are you ready to ruuuuuummmmbble!!!!???

howdy folks--- how it be peoples?
here? welp, i am literally down to the wire, and fixin ta hang myself in it !



anybody who's gettin anything in the mail from me-- you already know it-- so-- you also know-- it aint makin it by christmas. sorry. it 'should' make it on a truck or plane by this afternoon. but that , my friends, is the best i could do.
if the stupid folks i ordered from woulda got it to me when they were sposed to--- it might have made it-- well except the stuff to london. it mighta made it. but there's no tellin when that stuff will get there. but i would be interested to know -- smocha-- so tell me when ya get it. k.



i also have a few 'small ' gifts for a few other folks.... 4 to be exact. unfortunately-- my own laziness-- ok-- can i use my week long cold as the excuse for that one?? can't i? there's 4 of y'all that would have gotten at least a little gift-- but , they were 'perishable'. and in the fridge. and, even tho-- they are still there... unopened.... i don't think another-- 4 days in the mail will do them any good at all. so please , accept our apologies, and know that you were thought of. and know that one will go to the neighbor family, who's ole guy died, and the rest i will donate along with a turkey and a few other stuffs to the church-- in time for christmas. (this time - soulkid asked to do that-- i think it's awesome-- she is getttin to be such a great kid).
ehem... on occasion of course :)) she's still one of those 'things' we call teen-agers.
--- i wonder if they call em 'agers' cuz they add so many years to their parents? i swear i find more gray in my hair by the DAY.

ok to change the subject-
i came across this video:
it is soooooo CUTE!
i couldn't resist but to share it.

of course it is digitally altered- i watched how they made it
but i didn't wanna spoil the fun by showin ya how they did it. :))

this one is just some skaters i came across-- but i wanted you to see how much funnier
this type of thing can be when it's someone that you know-
like the one below this one.




i can't say who exactly this is-- the name is not real-- obviously---- but we do know this kid-- and he is just as funnny as he looks :))
ps-- apparently this injury didn't affect "anything" permanently. :))




can y'all tell i have nuthin to say?
all i gotta say is i am soooo out of time to do anything i can't stand it.
i did pretty much complete my to-do list the other day. well all except mail my stuff-- cuz i got to the post office too late. and what else? oh.. my cleaning-- ha! does that surprise you? i thought not. soulman cleaned the kitchen - bless his heart.
but -- that still leaves tons for me to do over the next day or two.
ugh-- i need a maid. anybody think the VA would pay for me a maid-- umm, 'domestic help' for my disability? i outta look into that.
but-- until then.. i still have to make this place presentable-- and make room in my office to open presents. erg. y'all oughtta see this place. not really. i'd be embarrassed if you did. it is clutter city, usa. ugh.
i don't even know how it happened. i blinked i spose. my office is usually the cleanest room in the house. even it is a disaster area now.
somebody haelP me.

and nooooo - not my house-
hijacked from the 'hoarders' website.
that tv show is downright sad , and disgusting.
but that pic is what i FEEL like.
even tho i'm no where close to that.

so anyhow, folks, i must get my day started--
hope you all are happy today--
hope you get all your stuff 'to do' done, and can relax over the next few days-

catchya latah-----

i don't know where to begin

does that surprise you?
not me.
i never really do 'know' where to begin, i usually just start writing, and if i'm lucky-- something usually turns into an ok post by the time i'm done rambling.

so. if you're ready for a mystery carpet ride-- let's roll. shall we?



i'm not sure when you stumbled in, but for me? it's , at this moment in time, 4:39 a.m.
i wish i could say i just got up. but nope. i been up since 12:45 a.m. just one-a-those things. pain. nothin new. but it sure is gettin to be more frequent. i used to wake up too early for other reasons.. like nightmares, or just plane ole insomnia. the past few months... i wake up in the grips of pain. sometimes i just reach for a pill, and occasionally am able to go back to sleep. but i recently decided (or remembered) that is not the brightest of ideas for me to keep pain, or sleep meds near my bed at night. i never used to.
that was actually one of the few lasting lessons that my mother taught me. even way back before i even took any long term meds, hell i was only like 12 or 14. but she mentioned somethin nonchalantly kinda, aboout how dangerous it can be to leave 'strong meds' near your bed at night. because you could wake up and take one-- then repeat, without realizing it. or take too many without knowing it.
so yeh, when i did begin to take strong meds... that 'voice' went in my head, and told me not to leave my meds by my bed.


and ya know-- that's prolly a bit of advice that has proly done me more than a little bit of good over the years.


so--- what am i gettin at-- if i didn't already say it? bleh. i woke up at like 12:30-12:45 - ish, soulman wasn't in bed yet-- i heard soulkid out here, and my back was frekin killin me. i got up to take a pain pill, and when i came out here, soulkid wanted to talk-- so i did. then soulman, came in (the office) and talked with us a while. next thing i knew--
i had coffee (cuz it helps with the pain meds to ease my pain at times)and the family soon went to bed. and here i was, wide awake -- most likely for the day. if not the better part of it.



so anyhow. anyone wonderin what i've been doin for the last almost four hours?
i'm not sure i could tell ya. i made my list for the day-- well, at least for my outside stuff.. like bank- post office- pharmacy- store- that kinda stuff. then i have to come home and clean... every-thing. the entire house looks like hell ran thru. since when did my to do list become an extreme sport!?





and audrey is coming tomorrow (sunday- not saturday) - to stay for christmas etc. this place looks like crap. not to mention not havin any food in the place-- well, i guess i could say little food-- cuz i did get some the other day on base.



