it's a two-fer tuesday

(the below post was transferred from jamies comment box. i figured i would put it here , just because if anyone misses it there-- anyone who needs to see it might catch it here. )

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

apparently, in an earlier statement i left here... which i clearly have since deleted... for obvious reasons...was a bit misinterpreted by several folks as unkind to jamie/ "dear liza". that was not my intention.

the written world here in blogland is often "misheard" , so allow me to clarify a couple of things.

first - when it comes to taking things the wrong way in the written world -- i am the worst one in the history of blogging. i can take the simplest of words and perceive them as a personal attack.

apparently that happened here. and some people understood my "reaction" / comment as anger towards jamie or maybe even a disregard to her home, or hospitality. it was neither, i assure you all.

jamie has a gorgeous home. she says she didn't clean house while i was there so that we could spend time together... what i said about her house truly was a compliment-- meaning that she has an immaculate home... that doesn't need constant attention.
she is a wonderful hostess, and i was very spoiled by her there. she even brought my coffee to me in the morning. she's a great cook, and i can't brag on her enough. i am not used to being a guest in someone's home, and maybe i didn't think about the fact that i should have mentioned all of that when i got back. she even remembered that my favorite candy was peanut butter m-n-m's.. and when i left i hadn't eaten any-- so she let me take the whole bag home.

i don't know how to right what damage i have done, by what i said. it honestly wasn't meant the way that it was "heard".

so.. i guess i can't say any more than that..
except that i have apologized to her for embarrassing her publicly on her page -- through my own white-trashism.
and i also apologize to her kids, and trav.

i had a wonderful time there.

and i thank her for that.

i guess that's enough out of me.

sincerely-soul

what the hell just happened?

i mean really. WTF!?

wasn't it just a couple days ago that i was states away from here sittin in my best friends house, feeling at ease, laughing - sarcastically of course - about all the bullshit that life can throw at people. (us, mainly-- cuz most of the time it's just friggin unbelievable for either of us.)

and i'll be damned if if everything didn't go right back to the norm just as quick as the airplane got off the ground. it's just bullshit i say.

i had planned on comin in here and of course bein my sarcastic self - and write some long ass post about the kid gettin sprung from the hoosegow today . she does, but y'all already know--
and yes i'm a nervous wreck. blah-- i'll save it.
i just assume it might end up at some point like a bring your daughter to work day ---

maybe like that poor fellas.
(or not)

but anyways. things are ok here for the moment-- always subject to change at any given moment-- i'll let ya know how that works out.

but - like a boy-scout
i am always prepared.
well.. almost always.

what i wasn't prepared for was some news i recently got --- and i really don't know how to handle it. well cuz, i just don't. i know what i want to do. what i'm willing to do. all that sort of stuff. buuuuut. always a but right? but- i am afraid to act -- due to my fear that i can't be of any help anyhow. or my help isn't wanted in this situation... or maybe it's the timing.

i honestly don't know. i know my heart is always in the right place. but my mouth or actions never fail to screw shit up.

so i reckon i am outta heah ---
hoping y'all have the best day possible in your worlds today=

what a day what a day what a dayyyyyyy

obviously, i began this post last night-- but it ended up in the draft file-- due to "early have to go to bedism."

can anybody say

"holy crap batman- kill me now" ????

i think i just may die tonight. or very soon thereafter. i am one whooped pup tonight.

i don't even understand how everything that happened today -- could have happened in only one day. of course, MY day, began at 2 somethin in the morning, but still, it was quite a day. for me at least.

it wasn't all "bad" stuff.. it was just "alot" of stuff. and.. it included Dallas..- an hour drive-...soulkid....mall hell..with a capital H... soulMan... and a suspected stolen rental car in Iowa. (y'all know my hate of thievery, thieves, and everything that goes along with it--- not to even mention the fact of ME being the victim. especially when it's possible that it was my own negligence. or stupidity. or senility...that caused it. ughhhhhhh. when i got to this particular point in the day-- i was already wishing i had the fortitude to voice my disdain of bein at the mall..and excuse myself to go lay down in the car. i was sooo frickin tired, and in pain, i couldn't handle it... but i did manage to pull thru-- even after this :

we had picked up soulkid, at rehab at 11:00 am--got to keep her til 5pm this time. (did i say that? sorry if i did.) but anyhow.. first-- we headed to a dallas mall--- ugh. dallas. another favorite of mine. you know. i was at least grateful that it was sunday, traffic was light--for here-- hubby was driving, i laid in the back seat - reading a book - everyone was quite content. we get to the mall-- a nice mall, i'd never been there... but we were stahvin, so we ate first. we did good there-- nobody fought or complained-- and we all actually SPOKE! to each other. not like usual when one of us is an outsider listening. we ALL talked. and it was peaceful, and there were smiles, and even laughs. and the food was good. and i really enjoyed feeling normal for a while. we all did. the weirdest thing? it's beginning to feel "normal" more often.

walking was really a bitch for me for some reason yesterday. and we walked ALOT. they accommodated me, and walked slow-- i know it bothered them, because naturally they walk fast---- oh hell, who am i kidding-- everybody walks fast in comparison to me. i was almost carrying my right leg-- but still biting my tongue... not whining--tellin them i'd catch up etc etc. but they hung back-- and they didn't get upset either. there hasn't been that much peace and calm, and acceptance between any one-- or two even of us in this family in almost two years.. no exaggeration. soulkid didn't drag me away from stuff that I actually wanted to look at. usually i don't get that chance-- i might be lookin at something and she'll come drag me away to see something she wants me to look at--- it gets extremely frustrating. especially when i don't even want to be there. which i never do. :/

anyhow--- she really did need "stuff"-- because we all know where her cash has been going this last many months-- don't we??? "could it be perhaps.... satan"
(that was a SNL church lady quote--in case ya didn't know :))
so, yes we kinda let her splurge a little. BUT , on the good ole fantastic of plastic. mine. one of which -- the only one that had any decent amount of money on -- or so i thought.
we were in one of the stores. the second , i think..maybe third-- but at one of them before-- i had broke down and bought my own self a book... yep-- i know. rare that i buy myself something like that-- well, it wasn't just A book-- it was an expensive book. but i wanted it. i became veruca salt-- and i bought it. theeen.. we were at another store... and i began to think about that particular credit card. it was the same one i put the rental car in iowa/KC on-- plus a $200.00 deposit--that they actually ran, and held. well...i get this "tape runnin thru my head" - of when i returned the car at the airport. and my stomach turned a few circles. i walked over to soulman, and asked:

