i'm too tired to "speak'

but here is the first haul
of 2009

soulmans' #2

and my only #1

the next right thing

IT'S THE UGLY SOUL SHIRT !

bought on a whim... in october. which when i came to my senses a couple days later, i was gonna take back and exchange.. remember it? well guess what? i failed to mention, that while trying to find something to wear one day near christmas-- i saw it.. staring at me, unworn, still hanging in my closet. alone and forgotten.
is it really as ugly as i think it is? cuz it's too late to take it back now. i still find it hideous. who taught me how to shop, i wonder.







so anyhow-- i know i said i wasn't gonna post- i think i'll just-- take the pressure off and post if i feel like it. or if i have time. i really accomplished a lot of stuff that i just could not motivate to do, yesterday. i even fished - for a short while. didn't catch anything, but being outside was real nice. but lately-- like the last couple weeks, i waste litterally hours, sittin here trying to write. and that's not how i like to do things. if it comes it comes.. if not-- i aint gonna force it.
i really do need a break, but i need y'all too. so i'm in the middle somewhere. i reckon i'll just be around here and there... eventually i'll be caught up on my life, and my family, and maybe if i'm really lucky, i just might get interesting to read again .

this is our year y'all. so many of us struggled this passed year. really, most of us did. this is our year to regain control, and take our lives back. circumstances are hard to change, and lessons are hard to learn... but the outcome is ultimately up to us. we can't save anyone, we can't change anyone. we can only do the next right thing.
this year, in 2009-- i'm giving up the guilt. i'm giving up the responsibility of others feelings and actions. and i'm gonna stand at the helm again. i have been beat like a mule this passed several months, and nearly gave up. i did give up. but i won't stay in this pit forever. i'm stronger than this. i'm stronger than "circumstances". i'm stronger than woh i've become; letting people bully me. letting sadness take over my spirit. that shit's over...

i won't surrender to this. i can't let it destroy me...or my family any more.

today, i'm gettin of my ass and puttin christmas in a box-- again. and if christmas never comes again, it will be too soon. but lookin at it all just stare at me, makes it worse, and harder to motivate to get it outta here.

things that have happened to and with my family this past while have crippled me in many ways. but i will rise and walk again. i lost many battles this passed year-- but the war is not over yet... so i still have a chance. i also have a lot to stay in the fight for.

ya know what i want to do ? aside from the obvious that is.
some days i honestly think that i just want to sleep-- until i die. just xanax it up ya know. sleep-- wake up-- take pills -- sleep-- and let the cycle continue-- until whatever happens happen.
i know that living with people-- sleeping around the clock will eventually land ya in a hospital-- unless thay are totally neglectful-- and mine is not. but that thought does cross my mind. nice escape tactic eh? well... not really.

alcoholics anonymous says--
"we will not regret the past , nor wish to shut the door on it."

meaning we learn from our mistakes, then we move the hell on, and --do the next right thing.

i have felt that way before. i did accept my past, my now, and whatever came my way. just not this time. not for a long time. but if i had it before-- it has to still be there somewhere, right?
somewhere beneath or behind all the anger, and rage, and self pity . not to mention the guilt and self blame. i let some vortex of negativity eat me alive this past year. then my family for desert.

well, i've had enough. today, i am reclaiming my life. one priority at a time.

i need to wake each day and be glad that i woke up. one day, i won't.
i need to just do what i'm supposed to do, and the rest will fall into place. at least that's what i've heard.

so ayhow-- we get to see soulkid today-- for three whole hours, on a pass. i hope it will be good. we miss her. but we can't beat sobriety into her. she has to want it..she has to live it.. she has to grab on with both hands and learn everything all over again. we can support her, and love her, and be here for her. but her sobriety is her deal. i cannot be responsible for her using-- or staying clean. not anymore than anyone else is responsible for my sobriety.
i can drink anytime i want to-- i just don't want to. well-- i do. but i can't. not if i want a normal life, and a healthy daughter. so-- that's where i'm at today.

just doing the next right thing. whatever it is in front of me. whether it be dishes, takin the christmas shit down. visiting my daughter. staying sober -- one more day. or digging myself out
of these pits i find myself in. i can only do what i can do for me. anybody else-- they can do what they can do for them. but me playing God, well, it's just too much. and he doesn't need a wife-- so, my place is here. not in my head.. not in some far away "happy place", not curled up alone and hiding in bed. not drugging myself to sleep 18 hours a day.

so. i'm gonna get UP and pretend to be alive again. i'm gonna clean house, get some groceries, see my child, tell her i love her, and i'll just go from there.

