot to order an mri scan of my T-spine , when i had the other one. just peachy. that means i get to go have another mri-- today. yip yip yip-eeeee.
not.

hope y';alls days are good-- mines kinda busy-
happy tuesday

i'd rather be fishin -- dammit //// (UPDATED)

howdy folks--


yes, i would much rather be goin fishin than where i'm goin soon.
i have to go have yet another friggin MRI. i just don't get it-- i practically begged for an MRI for years, and now it seems i am having one -- or some other type of scan, or xray- or some crap -- every other week.

but hell. at least i'm being taken seriously now,. but i don't wanna go. anywhere actually.

the wind is screamin outside and it's not even 40 degrees. definitely MY hibernation weather. but oh well.

maybe they'll find the real problem this time. i'm beginning to think they just want my damn money. ugh.



the scan will be of my neck and scap areas. ugh. where it shoulda been months ago. they kept doin the shoulder..bones. sheeeeat. so anyhow-- no time for jibber jabber-- i must go get my glow on.




happy monday :))
i think that's an oxy moron...isn't it?


===============================================================

240 pm

hello again--- i'm baaaaack. i feel fat btw. i have gained so much weight lately. omg i feel like a whale. i'm sure the apple, and 2 bowls of cereal didn't help any-- but i was hungray! now i'm tired. i think i may just take a nap.

in answer to your question joz--- the new sleep med seems to work pretty well--- so far. i think i've only taken it two- or three times? but i sleep til 7-- i slept til almost 8 this mornin. so that's a good thing there. sorta. until i miss an appointment cuz i don't wake up. :))

on the other hand--- the ortho doc apparently already got the MRI report-- even though i still have the scans with me. some woman called to schedule me for the shots in my neck... apparently called -- somethin like a cervical epidural steroid injections. (which i will be lucky enough to be sedated for.

(3 appointments.--Lord i hope it helps. it's basically a nerve block. something i don't know why hasn't been tried before. but i'm game now.









i knew the neuro doc was missin somethin. i like him ok, but i think he shoulda caught this.
the new diagnosis?

Cervical Radiculopathy

i don't know if that means the diagnosis he did give me has changed---or if there are two diagnoses now.... but he had diagnosed me a while back with :

cervical dystonia too.

so. what does all this mean?

it means i am in pain. and now-- "they believe me."

so--- also to answer your question -- donna--- nope no surgery yet-- but it may be an option. if nothin else works.

anyhow-- that oughtta do it-- so - i'm gonna go lay my lard ass down for a while-- hope y'all are havin good days-
mine's just "glowin" :))
laterz-

just another sunday--

hiya folks

wth is it with the weather around here? yesterday woulda been the perfect day to go fishin-- it was HOT, wind was low, sun was shinin, --- whaddaya think is goin on right now-- well, since i woke up? the wind is whistlin! it sounds even creepy. haven't gone to the weather page but my guess is about 40 mph. i do not fish in the wind--andymore than jim croce spits into it. i hate to fish in the wind. hell i hate to BE in the wind. and -- it's COLD. wtf people? the weather gods are schitzo- shit. ruined my whole days plans.
now i guess it;s just work. paperwork, bills, house cleaning. all that fun stuff we all love so much.
to top off my morning bitch atack--- i am gonna run out of cigs in about an hour-- and will be forced to face the elements. i need a errand fairy!!! BRAAAAD???? :))

i joined facebook a few days ago-- i really don;t like it at ALL! it has too many stupid things on it that i just don't get. and yesterday i did some -- top five thing-- now i am hammered with SPAM , i even got a couple phone calls! i hate that. if i had known-- i woulda never done that thing. i even put a fake phone number! close but off-- and they still got me. i think i will be cancellin and stayin here where i am comfortable--and can at least maneuver myself around.
ugh the wind out there is drivin me batty.

i still haven't finished my taxes-- or got the program i need to use to do em.
i did however buy a adding machine yesterday-- a real one-- that i can SEE-- and print off of. it's pretty cool--but is takin some getting used to. and as much as i mess with banks etc-- it will come in handy even after the taxes-- IF i ever finish them. i really think i will be handing that task over to soulman today though---- i can';t like it.