"do you usually get a receipt when YOU rent a car?"
"YES, why? YOU didn't?!" he immediately knew what was headin his way. -- "did you turn in the keys inside"
--i shake my head---
"did you get closed out?"
"uhhhh, what's that mean?"-- "you know i don't travel alone like this, and i didn't think about any of this til just now." --- scrambling in my no defense havin--defense.

i could see on his face that he was havin the exact same thoughts i was havin. 'someone stole that damn car'..and WE are gonna have to pay for it. POS-or not.

well, holy crap-- i don't think i ever even rented a car by myself. if i did- it was over 20 years ago. i don't know how to do it.

he asked me what exactly happened-- what did i do when i took the car back????
---k. well, i drove up the return aisle. got waved over....

--- he says -- were they wearin "hertz" shirts?
-- well, no, coveralls.. it was freezin.

-- then what?
-- then the guy said he would drive me to my gate- so i wouldn't be late-- and he did.
--- soulman shook his head in -- pre-defeat.
---- i felt very very very very stooopid at that moment. for turning over a car--and keys-- to "someone"--and getting NO proof whatsoever, in return. ugh. talk about nauseated?
= i just walked outside. i had had only one cigarete in about two hours by this time-- i am trying to quit-- but i really needed a cig. that second. i went out, lit a smoke, and called my credit card-- to see if the deposit from the car place had been refunded yet??? it had NOT!
sick stomach, sick stomach, instant migraine. omg.

---- next i called the car place in KC.. i told them my story-and my fear-- she went into the computer--and found the car-- closed out. i was so relieved i wilted. she said it could take 48 hrs for the refund because it got back on a saturday. i didn't care at that point. all i wanted to hear was thhat they HAD the car, and MY name was not on it. i just didn't wanna get sued for a friggin avio. because of my own ignorance. but yep that was a relief. and a huge one.i have no friggin idea what i woulda done-- or had to do-- if that guy drove off with that car. i didn't buy their insurance-- i always-- assume that my own ins covers a rental. i'm not even positive they do. i just hope :)) told ya i fly by the seat of my pants. :o

but worst case scenario?? soulkids first car would be an avio. niiiice. assuming that it was recovered. that was about thirty minutes of my life i'll never see again. not that i want it back-- it was terribly stressful. but a enormous relief in the end.
*
anyhow-- i met back up with the soul clan-- and we continued to drag our asses--i mean walk the mall.. and shop-- or look in stores. we began to run out of time, nearly an hour drive between us and rehab, and not much more time than that before soulkid had to be back. soooo, she had a bit more money left in her "budget" , so of course she was gonna cash it out before she lost her chance. our last stop was sephora --
after about what felt like a damn month in there-- i felt a grouch alert comin on, and i saw one comin on soulmans face. two old folks can only take so much mall hell in one day. but were ending the day/visit, and so far no one had argued, no one had cried.. everything had been smoothe sailing the whole way through--- and i was not about to screw it up in last hour. no way. everyone of us was trying to damn hard this time to throw it all away. so to keep the peace-- we let her look just a few more minutes-- even with her knowing, she wasn't spending one more nickel.

by this time i was just flat out exhausted and in some extreme pain. my legs mostly . neck and legs. we had been walking for hours, i had to sit- several times; but in sophora-- (they had a table thing, so i sat on it while soulkid was lookin at stuff)-- stuff i didn't plan to buy-- i just wanted to be home - now. not go home...i needed to BE home. i didn't have so much as a asperin with me. i was dying. on the verge of tears even. but i did so good. i really need to stop bitchin about pain. (and shit)--i'll work on that :))

so anyhow, this lil "table" only had a part of it that would hold my ass :)) cuz it had a display of some sort on it too / thhen almost immediately after i sat down, an employee came over -
she says...
"are you alright?"
"i'm fine"
"are you sure?"
"yes, i'm ok, thanks"
she was waaay over concerned. well, that - or i just really must have looked worse than the ole soul clan was lettin on. this woman was actin like i just got up from a seizure or somethin. it was weird. freaky even.
i couldn't get rid of her , she was like a mom hangin over a sick baby.
"can i get you some water???"
i must have looked like i was gonna have a heart attack or something. hell i don't know--obviously i couldn't see myself.
i finally convinced her i was OK. and that hubby and daughter were "right there"
and she left. ugh.
i guess folks just don't want people collapsing in their stores eh? it's all about money i spose. even tho i don't sue people. i figure if i crap out-- it's just cuz i suck-- not the place it happens. :))

anyways.. i don't think i ned to tell you--that was our cue to leave. ---

do i have to tell you that i had no clue how much she was spending? i don't do make-up-- therefore, i don't buy make-up. she handed me crap.. i held it til it was time to pay. i will spare you the horrid final bill, but i will say the kid was thrilled. stoked i say.
me? well, not so much. i nearly had a coronary when i paid it. but-- i did pay it.
she was very happy--- it was nice to see her genuinely happy--naturally happy-- and she was thankful and grateful-- not just for the stuff, but also for the nice day we had as a family. actual peace. i haven't felt that here in a very very long time. none of us have.

i really think things are gonna start to change. if not? well.. i guess we'll just move to --- i almost said alaska-- but hell no--- :))
somewhere far away and warm. but i feel good about this. finally.