i think it's time for me to take a break from here

actually, i've thought that for a couple months, but today - i'm sure of it. i just can't keep trying to pretend that things are ok. nor can i keep whining that they are not.

i didn't start, or continue this blog to get sympathy or pity from anybody. seems these days -- that's all i get-- or people don't come or if they do they decide they just can't respond to such crap that i spew.

i can't write a decent post anymore. i can't leave a decent comment anywhere anymore either.

so.

this blog-
until further notice.

i love you guys and all that mushy stuff.
but i have way too much happening here
to have my focus lie in a world
that distracts me from what's most important.

i'm afraid if i don't get back to reality,
and face what's goin on here,
i will continue to fade away.
until my whole world is gone completely.

and that is not how i want to be.

i really do hope every one of you has better luck, better health, and very much happiness coming your way.

i do expect to come back when life levels out here-- but , i can't be certain that will happen. the leveling, or the coming back. i spose time will tell.

hugs to you all

SOUL.

it's finally over--finito-- behind us -- good riddance and fuck you 2008 !!

welcome 2009

at least i hope so. it can't be a much worse year. it could be. i just will keep thinkin positive and believe that better things are coming for all of us.

sooo anyhow--

HAPPY NEW YEAR Y'ALL !!

who actually went out and did anything? believe it or not, we did. not anything big; we went to the movies, and saw

this-

it was a very good movie. sad at times. but good.

we got home just in time for the last five minutes of the new york - new years show, and watched the ball drop, and had our traditional toast. first time it ever included the words fuck you to the previous year. hopefully the last.

and i reckon that's about it.

i've attempted a couple of posts , that now sit in my draft file. unfinished. my brain is just fried i think. too much goin on lately i guess.

i just wanted to wish everyone a happy new year--- i planned on emails or texts-- but i'm a old haggard woman and i must sleep now.

catch y'all later.

mughnday madness reigns in soulland

GOODBYE OLE
CHRISTMAS
2008
YA BEATCH !

ANGEL-TIME
SOULMAN - W- SOULKID

1. 

2. WHAT WOULD YOU DO

FOR KICK ASS SHOES

LIKE THESE? SKULLS
DUDE !

3. OH? YOU'D TRY YOUR HARDEST
NOT TO LAUGH AT THE GIVER?
HOPING HE DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO WEAR THEM?
YEP THAT'S WHAT I DID!

(YES , IT WAS A JOKE - PHEW!)

4. HERE WE HAVE THE

"WORLD WIDE SPORTSMAN"
<----------- I THINK--

THAT'S WHAT IT SAYS. :))

5. UNFORTUNATELY, SOULKIDS
PIX DIDN'T COME OUT TOO WELL.

(SOULKIDS SIGN SAYS "WE DON'T REMEMBER
THE DAYS, WE REMEMBER THE MOMENTS")

6. YO DAWG,
I'M JUS - CHILLIN

7. JUST TIL THEY
HAND OVER THE CHECK
FOR MY COMMERCIALS TO
SELL COLOGNE --
THAT'S RIGHT,
I'M GOIN INTO
ADVERTISING.




8. THEY SAID I AM SO HOT THAT I COULD SELL SOUL!!

RETAIL IS NOW: $55.00 (ONLINE) -- DON'T TELL
ANYONE , BUT- "ROSS" HAS IT FOR $9.99!!!
SO, SEEIN HOW HER MAMMA DIDN'T
RAISE NO FOOL ; THAT'S RIGHT WHERE

SOUL WENT TO GET SOME FOR SOULMAN!

9. FAT CAT JITTERBUG JUST HAVIN TO GET
IN ON THE ACTION - LOVIN THE WARM
NON-DECEMBER TEXAS WEATHER ON
CHRISTMAS DAY!

THIS WAS FROM MY PAL ;
JAMIE -
:))

soul angels o6 - 08
Ya oughtta see the other ones
:))

OH HELL - HOW'D I GET

IN HERE? ANGIE SENT HIM

WHEN I WAS SICK. :))

(HIJACKED SIGNAGE)

/

HERE
COMES

A
HUGE
BIG
GIANT
WHITE
BLANK
SPACE
JUST
SCROLL
PASSED
IT
K
-------
:))
BYE
OH
KEEP
ON
GOIN
THERE'S
MORE
---
BUT
I'M
GOIN
TO
BED.

just lock me up somewhere would ya

does anyone want to tell me what the hell is wrong with me?? nevermind. i think i already asked.. and declined a response that time too. i already know what's wrong .. i just wish i knew wth to do about it.

