why does this take soooo looong

dedicated to my soul peeps :))
happy days to all of you out there

(i had to leave while this was uploading--but now i am back...and here you go--)
enjoy
(the stupid thing decided it wants to stick (stop) around 3:00 on the timer thing--just click the sliding play guide a little--you only miss a few frames. i;ll work on it more later.

i gotsta run

so, whaddayathinkabout THIS???

	Sun		Mon		Tue		Wed		Thu		Fri		Sat
	64		77		76		80		66		68		70
	45		49		54		55		51		49		51

help i've fallen and i can't get up!

holy hell guys--

i think i fell into some kind of never-ending vortex, and landed into someone elses life!
or not. it's still all too familiar here. nothing changes nothing ends.

we were supposed to get soulkid on a five hour pass today--- that aint gonna happen now. we got a call last night from her counselor--- she told us that the girl didn't earn all her points that are required for the week. she is only lacking five points-- but no exceptions. she decided that it would be ok to slack off-- and back-talk one of the employees. so now it cost her. finallllleeeeeee--- consequences that will stick. bad thing? WE suffer too. i wanted to see my kid. oh well. it's about time she learn some respect for others.

sooooo--- what will we be doing instead? it's a workin day. the guy to repair our shower tile will be here monday. i don't know why i thought he was comin today-- but thank GOD he isn't. this place is a disaster area. even though i have been trying to get it cleaned up. i can only do so much in a day---which is actually only a few hours. i have been extra busy lately.

i reckon that will change too tho- as i was discharged from my group thing yesterday. what a terrible day for that to come to an end too. well, i wasn't totally discharged. it was supposed to be my last day--- but because of my---ummm... state of mind? -- the counselor offered to extend me the two days that i missed and let me go on mon and wed next week. well... i thought that might be a good idea--at first. until someone opened her damn mouth and said one of the things on the-- "you should never say this" to someone who has " . .?.. " list. to me. after she knew alot of what was goin on with me, she said it anyhow.
what happened? well, among other things-- like tellin her exactly how i felt about her comment..i decided-- i am outtah there. i'll take the discharge thanks. obviously, i've got all i'll get out of it anyhow. too bad tho-- i was improving-- til yesterday. wtf happened? ERG.

anyways, it was a terrible day. i knew--and everyone who knows me, (in the real world-or the virtual world) - knew i would crash if i didn't start sleeping. and the night before? none. again.

so...i didn't really start sleeping--cept like one night a couple days before--and i did crash.. and i crashed hard. i even mentioned to my counselor (before all the drama) that it wouldn't surprise me to end up back in in-patient. but- i suppose i am "safe", but may not have been if i would have changed only one or two words in talking to her. (safe meaning by not bein locked up).

why? cuz another lady in there--spilled her guts too--- in a way that anyone that has ever dealt with shrinks-- and hospitals--knows that if you don't want to get locked up-- you just don't say. they came and took her away-- to the funny farm. i feel bad for her. but she will be where she needs to be for a while. usually only a few days-- and it really does help-- if you let it.
but she said she had gotten drunk, beat up her separated - soon to be ex hubby---AND wanted her sleeping pills that were confiscated by her mom.
no she isn't a kid-- she's older than me--- but she wanted them to o.d. with.
i asked her-- well couldn't she just give you a couple every day-- i'm sure she doesn't want you to not be sleeping.
she said i don't want only a couple!!!
the counselor gets in there with the "risk" questions-- and the lady flat out said she had a plan and wanted her damn pills to carry it out.
--- well... from experience-- my own-- (and that i've heard)
i know that if you really want to--you can back-peddle your way out of gettin locked up sometimes---- unless or until you say
"i'm just TIRED".
for some reason... that seems to be the clincher in gettin put in-patient. (unwillingly). the counselor made a call-- fifteen minutes later-- someone came to put her in the hospital. yup--the quack ward.





so anyways-- where was i?? who the hell knows anymore. not i.

i know i can tell ya that i have failed yet again at another attempt-- one of my few best i might add-- at quitting smokin.
i am back to two-plus- packs a day. from less than half on the chantix. damn the man. damn his chantix too. i'm hearing more and more bad things about that med makin people go off their rocker. but for me.. i don't think that was the only thing-- but i do know-- it played a huge role. never again. chantix is the devil.

i don't even chew much of the nic-gum anymore. not seriously. i'll chew it if i need to pass an amount of time without a cig-- but i don't even try to not smoke lately.