maybe the gettin out of here for a few days-- and jamies perspective on things-- really made a difference in how i can look at it now. last week... i coulda walked out and not looked back. at least i thought i could. i don't know how realistic those thoughts were--or if i would have acted on them... but they really were consuming me.
no escaping allowed i guess.
"soul, this is your life; stand up and deal with it"
ugh... i never dreamed that this is where i would be sitting at this stage in my life. but are any of us where we thought we would be? if you are-- i wanna hear it.

i must go. i have much to do-- before my kid gets home tomorrow. that sounds almost weird-- as weird as her calling rehab home. changing it to the place i stay. ugh.

i hope every one of you are safe and healthy and happy-- and your children are the same.
hugs to you all.

i'm home, and fed, and my dead - sore self is planted in my bed

and that just might be sayin somethin considering what i spent about a hundred miles driving on this morning. i don't do ice guys. if you read my earlier post--you know why. it scares the crap outta me. in fact, the stupid little rental car i was driving almost came out from under me just as i was turning out of jamies complex this morning. no shit. i was at a red light in her parking lot-- it turned green...i made a left turn..and whoops there i went-- slidin across the road. i just don't do ice. needless to say .. the 2 and a half hour drive took me like, oh say.. four damn hours. yes. really. it took me so long that jamie called as i walked into the terminal to see if i even got there.
she's used to that stuff--- not me. ice country people drive like the road is dry--- which is terrifying--just so ya know. big rigs would pass me-- on the icy left--fast lane.. i could envision the big ole trailer sliding into my cracker box tinker toy of a "vehicle" - goin 49 mph at the most. they hated me, and i didn't care. i hated them too. cars did it too, but the big rigs were the worst--- just whizzin by. i'm lucky i lived through it. the way i feel, you would think i drove to frickin california. no kiddin. all tensed up--and the car felt like i was sittin on a friggin cinder block. not to mention havin to go out in the freezin cold at like 530 and clear off about 3-4 inches of snow, and scrape ice, and sit in the freezin car til it warmed up-- which took like half an hour. POS avio. NEVER buy one. never even take one as a gift. it's a horrid vehicle. i can't even call it a car. it's a nightmare. but-- i am grateful it did it's job, and got me there safe. can't ask for more i reckon. well--- comfort shouldn't be too much to ask. you'd think.

anyhow--- i do believe that i am cooked. i am so tired i can't even see.

hope you all have happy weekends..
i hope to---
i do have a large hurdle to jump tho
pray i don't break my face on it. :))

my bags are packed-i'm ready to go - all i can see- is F'N snow

seriously folks, it's frickin snowin here . and i don't mean texas style. i am in iowa, and it's snowin like iowa is tellin me to get the hell out. the weather has pushed my time to leave for the airport up an hour-- just in case. ugh. i was gonna head out around 9:00 or 9:30 -- originally and drive to kansas city to the airport. on the way here i made it in just over two and a half hours on the road. today? God only knows. i'll have to leave around 8:00, and hopefully , just hopefully, not find myself in a ditch. and make it to my flight on time to get home on time and not spend a million hours in a stupid airport. i am not a frequent flyer-- i don't enjoy flying -- and i absolutely hate sittin around waiting. anywhere. be it an airport-- or a doctors waiting room. i just hate doing nothing. well.. sometimes. i guess it is waiting. it just makes me nervous or something. but anyhow -- oh how sweeeeettt--- the news just came on and said the roads are "snow covered , and travel today will be trecherous".
isn't that delightful?
y'all know i am not aq snow person. the last time i drove on ice-- it was a total surprise goin over the mountains in santa rosa new mexico on my way home from my moms funeral... i managed ok.. but i lost my ass end of my pickup i couldn't tell you how many times-- and there were two or three fatal accidents i got the pleasure of passing on three hour trip over that mountain that normally would take 45 minutes.
the time before that when i drove on ice-- or an ice storm really -- was in whichita, when soulkid was about 5... in a jeep even... on black ice-- it was actually just moments before the ice storm. i barely touched the brakes, but i was on an overpass... next thing i knew we were spinnin in circles across the two lane (4 lane) highway, a coffee cup between my legs flying out of my lap and spilling all over my jeans--- it was horrible. the next thing i remember was letting go of the wheel and turning around to see if soulkid was ok in the back seet-- first yelling her name. we went sliding down a very steep hill, that at the bottom was a concrete culvert i guess (?) i don't know if that's what it's called.. but there was a creek or stream there-- at the top where the jeep "landed" was a flat concrete "top" -"platform?"-- to the culvert-- we were sooo close to having had rolled down that hill.. or flipping over the edge of that "thing" and into the freezing water. it was so scary. no one up on the hi-way could see us. nobody knew we were down there. within five minutes the ice-rain-snow- whatever-- began comin down..and hard--and fast. i was afraid to take soulkid out in that at all. i was afraid to leave her in the jeep. so i couldn't go up to the road for help. in such a short time visibility was zero. then i got afraid of getting run over if we went up there. i tried and tried to get that damn truck to move-- nothing worked. i was soaking wet and freezing to death. i was too scared to constantly run the heater; from stories i had heard. i didn't own a cell phone. i was in hell. froze over--literally. we had to have been there for two hours-- freezing to death and scared. finally i had to brave the storm. soulman was off work that day and home--asleep-- i bundled up soulkid and we struggled to get ourselves up that icy snow covered hill.. it felt like mt. everest at the time.. it was horrible. as soon as our -- well my-- head pooped up over that hill.. a pickup truck honked for us to get in. it was scary because i couldn't see into the truck.. but 1 more second in that weather would be 1 second too long; so i opened it-- well tried to--it was froze shut-- so they kicked it from the inside--- i sheepishly peeked in, silently praying for a safe ride to a phone.... and it was. it was one lady driving, and she she told u to get in. she only needed to take us like a block or two to the closest pay phone and of course soulman came and rescued us.
but i have to say--- that has been on my mind since about 2:30 a.m when i saw the snow-- and snow plows outside.

and oh gawd -- look at the time-
it's just about time for me to fly. well... crawl apparently. so far from what the news says-- my first hour or so will be pretty bad and snowy-- and scary :((
after that it should be alright-- if i make it that far--- whaaaaaa

anyhow-- so far the flight is on schedule..that's good.

keep yer fingers crossed peeps-

i'l talk to you from HOME

when good cakes go bad

this is what jamies cake and oven looked like

last night-- only DOUBLE IT !!

