ola folks -
what's happenin in your worlds these days? i would like to say the same ole 'not much in mine' - but i'd be lieing. it's about all i can do to not cry 24-7 these days. i try to be tough ole soul and hold it in - when that fails - i get in the tub -- for about an hour - or more and just get wet with the rest of me. in an attempt to fool even myself. i'm a mess. i know i shouldn't be. i guess i just can't help it anymore. the worst part? nothing is going on that hasn't gone on before in my life. i guess it's all happening at once this time.
well, the new thing is that i have learned that my husband is not invincible. i have never been faced with him having health problems. until now. everything is borderline. but it is all very serious. recently, we have learned that he is 'pre-diabetic'. i reckon it can be 'postponed - or reversed. by diet and exercise. but since it does run in his family - i am very concerned as to his pre disposition, and current 'condition'. it just may be inevitable for him. that 'diagnosis - plus his recent EKG - showing a 'possible - 'blockage - the reality that he might become ill at some point - rocked my world.
he had a 'stress test ' this morning - the initial report - came back 'ok'. but i'm not feeling so steady yet with that. we still have to wait for the final report .
then there's his 'foot'. i mentioned that he had surgery on his foot a while ago. the worst part of that was he accidentally bumped the dishwasher only days after the surgery- and the 'pin' got bent, and had to come out weeks sooner than planned. well- now - he has to have the surgery repeated . very soon, and this time- because it didn't heal properly - even worse than planned .. it will be SIX weeks NO weight bearing on his foot ! that is gonna be a major issue with work -- and everything else. the date isn't set yet for surgery -- but it is inevitable - and must be done ASAP, due to vacation plans and other things we have going on.
all this -- and we are in the worse financial situation we have been in since i can't even remember.
BUT --- here comes some GOOD news !!!!!
you ready ? (it is stressful for me - due to my level of pain - but we all know i can handle that - even tho i'm worried to death of it--- BUT
the soulkid is going back to audition for x-factor !!!! yup it's all planned out and reservations are made for her and i to go to austin in march for her to try again !!!! i have no doubt that she will make it this time! last year i watched the show and i was so mad that they had such bad people on that show -- she is so much better than that . my faith in her is over the top !
my faith in me? has me in tears. i am afraid i will embarrass her in some way. i think i will need some sort of walking aid. a push walker- with a seat, or a wheelchair - maybe even a electric scooter. i so hate the idea. i just can't do the lines etc. i cannot stand up that long. and i hate that - for her. i 'look' perfectly fine. but i'm not. i tried to talk to her about all of this today . her reply was ' if your this worried i would rather go alone' wow.
i'm just a mess.
but that's why ya haven't heard from me -- lots goin on.. but not much to say really -- without sounding like a mess.
i just wanna be normal --
i wanna go out to lunch --
Friday, February 24, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
delight your sick valentine with this yummy dinner
yes, i know - i'm late in posting -- again. but here i am.. with my sick hubby valentine dinner i made for soulman. i guess we've been blessed all these past years, because all i can remember eating on valentines day has been big fat rib eye steaks ! my all time fave . weather it be at home on the grill , or out in a nice restaurant, that's one thing i can always count on for our valentines dinner. until this one. hubby had some kind of somethin goin on, and was sick sick sick. not only for valentines day -- but for many days. so, on valentines day i was left wondering ' what does one do with a sick valentine' ? well - chicken soup for the soul , right? hmmm.. ok - but not just any soup will do for valentine's day. so, i went on the hunt -- and found the perfect soup for my sick valentine... tortellini chicken soup ! and for dessert? well, i winged it .. we had some 'stuff .. and i ended up turning it in to - a 'sweet valentine treat for a sick man tummy'. all went over well, and it was actually good, and not bland sick food. it was fresh, pretty, and very tasty.
want to see it?
want to see it?
here we have the chicken tortellini soup- with fresh veggies
here is vanilla bean ice cream, strawberry slices, a rice crispy treat, covered in melted chocolate
it was much appreciated -- and beat the hell out of caned chicken noodle!
i used this recipe ---
California Chicken Soup
Ingredients
- 1 (48 fluid ounce) can chicken broth
- 3 cups water
- 2 frozen skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - diced
- 1 small onion, diced
- 1 cup thinly sliced carrots
- 1 teaspoon lemon pepper
- 1 teaspoon dried oregano
- 1 dash garlic salt
- 2 cups fresh broccoli florets
- 1 (9 ounce) package frozen cheese tortellini
- 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
Directions
- Bring the broth and water to a boil in a large pot, and mix in chicken, onion, and carrots. Season with lemon pepper, oregano, and garlic salt. Reduce heat to low, and simmer 25 minutes, or until chicken juices run clear.
- Stir the broccoli into the pot, and cook 10 minutes. Stir in the tortellini, and continue cooking 10 minutes, or until tortellini is al dente. Mix in the Paremsan cheese just before serving.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
but of course i tweaked the seasoning - and used a lot more. -- it was a lot better than some of the reviews show on the original recipe. - most saying it was bland.. i used
'refrigerated 3 cheese tortellini' - nevre al dente - that is raw to me -- i cook my pasta , also i used 'powdered chicken bouillon', used a bit more spice than called for, added lemon juice,and rather than dried oregano i used fresh basil.
it was a hit !!! and i must say -- i had some for lunch today -- and it's even better the second time around!!!
so -- a sick valentine - doesn't mean no valentine
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy valentines day to my soul peeps
I couldn't think of anything to write for today, without getting sappy, in a way to remind y'all that even though you don't see me much - you all have your place in my soul
Happy valentines day!!! I hope it's a special one for all of you!
If it's not- just think like i do... It's really just another day :))
Ok, it's whatever you want it to be. For me, it never meant to much, but we usually make it ' whatever we want it to be' - even after 20 years. As for this one? Hubby is sick, and i'm playin nurse - hmmmm chicken soup by candle light ?
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Photo Challenge Post - Memories -
howdy folks -
as usual, i'm late getting my post up . i just can't remember anything these days . not that it's a new problem. it is a problem though. i didn't remember it was time for this, even though i had been looking forward to it for a few weeks. do you think i was prepared early? nope. maybe next time. ok.. for sure next time.
moving on to the photos - the topic for this challenge is 'Memories' , and after sifting through many photos, and favorites, i have got it down to a handful. not an easy task for a picture taking fool, such as myself.
as usual, i'm late getting my post up . i just can't remember anything these days . not that it's a new problem. it is a problem though. i didn't remember it was time for this, even though i had been looking forward to it for a few weeks. do you think i was prepared early? nope. maybe next time. ok.. for sure next time.
moving on to the photos - the topic for this challenge is 'Memories' , and after sifting through many photos, and favorites, i have got it down to a handful. not an easy task for a picture taking fool, such as myself.
here we have my two most loved dogs of my life.
