Mornin people.
I just attempted to reset the google thing. I guess it used to be google reader but now it's something else. Yes, i have been away too long. Anyhow.. If someone wants to tell me what's up with all that , i'd appreciate the help.
so, yep, looks like i'm back. or at least attempting to be. i know i owe you all a visit -- or a million. i will be making my rounds - as best i can. from the looks of things , facebook has taken over. i look at my sidebar and most haven't posted a blog in 6 months to over a year . that's too bad. i hope that when i start cruising around i find that more of you are keeping up.
believe it or not, i still, through all the time and distance, think of all of you. even the ones that i don't interact with at all anymore. it isn't like someone killed anyone or something. there is still a place in my heart and mind for every one of ya. and i don't really mind how you feel , or what if anything you do about that. i just want you to know that i haven't forgotten about you. and also, even though communication, in the traditional, or even - facebook, or blog way -- has been slim pickins ---- you all in your own way , --- something you said to me , or a way you made me feel at some point in time --- literally saved my life in this passed couple years. i could have easily given up. a thousand times over - i could have just thrown in the towel. but i didn't.
maybe it was 'your story'.. a loss of your own. maybe it was a word or a thousand of encouragement you had given me in the past -- or even at the time i needed it ... during a situation i was in at the time. even simple as during a game of words with friends --- something that made me laugh /// it may have been the only laugh for me in a full week, at that time. maybe it was a prayer you said -- or even just that you said you would pray for me. you gave me HOPE, in some way. no matter how big or how small... that hope , turned to faith, and that faith turned into my being alive today.
you helped me heal. you helped me forgive. you helped me love. you helped me live.
you have only a fraction of information of what i have been going through for the last couple years. but as i write here, you may learn more -- or maybe we can just move forward together.
just know that you never left ... i never left really either. i always thought of you, prayed for you, and wanted the best for you. i cheered you on when i saw struggles and joy on any posts online - weather you knew it or not. and in my darkest hour i heard you whisper to me that i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me .... in my toughest times i heard you remind me that i am a survivor -- and nothing will keep me down.
"when i put before you life and death ... choose life"
i did that.
i'm glad i did.
for once, in many many years, i am happy to be alive. i am happy that i have you and others in my life. for the good times and the bad.
today, i know the difference between being sad for a while, and letting myself sink into a deep depression. lately i am sad , because i lost my pets. and i had a tough few weeks. we got the ashes of Sushi and Jitterbug back yesterday... we will have closure soon, and move on.
my gratitude list today is far better than my "attitude' list. i could easily be angry and resentful. and bitter right now, over many things.... one in particular , that i could throat punch someone over :)) ---- but nope.... my life has much good in it today -- many good people in it, and i will go on, because that is what people who LOVE me want for me.
i hope you all have a happy happy happy day today in your worlds -
i will see you soon...
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Sunday, November 3, 2013
i'm up noooowwwww - part two
well well well - for bein only part two of a post for today - y'all sure have a lot of reading to do :)) i think there's four or five posts up just from this morning. so - don't miss any.
anyhow -- where do i begin? where did i leave off? i don't even know. yup -- that much hasn't changed :)) i still can't remember nuthin.
i guess i have posted enough 'background info' though for the day that i can just go ahead and give ya a 'quick' - if that's possible - rundown , of the recent past.
whaddaya want first?
the good? bad? or ugly?
there has of course been all of the above. how bout some GOOD first?
i got a dog. most of you know that , but for those who don't? i did ! i got a service dog. i got her in March, when she was just a puppy. she is a Cane Corso. I have done 90 + percent of her training. i have had help at some classes with her obedience, but I have done ALL of her socialization by myself. she has flown in the cabin of an airplane at my feet, she goes to the movies with me, she goes to restaurants almost daily, she goes 'shopping' , anywhere, and everywhere i go - she goes.
and she is not a small dog. she is pushin over 90 pounds right now. and is getting bigger. :)) she will grow to somewhere between 110-125 -- just no one knows how big she will get. her heart is just as big as her body. her birthday is 12-26-12. she just turned 10 months old , so is still a puppy.
i call her hunny alot -- she is my hunny badger :)) crazy little thing.
she makes me smile , and laugh, and get out of bed - and leave the house... and everyone , when we are out just has to talk and ask questions, so i am forced to speak to people. agoraphobia? what agoraphobia? social anxiety? what is that? i still get nervous - don't get me wrong. but this dog has changed my LIFE/ and my WORLD.
the family got pups too. Malenois pups. a male and a female. the female is Aza , the male is Tuco. yes, from Breaking Bad :)) they both came from Holland , but from different breeders. so no, they aren't related. they are the same breed of dog that our dog Eevie 'was'. and they are both insane. very high strung . it's the breed. and why i chose the corso. my dog is sooo chill. she loves to play with the other pups, but when it's time to be quiet, have coffee, or be in puplic .. you don't even know there's a dog there. unless of course ya want to.
tuco
Aza
some of ya know i quit smoking -- finally. yup - still quit. mothers day - will, hopefully, be 2 years. i use an electronic cig -- so yep - i admit , still hooked on the nicotine . but not smoking. i haven't had bronchitis or strep throat since i quit. and y'all know that was a chronic thing for me when i was smokin three packs a day. i really do like the e-cig. and i was one of the lucky ones -- i was able to quit real cigs in 24 hours ! with it.
oh and what else ? you will laugh at this -- i am now a proud member of the red hat ladies !!!technically i am what they call a pink hat - cuz i am under 50. but it is so fun. and the ladies are wonderful.
ok - i am runnin out of time -- cuz believe it or not -- i have to go somewhere :))
so -- i have some bad news to leave you with .. but it's been a week , as of tomorrow. a lot of you know - some may not -- but we lost two of our babies last monday. yes , on the same day. what a nightmare. hubby and i weren't even here to help with soulkid to handle the two trips to different vets. but we were about between an hour - hour and a half away , when soulkid called to say Sushi, our min pin, was very sick. we headed home, she took her to the vet. (sushi died on the exam table, she had a breathing attack and asperated).
by the time she got home - Jitterbug , our oldest cat, the fat torty, was lying on the floor , not moving. she took her to the emergency vet.
we had to see and pay for sushi first, then went to where danielle-soulkid was with jitty. once we got the rundown, and saw her -- the decision... a word i HATE - was made that she be let go.
neither of them had a chance.
both are being cremated, and we will take them to Arkansas where my sons are.. we will bury them there.
on that note -- i have to go.
i hope life has been good to you all. it may not sound like it in some of the things i have said .. but overall... life is good today. i have a life. and as you know, there have been times that i couldn't have said that.
anyhow -- where do i begin? where did i leave off? i don't even know. yup -- that much hasn't changed :)) i still can't remember nuthin.
i guess i have posted enough 'background info' though for the day that i can just go ahead and give ya a 'quick' - if that's possible - rundown , of the recent past.
whaddaya want first?
the good? bad? or ugly?
there has of course been all of the above. how bout some GOOD first?
i got a dog. most of you know that , but for those who don't? i did ! i got a service dog. i got her in March, when she was just a puppy. she is a Cane Corso. I have done 90 + percent of her training. i have had help at some classes with her obedience, but I have done ALL of her socialization by myself. she has flown in the cabin of an airplane at my feet, she goes to the movies with me, she goes to restaurants almost daily, she goes 'shopping' , anywhere, and everywhere i go - she goes.
and she is not a small dog. she is pushin over 90 pounds right now. and is getting bigger. :)) she will grow to somewhere between 110-125 -- just no one knows how big she will get. her heart is just as big as her body. her birthday is 12-26-12. she just turned 10 months old , so is still a puppy.
i call her hunny alot -- she is my hunny badger :)) crazy little thing.
she makes me smile , and laugh, and get out of bed - and leave the house... and everyone , when we are out just has to talk and ask questions, so i am forced to speak to people. agoraphobia? what agoraphobia? social anxiety? what is that? i still get nervous - don't get me wrong. but this dog has changed my LIFE/ and my WORLD.
the family got pups too. Malenois pups. a male and a female. the female is Aza , the male is Tuco. yes, from Breaking Bad :)) they both came from Holland , but from different breeders. so no, they aren't related. they are the same breed of dog that our dog Eevie 'was'. and they are both insane. very high strung . it's the breed. and why i chose the corso. my dog is sooo chill. she loves to play with the other pups, but when it's time to be quiet, have coffee, or be in puplic .. you don't even know there's a dog there. unless of course ya want to.
tuco
Aza
some of ya know i quit smoking -- finally. yup - still quit. mothers day - will, hopefully, be 2 years. i use an electronic cig -- so yep - i admit , still hooked on the nicotine . but not smoking. i haven't had bronchitis or strep throat since i quit. and y'all know that was a chronic thing for me when i was smokin three packs a day. i really do like the e-cig. and i was one of the lucky ones -- i was able to quit real cigs in 24 hours ! with it.
oh and what else ? you will laugh at this -- i am now a proud member of the red hat ladies !!!technically i am what they call a pink hat - cuz i am under 50. but it is so fun. and the ladies are wonderful.
ok - i am runnin out of time -- cuz believe it or not -- i have to go somewhere :))
so -- i have some bad news to leave you with .. but it's been a week , as of tomorrow. a lot of you know - some may not -- but we lost two of our babies last monday. yes , on the same day. what a nightmare. hubby and i weren't even here to help with soulkid to handle the two trips to different vets. but we were about between an hour - hour and a half away , when soulkid called to say Sushi, our min pin, was very sick. we headed home, she took her to the vet. (sushi died on the exam table, she had a breathing attack and asperated).
by the time she got home - Jitterbug , our oldest cat, the fat torty, was lying on the floor , not moving. she took her to the emergency vet.
we had to see and pay for sushi first, then went to where danielle-soulkid was with jitty. once we got the rundown, and saw her -- the decision... a word i HATE - was made that she be let go.
neither of them had a chance.
both are being cremated, and we will take them to Arkansas where my sons are.. we will bury them there.
on that note -- i have to go.
i hope life has been good to you all. it may not sound like it in some of the things i have said .. but overall... life is good today. i have a life. and as you know, there have been times that i couldn't have said that.
