MY EYE!!!

click on any pix you want to see bigger---
esp the fish that got cut in half
he gets whole again if ya click him.


chow peeps

sleep deprivation does nuthin for the soul

yep i am still awake

how on earth could i sleep, after what happened to jitterbug?















just look at the poor girl !!

coulda been worse tho...
after her shenanigans!

just look what happened to spot!!!

so anyways...
i have an idea--
i know most of you are a bit past the age of movies like this -
as we all are i think.
but for those of us with tweens or teen daughters,
we may have seen
"the sisterhood of the traveling pants"
yes? no?
well... my idea is this;
blame sleep deprivation if ya wanna -
but i think it would be fun.

y'all know the ugly soul shirt, right?
this one --

well, i been thinkin... ok not thinkin... it just crossed my mind a while ago when i saw the pic again. so i siad to myself--
hey self, wouldn't it be fun to do the ugly soul shirt, like the traveling pants? !


well, i think SO. not sure about y'all... but here's what i wanna do---

what if we mailed the shirt to everybody-- and they take a pic wearing it, and post it on their blog;
so we can all hijack it? (the photo)
i think it would be the coolest thing, in a collage frame---
us and all our peeps wearin the ugly soul shirt.

if anyone wants to do it-- just let me know. i'll send it to the first person,
then they send it on to someone else on the list.
whaddaya think?

prolly that i'm crazy--- but really--
even if it's a little small on ya-- like brad :))
wear it open over a t shirt.

it could be fun.
and how many of us are just rollin around like pigs in FUN lately?

y'all willing?

i'll even spice it up a little---
the person who looks the stupidest in their photo

wins a NO expense paid vacation tooooooo :

WHO'S FIRST?


BWA HAHAHAHHA

goo'night peeps.
and :

"aure vois"

:))

F.R.T's , fat clothes, and sleep bloggin

i did think i was gettin a second wind --but it musta just been a "fast repetitive tick." (F.R.T.) bwa hahahaha!!!
i'm kidding. and i know most of you weren't here yet when i wrote that post-- so i guess it's only funny to me and my sleep deprived self. but that's alright. right?
i've heard worse ya know. hell...i've said worse too.





so anyhow-- i bet most of you are sleepin. that's really where i should be. it sure is where i planned to be by now-- or til now-- or at all. but once again i didn't make it. i assume i everntually will though. i have to actually-- i have a lot of shit to do tomorrow and i do not wanna be sleep drivin again!








i don't know why, on nights like this--when i pass a certain time--like i spose 3 a.m without makin it to bed--or to sleep--it just seems like "why bother". ya know? alarm hell starts at 530 and every three miunutes after that for another thirty. it just drives me nuts,. so, i stay up-- or maybe doze off in the chair-- but y'all know-- that does no good for the ole back and neck.











i'm sittin here now though, thinkin... man, soulman is gonna be up soon, and here i sit---that's just dandy. i know he won't be able to not say anything about it. "mr nagathon".
oh, i mean that in the most kind way.
but he will come out here bitchin... "you were up all night weren't you??"
and i'll just be like charlie brown when the teacher talks..
" mwa mwa mwa mwa".
i can't get upset today, and i wont-- not over something i have no--;ok little control over.



well, ok... it isn't quite that bad around here, yet--- but when it gets to be-- who's gonna help me haul him to new mexico??? he has a big ole installed tool box in the back of the bubba mobile. :))

bwa hahaha!

y'all know i'm just kiddin. and sleep deprived.
and mental. (certifiably so even.)

it just gets to me when every day---or every other day-- it's the same ole thing...
did you sleep?
you were up all night weren't you?
you need to rest.
OMG...yes i know. i don't plan it. and i don't like it. and really-- the worst part is upsetting those who care. well, that, and sleep driving. no fun at all.



oh hell, do i even know what i'm sayin? i think i had a direction when i started this--- but you know me...
i have zero sense of direction... where's the vocabulary garmin? (GPS)

it would be nice if they had one of those for writing huh? blogs, poems, short stories, etc etc. just throw a couple words in it and it could suggest shit to ya. like a rhyming dictionary, a thesaurus, or even just a second veiwpoint. this of course would be for peeps like me who have no identity-- and rarely leaves the house,


holy shit , i'm gettin tired-- do i make coffee, or go to bed. decisions decisions. i've been drinkin "decafinated swill" for hours. GAG me. never again.
so, hmmm... maybe i'll make coffee, and when i get back i'll tell ya somethin. ok?





ok--- well i am back. in fact, i have been back. i was adding clip art while the fresh coffee brewed. now i have a cup-- and shall continue with my half sleep blogging.

i don't guess i have too much else to say--- just that i'm gettin fat people! it's the med change. it has to be. i think i'm pushin over ten pounds now-- and none of my clothes fit anymore! it's awful. a few pounds would have been ok... but bustin outta my clothes-- (mostly pants and shorts)--that were loose to begin with? ugh. a nightmare i say.