"Midnight, and Chicklet"
i took this pic on a overnite concert trip with soukid-
when we lived in NM, she was obviously thrilled to go to her first 'Big concert'
'Fall out boy'
daddy daughter fishin smiles :))
one of my favorite photos ever of them together
we lived in KS, and this was a FUN camping trip
a very relaxed and even sexy soulman :))
(he woulda been in jeans - but he just had hernia surgery)
another fave -- just the kid havin fun and bein silly
thanks for stopping by - i'll be around your places soon to see what your favorite memories are
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
not as bad as i thought
howdy folks -
how's the tuesday in your world? mine's prolly good as it's gonna get today. i had the rhizotomy done on my back yesterday. i worried about that for a week, but luckily, came out better than i expected. it does hurt though. worse than it did when i went in. but, not as bad as i was worried about it hurting. i was convinced i wouldn't even be able to walk. so in that way i feel real good about it. but as far as getting active or goin fishin any time soon? i don't see that for a while. of course, it's been a while. at least now i can hope that maybe in a couple weeks - or less, the nerves will will 'die' and the pain will subside, and i just may have a chance at getting my life back. i'll let ya know. i'm workin on my list though, and hoping that soon i will be fishin, and workin on some home improvements. maybe even makin a little road trip in a few weeks. it's a stretch i know, but it could happen. maybe.
well, i must say, i feel rather impotent writing here lately. i have absolutely nothing to tell you. i have no life at all these days. my highest point of prolly the month was a couple days ago (friday) when i learned that daughters toilet upstairs had overflowed - most likely at least one to two days prior. i was finally gonna take myself fishin. it was close to 80 degrees outside and i was hoping to enjoy a nice day before i was to be housebound for an unknown length of time due to the rhizotomy. so i was outside preparing my tackle and rods for about half an hour, when i decided to come in and put on a short sleeved shirt. for once , there was no music or tv on. i was walking out of my bedroom, when i noticed a noise. i looked up - then noticed a 'stain' on my bedroom ceiling. instantly i knew there was water coming through the floor-to my ceiling. you know i had an instant panic attack. gawd. i had all my fishin stuff all over the place outside- my car was open with the window down. and i had to get upstairs in a hurry to find out what was goin on there. i nearly killed myself with all the runnin around, up and down. i had to run - well, the best i could.. up first , to see what happened - it was the toilet - and an inch and a half of water - all over the bathroom! then down, to put away the stuff outside, and lock up my car. then back up to turn off the toilet water - only to discover the soulkid had flushed the toilet ! to flood it even worse. :(( - then down, for towels.. UP to help clean water. then down, to text hubby, and spend hours trying to calm myself out of the worst panic attack i've had in months. it was horrible. absolutely awful. the only thing that has been done about that situation is the next day, hubby plunged the toilet , and it works now. and he washed all the towels we used to clean up the floor.
but what about the floor/ceiling??? that's MY question. WTH? do we just ignore that? wouldn't ya think the stability of the floor is compromised? i really don't feel good about the possibility of a friggin toilet crashing through my bedroom ceiling at some point in time. but hey, apparently, i just worry too much, and need to chill out. - yup direct quote - or maybe advice. i worry too much. well, i think that's a pretty significant concern. how bought you?
anyhow, i know i aint doin anything about it today. i have a date with my chair today. and perhaps a pain pill or two.
happy days to y'all today
how's the tuesday in your world? mine's prolly good as it's gonna get today. i had the rhizotomy done on my back yesterday. i worried about that for a week, but luckily, came out better than i expected. it does hurt though. worse than it did when i went in. but, not as bad as i was worried about it hurting. i was convinced i wouldn't even be able to walk. so in that way i feel real good about it. but as far as getting active or goin fishin any time soon? i don't see that for a while. of course, it's been a while. at least now i can hope that maybe in a couple weeks - or less, the nerves will will 'die' and the pain will subside, and i just may have a chance at getting my life back. i'll let ya know. i'm workin on my list though, and hoping that soon i will be fishin, and workin on some home improvements. maybe even makin a little road trip in a few weeks. it's a stretch i know, but it could happen. maybe.
well, i must say, i feel rather impotent writing here lately. i have absolutely nothing to tell you. i have no life at all these days. my highest point of prolly the month was a couple days ago (friday) when i learned that daughters toilet upstairs had overflowed - most likely at least one to two days prior. i was finally gonna take myself fishin. it was close to 80 degrees outside and i was hoping to enjoy a nice day before i was to be housebound for an unknown length of time due to the rhizotomy. so i was outside preparing my tackle and rods for about half an hour, when i decided to come in and put on a short sleeved shirt. for once , there was no music or tv on. i was walking out of my bedroom, when i noticed a noise. i looked up - then noticed a 'stain' on my bedroom ceiling. instantly i knew there was water coming through the floor-to my ceiling. you know i had an instant panic attack. gawd. i had all my fishin stuff all over the place outside- my car was open with the window down. and i had to get upstairs in a hurry to find out what was goin on there. i nearly killed myself with all the runnin around, up and down. i had to run - well, the best i could.. up first , to see what happened - it was the toilet - and an inch and a half of water - all over the bathroom! then down, to put away the stuff outside, and lock up my car. then back up to turn off the toilet water - only to discover the soulkid had flushed the toilet ! to flood it even worse. :(( - then down, for towels.. UP to help clean water. then down, to text hubby, and spend hours trying to calm myself out of the worst panic attack i've had in months. it was horrible. absolutely awful. the only thing that has been done about that situation is the next day, hubby plunged the toilet , and it works now. and he washed all the towels we used to clean up the floor.
but what about the floor/ceiling??? that's MY question. WTH? do we just ignore that? wouldn't ya think the stability of the floor is compromised? i really don't feel good about the possibility of a friggin toilet crashing through my bedroom ceiling at some point in time. but hey, apparently, i just worry too much, and need to chill out. - yup direct quote - or maybe advice. i worry too much. well, i think that's a pretty significant concern. how bought you?
anyhow, i know i aint doin anything about it today. i have a date with my chair today. and perhaps a pain pill or two.
happy days to y'all today
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
You know you're screwed when:
Your own shrink says, "you're on your own".
Not a direct quote. But yup, that about sums it up. What more can i say? Hmmmmmmm.
For now, i'm fixn ta eat dinner and watch american idol. Other than that?
I have a rhizotomy 'lazer surgery' scheduled for my low back on monday morning. All i can hope
for is some signicant pain relief, and a short recovery period. I hope that happens.
Catch ya later folks
Have a happy night in your worlds!!!
Not a direct quote. But yup, that about sums it up. What more can i say? Hmmmmmmm.
For now, i'm fixn ta eat dinner and watch american idol. Other than that?
I have a rhizotomy 'lazer surgery' scheduled for my low back on monday morning. All i can hope
for is some signicant pain relief, and a short recovery period. I hope that happens.
Catch ya later folks
Have a happy night in your worlds!!!
Friday, January 13, 2012
Yo,yo,yo
So, i had a rough day in my last post. It happens, right. More often than not here lately... Sorry. But hey, i said i'd try to post more, i should get a little credit for that much at least. No? Yeh. Not. That's why i stopped in the first place. I really couldn't find anything decent to put here. Not like i used to, at least. I even considered re-posting some 'best of's. Until it became too much work to sift thru the babble-a thon posts of soul posts past. But i did realize something... I used to be pretty darn entertaining at times here sometimes. Even when things were going pretty bad. - and if anyone remembers, there have been some damn rough times in the soul world.
