progress; not perfection -

welp folks, i survived yet another - "worst day of my life ".  i couldn't have done it without y'all.. and my lil soul-clan tho.  that is a fact.  well... not the surviving part... but the makin it through the way i did.  hard to explain, so i won't even try - but i think some of ya may just 'get it'. 
so anyhow -  if any of you don't know what i'm even talkin about here ?  i shall show ya-

see him?

sweet huh?

he's my son. Patrick.  in that pic he was about 2 months old.

a little over 2 months later?  he was gone.  yes, as in dead.  yesterday was his birthday.  he 'should' have been 22 years old.  i can never help but wonder what kind of man he would be.  what he would like, what he would 'do', would he be kind, would he be nice to me in my 'situation'.. would i even have a freakin situation.  blah - i just thought of the last part.  that isn't even fair - to anyone - is it.  anyhow.  yesterday.  my first born's birthday.  it's never been an easy day for me.  it's even harder with a family.  when i was single- and alone.. i could do - or go - or feel - however i wated - or needed to .  now- and for the last many years-- i have others to consider -- and 'hold it together' for.  of course i have to admit, there have been times that was impossible for me to do.  (without help)   i'm still here tho. 

to be even more honest?  i had 'plans' for yesterday.  and things didn't go as i had planned them.  to those who love me?  that has to be a good thing.  ok .  i admit .  to me .  today?  it's a good thing too.  the past week- maybe two?  i woulda told anyone (well no i wouldn't have - cuz i didn't)  anyhow-- i liked 'my' plan, better.  even though i wasn't sure of the outcome.  it sure wasn't to hang out at home-- listen to my only surviving child tell me a dozen times that she loves me.. cook for me.  lay in bed with me.  get phone calls, texts, emails,  and FB messages from folks.  i was force fed love.  and reminded that -- i am not alone.  what i was thinking - planning -- just was not fair. 

i will never perfect my feelings or my thoughts on days like that.  i will never know how to feel or how to do the right thing.  or even say the right thing to people who care about me.  i will never perfect the knowledge of accepting unconditional love -- from anyone.    but yesterday was progress for me.  to just breathe, and accept that i can make it through those times.  if i just allow people to care.  and believe that it is real.  and not some sort of obligation or sabatoge.   it's just cuz.  it's cuz i am me. 

so i just wana say thanks.  you know who you are.  and i love ya right back.

wanna see more progress?

my soul-cave is almost finished !

i can't wait !



aiiighty peeps i gotta go take me kid to z dr.   at least it aint me this time.... bwa hahahahaha

hope you all have really good days in your worlds today.   lemmee know what you're up to.  i'm just doin busy work.

latah

and it happens again - cuz I AM ME

hi y'all.. well.  you want the good news or the bad news first?  the bad isn't 'that bad'.  it's just one - a - those things.  ya know.  one -a-those... soul thangs.

alright.  i'll start with the 'good' and work my way back. 
yesterday afternoon -- or day - was a good day -- in comparison to the last many.  my kid even surprised me with a home made lunch.  and boy was i surprised!  hand delivered to me .. as i was exiting the bathroom-- post shower.  :))  no.  of course i didn't eat it there.  we watched a recorded episode of criminal minds while we dined.  and we enjoyed ourselves.  that was some much needed alone time together.  that makes no sense but you get it. 

her new school schedule is all but stupid.  two hours a day -TWO days a week. wed and sat. ugh.  we're both goin crazy.  she has got to get a job.  lest we both go mental. (er)

so anyhow-- while we were wathin tv, hubby called (i don't know why that hi-lighted-- ignore it) ..
and asked if we wanted to meet for an early movie after he got off work.  well of course we would.  so we did.  we saw a movie called ' it's kind of a funny story'-- or some such thing.   i don't know.  it was OK.  the plan was to see "the town".. but that changed at the very last second-- literally-- at the box office.  it's ok.. i wasn't in the mood for guns and noise and crap anyhow.. so we end up in a movie about a mental hospital.  how ironic eh?  it was an ok movie-- but my main focus was on the bloopers-- such as .. lamps in the rooms, and unlocked doors; where patients would sneak out as they pleased - to other parts of the hospital. including the ROOF. that just does not happen.  but hey -- you may like it.  the fam did. and i didn't 'hate it'.

so -- here we go -- to the 'not so' good.   a funny thing happened on the way to the theater.....

me and the kid stopped at a lil convenience store for somethin to drink... she didn't want anything.. so i go in, and i get ONE bottle of water.  that is ALL.  rewind a sec-- back to the car-- she did ask me to buy a pack of menthol for her-- she has been quit for many months.. i admit there was a time i would buy them for her-- only so she wouldn't get someone else in trouble for buyin them.  yes-- against my better judgement.  but like i said - she quit many months ago- at least i think so.  i haven't seen her smoke in ages.  so-- she asks for a pk of menthols-- says she just wants ONE.  i said blatantly NO. i am never buyin them for 'you' again. (i learned my lesson) just NO.  so i go in.  i get a water.. i'm at the register.  while there -- with my 89 cent bottle of water .. soul-schleprock luck hits-- full force.
1st-- the sun is shinin right on the stupid debit card machine-- i can't see it-- 2nd it fails the first time, third-- in the meantime, whilst fightin with the machine and my blindness-- my kid is callin my cell-phone - a total of 4 times.  can we say -- DISTRACTED?   all i wanna do is pay for my water and get out of there.  well....  obviously -- the cashier can see that i am a frazzled mess... phone, machine, etc... so-- i finally paid -- took my water - and left-- i didn't see the total, and he didn't mention it-- thank you-- see ya next time-- ore vois-  off we go.

so. this morning-- ?  what am i doin?  the normal stuff i do most mornins-- drinkin my coffee , smoke my cigs-- and yes - i'm a chain smokin fool lately -- i'm a failure and i kick my ass every day for it.  ugh.  i was doin real good for a while-- hope i get back on track soon.  but-- it's the only crutch that doesn't destroy my life -- as fast as others might.  anyhow-- i see on my bank-- a charge for 6.19.  i wonder -- WTF?  i also notice -- there is no charge for 1.00 - or so.  i check for the rect. for the water-- i find it-- and guess what?  the damn guy at the store yesterday?  in my clumsy effort to pay for A water?  HE helped himself to a can of fuckin skoal!!!!!  on MY bill.  ERG!!!!!

i wonder if he woulda tried that shit if i had been wearin my hat?

what  do you think?

i think i look a lil less 'shit takin' with the hat.

guys????  why is it that i get robbed so much?  you'd be surprised if you knew of every time and every thing i have had stolen from me.  i would prolly too for that matter.  it has been so much and so often over the years, even i don't recall every little thing.  i can tell you that it has been a lot tho.  from family , to friends, to strangers, to businesses.  can't have nuthin !!!

i've had stuff stolen from my home, my car, my barracks room,  my credit cards, hell- i've had an entire car stolen. 
have i ever told you that my car was broken into while it was parked in a hospital parking lot -- when i was a patient IN a psych ward?  TRUE.  it happened.  they caught the guy.  but tell me.  what kind of person needs that shit-- while IN a mental hospital?  ugh.

i am not a thief.  i once had the opportunity -(more than once- but this is the most significant situation)

--  my family and i  - not the soul fam.. but many years ago -- my 'family/ family'.. we were beyond poor... you can't even imagine the state we were in.  i had the opportunity to take 700.00 in cash -- and never be caught.  there was no way i would ever be caught -- or seen again by this person.  it was almost like he was either testing me-- or 'offering me the the money'.. or opportunity to take it or leave it.  who knows? but, i left it... not before thinking about it, of course.  who wouldn't?  just think about it ya know.  this was a time that we lived- literally , day by day at a park, night by night in a cheap motel. meal by meal - by chance.  i did not take that money. 

if not karma?  why?  why do i get stolen from time after time?  