FOUND IN DRAFT FILE - written?) posted 11/3/13
greetings, and salutations ! how have y'all been out there in your worlds? i hope life has been good to you ALL. some of you i have an idea of what's been goin on , but others, nope -- i have lost total contact with you. others, i 'see' on face book now and again, but rarely if ever do we exchange comments. as for reading your blogs -- if you even keep one going anymore? nope , i haven't been there.
i have had a tough go of things in my world for a long while here. things have gone back and forth with me, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. and so forth. for quite some time. i only recently am able to say that i feel some stability in my life. ooooh. i think i'll say that again. i feel some stability in my life !!!!! yay ! i feel almost like my old self again. i was at a point that i thought that person was long gone. never to return. maybe she is? maybe we never go back.. and maybe that's good. but i am able to say, i at least feel normal. alive. human. sane. comfortable in my skin. like i have a reason to breathe, and get dressed, and shower, and eat.
i didn't for the longest time. i felt foreign to just be alive. it was absolutely unbearable to be awake, and breathing. to think was a chore. to sleep was a major task. to function was torture. to live was impossible. i crawled into my mind and i stayed there. for months. until, well until i went a little bit crazy in there. there wasn't enough room up there for me and my own thoughts. talk about the angel and the devil on your shoulders? try havin em battle in your head on a constant basis.
i think i learned how truly crazy people get the ideas of angels and demons being them or talking to them. cuz man i tell ya ... it was me battling good and evil thoughts -- all the time. but that's what it was... thoughts. live vs die. anxiety vs peace. run vs. stay. scream vs silence. ask for help vs do it alone. call out for God - or give into myself. constantly constantly. it was awful. so awful. i got to a point where all i did was pray . just pray. even when all i knew what to say was Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, over and over and over again. until one day something in me changed. i woke up and instead of praying for God to let me die -- i asked him to bless my family, and friends .. yeh, friends! and to help me make it through that day! that day turned into another - and another -- then i went outside -- then i began to meet people.... then i began to talk to people -- then i began to eat with people --- now i have people in my life i call my friends! real live walking talking people. not ones that only live in my computer. :))
my world is getting bigger. and y'all are still in it. i let ya fade into the background, but you were always here. without you i never would have never made it through this last bought of depression, and self loathing. world loathing even. i don't know that i have ever been to a point that low in my life. and i have been low. y'all know i isolate. i'm good at it. but ooooh so bad.
i have had a tough go of things in my world for a long while here. things have gone back and forth with me, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. and so forth. for quite some time. i only recently am able to say that i feel some stability in my life. ooooh. i think i'll say that again. i feel some stability in my life !!!!! yay ! i feel almost like my old self again. i was at a point that i thought that person was long gone. never to return. maybe she is? maybe we never go back.. and maybe that's good. but i am able to say, i at least feel normal. alive. human. sane. comfortable in my skin. like i have a reason to breathe, and get dressed, and shower, and eat.
i didn't for the longest time. i felt foreign to just be alive. it was absolutely unbearable to be awake, and breathing. to think was a chore. to sleep was a major task. to function was torture. to live was impossible. i crawled into my mind and i stayed there. for months. until, well until i went a little bit crazy in there. there wasn't enough room up there for me and my own thoughts. talk about the angel and the devil on your shoulders? try havin em battle in your head on a constant basis.
i think i learned how truly crazy people get the ideas of angels and demons being them or talking to them. cuz man i tell ya ... it was me battling good and evil thoughts -- all the time. but that's what it was... thoughts. live vs die. anxiety vs peace. run vs. stay. scream vs silence. ask for help vs do it alone. call out for God - or give into myself. constantly constantly. it was awful. so awful. i got to a point where all i did was pray . just pray. even when all i knew what to say was Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, over and over and over again. until one day something in me changed. i woke up and instead of praying for God to let me die -- i asked him to bless my family, and friends .. yeh, friends! and to help me make it through that day! that day turned into another - and another -- then i went outside -- then i began to meet people.... then i began to talk to people -- then i began to eat with people --- now i have people in my life i call my friends! real live walking talking people. not ones that only live in my computer. :))
my world is getting bigger. and y'all are still in it. i let ya fade into the background, but you were always here. without you i never would have never made it through this last bought of depression, and self loathing. world loathing even. i don't know that i have ever been to a point that low in my life. and i have been low. y'all know i isolate. i'm good at it. but ooooh so bad.
i'm up nowwwww - part one -
so anyhow. where was i ? oh yeh --- i just remembered , i had a little of this post saved to draft from last night - so lemmee see if or how i can retrieve that --
ok-- i found it -- so below is what i started to write last night before i got too tired ----
damn, time flies when ya get a life. i just noticed it's been almost a year since i posted last. not intentionally, just kinda turned out that way. my life got really very boring, and aside from that, no one was comin around to read or keep me motivated by commenting. i know my own lack of enthusiasm didn't help anything... but with no comments, it just all kinda fizzled out. and so did i.
facebook has helped me keep in touch with most of you, and oh i appreciate that . i almost lost all of you. i did lose some. thank God, not all. because even though many of us met through these pages -- you have left footprints on my soul that will never leave.
i will accept my part in any destruction in 'our' relationship issues. but please, if it was due to my isolation, give me a chance to try to make it right. in most if not all cases - i have already begun reach out and make amends- .
even in the most 'damaged' relationship - there is light, after a very long 'separation' . and that makes me happy. i think there is some trust issues on both sides at this point, but it's early. it's to be expected. and that's ok. it's all ok with me.
if it's ok with y'all. i'm still the same soul i was before. maybe even a little better in some ways. i guess i sure can't be any worse, right?
so anyhow -- i know i am already babblin like a brook. i haven't written anything longer than a facebook post since i wrote on here last. not for lack of desire. just -- i don't know -- writers block? nothin to say? no one to say it to? not a thing goin on worth writing about? well, that last part isn't entirely true. i have actually been very busy lately. and there has been a ton of stuff i could have been writin about -- for months. i really wish i would have been writing. there's been a million things goin on this past year or so. good bad and indifferent. and it would have been great to share a lot of it with y'all.
i still want to write 'my book'. yep, that damned book. i think about that book so often this last couple years. i just don't know where or how to start. maybe i need a ghost writer. or someone to take dictation. uuughh. i don't know nuthin bout birthin no book ! :)) it will happen tho. someday, before i die, i will write my book.
so anyways -- speakin of not knowin how to start a book ---- i don't know how - or where to start this post either. i could start by telling you that this passed month has been , i'll bet, the worst, all around, physical, mental, and emotionally bad month , for me -- in a very long time. as in years , long time. starting maybe in the second week of October -- and it's still hard.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
do we have a date? dependeing on when i wake up - we can coffee here :))
and to begin? i will post a new blog entry tomorrow. 11-3-13
lots to catch up on, so bring coffee. i'll have mine.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
one foot in front of the other
hi folks --
hope y'all are having good days out there. i'm tryin. tryin to not allow myself to stagnate. i have been doing pretty good at that for a while lately. for some time though, i swear i was growing mold.
today, i am trying to not get resentful and angry about a few things. it isn't easy. i opened my kitchen blinds this morning -- that's something i haven't done in a while... for one thing, i had been away for over a week up until a few days ago, and another, i just sort of got out of the habit of -- well, nearly moving, much less opening the blinds! well, this morning i did, just before i -- get this ... cleaned my kitchen! :)) .. even after the disappointment that awaited me behind the blinds. what was it? you may be wondering... well there's a little back - story to it ... a few weeks ago, on night , me and soulman were sitting in the living room, it was dark outsided, and we could hear the kids next door in their yard playing. then we kept hearing what sounded like rocks hitting our kitchen window.. but every time he went out side to look they would hide! he or i, never did catch them throwing rocks, nor did we notice anything broken.
UNTIL this morning! i opened my blinds and noticed a big old broken/cracked bulls-eye type break in my kitchen window!! and it's not like we can replace a little panel. we have to replace the entire giant window -- IF we end up fixing it. oooooohhhh. it's taking a lot of back peddling for me -- every time i think about it. but i am just not gonna let myself get mad about something i know happened weeks ago. and that i cannot prove to anyone to make them pay for. it's on us to fix, so why get all ate up about it right? so .. this is like i was saying yesterday .. i am trying to get back to who i used to be -- back to the Soul - i used to be. yep.. shit happens, but i don't have to let it be huge and ruin my day. i just have to do the next right thing in front of me. so that's what i did. i finished my dishes, and the rest of the stuff i had to do .. and here i am .. and when i'm done here - i am gonna go out on this wonderfully unseasonably sunshine filled day and take care of some business :)) when i can assure you all, that even one week ago, i would have let that window ruin my day. i would have shut the blinds , sat back in my chair, and cancelled the day altogether. i would have sat there frown faced and angry until soulman came home from work and made sure to share my misery with him. unless i had to immediately text him and ruin his day even sooner .
i didn't do that.
i just wanted to jump in here and share that with y'all. i have been living in pure emotionally turmoil for a long while. i don't know why. but i do feel it changing.. i feel the tides- a - turnin. i guess i just want to let -- someone --- know --- if you are having a bad time of things ... even if it's every damn thing ... just hang in there -- cuz it won't last forever.
don't give up. it will get better.
even if you open your blinds and the window is cracked --- it's better than not opening the blinds at all :))
later y;'all
have happy days in your worlds today --- i will :))
hope y'all are having good days out there. i'm tryin. tryin to not allow myself to stagnate. i have been doing pretty good at that for a while lately. for some time though, i swear i was growing mold.
today, i am trying to not get resentful and angry about a few things. it isn't easy. i opened my kitchen blinds this morning -- that's something i haven't done in a while... for one thing, i had been away for over a week up until a few days ago, and another, i just sort of got out of the habit of -- well, nearly moving, much less opening the blinds! well, this morning i did, just before i -- get this ... cleaned my kitchen! :)) .. even after the disappointment that awaited me behind the blinds. what was it? you may be wondering... well there's a little back - story to it ... a few weeks ago, on night , me and soulman were sitting in the living room, it was dark outsided, and we could hear the kids next door in their yard playing. then we kept hearing what sounded like rocks hitting our kitchen window.. but every time he went out side to look they would hide! he or i, never did catch them throwing rocks, nor did we notice anything broken.