what else have i been doin? ummm, not much. chain smokin of course. lookin at stuff i need to finish wrapping so i can get it ready to mail when the post office opens.
i did a lot of my shoppin online this year. i gotta tell ya-- i am highly disappointed in what i ended up with. i only did this once before-- and that was 2 or 3 years ago-- cuz my body and mind weren't cooperating. i shoulda learned from that time. did i? oh hell no. folks still do it-- and talk of the time and money they save... so i figured that week i was sick, i would get some things out of the way by shoppin online. i will NEVER do it again. even tho i didn't pay dollar store prices--- i swear i bet i might have found better gifts at the dollar store. so anyone who gets a gift they don't like? i really am sorry. picture it in your mind 50 percent bigger, better, faster, stronger-- and that is what it was sposed to be. and never tell me again how great YOUR online shopping experiences are-- cuz i am not that lucky. i get robbed every time.
but-- like i said-- the stuff will be mailed from here-- due to shipping not bein split -- today -- saturday... when and if i get UP and OUTTA heah. hopefully early. i am not lookin forward to crowds of today. y'all know i do not like people. or crowds, or noise.
i am agoraphobic in every sense of the word. i really wish i never had to leave my house or face people. i can't like it-- at all.

i need about four of these to 'haul stuff'

and, for those who don't know-- nope -- i haven't always been this way. i used to be shy-- but still-- i was spontaneous, outgoing, and friendly... and FUN!!!
now? i'd be happier in a cave off a deserted island -- as long as it was warm... and i had a monkey-- or 'something' to talk to. not so much a people tho.




so-- have i rambled enough yet?
i bet i forgot something i was plannin on tellin ya. something maybe more positive?
uplifting?

i could tell ya this much--- i have been really enjoying the company of soulkid lately.
if y'all remember-- a year or two ago-- we barely spoke to each other. hell we barely LOOKED at each other.
thanks to every single one of you who prayed for her-- and for me and soulman too.
some of you may even have been lurkers that i still don't even know about-- but i know-- lurkers pray for peeps too-- we all know that, right?

so thanks folks. your prayers saved my daughter, and our family. don't stop now. k?




and ehem-- donna --- why you thankin me, in the below post?
i must say-- we -- the soul-clan-- thank YOU too !

and all the other active duty--and vets -- who did and do their part -- for all of us in this country- and others.

and ya know what? a special thanks to those who want to serve and have reasons beyond their control, that won't allow them to join.
(my brother would have gave his right arm to be in the ARMY. his 'problems" wouldn't allow that. and it broke his heart, almost all of his adult life for it.)

ok-- shuttin my mouth--umm fingers now.

happy -- oh so close to christmas --- today in your worlds---
get up--and get er done peeps-

winter break - vs. - Christmas vacation? WTH

hiya peeps-- how goes it?

here? well, i was just sittin here, doin my morning ritual of the ole "smoke-n-choke". when it occurred to me, that today is the last day of school before "Christmas vacation". that's what it has been to me all of my life, and i imagine that is what i will always call it. of course-- our delightful spirit filled government-- hence, the public school system -- has over the years, come to prefer the term "winter break".

well. howdaya like them apples?
personally? i don't like it at all.
i don't like what this country has been doing, or is doing to 'our kids' for the last prolly 20 years, as a matter of fact.
they say 'this is a democracy'. here in the good ole US of A.
well, correct me if i'm wrong: but i don't remember any votes to remove God or prayer or patriotism from school... or even the word Christmas!

-- but , well, bad me--- i really haven't , and don't really keep up on politics too much. i'm gettin a little better, but that didn't really even begin until Bush (JR) was elected. so yeh, i feel a little guilty to sit and bitch.
but ya know what else?
i also feel that my time in the military -- and the part of 'me' that i gave them, physically, emotionally, and even mentally-- that i won't get back-- plus the pride and patriotism that i gave willingly and still feel.. is worth something. a partial right to bitch? if nothin else.
so. allow me to continue.

winter break?
what kinda shit is that?

winter program?
why have a Christmas program -- if they won't let the word Christ-mas -- even be used in it?

and patriotism... kids these days-- they have NONE. they mumble through the pledge of allegiance-- only because they're told to all their life. they don't even know why they do it. or what it means. to them, or anyone else.

you are prolly wonderin where the hell this little rant even came from aren't ya?
well, i'll tell ya.

i told y'all that soulkid and i had some business to take care of yesterday- right?
well... part of that was - to go to the reserve base out here, and get ID cards-- afterwards -- to go to the commissary, and the exchange-BX for those of you who know it as that.
(well, just so ya know-- i didn't even know until a couple weeks ago that i , as a disabled vet had these rights to use these services... i have to tell ya i was thrilled-- you wouldn't believe the money we saved at the stores over there. i feel blessed- that's for sure.
anyhow-- back to my story.
soulkid FINALLY - after literally years, of trying to get her to understand what the military is all about, and what these people do, and sacrifice for her- and this country--- she FINALLY saw it in action, and she felt the pride i have been trying to get her to just feel a tiny bit of, for years.
the soldier that did our ID cards was a marine. she kept saying yeh, when he would ask her questions. finally i began correcting her-- i said 'yes' would be the answer. he wasn't an officer, so i didn't expect her to call him 'sir', but she added that on her own.
later-- i told her-- cuz she kept forgetting-- saying yeh, etc, i said -- he's probably been in combat, just to keep YOU safe"
he said "i have"
he was a young man, maybe not quite thirty.
you could see her pride for him just in her body language. she sat up taller, not one more yeh, and she thanked him.

after we got our id cards we drove onto the base, she saw barracks, and airplanes and helicopters etc... both me and her dad were in aviation while on active duty. she asked me to point out which planes and helos we worked on.

she never ever showed interest- or asked questions before yesterday.
i was proud of her to finally take notice of what our service men and women actually do-- and to be interested enough to ask questions about their lifestyle-- here-- and "over there"

as far as school goes--- they don't teach these kids to love God or their country-- and that is a terrible shame. it's sad even.

soulkid texted a male friend of hers while we ate lunch on the base-- talking of things she was excited about...
his response?
"i would rather work at mcdonalds , than be a marine.'

i told her-- tell him i am bursting with pride over his patriotism.
sarcastically of course.