it's been just over a year since my jewelry was stolen.. by our movers!  of all people-- it was a guy i paid to help me.  invited into my home-- paid, trusted, bought food for.  i still feel 'raped' by him, and that business.  believe it or not-- i felt bad for the owner of that company -- because he had a truck stolen!  i never sued or fought for compensation.  the thief was never prosecuted. (lack of evidence!)- even tho-- he pawned two rings- i was at least able to recover those.  but not the rest-- and most of you know -- i am a sentiMENTAL idiot.  i don't have much- but what i do have -- i could tell you when and who gave me any of it.  so much is gone now. and i still hurt for it. 

so yeh.. a five dollar can of skoal?  some of you may think that's nothin... to me?  it's one more time.  and one more time too many.  how many thefts does it take to break a soul?  i wonder how long it's gonna take to find out???  i would really hate to be the one that does find out.  there sure won't be no timid about that.  i can tell ya that much.

oh - did i mention i did call the store- and i'm handlin it.  i'm gettin my money back -- and the guy will be dealt with.  i wonder what he drives.  hmmm. but i am on my way out the door right now to talk to the manager-- then off to take my kid to learn somethin at her school. 

wonder how i shall kill my two hours today?

y'all be happy today --
the sky is cryin here.
but i aint-

there IS some progress in this life of mine

see?  it's goin. 

and so am i -- it's nap time for me. 

OH -- look at this litho i got my paws on the other day -- i damn near stole it -- it was at a junk store -- already kinda cheap -- then half off -- now i just gotta hang it up-- HA! y'all know how well that goes around here tho.  maybe after i have my surgery -- IF ever.  i'll hang all my pretty pictures. 
whaddayathink?  it's numbered AND signed!  i really love it.

catch you peeps later -- just wanted to say hello -- so i'm gettin out of here before i say somethin depressing :))

happy weekend my peeples!

just babblin

mornin peeps.  well, looky there- i spose it aint mornin anymore is it?  time sure does get away from me these days.  maybe bein non-functional the first hour or so of the day can do that. (waitin for pain meds to kick in).  by then again, i'm doin my business stuff-- bills, banks, etc.  then i start cruisin on face-book, checkin blogs, = when i can- who i can, you know the drill.  then hell, before i know it -- it's half a day gone with the wind.  at least it usually isn't a total waste though.  i do accomplish things, as i wait to be mobile. 

anyhow-- enough of that.  whatever 'that' was. 

i was so happy this morning when i checked my calender-- y'all know , without my shedoole i would be totally lost.  i have no memory.  so when i looked at it this morning-- it was blank for today!  woo hoo!  my exhausted ass can stay home and do nuthin.  well, at least nothin that requires much movement or energy.  :))  i really do need a day of rest.  even tho it would be in everyone's best interest for me to take my child -- yeh, i know - she isn't a child anymore-- but she will always be my 'baby'... to get her damn drivers license today. 

 i refuse to face people and crowds, and grouchy government jerks again today tho.  i may- and should - work with her on her parallel parking tho. i've told her for two or three days we would do that- but she- and y'all know the days have escaped us both.  so.  once we get her good at that - we shall get her to the DMV (DPS-for some).  not sure if you know this.. but i am the queen of parallel parking :)) -- i will admit , i am a little concerned about my neck in teaching her-- guess since it'll be in the front of the house-- between two garbage cans -- i can get a few pills in me , and hopefully not feel too bad.  for a while at least.
today is my moms birthday.  she's in Heaven.  i really believe that.  as a person.. here with us?  i never thought she'd get there.  that's not true.  i guess i always believed she would.  but i never thought she deserved it.  i guess i just believe in a forgiving God.   and a lot of what harm she caused others in life -- she had no real control over.  she was one sick woman. 
anyhow-- that's that i reckon.  i am thinkin of her today.  have been for a few days.  the image burnt in my mind is a 'photo' that me and my sister had a nurse take of us with her -- at the nursing home she died in.  not long before her death.  she looked really bad.. but she had a few moments that knew who i was... and she cried when she asked and i confirmed that i believe in God and that i pray.  to her -- i think -- in that answer - she knew she was forgiven.  (by me).   at least i hope that what she heard.
she also told me she was not afraid to die.
in a morbid way -- maybe?  that was the most peaceful ten or twenty minutes i had spent with my mom -- in our entire life together. 
but to clarify my relationship- and feelings - respect- etc - for my mom? even in death?  this last june when i went to the cemetery- where many of my family - my boys included - rest... i sat on her grave with my daughter, and we spoke about her - and other things and losses there... i smoked a cigarette-- without thinking, i put the cig out on the base of her headstone.  without a second thought - i got up to walk away.... my kid, my sis, and 'vicki'  all three did have somethin to say -- my sis picked up the butt (behind me - but i figured she would - she told me later)  ...  i don't know why i told you that -- but i did.  there is so much to our relationship - i could never describe it in full, to make any one with a soul understand it.  either side of it.  but it was one -- that molded my life, and probably -- no, undoubtedly, everyone who has entered it.  possibly in a negative way.
so yeh.. happy birthday -- queen earlene.. gran gran.. mom.   and thanks for the memories.

--- sorry - i just type-- i can't help what ends up on the page.
*just love meh*

me again

hi y'all.  what's goin on in your world today?  just thought i'd ask, cuz i really don't have much goin on here in mine.  i'm just writin here to make my appearance.  see?  here i am!  i do need to get back into the groove of writin more often.  it isn't just the writing you know-- (for me) --it's the 'communication' part.  the checkin in with y'all, sayin hi, givin me a chance to let you know i think of you, and i really want to know how you are, and what is happenin in your lives. ya know.  cuz i do. i  just wanted to make sure ya knew that.  in case you forgot during my absence lately. 

*side note-- random photos ahead  :))

(randomly placed for added pleasure !)

i know.  i visit y'all about as often as i write anymore.  i apologize. but i do think of each one of ya daily-- prolly doesn't mean much tho.  right?

 it's hard to not get wrapped up in my own crap around here sometimes.  hmph. it's a little strange to think about that sentence.  or the results of it i should say.  it used to be; back in the day- the more i had goin on in my world-- the more i wrote, and acted a fool.  now?  the more i have goin on, the more i seem to shut down.  and shut folks out.

soulman - rangers vs. ny game bound!

i think many of you know me well enough by now to know that i have been fightin many medical issues for way too long now.  even on my best day, i feel like i should be in some kind of assisted living 'place'.  i 'heard myself' say to hubby only a couple weeks ago-- i don't even know what or how i said it-- but i used the word "sad", in describing my life.  'it's sad..."   that was the first time i have used that word about my life in anyway -- in my entire life.  not for lack of opportunity-- but for the fact that i had never reached that point of despair before.  when i heard those words come out of my mouth -- even I nearly cried.   it's so not me.  so not "soul." 

has anyone seen this heathen sailor??