UNTIL this morning! i opened my blinds and noticed a big old broken/cracked bulls-eye type break in my kitchen window!! and it's not like we can replace a little panel. we have to replace the entire giant window -- IF we end up fixing it. oooooohhhh. it's taking a lot of back peddling for me -- every time i think about it. but i am just not gonna let myself get mad about something i know happened weeks ago. and that i cannot prove to anyone to make them pay for. it's on us to fix, so why get all ate up about it right? so .. this is like i was saying yesterday .. i am trying to get back to who i used to be -- back to the Soul - i used to be. yep.. shit happens, but i don't have to let it be huge and ruin my day. i just have to do the next right thing in front of me. so that's what i did. i finished my dishes, and the rest of the stuff i had to do .. and here i am .. and when i'm done here - i am gonna go out on this wonderfully unseasonably sunshine filled day and take care of some business :)) when i can assure you all, that even one week ago, i would have let that window ruin my day. i would have shut the blinds , sat back in my chair, and cancelled the day altogether. i would have sat there frown faced and angry until soulman came home from work and made sure to share my misery with him. unless i had to immediately text him and ruin his day even sooner .
i didn't do that.
i just wanted to jump in here and share that with y'all. i have been living in pure emotionally turmoil for a long while. i don't know why. but i do feel it changing.. i feel the tides- a - turnin. i guess i just want to let -- someone --- know --- if you are having a bad time of things ... even if it's every damn thing ... just hang in there -- cuz it won't last forever.
don't give up. it will get better.
even if you open your blinds and the window is cracked --- it's better than not opening the blinds at all :))
later y;'all
have happy days in your worlds today --- i will :))
Friday, February 8, 2013
someone told me i'm still alive -- --
yep - it's true - so , i reckon i should act like it. some days i sure don't feel very alive. or maybe i should say that i haven't felt alive, for quite some time. that is beginning to change. things have been so very difficult in my world lately. for many many months actually. i could go as far as to say close to a year. and i don't even know why, or how things got so out of hand. i could blame medications. changes. stopping. starting. too many. not enough. ugh. i hate taking meds. depending on meds to stay alive. or to move. or to sleep. or to feel normal. i went off my meds - anti depressants, pain meds , all of it , for a short while. after the horrid withdrawl, personally, i felt better than ever. until people around me began to say otherwise. what an upside down feeling that is -- when you feel and look good to yourself, and the very few people you interact with say 'you look clinically depressed'. WTF!? i didn't. i wasn't. my family said i looked and seemed ok. but a doctor - who apparently wanted to sell or keep me on meds, had the nerve to say THAT to me... it just threw me entirely into a downward spiral. i felt out of sync with the world. i didn't feel like i could trust anyone. not even myself or my own feelings, mind, or emotions. i got paranoid and thought everyone wanted me medicated and isolated. it tore me up inside.
this has been an awful struggle. of course i went back on meds. pain meds, i really can't function without. anti depressants i went back on.. more for the anxiety than anything else. anxiety like i had never experienced in my life. of course the steroids for the addisons disease -- the doctor actually CUT the dose of that, which surely didn't help matters any while under such stress... that has been raised back up to the regular dose... and vitamin D has been added. my vitamin D levels are Half of what a normal person has on the LOW end. ugh. i am a total mess.
BUT -- things are headed back to normal. whatever normal means.
i have threatened to divorce - or run away - or both. and even went as far as to 'run away' once or twice. neither time lasted for more than a few days. but i have been totally confused and lost for a while here. i have kept my faith in God , and in you all. knowing that neither will leave me. and that is what has kept me strong in believing that i will find my way back to myself and to my family ... i knew that 'SOUL" was still in me somewhere, and that i was being brought through some type of strong hard lesson, and would get to the other side --- eventually. the home front is a lot more stable and comfortable now as well.
once i learned that i was having medical issues , and not losing my mind, it made it much easier to handle, and gain patience. for me and my family. thank God for my husband and my daughter. they have been so good to me through these passed months. i have been nowhere easy to live with. they still see ME in me... when i cannot.
i'm learning to look at things as a blessing not a curse, and to remember the good and not focus on the bad. God seems to be 'growing me up". i see where i have failed him, and where i have left him. and i see now that nothing began to change for the better in or around me in these situations, until i reached out to Him again. i have been feeling so alone and isolated - and disconnected from everything and everybody - even myself , that i didn't know who i was, or feel like i fit or belonged anywhere. it has been the most horrible physical awful feeling i have ever experienced in my life. and y'all know i have felt pretty damn bad at times.
well, God didn't leave me, i left Him. i don't know when or why, or even how. but i know that it took a lot to get my attention, and a lot of pain to bring me back to him. but he is back and things are good in my life again. it's at least gettin that way. i still struggle with anxiety -- but nowhere near as horrible as it was .
funny thing about that? nothing really happened to make anything go bad -- and nothing really happened to bring it back around. it's all just been a God thing.
as usual, i make no sense .. i just wanted to check in, and let y'all know , i am alive, and facebook never has enough space for me to babble like i do.. so here it is if you care to see it.
i miss y;all . and i still think of each one of ya a lot.
have happy days in your worlds folks -- i plan to :))
this has been an awful struggle. of course i went back on meds. pain meds, i really can't function without. anti depressants i went back on.. more for the anxiety than anything else. anxiety like i had never experienced in my life. of course the steroids for the addisons disease -- the doctor actually CUT the dose of that, which surely didn't help matters any while under such stress... that has been raised back up to the regular dose... and vitamin D has been added. my vitamin D levels are Half of what a normal person has on the LOW end. ugh. i am a total mess.
BUT -- things are headed back to normal. whatever normal means.
i have threatened to divorce - or run away - or both. and even went as far as to 'run away' once or twice. neither time lasted for more than a few days. but i have been totally confused and lost for a while here. i have kept my faith in God , and in you all. knowing that neither will leave me. and that is what has kept me strong in believing that i will find my way back to myself and to my family ... i knew that 'SOUL" was still in me somewhere, and that i was being brought through some type of strong hard lesson, and would get to the other side --- eventually. the home front is a lot more stable and comfortable now as well.
once i learned that i was having medical issues , and not losing my mind, it made it much easier to handle, and gain patience. for me and my family. thank God for my husband and my daughter. they have been so good to me through these passed months. i have been nowhere easy to live with. they still see ME in me... when i cannot.
i'm learning to look at things as a blessing not a curse, and to remember the good and not focus on the bad. God seems to be 'growing me up". i see where i have failed him, and where i have left him. and i see now that nothing began to change for the better in or around me in these situations, until i reached out to Him again. i have been feeling so alone and isolated - and disconnected from everything and everybody - even myself , that i didn't know who i was, or feel like i fit or belonged anywhere. it has been the most horrible physical awful feeling i have ever experienced in my life. and y'all know i have felt pretty damn bad at times.
well, God didn't leave me, i left Him. i don't know when or why, or even how. but i know that it took a lot to get my attention, and a lot of pain to bring me back to him. but he is back and things are good in my life again. it's at least gettin that way. i still struggle with anxiety -- but nowhere near as horrible as it was .
funny thing about that? nothing really happened to make anything go bad -- and nothing really happened to bring it back around. it's all just been a God thing.
as usual, i make no sense .. i just wanted to check in, and let y'all know , i am alive, and facebook never has enough space for me to babble like i do.. so here it is if you care to see it.
i miss y;all . and i still think of each one of ya a lot.
have happy days in your worlds folks -- i plan to :))
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
here he is -- conrad - the new baby
isn't he somethin? i hope i get to see him soon. i still haven't met my great - niece. who is a year old now. now i have Conrad. the family is growing .. and it's hard to watch it grow without me.
Monday, December 17, 2012
so much - so little
hey peoples -- if there is any peoples left. i reckon i should apologize -- yet again - for not bein here for so long. i thought i would be writing again, as you could see from my last couple posts. BUT -- yeh, i know , "everything after 'but' is bullshit".. as i always say, BUT- i guess i'm known best for disappearing this last year or two. for that i am sorry. i know some of you worry. well, maybe not so much anymore. my fault. i know.
anyhow -- i'll start with some really great news -- my oldest nephew -- first of three-- is at this very moment - in florida, awaiting the birth of his first born.. a boy! his name is 'Conrad'.. i am so very happy for him and his lady. this is my second great aunt-ness :)) the first was a girl. her name is Hayden. she is a little over a year old now. she was born to the youngest nephew. guess the middle boy needs to get busy :)) but yeh,, i got on this darn computer hours ago - and i just can't peel myself off of it!!! afraid i might miss something. like the birth of Conrad. i want to see the photo of that little face the second it pops up on facebook !
now comes the whining ... sittin here is killing my back! yep, the pain still kicks my butt. i try my best to not complain... i have gotten better about it.. just sometimes i have to say it. 'i'm hurty'. it doesn't make any difference tho. some days are better than others, and for that i am grateful. so, like i said, i just do my best to not complain. i heard a tv preacher -- my favorite one actually.. Joel Osteen, say "Be positive, or be quiet". well, you can prolly imagine ... i'm pretty quiet sometimes.
my head isn't quiet much tho. y'all know how my head can be. i do work on that a lot. when i get negative.. i have been praying -- and praying some more. life has gotten pretty messy for me this last few months. i think a lot of it was the darn anti depressant withdrawal. i thought that was gonna kill me. seriously. it was so gawd awful physical. absolutely horrible. everything from electrical face zappy feelings, to some serious weight loss.. as if i needed that. i still don't have much of an appetite. i can't afford to lose anymore weight. if i were to get sick or something i'd be in some big trouble. none of my clothes fit me anymore. i wear a belt , and just look bad. oh and the anxiety and panic attacks are enough to make me think i'm gonna drop dead. i don't know what to do with myself.
i did however go back on prozac a couple or three weeks ago. i had to. not for depression, but for the anxiety. i couldn't stand it. it was physically impossible to tolerate. it has eased a bit.. maybe a lot. but i still have a problem with it, on a nearly daily basis. i don't know why. i just keep praying about it, and try to keep my mind off of things. like everything. i keep telling myself that maybe it's the Christmas, or December thing. i don't know if it is or not -- but whatever might buy me some time is good enough for me. it is very odd for me to be feeling this way right now -- because there is absolutely NO reason for it. and it isn't a 'mental' thing. my mind is ok. it is just a physical awful anxious, horrible 'state of being'. ugh.
other than that? my family is doing fine. soulkid just finished her second semester of college :)) we also just got her a new / used car. she had been driving a big ole gas guzzler- a nissan pathfinder that she could barely afford to drive to work and school. a couple weeks ago we found her a little VW beetle. she loves it. it's a nice little older car. a 2002. the price was right and it should last her several years. the pathfinder sold to the first caller . so that was good. barely broke even, but that's the market these days . at least my yard doesn't look like a used car lot.
anyhow --- i still think of all of you. i miss you all, and i miss writing. my mind has been elsewhere, and i just haven't felt like i could even write a complete sentence... i guess i was wrong. i can still babble looks like huh?
i hope you all are doing well and being happy in whatever you're doing .. have happy Christmas and New years -- and know i haven't forgotten any of you. i'm still here.
anyhow -- i'll start with some really great news -- my oldest nephew -- first of three-- is at this very moment - in florida, awaiting the birth of his first born.. a boy! his name is 'Conrad'.. i am so very happy for him and his lady. this is my second great aunt-ness :)) the first was a girl. her name is Hayden. she is a little over a year old now. she was born to the youngest nephew. guess the middle boy needs to get busy :)) but yeh,, i got on this darn computer hours ago - and i just can't peel myself off of it!!! afraid i might miss something. like the birth of Conrad. i want to see the photo of that little face the second it pops up on facebook !