Some of those subjects for whatever reason, have come up in conversation over these past few weeks. I find myself amazed really, that the three of us are, for one living under the same roof.... And second, more amazed that us girls here are still vertical and breathing.
Soulman, has been forever blessed,so far with his health. Of course there have been concerns, and had a few issues, but none life threatening. Certainly nothing out of the ordinary for a man his age.
But for soulkid.. My Lord, my baby, soulkid. that kid has been through more than i have.. In a certain area. Which included an entire world that i know little to nothing about, except from what i've seen on tv. Aside from the ramifications of what it did to her, and our family. That part of her life will never be completely 'over'. It is a fear that i live with. but i know for now that every day for the last three years, she is a miracle. And her life today.. For her, and us is a blessing. Even tho she still likes to piss me off on a daily basis :)) there are more good days than bad with her. Our relationship is now more mature, and she has begun to understand a lot more about the way things work with me and my limitations... Rather than taking that personally. To see her with goals, and dreams, and watch her act on those? Nothing short of a miracle. To even imagine that we might have buried her at the age of 14? The thought of it is nothing short of , well, angering. Due to the circumstances.
Then again, the fact that we.. And mainly SHE, got her out of that mess, and life, makes me very proud and grateful. ... Sorry, if some of you don't know, or remember this part of our lives, but it was not easy. It nearly destroyed us all.
As for me? Reflecting on the last post.. And the 'question of the day' how do i find a balance? Well... I don't know yet how i feel about it, but i do feel better physically for it. So, it must be a good start. I absolutely despise 'being lazy' . It just isn't my nature. I wasn't completely stagnant type lazy, i did work on things like animal clean up, kitchen.. Except for dishes, bills etc, i even cooked.. And hubby loved it. I don't cook near enough anymore, not for a couple years. That's due to the pain, but the fam still loves my food and i do enjoy it when i can handle it. Anyhow, the point is, i basically didn't pressure or push myself or my body yesterday. i did what i felt i could do - when i felt i could do it. not in a hurry - all at once. And it was good for me. My idea being... "pace yourself" ... Dumbass. I don't think i know how to do that.ie. being - . i was barely healed from 2 broken ribs this summer, and went on a four day cleaning frenzy! It damn near killed me. I couldn't stop myself. And when i say frenzy.. I mean over six to eight hours a day of heavy cleaning - frenzied manic type needs to be done yesterday cleaning. That's how i am. With everything. That's why i get so hard on myself when i can't do that. I know i expect too much from myself . I know that i just can't and shouldn't even try to push myself that way.at least not anymore. i know- i should have known a couple years ago. maybe i did.. i'm just hard headed.
That's why i tried the 'be gentle on yourself" approach yesterday. And ya know what? Today .. Of course after my morning dose of drugs i'd rather not deal with.. I feel like i will make it out of the house an hit my errands that have been put off for the last couple days. and i'm actually looking forward to it. So, lesson learned... Day on, day off? Maybe? This is only a test.
Who knows? I just might go fishin soon. Well, if it warms up any. The last few days have been too cold for my liking. this morning hasn't even hit 30 yet :(( But 50's are comin in a day or two. .. Also cold, to me.. But we shall see. i know for a fact, that when i get out in the sun, and air, and move this body of mine more than ten steps at a time.. I feel better.. Both physically and mentally.
Fishing, for me, i think is the best exercise..or physical therapy i could have. It moves all the muscles , joints and bones that hurt me. And mentally? I don't think i'm ever happier than i am when i catch a fish.
It's friday the 13TH Are ya scared? Does anyone have any true superstitions?
i don't , but it makes for a fun day anyhow.
tell me your thoughts on the day - i think i heard we have four of them this year. a rare thing. hmmm.
i hope you all have happy days in your worlds today !
it's really good to see y'all comin back around. i'm slow, but i'm gettin there - one blog at a time. in no particular order .. see ya soon..
Some of those subjects for whatever reason, have come up in conversation over these past few weeks. I find myself amazed really, that the three of us are, for one living under the same roof.... And second, more amazed that us girls here are still vertical and breathing.
Soulman, has been forever blessed,so far with his health. Of course there have been concerns, and had a few issues, but none life threatening. Certainly nothing out of the ordinary for a man his age.
But for soulkid.. My Lord, my baby, soulkid. that kid has been through more than i have.. In a certain area. Which included an entire world that i know little to nothing about, except from what i've seen on tv. Aside from the ramifications of what it did to her, and our family. That part of her life will never be completely 'over'. It is a fear that i live with. but i know for now that every day for the last three years, she is a miracle. And her life today.. For her, and us is a blessing. Even tho she still likes to piss me off on a daily basis :)) there are more good days than bad with her. Our relationship is now more mature, and she has begun to understand a lot more about the way things work with me and my limitations... Rather than taking that personally. To see her with goals, and dreams, and watch her act on those? Nothing short of a miracle. To even imagine that we might have buried her at the age of 14? The thought of it is nothing short of , well, angering. Due to the circumstances.
Then again, the fact that we.. And mainly SHE, got her out of that mess, and life, makes me very proud and grateful. ... Sorry, if some of you don't know, or remember this part of our lives, but it was not easy. It nearly destroyed us all.
As for me? Reflecting on the last post.. And the 'question of the day' how do i find a balance? Well... I don't know yet how i feel about it, but i do feel better physically for it. So, it must be a good start. I absolutely despise 'being lazy' . It just isn't my nature. I wasn't completely stagnant type lazy, i did work on things like animal clean up, kitchen.. Except for dishes, bills etc, i even cooked.. And hubby loved it. I don't cook near enough anymore, not for a couple years. That's due to the pain, but the fam still loves my food and i do enjoy it when i can handle it. Anyhow, the point is, i basically didn't pressure or push myself or my body yesterday. i did what i felt i could do - when i felt i could do it. not in a hurry - all at once. And it was good for me. My idea being... "pace yourself" ... Dumbass. I don't think i know how to do that.ie. being - . i was barely healed from 2 broken ribs this summer, and went on a four day cleaning frenzy! It damn near killed me. I couldn't stop myself. And when i say frenzy.. I mean over six to eight hours a day of heavy cleaning - frenzied manic type needs to be done yesterday cleaning. That's how i am. With everything. That's why i get so hard on myself when i can't do that. I know i expect too much from myself . I know that i just can't and shouldn't even try to push myself that way.at least not anymore. i know- i should have known a couple years ago. maybe i did.. i'm just hard headed.
That's why i tried the 'be gentle on yourself" approach yesterday. And ya know what? Today .. Of course after my morning dose of drugs i'd rather not deal with.. I feel like i will make it out of the house an hit my errands that have been put off for the last couple days. and i'm actually looking forward to it. So, lesson learned... Day on, day off? Maybe? This is only a test.
Who knows? I just might go fishin soon. Well, if it warms up any. The last few days have been too cold for my liking. this morning hasn't even hit 30 yet :(( But 50's are comin in a day or two. .. Also cold, to me.. But we shall see. i know for a fact, that when i get out in the sun, and air, and move this body of mine more than ten steps at a time.. I feel better.. Both physically and mentally.