1985

i don't mean i don't get sad.. or feel sad .  i'm human.  i mean the way i said it.  understand?  i hope so.

i honestly don't know where or even if i belong anymore.  i know - logically- that i could outlive everyone i know.  yet, physically? mentally?  for at least the past three years i have been feeling like i could drop dead at any second. seriously. i have crazy symptoms, and diagnoses, weird shit happens to me all the time. (medically).  bad/scary things- like blood clots and seizures, and headaches that make me vomit continuously for hours.  scars on my brain. scars on my lungs. (infarctions- to be medically correct).  cysts (1), and benign hemangioma tumors (2) on my liver. severe pain 24 hours a damn day. agorophobia, people phobia.  years of this. 

yet i forge ahead... slowly and clumsily... but i go.  lately, i TRY to not even mention/talk about any of it anymore.  all the crap i wrote here last time?  unless my hubby reads it here?  he won't even know about it. i'm sick of hearing about it all myself.  i can only imagine how tired my family -- or even you all- are of listenin to it.  but i do have to put it somewhere. sometime. right?

 here's where the mental part of my problems come into play. aside from the fact that i'm bi-polar (surprise!),  all the physical pain, and problems, and worry?  obviously, chronic for over 15 years... has led me nowhere but to severe and chronic depression as well.  where do you think that takes me?

 especially at certain times of the year-- such as NOW-- being as October 25 '88 is my first born son's birthday...?  every year is the same.  i relive it over and over again.  days, weeks, months of it.  why?  his death day is march 19th- '89.  no.  i wish i could tell you i re-lived his birthday. it just isn't that way.  it's the death day, and the viewing ., and the funeral. and the police -- taking his (portable) crib, blankets, and bottles, and formula, and baby food, out of the house-- as if I did something to HIM. it's the nurse at the hospital - telling me to "
be quiet, because i was scaring other patients".. while i screamed and laid over my dead babies body on a hospital gurney.  "Patrick".

i die a thousand times a day -- i grieve for two son's.  i have PTSD because it will not leave me.  both of them feel and 'look ' as fresh as yesterdays sunset. 
these scenes, and thoughts will never leave me.  not even in my sleep.  i haven't slept a single night without meds since august 1996.  when i lost my second son Jacob".

my mind, and my body turned against me when i lost Jacob.  i died that day. my spirit did. -- and now every day since i die more and more.  literally.  i am dying.  an unimaginable, slow and painful death.  that just refuses to happen fast enough.  so yep.  are you wonderin if i get suicidal?  that would be a hell yeh.  i do.  i have been for many years. and it is a hard battle to fight. silently- in 'your' own mind. but i do it.  i do it because i have a daughter.  the only one out of three children that God let me keep.  she is the air i breathe.   she is all that makes me fight through this life i am forced to be a part of.

my baby- off to home-coming

that's a bit of an oxymoron eh?

 God must have some awesome plan for one of us.  i know she struggles too.  we struggle together - at times only for the other.  and only God knows why that is.  sometimes i think she will be the death of me-- then i remember - she is all that i live for.  she is my baby-- she needs me... no matter how independent she wants to be. no matter how much she doesn't want to admit it.  she needs me.  and i need her. 

before long, she will be out on her own.. somewhere.  i'll miss her.  but as long as she's breathin... i spose i will too.  while it's in my control i mean. 

i ate him for dinner tonight

after the photo!

so damn much goin on- yet so damn little to say

as a matter of fact, yes i do have to swear. it makes me feel better. sometimes. even when i do it all by myself. out loud. to or at myself... or to no one. i just feel the need at times. so i do it. anyhow. now that that is out of the way-- i will attempt to refrain from more-- but if i fail, it won't be the first time. (at failing i mean).
some of y'all know i mentioned- once- recently, that i was 'attempting to quit smoking. i failed at that as well. i'm still managing to stay under a pack a day - which is much better still, than 3 packs a day.... BUT, i was at the half a pack mark. maybe ten days ago. i don't even like it that much any more. not the taste -- not even the effort. can you believe i even said that? 'effort'? to friggin smoke? but i don't mean it like you think. it's just that really, it doesn't give me the 'pleasure'(???)- or maybe 'comfort'(???) that it used to. yet i continue to do it. and don't really want to. i'd much rather get drunk !!!! ugh! obviously not guys. don't worry. maybe that's why i'm smokin so much. y'all know- or a lot of ya do.. me and booze don't get along. it alters my life. not so temporarily either. so when i get 'thirsty', i kinda get a little - ok a lot- stressed.

so.  speaking of stressed ... i still hadn't heard a word from the surgeon that i was referred to - so by friday- i called them.. just to see why the delay.  well.. just like the rest of the world.. they'd never heard of me.  -- but, it seems that they had moved offices recently- and thought maybe my doc had sent my referral to the old fax number.  i gave all the info - and now -- i wait -- again.  it will be even longer of a wait - if i haven't had an MRI of my C-spine in over a year-- i'm thinkin-- and hoping it has been less.

speakin of scans... yeh- i am the queen of green!  i glow.  not sure if  i mentioned it - but i had a CT a week or so ago.  abdomen. (adrenals/kidneys/etc). some interesting things came back.  but nothin to worry about.  at least that's what my -- soon to be fired endocrinologist said.  in fact he said "it's all good'.  i do not trust that man as far as i can throw him.. and y'all know-- all i can throw is a damn fishin lure... i bet i couldn't throw a softball four feet .  erg!  so anyhow...  when i heard that-- i just got suspicious.. cuz i know-- aint nuthin "good" in me.  i called the place that did the scan, and got copies of the report.  any how-- my intuition was right.  i have a NEW cyst on my liver-- it's very small.. but it's there- and it's new- and he didn't tell me .  also-- there's some kinda some shit goin on with my aorta (stomach one)- not heart.  so. WTF people?  what kinda doctor keeps this from his patient? the report has notes about being checked for malignancy of the liver-- to follow up with MRI-- did he tell me. noop.  belly aortas have aneurysms -- did he tell me -- to see someone?  not to worry about it?  noop.  actually - HE told me NOTHING.  his 'office mgr talked to me , and played relay msgr for me.  i'm tellin y'all... i am thinkin hard about suing him.. not about just this-- his nurse practitioner i used to see damn near killed me once.  i am not exaggerating.. and he acts like that 'incident' is not important-- but he does acknowledge it-- how can he not?  it is documented!  it's just one thing after another over there-- i am waiting for a second opinion.. once i get it-- and it proves he is not treating me properly.. and he is keeping me sick- and sicker --- i tell ya what-- his ass is mine- (i'm STILL losing weight! he of all should be able to tell me why!)  yes y'all i DO eat!  anyone know how much i'll weigh before i fall thru my a**hole and hang myself?  :)) 

"you'd smoke too!  LOL

anyhow--  did i tell ya we sold our giant couches?  well we did.  personally i was hoping for new furniture that wouldn't trap me like a friggin helpless animal....  instead-- i also mentioned new floors?  we opted to go for flooring first.  which didn't leave enough for furniture.  BUT we -- ok hubby- did move the office couch into the livin room... which - has a lever so i don't get stuck in there.  it's all workin out.

y'all knew already - once i got started , i wouldn't shut up-- didn't ya?
i wasn't sure-- but sorry if i'm boring ya.  i guess i should get back to writin more. 
i'll make a deal.. you talk to me more-- i'll talk to YOU more.  fair?

ok-- i'm sure i'm leavin a lot out-- but i don't wanna hold ya hostage any longer.

happy sunday in your worlds--
i shall keep you photo - updated on our flooring progress-- installed by soulman.. beginning today :))

speakin of photos -- i missed another photo challenge.. haven't been up to takin pics lately -- maybe that will give me a reason to leave the house when it's cold?  check back for the next one-- if i can remember - i'll enter it.

laterz folks-

PS-  on my proof read?  i found 2 freudian slips.. if that's what we want to call them.  one was where i wrote ' more' .. i wrote "mom".. in front of it.
and 2nd?  where i wrot 'me'.. i wrote 'ma' instead'
-- my 'deceased' mothers' birthday is october 21st. 
don't feel bad-- i don't.  it just seems weird to have written those words.  - always glad to catch my typos before y'all do'
anyhow-- i'm gone!  POOF!

i don't know about the rest of ya -- but ---

oh yeh baby!!!!  

this has been hell week for me.. and my future at this point? aint requirin any shades, i can tell ya that much.

here's to better days ahead for all of us! cuz from i see lately-- it aint just me.

CHEERS FOLKS!