yesterday i got some bad news. or should i say read some bad news..... one of my new blog pals daughter was found dead a few days ago. it was horrible to find that. and worse that i hadn't been to her page in days--so found out late. it is unknown exactly how she died--but "fowl play" may be involved. i can't handle hearing of people losing people-- me and death don't deal well together. i don't know why i feel the way i do about certain things--- but death and divorce disturb me. especially when the death is a child. of course this gal was not a child--- she was my friends' child. and it breaks my heart. because i know how that feels...i know how that is. and i know it never goes away. it is a heartbreak that should not even exist. a mother is never the same after such a thing.,
and it is a horrible loss...no matter when-- or what the cause. it is just not natural.
please send prayers to her and her family. that they will heal quickly and not be destroyed by their loss. any loved ones death is painful--- but that of your own child-- is hell on earth. her name was Stephanie.

she is asking for donations to be sent to NAMI--or LUPUS.... if you can do this , please do. any amount will help.

wow. i still can't get my head around this. we had talked of her daughter just a few weeks ago. it's tough. and i hate it for her.



anyhow-- that just ripped every other thought out of my head.
maybe i;ll come back later with more.


hope you all have nice days today--
laterz

she's headed for a new life

1-
yesterday was my last day of group therapy.
i think i just may miss it some.
it gave me a reason to wake up-- a place to go-- real live people to interact with- -- and a place to say things that i wouldn't be judged for.
yes. i'll miss that.

2- the day also started out as quite a SOAB. i think it was like 6 a.m when i was bombarded with how important it is for me to sleep at night. so much was out of character in that "conversation" that it blew me away. 17 years, ya live with a person, and most of it is disregarded and placed on ya (me)-- as a character flaw-- or a behavioral problem.
needless to say-- the conversation did not go well.. in fact--it was crap.
thank GOD, we both had places to go. (yes, i speak of the huby and i.)
haha-- "the keeper, that almost got tossed back!)

3- i saw my shrink also-- i told her of the lack of NEED of sleep. about the "discussion" soulman and i had that a.m. - and told her-- i am runnin out of choices-- i can drink.. overdose on sleep meds--JUST to sleep people -- OR she could give me something else.
drinking sounded pretty good-- but she didn't think so :))
so-- the end result? horse pills ! ... big as a grape! a sleepin pill i've never heard of-- much less been offered. i have to take two , because i have a tolerance level of king kong--but it worked!! not sure when i laid down-- before nine i think-- i woke up at like 730. that's one for the record books.

4- after i saw her i was officially discharged from group--said ola to the gals i got to know--and the rest, just to be cordial. i do wish them all the best-- it's hard not to be concerned about folks when you hear the stuff they say in there.

5-- then, it was off to the orthopedic surgeon. that part made me a bit nervous. this shit has been goin on for far too long with my back. and with nothing showing up on all the mri's and xrays-and other stupid tests-- and little to no releief from the pain.. i just didn't know what to expect from him.
and wouldn't ya know it--i got lost-- and couldn't find the place. i was sooo frickin tired yeaterday, from no sleep i thought i'd die. i kept falling asleep in between times he would be in the room with me and go out for something.
anyhow-- more xrays. i didn't think muscles showed up on xrays-- but he must have a superman machine. he could see the muscles that were spasmed, and messed up--- but of course he also--- didn't xray the right part. the worst part i should say, which is the scapula area.
but he referred me for a mri-- pain management-- and then i will be having more shots in my NECK. owwwwwww.
he gave me a shot too--and it hurt. just so ya know. i usually take shots pretty good. cept the botox shots in my back a few months ago hurt like a bitch.
then after all this is done.. surgery might be an option. i heard him on his machine-- what do they call that-- where they record their notes? he said possible torn ligaments== just like neuro guessed. i am not lookin forward to surgery-- but if it helps--- i will take it in a heartbeat.
i'm just sure that the constant --or near constant pain, is contributing to the sleep and depression problems. so hey-- i'm game. just get it over with.