(leave it to me, to miss THE kodak moment

of our visit)

well hell. i don't think i even realized that today was my last day here at jamies place -- until i just read her post for today. i do leave for home tomorrow. of course i know i need to go home and get back to reality... and unfortunately -- responsibility, and obligation... such a joy.

why can't i be peter pan?

we have had fun here. through snow, cold, and even each of us having a pain day or two... it will be a bit tough to leave here . i'm sure it is time to go though. i'd never want to overstay my welcome. but it has been a good time here. we've laughed, and we've cried, and i've actually walked in the freezin cold friggin snow and wind, and temps that no one else would have ever succeed in forcing me into. -- not a long distance-- but trust me-- walking out the front door in this stuff is far enough for me.

last night i met her kids-- they are just as great as she has always told me. i already felt like i know them all, and apparently them , me. jamie has told them about me and me about them forever... so we were all pretty comfortable when we met and they came for dinner.

actually, her youngest was kinda sick and didn't make it, but i had met him once before. and like i said, even then it was as if i had already known him. i just feel like i fit in this family somewhere.. i'm just not quite sure what the role is-- an aunt? perhaps. but it was nice to meet the kids.. they aren't kids-- they are on their own.. but i'm old and they're kids to me. anyhow, no one was uncomfortable or shy-- it was comfortable , conversation was smooth, jamie made a delicious dinner-- refusing to let me help at all :(( -- i'll tell ya , there have been times at my own relatives homes that i have been more uncomfortable. so all was --- is --well.

she mentioned blowing up a cake in her oven last night. that was pretty funny. something i can't say that i have seen happen before. but just that it happened ... not long after she had said it was a easy recipe that could never be screwed up-- made it all the more funny.

right here is where i would cut and paste the photos and commentary... but for some reason.. her laptop will not let me cut and paste pix.

but it was similar to those pix-- only much much worse. there were two round chocolate cake pans, which had both exploded-- at least twice as high as the one pictured above; leaving two or three times the mess in the bottom of the oven.

again-- i offered to clean it up-- she refused-- and she did it herself.

one of these times -- i'm just gonna have to knock her out and do some work around here.. i'm runnin out of time though.

anyhow--

looks like it's about time for us to go freeze to death again., oh , i mean, go to her old town and check up on some stuff. at least that's what i think we are doin.

ROAD TRIP !!!!

WOO HOOO

gypsy--- now it's really thelma and louise style :))

but it's too F'N cold for a convertible dammit.

sooooooooo,
yep-

aside from the 12 degree HIGH temp , and predicted ice storm-

you know i love it.

happy days to you all-

don't drink the water !!!

oh my Lord.. i had been warned about the water here in the great state of iowa --- but i had no idea that it would be so bad, that it would cause flashbacks of a most terrible time in Hell (NM), just from the very first--- and last -- taste of it. can we say *GAG* ? i'm not kidding either. the water here is only comparable to moriarty , NM...and Big Spring TX. both of whoch would make you choose a long and painful death from dehydration, before drinking the slew they call "fresh tap water".

ok, now that that is outta my system... on to bigger and better things.

i am still at jamies' place-- well, obviously. i leave for home on saturday morning. i think i have travelers remorse-- kind of the afterthought of leaving so much responsibility behind... and being so far from hubby and kid.... but at the same time--- it's actually relaxing here. and y'all know i just love jamie to death.. but it's a very rare occasion to visit face to face. so, i'm likin it. hopefully she won't throw me out on my head before my flight is scheduled. cuz , well.. "i got no place else to go ":))

we are two tired and gimpy gals-- as opposed to wild and crazy , which is what we would be had this been twenty years ago... but we still have fun, and she still makes me laugh like no one can. all she has to do is laugh-- (snort)-- to make me laugh.

so our plan today will be-- i beleive -- to drive to her old place of residence-- a couple hours from here -- and take care of some business she has there. that oughtta be real fun. both of us, owwwchin and ooochin the whole way.;)

perhaps we'll go roller skating or go cart riding to take the monotiny out of a day while i'm here.

hahahahahahaha yes i am kidding-- but could you picture it? i have-- but it aint pretty.

it's so good to see her, y'all, you just don't know. it makes me proud of my soulman first of all.. that i do have a husband, and father who can be trusted in the situation i left behind.. to handle things, and handle them well. he has never not "let me" go anywhere when i asked-- or said i was or needed to go... but i do know that it is not easy for him at this point to be home alone, me here, and soulkid in friggin rehab. not to mention-- sushi is in heat! LOL

but at the same time-- i think it is also time that he needs for himself. to get his own mind clear and do something he really wants to do for himself-- that normally can't, or won't because of me or the kid, or whatever. such as jam out on his guitar-- which usually gives me an instant headache and drives me out of earshot.. which makes him feel bad. he won't have to worry about my noise issues for a few days-- and i really do think he will enjoy that.

insert hendrix here-- cuz this thing won't

let me move it---

obviously i don't have my laptop--

i carried as little as i possible could.

and he can play his x-box full blast--to his hearts content..without headphones.. omg, i still want to shoot that thing sometimes... but i'm gettin used to it. so he can blast that thing too-- and talk as much as he wants to the other guys on there.. without feeling laughed at--which he is everytime he plays -- :))

other than all that stuff-- all's well here. and at home. the kid is fine, the ole man is fine-- and jamie is -- well, she's jamie :)) -- nah -- she's good too.

and me? welp-- i'm good too.

and lookin sooo forward to this day trip today that you just don't understand!!!

woo hoo!