Fishing, for me, i think is the best exercise..or physical therapy i could have. It moves all the muscles , joints and bones that hurt me. And mentally? I don't think i'm ever happier than i am when i catch a fish.
It's friday the 13TH Are ya scared? Does anyone have any true superstitions?
i don't , but it makes for a fun day anyhow.
tell me your thoughts on the day - i think i heard we have four of them this year. a rare thing. hmmm.
i hope you all have happy days in your worlds today !
it's really good to see y'all comin back around. i'm slow, but i'm gettin there - one blog at a time. in no particular order .. see ya soon..
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
my mind is busy but the body won't follow
somebody help me :((
i swear y'all. someone out there with the powers that be, simply has to hate me. no matter what i do - or don't do, i just can't get it together. i have run out out of ideas, and solutions. i have come to the conclusion that this is the life that i have been given, and i have to adapt to it. the way that it is. i can't force it to change, and i have to stop feeling guilty for the days that i 'can't get up.'
i have literally a dozen and twelve reasons - to truly not feel good on any given day, yet i find just as many reasons to beat on myself for just that. a lot of folks call it 'should-ing'. i should be doing this or that. i can 'should' myself to death. many days i nearly do. some days i will overdo it so much that i hurt for days. and i know in advance that it's gonna happen. sometimes it might only be sitting at the desk for too long workin on business that i'm behind on. but man, i pay for it. when that kind of thing happens, and i'm down for days recovering, when i do end up feeling better, guess what happens? do i bounce back up? not usually. i end up down even longer -with fear of being 'down' again. so i'm in baby myself mode for a few days longer. then i get depressed. then i get angry. then comes isolation. then ya know what happens? i begin to hurt again, from being lazy, and not doin enough,. so then what happens? i end up manic.. and go on a cleaning frenzy - cuz in my week or so of feeling like shit, the entire house and list of responsibilities has only worsened. so,the cycle begins all over again.
and that my friends, is what my life has become. a cycle of pain, depression, and playing catch-up with life.
what the hell am i supposed to do now? how do i find a balance in this mess while at the same time still attempt to show some semblance of 'normalcy' to those around me, when there is none.
i believe i just exited the most difficult year of my life both physically and mentally. and from the looks of it so far, as short as it is 2012 isn't looking too promising either. at least not physically. i have spent almost the entire 'year' inside my home.all two weeks of it, feeling sickly, and in pain. i have had my first round of spinal steroidal injections of the year, which were no help at all. and for the first time in as long as i can remember, i cancelled a VA dr appointment the other day - because i felt too bad to drive out there and deal with it. i never cancel anything that i have on schedule. i'm a very schedule rigid person. until now apparently.
it's very difficult for me to look at my life the way that it really is these days. i'm not giving up. i'm not giving in. i just have to figure out what the in between is. there is a balance somewhere - but where is it for a person like me? a bi-polar, chronic - everywhere pain havin (multiple diagnoses), Addisons disease havin, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigued, i've fallen and i can't get up self type person ? that is a lot of crap for one body - every day. and it's a lot of medication- every day. i really do try - every day to merely function. much less, live a full life, and run this house, and keep up with people , places and things. and God knows i wanna go fishin. how simple is that? but just the thought of carrying the tackle bag is too much lately. beautiful spring like days have gone by this last couple months - and pain and weakness has cost me the things that i love most. i'm gettin worried now that that depression might be what takes the rest.
i'm gettin older, and this body can't take as much, and there's no one else to do what i do. and i don't know what to do about that. some things obviously must be changed. figurin out what and how is the issue.
has anyone seen soul?
i swear y'all. someone out there with the powers that be, simply has to hate me. no matter what i do - or don't do, i just can't get it together. i have run out out of ideas, and solutions. i have come to the conclusion that this is the life that i have been given, and i have to adapt to it. the way that it is. i can't force it to change, and i have to stop feeling guilty for the days that i 'can't get up.'
i have literally a dozen and twelve reasons - to truly not feel good on any given day, yet i find just as many reasons to beat on myself for just that. a lot of folks call it 'should-ing'. i should be doing this or that. i can 'should' myself to death. many days i nearly do. some days i will overdo it so much that i hurt for days. and i know in advance that it's gonna happen. sometimes it might only be sitting at the desk for too long workin on business that i'm behind on. but man, i pay for it. when that kind of thing happens, and i'm down for days recovering, when i do end up feeling better, guess what happens? do i bounce back up? not usually. i end up down even longer -with fear of being 'down' again. so i'm in baby myself mode for a few days longer. then i get depressed. then i get angry. then comes isolation. then ya know what happens? i begin to hurt again, from being lazy, and not doin enough,. so then what happens? i end up manic.. and go on a cleaning frenzy - cuz in my week or so of feeling like shit, the entire house and list of responsibilities has only worsened. so,the cycle begins all over again.
and that my friends, is what my life has become. a cycle of pain, depression, and playing catch-up with life.
what the hell am i supposed to do now? how do i find a balance in this mess while at the same time still attempt to show some semblance of 'normalcy' to those around me, when there is none.
i believe i just exited the most difficult year of my life both physically and mentally. and from the looks of it so far, as short as it is 2012 isn't looking too promising either. at least not physically. i have spent almost the entire 'year' inside my home.all two weeks of it, feeling sickly, and in pain. i have had my first round of spinal steroidal injections of the year, which were no help at all. and for the first time in as long as i can remember, i cancelled a VA dr appointment the other day - because i felt too bad to drive out there and deal with it. i never cancel anything that i have on schedule. i'm a very schedule rigid person. until now apparently.
it's very difficult for me to look at my life the way that it really is these days. i'm not giving up. i'm not giving in. i just have to figure out what the in between is. there is a balance somewhere - but where is it for a person like me? a bi-polar, chronic - everywhere pain havin (multiple diagnoses), Addisons disease havin, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigued, i've fallen and i can't get up self type person ? that is a lot of crap for one body - every day. and it's a lot of medication- every day. i really do try - every day to merely function. much less, live a full life, and run this house, and keep up with people , places and things. and God knows i wanna go fishin. how simple is that? but just the thought of carrying the tackle bag is too much lately. beautiful spring like days have gone by this last couple months - and pain and weakness has cost me the things that i love most. i'm gettin worried now that that depression might be what takes the rest.
i'm gettin older, and this body can't take as much, and there's no one else to do what i do. and i don't know what to do about that. some things obviously must be changed. figurin out what and how is the issue.
has anyone seen soul?