ok..enough about me.

soulkid starts school tomorrow. it's back to the one that's onlyu like half a day-- 830-2... but i feel good about it-and so does she. i will have to drive her-- but i have several appointments lined up-- so for the first few weeks it won't be so bad. i just hope it helps her-- she is in real danger of failing the ninth grade. mostly because she has had so many (med probs and missed school)-- but she also screwed around waaaaay too much.
so, go her. she better get serious, and bust a move.

last night she spent the night with a friend. the lack of trust there even crept into my dreams...but the girl she went with had been in treatment with her--goes to meetings with her--and also seems serious about staying clean. i hope it is all on the up and up. no one can lie like a teenage girl. or two. ugh.

as for the hubster and i-- it's smoothed out now. i think. still a bit of animosity.. feeling attacked over something I cannot control.. but i get over stuff ok. sometimes.


so--- that's just about that.
for now-- y';all are update on the goings on in the soul crib.

some stuff comin up in the near future-- but that can wait til next time.

be happy in your worlds today-
i think i'll just stay busy.

here are a couple posts from my draft file-- due to interruptions and not finishing

the new me-
just add like 20 pounds!

hi peepslesssss-


(this is a post of two posts i attempted to write yesterday--and in the middle of the night yesterday-- that just didn't make it up here. too many distractions.
ha-- you wonder-- who can be distracted at such hours-- well, that would be me.

----------------------------------
these are from friday- april 3rd.
----------------------------------

this is my 690th post
no tellin how many there would be had i not deleted
so many a while back.
but still, that is a lot of damn writin.

anyhwo-- just thought i'd get that out of the way. i'm not sure what the hell is goin on here-- but it's 2 am.. and i have not been to bed yet. this kinda thing gets really old, really fast. i guess it seems the days that i am stressed or overwhelmed in some way-- or angry even.. are the days that i don't sleep. i guess i'm maybe becoming imune to the slep meds--again-- and i'm ust on my own. obviously , i don't do well on my own. in just about any manor-- i just suck . not all of me-- just the part of me that requires functioning. like communication, routine, self esteem, motivation, respon
sibility, maturity, memory. you know. that type of stuff. but -well i seem to lack the majority of those--and then some.

obviously, i'm not real happy where i'm at right now. not physically-- well, not so much. but i mean spiritually, maybe. nah, that's not the right word. but whatever it is that means where you are in your mind.. or your state of mind? i don't know. i'm not sayin i'm goin mental ... i'm just saying that things aren't working out the way i would like them to be. and a "vacation" sounds pretty good right now."

i don't know how to explain it-- and even if i did-- i'd prolly be too embarased to say it. or write it.
maybe i'm just tired. no one should be on a sleeping pattern the way i have been for so long. i used to complain that i slept too much, and couldn't accomplish anything. now it's the opposite. i don't sleep enough, and i do too much. i'm on the run every day almost. it really affects me. in every way. it affects my relationships. and in turn, it affects my world.

so much has changed , just over the past couple months. a lot has to do with people. alot has to do with me. i just don't know what i'm doing--or even what i am supposed to be doing.

a couple things that get to me lately is, so many times i hear people say-- they are original, what they write is original, they don't want people to steal or borrow their "words". but it seems anywhere i go on here-- it's like i see me talkin. my phrases, my words, weather it be someone commenting, consoling someone-- or in their posts. it's very strange--- and it isn't new to me to be bothered by it. it's just weird, and irritating. but it won't kill me i don't spose. i'm sure it's just my frame of mind right now. just feelin a little lost-- and to see my -- what i thought was originality -- other places-- just a bit unsettling. not anything to get riled up over though-- it isn't like i have much much bigger fish to fry. right.



