IT'S THE UGLY SOUL SHIRT !bought on a whim... in october. which when i came to my senses a couple days later, i was gonna take back and exchange.. remember it? well guess what? i failed to mention, that while trying to find something to wear one day near christmas-- i saw it.. staring at me, unworn, still hanging in my closet. alone and forgotten.
is it really as ugly as i think it is? cuz it's too late to take it back now. i still find it hideous. who taught me how to shop, i wonder.
so anyhow-- i know i said i wasn't gonna post- i think i'll just-- take the pressure off and post if i feel like it. or if i have time. i really accomplished a lot of stuff that i just could not motivate to do, yesterday. i even fished - for a short while. didn't catch anything, but being outside was real nice. but lately-- like the last couple weeks, i waste litterally hours, sittin here trying to write. and that's not how i like to do things. if it comes it comes.. if not-- i aint gonna force it.
i really do need a break, but i need y'all too. so i'm in the middle somewhere. i reckon i'll just be around here and there... eventually i'll be caught up on my life, and my family, and maybe if i'm really lucky, i just might get interesting to read again .
this is our year y'all. so many of us struggled this passed year. really, most of us did. this is our year to regain control, and take our lives back. circumstances are hard to change, and lessons are hard to learn... but the outcome is ultimately up to us. we can't save anyone, we can't change anyone. we can only do the next right thing.
this year, in 2009-- i'm giving up the guilt. i'm giving up the responsibility of others feelings and actions. and i'm gonna stand at the helm again. i have been beat like a mule this passed several months, and nearly gave up. i did give up. but i won't stay in this pit forever. i'm stronger than this. i'm stronger than "circumstances". i'm stronger than woh i've become; letting people bully me. letting sadness take over my spirit. that shit's over...
i won't surrender to this. i can't let it destroy me...or my family any more.
today, i'm gettin of my ass and puttin christmas in a box-- again. and if christmas never comes again, it will be too soon. but lookin at it all just stare at me, makes it worse, and harder to motivate to get it outta here.
things that have happened to and with my family this past while have crippled me in many ways. but i will rise and walk again. i lost many battles this passed year-- but the war is not over yet... so i still have a chance. i also have a lot to stay in the fight for.
ya know what i want to do ? aside from the obvious that is.
some days i honestly think that i just want to sleep-- until i die. just xanax it up ya know. sleep-- wake up-- take pills -- sleep-- and let the cycle continue-- until whatever happens happen.
i know that living with people-- sleeping around the clock will eventually land ya in a hospital-- unless thay are totally neglectful-- and mine is not. but that thought does cross my mind. nice escape tactic eh? well... not really.
alcoholics anonymous says--
"we will not regret the past , nor wish to shut the door on it."
meaning we learn from our mistakes, then we move the hell on, and --do the next right thing.
i have felt that way before. i did accept my past, my now, and whatever came my way. just not this time. not for a long time. but if i had it before-- it has to still be there somewhere, right?
somewhere beneath or behind all the anger, and rage, and self pity . not to mention the guilt and self blame. i let some vortex of negativity eat me alive this past year. then my family for desert.
well, i've had enough. today, i am reclaiming my life. one priority at a time.
i need to wake each day and be glad that i woke up. one day, i won't.
i need to just do what i'm supposed to do, and the rest will fall into place. at least that's what i've heard.
so ayhow-- we get to see soulkid today-- for three whole hours, on a pass. i hope it will be good. we miss her. but we can't beat sobriety into her. she has to want it..she has to live it.. she has to grab on with both hands and learn everything all over again. we can support her, and love her, and be here for her. but her sobriety is her deal. i cannot be responsible for her using-- or staying clean. not anymore than anyone else is responsible for my sobriety.
i can drink anytime i want to-- i just don't want to. well-- i do. but i can't. not if i want a normal life, and a healthy daughter. so-- that's where i'm at today.
just doing the next right thing. whatever it is in front of me. whether it be dishes, takin the christmas shit down. visiting my daughter. staying sober -- one more day. or digging myself out
of these pits i find myself in. i can only do what i can do for me. anybody else-- they can do what they can do for them. but me playing God, well, it's just too much. and he doesn't need a wife-- so, my place is here. not in my head.. not in some far away "happy place", not curled up alone and hiding in bed. not drugging myself to sleep 18 hours a day.
so. i'm gonna get UP and pretend to be alive again. i'm gonna clean house, get some groceries, see my child, tell her i love her, and i'll just go from there.
19 comments:
"Just doing the next right thing"... I like that and am going to try to live by that, too. Good stuff, Soul.
That is one ugly shirt;)
LOL thanks-- i'll be sure to send it for your next birthday.. :))
happy weekend girlie-
This is the most inspiring post I've read in a very long time. The only thing any of us can really do is 'the next right thing'.
I missed you. I'm so happy to see you back. :) You and your family are never far from my thoughts. HUGS! xoxoxoxo ac
Soul, you are awesome. Don't ever let anyone or anything make you think you're not. "..doing the next right thing" is the most inspiring mantra I've heard in years. Thanks for sharing it with us.
The shirt still looks like old time wallpaper to me. Not ugly just not wearable.
Hugs to my LBF.
hi you two-- i'm on my way out to go wet a line-- screw the tree AND the dishes-- there's a bass with my name on him, and i have to go get my first fish of the new year.
i wish i could claim that next right thing line--
but it's not mine--
i heard it in an AA meeting once-- but i too, always liked it.
later folks--
have happy days today-
the shirt-- LOL
that AND the skull shoes LOL
i want a birthday list from all a y'all asap.
someones in for a treat !
byeeeeeeeeee
Now THIS is the Soul Sis I know and love!!!