happy humpday folks--

i've killed her laptop battery --

catchya later---

flyin by the seat of my pants

well folks i finally did it. finally decided i'd let go of some of the stress here and take a break. in just a few short hours-- too short i might add, seein as i am not even close to ready--- i will be on an airplane, headin to jamies' place !!!! yep-- that would be dear liza -- and or simonsays to some of you. always jamie to me . a visit has been needed for both of us for quite a while lately, but time or pain levels wouldn't allow it. well, yesterday , i said screw it. i'm gettin a ticket, and we're gonna have fun for a few days. however much fun a cold and snow whimp can have in iowa in january --- well.. i'll do my best. she promised she wouldn't wouldn't let me freeze to death-- so if i don't come back-- blame her :))

i shall see you folks later on-- sometime.

hope your weeks are happy in your worlds--
i have a good feelin about mine -- finally.

laterz people...

i'm too tired to "speak'

but here is the first haul
of 2009

soulmans' #2

and my only #1

the next right thing

IT'S THE UGLY SOUL SHIRT !

bought on a whim... in october. which when i came to my senses a couple days later, i was gonna take back and exchange.. remember it? well guess what? i failed to mention, that while trying to find something to wear one day near christmas-- i saw it.. staring at me, unworn, still hanging in my closet. alone and forgotten.
is it really as ugly as i think it is? cuz it's too late to take it back now. i still find it hideous. who taught me how to shop, i wonder.







so anyhow-- i know i said i wasn't gonna post- i think i'll just-- take the pressure off and post if i feel like it. or if i have time. i really accomplished a lot of stuff that i just could not motivate to do, yesterday. i even fished - for a short while. didn't catch anything, but being outside was real nice. but lately-- like the last couple weeks, i waste litterally hours, sittin here trying to write. and that's not how i like to do things. if it comes it comes.. if not-- i aint gonna force it.
i really do need a break, but i need y'all too. so i'm in the middle somewhere. i reckon i'll just be around here and there... eventually i'll be caught up on my life, and my family, and maybe if i'm really lucky, i just might get interesting to read again .

this is our year y'all. so many of us struggled this passed year. really, most of us did. this is our year to regain control, and take our lives back. circumstances are hard to change, and lessons are hard to learn... but the outcome is ultimately up to us. we can't save anyone, we can't change anyone. we can only do the next right thing.
this year, in 2009-- i'm giving up the guilt. i'm giving up the responsibility of others feelings and actions. and i'm gonna stand at the helm again. i have been beat like a mule this passed several months, and nearly gave up. i did give up. but i won't stay in this pit forever. i'm stronger than this. i'm stronger than "circumstances". i'm stronger than woh i've become; letting people bully me. letting sadness take over my spirit. that shit's over...

i won't surrender to this. i can't let it destroy me...or my family any more.

today, i'm gettin of my ass and puttin christmas in a box-- again. and if christmas never comes again, it will be too soon. but lookin at it all just stare at me, makes it worse, and harder to motivate to get it outta here.

things that have happened to and with my family this past while have crippled me in many ways. but i will rise and walk again. i lost many battles this passed year-- but the war is not over yet... so i still have a chance. i also have a lot to stay in the fight for.

ya know what i want to do ? aside from the obvious that is.
some days i honestly think that i just want to sleep-- until i die. just xanax it up ya know. sleep-- wake up-- take pills -- sleep-- and let the cycle continue-- until whatever happens happen.
i know that living with people-- sleeping around the clock will eventually land ya in a hospital-- unless thay are totally neglectful-- and mine is not. but that thought does cross my mind. nice escape tactic eh? well... not really.

alcoholics anonymous says--
"we will not regret the past , nor wish to shut the door on it."

meaning we learn from our mistakes, then we move the hell on, and --do the next right thing.

i have felt that way before. i did accept my past, my now, and whatever came my way. just not this time. not for a long time. but if i had it before-- it has to still be there somewhere, right?
somewhere beneath or behind all the anger, and rage, and self pity . not to mention the guilt and self blame. i let some vortex of negativity eat me alive this past year. then my family for desert.

well, i've had enough. today, i am reclaiming my life. one priority at a time.

i need to wake each day and be glad that i woke up. one day, i won't.
i need to just do what i'm supposed to do, and the rest will fall into place. at least that's what i've heard.

so ayhow-- we get to see soulkid today-- for three whole hours, on a pass. i hope it will be good. we miss her. but we can't beat sobriety into her. she has to want it..she has to live it.. she has to grab on with both hands and learn everything all over again. we can support her, and love her, and be here for her. but her sobriety is her deal. i cannot be responsible for her using-- or staying clean. not anymore than anyone else is responsible for my sobriety.
i can drink anytime i want to-- i just don't want to. well-- i do. but i can't. not if i want a normal life, and a healthy daughter. so-- that's where i'm at today.

just doing the next right thing. whatever it is in front of me. whether it be dishes, takin the christmas shit down. visiting my daughter. staying sober -- one more day. or digging myself out
of these pits i find myself in. i can only do what i can do for me. anybody else-- they can do what they can do for them. but me playing God, well, it's just too much. and he doesn't need a wife-- so, my place is here. not in my head.. not in some far away "happy place", not curled up alone and hiding in bed. not drugging myself to sleep 18 hours a day.

so. i'm gonna get UP and pretend to be alive again. i'm gonna clean house, get some groceries, see my child, tell her i love her, and i'll just go from there.

i think it's time for me to take a break from here

actually, i've thought that for a couple months, but today - i'm sure of it. i just can't keep trying to pretend that things are ok. nor can i keep whining that they are not.

i didn't start, or continue this blog to get sympathy or pity from anybody. seems these days -- that's all i get-- or people don't come or if they do they decide they just can't respond to such crap that i spew.

i can't write a decent post anymore. i can't leave a decent comment anywhere anymore either.

so.

this blog-
until further notice.

i love you guys and all that mushy stuff.
but i have way too much happening here
to have my focus lie in a world
that distracts me from what's most important.