*CLINK!*

soul- happenins

mornin folks!  now, i can say that .  as opposed to over two hours ago when i woke up.  the pain in my neck and back was excruciating, and i couldn't lay down any longer.  i had to get UP.  what you would think to be the simplest part of that, such as walking to my office couch - to sit, and take a pain pill, was the what turned out to be the most difficult few minutes of gettin UP i think i have ever experienced. y'all surely know who Eevee is by now right?  just in case you don't ---

THIS:  is EEVEE-

she has never - ever, since we've had her, slept at the foot of our bed.  (on the floor).  or if she has, she would get up and out of the way if i or someone walked by her in the dark.  today?  tired me, with an immobile neck, in the dark and unable to see her???  did she get up - or bother to move or make her presence known?  of course not.  what did she do?  well she let me step on her dontchya know!  then she growled her mean police dog growl- and friggin BIT me!!! yes!  it's ok.  just a scratch/bruisy type bite.  a warning.  she didn't mean to hurt me. and i really  think she was as surprised as i was.  of course i reacted with shock and anger -- ie. - cussing at her... which woke up soulman.  well.. i think the growl, snap- woke him up first.  the dog has a very audible SNAP- such as alligator jaws!  really. even playing. she has been trained in shutzhund (click there to watch eevees training video clip!).

anyhow - neither of us got hurt- me or the dog.  but needless to say - i was a bit scared for a minute. so was she and hubby.  she could take a foot off without tryin.  God knows what she could do if she WAS tryin.

so anyways-  yes i did mention my pain.  i always hurt- somewhere. y'all know that.  but the pain i speak of today is residual from yet another 'procedure'.  yesterday morning i had another 'cervical facet injection' (bilateral = both sides)  done on my neck.  this was the second time i have had this done.  and of course, i didn't remember being 'this' sore afterwards.  it rendered me pretty useless the rest of the day yesterday and night.  i slept off the versed= a local anesthetic.  then it was recliner / TV til bedtime.. then of course two or three times through the night i woke for meds- then the fiasco at 4 a.m.  now here i am, still coffeeing.

when i saw my doc a week or so ago, and scheduled this procedure... we also 'tentatively' scheduled a (nother) 'rhizotomy'.  right side.  same as last time.  unlike this time--- i DO remember that pain.  that left me with a pain that i will never forget-- and apparently my family won't either.  i can't even describe it to you- except to say that it was constant , and severe pain, that lasted over five months, with little to no relief.  with that came severe depression - of course.  and it affected not only me and my semblance of a life- but it also affected my family in a permanently negative way as well.

(just to let ya know-- in case you haven't noticed it yourself (i have been idle for at least an hour and a half here.  lookin back over the records of these injections and procedures...  then of course while telling y'all about them-- i got way too blabber-mouthy and the post got looong and bo-ring... so i had to delete it all. -- well i moved it to word - for my own records.  y'all don't need that crap but i do.  anyhow- you didn't even know i was gone- but if you noticed a gap in time- that's where it went :))

so.  back to the rhizotomy.  i say tentatively, only because it 'was' actually - scheduled for October 18th.  same side as last - right side.  a cervical facet rhizotomy.  while i was at the Dr. i asked about what might be my 'next' option if the rhizotomy were to fail, like the last one.  obviously it did.  and good lord, i was in some gawd awful pain for an unusually long time afterwards .  over five months; when most people recover in a matter of days or under two weeks at worst.  i on the other hand was in worse pain than before- and actually raised my pain med dosage to a ridiculous amount.  and just so ya know-- the medication amount hasn't been able to be changed back down, because in that time i built up such a tolerance to it- they actually have since had to change me to a stronger med entirely, also at a high dose. 

i bet i coulda found a shorter version to get that out-- but - well sorry.  long winded i guess. that's me.  anyhow.  i spoke with the doc yesterday before the needle in the neck thing.. and told him what me and the other doc i see talked about- asking what surgery 'exactly'  would be my option.  i must admit, it left me breathless.  he said as if it were a trip to the zoo! "Fusion."  UGH.  i responded.. that's your FIRST option?  "yep".   all i had to say was "i know people who have had that surgery!  i gotta think about that.

and i did.  a lot.  okrhizotomy.

well.. i am willing to do that again.. obviously-- but that is all i know.  and i suffered greatly, and probably longer than the short time of relief that i actually was given from it.  many more tears, than thanks.  but i did get some months of relief in my legs and neck. 

so.  i slept on it.  and have decided, yep.  gonna go for the surgery.  i remebered a couple years ago, a friend of mine facing surgery asked me-- would YOU have surgery? (we both were and have lived with daily , horrible, depressing pain for years)  i didn't blink an eye , before i responded with a resounding - "hell yeh i would! if it would give me my life back - i'd do it in a second!".

the recovery time is more uncomfortable, less painful, and a fraction of the time of the rhizotomy.  from what i hear- and in my case . or should be.  and the relief -- 'could' last me many years, vs. a few months.  i really don't need to flip a coin here.  i just need to not be afraid.  i really am not scared of the surgery itself... i mean, that's actually not as bad as it sounded when i first heard-read about it.  the thing with me is -- the addison's disease, and my weight, and fevers i been runnin lately.  if i go in and go under with my immune system already compromised?  it could be a problem.. on top of other problems- and risks.  but then again.. "i'm tougher than most".  right?

ok-- folks.  real quick- i'll change the subject - then i shall let ya go-- well, if ya didn't go already - :((

last night- we finally sold our damn couches!  yee haw.  damn bohemouth (s).  media seating we got a year or two ago.  we really thought that's what we wanted.  but for the last six months?  ok - year... it fills up our entire living room.. and i cannot get out of it!  weak and painful legs and back with no jump cord -- oh i mean side lever to help me get out of the recliner, having to use my legs???  just doesn't happen.  i get stuck. for real.  we live in different rooms, cuz my couch in my office has a lever- its a lazy boy.  it's comfy - cloth and comfy.. so i spend more time in here.  anyhow- they been advertised for a couple weeks, and of course folks call or email -- low ballin before they even SEE it... and that just pisses me right off.  finally someone showed up last night and bought it!!!  of course we took less-- cuz once hubby got it outside in the natural light -- all the little flaws were glaring right at him.  ugh.  we only knew of one.  and that was one ya just couldn't miss.. it happened on original delivery- and even we didn't know about that til we moved a year later!  can we say rip-off?  so of course we lost money-- but now we can get new furniture that i hope i can love and be comfy in! that is NOT leather - also something that won't swallow my house :))

next?  we also are finally selling our 'old' boat.  yup- paid that sucker off over a week ago.  one guy came lookin last night-- and hubby has over 50 emails on it.  he's sellin it seperate.. motor and hull/w trailer.  the bulk of the money is the motor- unfortunately most interest is in the hull. (boat)  he really low balled the price on that. i'm sure he coulda- and shoulda asked more- cuz y'all know-- everyone will try to knock a hundred or two off.  don't we all-- at least try?  anyhow-- looks like that will be gone and out of my way in a couple days at most!  that thrills me.  then we will be furniture and flooring shopping.

next?  my child?  doin well.  she'll be gettin her drivers license in a few days - if i am mobile enough by the end of the wek - there should be no problem.  in fact- tomorrow might be a good day -- if i can get around and drive ok enough.  she finally has all her ducks in a row for it.  i am thrilled.  y'all know i worry-- but my driving ability gets less and less... unLESS - surgery will change that too.  y'all pray it does please.  i have been in pain since before my girl was born.  what came first- the chicken or the egg.  i mean the depression or the pain?  my guess is the latter.  if i am released from this damn pain for any length of time-- do y'all realize how much my life could change?  i have a hint of it-- and it excites me.  when have you heard me say that?!  yeh, i bet never.

ok-- last thing i will bore ya with -- for today .  hey-- don't roll your eyes at me.  i'm just updatin y'all! i thought that's what ya wanted???

almost a month ago- i had a slight case of pnemonia.  nothin horrible - we caught it early.  good thing.  but - it was enough to remind me of the lung clot (pulmonery embolism) - and the evil pain that came with it-- not to mention the brush with death.  OR the following mental attack that came with my temporary use of chantix.  which nearly killed me in a few different ways.  again both- all - affecting my family in ways better - but never to be forgotten.  :((