JOSIEEEEE
I MISSED YOU !!!!!!!!!
i hope you're happy !!!
Atta girl, Soul-friend. Life can be a struggle but think of it this way....if everything was ALWAYS perfect....we'd be BORED! Right? Big hugs and you ARE awesome!
oh yes....a p.s.
Can't you take the shirt back now and say it was a gift? I think you can. Its not like you're doing anything dishonest....its brand new!
One day at a time, right? I'm glad to see you here. Do it your way. And you fished! Very cool. Only in Texas, or away from my coast anyway.
And Josie commented. How cool!
That's the spirit Soul...you're going to make it, you are, and so will all your family. It's all worth the fight and we'll all be here cheering you on all the way.
hey charlotte-- you posted at 333 :))
and i may try that-- still has the tags on it. hmmm. :))
hope your weekend is runnin smoothly
i seem to have hit a speedbump today-- but i also caught a fish.. so i'll call it even and call it a night.
:))
hey cheryl-- are you freezin? sposed to get cold here tomorrow-- and i am not lookin forward to it-- if it does i hope it doesn't last long. so far it has been some pretty decent weather out here. this last two days i coulda worn shorts! wish i did today -- it was a scorcher! :))
and what was that? one hell at a time? :))
yep-- one day at a time, any more than that chokes me.
actually lately i think its one minute at a time.
hope you and your kid are doing good.
oh and YES-- haven't seen joz in forever-- very cool
gypsy---
you have your own cheering section out here too -- don't forget that.
and thanks for bein part of my angel collection :))
big hugs to you out there in aussie land-- i hope you are feeling good today.
i got christmas back in the box today-- i'm on a roll .. woo hoo-
hey that sounds like a sandwich!!
a soul roll
hmmm
what would be on that??
why FISH of course. right?
i'm goin ta bed--
i'll chase y'all down tomorrow-
g'night
o da lay,
YAY to hear you sounding so full of spit and vinegar:) Pass some of that my way.
Where's the fishy picture?
Send me those damn skull shoes ,you slorch! Those things have MY name all over them. Uh...you should make the shirt your lucky fishing shirt.
Oh yeah ,send me your dang phone number again, everything in my cell got wiped out.ack!
Go see your cute nephews on me blog.
tell your child hello and that we love her too:)
What's yer POD?
Mr. Landlord is coming to fix our sink .....gah that means I must clean up this sty.
love me
odalay smocha-
i thought it was - piss and vinegar-?
or is the girlie version spit? it works. it is rather inconvenient to pee like a girl. much easier to spit eh? no stripping, no squatting, no grass on the ass.. or ticks and chiggers ! ugh.
i've so outgrown that peein in the woods thing. :))
good thing i can hold it for a long time. not as long as i used to-- but i do ok.
yep unfortunately your boys are about the age they'll be making excuses NOT to come see you on holidays. and wont that suck. i am glad they and y'all did manage to survive this one apart tho-- it's a good start.
we had a good christmas-- but it sucked at the same time. you know the drill. normally, it woulda been mommasons turn to9 have us there.. instead-- y'all are out of the country-- the boys on the other side of the country.. and our own kid was only allotted a few hours with us. i swear it wasn't worth decorating for-- not to me-- but the "kids" liked it:))
it was ok.. but you know me. if i coulda blinked and missed it? i woulda paid for it.
i'm just glaaaad it's ovah-- and now it just needs to get hauled back to storage... aaaaahhhhh.
then i have another year--- just to see if anything changes. one of these days my inner child will be born again, and wrap stinky cheese under the tree, and guess presents. and not worry about how too big the tree is for the house and animals. it will just unfold and be here and be happy without thinkin about it-- the way it's sposed to be. at least i hope so.
we see the child again tonight-- i shall tell her what you said.
yesterday was-- well, tasking...to say the least.
lets hope today is better.
don't you love landlords??
i'm so glad soulman can fix crap around the house. especially when we rent! in the last two weeks or so-- he had to remove, clear and replace the drain pipe in the kitchen-- then just i think yesterday or the day before he had to remove and replace the kitchen sink cuz it quit puttin out water!
can you believe that crap--- it has literally been one damn thing after another with this place! but by him knowing how to fix plumbing, and other not too major things-- we just buy parts and take it off the rent. good thing too.. sometimes the crap aint cheap. he never charges labor tho-- it's worth it just to keep the landlords out of here :))
then of course i play exterminator and very minor fixer upper-- only charge for parts and chemicals. so far all that has cost em to actually send someone-- out of the multitude of soul house hell crap-- is he heat an ac probs-- maybe five times over the last year -- ugh. and did i mention the last time, recently-- they were different guys, but said the ones before-- with the broken arm, who stole my flashlight--and charged over two grand in parts----
did NOT change the parts????
i told her-- i hope she gets her money back. i don't know if she knows how. i may have to give her gran gran lessons. :))
ok, now i have a cramp in my hand--
happy sunday--- i need coffay
That's my girl!!!
xo
You go girl! You're a tough girl, you'll rise above all the challenges. That shirt isn't that bad. Wear it as a coat with a white Tee inside and roll up the sleeves, you'll look good!
you're a good momma. I like what you said about loving her..it's so true..enabling is hard not to do, but loving someone is very easy..
I hope you're wearing that shirt somewhere. :)
Love u,
E
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