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Smoke n choke blog 1- 2012
Mornin folks! How's the new year treatin ya so far? Me? Busy and mean already, if you haven't noticed already. Last time I posted I think we all had the idea that I was 'back' to my good ole blabbathon blogging at least almost daily. At least it was my plan. Initially. Seems I forgot that things are a little diffent here lately... As in months long lately. First of all is my damn pain issues, and I think that might be what began my entire disappearing act in the first place. Some of you know that pain.. To the extent that some of us here just becomes life altering sometimes , and yeh it does me, and and when I get to a point of non- tolerance with it- it gets flat out depressing. So.. Yesterday was the 3 rd , and if you read my last post.. It was the day of my spinal injections. I had high hopes for this round. They haven't done any on my lower back in a couple years.. And I was really trying to be positive that I would get much pain relief. I did not. I did however, spend the rest of the day unhook for the fact I had zero pain relief from the procedure .. There usually is at least some percentage of less pain even as I leave the clinic. Instead it was a bad pain day, spent in bed, or in my chair... Not far from the new norm. Depressing. Next step? Remember the "rhizotomy" ? The first one I had nearly crippled my neck and back for nearly five months. Since then I have had at least one more which was very helpful and worked for several months. ,but that was like two years ago tho, i think. Damn insurance crackin down. So, even tho it can be scary, especially since this will be my lower back, targeting my back and legs- if it happens - it's hard to not be afraid that if it goes wrong.. I may face a wheelchair for who knows how long. Legs happen to be quite important ya know, and mine seem to only worsen over time. Sometimes I think I get like a wounded animal. " don't talk to me, don't look at me, don't make me go anywhere..just leave me alone! And we all know, that is a 'bad place for me to be'. Anyhow, that was a long version of why no one saw me yesterday.
The day before yesterday, I was actually somewhat communicative to some, catchin up with a few folks online, even catching up with some way far behind games online. Many I hadn't played or responded to 'chat comments' in over ten days. Three folks I'd been playin with for several months- and gettin to know , resigned- obviously with hurt feelings' and not knowing why I 'disappeared then came from nowhere. Only one will be missed' a young guy goin in the air force soon.. We talked often when we played , having military in common, he had many questions, and we just had a good time playin. Was I surprised that people were upset? Nope. Did I see it comin? Yep. Yep I did. I even, as trying to at least motivate myself.. Would say 'self.. If don't reconnect with your friends, they aren't gonna be there much longer. It happens though. It has happened with me before. It ain't easy earning that trust back... That I do 'go inside myself sometimes'. And not always do folks understand how to not take that personally. Ya just gotta know that it isn't.
Oops- got off track.. But day before yesterday, I was getting back on track in the morning.. When guess what happened? Mr. Douglass - one of our many kitty cats, suddenly had a bought of uncontrollable runny poops. Everywhere! It took a bit to find the cause and location of the suffocating odor. We thought it was big dog Eevee. It was not. Poor Douglas ha 'lost it' in at least four different locations around the house. The most concerning being near the cat food bowl!! I began 'inspecting kitty butts'. We have four of them, you know. He was third .. And with his fluffy hair, and plumes tail.. It was not a fun discovery. What scared me terribly was that we had a cat when soul kid was about four or five.. The only cat I had ever seen before or since to 'lose control' that way. And the outcome was not good. So, I put him in his crate and got the earliest vet appointment I could get. His diagnosis? Colonists. Don't ask me. He doesn't eat people food.. All the cats eat the same food. No recent changes. Just an expensive mystery illness. And meds. He's been ok since. Happy about that obviously. But WTH? A 90.00 vet bill? What a way to start the new year...with one of my goals being to save money, yeh, not doin so well in that department already. Aside from the vet bill, I had to drop four hundred for yesterday's co-pays. AND, today I get to pay off soulmans surgery. An easy 1000.00 + that would've been a good start in a college fund. Whaaaa.
Can ya tell that I'm not using my 'Dragon software' this time? I think it's takin longer to type it out, but soulman was asleep when I started the post, and I thought.. If he wakes up, and I'm in here talkin to myself? I don't think it would go over too well. HA!
So anyways.. Here me is! I have no idea what I just said.. I'm lookin at a microscopic blog post.. And have been up way too long already. But I'm checking in, just like I said I would.
I have lots to do today.. Or at least planned to do.. Wish me luck on at least some success there. Gotta start somewhere right
I've fallen and I can't get up!,,, soul down !,,
I get knocked down, but I get up again.
Don't fall down now, you'll never get up again.
Name those tunes.
And have some really good days in your worlds today!
I am doin what I can.. Todo what I can.
And I miss ya!
I'll getmy shit together soon. Some things need to come first tho... I reckon I must learn to prioritize. It's been tough with everyone home for so long. My routine got tossled.
Later folks...
The day before yesterday, I was actually somewhat communicative to some, catchin up with a few folks online, even catching up with some way far behind games online. Many I hadn't played or responded to 'chat comments' in over ten days. Three folks I'd been playin with for several months- and gettin to know , resigned- obviously with hurt feelings' and not knowing why I 'disappeared then came from nowhere. Only one will be missed' a young guy goin in the air force soon.. We talked often when we played , having military in common, he had many questions, and we just had a good time playin. Was I surprised that people were upset? Nope. Did I see it comin? Yep. Yep I did. I even, as trying to at least motivate myself.. Would say 'self.. If don't reconnect with your friends, they aren't gonna be there much longer. It happens though. It has happened with me before. It ain't easy earning that trust back... That I do 'go inside myself sometimes'. And not always do folks understand how to not take that personally. Ya just gotta know that it isn't.
Oops- got off track.. But day before yesterday, I was getting back on track in the morning.. When guess what happened? Mr. Douglass - one of our many kitty cats, suddenly had a bought of uncontrollable runny poops. Everywhere! It took a bit to find the cause and location of the suffocating odor. We thought it was big dog Eevee. It was not. Poor Douglas ha 'lost it' in at least four different locations around the house. The most concerning being near the cat food bowl!! I began 'inspecting kitty butts'. We have four of them, you know. He was third .. And with his fluffy hair, and plumes tail.. It was not a fun discovery. What scared me terribly was that we had a cat when soul kid was about four or five.. The only cat I had ever seen before or since to 'lose control' that way. And the outcome was not good. So, I put him in his crate and got the earliest vet appointment I could get. His diagnosis? Colonists. Don't ask me. He doesn't eat people food.. All the cats eat the same food. No recent changes. Just an expensive mystery illness. And meds. He's been ok since. Happy about that obviously. But WTH? A 90.00 vet bill? What a way to start the new year...with one of my goals being to save money, yeh, not doin so well in that department already. Aside from the vet bill, I had to drop four hundred for yesterday's co-pays. AND, today I get to pay off soulmans surgery. An easy 1000.00 + that would've been a good start in a college fund. Whaaaa.
Can ya tell that I'm not using my 'Dragon software' this time? I think it's takin longer to type it out, but soulman was asleep when I started the post, and I thought.. If he wakes up, and I'm in here talkin to myself? I don't think it would go over too well. HA!
So anyways.. Here me is! I have no idea what I just said.. I'm lookin at a microscopic blog post.. And have been up way too long already. But I'm checking in, just like I said I would.
I have lots to do today.. Or at least planned to do.. Wish me luck on at least some success there. Gotta start somewhere right
I've fallen and I can't get up!,,, soul down !,,
I get knocked down, but I get up again.
Don't fall down now, you'll never get up again.
Name those tunes.
And have some really good days in your worlds today!
I am doin what I can.. Todo what I can.
And I miss ya!