WAKEUP!!!
here i come-- nekkid and freezin. what a wild woman!

actually--the other day i went and bought some new clothes... it's just that i am no tryer oner. never have been. so now, sometime today i have to find the time to go to four stores and get my refunds and exchanges.










has anyone else noticed-- todays clolthes just suck ass? well they do.

so wish me luck on my exchanging excursion eh?





oh PS- did i mention that the tile fairy came out yesterday?

ooooh lala

soul-out--
happy friday to you all--

waking up on my death couch - ugh

couches are not meant for sleepin on:

that there is called a coffin-couch. lemmee tell ya, at 2 a.m. i may as well have slept on that thing. it's been over an hour since i woke up, and i still feel like i got run over. TWICE!


yesterday was another rough one. one more night with NO sleep,makes the days get worse and worse.
i did get a nap after i ran around and did some other stuff, but that wasn't til like 2 iin the afternoon i think. and after waking up behind the wheel of the car on my way home from the doctor-- half way on the wrong side of the road !!! i am surprised i didn't get pulled over. my gawd..it happened like four times. i didn't think i'd make it home.

at about 6 hubby woke me up .. so i woul be able to go back to bed later and not stay up all night again. my gawd that shit's gettin old. it's unnatural to not sleep for days at a time--and it is really beginning to affect me.

we had salad for dinner, and watched american idol. well.. i watched part of it. after i ate-- i had to lay down, so i moved to the couch to watch. within minutes i was fallin asleep-- but denying it when soulman would try to send me to bed. i really just wanted to spend time with him,,,, seems we've not seen each other in days-- and i never sleep--so what's wrong with that picture? so anyhow-- he'd say go to bed.. i'd bitch, "i'm watchin. i'm awake. leave me alone!".. i was a bitch, didn't mean to be, but it's not like i plan it when it happens anyhow. guess that part of me is inbred----i am my gran - gran. ha-- that would be my mother. she was mean too. and i am beginning to get mean... not the "sarcastic" bitch " i claim to be. i have crossed that thin line.
i reckon blood clots and seizures, and drug addict kids, and xbox addicted hubbys and messy houses and too many shittin , peein, pukin , scratchin furniture animals, will do that to a person.
i hear "this will pass"--- but ya know what i have learned? the shit does pass--- only to slow down in front of me like "a damn not knowin how to drive driver on a cell phone so i can run into it again".. ugh.


so anyhow- i wake up this morning, at 2 am. on the killer couch-- apparently , he did "leave me alone".....cuz i swear-- i feel like hell. from head to toe i hurt everywhere! i think i may sell that couch today. it is not a layin down on couch. in fact, i don't have a layin down on couch--and i want one! but it aint this one.
this one damn near killed me. so it is outta heah... today if not sooner. money or not--i'll donate the son of a bitch, and buy one i can actually relax on.
the theater seats were a big mistake. anyone want to buy em..cheap? or trade? i'm sick of em. but hey-- they're paid for. which is more than i can say for my bed. :O




sleepin all contorted on that thing left me feeling like hell swallowed me whole when i woke up. ooooohhhh the pain. even my hands and feet hurt---not to mention my head, back and legs-- and neck. ugh-- my neck. someone just kill me.
but hey, i am slow at posting-- so since i started this post i have taken aleive , had 2 cups of coffee, and sat up in my soul chair--- for like 2 hours. so it's not quite so bad now-- but it's still bad. and aggetating. this body of mine. and couch.