i'm afraid if i don't get back to reality,
and face what's goin on here,
i will continue to fade away.
until my whole world is gone completely.

and that is not how i want to be.

i really do hope every one of you has better luck, better health, and very much happiness coming your way.

i do expect to come back when life levels out here-- but , i can't be certain that will happen. the leveling, or the coming back. i spose time will tell.

hugs to you all

SOUL.

it's finally over--finito-- behind us -- good riddance and fuck you 2008 !!

welcome 2009

at least i hope so. it can't be a much worse year. it could be. i just will keep thinkin positive and believe that better things are coming for all of us.

sooo anyhow--

HAPPY NEW YEAR Y'ALL !!

who actually went out and did anything? believe it or not, we did. not anything big; we went to the movies, and saw

this-

it was a very good movie. sad at times. but good.

we got home just in time for the last five minutes of the new york - new years show, and watched the ball drop, and had our traditional toast. first time it ever included the words fuck you to the previous year. hopefully the last.

and i reckon that's about it.

i've attempted a couple of posts , that now sit in my draft file. unfinished. my brain is just fried i think. too much goin on lately i guess.

i just wanted to wish everyone a happy new year--- i planned on emails or texts-- but i'm a old haggard woman and i must sleep now.

catch y'all later.

mughnday madness reigns in soulland

GOODBYE OLE
CHRISTMAS
2008
YA BEATCH !

ANGEL-TIME
SOULMAN - W- SOULKID

1. 

2. WHAT WOULD YOU DO

FOR KICK ASS SHOES

LIKE THESE? SKULLS
DUDE !

3. OH? YOU'D TRY YOUR HARDEST
NOT TO LAUGH AT THE GIVER?
HOPING HE DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO WEAR THEM?
YEP THAT'S WHAT I DID!

(YES , IT WAS A JOKE - PHEW!)

4. HERE WE HAVE THE

"WORLD WIDE SPORTSMAN"
<----------- I THINK--

THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS. :))

5. UNFORTUNATELY, SOULKIDS
PIX DIDN'T COME OUT TOO WELL.

(SOULKIDS SIGN SAYS "WE DON'T REMEMBER
THE DAYS, WE REMEMBER THE MOMENTS")

6. YO DAWG,
I'M JUS - CHILLIN

7. JUST TIL THEY
HAND OVER THE CHECK
FOR MY COMMERCIALS TO
SELL COLOGNE --
THAT'S RIGHT,
I'M GOIN INTO
ADVERTISING.




8. THEY SAID I AM SO HOT THAT I COULD SELL SOUL!!

RETAIL IS NOW: $55.00 (ONLINE) -- DON'T TELL
ANYONE , BUT- "ROSS" HAS IT FOR $9.99!!!
SO, SEEIN HOW HER MAMMA DIDN'T
RAISE NO FOOL ; THAT'S RIGHT WHERE

SOUL WENT TO GET SOME FOR SOULMAN!

9. FAT CAT JITTERBUG JUST HAVIN TO GET
IN ON THE ACTION - LOVIN THE WARM
NON-DECEMBER TEXAS WEATHER ON
CHRISTMAS DAY!

THIS WAS FROM MY PAL ;
JAMIE -
:))

soul angels o6 - 08
Ya oughtta see the other ones
:))

OH HELL - HOW'D I GET

IN HERE? ANGIE SENT HIM

WHEN I WAS SICK. :))

(HIJACKED SIGNAGE)

/

HERE
COMES

A
HUGE
BIG
GIANT
WHITE
BLANK
SPACE
JUST
SCROLL
PASSED
IT
K
-------
:))
BYE
OH
KEEP
ON
GOIN
THERE'S
MORE
---
BUT
I'M
GOIN
TO
BED.

just lock me up somewhere would ya

does anyone want to tell me what the hell is wrong with me?? nevermind. i think i already asked.. and declined a response that time too. i already know what's wrong .. i just wish i knew wth to do about it.

anyhow--- apparently i did write a post on christmas day-- kinda sorta. it ended up in drafts. and apparently it laid there til just now. in the meantime , i began thinking that i wrote it yesterday. even told y'all i did. perhaps i may need a lobotomy? something. my mind is fried. i'm not likin it much either.
so-- if you wanna see it-- scroll on down below the last post, and you will see the christmas day post-- that really isn't very christmasee. but it's there. at least i wrote-- which means i thought about ya.

ok-- now i'm off, and back to the other post i been tryin to finish, but keep havin to go away from.
now i'm tired and ready for a nap-- i wonder if that will stop me again, cuz as we know--- it's always somethin.
i shall forge on tho -- for you. through tired eyes, and a grumpy soul, i will continue to write a very boring boring post-- just for YOU.
cuz i just am that way. don't fret-- it's a good thing.

OK FOLKS, SO I'M BACK. AGAIN. FOR THE THIRD TIME.

well hell. i thought i posted this last night... apparently, i did not. it was saved to drafts. i was sleep posting when soulman came to bed and nagged me til i turned it off. i wasn't even smokin. but, my neck was twisted in a most painful position, and he knew it hurt me just by lookin at it. no tellin how long i sat there with my head laid over sideways like a rag-doll. owwwww.
so anyhow. i kept tryin to finish the post, but i kept fallin asleep, kept gettin nagged at...and finally shut down and went to sleep. which i'm sure was the best thing i coulda done. i'm sure i woulda got assy very soon if i didn't shut up when i did.