now comes the whining ... sittin here is killing my back! yep, the pain still kicks my butt. i try my best to not complain... i have gotten better about it.. just sometimes i have to say it. 'i'm hurty'. it doesn't make any difference tho. some days are better than others, and for that i am grateful. so, like i said, i just do my best to not complain. i heard a tv preacher -- my favorite one actually.. Joel Osteen, say "Be positive, or be quiet". well, you can prolly imagine ... i'm pretty quiet sometimes.
my head isn't quiet much tho. y'all know how my head can be. i do work on that a lot. when i get negative.. i have been praying -- and praying some more. life has gotten pretty messy for me this last few months. i think a lot of it was the darn anti depressant withdrawal. i thought that was gonna kill me. seriously. it was so gawd awful physical. absolutely horrible. everything from electrical face zappy feelings, to some serious weight loss.. as if i needed that. i still don't have much of an appetite. i can't afford to lose anymore weight. if i were to get sick or something i'd be in some big trouble. none of my clothes fit me anymore. i wear a belt , and just look bad. oh and the anxiety and panic attacks are enough to make me think i'm gonna drop dead. i don't know what to do with myself.
i did however go back on prozac a couple or three weeks ago. i had to. not for depression, but for the anxiety. i couldn't stand it. it was physically impossible to tolerate. it has eased a bit.. maybe a lot. but i still have a problem with it, on a nearly daily basis. i don't know why. i just keep praying about it, and try to keep my mind off of things. like everything. i keep telling myself that maybe it's the Christmas, or December thing. i don't know if it is or not -- but whatever might buy me some time is good enough for me. it is very odd for me to be feeling this way right now -- because there is absolutely NO reason for it. and it isn't a 'mental' thing. my mind is ok. it is just a physical awful anxious, horrible 'state of being'. ugh.
other than that? my family is doing fine. soulkid just finished her second semester of college :)) we also just got her a new / used car. she had been driving a big ole gas guzzler- a nissan pathfinder that she could barely afford to drive to work and school. a couple weeks ago we found her a little VW beetle. she loves it. it's a nice little older car. a 2002. the price was right and it should last her several years. the pathfinder sold to the first caller . so that was good. barely broke even, but that's the market these days . at least my yard doesn't look like a used car lot.
anyhow --- i still think of all of you. i miss you all, and i miss writing. my mind has been elsewhere, and i just haven't felt like i could even write a complete sentence... i guess i was wrong. i can still babble looks like huh?
i hope you all are doing well and being happy in whatever you're doing .. have happy Christmas and New years -- and know i haven't forgotten any of you. i'm still here.
Friday, October 19, 2012
here i am again
hello --
it's another day -- another day that will be busy in both body and mind... but there is progress being made. there is a lot of things that need to be taken care of here. but it is happening.
if anyone wants to reach me , most of ya know how to do that -- well.. obviously THIS is one of best ways right here .. cuz it comes here AND to my email...
then there's facebook .. oh, how i loathe facebook... but i use it lately as i try to reconnect with my peeps. it's helping.
i have text on my phone -- which i would rather use than my actual speaking voice -- especially right now -- but -- i have spoken to a couple folks and it aint that bad.
i will be attempting to get hooked up on SKYPE soon.. i have no friggin idea how to do that -- i will find someone to help me tho.
i have been 'isolated' for so long i just don't know how to act. i feel like i'm somewhere between being born, or being released from prison :))
i'm not sure. i feel pretty socially retarded though. i have forgotten how to talk to people... i have lost my ability to write freely or creatively.
a lot has changed for me and in me ... but oh, how i blame the meds. i was blind to so much.
'i was blind but now i see.'
ok--- i gotta GET UP --
it's another day -- another day that will be busy in both body and mind... but there is progress being made. there is a lot of things that need to be taken care of here. but it is happening.
if anyone wants to reach me , most of ya know how to do that -- well.. obviously THIS is one of best ways right here .. cuz it comes here AND to my email...
then there's facebook .. oh, how i loathe facebook... but i use it lately as i try to reconnect with my peeps. it's helping.
i have text on my phone -- which i would rather use than my actual speaking voice -- especially right now -- but -- i have spoken to a couple folks and it aint that bad.
i will be attempting to get hooked up on SKYPE soon.. i have no friggin idea how to do that -- i will find someone to help me tho.
i have been 'isolated' for so long i just don't know how to act. i feel like i'm somewhere between being born, or being released from prison :))
i'm not sure. i feel pretty socially retarded though. i have forgotten how to talk to people... i have lost my ability to write freely or creatively.
a lot has changed for me and in me ... but oh, how i blame the meds. i was blind to so much.
'i was blind but now i see.'
ok--- i gotta GET UP --
have happy days in your worlds today !
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Don't let the limp fool ya
ok. so. i have no idea where to start this thing. we went to Galveston for the weekend. i attempted to pen blog.. as we had no internet -- . i had my iphone -- which may have allowed me to post -- but i can't remember now if it was my failing vision, or a technical issue that wouldn't let me post on it. but i did try. when i did have internet access the dumb IPAD, for whatever stupid reason refuses to let me post pix on my blog. these little issues frustrate me right into a frenzy. i'm too old for this. electronics are supposed to make life easier. i'm tellin ya-- for the cost, they sure should! they do not.
we went down there for a 'timeshare upgrade' meeting. call me forrest gump' - i had no idea that it was gonna be like a car trade in type thing. -stupid is as stupid does- ugh. yeh. they wanted us to trade in our cabin time share .. which i love actually, for one of their condo types. it would have been a good deal IF that was what we wanted -- which included going about 20,000 further in debt... while ours is deeded bought and paid for. of course we said no . i really can't even fathom the thought of paying that much for a timeshare in the first place. much less when ya add the equity of our own, and their so called cash offer on top of that. holy cow. they must be insane. but oh well. it's a business.
we did enjoy ourselves tho. soulkid brought her boyfriend , and it was a nice litttle trip.
so anyways, i have really been wantin to get back into blogging. i feel very disconnected from y'all. i feel disconnected from the world really. but i am inchin my way back. i see you.
i mentioned here a lil bit back that i was goin off my anti depressants. wow. what a friggin ride. and not a fun one. most of the physical side effects are gone now. they lasted for several weeks. they were severe, and at times near debilitating.
i have been on one anti depressant or another -- sometimes more than one at a time -- for over sixteen years. to me that is absolutely crazy. almost malpractice or abuse - neglect even -- , thinking now - with a somewhat cleared head. yeh, i think i needed them when i was initially prescribed them. i know they saved my life at the time. but now? OMG-- other times? i think they did more harm than good. i think they really did a lot of damage to my mind and my soul.
i saw my shrink last week , and she was about to put me on another one -- an anti depressant. because i had told her that i didn't take the 'Effexor" - OR the "Viibryd" -- that i was Supposed to be taking. -- which meant i was on NO anti depressant. she then wrote a RX for -- i think she said 'Luvox", but i'm not sure , because i haven't taken it. i did fill the prescription. -- just in case. but i have not taken it. 'how is my anxiety' - you ask? ugh. well, i do have PTSD.. you know. i have a major anxiety/panic disorder, and it can get pretty bad at times. i have been trying very very hard to keep the stress down, but that is difficult. but hey-- i'm trying. and this is new to me.
in this last 12 months this dr. has had me on - or prescribed --
?--somethin i can't remember--
prozac - quit workin -- ... i prolly had a bad day... oh gosh-- an emotion :((
celexa -- this stuff nearly killed me .. for real.. it took a long time to know this.
prozac -- pretty sure i went back on prozac -- i think i just was worn down from summer trips/
effexor - a panic attack from hell caused some issues --leading to a med change -- and i got this
viibryd -- then this -- that i did not take -
luvox -- then this -- that i did not take --
i had severe withdrawals from the celexa as well as the effexor - . it was around march when i went off of the celexa and back on the prozac.
then there was a med change - screw-up after the summer vacations -- and i had a big addissons problem then too. i got really sick. did i get hurt around that time? seems like i got hurt. i can't even remember.
yup still have memory problems... but they're getttin better -- a little bit. -- ahh yes -- march -- the tub. owie.
things are gonna get better. i been prayin a lot. a lot a lot. so that means that things are gonna get better.
so -- like i said -- don't let the limp fool ya .. things aren't always what they look like
so --- what do y'all think --- don't you think you'd be a little confused at times too? sometimes i think the woman is just trying to get a kickback from the med company or somethin. i really don't know. i used to literally trust her with my life. now i do not trust her at all. i am trying to talk myself into gettin a new shrink. i do need the xanax prescribed -. so. hmmmm. things that make ya go 'hmmmm'
so -- as my mind and body filter out all the anti depressant poison after all these years... a lot is becoming more clear to me. a lot of it i can't really just put here on these pages, but maybe another time i can, or will. but i can say this much -- those damned meds sure can control and change a person.
did y'all hear that part? those friggin meds really can AND DO control, and change a person. many times without them even noticing.
i have lost years of my life due to these meds. and what they have done to me. and what i have let them let people do to me. or worse -- what they have caused me to do to people....
it's really too bad that so much has gone wrong with me physically along the way. it would be nice to have found all this out and be in better physical condition. ya know what i mean? cuz there's not a lot i can really do now -- i'm still a mess.
i don't know what to do with myself right now.
mentally... i feel ok. i don't feel crazy - mental- depressed -- none of that kinda stuff. i have to wonder how much of that was medically induced.
like i said -- i am dealing with a lot of anxiety - but that's why i have xanax - it helps.
physically-- pain is a bitch -- we know that.
i'm just takin things one step at a time... all i know at this point is -- a stagnant pond begins to stink after awhile.
we went down there for a 'timeshare upgrade' meeting. call me forrest gump' - i had no idea that it was gonna be like a car trade in type thing. -stupid is as stupid does- ugh. yeh. they wanted us to trade in our cabin time share .. which i love actually, for one of their condo types. it would have been a good deal IF that was what we wanted -- which included going about 20,000 further in debt... while ours is deeded bought and paid for. of course we said no . i really can't even fathom the thought of paying that much for a timeshare in the first place. much less when ya add the equity of our own, and their so called cash offer on top of that. holy cow. they must be insane. but oh well. it's a business.
we did enjoy ourselves tho. soulkid brought her boyfriend , and it was a nice litttle trip.
here's a couple pix you've mostly all prolly seen -
on the beach in Galveston
"the rats are workin , turnin those wheels"
i mentioned here a lil bit back that i was goin off my anti depressants. wow. what a friggin ride. and not a fun one. most of the physical side effects are gone now. they lasted for several weeks. they were severe, and at times near debilitating.
i have been on one anti depressant or another -- sometimes more than one at a time -- for over sixteen years. to me that is absolutely crazy. almost malpractice or abuse - neglect even -- , thinking now - with a somewhat cleared head. yeh, i think i needed them when i was initially prescribed them. i know they saved my life at the time. but now? OMG-- other times? i think they did more harm than good. i think they really did a lot of damage to my mind and my soul.