i think i am learning to live with the pain. i do have a decent doc finally who understands and does prescribe pain meds-- but they really aren't enough, not in strength or numbers, but they help. and i appreciate that. even though i have begun hiding them..even with soulkid in rehab, i hide pills...and then cannot find them !!! like this morning. ugh. yes, that's why i took the no no alleive. cuz i forgot where i hid my pain meds. how stupid.
i swear i'm losin my mind, and the forgetfulness is gettin so bad--- it is beginning to get me in trouble. i make promises, or say things-- then i don't remember it. then the end result is lettin someone down. sucks to be me. but oh well. time for an altzheimers test.
cuz apparently-- i promised soulkid i would take her to austin-- for a "fun weekend"--- when did this happen??? i have NO recollection of it. but she and her dad do. so i guess i said it. i did plan on takin her on a trip-- but it wasn't to friggin austin. there is nuthin i want to do there. i would love to go tubin again-- but the water is too cold right now. so that's out. wtf?
anyhow-- to cease an argument-- i agreed-- fine we'll go to austin. even tho i don't remember talkin about it-- and i don't wanna go. dammit.

i don't know why i worry right now-- i don't have any idea when she's gettin outta rehab anyways. by then maybe she will change her mind...or i will. or perhaps someone will forget about it. like me.


welp-- i think that's about all i got for now. except the mysterious underlining. always shows up when i seem to be frustrated about something.

what might that be, i wonder? hmmmm.

one thing that i'm pissed about is yesterday i went into a damned convenience store to pee and get somethin to drink... i bet i sneezed thirty times in that store. then on the way out i noticed i didnt have my phone. ugh. the cashier wanted me to fill out some form for a store card-- when i said no i have to go find my phone--- she said whats it look like?
SNEEZE__SNEEZE---- it's in a black holster.
she held it up--
SNEEZE..thank you!
i haven't sneezed since-- but my nose is like a broken faucet. i've sprung a leak.
it better be some new allergy to somethnin in that store-- cuz i do not wanna be sick right now.

anyways--
the second video--i was surprised it took the right song--- but when i redid it-- i had two songs and a whole lot more pix that did not go on it. how frustrating. makin those things can be a real bitch sometimes.

so-- do have happy days in your worlds today---
i'll get back to you on mine.
maybe.

oh hell, is anyone else awake at this hour?

it sure wasn't my plan to be, but is it ever? nope.
soo anyhow-- i was about to start this post at 331...when i noticed that---i stopped and waited for the 333. (a.m.) don't ask me what it is with that number-- for real, i don't know what it means. i reckon i just notice it a lot.

anyways.. i told y'all i'd be back to finish the previous post-- but i obviously got busy. it was worth it for a while tho---my house looks really good today. just a little more to do and it will look mahvelous. hubby got home from work early and gave me a hand. just cuz we were expecting the tile guy tonight-- but it was his turn to reschedule with us i guess. so he will be here tomorrow. i can't wait to have all my shower tiles back up and 2 showers usable. ugh. you just don;t know the frustration. well of course you do, who am i kiddin.

lately, i have been terribly stressed--and i reckon manic too. i rarely sleep lately and it's drivin me nuts. i used to wake up at this time--- now i'm lucky if i even go to bed at this time. i'll bet five out of seven days a week--- i am up all night long. it causes nagging from everyone around me. hubby, soulkid, doctors, even soulkids dr's. as if i don't know that i need to sleep. ugh. 6-12 hours a week of sleep is just not gonna cut it if this decides to last much longer. not much i can do about it tho. i take my meds... i've switched my meds. wth else am i supposed to do?? i clean, i do taxes, i write, i do nuthing at all some nights, and others i make playlists and cd's online. i have actually made some pretty good cd's/ i even get to listen to them in my car--- when i'm alone. :))

so-- speakin of music-- here's a video i found on utube, that seems suitable for the situation here. while that plays you can cruise around i reckon. see if ya missed anything.
here ya go-- i'll move up--well, no i won't i'll just put it here, then finish below that. sound like a plan? it works for my fried brain.

vid

vid

so-- as for the rest of the story---
the other video--darius rucker-- i put on here earlier today--- it was actually not the original song i had chosen for it. i chose a nickleback song-- in honor of my smocha.
y'all know she just loooves nicleback. me? a few here and there--and i like this one. but-- as it turns out-- my pix turned out a bit long for the song--as usual...grrrrr...so i just added another song, and let it go.

hope you like it.

ok now i'll post this video-- that i planned on this afternoon ...before utube bitched about copyright crap. and move upstairs. k.
luv ya


well shiiit--its darius-- i'll get it figured out later

for now--play the nickleback and watch the other--if it will let ya ughugh

BWAHAHAHA IT WORKED!!!

vid

when it Raines it pours :))

my catch o' the day yesterday. :))
only one but i ran out of time.

anyhow.. i'm not done with this post yet but i have thangs ta do.
so come back later. k

happy tuesday

why does this take soooo looong

dedicated to my soul peeps :))
happy days to all of you out there

(i had to leave while this was uploading--but now i am back...and here you go--)
enjoy
(the stupid thing decided it wants to stick (stop) around 3:00 on the timer thing--just click the sliding play guide a little--you only miss a few frames. i;ll work on it more later.

i gotsta run

so, whaddayathinkabout THIS???