anyhow--
i don't know if that makes sense or not-- i think i'm just rambling.. it's gettin late and i gotta get the kid to school in a few-

just needed to rant a little on how much is being forgotton, just because of 'church and state" bs.

our kids are actually hungry to know God, and Patriotism...
without it in our schools, it is up to us as parents to guide them.
don't forget-- they are our future.
our high school kids now?
our confused about God, non trusting in our government- not understanding patriotism, kids--
if they don't learn to understand now-- and really feel it in their lives?

this whole world is gonna go straight to hell quicker than we even think it is goin now.

so-- on that happy note-
i have to go-

happy fridayyyyyy peoples

who knew? not i

howdy peoples --


can y'all believe that? i wish i coulda found a bigger picture. not only for a better view, but also for a design idea for soulman to build such a contraption.

i betya wonder why in the world he/we would want to , right?
well, ya see.... once upon a time, soulkid was a bike ridin fool. she was 5 years old, had her first bike, loved to ride. the training wheels came off, and one day, her and soulman got a little risky, and decided to go a bit too fast for a new rider.
obviously you can guess what happened, right? yep--- she crashed and burned. bad.
luckily she had a helmet on, but the rest of her didn't fare too well. nothing broken, but she got the fear put into her. so much so-- she's never been back on a bike since !!!
well, not until a few weeks ago. a month or two actually. but she decided to 'try' to ride her boyfriends bike at his birthday party-- apparently, that didn't work out too well. another, crash and burn. no injury-- other than bruised pride-- and somehow a broken bike chain. needless to say-- she was mortified. vowing to simply never learn to ride a bike.
well, until her and her dad had their road trip a few weeks ago, to Austin. they cruised thru the college campus out there... one of soulkids top choices of schools to attend. she saw a bunch of 'kids' riding bikes. to and from classes, around town, etc.
(i didn't know about any of this til last night when she and i were gettin food at sonic- and were chatting). so anyhow-- she is talkin about how important it is to her 'now' to learn to ride a bike. even tho-- we have tried to get her to learn for years-- she found it easier to just avoid it-- rather than face her fear and deal with it.
i told her i have no problem at all buying you a bike, i would love for you to learn.
BUT-- she started talkin about 'training wheels!" i kid you not! i tried so hard not to laugh at the poor kid. but c'mon folks. she's almost 16 years old. that's just not a good image in my mind. i 'see' people teasing her-- or at minimum, thinking she has a 'problem'.
finally, i couldn't hold it in anymore. i had to tell her--- "they're gonna laugh at you"
ugh. not an easy thing to do 'to' your kid.
i told her , just bite the bullet and do it.
she's afraid. what can i do?


she starts drivers ed. in like two weeks, and the poor girl is afraid to get on a bike.
i was BMX qualified at 10 years old. of course- i wasn't allowed to follow my dreams when i was a kid. but i was damn good on a bike-- and so was her dad. i thought that stuff was inherited. guess not.

so. hmmmm. what to do? what to do?

what's next?

HAPPY SWEET 16 SOULKID!

yeh i thought not.
how do ya throw a kid outta the pan and into the fire?
she actually does know how to drive , and does ok... just not in traffic---yet.

this bike thing, has me concerned tho.
haelp.

surely there's someone out there who was a late bloomer.
or not.
back in 'our day' i lived on my bike.

at least she has the want to --
finally

oh hell, i don't know-- just thought i'd throw that out there- just want some ideas. or not. maybe i just didn't have anything else to say.

so, anyhow-- have great days out there folks--
me and the kid have some business to do-- so we'll just be hangin out and runnin errands and such today-- prolly freezin. :((
i have to pump gas too. the only thing i hate worse than pumpin gas?
is doin it when it's cold or windy -- or both. ugh.

and would you believe in texas ya have to be 16 to pump gas ????
WTH? my mom was slavin us to pump her gas by SIX!!!

anyhow-- again---
happy thursday -----

and thanks to all who've sent us cards--- it's so awesome !
we even got one 'special made' "to the soul-clan" haha we all thought that was pretty special. ummmm.... mary. but i didn't say nuthin.

cept i wish i could get my scanner to work so i could show it to y'all. it's cute!

alrighty then. i must wake my child and hit the road soon.

busy day -- but here i am -- miss you

hope it was a good one --

laterz peeps-

Merry-nating in my misery

howdy folks-
been a couple days - howaya?

brenda made the comment that we are alike on some days, because she 'mildews'. i found that funny, because one of my lines is that' i'm marinating in my misery".




i don't know, just made me chuckle.
you all did, with your comments below.
i really do know i can be immature and bratty at times. but i guess my 'old timers' know that pretty well by now. and looky -- y'all still put up with it. so i reckon, it maybe irritates you less than it does me. even if only by a little bit.

my mind is like a sponge for (life-long) memories at this time of year ya know. and anything new that happens that hits my sad button, well, it makes everything seem worse.
not that anything is even actually bad at all. for now. it's all in my head-- all the past bad things, bad times, loss, memories, that kind of thing. if only i could put the past away and learn how to live in today i would have a wonderful life, i really would. i really actually, DO.




so, what messed it up this time. well.. y'all know about the 9th. right. if ya don't, that's cuz ya missed a few posts. and i aint goin over it again. so back - track about 5 or 6 or so posts and you may find it.
anyhow-- surprisingly - ON the 9th, and 10th i had some exceptionally bad days. and i allowed myself to stay in the pit of them for a few more. hell, i was sick, i had a good excuse. i really did feel crappy, so did everyone else. it was easy to not get UP.
so i didn't.

well, until, sunday. that's when i actually did motivate - somewhat , and finished up my shopping. well, for the most-part. i never really finish til the last minute- there's this or that i see here or there that i just have to get while i'm out. ya know?
anyhow. yeh on sunday...it didn't devastate me, but it sure did take the wind outta my sales for a while. i had a couple cards and mail that came here for the old folks who lived here before. we bought the house from them, and the old lady moved next door with her grand-daughter and her family- while the old man moved in with his son-- as they built their new house-- which was to be finished within days of today. days.
well several days ago, a flower delivery guy had come over, and i just told him to take em next door. after he left me and soulman looked at each other-- and at the same time-- just having 'that look' he said 'wow, i hope nuthin bad happened'. i told him i was thinkin the same thing, and then 'why do we think so negative all the time'.