SO. what did i do?  nah.  i would truly LOVE to tell y'all that i quit smokin.  i did not.  BUT-  i have gone from three packs of cigs a day -- which my history has been 1-3 packs a day for 35 years (prolly 3 for 3 years?)  this last three weeks?  10-15 cigs a day.  hold the applause.  i am in no way celebrating - anything.  i really hope , and pray to quit.  forever this time.  and i know every little bit (not smoked) is progress.  but i'm afraid to jynx it if i talk about it too much.  so this is the last i'll say til i'm all the way quit.  i'm hoping the recovery time after surgery - if or when i have it - will be the clincher - if i haven't quit by then.

ok my soul prisoners :)) you are free to leave now.  i hope you haven't fallen asleep or left before now.

tell me what's goinin on in your worlds people -- i miss ya !
thanks for comin around .. it's nice to not have been forgotten :))
if i missed anything- lemmee know-- you know i'll be glad to blab about it... i mean let ya know.

hope y'all have happy days in your worlds -- i'm gonna try --
oh guess what-- my sis is comin to town today -- her kitties are flyin to england.  passports and all!  it's true-- cats have to have passports!  i don't know if i should laugh, cry or pee my pants.  but it is the craziest thing i've heard in my life!  well, if ya don't count shit my mom used to say :))

here i am, where are you?

hiya peeps.  well, of course i speak to those who've decided to stick around. of course.  i am aware that my last few posts haven't really sounded the most stable.  if ya know what i mean.  but - that is why i am writing today.  i'm gonna keep it short - for now.  i just want to let ya know that i came across a post the other day that says , much more fluently, what i have attempted for over two years to say right here.  all i ever seemed to accomplish in my attempts?  sounding like a paranoid , impossible to understand , freak.   soul-speak.  i reckon that's what we could call my 'code language' i get into - when i try to tippy toe around things, and just never seem to get to the point.
well, this post -- from 'The Naked Soul' - Mark:  says it all.  i believe.  i hope that you will read what he says , and be able to understand that between what he says - and what i have tried to say here, so many times;  that what i write here - is my own 'original' thoughts, ideas, and words.  to me they are all that i own that means anything to me.  when i see them on other folks blogs an hour after i have written them here?  i cannot describe the helpless feeling that washes over me. nor the feeling of betrayal that i feel.  and to have this repeatedly happen - for so long?  and still trying to be original, and cordial, has rocked me to my core. 
anyhow-  go visit Mark, and please try to understand where i am comin from. 
i miss writing here.  many of you know that i have been robbed of many 'things' many times throughout my life.  if my own mind is to be robbed continuously of my own thoughts... i cannot allow it to go on.  someone just tell me you have seen it-- better yet WHERE you have seen it.
my words, used by others.. and i would love to 'come home, and be with y'all.  right here.

http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2010/09/30/original-thoughts/

so. here we stand. perhaps, here I stand.

sho is - i'm done.

that is prolly more likely.  that I stand here.  alone.  as usual.  rather than 'here we stand'. yeh, i know - some come by, though not as many as used to.  hey. no big deal. it happens to all of us now and then. right? .  but hey- don't get me wrong-- i played my part in this too. i know it sometimes sounds like i blame the world for my having 'lost' a few friends- readers- here.  nah.  i don't.  not in every case.  but yep.  there's a couple that are so so SO - in the forefront of my mind, that it just pains  me to not write the 'full story (S) of them right here.   i really sense that they know who they are and what they have done.  and even if it sounds mental to you -- i even think they -- know how i feel about the thing  they do that makes me feel like i do - and do it anyhow.  and still have the nerve to 'face me'. one of them, i have told - face to face- AND online, more than once.. how i feel about this... yet to this day she blatently continues to do it.  so- nope - that is a  conscious thought ... no paranoia there. perhaps, it's even a a dagger - for some unkown reason. so i do wonder-- if any of you are alert enough-- that you have even noticed it.  cuz most of you read the same pages i do.  anyhow-- all i will say about it -- is you saw it here first. word for word these folks have plagiarized me- be it one liners, simple words, or full ideas for an entire post for their blogs.  mainly two-- but i've seen it elsewhere as well.

do i want to give them credit for causing me to leave blogland?  oh hell no.  i won't give them credit for anything other than being brainless, unoriginal , thoughtless, scum.  who can't think for themselves.  the gall of one of them? this person has a copyright at the top of her page-- all original?  my ass.  she now has 'stolen a style' of another of my -- real' friends-- and boy she is lovin the attention that's gettin her.  it only makes me want to vomit.  i hope she is happy ridin the skirt tails of others' talent.  good luck to both of you-- and i do know you know who i'm talkin about. - at least the ones who do it should.

anyhow-- no.  no one takes any credit for the end of soul survivor -- aside from the fact that, i am tired. 
 i am in a battle with my world, my body and my mind.  seems i have gone full circle from when i began this blog almost 4 years ago. 
agoraphobic.  sick. alone. and not trusting anyone.
and ya know what?  y'all brought me here.    except a select few.  i hope to God you know who you are!  you should-- because we have had recent contact- and you KNOW i love and trust you.  other than that?
i am soooo done with this thing.  all of it.
my heart is back where it belongs.  my mind is back where it belongs.  and neither are here -- vulnerable-- laid out-- to be taken for your own selfish purposes.

oh and just so ya know-- the next time i see one of you using MY words.. you plagiaristic - unimaginative, so called friends - sigh-- of mine??  i promise to expose you and show folks that you have no creativity of your own.  that you not only steal from me-- but others as well.
i suggest you get to thinkin on your own.  if that's possible.
and .. mrs. copyright- originality? take that crap down.  lest it bite YOU in the ass.

i love you all.  yeh.  i do.  even the ones who wronged me. 
the ones who didn't - don't lose contact -- i know you know who ya are.

oh hell -- look- it's friggin 9-11.  what a day to blow up soulland.  or would that be 'implode "
everyone be safe -- today and always



--------------THE VIDEO WORKS NOW/ IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SEE IT ----------

if this log rolls over we'll drown

(my town)Texas - Students and faculty members were evacuated from a my kids - ISD intermediate school when a nearby creek began flooding out of its banks Wednesday morning.

yup it's true .  major flooding in and around where i live.  schools are and have been evacuated.  my kids school wasn't one of them, but soulman went and got her anyhow.  it aint easy to forget once you've been in a flash flood.  not to mention - in my case -- a few - in a vehicle - and my house - a couple as well.  so. when i saw the news, i told hubby - cancel her appointment, and go get her.  not that he hadn't had that plan on his mind already - but now that i was in agreement - without his suggesting it-- it was a sealed deal, and off he went. 
at this point , it isn't raining anymore... our house is fine, and the soul clan is fine.  in fact the two of them, and soulkid 2 , are at sonic, grabbin some lunch -- they slay me.  if it was me - i would have got my kid and come straight home-- them?  they went to home depot, and sonic.  don't ask.  i gave up tryin to figure out their thought process... which is obviously much the same.  and totally not the same as mine. 

oh well.  they survived their journey.  and even brought me lunch :))  gotta give em credit for livin life right?  livin on the safe side doesn't always pay off.  they came in , all smiles. 

and what i am i doin?  sittin here pissed off cuz my phone won't work, and i can't talk to my dr. to get the results of my chest x-ray.  that's what i'm doin.  she called this mornin - i missed the call.  now my phone won't work to call back.  aint life grand? 

catch you folks latah.

happy days peeps-

two - fer twos-day kinda

my new theme song???
:))

well hell. if it aint one thing it's another.

such as lately-

this is not where i want this pic-

but this is where blogger wants it :((

mornin peoples-
how goes it on this fine fine day? hope all is good in your worlds.
things aint too awful bad here. well aside from a few things. i wouldn't say they were bad things. just sort of irritating things. kinda like a fly in your face that won't go away. ya know? for instance. i couldn't find my buddy online this mornin who i been havin coffee with lately. the smoke n choke is much more fun with someone to chat with with, than just sittin alone doin my banking or payin bills ya know. specially this one - she's a crack-head -- just like me. findin a person that thinks the way i do - just isn't as easy as one would think. and trust me, get two of us on a roll? hilarity, at it's finest. always makes for a nice mornin.
and, seein as i could be facin some shaky news from the doc in a couple hours? well-- let's just say - after i post this - i'll be textin her to get her ass on chat! hear that? thanks buddy - where the hell are you? you better be 'fallen and can't get UP', ... not really - but close .