	Sun		Mon		Tue		Wed		Thu		Fri		Sat
	64		77		76		80		66		68		70
	45		49		54		55		51		49		51

help i've fallen and i can't get up!

holy hell guys--

i think i fell into some kind of never-ending vortex, and landed into someone elses life!
or not. it's still all too familiar here. nothing changes nothing ends.

we were supposed to get soulkid on a five hour pass today--- that aint gonna happen now. we got a call last night from her counselor--- she told us that the girl didn't earn all her points that are required for the week. she is only lacking five points-- but no exceptions. she decided that it would be ok to slack off-- and back-talk one of the employees. so now it cost her. finallllleeeeeee--- consequences that will stick. bad thing? WE suffer too. i wanted to see my kid. oh well. it's about time she learn some respect for others.

sooooo--- what will we be doing instead? it's a workin day. the guy to repair our shower tile will be here monday. i don't know why i thought he was comin today-- but thank GOD he isn't. this place is a disaster area. even though i have been trying to get it cleaned up. i can only do so much in a day---which is actually only a few hours. i have been extra busy lately.

i reckon that will change too tho- as i was discharged from my group thing yesterday. what a terrible day for that to come to an end too. well, i wasn't totally discharged. it was supposed to be my last day--- but because of my---ummm... state of mind? -- the counselor offered to extend me the two days that i missed and let me go on mon and wed next week. well... i thought that might be a good idea--at first. until someone opened her damn mouth and said one of the things on the-- "you should never say this" to someone who has " . .?.. " list. to me. after she knew alot of what was goin on with me, she said it anyhow.
what happened? well, among other things-- like tellin her exactly how i felt about her comment..i decided-- i am outtah there. i'll take the discharge thanks. obviously, i've got all i'll get out of it anyhow. too bad tho-- i was improving-- til yesterday. wtf happened? ERG.

anyways, it was a terrible day. i knew--and everyone who knows me, (in the real world-or the virtual world) - knew i would crash if i didn't start sleeping. and the night before? none. again.

so...i didn't really start sleeping--cept like one night a couple days before--and i did crash.. and i crashed hard. i even mentioned to my counselor (before all the drama) that it wouldn't surprise me to end up back in in-patient. but- i suppose i am "safe", but may not have been if i would have changed only one or two words in talking to her. (safe meaning by not bein locked up).

why? cuz another lady in there--spilled her guts too--- in a way that anyone that has ever dealt with shrinks-- and hospitals--knows that if you don't want to get locked up-- you just don't say. they came and took her away-- to the funny farm. i feel bad for her. but she will be where she needs to be for a while. usually only a few days-- and it really does help-- if you let it.
but she said she had gotten drunk, beat up her separated - soon to be ex hubby---AND wanted her sleeping pills that were confiscated by her mom.
no she isn't a kid-- she's older than me--- but she wanted them to o.d. with.
i asked her-- well couldn't she just give you a couple every day-- i'm sure she doesn't want you to not be sleeping.
she said i don't want only a couple!!!
the counselor gets in there with the "risk" questions-- and the lady flat out said she had a plan and wanted her damn pills to carry it out.
--- well... from experience-- my own-- (and that i've heard)
i know that if you really want to--you can back-peddle your way out of gettin locked up sometimes---- unless or until you say
"i'm just TIRED".
for some reason... that seems to be the clincher in gettin put in-patient. (unwillingly). the counselor made a call-- fifteen minutes later-- someone came to put her in the hospital. yup--the quack ward.





so anyways-- where was i?? who the hell knows anymore. not i.

i know i can tell ya that i have failed yet again at another attempt-- one of my few best i might add-- at quitting smokin.
i am back to two-plus- packs a day. from less than half on the chantix. damn the man. damn his chantix too. i'm hearing more and more bad things about that med makin people go off their rocker. but for me.. i don't think that was the only thing-- but i do know-- it played a huge role. never again. chantix is the devil.