i saw my shrink last week , and she was about to put me on another one -- an anti depressant. because i had told her that i didn't take the 'Effexor" - OR the "Viibryd" -- that i was Supposed to be taking. -- which meant i was on NO anti depressant. she then wrote a RX for -- i think she said 'Luvox", but i'm not sure , because i haven't taken it. i did fill the prescription. -- just in case. but i have not taken it. 'how is my anxiety' - you ask? ugh. well, i do have PTSD.. you know. i have a major anxiety/panic disorder, and it can get pretty bad at times. i have been trying very very hard to keep the stress down, but that is difficult. but hey-- i'm trying. and this is new to me.
in this last 12 months this dr. has had me on - or prescribed --
?--somethin i can't remember--
prozac - quit workin -- ... i prolly had a bad day... oh gosh-- an emotion :((
celexa -- this stuff nearly killed me .. for real.. it took a long time to know this.
prozac -- pretty sure i went back on prozac -- i think i just was worn down from summer trips/
effexor - a panic attack from hell caused some issues --leading to a med change -- and i got this
viibryd -- then this -- that i did not take -
luvox -- then this -- that i did not take --
i had severe withdrawals from the celexa as well as the effexor - . it was around march when i went off of the celexa and back on the prozac.
then there was a med change - screw-up after the summer vacations -- and i had a big addissons problem then too. i got really sick. did i get hurt around that time? seems like i got hurt. i can't even remember.
yup still have memory problems... but they're getttin better -- a little bit. -- ahh yes -- march -- the tub. owie.
things are gonna get better. i been prayin a lot. a lot a lot. so that means that things are gonna get better.
so -- like i said -- don't let the limp fool ya .. things aren't always what they look like
so --- what do y'all think --- don't you think you'd be a little confused at times too? sometimes i think the woman is just trying to get a kickback from the med company or somethin. i really don't know. i used to literally trust her with my life. now i do not trust her at all. i am trying to talk myself into gettin a new shrink. i do need the xanax prescribed -. so. hmmmm. things that make ya go 'hmmmm'
so -- as my mind and body filter out all the anti depressant poison after all these years... a lot is becoming more clear to me. a lot of it i can't really just put here on these pages, but maybe another time i can, or will. but i can say this much -- those damned meds sure can control and change a person.
did y'all hear that part? those friggin meds really can AND DO control, and change a person. many times without them even noticing.
i have lost years of my life due to these meds. and what they have done to me. and what i have let them let people do to me. or worse -- what they have caused me to do to people....
it's really too bad that so much has gone wrong with me physically along the way. it would be nice to have found all this out and be in better physical condition. ya know what i mean? cuz there's not a lot i can really do now -- i'm still a mess.
i don't know what to do with myself right now.
mentally... i feel ok. i don't feel crazy - mental- depressed -- none of that kinda stuff. i have to wonder how much of that was medically induced.
like i said -- i am dealing with a lot of anxiety - but that's why i have xanax - it helps.
physically-- pain is a bitch -- we know that.
i'm just takin things one step at a time... all i know at this point is -- a stagnant pond begins to stink after awhile.
Friday, October 12, 2012
jibber jabber
this is the new one -- a punkin :))
and she is a punkin head as we all know
year before last - a bee -- she loves it even now
sometimes i get it out -
i call it her coat to her, and she gets thrilled to put it on !
if she wouldn't slip out of her leash -- or bark like a foll, at nothing , and everything -- it would be so much fun to take her out 'trick or treating' !! she would be the cutest thing on the street :)) well, since we don't have a little kid :)) she would have to be right?
well, the pic at the top of the page? that was earlier today, i felt so horrible. she loves to ride in the car, and you'd think the poor girl would have it figured out by now... (that when she goes in the car -- she's not just goin for a ride -- :((
i wish i could have had the time to just be takin her 'bye bye'. but i wasn't. nope. we were on our way to the kennel. i never like to take her there. i never have and i am sure i never will. but this was the worst time ever. this time she is there 'alone'. all the other times, she went with either Midnight, or Eevee. and the kennel would always make sure that they were next to each other, and went potty together etc. ugh. this time, she is there all by herself. i asked if they would take extra special care of her, and i of course told them that Eevee -- well, that she wasn't 'with us' anymore. they asked, of course. we have used this kennel for several years - way back to even when we had midnight. they were sad. it made me sad. er. and wouldn't ya know -- i had to go and do this little errand by myself. it seems that the harder things that need to be done, end up being done by me most of the time.. and somehow - for whatever reason.. i end up being alone when it's done. i just can't like it. but i do do it. and i will continue to do it.
i have been busy all day .. trying to get ready for a weekend away. we are goin to galveston for the weekend . the boyfriend is comin with us. i hope we are able to have a fun and relaxing time. none of us have ever been down there. this was a pretty spur of the moment thing. we got a phone call .. and accepted the offer of sittin thru a time share (upgrade) speil. hey why not right. we own the darn thing -- we won't be upgrading. but why not take a 'free' weekend away. the worst thing is leavin the pup. deep down i know she will be fine . nothin bad has ever happened there before. i am only worried because of the recent loss of EEvee. Lord that is still hurting my heart. but it's not like that's never happened. it'll heal.
anyone know what we should check out whilst in galveston? we will be right on the water -- temps should be 82 ish.
well.. interruption -- has occured -- i have been fightin with my car dealer about my broke navigation system and they called and i dont have time or patience but have to call them -- bah!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
i found it --
there it is -- the 'unstuck' button. i just cannot seem to get it to work. :(( the same goes for the getup button. hmmmm. i'm workin on it tho. i am making the effort . i am making the effort -- i am making the effort. :))
so -- today -- my to do list was for stuff that had to be done away from home... but guess what? i was trapped at home - due to trees being cut down outside my home.. and i had to stay here til they were done, because i couldn't pay them in advance -- just in case they were to damage somethin - or some other kind of thing. ya know? so -- my to do list? yeh -- it's well -- in the stuck position. ( well - subject to change - but it is gettin late in the day - and my pain is gettin bad again ) s0 --
as for me? sort of unstuck... but i'm 'willing.' that's the first step -- right. i'm tryin.. is that the second step? now, doing.. well now.. that might be the third step .. and i do -- well, DO. some stuff.
trying to talk trees with tree guys -- when you are a social phobe and borderline socially retarded -- well that is a big effort -- and well, pretty much humiliating. to say the least. this isn't the first time i had to talk to these guys .. but it never gets easier. but hey, nothin awful happened, and i didn't get too badly taken for granted. in fact i think i got a pretty good bargain. i am missin a cute lil tree -- but the insurance company will finally be off me arse for havin branches on my house. - and shed. i can't believe that was a problem. but it was,. ugh. and you would never ever believe how the tree guy was hired by me in the first place. it could only happen to me --
well, you see, one day in the recent past.. i heard some noise in my back yard -- i went to see what it was ... it was branches -- from the house behind me fallin into our yard -- onto my storage shed and onto my bushes etc. i started yellin over there --- over the sound of saws etc.. and i was none too kind either.. :)) they were screwin up my shed -- and killin my plants/bushes -- i don't know what kind of bushes they are -- but they are plants -- not like ratty bushes -- you know what i mean right. anyhow... i made him come over and pick all that shit up!!!
then i was like --- oh by the way ---- LOL -- i shit you not --- i asked him if he wanted to cut OUR branches back etc -- and he said sure -- quoted me a price, and i gave him the job :))
i can't believe it myself ... i don't mean to be so harsh sometimes. i really am a nice person. i tipped them a 20.00 when they left today. and told them to call in a few days cuz we might have more work later.
we are doin some big jobs around the house. some of y'all have seen the floor work we did -- there's also painting and other stuff to do. so much , that it hurts my brain when i think about it. but it will look awesome when it gets finished.
so anyways -- i am hungry -- it's makin my head hurt -- the day flies passed me and i realize i haven't eaten .. by then it's almost dinner - it happens way too often.
so. i guess i will go and figure out what i am gonna do with myself - and - or my to do list
g'day
Monday, October 8, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
i'm tryin
holy hell people. it has been a helluva road this passed weeks -- maybe even months. some of you know that. i might even go as far as to say it's been a tough year. but i will also say that things are lookin up. it took a lot to get to the point i'm at now. it isn't an easy place. it is a place of readiness. that's all. just a place where i have realized some stuff. what stuff? well, that i am an asshole. i really need y'all to point that out sometimes. especially the times that i push y'all away. i almost ruined my life here lately. in a very real way.
i always thought and said that i could turn my back and never look back---- maybe i could do that. maybe not. i almost found out. in the process ? i hurt the most important people in my life. i also lost myself while doing it. in a very real way. i'm physically still here -- spiritually lost.. and a mess. but i'm workin on it- and seeing improvement this passed few days.. it's a lot of work to find a map that has a compass for all these places to come together again.
the human spirit -- is a complex thing. especially mine. i love so many people. on such a deep level... it honestly gets confusing . i am confusing in my own right. add my issues .. and no tellin what ya get. soul cocktail?
you all are some very special folks. you have hearts of gold. many of you have been here for years, and dealt with me, and my crazy heart for years. that is called unconditional love. i never mean to push you away. but i always do mean to come back...and i am never far away. i am always right here. and i never stop thinking about you. what goes through my mind when i do 'go away'? ---- that i am messed up'... too messed up to be un-judged-/
someone said to me once about another bi-polar person... 'blank is fucked up'... that person was NO worse off than me. blank has a mood disorder. and has had losses in their life, and that is hard to deal with sometimes. this person was - in this other persons 'judgement' - fucked up' -- in a nutshell.
at that moment -- i think i changed my entire attitude about who i am. that was a long time ago. it made me feel judged. by everyone. it made me feel like i need to be reassured that i'm ok. and NOT f'd up.
well... i think i know 'now' .. in my recent world obliteration... and reconstruction... it was that persons own -- f'd upness -- -- that person must be judgemental about others to feel ok about their own world. because it wasn't just one person they judged. that person was downright mean about many people.
so if anyone wants to judge me -- look at your own self first -- cuz i have a good world -- and i have too many wonderful friends in it to even feel judged --- y'all need to come kick my ass when i run away -- please -- do that. the person i am talkin about is prolly readin this right now. maybe judgin me too. and i don't care. i DO care that i'm makin my comeback.. and i am gonna be ok.
pain, issues, and all..... because i have the best friends evah !!!
and they love me unconditionally -- i am learning that.. i have a ways to go -- but i'm makin it.
my first step is to stop takin life and people too damn seriously. myself included. geesh. i have a bad day - and think the world is ending. ugh.