so. anyhow- the 'another'? i just blocked my other blog- made it private. so don't bother goin there -- just in case you have been. or do-- for any reason. cept you MB -- cuz i know what you're up to :)) . we can fix it for ya. other than that ? i just have been thinkin a lot about how much of myself is 'out there', and how much of me really should be. i don't think it's necessary for all that is there -- especially as much of what is there about soulkid, -- it's just too much information.

or  perhaps i should say 'amunition.' more than once the words i have written here have been used against me. when i put them here to explain my ramblings- or perhaps to be understood better. well, yeh- bad idea. for way too long. i'm not sayin it won't happen again, but if you haven't noticed- i have become more guarded over time. especially with soulkids business, and issues. she is getting to an age where her info on my blog could be problematic for her - in more ways that one. in the way of her local peers or friends seeing it here. which has happened - due to facebook being linked. and also- she is lookin at soon getting a drivers license, and a job etc. her life is hers now, and i have no right to expose it here. she isn't a child anymore. so. there's some reasons that 'Soul Survivor' had to have the doors closed.

i reckon like 'sophie' said when i opened this new blog [ -- some of y'all know that she was my original soul sistah.. one of my first blog buds turned close friends, and confidant. -- ]

" A new blog... what a fun idea! It's like a fresh start, the first page of a new chapter. Hope that the pages of your life open with some new happy things to share as well, keep bloggin' Soul Sis".

that seems to be stuck in my head ever since she wrote it here.  "a new chapter-- a fresh start."
   that's what i need.  those of you who have been around from the beginning- or close to it, you've seen it - read it- know it.  the good, the bad, the ugly.  y'all know what i have been through in life , and in the past 3 years or so.  you know the storms and battles this family has fought.  what we have beat , and what has beaten us.  you know what we have survived.  you know what I have beaten , and you know what has beaten me.   i don't think anyone needs or wants to be reminded of any of it.  i know i don't. 

so yep-- this blog here - is the only accessible (to the public)  blog i have .  the rest?  i am keeping simply because i will use to refer to -- as notes - for my book.  i really am workin on it.  maybe someday i'll finish it.  if not?  a ghost writer -- or someone who knows me -- can write it for me.  God knows the info is laid out enough - between my blogs, notes, and footlockers of poetry and crap.  it's all there.  just needs someone to love it into book format.

have i mentioned that i want a service dog?  well i do.  sushi is too stupid, and eevee is too old, and too much of a liability.  i want a black lab.  for protection and companionship.  i know.  i need another dog like a hole in the fuckin head.  but part of why i don't go out - is cuz most of the time i'm alone -- and to be honest?  i have zero strength left to defend myself.  a 5 year old could kick my ass.  so- how do i get a service dog?

welp- guess that's all for today -

happy tuesday

guess what? it aint 3:33 - but it's close

seems like i woulda made it in here right on time -- if i was tryin. and to be honest , i kinda was.  but y'all know how my luck goes.  here it is - 3:38 A.M. , and i'm already havin a rough time of things. you wouldn't think a person would have much to do at 320 in the damn mornin would ya?  me neither, but remember.. this is ME we're talkin about.  well, me, five animals, havin to make coffee, of course havin to go pee-- in an ill equipped bathroom -- if ya know what i mean-- so then havin to retreat to the other bathroom, for mother natures supplies - ehem... then havin to let a barkin sushi outside - but first un-alarming the house-- then while making coffee -- lettin her 330 a.m yappin ass back inside - then finishin the coffee -- eevee came and went too-- but she doesn't do the damn barkin crap like sushi.  unless there's somethin significant to bark at.  bleh.  all this - and like three inhalers, antibiotics and a slew of other daily meds for my many ailments-- that now include 'possible' pneumonia.   yeh.  that's what i said.  the P word. nope.  don't wanna try to spell that again.  but i went to the doc on friday -- i think.  the doc is no expert on readin x-rays- so could only suspect- and treat me for ugh- pneumonia.  i admit- i have all the symptoms - so i don't think she's too far off - if not right on.  but she wanted to send the x-ray out to radiology to make sure - if it was that- and nothing worse- or less.  i'll get official results tuesday sometime.

all i know is i feel very run down, and sickly.  haven't gone anywhere since the dr on friday.. and aside from a burst of energy and goin though my closet and dresser clothes yesterday - i have done little to nothing else - cept online bills, etc.. and movies online, etc.  just tryin to slow my roll, and not keel over.  been doin pretty good cuttin down on smokin.  i bet i cut out a pack a day-- which, when ya smoke three packs a day -- prolly doesn't matter much one way or another.  but i feel a lil better there.  i do hope to quit someday .  but by now- y'all know i don't have much faith in that happening anytime soon.  i have tried so many times- and so many methods.. nothin ever seems to work out.  only thing that worked was when i was preggo with soulkid.  and y'all KNOW - my preggo days are OVAH!
oh yeh - back to my clothes. wonderin why i did that out of the blue?  well.  i think it was saturday.even tho i felt bad, and wasn't goin anywhere, i just thought i might feel better if i 'got dressed'. besides soulkid had friends comin over.  so- i went and got cleaned up, and went to get clothes on.  so, i was lookin for a pair of pants, that i know fit good-- couldn't find em.  the other pair that fit good-- were right there in my closet - but had already been worn a couple times- so i kept lookin- for clean pants.  i've had the chills with this - whatever - pneumonia, if that's what it is.  so i didn't wanna wear shorts -- i checked my dresser.  i found a pair of jeans -- they used to fit- and they used to fit pretty good too -- about 2 months ago.  i knew i had lost 'some' weight since i wore em last, but didn't think it's be a problem.  i toss em on, zip em, button em, turn around to grab a shirt, and guess what!?  they fell right off and down to the floor!  this would make some folks- especially women happy.  in almost every scenario.  how did I feel?  i got pissed .  worried. concerned.  in fact -- now that i think of it-- this pants issue may have happened before i went to the dr. i think it did.  but it was yesterday that i decided to get rid of all the clothes that don't friggin fit anymore.  even if i do ever get to that size again- i don't think it's gonna be any time soon.so yeh- it was then that i knew somethin was goin on with me.  not that i didn't know already.  it's just that it was to a point i couldn't ignore it anymore. i don't look in the mirror and see a skinny me. i see me at 150 + no matter what i weigh.  thanks mom. i know it's a mental problem, but i also know it is something i can not change.  the only way i ever know how big or small i am, is when i notice if my clothes are gettin too big or small.  and right now- the smallest of small clothes i have?  fall off.  i have to wear a belt! lest i lose my britches.
stress?  perhaps.  but of course-- i just know i am dying -- i just don't know what it is that's 'killing ' me.  lung cancer? adrenal tumor?  some unseen heart issue?  never know.  may never know.  like i've said before-- 'they'll find it on autopsy someday'.   but hey -- whoever's readin this?  i do not want an autopsy!  i don't want my family - any one of em, to see me after that.  no one can ever be prepared to see someone they love after they've been through an autopsy.  and those bastards never prepare a person to see what they're about to see. (*SIGH).