i don't even chew much of the nic-gum anymore. not seriously. i'll chew it if i need to pass an amount of time without a cig-- but i don't even try to not smoke lately.




oh-- ok, i know where i was goin. i was talkin in group yesterday-- and not doin well, i might add. it was a shittttttay mornin. so i'm just blabbin away-- not to mention cryin like a slobberin cry baby. ugh. if i hate anything it's crying. and if i hate anything more-- it's cryin in front of someone like a baby. (no-- i didn't sob, and blubber-- but the tears owned me.)
so of course--- due to the topic of my discussion... and the tears-- which the counselor knows don't come for me, unless i feel really bad. she decides to suggest i go back in the hospital!!
ummmm, NO. even tho i did suggest it a possibility in the near future. (well, hell, it fell out of my mouth..i didn't mean to say it--and i aint goin back in)

my life is a mess. i know i'm not the only one who has some of these problems. but i will admit, i feel like i am the only one who understands a lot of it.
i also know how it is that some other people just don't get it. and that's ok.
oh hell. i'm tryin to think--or write too fast--- and i don't even know what i'm sayin. but you know what i mean. right?

well.. i have stuff to do-- so i need to go try to get my shit together. that should be fun. not.
maybe i'll just go on a cleaning frenzy and forget the world. ya, we all know how well that works, right?

yesterday-- btw-- was also strange in the sense that--
1- i went to a coin machine to shed myself of 50 pounds of change---
know the total?
33.30 -- yup for real.

then...
2. some canned tea-- a twelve pack. know the price?
3.33! i wasn't gonna get it, but i couldn't resist! :))

there was another three three three-- but i forgot.

but as for my morning trying to get out of the house--already running late?
1- the cat puked on the couch...
2- the dog shat on the floor
and
3- just so happens-- i drank 3 cups of coffee!

happy days peeps---

i found one-- a meme

------------HAVE YOU EVER---------

* Ever been so drunk you blacked out: yup more than you can imagine.

* Put a body part on fire for amusement: NOT on purpose—but I laughed when it happened. --- it was mine! my hand. hmmm.

* Been in a car accident: several. maybe 4 or 5. I was only driving in one of them.

* Been hurt emotionally: mmm ya. Only a few hundred times.

* Had an imaginary friend: maybe—or perhaps the little people in my head :))

* Cried during a movie: Yes, but not often..

* Had a crush on a teacher: yep-- my sixth grade teacher.

I did date a navy instructor once – oops. One date tho—he was pretty weird.

* Ever thought an animated character was hot? LOL.. is this for real? When I was a kid? I hope. cuz i was like 5. Speed racer maybe.

* Had a New Kids On the Block tape: am beginning to think this is meant for the younger peeps. But for me.. hell no.

* Been on stage: yep—a couple times. LOL- with smocha. good times. back in the day.

* Cut your own hair: OMG—just ONCE—it was horrible. And humiliating. My lady told me if I ever got that desperate again to call and she would cut it for free—I never dared to white trash myself that way .. but I also never cut my hair myself again. What a butcher job I ended up with. oooh flashbacks. ugh.

-----------------FAVORITES-------------
* Shampoo: don't have one.
* Color: Blue, black,: dark blue
* Day/Night: Day.
* Summer/Winter: Summer
* Lace or satin: FLANNEL?.
* Cartoon Characters: tom and jerry.
* Food: deep fried, full of fat and flavor, southern shit..
* Fave Movie: lots and lots—but if I had to pick only one to have in my house forever—I spose maybe it would be—this boys life—or perhaps—maybe napoleon dynamite—you just don’t even think about being sad in that movie.

* Fave Ice Cream: pralines and cream, java mocha—mocha java whatever.. a few others.
* Fave Subject: sociology, psychology,
* Fave Drink: Water, iced tea, coffee, and mango jamba juice.

------------------RIGHT NOW------------
* Wearing: flannel jammies ..hubby tshirt, flannel shirt
* Eating: Nothing.
* Drinking: water.
* Thinking about: All way too damn much for this time of night- umm day (it's 4:23 am FRIDAY! woo hoo-).
* Listening to: my laptop hum.
* Talking to: Y;all.
* Watching: Myself type as I go cross eyed

---------IN THE LAST 24 HRS--------
* Cried: fuckin riveri don't think so

* Worn a skirt: hell no-what for
* Met someone new: kinda.
* Cleaned your room: nope
* Done laundry: yup-- tons
* Drove a car: yep i did.