anyhow--- apparently i did write a post on christmas day-- kinda sorta. it ended up in drafts. and apparently it laid there til just now. in the meantime , i began thinking that i wrote it yesterday. even told y'all i did. perhaps i may need a lobotomy? something. my mind is fried. i'm not likin it much either.
so-- if you wanna see it-- scroll on down below the last post, and you will see the christmas day post-- that really isn't very christmasee. but it's there. at least i wrote-- which means i thought about ya.

ok-- now i'm off, and back to the other post i been tryin to finish, but keep havin to go away from.
now i'm tired and ready for a nap-- i wonder if that will stop me again, cuz as we know--- it's always somethin.
i shall forge on tho -- for you. through tired eyes, and a grumpy soul, i will continue to write a very boring boring post-- just for YOU.
cuz i just am that way. don't fret-- it's a good thing.

OK FOLKS, SO I'M BACK. AGAIN. FOR THE THIRD TIME.

well hell. i thought i posted this last night... apparently, i did not. it was saved to drafts. i was sleep posting when soulman came to bed and nagged me til i turned it off. i wasn't even smokin. but, my neck was twisted in a most painful position, and he knew it hurt me just by lookin at it. no tellin how long i sat there with my head laid over sideways like a rag-doll. owwwww.
so anyhow. i kept tryin to finish the post, but i kept fallin asleep, kept gettin nagged at...and finally shut down and went to sleep. which i'm sure was the best thing i coulda done. i'm sure i woulda got assy very soon if i didn't shut up when i did.


(anyways-- there's a little blabbering in the comments below.. other than that-- i reckon i will toss this up--and either work on another-- or go say hi to you folks. not sure which.. cuz as usual for lately-- i'm just tired.



in fact-- when i saw soulkid yesterday, she asked if i had a black eye! i said no, i'm just sportin the old lady bags.. you like? she didn't. poor kid carries too much. we'll get back there later.-- )

--- return to last nights babble---on----

SPOT SAYS
HAPPY NOT CHRISTMAS ANYMORE !!!

let's see if we can get a productive post out of me this time , shall we? yes, let's. no. i am not talkin to myself -- i'm talkin to you. whoever you are. wherever you are.

so, first, i'll tell ya, i'm a little distracted at the moment..no, not by the hot christmas fairy-- but doesn't he look like somethin you'd love to find under your tree on christmas morning?? or perhaps christmas eve.. for those non morning people?? :)) i do believe he could cure anybodys grinchness. i wonder if he does dishes.

i'm actually distracted cuz i'm eatin some leftover turkey; smoked perfectly on the big green egg -- ohhh yum! it soo beats the hell out of government cheese and peanut butter. have you ever had the pleasure of government commodities? hmmmm. well, the cheese isn't bad really. get into the "meat", and ya just gotta wonder.... wth it truly is. ya know? alien liver? sheep clone brain loaf? only God knows.. but it can't possibly be legit meat. that mooed, or clucked, or any of those farm song sounds. nope it's obviously some man made goop. or maybe even man. but it aint no animal. or meat. ugh.
ok let's get movin on.

Another distraction? some sirens just stopped blaring like right outside my back yard. which, over the fence is a junior high school, and a two lane/two direction street, and a four way stop intersection. somethin is always goin on out there. the other day i was sittin here-- at my desk in my office, and heard a car wreck. first, the skidding rubber locked and burning on the road; then came the anticipatory wait... and there it was... the crunch of metal to metal when the two vehicles collided. ugh. always better than a THUD. always. especially due to where i live. one block down, about six months ago, a kid was hit and killed by a car there. the driver was only nineteen years old. the kid was stoned, the driver was not. his life will never be the same.

(speakin of cars---- note the new "2009 KIA SOUL"" -- if i could ever get out from under this car of mine i would get the soul. ugh. i think i failed to mention in my car bitch post-- i am like 7 grand upside down in my car i have now. it's sickening. i like that "soul" car -- how cool would that be?? if any one of you gets it - you have to tell me FIRST! ok?)

hmmm. that came from no where. sort of. but not really. i tend to think about that sort of stuff a lot these days. how how cheerful and holiday - ish. right? well. i'm sorry. that's just the way it is. and that's why i'm so glad that all the hoopla is over and done with, and i don't have to pretend to be happy and smiley all the time anymore.
i can go back to bein the same ole bitch i always was. people can tell me everywhere i go to "smiiile".. and i can tell them to "shoooove it". and we'll just all be on our merry way.









i gotta ask ya though before we go on... just what could be cooler than a soul car? well other than a soul car-- made by someone other than kia. feast yo eyes ballz upon this----

it's a dad-gum soul-phone !!! OMG!! i could scream like a teenage girl at a boy band concert ! a soul car AND a soul phone ! i want them both. i can't have either. but i can want all i want. and i want those.