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next attempt

so. anyhow. today is my last day in my womens group thing .
and monday my child will be going back to school. she has decided that home schooling rather sucks. it's lonely-- and she doesn't like to be home so much without conversation with kids her age. i can imagine tho. i'm glad she chose to go back to school.
it's important she get the right help/// especially in math. i just can't do that shit.
she seems happy about it-- and ready.
i sure am. i hadn't really had to do much with the homeschool since she enrolled-- as far as helping her work-- but the fear of it was overwhelming me..especially before i knew she wanted to go back to her other school. so-- big relief .

change.
i don't like change very much. it upsets me.
things have all been changing ever since like the beginning of last year. i sure hoped 2009 was gonna be better-- i think it's worse-- and it aint even a quarter way through.

one foot in front of the other i reckon. it's just kinda tough to do that when all trust has gone out the window. it's kinda like walkin thru life in the dark ya know. i just never know when the bottom is gonna fall out. again.

i'm tryin tho. but dammit it just doesn't seem to work.
or it will for a while-- then the shit falls apart again.

gotta get goin
todays post- comin up

until then---
there's a stupid game to pass some time--if you have it. (below here). i played a few times-- it's like a fifth grade game-- but it'll get ya if ya aren't careful. for a little while anyhow.

mute it if the noise bugs ya.

big fish little fish

Fish Tales

Play more games at Fugly.com

where in the hell does the time go

another night of sittin up all night. i did finally pass out around five a.m, but that only lasted til 7. now it's almost 8 already and i have like 20 minutes to ready myself and be out the door. ugh.
i hope this pattern changes soon.

until then i'll just sleep blog and howl at the moon.

but on the bright side? i think i may have found a job,
until i begin to sleep normally again.......
i wonder if it pays well? :))

i don't know if i mentioned it or not-- but there is a sketch artist in my group...
she is gonna sketch a picture of my son, Patrick, with Jesus for me..
yes , for a fee, but that's fine. i have wanted this picture for years.
i saw it -- similarly , in my mind once soon after he died.
she says she will do it , and it isn't gonna break the bank either.
i can't wait to see it after she's done she is good.

but-- here is something similar that i found online---
it will just be that Jesus is holding Patrick.. and some other subtle changes.
i'm excited.

and last but not least-----

soulkid is HOME!!!!
i have group and a neuro apointment-
and soulman has to work..
so it's not a great way for her to spend her first full day home...
being alone.
but sometimes that's a good thing.
she may just enjoy it.
hopefully she can stay outta trouble.

:))

i gotta roll on outta here--

happy days to you all.

well, howdaya like them apples?

hail damage , full of grace

well y'all, you know i'm not the luckiest person in the world. that proved itself once again last night in the hail storm. i didn't even bother to look at the house/roof/etc yet-- we rent, and i really don't care. but, i did go check out my car this morning. soulman was leaving for work just as i was getting up-- he said both cars were damaged. lovely. just friggin peachy. my main concern was the glass-- i have to drive to wonderful dallas today-- y'all know i love that-- imagin it with a cracked or broken windshield. ugh. instant headache ..instant heartburn.

i had to have some coffee before i surveyed the damage.. but when i did-- i was upset-- but at the same time a bit relieved that it wasn't worse. it sure coulda been.
anyhow you saw some pix-- now here's a lil video to cheer you---

afterall-- you could be ME. :))

happy -- whatever the hell day it is--

ps-- i lost my video :))

oh-- there it is-- they don't call me bren-duh for nuthin

happy hail damage to you-- ugh

we just had a storm blow in out of nowhere--
with no warning
have a look--

i better not have busted car windows tomorrow-
ugh

that is hail---
lots of it-

my car bein hammered!


the back yard-
it needed washed down anyhow-
but i don't want my table to break :((

what the hail???

golf ball sized to baseball sized beat us up :((

JLEE---how is it at your place?
hope you're ok!

and the days all roll into one...

here's a few pix from yesterday

we took sushi to see her mommy.
they were both so happy to see each other.


first, we of course had to go eat-
we went to pei wei,
good stuff.

THEN,
we went to a park...
and let soulkid walk around with sushi.
we were all surprised that sushi wasn't an idiot.
she did real good for not normally being walked-
or out around people and other animals like that.
i think she was just too thrilled to see her mom,
that she didn't notice.

aren't they sweet?



time goes so fast when we have her out on a pass-
it's only three hours, and there's not much
you can do in that time.

so after we took her back, we went to a different park..and
of course had to try our luck at
fishin!