----DO YOU BELIEVE IN------
* Yourself: not lately

* Friends: one , or two

* Santa Claus: nope

* Destiny/Fate: sometimes

* Angels: yes I do- I’ve seen them—and talked to them—in human form. For real. (not like "i see dead people" -- :)) but i have seen angels--maybe three??

* Ghosts: i‘m not sure—I think so—but I don’t like to

* UFO's: again.. not 100 percent sure – but I think I have seen a couple.

------LOVE----------
* Bf/gf – I’m married and I love him—I always have.
* Ever been in love: once—to my one and only hubby
* Cheated on anyone: No.
* Ever done a "drunken stupid mistake": mmmm… maybe a few thousand

* Ever had a lesbian/gay experience: No thank you.

oh-- unless a unwelcomed "pass " counts.

-----TELL THE TRUTH!!-----------
Would you ever:

* Pay for sex: I hope I never get that desperate!

* Strip for money—if you haven’t noticed—there aren’t too many who want to even see me DRESSED for FREE!! Think about that.

* Play strip poker: who with?

* Work in McDonalds: been there , done that—lasted three days—never again.. soup line anyone??

. * Lie: Only to protect those I love or myself.

* Bitch about someone: it’s what I do best you know.

.* What's the best feeling in the world: Being at peace. Quiet mind, no pain, no worries. family not in rehab.Laughing and actin a fool !. :))
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

so -- there ya go-- that's how i spent my night-- after fixing-- partially fixing my computer when it tried to die.

happy friday people-eys

have you ever considered emailing God?

Email God; get comments : whoda thunk it?

i was fumblin around blogland, and go see what i tripped over.
pretty cool website.

SO anyhow, i was sittin down postin this thing...finally.. and i couldn't concentrate. so i got up and did a bunch of meaningless activities--

such as :
laundry
bills
organizing my closet
stuff like that. i can't hold a thought for more than a minute lately. so just bare with me. i am blog dead. i apologize.

aside from that? not much goin on here. unless ya wanna count guilt, pain, anger, slothfulness, fat pants, and anger? well yup, that's about it.
hmmm.. perhaps this could be the start of a meme?
i'll be baaaack... gotta google around a bit for a meme i haven't done yet.

OH what a "shi-cky" day in soulland

well hell people-
yesterday just seemed to be a tougher day than i imagined it would be. i was runnin on little to no sleep the night before--- yes again. it's starting to affect me --- again, yes. the few folks i do talk to tell me/remind me/ and even ask me to get to sleep at night. (naps aren't happenin too much lately either ) so yep --even bein scolded doesn't make it any easier to sleep. with everything goin on here, especially not seeing my soulgirl --- it's just tough to sleep. i think it would be for any parent-- but it is really bothering me, and affecting my functioning-- at home, business, and family. NOT good.

in fact,
it all kinda bugs me

yesterday, i did sleep a few hours.. today i did too , but it was only like two. i don't understand how i am gettin through the days, but i manage.
like i said tho-- my early to bed early to rise has all but ceased. now it's more like never to "bed"... zero dark thirty to the chair. ugh. and i can't like it.

some nights, i'm productive, and accomplish something that was put off due to lack of sleep - or time. other nights? i do nothing. play on the computer, and google myself. :))
oh quit.. i knew you'd think that. just lotsa things to research .
i walk around pretty confused and out of it .

(stare at the pic for a couple secs - :)
confused?

the group thing yesterday was rough. and not so much me. there was only one other lady there, and she had a lot to say. things that triggered a lot in me.
and when i got home-- with plans to go fishin and clear my mind--- soulman was in a bad mood. or "something". to where i was just uncomfortable. i "feel" that "energy" in the air, whether he speaks or not. there is just too damn much happening here-- and not much of it is good. combined, it all just makes me extremely agitated. "wired", you might say.

seems a LOT makes me wired and anxious lately, hell, breathing makes my hands shake-- even after 1 xanax and a soma.i know some of you can relate-- but really, it is just not natural when your kid is in such big trouble as mine is. or of course when ya just don't know how things will turn out.

oooohhhh, and if you missed it in the comments below? i get the *NAG* ; if it's not for being awake all night, it's for being tired in the day, and not napping...or i forget to take meat out--to cook at home-- or i mention my existence .

ugh.

i'm goin fishin!!!!
laterz

(began that part at 5:53 am. )

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well , it's later -- 10:45 pm -- and life's just dandy in my world. how bout yours?
yes, i am bein sarcastic. i wouldn't be -- well, IF i wasn't breathing. but, - i am. and yes i am grateful for that, just not so much for the turn of events around here today. and there were many.

it IS cuz i'm me ya know.?