(insert coffee re-fill here )

so.  i haven't written here for quite some time, as you can see.  some days - i just don't bother tryin.  other days i do try- and get the dreaded white screen... and end up angry, frustrated , pissed off - and just want to delete the entire soul world off the internet.  just wipe my existence off the blog map.  then i realize... i had a place here once.  50-60 hits a day at one time.  i felt almost like a real live journalist then.  like dear abby or somethin.  that was great fun.   i really don't know what happened with that.  not sure if it was one of my bi-polar moments-- or if it was when soulkid had her troubles (both a couple years ago).  i do know that when soul land fell onto some seriously hard times and the laughs got silenced for a while.  some folks found better things to do- better places to go.  and that's fine. i know what it's like when folks don't know what to say.  and boy do i now that i leave a lot of folks speechless at times. i did the best i could do under the circumstances - and i still do.  i know i am not the same person y'all knew two or three years ago.  but hey.  my world was a puzzle torn apart- and later, put back together with a few pieces missing.  and in that case- i think i do pretty well with what i have left.  maybe y'all don't agree- and that's fine.  maybe the missing pieces are one or two of you. or parts of.  what do you think?  admit it - there's a distance between a few of us that at least i thought would never ever be less than friends for life.  today?  well, it's just not that way.  aside from a hand-full?  we're blog buddies- at best.  and i don't think you're surprised. i do think you know who you are.  and i actually think you are the only one of the two of us that know WHY that happened. AND, i'm blessed to finally be passed that. for the most part.
if you're wonderin WTH i'm talkin about?  you obviously haven't been comin around here long enough.  my brain works faster than my fingers.  sometimes vice versa.  i can't even keep up with myself.  i'm a lot to handle- and i know that.  and just in case you may have forgotten?  cold weather is comin in a few months.  those are the worst months of the year for me. they have been for years .  every year of my life.  and every year they seem to get worse.  winters i mean.  both physically, and mentally.  i hope you can prepare yourself.  or maybe i need to prepare myself.  i spose i am already trying. to prepare i mean.  i have a lot of under armour clothes.  you know what i'm talkin about right? the fishin/huntin clothes ya wear under your clothes? they're skin tight, so quite comfy as they aren't bulky-- i hate bulky!  remember the oompa loompa suit?  i still have that -- i look like a skeleton in it now.  but it's frickin warm.  i also now have some ski pants-- skin tight-- warm as hell.  and a long sleeved shirt just like it.  i have a full face mask - plastic wind guard thing- with also a ski cap rest of it type thing- yeh i know- that requires a pic.  but i'm armed and ready for a day on the boat in freezin weather -- if i can don my courage .  but yeh, that my friends will take much mustering of courage. and an 80.00 pair of carharrts! i lost my carhartts   in our last move. sexiest damn thing you'll ever see me wear. :))  yep-- i shall don the entire set of gear - and show you how hot i am.  i'll gain thirty pounds in it-- but i'll be warm as toast.  i also plan to buy a sun lamp-- made for folks with SAD= seasonal affective disorder.  can you believe it? on top of everything else -- i have THAT too.  and what a friggin acronym. SAD. in the winter.  just for me? (i know , it's not just me.)

so anyhow.  happy to be postin.  too bad it's not an upbeat post. just not feelin it lately. been bizzy. sickly. stressed out.  you know the drill.

hope you're all havin happy weekends in your worlds peeps!!!

MORE testing

and it looks GOOOOD !
check z last comment box - i said howdy there :))

me thinks i overdid it on the steroids !  does that look like moon head to you?  or just dorky me?

gotta go -- i'm a busy soul lately.  someday i'll get a break :)) ya think?

could it be? am i posting? test - test ?

short test post.  been messin with this for hours .  once again.  this cut-off from my peeps, and lack of blabbin my head off in here is literally drivin me crazy.  mental-crazy-depressed.   c-r-a-z-y!!!
bleh.  maybe i'm finally gettin somewhere?  never can tell tho.  spose i'll try again tomorrow.
speak to me-- at least let me know if anyone reads or checks in anymore eh?

miss every one of ya!

g'nite!

have no idea what to do

i am postin on my desktop/ on explorer right now. ugh. usin an on screen keyboard/with my MOUSE.  very difficult for me in every physical way that you could imagine.
that, my friends, is devotion!

i miss y'all  i miss postin and visiting = it sure aint for lack of  tryin!

happy almost friday y'all

dirty pictures / photo challenge

late again but finally up

feelin dirty?

i am runnin way later than planned on everything so i am outta heah

byyyyyyyyyyyye folks!


NOTE -- we made it !  ugh.  half hour of recovery time - now it's off to shop. oh and you know - shoppin and drivin are surely my most favorite things in life.

anyhow--  i tried my hardest to post this before we left home this mornin, but as per usual, i was not able to.  so -- here ya go.  extremely late -- don't hate :))

once again - i talk too much - comment to post :))

hi y'all -- i just popped in to say howdy -- saw y'all (thanks for the sympathy's - they are so needed!)  you can see that i am post-poning this journey as long as possible.  ;))

still havin coffee, and chillin.  next i have to get my laundry ready that that has been in the dryer all night long-- i just re-ran it to get the wrinkles out.  i hate doin laundry. :((  if i don't finish it tho- i will have NUTHIN to wear.

also - i remembered - when comin in here that i NEED to find dirt photos for the photo challenge .  as usual-- it slipped my mind.  i planned to take - or find some pix last night.  did i?  hell no.  i will tho.  i gotta get my clothes finished - then i'll toss a few pix up.  then i MUST get my self ready to get on the road.

y'all be safe and have great weekends in your worlds !

and just in case i don't have to tell ya -- this has obviously become my post for today ;))

latah -

Happy Friday the 13TH Y'all

i hope y'all have better plans for the night than we do here.  do ya?  tell me about em k?
all that's happenin around the soul crib tonight is watchin the boob-tube , and scarfin down some of soulmans sushi - to go that he's bringin home.  i had a late lunch/early dinner' with soulkid earlier .
no. it was no good.  fish from a burger joint is only not natural.  it shouldn't be trusted.  it was awful.  no alternative tho.  i ate it, and questioned it later.  huge mistake.

anyhow.  soulkid has a friend here for the night - they are out , then tomorrow we are gonna go bum around in austin and school shop.  they will make sure that i am dead before we make it home on sunday.  so my plan is, that if i am able i will use facebook on my phone to keep in touch with y'all, but if for some reason that fails to work out - or if i die prematurely; i will contact the authorities -- or someone here when i return.  :))

love you guys -
hugs and kisses
souliolio

Don't fear - I'm still here. (sorta )

hello peoples, and peoplettes :))  i'm finally able to post here - but it seems a little late for that.  it was a huge surprise when i just realized i was actually posting, when i didn't think i'd be able to.  just figured i'd give it a shot.  i wondered if anyone was lookin for me?  i contacted as many folks (readers and blog friends - (or real friends who read here :))   but that still left several of y'all who i don't know how to get a hold of  me out there - who just may wonder if i kicked the bucket or somethin.

nope.  just decided to make a move.  hoping for less computer and blog issues.  i'm still havin some issues, but it seems i can find my way thru the rough spots and manage alright at the new place.


if anyone wants to swing by and see me -- or anyone you may follow from here that ya just want to keep up with-- swing on by and have a look at the place.  obviously, i'm still workin on it.  it's just a baby at this point.  someday it'll take on the old comfy dive coffee shop feel again.

anyhow -- hope to see y'all over there.  while you're here could ya clean up a little?  i'd hate to see the place get too run down.  :))

see y'all soon.

http://soulissurvivin.blogspot.com/

until then,  ore vois - happy trails --  and be happy in your worlds -- today and every day !

my new first post ! welcome folks !

ola y'all! have ya missed me? i been goin insane not bein able to blog for so long. (shaddup- i hear you already - no it wasn't a long trip) :))
and you know my memory... every day i have had tons to blab about -- and no where to put it all. finally after what has to be at least a couple, maybe a few weeks, my sis tells me on the phone - why fight all these problems? just see if you can open a NEW blog. it was like the angels sang ! it also made me feel very very stupid. just in case i had to inform you. it did. i have spent the last two hours trying to figure out how to move my other blog to this one -- obviously, i have failed at that mission. sad to say. if anyone can help me in that area , please do. my daily , if not hourly fear, is losing the contents of "soul survivor". -- if you don't already have it linked - i'll get that on here soon as i can, cuz today -- have you guessed? my computer is on hallucinogenics !!!!!!! making me wish that i could be too. hey. just for a minute. i don't do that kinda thing. and y'all know- even if i did, it would be a total waste of time and money - cuz well aside from that - cuz i never tried it -- but drugs do nothing for me. bummer huh?