shit happens and people react. correct? it's ok to get angry. it's ok to cry. it's ok to have feelings. emotions do not make me crazy. why i feel crazy when i have a feeling is beyond me. why i feel 'judged ' or abandoned over stupid stuff -- i do not understand. but -- i am starting things over as of now.
hello, welcome to my blog... folks call me soul---
i hope you have a happy day in your world today -- i am tryin
.JPG)
i always thought and said that i could turn my back and never look back---- maybe i could do that. maybe not. i almost found out. in the process ? i hurt the most important people in my life. i also lost myself while doing it. in a very real way. i'm physically still here -- spiritually lost.. and a mess. but i'm workin on it- and seeing improvement this passed few days.. it's a lot of work to find a map that has a compass for all these places to come together again.
the human spirit -- is a complex thing. especially mine. i love so many people. on such a deep level... it honestly gets confusing . i am confusing in my own right. add my issues .. and no tellin what ya get. soul cocktail?
you all are some very special folks. you have hearts of gold. many of you have been here for years, and dealt with me, and my crazy heart for years. that is called unconditional love. i never mean to push you away. but i always do mean to come back...and i am never far away. i am always right here. and i never stop thinking about you. what goes through my mind when i do 'go away'? ---- that i am messed up'... too messed up to be un-judged-/
someone said to me once about another bi-polar person... 'blank is fucked up'... that person was NO worse off than me. blank has a mood disorder. and has had losses in their life, and that is hard to deal with sometimes. this person was - in this other persons 'judgement' - fucked up' -- in a nutshell.
at that moment -- i think i changed my entire attitude about who i am. that was a long time ago. it made me feel judged. by everyone. it made me feel like i need to be reassured that i'm ok. and NOT f'd up.
well... i think i know 'now' .. in my recent world obliteration... and reconstruction... it was that persons own -- f'd upness -- -- that person must be judgemental about others to feel ok about their own world. because it wasn't just one person they judged. that person was downright mean about many people.
so if anyone wants to judge me -- look at your own self first -- cuz i have a good world -- and i have too many wonderful friends in it to even feel judged --- y'all need to come kick my ass when i run away -- please -- do that. the person i am talkin about is prolly readin this right now. maybe judgin me too. and i don't care. i DO care that i'm makin my comeback.. and i am gonna be ok.
pain, issues, and all..... because i have the best friends evah !!!
and they love me unconditionally -- i am learning that.. i have a ways to go -- but i'm makin it.
my first step is to stop takin life and people too damn seriously. myself included. geesh. i have a bad day - and think the world is ending. ugh.
shit happens and people react. correct? it's ok to get angry. it's ok to cry. it's ok to have feelings. emotions do not make me crazy. why i feel crazy when i have a feeling is beyond me. why i feel 'judged ' or abandoned over stupid stuff -- i do not understand. but -- i am starting things over as of now.
hello, welcome to my blog... folks call me soul---
i hope you have a happy day in your world today -- i am tryin
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
a blurb
check. check. yep. this thing still works.
must be me who's broke. i'm still here tho. sometimes unable to complete a sentence, or write a comment on facebook without drawing a blank... but i am still here.
i really miss the days when bloggin was a daily thing for me , and my friends who read them... we connected on a totally different level than facebook. and now it seems that all there is anymore is facebook.. and i just can't like it.
facebook just doesn't let me say as much as i need to say -- of course at the moment - i don't have a lot to say -- but at least here i can say whatever, and however much i want to say --
i just hate facebook. i wanted to let you know. :))
must be me who's broke. i'm still here tho. sometimes unable to complete a sentence, or write a comment on facebook without drawing a blank... but i am still here.
i really miss the days when bloggin was a daily thing for me , and my friends who read them... we connected on a totally different level than facebook. and now it seems that all there is anymore is facebook.. and i just can't like it.
facebook just doesn't let me say as much as i need to say -- of course at the moment - i don't have a lot to say -- but at least here i can say whatever, and however much i want to say --
i just hate facebook. i wanted to let you know. :))
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
ughhhhhhh
boy, i'm havin one of those days. i don't really know why. i just don't.
maybe i do - but i am just here to put these pix up- and to say one thing
ok a couple things -
first - the pix -- they are of the floor upstairs -- somewhere on this computer i have pix of what the hell up there was before. the carpet looked like nothing that should ever be in a home. but it was. but thaT must be cuz i am me.
but this is what they look like now - and beauty is only what will come. also, because i am me -- i won't enjoy them as much as i would like -- because they are up satairs - where i never go - because - well - i hurt. when i went up before -- it was to clean the hell that existed - or maybe to get somethin..
buying a two story house when you have chronic pain is really a bad idea. blogging when ya can't see isn't a very good idea either.
anyhow.
the other thing i wanted to say? i shoulda known better. nothin to do with anything really. very cryptic i know. but i know what i am talkin about - and that's ok. but yeh. someone -- has a lot of fun F-N with me... and i fall for it every damn time . no more -- so... i guess - i just needed to 'say that out loud'.
ugh
so aggrivating.
what else is aggrivating? the floor folks are comin back in a while -- i don't think i can handle it again. i really think i need to go rent a hotel room. ugh. just ugh.
maybe i do - but i am just here to put these pix up- and to say one thing
ok a couple things -
first - the pix -- they are of the floor upstairs -- somewhere on this computer i have pix of what the hell up there was before. the carpet looked like nothing that should ever be in a home. but it was. but thaT must be cuz i am me.
buying a two story house when you have chronic pain is really a bad idea. blogging when ya can't see isn't a very good idea either.
anyhow.
the other thing i wanted to say? i shoulda known better. nothin to do with anything really. very cryptic i know. but i know what i am talkin about - and that's ok. but yeh. someone -- has a lot of fun F-N with me... and i fall for it every damn time . no more -- so... i guess - i just needed to 'say that out loud'.
ugh
so aggrivating.
what else is aggrivating? the floor folks are comin back in a while -- i don't think i can handle it again. i really think i need to go rent a hotel room. ugh. just ugh.
Monday, September 24, 2012
shattered fragments of itchy and scratchy
hiya folks -- how's things in your world this morning? here? well, for one thing-- my computer is makin strange noises when i hit keys / sometimes -- i don't know why. but what else is new right? i can't even manage to make coffee half the time these days. my vision is a mess... it has been fading, and my eyes have been hurting, burning or one thing or another for a long time-- but this last couple of days -- it's different. i am gonna have to go the eye doc maybe today. from the little research i did on my visit with dr. google -- sounds like -- shit now i already forgot - ivitis? uritis.iritis.? MY EYE-- i don't know -- i could check - but i don't feel like it. if it is - whatever i found - it could lead to blindness -- so yeh -- can't really use a computer without eyes. and most of you know -- my computer is pretty much my only link to the outside world. so vision is kinda important.
i haven't been bloggin much -- as you can see -- :)) -- ("see") - :))
anyhow -- i haven't been doin much communicating in any way - for quite a while.. with anyone.
recently- i have been attempting to get back into touch with the world.. meaning y'all.. via facebook, text - or other means.. just so ya know i am alive- and do still think and care about you.
maybe after so many of my comings and goings without notice i have harmed some folks - or done some damage, that i cannot change - and for that i am sincerely sorry. it may have changed the way you feel - or forced you to put your guard up - or distance yourself -- and i do understand that. i have done the same a lot of times. i will never be able to make it right i don't think. or be able to apologize enough. maybe i should just stop apologizing.
yep -- i still babble. i have forgotten how to 'write'. i haven't written in so long. i have many unfinished posts in my -- well, whatever ya call it -- draft file? --here, that i have tried to write, and they just turned out to be pure crap. worse than ever. some only a few sentences, some a title - some -- just crap. some are actually -- nothing -- just blank..a date...i had convinced myself that no one wanted to read it anyhow. that - or maybe i had hurt or pushed away everyone. -- perhaps even pissed folks off to the point of no return. i reckon a person can can only apologize so many times right? -- for 'disappearing', i mean.
a lot has happened here that i have not told you -- well, duh, that's pretty obvious right?
i think this year has been hard for me and manifested itself in every way -- mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc etc... some you know - some you don't .. and some OF you know - and some OF you don't. picture a broken glass on the floor - and that is my life , my relationships, my mind, my body.... my world.
if you put every thought a person has in one month into a blender and turn it on? that's kind of what my mind has been like for quite some time. i can't shut it up. there has been a lot goin on in in my life and it all spins in my mind. and there isn't much to ease or quiet it. so- i guess that is what has caused a lot of my issues -- such as -- shutting down.. and shutting folks out. and not writing... etc.
in turn .. i have been tryin my damnest to not destroy what little i have left. in fact i am nauseous right now. it's awful. life makes me ill. BUT-- believe it or not -- i feel kinda better today :)) (mentally /emotionally) jeeeeesh.
i quit smoking the day after mothers day -- this year. which was a miracle. the whole way it happened.. the way the girl approached me to talk about the cigs, where to get em how to use em, all of it. i bought one the next day after talkin to her and just like that - i quit smokin cigs. so i sure do recommend you try one if ya wanna quit . i smoked over 30 years! and was quit within 24 hours.
but i am havin trouble with the damned electronic cigs --i own FOUR of them, and all are gvin me fits. but it's ok. i'll get em figured out or get a new one..
i did however smoke a cig the other night. it wasn't anything like i thought it would be. my comfort- my 'best friend'. my addiction. it smelled bad. i felt bad. why did i smoke it? most of you on face book know -- our big dog eevee got out and got run over and killed . it is so heartbreaking. we haven't lost a pet since Midnight. who was MY dog. she too was a family dog, but she was my heart and soul. eevee was 'soulmans' dog.. but she was the family baby-- it wasn't so ever present until she was gone. OMG. it hit me hard. i didn't know i loved that girl so much. i cried so much yesterday i thought i would never dry out! this is the second day to get up and not put her outside in the morning. it is just a weird feeling, and it makes me sad. i watched her video clip yesterday - that's when the tears really came. i mean i cried - before. but i bawled like baby when i saw the video - of her alive- and 'working- happy- ugh. but she was a happy girl/and loved to play. she loved her stuffed 'babies', and she loved us.