BUT, i am wondering -- does life suck the life out of me, or do i suck the life out of life????

(rhetorical question btw).

oh and just so ya know--nope , no fish again today. i missed two big ones tho- they didn't get hooked, but the swirls they left ? ERG!

soooooo, movin on -

y'all know - almost -
every day here is like that dog for me.
even when i think it's good -
it isn't.

nope:

MY world can turn to shit in a heartbeat - and it turned to shit about fifty times today.
it was just peachy. and to top it all off? a freakin cold front-- with rain-- and HIGHS of 40 (F) , or less, is comin in right this second. the wind is really crankin up outside.


but, at least i am home and soulman is ok and all tucked into bed.
ahh, you probably wonder why i mention soulmans' safety eh? well, that would be one of the "shi-cky" turns of the day. (which would be shitty - sucky, if ya didn't know. "i made that up" .) anyhow, the bubba mobile wouldn't start after he got off work today.
that was after i had just woken up from a much needed nap. i wasn't all together yet when he called. he just said he needed a jump start. we were supposed to go visit soulkid ---
who by the way, is inpatient rehab if i haven't mentioned that. yes AGAIN. she had an awful relapse over the past weekend. she could have died. literally. i had to take her to the emergency room before the rehab place would accept her. see what i mean by "shi-cky" ?
anyways, visitation was at 730 to 9. and of course we were plannin on going. but not like this---
by the time i got the jumper cables, shoes on, hair brushed, and to soulmans job... it was already 7 pm. he was a frazzled wreck too. me? nope. for ONCE in a blue friggin moon, i woke up refreshed, and even somewhat happy. but what happened? well, i tried my best to calm the man. reminded him we have AAA -- oh, because my car, even after half an hour of charging on the cables ? it just wasn't powerful enough for a duel battery deisel pickup truck! it did nothing. soooo--- he called AAA , and i called rehab . i didn't want soulkid to worry, or be upset -- thinkin we weren't gonna show.
after all that was settled, i still couldn't get soulman to chill out. he wasn't mad as much as worried, but i was in a real good mood, dammit. for that moment. so again, i try to think of "something". so i suggest i go get food and we could eat before the tow truck even got there prolly. so i did. he waited , in case AAA showed before we could get back, and i went and got food.
the tow guy got there before we even finished eatin, and it only took his big ole truck, and two sets of jumpers about a second to start the bubba mobile. he left , and we finished eatin while the truck could get a bit of a charge before drivin it.

hahahahaha . surely you don't think it was that easy? oh hell no.; i am me. and, i am in soul-hell. but still trying to be ok.
soulman gets the idea to immediately go buy a batteries at a specific place that only sells batteries---
and what do ya think happened????????? oh hell yes, he did. he turned his truck off !!! and the fuckin store was closed!!!!!

it was like 8 pm by now, and we were both stressin about missin seein soulkid.
we worked out a plan for his work tommorrow -- cuz i have to have my car. and then drove us to rehab. we made it at 815--- by 835?????? I had "stepped out" twice , to calm Me this time. soulkid was a brat with a capital BBBB! she was rude, and didn't yell, but just had a tone, every time i said a word. seriously. finally, i got up and left---yep. i did.
worst part? i was crying by that time. and when i left my house just a couple hours before, i was happy. i don't say that very often. not about myself. i don't know what happened between washin dishes and a nap-- but i felt good.
except my damn back was in flames. somethin is bad wrong there. but i didn't let it get me down. i wanted to take advantage of my mood and be in good shape for the soul-clan.
but there i was, sittin in the dark car, alone, smokin and cryin my eyes out. EEE--fuckin--GADS!

so, yep-- ten minutes later--and still before visitation was to end? here came soulman. she treated him like shit too. so yes, we got there late, and we left early. ONLY to argue (not argue/ have a serious discussion) - and cry all the way friggin home!!!

aint life grand?

i hope yours IS.