anyhow-- i better go for now-- just wanted to try this out - and let y'all know i'm still breathin. and also that i feel horrible for those of you that i have neglected or lost contact with. i have done the best i could with what i got-- which is my iphone. and ya know i'm blind. so it aint much.
just know i miss you all like crazy -- and i really hope i can get my blog back in one piece . i feel soooo alone.

talk to me peeps ! even if you think i can't - i CAN see you - sometimes i just can't talk back to ya <3 X0

I'M IN !

i'm on my laptop ! i'm on friggin explorer :(( but i'm in !

hello ! at this point this is just a test. i have no idea if it's gonna post - or even work at all. mozilla still won't work. i have no idea as to why it's doin me that way . it is like that on every computer in the house. (three). ugh. it's killin me. i've all but given up. it's kind of a nice break actually. or it would be - if it wasn't so damn frustrating. no thinkin - no pressure - no checkin for posts, messeges etc. but the fact that i can't do ANY type of editing on this thing -- not even to cut and paste when i screw up words - or if my cursor moves to the wrong place and i find i've written half a paragraph where it doesn't belong -- or my photos won't go where i want them to. ugh -- not to mention the fact that i have LOST everything. EVERYTHING - aside from photos - from my laptop this passed several days - in my million and twenty five attempts to fix the damn thing. that's the worst of this entire mess. all the stuff i lost. almost three years of medical research. videos. poems.. once again- bits and pieces of my DAMN book. it's crap. three years of my thoughts, research, memories- that y'all know i can't ever get back -- are GONE! it's just sad-- for me -- and through it all... the frickin laptop still isn't workin .

good part? i found out i do still have a short time -- like less than 60 days left on my warranty !

apparantly i can still get it fixed (maybe) by dell. just a matter of sittin on hold with them for 2 hours. i spose i shall be doin that sometime today. now that is some fun shit.

ok. i spose i'm more upset about this whole thing than i realized. maybe i should just go before i end up just bitch-festing again. i really don't mean to be a crybaby so much. bleh.

i do miss y'all. and once i get things settled around here-- computer probs, kid in school, trips all finalized, soulkids car bought - and drivers license fixed and gotten. (is that a word?) - ugh -- this isn't even to mention my body paralyzing - immobilizing to even think about - disaster of house to clean... omg- i have so much to do i can't stand it. but when i get back on track in life-- i'll be back to my old self - and boy do i have some stories to tell- pictures to show- videos to share (if i ever make em :)) -- this has been the busiest summer we've had in years -- that wasn't full of tragedy - or illness, police and hospitals. we have had a blast !!! i am sure ready for it to be over tho-- cool off, settle down, and get back to my slow, sloth, quiet, clean house havin, life :))

i'll catch yall latah -- hope you all are doin well -- have happy days in your worlds -- looks like i need a day off in mine-- but i have lots to do :))

HELL-OH again :))

howdy folks !

how's things? hopefully good, in y'alls worlds.
and, unless you use face-book, you wouldn't have a clue as to what's happenin here . that's why i'm risking life and limb to 'attempt' an update here.

ok, life and limb is a bit drastic, but not far off. i'm forced to use my desktop computer this passed several days- for any and all things computer related. well cept the few things i do on my phone - but i can't hardly see a thing on there so even that's limited. and here at the desk -- OMG - after the first 15 minutes , my back is on fire with awful burning pain, in my neck and back. it drains me, hurts me, makes me tired -- add meds -- what's that give me? a ruined entire day. for what? a couple hours of 'mainly work stuff' on the computer. cuz blogger has been doin me wrong on every computer in the house, (including a IMAC- i thought they didn't GET viruses? ) - and my laptop is flat lined! even after buyin Mcafee. - and supposedly killing 111 viruses. now it won't even connect to the Internet much less anything else. this mornin i was tryin to move all important pix and files to the desktop - so soulman could remove and replace ALL programs on there - in hopes of fixing whatever the hell is wrong with it. for some reason, all that will "move" is photos', why? how do i move my files , music, and movies? anyone know? i'm usin a chip thing -- whatever it's called. (it goes in your USB port - copies from one cpu to another -- course- not in MY case. :((

so anyhow-- surely you didn't come here to listen to all that junk? what else can i bore you with?

oh -- how 'bout THIS? i didn't make this one.. i hijacked it from my sises blog (yes, another one) i haven't had the means or the time to do anything with my pix - i didn't even take very many while i was out there this trip (arkansas) last weekend. so yeh enjoy her video - as my cpu troubles have disrupted my life all week. not to mention other time consuming 'activities' -- no, sadly, no fishin. all business, no pleasure. oh-- cept for lunch with a friend of mine yesterday -- this is so cool; a story all its own. i'll tell y'all about her when my laptop is fixed. which i hope to be very soon.





(click twice/then watch it big )

ok well, that's entertainment, eh?

i had more to say - but soulman is on his way home, and it looks like we're actually gonna go out for family night-- once again with boyfriend in tow. NO not mine :)) soulkids. dinner. anyone know what's at the movies?

OH CRAP! i just remembered somethin ! guess what y'all? i checked my bank yesterday -- no not that part - that's no surprise i know.. but get THIS --- know what was there? my refund from the massage place!!! every nickel i expected ! 199.95 !!! phew. over and done.

anyways -- i'm outta heah for tonight -- i'll be back when i can be.

happy weekends out there -
hugs all around!
byeeeeeeee

Posting for Soul from Mozilla

Soulman here trying to post under Mozilla for Soul.

Ran some scan and hop to have gotten rid of her virus.

Regards all

OMG ! I'm posting on my laptop !

i don't know how- or why, but it's working!! i'm on explorer - but it's working !
i have been sitiin at my damn desktop for two or three hours - and the nerve pain in my back and neck is fixin ta make me suicidal ! just for shits and grins - i did a 'test ' on my laptop -- and voi- frickin- la -- here i am.

i am also rendered speechless ! believe it - or not. really. i just don't know what to say. aside from that? i need to get ready to go run errands and such... but i shall return. no idea what i'll say -- but i'm sure i'll think of somethin :))

i hope all of y'all are havin happy days in your worlds ! mine just got a hjelluvalot better -- oh man. just the releif of knowing that i don't have to sit at this desk and be tortured any longer makes me happy :))

i shall talk to y'all this evening... and cruise blogland as well... from the comfort of my soul-chair, on my soulass :))

ahhh... the simple pleasures in my little life.

talk to me.. update me... what's goinin folks?

see ya later

PEEK A BOO

Just jumpin in to say howdy !!! we're home from my sises place in Arkansas for this past weekend.

no time for deets right now . i am so screwed in computer land. my laptop AND my desktop have a crippling virus ! the DT may be saved.. the laptop -- well? it's F*^$#D.

oh and by the way -- as you can see , by the lovely arrangement and order of the photos above - i just did this post -- on the desktop -- on explorer.... and guess what?

EPIC FAIL !!

well, folks better jump back outta here before i blow up or my desk-top melts. eegads! whaddabunchacrap!!!

well peeps -- next weekend will be the LAST of the soul- trippins' of summer 2010 . oh man. i am so done traveling. the drive across town and back today damn near killed me. i never wanna drive again...

oh wait.. what? oh yeh. :)) where to? Lubbock Texas. long weekend at aunt wandys place - gramma j - will meet us there for a visit with her soul-grand-daughter . so yeh - a family thang.

other than that? not a lot. recovering from the trip, and goin blind at the same time.

for now? grown ups have the house to themselves for the night. this like never ever neverever happens. soulman brought SUSHI home for dinner :))

see you folks again -- when i see you again :))

talk to me ! what's goinm on in your lives people?