I'll getmy shit together soon. Some things need to come first tho... I reckon I must learn to prioritize. It's been tough with everyone home for so long. My routine got tossled.
Later folks...
Sunday, January 1, 2012
hey y'all i'm not in the morgue
Howdy y’all
Long time no see, again. happy new year !
I’m trying out a new gadget I got for Christmas. It’s one of those things that that when you talk into a headset (mic) it makes the computer type for you. So far I think it’s more hassle than it is good. If you’ve ever talked to me you would know why. You have to speak clearly and perfectly. And I do neither. I wanted it in order to help me write my book that I’ve talked about for years, and have gotten nowhere with. It says you can train it to speak the way that you do, but until then you’ll all have to get used to me speaking good English – or somewhat so. Or at least try to. Anyhow, it will obviously be of good use to help me with my book. Moving on, I just wanted you to know that it is me who is talking to you. And not soulman or somebody . Ha!
So. what is going on in your world? There’s not a whole lot new in mine. Me and soulman when out on a real live grown-up date last night for the first time in 18 years for New Year’s Eve. Kidless, and somewhat dressed up. Do you think we made it through the night without talking about the child? We did not. It was kind of odd without her there.
But it was nice. We need to do that more often. It’s almost weird to think that we’ve been married nearly 20 years, and to realize that soulkid is almost 18 years old in Three more months. Crazy to think that you all have been with me through her roughest times as a teenager. And there sure have been some rough times. I don’t think the clan would have made it intact without you.
She is doing very well these days. She’s had the same boyfriend for over a year, they spent the evening together last night, and she cooked dinner for him while we went out. Later we all brought in the new year together. that was nice, but sadly, it’s probably the last New Year’s Eve that she will want to be with us at midnight. I reckon that’s all right by me. Our little family is growing up.
She will be starting college soon, and probably have a part-time job, which will leave little time for family. She has been off work for a couple months, so I’m kind of used to having her around a lot more lately. It will be strange getting used to her being, gone a lot again. But c’est la vie. And good for her, she is on the right path.
Soulman will be back on schedule soon as well. He missed a lot of work with his foot surgery. I don’t even know if I told you all about that. I reckon I’ll save that for another day – gross pictures, and all. I will tell you it was not fun for him . It was elective not an emergency. So don’t worry. He is fine now, but doing physical therapy once or twice a week.
I suppose once they are back on track with their own lives, there will be no better time than the then, for me to begin my own. It seems everything Put on hold – or maybe even came to a screeching halt, and I don’t even know why. It just did. For whatever reason, sometime back in August or so, life just stopped for me. Maybe it wasn’t so sudden as that, I think it was more in chunks or sections. Like a pie getting sliced. First to go was fishing, next was blogging well maybe blogging was first. Surely it was. Then it was people. Online and real-life people. Everyone. It was just everything piece by piece. I’m just let go and watch everything fall away. In this last couple of weeks I have had e-mails, and phone calls, even messages on some games on my phone – from people wondering if I’m still alive. Shame on me. Blame it on Christmas . I’m just kidding. I don’t know why I did it, or what happened. I just crawled into my cave again. I don’t really feel like coming out of it just yet but I know that I need to whether I like it or not. It’s getting too comfortable.
I saw my pain doctor a couple days ago. She wants me to have more shots. Yippee! Not. But I am scheduled for January third at noon. Soulman is my driver as usual. This time it is for my low back and will hopefully help with back and leg pain. I want to go fishing. I want to go out to lunch, I want to be normal.
Anyways I reckon I shall try to keep in better touch with y’all this year. Looks like I only posted 37 times in the past 12 months. That’s pretty pitiful for me. So since I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions, that is a start. So I pity you who reads these pages in the coming year. Come with coffee!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
gettin shot in the neck can't be fun
how's things peeps? good i hope.
things here? well, hard to say. but i'm ready to leave and had a few minutes to spare and figgered i'd spend em with y'all. i know my thoughts and words have been a total mess here lately, but hey, gimmee some credit for at least tryin to stay in touch eh? anyhow what am i ready for? to go get shot to hell. that's what. yeh. i think i mentioned it a few days ago. i have to go get more steroid shots today. i have been needin them for several months , but putting em off due to lack of funds. the pain has gotten to a level that i just can't stand anymore. i did a little robbing from peter to pay paul and made it happen. so i go in this morning - like in about 20 minutes to get the procedure done. i've had these injections before - just not this many . this time there will be four - in three areas. two in my neck - two in my spine. like i said before - i don't fear the shots -- i'm asleep when they do them. i don't feel anything. afterwards i wake up within 30 , minutes. then i leave. my hubby drives me and picks me up - he always has me a fresh cup of coffee - cuz i can't have anything (fast) before the procedure. so you know i'm ready to kill someone and have a bad headache by then. anyhow - we go home - i sleep off the sleepy meds from the doc. and life goes on. thing is? this time - i just have a strange feeling about the whole thing. one like i've not had before. i feel like i will have a lot of pain afterwards. i hope it's just a worry, or a normal thing. maybe it's because i am at the level of pain that i am at right now. getting better due to a few shots seems unreachable as a quick fix. i don't know why i feel like it isn't gonna work, or that it may back-fire is beyond me. but the thought hasn't left my mind since i got this scheduled. in the last few months i have learned to live my life as it is .. deal with the pain, and do the best that i can, when i can. weird thing is -- since i scheduled the shots? either the pain has gotten worse , or i fell back into the old habits, and gave into it again. either way - i'm not liking the results. and i can only hope that this round will relieve some if not a lot of this pain, and i can get back to where i was. or better.
i know you each have your own stuff goin on in your worlds - i hope it's gettin handled -- don't let it handle YOU !
i gotta go get shot up :))
i'll check in later -- when i wake up -- or sober up -- whichever comes first
things here? well, hard to say. but i'm ready to leave and had a few minutes to spare and figgered i'd spend em with y'all. i know my thoughts and words have been a total mess here lately, but hey, gimmee some credit for at least tryin to stay in touch eh? anyhow what am i ready for? to go get shot to hell. that's what. yeh. i think i mentioned it a few days ago. i have to go get more steroid shots today. i have been needin them for several months , but putting em off due to lack of funds. the pain has gotten to a level that i just can't stand anymore. i did a little robbing from peter to pay paul and made it happen. so i go in this morning - like in about 20 minutes to get the procedure done. i've had these injections before - just not this many . this time there will be four - in three areas. two in my neck - two in my spine. like i said before - i don't fear the shots -- i'm asleep when they do them. i don't feel anything. afterwards i wake up within 30 , minutes. then i leave. my hubby drives me and picks me up - he always has me a fresh cup of coffee - cuz i can't have anything (fast) before the procedure. so you know i'm ready to kill someone and have a bad headache by then. anyhow - we go home - i sleep off the sleepy meds from the doc. and life goes on. thing is? this time - i just have a strange feeling about the whole thing. one like i've not had before. i feel like i will have a lot of pain afterwards. i hope it's just a worry, or a normal thing. maybe it's because i am at the level of pain that i am at right now. getting better due to a few shots seems unreachable as a quick fix. i don't know why i feel like it isn't gonna work, or that it may back-fire is beyond me. but the thought hasn't left my mind since i got this scheduled. in the last few months i have learned to live my life as it is .. deal with the pain, and do the best that i can, when i can. weird thing is -- since i scheduled the shots? either the pain has gotten worse , or i fell back into the old habits, and gave into it again. either way - i'm not liking the results. and i can only hope that this round will relieve some if not a lot of this pain, and i can get back to where i was. or better.