THAT is a big ole bass-
much bigger than he looks here.
it made soulman happy--obviously--
and of course he was the man of the hour--
everybody stopped what they were doing-
to see his fishy.

as for me...
i didn't even get a bite.
poor me.
i'm next tho.


we were just happy that the weather turned and got pretty nice.
i think it did actually make it to 70-
woo hoo.


as for today?

i'm friggin tired.
that would be as in
T-I-A-H-D!


i actually slept again last night--roughly, but it was sleep.
i woke up around 3 somethin, did my mornin stuff-
and couldn't stay awake.
i kept trying to post here, but i kept fallin asleep.
finally i quit fightin it , and just took a nap.

then i had a short yahoo chat with a - pal - o - mine.
and fell back to sleep when we were done!
gosh i feel lazy today.

i have group in a while-- and my damn clothes won't dry!
it's not like i have any that fit anymore--
so they are all in the dryer.
oh yippee.
i hope they dry in time.

i have a busy week ahead--
but the one good thing?
ya wanna know?
soulkid comes home on wednesday !!!!!
it's almost strange, but i am very proud of her.
she has worked so hard there .
she has everything all planned out.
she's gonna go back to school.
she knows who she will hang with and who she won't.
and she's already told most of them... the users-- that she is done with them.
she has realized they weren't friends, and she doesn';t need or want them.
i think she's gonna be just fine.
(it's me i worry about LOL)

this year was "supposed" to be a good one..better than last--
so far-- it hasn't been very kind---
but i spose that's subject to change.
we shall see.

anyhow-- i must check my dang clothes again.
i'll be goin to group nekkid if they don't dry--
and that would NOT be a pretty sight.

welp on that note--i am outtah heah---

have happy days in in your worlds today!

it's 32 degrees in texas , do you know where your life went?

howdy peeps...

thirty two degrees right now outside. whaddabunchacrap! i want to go fishin -- i wanna be normal, i wanna go out to lunch"... :))

ok enough whining--at least for this second, i'm sure i'll have more later.
but y'all know-- i can't be freezin and not bitch . it's just not sposed to get this cold in friggin texas. WTH?


so-- i can't fish today--or yesterday--- what will i do??
one thing is--today we get to see soulkid -- on a pass-- away from rehab. those visits usually do go best. for some reason, she's a little brat attack at the rehab. especially to me. i may have finally figured that part out-- maybe. my guess--- she is uncomfortable there with us, maybe because she is just embarrassed of us seeing her there--seeing the other kids.. the whole thing. kinda like she's feeling judged maybe.

maybe like i feel sometimes at mental hospitals when i have a visitor. seems no matter how much i want to see someone-- i don't want them to see ME. (there). or the other patients. it does feel judgmental. it feels like you are not much different than the other patients-- but a visitor will make a comment or give a look to one of them -- and it's easy to take personal. maybe like -- if you think they are so messed up-- you surely must feel the same about me.

so anyhow-- i better change that subject . just thinkin i see a trend there. nobody wants to be locked up-- and/or compared to someone else like that. and it happens. but they are "our" peers. of course some are worse off than others, sometimes visibly so, and we do feel defensive about them , and ourselves, and the whole situation. we know things about these folks--that our family and friends will never know--or understand. it makes it tough. we feel defensive of them, as if they were us. because in a way-- they are.

but anyhooo--- yes we will see the child today--away from rehab-- in freezing temps-- we were hoping to bring her little dog sushi along and hang at a park somewhere. she misses her. but it's too cold to be anywhere outside today. looks like a mall, and food-- again.
dammit. neither are my favorite place to go on a pass. or at all anymore . i want my kid home. ugh. i just want my life back-- whatever it was... it was better than this. better than lately.

how did i get here, to this place in my life? it seems so surreal. like a dream. like it just can't be me--or my life. i just go through the steps, seemingly in slow motion.

it's unbelievable at times. but it's real. it's me. it's them. it's my reality. it's my life.
a life that i don't know how to handle at the moment.