so. back to sunday. i took the mail over. i also asked (the grand-daughter) - this being the first time she and i had even spoken to each other. up until then, i had thought she was her daughter. but anyhow, i have spoken to the old lady several times. i didn't quite know how to bring it up so i just asked--
did you get the flowers the other day?'
she said ,'oh yes, thanks.'
i asked
' it wasn't for anything bad, was it?"
and she stepped out of her door at that moment- and said almost in a whisper-
"paw-paw died."
it was so strange. i had only talked to him a few times. he was somethin else too. skinny ole guy, wearin ole denim overalls. friendly guy. these folks had been married for-ever. their house was almost built. his design, his hands.
it wasn't sposed to be like this.
she said he was just playin with the kids on thanksgiving, playin football-- nothin major- the kids are small... no one expected a thing.
he just got sick.
apparently his colon busted. maybe they didn't catch it in time??/
who knows?
but yeh. he got extremely ill, and it killed him. i assume he got septic? maybe. she wasn't sure, and i sure aint either.
but it was sad.
and of course i am sad for that family. they were soooo close. big family,. like the waltons.
when we moved in there was a path worn to the dirt where they had all walked back and forth between the two homes so many times the grass just wouldn't grow anymore. the grass is grown over the path now, paw paw is gone now, maw maw is gonna move into her new house soon- alone.
it's not a happy ending. and i can't like it.




i saw my shrink yesterday and told her what's been goin on lately, what's on my mind etc. she said it's all 'normal' stuff.
so i reckon that's a good thing, to have human emotions, and not have to worry about cracking up.

so i reckon i'll just roll with it-- if y'all can deal with it- that makes it all the better.



oh, one more thing-- for any of you folks who got cards from me-- i am NOT Stacey :))
that would be soulMAN

brenda would be my "name" -- i do like soul better tho-
but Donna- it's ok for you to call me brenda. only you tho :))

hoping you all have happy days today in your worlds ---
i think i'll just be lazy in mine (again)
:))

sunday slothnessness

really folks, i mean it.

i know i'm a cry baby , and i always admit it when i act that way. i do apologize for my post yesterday. well, at least the parts that i acted like a two year old.
basically, i spose if it were to be broken down into two year old speak... it would sound like this:
"if you don't play with me, i'll throw rocks at you".

and, i guess that doesn't sound like a person my age , does it?
so yeh,

i really am sorry.
especially for threatening to not play anymore.
bleh.

y'all know i've not been feeling well, and also that this is just a really shitty time of year for me. i think the two combined; have made it easy for me to stay glued to my couch, for the better part of the last week. soulkid not going to school the last few days has made it that much easier. i don't think i have put clothes on-- by that i mean changed out of jammies -- not that i been nekkid-- ugh.... anyhow-- i have been in jammies for like four days-- maybe five. ever since i got back from the dr the other day--- i haven't got dressed, or left my house-- or done ANYTHING.
i did my cards-- which hubby took to the post office to mail. i've paid bills-- online.
cleaning? ha! nope... nada. me and soulkid would be starving if not for soulman cooking, and or bringing food home on his way home from work.

it's ridiculous, i know that.
and after re-reading yesterdays post--- i know i MUST DO something about it.
i have obviously let myself slip into that black hole; the one i really tried to avoid.
it sucked me right in. and subconsciously too. it hit me on the 9th. i had a bad anxiety/panic attack on the 10th. up until yesterday i have hardly spoken to anybody-- obviously i mean the family-- seein as i haven't been anywhere.
then yesterday i had big plans to do shopping, and errands and stuff.
i didn't get dressed. i didn't even get UP.
know what i did do?
i watched TV in my office with soulkid the ENTIRE day.


i'm not complaining about that part. we actually needed the time together. i have her hooked on 'law and order SVU' and there was a marathon on tv yesterday-- we sat here and watched it for hours. from like maybe 10 a.m til 9 or 10 p.m. isn't that wild?
again, if not for soulman feeding us-- we maybe wouldn't have ate. ugh.
but--- i swear yesterday was THE most time i have spent with my daughter one on one in an extremely long time. i couldn't even count the times she told me she was enjoying the day, and time with me.
and i enjoyed the time with her-- even though i felt really bad that i have been SO UN-productive lately.
we really did need that time together. and it was good.
but-- in so doing, guess who was left spending the day 'alone'? yep-- soulman. poor guy. i felt really bad about that. but i was torn.
today the two of them are going christmas shopping together-- so they will have their time together--- i am gonna go shop and stuff by myself. i like that better anyhow-- cuz when i run out of gas-- i don't have to worry about rushin anyone.
as for me and soulman, yep-- we do need some time together--
funny thing?
soulkid asked the other day --
"what are we doin for new years eve"?
i said --
'well, that might depend on what YOU'RE doin on NYE, YOU may have a hot date"
she just gave me a funny look--
so i said-- you know what it means for me and dad if you have a date , don't you?
she was like
"don't tell me, i don't wanna know!!!!!"
i was laughin by then, and said-
'what? just means that WE might, for the first time in 15 years have a hot date ourselves" :))

she pouty faced at me-- she really is big on tradition-- and every year of her life the three of us have been together-- and toasted at midnight in our crystal wedding glasses. (always brought out only for holidays, and anniversaries)
it means a lot to all of us.
i think it made her a little sad to realize, that it might be coming to an end now that she is of 'dating' age. the only changes that have been made to this tradition is that the last few years, some , she has had a friend over .
for her to think that this one -- or maybe the next one-- she may not be here with us- i think it hit a nerve.
so-- i have a feelin she will be here with us-- and if she does have a 'date' -- he will just have to deal with bein with a couple of old folks at midnight.
what? we have four glasses.
:))

so.
i am out of stuff to say.
but i spose that's a good thing eh? i know i talk to much sometimes.
so, i shall go now. and HOPEFULLY manage to make myself presentable to the world and others, and make my appearance to the outside of my house today.