(here is a link to her webpage/ before we got her... - from her previous owners -- she was a champion shutzhund dog -- with a champion line of pups and predecessors -
http://www.malinoispuppies.com/malinois_eevee.html
sushi has now lost two best friends -- she grieved midnight for instantly and for a long time.
as for EEVEE - she knew before we knew. in fact, i believe that Sushi knew the moment that eevee was hurt. because she began looking thru the house for her. she went into her crate after wandering the house an even upstairs-- that's when i knew something was wrong. soulman got in the car and drove around -- that's when he found her :(( -- he brought her home -- yesterday he took her to the vet, she will be cremated and spread over the lake -- just like midnight, she liked the boat, water, and fishing :))
i've been off my meds (anti depressants) for weeks - i felt really true feelings for the first time in many years probably. grief. i was angry and sad at the same time. off and on. god i was sad. i still am of course. but the tears were different. the sad was just different. i can't even explain it. the tears were actually -- soothing? i have been 'medicated' for so damn long that i didn't remember that you could cry , and feel -- ok- after. i didn't know .. anything emotionally. i don't know what i'm talking about. i don't know anything about 'emotions.' that don't feel 'wrong'. or especially the ones that don't come out/ are expressed wrong. ugh.
yeh.. coming off my meds is a bit scary. i feel -- what might be 'normal' coming. aside from the physical horrible side affects -- like right now-- i am itchy!!! i have been gettin itchy and scratchy - sometimes red -like hives, sometimes just itchy. it might be from comin off the effexxor -- could be the catch all -- nerves. but the comin off effexxor -- i swear it could kill me dead! i am stil getting side effects from that - and i only took it for a month! it has been a month since i stopped it-- cold turkey. i am getting every listed side effect aside from death ! nausea-vomiting-brain zaps-, hot/cold flashes, MOOD SWINGS.. and i do mean evil mood swings. to the point of threatening divorce. which, who knows? might be a blessing -- i am impossible to live with.
things aside from my own body and mind ,and eevee things have been goin on too -- but are gettin taken care of --
we had flood number one upstairs a while back. easy fix -- i think i mentioned that here.
i had TWO vacations - should have been perfect -- made me physically ill.
i am more agoraphobic now than in a long while..
we were in the early stages of a remodel - when flood number two came -
we are back to the remodel
before long we will have a real live guest room -- just in case anyone wants to come visit :))
refer to above -- no big dog to be afraid of. :((
sushi isn't barking near as much since eevee 'left'
---- i woke up entirely too early due to pain, and combined with vision problems --- i am gonna sign off now---
have a happy day in your world folks -- thanks for the condolences for EEVEE -- she was a great girl.
i haven't been bloggin much -- as you can see -- :)) -- ("see") - :))
anyhow -- i haven't been doin much communicating in any way - for quite a while.. with anyone.
recently- i have been attempting to get back into touch with the world.. meaning y'all.. via facebook, text - or other means.. just so ya know i am alive- and do still think and care about you.
maybe after so many of my comings and goings without notice i have harmed some folks - or done some damage, that i cannot change - and for that i am sincerely sorry. it may have changed the way you feel - or forced you to put your guard up - or distance yourself -- and i do understand that. i have done the same a lot of times. i will never be able to make it right i don't think. or be able to apologize enough. maybe i should just stop apologizing.
yep -- i still babble. i have forgotten how to 'write'. i haven't written in so long. i have many unfinished posts in my -- well, whatever ya call it -- draft file? --here, that i have tried to write, and they just turned out to be pure crap. worse than ever. some only a few sentences, some a title - some -- just crap. some are actually -- nothing -- just blank..a date...i had convinced myself that no one wanted to read it anyhow. that - or maybe i had hurt or pushed away everyone. -- perhaps even pissed folks off to the point of no return. i reckon a person can can only apologize so many times right? -- for 'disappearing', i mean.
a lot has happened here that i have not told you -- well, duh, that's pretty obvious right?
i think this year has been hard for me and manifested itself in every way -- mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc etc... some you know - some you don't .. and some OF you know - and some OF you don't. picture a broken glass on the floor - and that is my life , my relationships, my mind, my body.... my world.
if you put every thought a person has in one month into a blender and turn it on? that's kind of what my mind has been like for quite some time. i can't shut it up. there has been a lot goin on in in my life and it all spins in my mind. and there isn't much to ease or quiet it. so- i guess that is what has caused a lot of my issues -- such as -- shutting down.. and shutting folks out. and not writing... etc.
in turn .. i have been tryin my damnest to not destroy what little i have left. in fact i am nauseous right now. it's awful. life makes me ill. BUT-- believe it or not -- i feel kinda better today :)) (mentally /emotionally) jeeeeesh.
i quit smoking the day after mothers day -- this year. which was a miracle. the whole way it happened.. the way the girl approached me to talk about the cigs, where to get em how to use em, all of it. i bought one the next day after talkin to her and just like that - i quit smokin cigs. so i sure do recommend you try one if ya wanna quit . i smoked over 30 years! and was quit within 24 hours.
but i am havin trouble with the damned electronic cigs --i own FOUR of them, and all are gvin me fits. but it's ok. i'll get em figured out or get a new one..
i did however smoke a cig the other night. it wasn't anything like i thought it would be. my comfort- my 'best friend'. my addiction. it smelled bad. i felt bad. why did i smoke it? most of you on face book know -- our big dog eevee got out and got run over and killed . it is so heartbreaking. we haven't lost a pet since Midnight. who was MY dog. she too was a family dog, but she was my heart and soul. eevee was 'soulmans' dog.. but she was the family baby-- it wasn't so ever present until she was gone. OMG. it hit me hard. i didn't know i loved that girl so much. i cried so much yesterday i thought i would never dry out! this is the second day to get up and not put her outside in the morning. it is just a weird feeling, and it makes me sad. i watched her video clip yesterday - that's when the tears really came. i mean i cried - before. but i bawled like baby when i saw the video - of her alive- and 'working- happy- ugh. but she was a happy girl/and loved to play. she loved her stuffed 'babies', and she loved us.
(here is a link to her webpage/ before we got her... - from her previous owners -- she was a champion shutzhund dog -- with a champion line of pups and predecessors -
http://www.malinoispuppies.com/malinois_eevee.html
sushi has now lost two best friends -- she grieved midnight for instantly and for a long time.
as for EEVEE - she knew before we knew. in fact, i believe that Sushi knew the moment that eevee was hurt. because she began looking thru the house for her. she went into her crate after wandering the house an even upstairs-- that's when i knew something was wrong. soulman got in the car and drove around -- that's when he found her :(( -- he brought her home -- yesterday he took her to the vet, she will be cremated and spread over the lake -- just like midnight, she liked the boat, water, and fishing :))
i've been off my meds (anti depressants) for weeks - i felt really true feelings for the first time in many years probably. grief. i was angry and sad at the same time. off and on. god i was sad. i still am of course. but the tears were different. the sad was just different. i can't even explain it. the tears were actually -- soothing? i have been 'medicated' for so damn long that i didn't remember that you could cry , and feel -- ok- after. i didn't know .. anything emotionally. i don't know what i'm talking about. i don't know anything about 'emotions.' that don't feel 'wrong'. or especially the ones that don't come out/ are expressed wrong. ugh.
yeh.. coming off my meds is a bit scary. i feel -- what might be 'normal' coming. aside from the physical horrible side affects -- like right now-- i am itchy!!! i have been gettin itchy and scratchy - sometimes red -like hives, sometimes just itchy. it might be from comin off the effexxor -- could be the catch all -- nerves. but the comin off effexxor -- i swear it could kill me dead! i am stil getting side effects from that - and i only took it for a month! it has been a month since i stopped it-- cold turkey. i am getting every listed side effect aside from death ! nausea-vomiting-brain zaps-, hot/cold flashes, MOOD SWINGS.. and i do mean evil mood swings. to the point of threatening divorce. which, who knows? might be a blessing -- i am impossible to live with.
things aside from my own body and mind ,and eevee things have been goin on too -- but are gettin taken care of --
we had flood number one upstairs a while back. easy fix -- i think i mentioned that here.
i had TWO vacations - should have been perfect -- made me physically ill.
i am more agoraphobic now than in a long while..
we were in the early stages of a remodel - when flood number two came -
we are back to the remodel
before long we will have a real live guest room -- just in case anyone wants to come visit :))
refer to above -- no big dog to be afraid of. :((
sushi isn't barking near as much since eevee 'left'
---- i woke up entirely too early due to pain, and combined with vision problems --- i am gonna sign off now---
have a happy day in your world folks -- thanks for the condolences for EEVEE -- she was a great girl.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
so instead of blowin up facebook ---
hiya folks !
i'm back.. but then again, where have ya heard that before? we got home saturday afternoon from Falcon Lake, Tx. from our 20th anniversary vacation week. boy, i never knew that fishing could be so darn exhausting. we sure had a good time tho. sunburns and all. :)) i couldn't tell you how long it's been since i had a sunburn like that. or 'this' i should say. i think even my eyeballs got sunburned! they hurt even still. no, i don't really think they got burnt. but they hurt. my legs and arms and hands and everything else burnt tho. my lower legs even peeled! that hasn't happened in like 7 years or more. it was hot down there.
our first or second day was actually kind of funny ... it was reminiscent of our seventh anniversary. almost exactly. on our 7th anniversary , we took a vacation from Wichita kansas to lake fork, tx.. also to fish a world renown trophy bass fishing lake. we had all these big hopes and dreams of catching our 'walters! ' .. (of course 'Walter' wasn't even heard of back then.. but we have always had the dream of a ten pound bass) -- so we drove all those miles - with a 5 year old soulkid to celebrate our anniversary - and when we got there - and rented a 14 foot -- really not very sea worthy - john boat -- the sky opened up and poured rain... hard -- if not for hours it was a day or two. - we didn't let it ruin our trip back then - and guess what?
here we are - all these years later -- 13 years later to be exact -- at yet another - world renown trophy bass fishing lake -- still chasing after our 'walter' - and what happened? yep, you guessed it ... the sky opened up, and poured rain on us... it even hailed -- pea sized hail.... on day one of our vacation. we could only laugh, and remember our first big bass lake vacation. you know it's cuz we are us. it wasn't bad though. it was kind of nice. i should have taken a few pictures but i didn't think to. i got a lot of other pics tho -- but, we didn't let it ruin our trip this time either . (unlucky 13? nah)
anyhow, in honor of my dadio - who was a lifer in the border patrol, i took several Border Patrol pix -- some awesome ones at that --
i had never seen a border patrol boat like that, i thought it was the coolest thing ever. note the engineS, TWO big ole engines on that thing, i bet it hauls booty! i wondered if my dad ever got to patrol on one. i don't have the opportunity to ask him, so if anyone in the family knows -- let me know.
i do know that he was stationed in Puerto Rico for a few years -- among some other coastal places.. so he may have had a chance , but i bet back in those days, they were nothin like these boats.