oh-- ok, i know where i was goin. i was talkin in group yesterday-- and not doin well, i might add. it was a shittttttay mornin. so i'm just blabbin away-- not to mention cryin like a slobberin cry baby. ugh. if i hate anything it's crying. and if i hate anything more-- it's cryin in front of someone like a baby. (no-- i didn't sob, and blubber-- but the tears owned me.)
so of course--- due to the topic of my discussion... and the tears-- which the counselor knows don't come for me, unless i feel really bad. she decides to suggest i go back in the hospital!!
ummmm, NO. even tho i did suggest it a possibility in the near future. (well, hell, it fell out of my mouth..i didn't mean to say it--and i aint goin back in)

my life is a mess. i know i'm not the only one who has some of these problems. but i will admit, i feel like i am the only one who understands a lot of it.
i also know how it is that some other people just don't get it. and that's ok.
oh hell. i'm tryin to think--or write too fast--- and i don't even know what i'm sayin. but you know what i mean. right?

well.. i have stuff to do-- so i need to go try to get my shit together. that should be fun. not.
maybe i'll just go on a cleaning frenzy and forget the world. ya, we all know how well that works, right?

yesterday-- btw-- was also strange in the sense that--
1- i went to a coin machine to shed myself of 50 pounds of change---
know the total?
33.30 -- yup for real.

then...
2. some canned tea-- a twelve pack. know the price?
3.33! i wasn't gonna get it, but i couldn't resist! :))

there was another three three three-- but i forgot.

but as for my morning trying to get out of the house--already running late?
1- the cat puked on the couch...
2- the dog shat on the floor
and
3- just so happens-- i drank 3 cups of coffee!

happy days peeps---

i found one-- a meme

------------HAVE YOU EVER---------

* Ever been so drunk you blacked out: yup more than you can imagine.

* Put a body part on fire for amusement: NOT on purpose—but I laughed when it happened. --- it was mine! my hand. hmmm.

* Been in a car accident: several. maybe 4 or 5. I was only driving in one of them.

* Been hurt emotionally: mmm ya. Only a few hundred times.

* Had an imaginary friend: maybe—or perhaps the little people in my head :))

* Cried during a movie: Yes, but not often..

* Had a crush on a teacher: yep-- my sixth grade teacher.

I did date a navy instructor once – oops. One date tho—he was pretty weird.

* Ever thought an animated character was hot? LOL.. is this for real? When I was a kid? I hope. cuz i was like 5. Speed racer maybe.

* Had a New Kids On the Block tape: am beginning to think this is meant for the younger peeps. But for me.. hell no.

* Been on stage: yep—a couple times. LOL- with smocha. good times. back in the day.

* Cut your own hair: OMG—just ONCE—it was horrible. And humiliating. My lady told me if I ever got that desperate again to call and she would cut it for free—I never dared to white trash myself that way .. but I also never cut my hair myself again. What a butcher job I ended up with. oooh flashbacks. ugh.

-----------------FAVORITES-------------
* Shampoo: don't have one.
* Color: Blue, black,: dark blue
* Day/Night: Day.
* Summer/Winter: Summer
* Lace or satin: FLANNEL?.
* Cartoon Characters: tom and jerry.
* Food: deep fried, full of fat and flavor, southern shit..
* Fave Movie: lots and lots—but if I had to pick only one to have in my house forever—I spose maybe it would be—this boys life—or perhaps—maybe napoleon dynamite—you just don’t even think about being sad in that movie.

* Fave Ice Cream: pralines and cream, java mocha—mocha java whatever.. a few others.
* Fave Subject: sociology, psychology,
* Fave Drink: Water, iced tea, coffee, and mango jamba juice.

------------------RIGHT NOW------------
* Wearing: flannel jammies ..hubby tshirt, flannel shirt
* Eating: Nothing.
* Drinking: water.
* Thinking about: All way too damn much for this time of night- umm day (it's 4:23 am FRIDAY! woo hoo-).
* Listening to: my laptop hum.
* Talking to: Y;all.
* Watching: Myself type as I go cross eyed

---------IN THE LAST 24 HRS--------
* Cried: fuckin riveri don't think so

* Worn a skirt: hell no-what for
* Met someone new: kinda.
* Cleaned your room: nope
* Done laundry: yup-- tons
* Drove a car: yep i did.

----DO YOU BELIEVE IN------
* Yourself: not lately

* Friends: one , or two

* Santa Claus: nope

* Destiny/Fate: sometimes

* Angels: yes I do- I’ve seen them—and talked to them—in human form. For real. (not like "i see dead people" -- :)) but i have seen angels--maybe three??

* Ghosts: i‘m not sure—I think so—but I don’t like to

* UFO's: again.. not 100 percent sure – but I think I have seen a couple.

------LOVE----------
* Bf/gf – I’m married and I love him—I always have.
* Ever been in love: once—to my one and only hubby
* Cheated on anyone: No.
* Ever done a "drunken stupid mistake": mmmm… maybe a few thousand

* Ever had a lesbian/gay experience: No thank you.

oh-- unless a unwelcomed "pass " counts.

-----TELL THE TRUTH!!-----------
Would you ever:

* Pay for sex: I hope I never get that desperate!

* Strip for money—if you haven’t noticed—there aren’t too many who want to even see me DRESSED for FREE!! Think about that.