i bet you're wondering why i'm bein such a bitch aren't ya? well, first, i don't want to tell you. but second, i can't keep not tellin ya-- and continue to blog. at least not if i want readers-- or especially "friends who happen to read here" . because just in case you haven't noticed... the writing... or in y'alls cases the reading.. i guess, has kinda gone to hell over the last few months. won't you agree? it's ok, go ahead, agree.



i think i'm ready to tell ya why that is. in case i at least think ya don't already know. i have a feelin at least one of you has figured it out by now. maybe i'm wrong, but i don't know. i just have a feeling this person knows me pretty well. and i don't have to say much for her to pick up on stuff. never know tho. but she hasn't asked, and i haven't said.




so--- if you can't tell, yes , i am stalling. -- but even i didn't notice it til just now.
what will i do about that? well, i just got me a box of cracker jacks out of my christmas stocking, and after i get over the shock of just how cheap-ass they got with the surprise inside, i guess i will get back to where i was going.








ok. where was i? ahhh yes. something has been goin on out here. something big. something hurtful, and scary. and something that i guess i never thought i would have to deal with in my life. but i suppose, that as parents, we never expect to face a lot of things when it comes to our kids. do we?



we know there will be possibilities that they might make poor decisions at times. or bring home some bad grades now and again. a daughter may get pregnant too soon, or ask for "the pill" much younger than you'd ever dreamed she might. a son, maybe he'll join the military before finishing high school. or marry too young. or even himself end up with a baby at 16 or 15.
parents do consider these things might happen. but isn't it moreso in a maybe, but not my kid, kind of way? we might have a "just in case" speech tucked away for the day our 16 year old comes home pregnant. or maybe wants to quit school.



how many of us are ever really ready to face, live with, and accept, protect, fight with, forgive, and help, a fourteen year old drug addict???? how many moms and dads -- really know what the hell to do in that situation? when you're lied to? stolen from? pushed away? yelled at? disrespected? over and over and over and over, again-- until you can't sleep at night, in fear of the kid climbing out the window? getting in a car with older kids and going too far away-- getting in trouble, getting arrested, getting killed, getting raped, getting too stoned and just flat out getting her dumb ass pregnant?? how many are truly ready to live like that? to love a person that you would just as soon punch in the face, and shoot everyone she's ever associated with in the head??? how can a parent love someone so damn much that they would kill or die for them, yet their deepest desire is to run as far away as possible to spare herself from the emotional devastation around her?? who on this earth is ever ready-- or even willing for that?
that's what i thought.


and who, is ready, to blab all of it to the world? friends. neighbors. strangers. acquaintances. anybody? i don't think anyone is.



so, that's where i'm at folks.. all you friends. neighbors. strangers, and acquaintances. and. that is why my writing, and your reading has sucked here lately. because my world has been falling apart, and i have been trying to keep it a secret. if you haven't noticed, i am not a very good liar. i am not even a very good secret keeper. or half-fiction writer. when somethin is wrong in my life that i don't want --or refuse-- to talk about... it just makes itself be known, somehow. this time, i gave serious thought to shuttin down altogether. just not write at all. but y'all know i can't do that. i wrote here for months without anyone even reading it. that's still funny to me. what's funnier is that so many people found me. and stayed. and still like me. omg, some even met me, and still like me. some are related to me and still friggin like me.


when i started this thing--- i woulda-- and i prolly did--tell ya-- the whole world was against me and i meant every bit of it. i don't feel like that today.
nope. i just feel like God's out to get me. LOL. a joke y'all. i have to keep my sense of humor. that, and write. without either, i would surely keel over. which means i need YOU too. cuz, without y'all.. i would be right back where i was before. alone. agoraphobic. in my head. not fishin, not laughin, not functioning , ole soul.



little do you know it, but y'all have made me a stronger person this passed year or two. however long it's been. i could name names, but i won't do that. i believe each one of you has added your own special ingredient to make me this new "soul". and without each of you-- i wouldn't have made it through this last year.



i have shared a lot of "this" with my very best friend in the world-- and you all know who she is-- i'm still not sayin her name. :)) and recently, i have leaked some, here and there to a couple others. when i learned of some of this stuff, i did write here about it-- but the more serious it got-- the more i shut down.. or internalized it. but, still, the majority of my friends here, don't know what's been happening. not everything. not why i may sound..write..read...not write or read--or talk----or act-- (in a sense)-- differently.