even the dogs have cracked up.
eevee still hasn't seen a vet for her "lump". and sushi -- well.. she's just sushi-- but worse.
she misses , and looks for soulkid all the time. it's sad actually.

i hear a train..perhaps i should just go stand by it and scream til i can't scream anymore? this life of mine is becoming a movie i think. i've lost all sense of time and direction---and self---and family. i just kinda float around and do what i think i'm sposed to do. but nothing changes. or so it seems. perhaps everything is changing--and that is the problem?

and no. i'm not blind to other peoples problems in their lives. i know i'm not the only one with any one , or many, of the things happening in someone elses life. but i will admit-- it does feel like it - often. and i'm sure i'm not the only one who feels like "it's just me", sometimes. we all get to a place like this --or similar. we all feel unique . we all feel alone at times. like that " standing in a room full of people and still feeling alone . "
syndrome.

i'd rather be alone-- than feel alone, i think. feelings kick my ass. as do my thoughts. i need a vacation from my self. just when i think i've got it together --it all falls apart again. almost like finishing a huge puzzle--then ya go to move it and it falls to the floor in 1000 pieces again. what do ya do? you either pick it up and put it together again.. or slap it all back in the box and ignore it. i think i do both... i'll pick it up and get it half way done again-- just to leave it on the table---as if someone else will finish it for me.---- knowing it won't happen that way. or , back in the box it goes-- until i find a piece that got forgotten on the floor, and it all comes back. the way it looked whole--the way it looked scattered on the floor. and i wonder-- how do i fix this? can i fix it? or is this just the way it is? pass the "gorilla glue" !

isn't that the definition of insanity? doing the same thing over and over--anticipating different results? hmmmm. points to ponder.

and another thing----

nahhh i'm just kiddin. no other thing.

i guess i'm just feelin a bit sorry for myself. not without reason. but still. it's not the way i want to live-- or be,. i want to be an example to people. i just don't know how to do that. seems the older i get, the weaker i get. and that is very hard for me.

i need to clean out my closets--dismantle the skeletons, and get rid of them. i need to face my demons, and beat their ass. i need to rise above the ashes as the Phoenix, and be stronger than my problems. be they physical, spiritual, mental, real, or perceived. i need to let go of my past and move on into the future that awaits me.
and not by over-eating, not sleeping, or hiding from life, isolating, or self destructing.

i am supposed to be an example of what God can do. i am a miracle . we all are. my now sober daughter. my now getting healthy husband. my friends out there who pray for others and not only themselves. we are all the same with different stories. all heading in one direction. to better ourselves--to help people unselfishly, asking nothing in return. to be humble, responsible, and respected as who we are. no matter where we came from. (silver spoon- or tin can lid in our mouth).

we have all come together for a reason. not to be lonely. not to hold on to what is gone. but to be there for each other. we all have so much in common, it is scary sometimes. how many of us finish the sentences of others? or say something one second before they say the same thing. how many of us have lived similar lives with similar problems.
so why do i find it so hard to live in that frame of mind? and kn ow that i am not alone---or unique.

why can i never live what i know--- and only live what i think i know. my life is run by feelings and bad memories. i am spiritually damaged. i am conceited, yet damned.
how does that happen??? a person can't and shouldn't be both. it's not possible. but somehow -i do. i find it my normal way of life.

i do believe that i am unselfish-- i give til it hurts, expecting nothing in return... in the next breath-- i am resentful that i get nothing in return. i rebel. i stop giving, talking, caring. i recoil from my loved one as if they were a hot flame. i love real, and i love deep. i love people that have have hurt and deserted me.... sometimes years after the last time i had seen or spoken to them. but that's me. i will try to be who i am supposed to be until i die. but that doesn't erase the fact that i am no better than anyone else. i have hurt and deserted those i love too. self preservation maybe. but what's to say that isn't the reason they did what they did to me.

i even betray myself. my everything. i have forgotten how to live, how to be myself--even who i am, or want to be. i have forgotten how to be true to myself.
perhaps i am selfish. perhaps i try to find myself through others--and when i am let down, i am just let down that --"they didn't complete me."
but , dammit-- it's not their responsibility to save me.