i shall see ya round-- and yes i know i'm not the most important blogger in town, and y'all are busy. i'll take my 40 lashes with a wet noodle, and let's be on our way. k?

hope you all have happy days out there folks

oh the weather outside is frightful, but the cigs i need ; delightful

hiya peoples-

welp, there aint much happenin in this world of mine lately. as you can see by my last few posts. not sure why i've even bothered to write really. just somethin to do i spose.

anyhow-- soulkid is home again today- still sickly, and i don't think it's fare to share that gift that keeps on giving.

as for me? still feelin zapped a bit - but i really must get out today and get some things done. that is something i could once again very easily talk myself out of. because once again.. it's freakin freezin outside ---



not as bad as yesterday. thank God. i woke up to 39 degrees. i haven't heard what the 'high' is sposed to be. but i don't think it even hit the mornings low of today yesterday . so hopefully i won't die when i go out today.
but, regardless, there's no gettin out of hittin the street today. why, you ask? cuz i am about to run out of cigs.
yes. i am aware that they'll kill me someday. and of course i was scolded every time i lit one yesterday. soulkid hates it when i smoke -- especially when i'm sick. many times , as y'all know -- a simple cough can turn to bronchitis with me -- cuz i smoke like a damn train. she even tattle taled on me when soulman got home from work. and then of course, i got 'the look'. ugh. why must i always feel like a kid in trouble??

but anyhow. y'all know i cannot be without cigs. i get down to like three cigs and i feel like i'm watching somebody die or something. talk about a fear of abandonment eh? or fear of loss. i don't know. i just can't run out of cigs. or money. or shampoo. or milk. or almost anything. gas. even dog food or cat litter, makes me panic!
i just can't be without. anything!
"it makes my blood pressure go up!"
:))

so anyhow-- i guess i shall go -

have happy fridays - and better weekends-
hope y'all are warm and safe-
take care
latah peeps

we all got sick at the movies :(( AGAIN

howdy folks--

oooh -- it's the snot fairy !!
how sexay !!!
you know you want him!
:))

yep, we sure did. again. sometimes it's just me who gets sick easy. i'll pick up a bug here or there, and if i'm lucky it goes away in a day or two. this time? well. not so lucky. and surprisingly? rather than hit me first, or go in order of size -- as usual. it hit soulman first. hard and fast. the very next day after the movie (brothers) - then it got me the next day -- not as bad as him, just enough to piss me off, and hang around. this morning? soulkid has it. it started with her last night. she got up this morning, hardly able to breathe through the snot.
yeh. it's mainly a head a cold and cough thing. but it's one of those ones that seems to steal your energy too.
so. she is home today from school. soulman missed a day of work with it too. on tuesday. aint it great? yeh, i know. NOT.
and y'all know i've mentioned it before--- i know better than to go to the theater during cold and flu season. why do i do this to 'us'? bleh.

even trying to hide from the sickly germs-- hasn't helped.
just the timing of the start of the whole thing-
places the number one germ at the theater.
perfect.
back to dvd's and videos for a while i reckon.

so anyhow-- the rundown on the test yesterday-- i have never felt more free than the moment that belt came off !!!
it was soooo uncomfortable-- alllll day. i literally couldn't move , or comfortably breathe.

(i won't have any results for about a week or so.)

my sister called me, and we talked for quite a while-- we prolly woulda talked longer but the call got dropped. but just talking was difficult for me with that thing on me.

i can't believe i used to suck my gut in like that on purpose ---- back in the day of trying to appear skinny (er). haha. that's the one good thing about being married. skinny - fat -- nobody cares. even soulkid just says --
"your old - who cares "
when i speak of my future moo-moo
hahaha


so anyhow-- plans for today? IF i manage to get my sick and lazy self dressed i have stuff i need to go do--- but it is sooooo cold outside i DON"T wanna even think about goin. in fact i was almost happy that i didn't have to take soulkid to school this morning--- in 22 degrees! NOT happy she's sick... just that i didn't have to go outside.
but, the weather guy-- who is almost never right-- said it is sposed to hit 40- sumthin this afternoon. if and when that happens-- i just may be able to sacrifice myself to my errands. i'll let ya know how that goes.
ha-- yeh right. y'all know i'm not leavin my house til it gets above 60 again. dontchya.

i absolutely hate cold. i hate it as much as a teething baby with a poopy diaper hates the fact that they can't cuss out their mother.

ha-

hope y'all have warm and happy days today--

i need to go talk myself into goin out -- i really need to-- but like they say-- wish in one hand . . .

latah peeps

coffee makes me happy - sucking my gut in all day , does not

hiya folks-- happy humpday to ya--

i want everyone to tell me about your food over the last couple days ok? cuz as you know- if you have read the last post or two --- i am F'N stahvin ! i have eaten only a few little pre made - store bought jello cups -- since monday night. as for today? i wasn't even allowed to have my coffee---- or my pain meds until 10 a.m. torture. torture i say.
BUT--- as i write this-- my coffee -- or lack of-- headache is now gone, and my back and other pain is now on the mend, as i sit here drinking my delicious coffeeeeeeeee. with which, i took my meds. ahhhh. see what i mean? easy to please. still no food, (til noon- and even then, only soup) - but i'm just happy as a clam. :)) (who even knows if clams are happy? they're FOOD. hmmm.

anyhow, speakin of a clam.... that is about how i could describe my waist right about now. i knew i would be wearing a monitor around my waist --- i had no idea that it would be as tight as it is. OMG, no kidding. even though i am allowed to eat lunch later -- i don't think i will be able to. the belt thing is Velcro-- and i am afraid if i eat--- it will come undone. i can barely move. in fact-- the only time i have moved, was to take the kid to school, and then to get coffee. i also made the bad mistake of takin my shoes off. now i am afraid i wont be able to get them back on. i can't bend that far over to tie them. great huh? i'm gonna end up pickin up soulkid and goin back to the doc this afternoon in my slippers. sexay eh?