i know you each have your own stuff goin on in your worlds - i hope it's gettin handled -- don't let it handle YOU !
i gotta go get shot up :))
i'll check in later -- when i wake up -- or sober up -- whichever comes first
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
well hell - now ith part 2 (@1050 pm)
have i not had enough to deal with in the last week or two already? yeh, it's not been all bad. i know that. in fact, i can't even say that it's been 'bad'. just nerve wracking. nearly every single day, it's been 'somethin'. and yup, not every somethin is about me. but it does affect me. i'm not a robot. i've been trying to not be so 'revealing' on my blog since i kinda got back to posting more often. not sure how that's going. or if it's better or worse for you. hell, i don't really even know how many are readin here. i know of the few who leave comments -- you know i love the comments. sorry i haven't been answerin for a while - as i said - hectic in soul land lately. i'll get back on track. eventually :((
well. looks like you get a break already -- soulkid just brought some lunch home -- i can't figure out how to save this for later -- yup i forgot -- so guess i'll post it and get back to it later.
hope y'all have good afternoons - catchya tonight i reckon -
'chow' :))
---------- hello again ---
yeh, i know - took me a while to get back. sorry. i never really found anything new to add . well. i sort of had something ore to say when i left, just not a way to say it. now, after a kinda lethargic feeling day, including a two hour nap, and a lot of TV . i decided i'd just let this topic go. it's too soon to be bringin it up anyways. i don't even know why i'm thinkin about it. i'll get to it when i get to it.
so, what i am close to - and gettin to right now is bed time. and my bed. so all i have to say at this time is goodnight -
or even good morning - if your just wakin up or comin in with your coffee. wish this was a better post. i know it sucks and i should just file it in the round - file.. but it's already here , and that would take effort.
so. off i go --- til next i write -
til then - sweet dreams -
-- speakin of dreams ? never take heavy pain meds at bed time. yowza ! crazy dreams the last few days... i skipped pain meds tonight ! i might pay for it - but i bet i'll have better dreams -
well. looks like you get a break already -- soulkid just brought some lunch home -- i can't figure out how to save this for later -- yup i forgot -- so guess i'll post it and get back to it later.
hope y'all have good afternoons - catchya tonight i reckon -
'chow' :))
---------- hello again ---
yeh, i know - took me a while to get back. sorry. i never really found anything new to add . well. i sort of had something ore to say when i left, just not a way to say it. now, after a kinda lethargic feeling day, including a two hour nap, and a lot of TV . i decided i'd just let this topic go. it's too soon to be bringin it up anyways. i don't even know why i'm thinkin about it. i'll get to it when i get to it.
so, what i am close to - and gettin to right now is bed time. and my bed. so all i have to say at this time is goodnight -
or even good morning - if your just wakin up or comin in with your coffee. wish this was a better post. i know it sucks and i should just file it in the round - file.. but it's already here , and that would take effort.
so. off i go --- til next i write -
til then - sweet dreams -
-- speakin of dreams ? never take heavy pain meds at bed time. yowza ! crazy dreams the last few days... i skipped pain meds tonight ! i might pay for it - but i bet i'll have better dreams -
or will i ?
Monday, October 17, 2011
i picked a bad life to quit smoking ~
dontchya think? you know i was gonna say 'day', when it hit me ~ any day, is a bad day to quit smokin'. that's prolly why i never succeed. but .. i am at it once again . in of course , a half assed manner. once again . there is just too much goin on . as always. y'all know me. yall know how my life is.
if things are ever runnin smoothly - it's only for a matter of seconds. then it's chaos again. at best perhaps it might be controlled chaos. if i'm lucky. but we all know i have 'schleprock on my shoulder - and the devil on the other. so anyhow, yeh a couple days ago i randomly decided to put on a nicotine patch and buy a electronic cigarette... along with a pack of smokes - just in case i failed. so of course i couldn't just let perfectly good cigs go to waste in such stressful times - not with so much goin on. Sushi was very ill, hospitalized even. i read my own suicide note ! (from three years back) yeh , honestly - and it was very emotional for me i might add. this month is a very rough time for me - 22 years runnin all in itself - without added crap.. and i have a lot of added crap. this is also - i counted this time - my third year after almost dieing from a blood clot in my lung - know when that happened? close to two weeks after i wrote the 'suicide note'. can you believe that? what a wake up call directly from God. don't you think so? i have to say when i realized that - only a few days ago, i nearly fell out of my chair. i didn't remember writing the 'note'. it was on my computer. not really entitled to be called such a thing... but i can tell that's what it was meant to be. it was full of emotion, and helplessness. defeat. with no where to go . i got sad and felt helpless reading it. it was hard for me to believe that it was me who wrote it -- i sort of wanted to help 'that person'. it was weird.
then - later i realized that it was only two weeks later that i had the blood clot (pulmonary embolism) that could have killed me. but didn't. i was in extreme pain for two days before i saw a doctor for it. apparently i wanted to die, then i should have died, but i didn't die. i can still remember that pain. i still remember fighting to live in the hospital. i still remember how happy i was the day soulman took me home. i even remember getting into the car when we left the hospital. a friend called me right after soulman shut my car door !
all of this is very strange, i know. when i read it all, it seemed strange and distant to me too. even stranger is the fact that a person.. better yet that I, could sort of be shown the true options of life and death in a matter of a couple of weeks. literally . and how i was also shown, that i was feeling so tragically alone with myself - but when the truth was revealed to me while i was sick, my friends and people who loved and cared about me flooded my mailbox, my blog, my email, even my phone - i could hardly speak, and folks called me - just to say they loved me. i was overwhelmed.
the strength i gained from that experience gave me a whole new sense of life and love. it gave me HOPE. enough hope to share with a certain person that many of you still remember struggling a few years back. we both nearly died around that time through a whole different set of circumstances. but the love y'all shared with my entire little family is what brought us though that situation. i hope you can give yourselves the credit you deserve for that. because i don't think i've done it properly. i felt it and i still do. but i don't think i said the right words - or expressed my gratitude in the right way. so many of you in your own unique ways saved the life of each one of us here. only this last few days have i put it all together in an individual way. i guess i wasn't capable of doing that before. or if i did, you know how i am, maybe i forgot. like i said - reading from three years ago really was like the first time. there's so much stuff in these pages it is like reading a strangers blog sometimes -- well, if not for the soul - speak. no one writes like me. :))
y'all gotta know i love ya. if you don't know it - maybe i need to knock some heads around?
i reckon i should shut my self up , before ya run off.
don't be a stranger eh?