i am lost--and cannot find myself. i'm not the wife i once was, not the mother i once was, not the friend i once was. where did that woman go. will she ever return. and how will that happen?
or am i doomed to who i have become. a stranger to myself and others.

that's it outta me. i am nothin but a ramblin fool today.

i did however get a very full night sleep last night. and ya know what? a dear friend of mine chose ME to talk to during a crisis and broken heart last night. so maybe i'm not such a waste afterall. i just have some work to do. maybe.

anyhow-- maybe i will update later about the soulkid visit. i hope it goes well. i hope the sun comes out and the wind doesn't blow. i hope we all keep our moods and attitudes in check.

and i hope you ALL have happy days in your worlds today...
cuz you know -- i try.

i spose i shall hit my taxes again... someday i'll have em finished--and hopefully before the deadline. ugh.

ps-- no before and after pix like i was plannin on... but my showers now have tile !!!! woo hoo! 24 hours from now they will be grouted and finished. all for a mere 250.00. ugh. but my kid will no longer be allowed in my bedroom.. and that alone could save her little life. i'll post pix of the completed projects.

maybe i'll take pix today with the soul-fam too. depending on what we find to do with ourselves.

later peeps.

what is "strength" maybe i used to know

mornin folks-- well for those of you who are up-- which prolly isn't many at 6 on a saturday mornin. i actually got up at five but it took me that long to see. :)) man i felt rough. if any of you have gone this long without sleeping-- or at least sleeping a few hours a night--n you know what i mean.
i did my morning ritual of lettin dogs out, makin coffee, findin some socks fo m mtried to download a song, and signin in to blogger. of course, it couldn't be that easy, not for me anyhow. noop. the dog barked, the c0ffee pot leaked, i couldn't find my slippers-so am wearing socks. i started to post-- and first couldn't think of what to write-- then when i started--- i fell asleep--now my coffee is cold= and i have to get UP for more. i don't wana.
sooo anyhow--

daaaaamn, i'm tired. i just fell asleep- again.--or woke up, however ya wanna look at it.
i'm just really havin a hard time with the sleep thing lately. ya know it pretty much started -- this time-- when soulkid went to rehab. i wonder now if her being gone-- and never callin us-- has something to do with it. separation anxiety?? she has always been glued to my hip- y'all know that. her being gone, and the worry of life when she comes home. yep, that would do it. don't ya think??

well.. that and the fact that we have a new gal in our group thing. she's about to have a baby -- any second. literally. she was having contractions in group yesterday--- and the night before . i was waitin for her to go into labor right there in group. ugh. me and pregnant women, and babies, -- just not my thing ya know. it's a "trigger" for me. i can usually avoid that. at least pregnant women. i can leave. babies? i can leave. group? i can't just up and leave. so wednesday and friday i was trapped in group with not only a very pregnant woman--- but also a pregnant woman who had lost a baby just less than a year before now. she got pregnant three months after her loss. she talked about things on wednesday-- the first day i met her. some things i felt i could help her with--- but the one thing that really pisses me off--- in a strange sort of way-- not an anger that i want to take it out on anyone.. just a anger at MY life. the way things go for ME.

when i lost my second son... i was still pregnant. i found out he was a boy--- then i found out he would most likely not survive-- due to multiple birth defects-- which included limbs, and internal organs. i was almost six months pregnant-- about 5 and a half. "we had to make a decision".. fast. before "it" would no longer be an option.
the irony of it? the same thing happened to them. same day they found out it was a girl-- was the same day that they found out it wouldn't make it.