so. ya wanna see this thing?
here ya go.

not the greatest pic-- but you get the idea. tough angle for a self taken pic.
anyhow. not much else to report today. i've had a pretty 'to myself' last few days. i hope to get out of that as of today. i hate bein that way. but sometimes it can't be helped. well, maybe it can, and it's just too much work. who knows. but i'm willing to work on it now. even tho i am trapped in my chair for the day today -- this belt thing really is a pain. it's freezin anyhow-- so even if i was more mobile, i would prolly be sittin right here under my blanky like i am anyhow.

i know--- a lot of you are a lot colder than i am, and i feel for ya-- i really do. especially for those of you with pain issues. if you are like me, the cold weather just doubles it. i hope those of you in the bad snow and cold can stay as warm and safe as possible.

i'm thinkin of ya-
happy days to everyone

latah peeps-

mughndane mughnday

hiya peeps-
yep-- monday has befallen us once again. i actually do feel like that cry-baby up there today too. i won't bore you with my whining, but yeh, i'm a crybaby today. sarcastically, and literally. if i knew soulman planned on takin soulkid to school today -- i may have just stayed my ass in bed! but, i didn't know, so i of course got up.
soulman did however have the coffee made. so i do have to give him his kudos for that -- and say that i was happy to have fresh hot coffee waiting for me. i really am easy to please folks. i know it doesn't seem like it at times, - cuz reading the written word-- just doesn't come across the way it is meant to sometimes. but really, i'm so low maintenance, i put 90 percent of other women on this planet to shame.

so. anyhow-- my head is a skillet filled with scrambled eggs at the moment.
yesterdays post; i was trying to be all grateful -- well, i wasn't really trying to .. i just was. there were things i had been noticing in myself, and i just tossed em out there.

today , on the other hand? not feelin quite so "into it". if ya know what i mean.
remember how i said 'i hope it doesn't sneak up on me' (?)
well. i think 'it' kinda did. dammit.
i don't think it's gonna last. this mood i mean. at least i hope it doesn't. i really don't want to feel or be like 'this' for the next three or four weeks. cuz trust me-- that would not be a good thing. yesterday, i didn't even change out of my jammies. and needless to say-- i didn't leave the house either. i literally, did NOTHING. i sat like a zombie. felt like a bitch. hid in my bedroom. took a long nap. stayed to myself.
and i didn't like it. what i didn't like even more? no one seemed to notice. i don't mind about soulkid ya know. she did talk to me etc. here and there. but she had chores, and company etc. but really. i was feeling a little invisible.
i didn't care--- but i noticed.
whatever. right?

so anyhow-- obviously it is a crybaby day-- and i hope it changes. i'm sure it will, i just need to be busy. and trust me , i have tons to do that can keep me busy today. so that won't be a problem.

just one more thing before i let you continue with your day---

i don't remember if i mentioned it or not---- but the belly biopsy thing came back good. i kinda knew it would. i very often have quirky symptoms of all sorts and never find out why. but yeh, that was good. nothin bad to report.

but --- remember the capsule camera thing? i am scheduled for that on wednesday the 9th. perfect day for that. at least it'll keep my mind of of what i mentioned yesterday, right? hopefully.
i'm not worried about it at all. there will be no sedation, and i won't have to drink any of that horrible nasty crap (haha) that they make you drink.
only thing is that tomorrow, i have to be on a strict clear liquid diet. but hell, i would much rather starve than drink that gallon of shit, and poop every ten minutes. OMG that is pure torture. so yep happy i'm not goin that route.


they said i have to wear a 'monitor ' around my waist for like 8-10 hours-- that's the 'camera' that films the pill--- that is soooo wild to me. then it's all done. i take the monitor back--- and NO, they do not want the camera back-- thank God. i was NOT lookin forward to "finding" that for them. ugh.

so-- i'll update you on that as i know more. again, in a way-- i want answers-- but not a serious diagnosis. so i don't know really how i feel about it.

on that happy note--- i'm outta heah-



have happy days in your worlds today-
i shall do my best

sunday spews and movie reviews

howdy peeps

greetings and salutations :))

sorry i haven't been around much lately. life stuff. you know how it is.
i been tryin to 'stay in today' lately. of course, those who know me well, know that i have a hard time doin that. especially this particular time of year.
actually -- i seem to have certain periods of the year that hit me quite hard.. almost like a quarterly thing. christmas of course, is one of those times. well, the holiday season actually.

i may as well spit it out, for those who don't know. "my story" is on here somewhere. maybe more than once. so i won't go into all the details of what happened. if you must know, you can do a search for jacob, and somewhere you will find his story.

so. anyhow-- he was to be 'induced', due to hubby being active duty navy at the time, and us having our -my- OBGYN, over 300 miles away. there's more to that reasoning-- but again.. it's on here somewhere-- long story short-- i swore to never trust another military doc with one of my children... and i didn't.

so-- jacob... my son, his birthday-- in order for hubby to arrange leave etc, and be sure he would be there etc-- would have been dec 9th, 1996.

that birthday never came.
and i/we have never had a 'normal' christmas' since then.

therefore--- i am -- for whatever reason. i don't know why 'now' is the time. but i have just been trying to ride the sane train. be in the spirit of christmas , and not fall into that black pit that seems to catch me every year at this time.