(anyways-- there's a little blabbering in the comments below.. other than that-- i reckon i will toss this up--and either work on another-- or go say hi to you folks. not sure which.. cuz as usual for lately-- i'm just tired.



in fact-- when i saw soulkid yesterday, she asked if i had a black eye! i said no, i'm just sportin the old lady bags.. you like? she didn't. poor kid carries too much. we'll get back there later.-- )

--- return to last nights babble---on----

SPOT SAYS
HAPPY NOT CHRISTMAS ANYMORE !!!

let's see if we can get a productive post out of me this time , shall we? yes, let's. no. i am not talkin to myself -- i'm talkin to you. whoever you are. wherever you are.

so, first, i'll tell ya, i'm a little distracted at the moment..no, not by the hot christmas fairy-- but doesn't he look like somethin you'd love to find under your tree on christmas morning?? or perhaps christmas eve.. for those non morning people?? :)) i do believe he could cure anybodys grinchness. i wonder if he does dishes.

i'm actually distracted cuz i'm eatin some leftover turkey; smoked perfectly on the big green egg -- ohhh yum! it soo beats the hell out of government cheese and peanut butter. have you ever had the pleasure of government commodities? hmmmm. well, the cheese isn't bad really. get into the "meat", and ya just gotta wonder.... wth it truly is. ya know? alien liver? sheep clone brain loaf? only God knows.. but it can't possibly be legit meat. that mooed, or clucked, or any of those farm song sounds. nope it's obviously some man made goop. or maybe even man. but it aint no animal. or meat. ugh.
ok let's get movin on.

Another distraction? some sirens just stopped blaring like right outside my back yard. which, over the fence is a junior high school, and a two lane/two direction street, and a four way stop intersection. somethin is always goin on out there. the other day i was sittin here-- at my desk in my office, and heard a car wreck. first, the skidding rubber locked and burning on the road; then came the anticipatory wait... and there it was... the crunch of metal to metal when the two vehicles collided. ugh. always better than a THUD. always. especially due to where i live. one block down, about six months ago, a kid was hit and killed by a car there. the driver was only nineteen years old. the kid was stoned, the driver was not. his life will never be the same.

(speakin of cars---- note the new "2009 KIA SOUL"" -- if i could ever get out from under this car of mine i would get the soul. ugh. i think i failed to mention in my car bitch post-- i am like 7 grand upside down in my car i have now. it's sickening. i like that "soul" car -- how cool would that be?? if any one of you gets it - you have to tell me FIRST! ok?)

hmmm. that came from no where. sort of. but not really. i tend to think about that sort of stuff a lot these days. how how cheerful and holiday - ish. right? well. i'm sorry. that's just the way it is. and that's why i'm so glad that all the hoopla is over and done with, and i don't have to pretend to be happy and smiley all the time anymore.
i can go back to bein the same ole bitch i always was. people can tell me everywhere i go to "smiiile".. and i can tell them to "shoooove it". and we'll just all be on our merry way.









i gotta ask ya though before we go on... just what could be cooler than a soul car? well other than a soul car-- made by someone other than kia. feast yo eyes ballz upon this----

it's a dad-gum soul-phone !!! OMG!! i could scream like a teenage girl at a boy band concert ! a soul car AND a soul phone ! i want them both. i can't have either. but i can want all i want. and i want those.







i bet you're wondering why i'm bein such a bitch aren't ya? well, first, i don't want to tell you. but second, i can't keep not tellin ya-- and continue to blog. at least not if i want readers-- or especially "friends who happen to read here" . because just in case you haven't noticed... the writing... or in y'alls cases the reading.. i guess, has kinda gone to hell over the last few months. won't you agree? it's ok, go ahead, agree.



i think i'm ready to tell ya why that is. in case i at least think ya don't already know. i have a feelin at least one of you has figured it out by now. maybe i'm wrong, but i don't know. i just have a feeling this person knows me pretty well. and i don't have to say much for her to pick up on stuff. never know tho. but she hasn't asked, and i haven't said.




so--- if you can't tell, yes , i am stalling. -- but even i didn't notice it til just now.
what will i do about that? well, i just got me a box of cracker jacks out of my christmas stocking, and after i get over the shock of just how cheap-ass they got with the surprise inside, i guess i will get back to where i was going.








ok. where was i? ahhh yes. something has been goin on out here. something big. something hurtful, and scary. and something that i guess i never thought i would have to deal with in my life. but i suppose, that as parents, we never expect to face a lot of things when it comes to our kids. do we?



we know there will be possibilities that they might make poor decisions at times. or bring home some bad grades now and again. a daughter may get pregnant too soon, or ask for "the pill" much younger than you'd ever dreamed she might. a son, maybe he'll join the military before finishing high school. or marry too young. or even himself end up with a baby at 16 or 15.
parents do consider these things might happen. but isn't it moreso in a maybe, but not my kid, kind of way? we might have a "just in case" speech tucked away for the day our 16 year old comes home pregnant. or maybe wants to quit school.



how many of us are ever really ready to face, live with, and accept, protect, fight with, forgive, and help, a fourteen year old drug addict???? how many moms and dads -- really know what the hell to do in that situation? when you're lied to? stolen from? pushed away? yelled at? disrespected? over and over and over and over, again-- until you can't sleep at night, in fear of the kid climbing out the window? getting in a car with older kids and going too far away-- getting in trouble, getting arrested, getting killed, getting raped, getting too stoned and just flat out getting her dumb ass pregnant?? how many are truly ready to live like that? to love a person that you would just as soon punch in the face, and shoot everyone she's ever associated with in the head??? how can a parent love someone so damn much that they would kill or die for them, yet their deepest desire is to run as far away as possible to spare herself from the emotional devastation around her?? who on this earth is ever ready-- or even willing for that?
that's what i thought.


and who, is ready, to blab all of it to the world? friends. neighbors. strangers. acquaintances. anybody? i don't think anyone is.



so, that's where i'm at folks.. all you friends. neighbors. strangers, and acquaintances. and. that is why my writing, and your reading has sucked here lately. because my world has been falling apart, and i have been trying to keep it a secret. if you haven't noticed, i am not a very good liar. i am not even a very good secret keeper. or half-fiction writer. when somethin is wrong in my life that i don't want --or refuse-- to talk about... it just makes itself be known, somehow. this time, i gave serious thought to shuttin down altogether. just not write at all. but y'all know i can't do that. i wrote here for months without anyone even reading it. that's still funny to me. what's funnier is that so many people found me. and stayed. and still like me. omg, some even met me, and still like me. some are related to me and still friggin like me.