so, Zapata , Texas, what a town. it has a population of maybe twelve. :)) it's a small place. not much of a variety of places to eat or sleep. soulman smoked a brisket on our big green egg before we left and we took that and some other eats with us.. it lasted a few days , and made some viscous tacos. we ate tacos twice a day for three days :)) there was one restaurant there in Zapata that a guy on TV with a fishin show - "Mark Zona" - ate at when he filmed his show down there - so of course we had to go there... they had some awesome chicken fried steak -- we ate that - BOTH times we went there. :))
we originally had rented a condo for the week, but that didn't work out too well. you know the drill.. it's cuz we are us :)) it wasn't terrible or anything, it was just that there were a few 'issues'. such as .. .. well, we were layin in bed on the second night (maybe even the first) and it was like 10:00 PM or so, when suddenly a shot rang out in the dark. or three. oh yeh. for real. maybe four. i was so tired it didn't bother me that much. normally it might have scared the crap outta me, but i was so exhausted every night we were there that nothing seemed to matter much - except the next day of fishing - or maybe the next meal. but as for soulman? it bothered him... a lot. we didn't talk about it tho. he got out of bed and scoped things out of course. he didn't see anything or anybody around the house, but he was worried about it. for the next day or two things were pretty weird . the area we were in apparently wasn't the best in town... obviously. ya couldn't really tell by lookin at it tho-- but we would be out - goin or comin from fishin or eatin or something, and a car would drive by real slow - or circle around the block a couple or three times .. it was real weird. creepy even. we only slept there two or three nights when soulman went to the tackle shop and before he even got back he called me and told me to start packin our stuff cuz he got a hotel room in town :)) he just didn't feel safe there -- and leaving me there alone was all it took for him to realize just how unsafe he felt.
so we got a nicer safer place to stay for the rest of our time there. no more gunshots -- no more ants.. yep - there were ants on the kitchen counter at the condo too. beats roaches, but i hate them just as much .. i don't know why, i don't know where they come from or why they bother me like they do, but i was glad to be rid of them. the hotel room had a fridge and a microwave - so it was nice. of course -- on our first night there, we went to heat up some left -over chicken fried steak .. when guess what happened? yeh.. the microwave didn't work -- cuz yup -- we are us! :)) BUT -- we got a brand new in the box microwave for the rest of our stay :))
so - the fishing? oh it was fantastic-O!! soulman caught the first several fish.. of course. i almost began to feel like i wasn't gonna get any. ooooh that's a bad feelin. he was haulin in some awesome fish too. i was gettin skunked :(( two hours prolly went by - he had two, 7 pound bass - AND a few smaller ones, i had nuthin.
but then -- my luck started to change ! -- they started small --- like the ones from home at the pond -- but i was happy with em !
i'm back.. but then again, where have ya heard that before? we got home saturday afternoon from Falcon Lake, Tx. from our 20th anniversary vacation week. boy, i never knew that fishing could be so darn exhausting. we sure had a good time tho. sunburns and all. :)) i couldn't tell you how long it's been since i had a sunburn like that. or 'this' i should say. i think even my eyeballs got sunburned! they hurt even still. no, i don't really think they got burnt. but they hurt. my legs and arms and hands and everything else burnt tho. my lower legs even peeled! that hasn't happened in like 7 years or more. it was hot down there.
our first or second day was actually kind of funny ... it was reminiscent of our seventh anniversary. almost exactly. on our 7th anniversary , we took a vacation from Wichita kansas to lake fork, tx.. also to fish a world renown trophy bass fishing lake. we had all these big hopes and dreams of catching our 'walters! ' .. (of course 'Walter' wasn't even heard of back then.. but we have always had the dream of a ten pound bass) -- so we drove all those miles - with a 5 year old soulkid to celebrate our anniversary - and when we got there - and rented a 14 foot -- really not very sea worthy - john boat -- the sky opened up and poured rain... hard -- if not for hours it was a day or two. - we didn't let it ruin our trip back then - and guess what?
here we are - all these years later -- 13 years later to be exact -- at yet another - world renown trophy bass fishing lake -- still chasing after our 'walter' - and what happened? yep, you guessed it ... the sky opened up, and poured rain on us... it even hailed -- pea sized hail.... on day one of our vacation. we could only laugh, and remember our first big bass lake vacation. you know it's cuz we are us. it wasn't bad though. it was kind of nice. i should have taken a few pictures but i didn't think to. i got a lot of other pics tho -- but, we didn't let it ruin our trip this time either . (unlucky 13? nah)
anyhow, in honor of my dadio - who was a lifer in the border patrol, i took several Border Patrol pix -- some awesome ones at that --
(my dad- back in the day)
border patrol, zapata, tx
inspection station, BP, near Laredo , tx
i do know that he was stationed in Puerto Rico for a few years -- among some other coastal places.. so he may have had a chance , but i bet back in those days, they were nothin like these boats.
so, Zapata , Texas, what a town. it has a population of maybe twelve. :)) it's a small place. not much of a variety of places to eat or sleep. soulman smoked a brisket on our big green egg before we left and we took that and some other eats with us.. it lasted a few days , and made some viscous tacos. we ate tacos twice a day for three days :)) there was one restaurant there in Zapata that a guy on TV with a fishin show - "Mark Zona" - ate at when he filmed his show down there - so of course we had to go there... they had some awesome chicken fried steak -- we ate that - BOTH times we went there. :))
(never enough gravy - :))
we originally had rented a condo for the week, but that didn't work out too well. you know the drill.. it's cuz we are us :)) it wasn't terrible or anything, it was just that there were a few 'issues'. such as .. .. well, we were layin in bed on the second night (maybe even the first) and it was like 10:00 PM or so, when suddenly a shot rang out in the dark. or three. oh yeh. for real. maybe four. i was so tired it didn't bother me that much. normally it might have scared the crap outta me, but i was so exhausted every night we were there that nothing seemed to matter much - except the next day of fishing - or maybe the next meal. but as for soulman? it bothered him... a lot. we didn't talk about it tho. he got out of bed and scoped things out of course. he didn't see anything or anybody around the house, but he was worried about it. for the next day or two things were pretty weird . the area we were in apparently wasn't the best in town... obviously. ya couldn't really tell by lookin at it tho-- but we would be out - goin or comin from fishin or eatin or something, and a car would drive by real slow - or circle around the block a couple or three times .. it was real weird. creepy even. we only slept there two or three nights when soulman went to the tackle shop and before he even got back he called me and told me to start packin our stuff cuz he got a hotel room in town :)) he just didn't feel safe there -- and leaving me there alone was all it took for him to realize just how unsafe he felt.
so we got a nicer safer place to stay for the rest of our time there. no more gunshots -- no more ants.. yep - there were ants on the kitchen counter at the condo too. beats roaches, but i hate them just as much .. i don't know why, i don't know where they come from or why they bother me like they do, but i was glad to be rid of them. the hotel room had a fridge and a microwave - so it was nice. of course -- on our first night there, we went to heat up some left -over chicken fried steak .. when guess what happened? yeh.. the microwave didn't work -- cuz yup -- we are us! :)) BUT -- we got a brand new in the box microwave for the rest of our stay :))
so - the fishing? oh it was fantastic-O!! soulman caught the first several fish.. of course. i almost began to feel like i wasn't gonna get any. ooooh that's a bad feelin. he was haulin in some awesome fish too. i was gettin skunked :(( two hours prolly went by - he had two, 7 pound bass - AND a few smaller ones, i had nuthin.
but then -- my luck started to change ! -- they started small --- like the ones from home at the pond -- but i was happy with em !
after a few like these, (that i caught the next day ) - guess what happened ?
KABOOM !
almost SIX pounds hammered my line!
at this point - i had my biggest fish - to date - on my rod --
that made me a happy soul ! :))
before him, it had been years since i caught a fish that big. when i did? i named him .. i named him 'uncle George'
hmmmm... now that i see 'uncle george again..
he doesn't seem so big after all.
i think i've caught many fish bigger than him since then :))
he's still a nice fishy tho, isn't he? that was my first 'nice fish'.. kansas 1998-ish.
i was quite the chunk myself eh?
so, after my big catch, it was soulmans turn again -- and he got his record catch, and THE record catch for the Falcon trip-- a whopping EIGHT POUND BASS ! and one of the very few photos of him without that UV protective buff thing over his face :((
we had soooo much fun! i don't even know what was more fun,
catchin fish or watchin each other catch fish. it was all fun!
we both broke our big bass records - him with 8 pounds , me with 7.3
i don't know what i will do if i ever do get 'walter' at ten pounds or better. i just can't even imagine pullin in a fish that big after what it was like bringin in the ones i did on this trip. it was insane!
after i had time to think about it , i realized that my bigger bass wasn't much smaller than soulkid was when she was born! she weighed 7 pounds, 9 ounces. my fish weighed 7 pounds, 3 ounces ! and for soulman, his was BIGGER than she was at birth! it's just crazy to think that a bass can be bigger than a baby!
this was my biggest BASS of the trip - 7.3 lbs
just a few ounces bigger than the one i got just before it.
and only SIX ounces less than my child was at birth!
soulkid - 3/9/1994
7.9 LBS
here is soulman, and his almost 7 pounder - with the greatest catch of his life :))
this one weighed in at 6.8 pounds
this is my other big one -
i got him first that day.
biggest fish of my life at that moment. you can see it on my face can't ya?
i was even happier than i look!
bringin in fish like these isn't as easy as you might think either -
it's actually quite hard work -
some of you have heard me use the term "bass burn"
i had it worse than ever from this trip --
it was/is well worth it tho. it doesn't hurt anymore.
but when it did hurt - i didn't care :))
what i DO care about is bein home finally. it seems like we were gone for a month. it was so strange to be away from soulkid for that long. she did good tho. except for the fact that one of the first things she told us was that she quit her job. ummm. yeh. she did. when the cat's away , the mouse will play. no. it's not as bad as it sounds. she had another job offer. it just doesn't look like it's as secure as she thought it was when she quit the job she had. live and learn. she does have other options though. good thing we didn't stay away any longer than we did i reckon. :))
other than that? i had about 23 words with friends games goin when we left -- i didn't play a single word on our trip. ummmm... guess where that landed me? yeh. the doghouse. if you play the game at all - you know it forced me to 'forfeit' every last game. i didn't do it on purpose ! don't hate me! is 23 goin through your mind like i'm crazy for havin that many to begin with? it IS crazy, but it happens. it doesn't take long before ya end up with 2 or 3 games with every one ya play with , and the next thing you know - there you are with two hundred games goin and you're just outta control! then , see what happens? so don't hate me, i was on my hunny-moon :)) i still love ya <3
i really just didn't barely touch my phone. only a few trimes to update facebook, and of course i talked to my soulkid every day. other than that - i did nothing but eat, sleep and fish :))
now, i am on the verge of recovery, and gettin back on track with life and my peoples, and my biness. i have medicine to refill, bills to pay , errands to run.. next week i have appointments to get to... just life in general to get caught up on and the groove to get back into. so y'all should be seein me around a little bit more. i hope that's a good thing? it is for me. cuz i have missed y'all.
anyhow, i must get offa this thang. my eyes ballz are burninnnnnn
g'night folks!
hope y'all have a happy day tomorrow - and a happy week ahead!
Falcon Lake sunset
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)