and ya know what y'all? i am doin pretty damn good. so far.
my shopping is very close to done. soulkid is my biggest deal, ya know.. and i am almost finished with hers - woo hoo! just a couple more things and some stocking stuffers.
then i have some things to get for soulman, and audrey, and of course my friends list-- which is usually small and easy. after that i am all done!
AND i finished my cards yesterday-- well i did my cards yesterday. a record breaking year. just cuz i felt like it. i never get as many as i send out-- but i will bet anybody-- this year? i don't get one for every ten i sent.
know what else?
i don't even care.
that isn't what any of this is about. it's about the way that God is allowing me to feel just a bit more free this year. y'all just don't know the weight i feel lifted off of me. i hope it doesn't sneak up on me. it does that sometimes. i just want this to be a happy christmas. it's one of soulkids last few at home as a kid. i just want her to remember it as a good one. ya know? that's all i want for christmas. ok , and a few other things :))

alrighty folks-- enough of the sappy shit--- on to my movie critique of the week.

that is what we went to see last night.

i don't really know what to say about it either. except that yes, it was a good movie. i have no complaints about the story, or the acting, etc. that was all fine and good.

my problem with it was personal. it was so sad. in parts. some places of course got a smile or a laugh. but others just made me want to cry. yes only want to. i never did let go. but most of you know i keep my guard up a lot. but -- if i would have allowed myself? i woulda cried like a baby.

the movie may not be like that for most of you folks-- i'm sure it's just a PTSD thing. i know-- i shouldn't joke about stuff like that. but really--- it had a lot of 'triggers' in it for me. and as for my SISTER -- little tid bit here-- i advise you do NOT watch it.

everyone else? maybe you'll like it-- maybe you won't. i guess it depends on how much trauma you have suffered. bleh. it really is good. and worth watching. but i say wait for the DVD. maybe go see a comedy or a Christmas flick. this is a sad movie. and this isn't the time of year to be watchin sad movies. right?

so anyhow--- y'all go do somethin fun with the families or peeps today-- enjoy the people you love-

see ya round folks

i'm not mean i just have a house full already

Soul Survivor Visitors

are awesome!!

(damn thing changed while i was typing! it was 30,000 ) hmmmm

(and it KEEPS on changin) ERG.

check that out. wouldn't it be freaky if it was 33,300? i wonder if i'll catch it when it hits that number.
i did notice this morning that one of my credit cards has 333 - and some change on it. yeh don't say it. my credit is kick ass aint it? well.. perhaps it would be better if i didn't have my balances so low all the time. ya think? i do have a fair amount of credit on them (the cards) - it's just that , well.. it's all spent, all the time.
i had a responsible moment a year or two ago and had all our cards paid off-- and even frozen. but -- well... like i said -- it was a 'moment'. bleh. i am my mothers daughter. but-- i am happy that some of my fathers responsibility somehow rubbed off on me. :))

so anyhow--- aside from my number popping up today. i also need to put some kitty pix up. someone please help find a home for these freezin little babies. i won't let em in. i won't i won't i won't.





so - please help the babies.
before i have to take all three of em to the pound.
bad things happen at the pound.
{*TEAR*}

see how sweet they are?

oopsy !
wrong pic.
this was taken the other day at the vet.
i was sittin in the car, talkin to soulman on the phone,
before goin in to pick up some 'Frontline' for the babies.
i looked over and saw this giagantoid dawg.
i busted up laughin out loud !!!
he was the funniest , biggest, greatest dog i have seen in years !
i just had to ask if i could take his picture.
the guy said sure.
it took three tries to get this shot.
--- oh but wait -- there's more to this one. --
i wasn't gonna tell y'all about this , cuz i was a bit embarrassed about it.
i've been guessed at a little over my age before. i just blew it off, figure yeh i know,
i aint the healthiest peach in the basket.
BUT get this.
the guy and hooch up there go in the vet before me, but we're still laughin and talkin a little. there's a lady at the counter payin her bill. soon as people inside see this bear of a dog, they bust up laughin too... and the lady payin her bill, says somethin to me about "Your son"... as in MY son!
after i heard your son-- it was like my head went into a bucket. i didn't really hear anything else.
i just said "noooooo!"
then i looked at him, he's sayin "i have two kids"
we're both a bit shocked- insulted? somethin.
i ask him -- i think both of us were just oblivious to the entire room by now.
i ask him - "how old are you"
he say kinda quiet-surprised- "33"
the lady says- "kids are havin em at twelve"-- sort of apologetic or embarrassed.
there i am--- just stunned -- stunned. ugh. "i'da been TEN."
end of conversation.
everyone finished their business and left.
four or five days later and i still feel ancient.
do i look at all like i could have a THIRTY THREE year old child???
be honest. somebody tell me.
then point me to the nearest cliff.
or concrete boot salesman.
:))
i'm kidding.
well, about the boots.
do i look that old?
not that it's old.
but i'm 43.
for a while.
really- i woulda been TEN.
WTH???

ok anyways--
the dog was cute-- and no one could not hold their laughter when they looked at him.
he was awesome!

ok-- back to the kitty babies-

they were born here-- and almost died here.
well except the mamma.
don't know where she came from.
but when we looked at the house they lived in the back yard.
we moved in-- with dogs-- so they moved to the front yard.
skin and bone-- literally. they were starving to death.
we've been feeding them every day since we got here -
sometimes twice. seems the colder it gets - the more they eat.
AND the more they want in.
mamma is their spokesman. she is the one who cries at the door. which is glass.
and of course --- my view when i sit in the office.
every morning -- there she is.
wanting food. wanting IN.
NO.
i said NO!
help them.
one more week they're goin away. i'm tellin ya.
i lose sleep over these damn cats.
i have FOUR of my own.
if you had four kids-- would you adopt three more???
i didn't think so.
i won't do it.
not gonna do it.
look at these faces-
save the babies-

can i have an "8 hours on my ass" pass, put in my stocking ??

cuz i could use a day like THIS :

as you could tell from the friggin way this began-
with the mysterious underlining.
phew. i thought we were gonna have to deal with that thru the whole post.
and knowing me? that could be anywhere from one minute-- to eternity. ugh.

so. thank God we were spared that agony.