when i started this thing--- i woulda-- and i prolly did--tell ya-- the whole world was against me and i meant every bit of it. i don't feel like that today.
nope. i just feel like God's out to get me. LOL. a joke y'all. i have to keep my sense of humor. that, and write. without either, i would surely keel over. which means i need YOU too. cuz, without y'all.. i would be right back where i was before. alone. agoraphobic. in my head. not fishin, not laughin, not functioning , ole soul.



little do you know it, but y'all have made me a stronger person this passed year or two. however long it's been. i could name names, but i won't do that. i believe each one of you has added your own special ingredient to make me this new "soul". and without each of you-- i wouldn't have made it through this last year.



i have shared a lot of "this" with my very best friend in the world-- and you all know who she is-- i'm still not sayin her name. :)) and recently, i have leaked some, here and there to a couple others. when i learned of some of this stuff, i did write here about it-- but the more serious it got-- the more i shut down.. or internalized it. but, still, the majority of my friends here, don't know what's been happening. not everything. not why i may sound..write..read...not write or read--or talk----or act-- (in a sense)-- differently.


am i stalling again? i feel like i'm repeating myself. dammit. not on purpose. you know, just kinda goin around in circles. i just catch it now and then. anyhow--
i'm obviously gettin to-- or talkin about soulkid here. before school got out-- may-- april-- i don't even know anymore. it just kinda happened. while it happened it was all in slow motion. but standing here today, looking back... it seems like a flash in time. but i swear, soulman and i both have aged ten years in the last six months. and all three of us, as individuals, and as a family, have walked through hell, and got burped back up----- TWICE. and hell is still chewin this time. we're just waitin on the next big belch.


but hey, we're doin the best we can. and better than that? so is soulkid. no longer do i want to run away. soulman doesn't either. i'm pretty sure soulkid won't be runnin away either. there has been times that each of us were ready to go our own seperate ways--on more than one occasion. it's hard to stay in a situation like this---- but when it comes to the nitty gritty -- it's even harder to walk away from it.


there's been helplessness, hopelessness, argueing, fighting, threatening, everything from shouting and throwing things, to silence and the big big words like, "leave" , "divorce" , "move", and "ship her off to gramma."


she did change schools... more like, we allowed her to, at her request -- but against MY better judgement.
y'all know about the geographical change thing though right?? but-- as it happens --she seemed to have followed herself.. along with her problems... and now she is in inpatient rehab for drug treatment. along with that, comes family counseling-- not only her personal counseling, and NA meetings, etc. she attends regular schoool in there as well.



she was allowed to come home for christmas-- for a five hour pass. subtract driving time ---- i saw my daughter on christmas day for four hours. not counting the alone time she spent "doin her thang" in her room. blasting the not missed music through the walls, putting the not allowed in rehab make-up on, primpin with the hair-do, and whatever else it is she does in that place she calls home. prolly changed clothes five hundred times. :))
then she came out and actually watched a dvd with us-- that was a first, in an extremely loooong time. we felt connected. and it was good. i was happy. well, as happy as i could be under the circumstances. but, i didn't feel that disconnect--or distance-- or claustrophobia-- that has smothered me for the past several years. it was the best christmas in this house in a long time. and it had nothin to do with money, or going somewhere, it was just us, and a pretty modest gift exchange. well... the kid got a nice camera-- but that's what credit-- i mean debt-- is for-- right? the rest, she was happy with.. even tho it wasn't like some other years. me and souldad never care about our gifts.. 15 or zero-- it's about her -- she was happy-- we were happy.



i don't know, but nobody fought, nobody yelled, we all got along, we smiled and laughed and hugged, and it was a good day. it was hard to say goodbye. she didn't want me to ride in the car-- but not in a mean way-- it's a control thing... a radio thing. you know teenagers. so i stayed here. and i really didn't mind. y'all know i hate traffic, and loud music, i was fine not goin, and so was she.

------that was yesterday -----

----below is today-- and more stuff to bore you with ----
----ya may wanna take a break about now.---

today, at 3, we had a family counseling session. i kind of knew what to expect, because last sunday, we had one as well. that was our first one since she got in there. it did not go well. at all. and i will take the hit for that. just as i did today with her counselor and her. i don't really know why--- i opened my mouth-- we fought for an hour. that was sunday. then tuesday-- for visitation... again--- i opened my mouth--- we fought--- the babysitter person.. "intervened" -- we left the visit thirty minutes early. i have to say, i expected today's session to kill me.










i went hesitantly but tried very hard to not go in there defensively. i think i handled myself well. she did too. actually, so did her dad. sometimes he will try to protect, or defend one of us-- usually her :)) -- this time he didn't talk unless or until the counselor asked him to. and as far as my kid or i yelling or fighting-- it just didn't happen. maybe a couple raised voices in defense, but we each caught ourselves and backed back down.



i really did kind of know what to expect, and that was only because her counselor had told me that she was going to read me a 7 page letter she had written me. (as part of her therapy--that i will reply to--there is a format to follow) . so , for days, and part of why i was worried about christmas being tense, i've been waiting to get blasted in this "meeting".
on the way over there, i told soulman, "i bet i coulda wrote this letter, i know what she's gonna say."


and i did. i didn't get to see the letter-- she didn't have time to read all of it to me. but the part she did read-- discuss-- etc, with me/us.. was exactly-- to a T -- what i was expecting her to "talk" about. i was proud of her though the way she delivered it. and for me, the way i handled it and didn't get defensive or arguementative with her. at least i don't think i did. it went nothing like i thought it would. i guess i can't say more than that. i expected a lot of anger and blame. and although i did get that-- it wasn't in as harsh a way as i expected.



so yep. that's my life for the last chunk of 2008...

and below is a bit of sleep bloggin for ya :))

well folks-- you gotta gimmee an a for cimmeean a firtkk3klllllll