am i stalling again? i feel like i'm repeating myself. dammit. not on purpose. you know, just kinda goin around in circles. i just catch it now and then. anyhow--
i'm obviously gettin to-- or talkin about soulkid here. before school got out-- may-- april-- i don't even know anymore. it just kinda happened. while it happened it was all in slow motion. but standing here today, looking back... it seems like a flash in time. but i swear, soulman and i both have aged ten years in the last six months. and all three of us, as individuals, and as a family, have walked through hell, and got burped back up----- TWICE. and hell is still chewin this time. we're just waitin on the next big belch.


but hey, we're doin the best we can. and better than that? so is soulkid. no longer do i want to run away. soulman doesn't either. i'm pretty sure soulkid won't be runnin away either. there has been times that each of us were ready to go our own seperate ways--on more than one occasion. it's hard to stay in a situation like this---- but when it comes to the nitty gritty -- it's even harder to walk away from it.


there's been helplessness, hopelessness, argueing, fighting, threatening, everything from shouting and throwing things, to silence and the big big words like, "leave" , "divorce" , "move", and "ship her off to gramma."


she did change schools... more like, we allowed her to, at her request -- but against MY better judgement.
y'all know about the geographical change thing though right?? but-- as it happens --she seemed to have followed herself.. along with her problems... and now she is in inpatient rehab for drug treatment. along with that, comes family counseling-- not only her personal counseling, and NA meetings, etc. she attends regular schoool in there as well.



she was allowed to come home for christmas-- for a five hour pass. subtract driving time ---- i saw my daughter on christmas day for four hours. not counting the alone time she spent "doin her thang" in her room. blasting the not missed music through the walls, putting the not allowed in rehab make-up on, primpin with the hair-do, and whatever else it is she does in that place she calls home. prolly changed clothes five hundred times. :))
then she came out and actually watched a dvd with us-- that was a first, in an extremely loooong time. we felt connected. and it was good. i was happy. well, as happy as i could be under the circumstances. but, i didn't feel that disconnect--or distance-- or claustrophobia-- that has smothered me for the past several years. it was the best christmas in this house in a long time. and it had nothin to do with money, or going somewhere, it was just us, and a pretty modest gift exchange. well... the kid got a nice camera-- but that's what credit-- i mean debt-- is for-- right? the rest, she was happy with.. even tho it wasn't like some other years. me and souldad never care about our gifts.. 15 or zero-- it's about her -- she was happy-- we were happy.



i don't know, but nobody fought, nobody yelled, we all got along, we smiled and laughed and hugged, and it was a good day. it was hard to say goodbye. she didn't want me to ride in the car-- but not in a mean way-- it's a control thing... a radio thing. you know teenagers. so i stayed here. and i really didn't mind. y'all know i hate traffic, and loud music, i was fine not goin, and so was she.

------that was yesterday -----

----below is today-- and more stuff to bore you with ----
----ya may wanna take a break about now.---

today, at 3, we had a family counseling session. i kind of knew what to expect, because last sunday, we had one as well. that was our first one since she got in there. it did not go well. at all. and i will take the hit for that. just as i did today with her counselor and her. i don't really know why--- i opened my mouth-- we fought for an hour. that was sunday. then tuesday-- for visitation... again--- i opened my mouth--- we fought--- the babysitter person.. "intervened" -- we left the visit thirty minutes early. i have to say, i expected today's session to kill me.










i went hesitantly but tried very hard to not go in there defensively. i think i handled myself well. she did too. actually, so did her dad. sometimes he will try to protect, or defend one of us-- usually her :)) -- this time he didn't talk unless or until the counselor asked him to. and as far as my kid or i yelling or fighting-- it just didn't happen. maybe a couple raised voices in defense, but we each caught ourselves and backed back down.



i really did kind of know what to expect, and that was only because her counselor had told me that she was going to read me a 7 page letter she had written me. (as part of her therapy--that i will reply to--there is a format to follow) . so , for days, and part of why i was worried about christmas being tense, i've been waiting to get blasted in this "meeting".
on the way over there, i told soulman, "i bet i coulda wrote this letter, i know what she's gonna say."


and i did. i didn't get to see the letter-- she didn't have time to read all of it to me. but the part she did read-- discuss-- etc, with me/us.. was exactly-- to a T -- what i was expecting her to "talk" about. i was proud of her though the way she delivered it. and for me, the way i handled it and didn't get defensive or arguementative with her. at least i don't think i did. it went nothing like i thought it would. i guess i can't say more than that. i expected a lot of anger and blame. and although i did get that-- it wasn't in as harsh a way as i expected.



so yep. that's my life for the last chunk of 2008...

and below is a bit of sleep bloggin for ya :))

well folks-- you gotta gimmee an a for cimmeean a firtkk3klllllll