be happy in your world tonight -
see ya soon -
soul
if things are ever runnin smoothly - it's only for a matter of seconds. then it's chaos again. at best perhaps it might be controlled chaos. if i'm lucky. but we all know i have 'schleprock on my shoulder - and the devil on the other. so anyhow, yeh a couple days ago i randomly decided to put on a nicotine patch and buy a electronic cigarette... along with a pack of smokes - just in case i failed. so of course i couldn't just let perfectly good cigs go to waste in such stressful times - not with so much goin on. Sushi was very ill, hospitalized even. i read my own suicide note ! (from three years back) yeh , honestly - and it was very emotional for me i might add. this month is a very rough time for me - 22 years runnin all in itself - without added crap.. and i have a lot of added crap. this is also - i counted this time - my third year after almost dieing from a blood clot in my lung - know when that happened? close to two weeks after i wrote the 'suicide note'. can you believe that? what a wake up call directly from God. don't you think so? i have to say when i realized that - only a few days ago, i nearly fell out of my chair. i didn't remember writing the 'note'. it was on my computer. not really entitled to be called such a thing... but i can tell that's what it was meant to be. it was full of emotion, and helplessness. defeat. with no where to go . i got sad and felt helpless reading it. it was hard for me to believe that it was me who wrote it -- i sort of wanted to help 'that person'. it was weird.
then - later i realized that it was only two weeks later that i had the blood clot (pulmonary embolism) that could have killed me. but didn't. i was in extreme pain for two days before i saw a doctor for it. apparently i wanted to die, then i should have died, but i didn't die. i can still remember that pain. i still remember fighting to live in the hospital. i still remember how happy i was the day soulman took me home. i even remember getting into the car when we left the hospital. a friend called me right after soulman shut my car door !
all of this is very strange, i know. when i read it all, it seemed strange and distant to me too. even stranger is the fact that a person.. better yet that I, could sort of be shown the true options of life and death in a matter of a couple of weeks. literally . and how i was also shown, that i was feeling so tragically alone with myself - but when the truth was revealed to me while i was sick, my friends and people who loved and cared about me flooded my mailbox, my blog, my email, even my phone - i could hardly speak, and folks called me - just to say they loved me. i was overwhelmed.
the strength i gained from that experience gave me a whole new sense of life and love. it gave me HOPE. enough hope to share with a certain person that many of you still remember struggling a few years back. we both nearly died around that time through a whole different set of circumstances. but the love y'all shared with my entire little family is what brought us though that situation. i hope you can give yourselves the credit you deserve for that. because i don't think i've done it properly. i felt it and i still do. but i don't think i said the right words - or expressed my gratitude in the right way. so many of you in your own unique ways saved the life of each one of us here. only this last few days have i put it all together in an individual way. i guess i wasn't capable of doing that before. or if i did, you know how i am, maybe i forgot. like i said - reading from three years ago really was like the first time. there's so much stuff in these pages it is like reading a strangers blog sometimes -- well, if not for the soul - speak. no one writes like me. :))
y'all gotta know i love ya. if you don't know it - maybe i need to knock some heads around?
i reckon i should shut my self up , before ya run off.
don't be a stranger eh?
be happy in your world tonight -
see ya soon -
soul
Saturday, October 15, 2011
if dogs could read - would they take heed ?
mornin peoples - and peoplettes - how's things in your worlds today? hope this finds y'all in a happy day ...
things in my world are - well, fair to midland i could say . the last few days have been a true roller coaster ride. lots of things goin on. actually i spose i could say it's been a real crazy week. i reckon i'll start with the most recent and work my way backwards. the main, and the most worrisome happinin lately is our youngster, 'Sushi'. most of you know she is our pup, the miniature pinscher.
sushi- in her bee suit - 2010?
well, our poor lil sushi had to go to the doggy doc yesterday. she had been very sick for a couple of days. she had been puking BLACK for two days. ALOT. twice ON my bed! yup went thru two bedspreads ! in a matter of minutes.. i ended up havin to break out my grammas hand sewn quilt - that i have never had on a bed. ever. luckily - it went unscathed - cuz we decided to crate the poor baby overnight. these things happened near bedtime - but the puking had been goin on for a couple hours.
the next day she 'seemed' to be better .. but still vomiting some, but less - and not 'herself'. - (we keep the dog dishes in the back of the house in the laundry room so i wasn't sure if she had been eating or drinking -- i assumed she was. ) - so that night we left her out of her crate. she sleeps in our bed - so yesterday morning i woke up with her dry heaving on my bed. and it sounded bad -- hard and painful. i put her outside asap. i didn't watch her - but i'm sure she got sick. a few minutes later after she came back in.. she puked in my bedroom. this time it was only a little bit - and was obvious she hadn't been eating.. it was only stomach acid.. greenish/yellow. that's when i made an appointment with the vet. it wasn't gonna be til three hours later. in that time - i i planned to get bills paid and do biness stuff. (payday= bill day) . i hadn't been in my office for a few days - where my desk-top puter and bills etc are ...
that's when i found the culprit on the office floor moments after i set the appointment. you won't believe what it was --- a package of 'desiccant' ! yep the stuff that comes in shoe boxes and such that says 'Do Not Eat - 1000 times all over it. welp , it was empty - she ate it. and poor baby. she who eats ALL would eat nothing last night.
desiccant + Sushi = a very sick puppy
she is in a lot of pain. she cried and whimpered at only the slight touch of a stethoscope!
in the beginning of the exam - and the extent of her pain.. and the area of it ... the things the vet said -- ooh , i was terrified at what the outcome might be. her pain was so severe -- and in the area of her liver, pancreas, upper gastro/stomach, and other vital organs - i almost collapsed at the possibilities of 'losing ' her.
i agreed to extensive lab work , stool sample / for blood, x-rays- for an obstruction, and other tests. they don't do IV's on dogs her size - they somehow do a fluid injection into her back. which caused a fluid sac to form in her chest! it made her pain unbearable for her! her legs shook when she stood or walked. she cried at the slightest touch . it was so awful for her - that i almost couldn't stand it myself !
she had to stay at the vet for about five hours .. i couldn't stop worrying the whole time.
the good news is -- her labs were great! (aside from excess fat :)) , but that was no surprise.. the lil piglet weighs 22 pounds!.. someone needs to go on a diet methinks . her vital organs are wonderful. no surgery- or imminent death. that was a huge relief. because i was certainly preparing myself for the worst. you know she is my tick. we are attached at the hip. when i am home and not movin around she is in the chair right next to me! always. i was sooo upset all day. after she got home i tried to feed her- everything i could think of. that would be light on her tummy. she wouldn't eat a thing. very unlike her - she eats anything anytime.
PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE --- KEEP THAT DESICCANT SHIT OUT OF REACH OF ANIMALS AND CHILDREN !
good lawd -- wanna know what it cost us to save her ass? 569.00 !!!! thank God it was payday !!! (AND we actually were lucky enough to get a tax refund this year -- guess when it hit the bank? yup, yesterday. there is a little luck in my world :)) - between the vet , and new tires on soulkids car? we only missed under 100.00 bucks .. woot)
i reckon this is a long enough post for one day -- but i do have somethin for a special friend of mine -- you know who you are -- LOOK what i saw at the store the other day -- watch your mail LBF -- i just may get a wild hair some day :))
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