that isn't what makes me angry though. here's what does.
i begged the doctors...and there were many by this time. i begged them, and my normal obgyn who would have delivered the baby... i begged everyone who would listen to me.... to induce labor-- he was big enough. he was developed...i would have a memory. i would have a face. i would be able to hold my son--- even though i was going to lose him. even tho he may have been stillborn, like hers. but it all would have been different,. i may have had closure. i would have had a body to bury. a place to go visit . so much would be different today. but they wouldn't do that for me, or for soulman. we would never look at our sons face. we would never have a special place to go talk to him. it was -- it is all so unnatural. a parent isn't supposed to lose their children. that is so backwards. it isn't sposed to happen that way.
i know it happens to other people. a lot more than i ever realized until i talked about it on here . it happens a lot.
but i have yet to hear someone tell my story. that's ok tho...i wouldn't wish it on anyone. i have not and may never recover from what happened in my situation.

but in hers, the gal in group. they induced her labor, she held her baby, her husband held the baby, they have pictures of their baby . they see her face whenever they want to. they have her ashes. they have the closure--- the ability to let her go.

not the guilt of having to go against their morals and do something tragic to the baby and the mom. not the lonliness and questions of no face for the name. for a while he didn't even have a name. or a face.

this couple will most likely be bringing home a baby boy this weekend. a baby that will close the chapter of their loss. there will be a baby in the nursery. the cries won't be imagined anymore. a baby to hold and to love and to teach, and to worry about.

and here i am , once again jealous--angry, sad. for me. not for them. i hope they are happy and the power of the sadness of losing the other baby fades and turns to joy. it canhappen. i have seen it--in other people.
just not in myself.

someone else that many of us know and love went through this--and soon afterwards, she was ready to try again. she will have a baby soon. a boy. a healthy happy boy. i know she will be a good mom too. because she has a good mom. and it takes a good, strong, woman to do what these women have done.

people tell me i'm strong. no i'm not. i am avoidant. if strong is not talking about something. if strong is quitting-- by getting my tubes tied six weeks after such a thing. if strong is making my life in a way that i won't have to face situations-- such as babies..my own or someone elses. if strong is running from conflict-- looking away from baby billboards, anti abortion billboards and signs, having nightmares, being unable to stay sane or sober through "anniversary" dates of the baby-- and never letting go of a guilt that should not even be mine. then sure i'll take strong. but i'm not. i'm no where near strong. i may wear a mask of strong for the outside world to see---IF i face the outside world at all.

but strong , in this situation, is taking control. saying goodbye to who is gone, but keeping their memory alive--in a special way. strong is getting healthy and being willing to try again. to take those risks, and run all the way with it.

not hide. lie. deny.
not be jealous or afraid, or angry.
not feel betrayed by God. a God who saves sick babies who would have no life. or whos death --- or even life on machines -- may destroy that entire family with guilt and worry.

strong people, don't live a life like i do. strong people trust people, God and their families. strong people love without conviction. strong people love without worrying about perceived consequences of betrayal or loss.

i am not strong. i have survived loss like no one should but many do. i've lost children, parents, friends, and family. and it has all but paralyzed me.... it actually does paralyze me at times.

i am not strong, i am an angry, sad person. some days i just hide it well. of course some days are better than others. but not enough to say that i am anything but a scared person who cannot--or is not willing to live life like God intended. he took two children from me--- for a reason. unfortunately-- i am too closed off to hear that reason. i don't want to hear his reasoning, i don't even want him to apologize-- although i don't know how he would. maybe with grandbabies for me to love and spoil. but by then, i will be a cripple--or dead. how much will i be able to do with grandbabies--IF they come at the right time. (my kid is 15-- i dont want new babies just yet.)

anyways-- i had been just starting to sleep again at night--until wednesday when i met this pregnant girl, and heard her story. i haven't slept since---- until last night. and that was probably because i cried all damn day. strong? no. not me.

alive? surviving? sure. i'll take it. weak as a winter branch...
sure -- i'll take that one.

there's two young women out there who will never forget the tragedy of their loss...
but they had the strength to do it again, and they will be wonderful mothers, and women for it.


well, yall.. this post came from nowhere... so i'm shuttin up.
it's prolly another i should just delete. but i wont-- cuz this is my page, and i won't delete anymore posts here-- for someone else.

i have to live for me. not the past-- not for what someone may think. or feel.
this is a place for my own thoughts and feelings. and this is where they should stay.

happy satahday to you

my tile fairy is coming back to fix the shower walls today. yippee.