anyhow. do you mind if i bitch? surely ya saw it comin sooner or later right? i haven't done too bad lately, have i? so, it's time. right? anyhow. i don't have a lot of bitchin to do. i've just been busy. every stinkin day. i know. that happens on occasion. but really i am in dire need of a sloth day. lately those days are just as hard on me as the really busy ones though. so i don't know what do to. i haven't found a happy medium yet. you know, a day that i can do 'just enough' to be satisfied with what i accomplish -- but not overdo it to where i am so exhausted that i can't be sociable with the family. or be in so much pain i spend the rest of the day and night in bed-- which causes even more stupid pain. it's just like everything else. 'feast or famine.' all or nuthin'. rich or poor. weak or strong. happy or sad. nice or bitchy. 'come here- go away. '
it's always one extreme or the next with me. and i am just beginning to wonder why that IS.
physically, mentally, emotionally, and even 'health-wise'. it's either one end of the pendulum or the other. the only balance there is - is when it swings passed and waves.
someone tell me why that is. ok?

anyhow-- can ya tell, i'm just tiahd. i need some time off. every day is constant. if it's not runnin around out of the house -- it's runnin around inside the house. and y'all know tax time is comin up. how fun fun fun that is gonna be. i have receipts in five different places. maybe six. and i try so very hard to be organized. i used to be. but really-- we have moved, three times in almost as many years-- and that does not one good thing for organization. lemmee tell ya. ugh.

oh.. yesterday. (well, day before yesterday--- soulkid informs us that in her theater class- they were doin 'somethin'. i couldn't explain it if i tried. but somehow - the kid behind her, fell, causing her to fall, then his weight went on her knee. )
-- so. isn't that just peachy? she had pain, and obvious bruising and swelling. so yesterday i kept her home and took her to the dr. (or vice versa -- whichever). turns out it's nuthing major-- phew!. a kid that age kinda needs good knees eh? they checked her out, went ahead and x-rayd it -- not thinkin they needed to -- but i felt better. so they did. soft tissue and tendon 'damage'.. minor. she will be fine after a few days of motrin and rest (light duty basically). the stairs are a problem. not much she can do about it here-- but when i called the school, they said she could get an elevator pass-- which should help a lot-- so she's not rushing up and down stairs between classes ten times a day. (if she's not too embarrassed to use it).

i also got a referral to a pediatric ortho doc for her to be seen for an old injury to her hip. i have worried about that darn hip for YEARS. it happened when she was like 2 or 3 in day-care. back in the day i could actually work still. my last job in fact.
anyhow-- we went to pick her up one evening, and the lady there had us sign a -accident report- we were fairly young (mid-20's) then, and she was our "1st' kid. we really didn't think much about it. she fell off the monkey bars earlier in the day. she 'looked ' ok. it had been hours since it happened. she wasn't crying. we thought

she was ok. however, she did have a pretty significant limp for several weeks. but she didn't complain of pain. so we didn't worry too much. (she had a large vocabulary for her age-- we were sure that if she was in pain , she would let us know).
anyhow-- we both were working-- but also weren't doin to well on funds... so we didn't rush her to the dr. or make a big deal about it. but like i said... all these years -- we have been concerned of the -- or any -- long term effects of a chronic injury like that. just a few weeks ago i asked her-- just thinkin about it--and out of the blue-- 'does your hip ever bother you? she knew the one i was talkin about ... so she said -- it doesn't hurt but watch this. so she stands up-- and POPS her hip. loud! only the one that was hurt does that.
so. yep i asked the doc to x-ray it-- but he referred me to a pediatric otho doc to have a look. same as me-- he's lookin 5-10 years down the road. this could be a problem. and if it is-- you do realize how guilty i am gonna feel. don't you?

anyhow-- she's gonna go to school today. she's fine with some motrin.

as for my day today?
still another busy one-- but i think i can do most of my stuff from home-- aloooooone.
at least i think so. it's COLD outside-- and i do not wanna be runnin around like the past few days- i do have a few things to do out there but not a lot. most is paperwork and christmas cards-- that i have been attempting to get to for four days. but that has taken over a week just to get my address book updated -- and i still aint all the way done with that. but-- i am further along than i was a few days ago.

anyhow-- i better get this party started around here-

hope y'all have happy days in your worlds today-
things haven't been too bad around here-- i really am tryin to un-grinch myself. i have even done some shopping!!!! GO ME!

no time -- photo post - again

the stockings are hung
aint they cute?

our first ummm, ick, cough, SNOW!
healP me !

ok smocha-- or anyone else who cares-
save this cat -- and ME-
it's freezing, and she wants IN more than ever now.
my heart can't take it.
FREE cat -- or - THREE
it's up to YOU
or they all go to the pound.
i just can't watch them freeze.
and i REFUSE to let them IN my house.
i just won't do it.
go ahead, bet me.

ok i must go-

hppy humpdays to you all-
latah peeps

WE DID IT !!!! WOO HOO !!!

howdy folks- and folkettes :))

i don't have time to write at the moment-- so let the photos do the talkin---

nuthin like child labor -
us old folks didn't have to hang one ornament :))
but it sure was fun to watch!

every year since it was possible,
soulman has lifted soulkid to put the angel on top of the tree.
- seems to be quite a strain this year eh? -
well, she sure would be-- if not for the ladder !
bwa hahhahahaha !

soulkids FIRST christmas pic with a Boyfriend!
i think it's adorable !
- they both hate it-
or so they say.

Jitterbug had no problem finding her favorite spot
under the tree.
the minute the clutter was moved -- she was THERE!
(YES, Smocha we are gonna move the cord. :))

aint they sweeT
a man and his reinDOG

and, last but not least -
the elusive
Audrey

if y'all are wonderin where my pic is? well... i was cameraman. you know how it is.

oh wait-- one more ---

how could i forget the baby of the family?
here's sushi and her baby-

which she tore the stuffing out of , and he had to be thrown away :((
poor sushi spent an hour looking for that baby.

ok peeps-- life around here begins again today , school, work, lists, bills, errand, and junk like that.

hope you all have wonderful weeks in your worlds!!!!!