* Play strip poker: who with?

* Work in McDonalds: been there , done that—lasted three days—never again.. soup line anyone??

. * Lie: Only to protect those I love or myself.

* Bitch about someone: it’s what I do best you know.

.* What's the best feeling in the world: Being at peace. Quiet mind, no pain, no worries. family not in rehab.Laughing and actin a fool !. :))
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

so -- there ya go-- that's how i spent my night-- after fixing-- partially fixing my computer when it tried to die.

happy friday people-eys

have you ever considered emailing God?

Email God; get comments : whoda thunk it?

i was fumblin around blogland, and go see what i tripped over.
pretty cool website.

SO anyhow, i was sittin down postin this thing...finally.. and i couldn't concentrate. so i got up and did a bunch of meaningless activities--

such as :
laundry
bills
organizing my closet
stuff like that. i can't hold a thought for more than a minute lately. so just bare with me. i am blog dead. i apologize.

aside from that? not much goin on here. unless ya wanna count guilt, pain, anger, slothfulness, fat pants, and anger? well yup, that's about it.
hmmm.. perhaps this could be the start of a meme?
i'll be baaaack... gotta google around a bit for a meme i haven't done yet.

OH what a "shi-cky" day in soulland

well hell people-
yesterday just seemed to be a tougher day than i imagined it would be. i was runnin on little to no sleep the night before--- yes again. it's starting to affect me --- again, yes. the few folks i do talk to tell me/remind me/ and even ask me to get to sleep at night. (naps aren't happenin too much lately either ) so yep --even bein scolded doesn't make it any easier to sleep. with everything goin on here, especially not seeing my soulgirl --- it's just tough to sleep. i think it would be for any parent-- but it is really bothering me, and affecting my functioning-- at home, business, and family. NOT good.

in fact,
it all kinda bugs me

yesterday, i did sleep a few hours.. today i did too , but it was only like two. i don't understand how i am gettin through the days, but i manage.
like i said tho-- my early to bed early to rise has all but ceased. now it's more like never to "bed"... zero dark thirty to the chair. ugh. and i can't like it.

some nights, i'm productive, and accomplish something that was put off due to lack of sleep - or time. other nights? i do nothing. play on the computer, and google myself. :))
oh quit.. i knew you'd think that. just lotsa things to research .
i walk around pretty confused and out of it .

(stare at the pic for a couple secs - :)
confused?

the group thing yesterday was rough. and not so much me. there was only one other lady there, and she had a lot to say. things that triggered a lot in me.
and when i got home-- with plans to go fishin and clear my mind--- soulman was in a bad mood. or "something". to where i was just uncomfortable. i "feel" that "energy" in the air, whether he speaks or not. there is just too damn much happening here-- and not much of it is good. combined, it all just makes me extremely agitated. "wired", you might say.

seems a LOT makes me wired and anxious lately, hell, breathing makes my hands shake-- even after 1 xanax and a soma.i know some of you can relate-- but really, it is just not natural when your kid is in such big trouble as mine is. or of course when ya just don't know how things will turn out.

oooohhhh, and if you missed it in the comments below? i get the *NAG* ; if it's not for being awake all night, it's for being tired in the day, and not napping...or i forget to take meat out--to cook at home-- or i mention my existence .

ugh.

i'm goin fishin!!!!
laterz

(began that part at 5:53 am. )

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////



well , it's later -- 10:45 pm -- and life's just dandy in my world. how bout yours?
yes, i am bein sarcastic. i wouldn't be -- well, IF i wasn't breathing. but, - i am. and yes i am grateful for that, just not so much for the turn of events around here today. and there were many.

it IS cuz i'm me ya know.?

BUT, i am wondering -- does life suck the life out of me, or do i suck the life out of life????

(rhetorical question btw).

oh and just so ya know--nope , no fish again today. i missed two big ones tho- they didn't get hooked, but the swirls they left ? ERG!

soooooo, movin on -

y'all know - almost -
every day here is like that dog for me.
even when i think it's good -
it isn't.

nope:

MY world can turn to shit in a heartbeat - and it turned to shit about fifty times today.
it was just peachy. and to top it all off? a freakin cold front-- with rain-- and HIGHS of 40 (F) , or less, is comin in right this second. the wind is really crankin up outside.


but, at least i am home and soulman is ok and all tucked into bed.
ahh, you probably wonder why i mention soulmans' safety eh? well, that would be one of the "shi-cky" turns of the day. (which would be shitty - sucky, if ya didn't know. "i made that up" .) anyhow, the bubba mobile wouldn't start after he got off work today.
that was after i had just woken up from a much needed nap. i wasn't all together yet when he called. he just said he needed a jump start. we were supposed to go visit soulkid ---
who by the way, is inpatient rehab if i haven't mentioned that. yes AGAIN. she had an awful relapse over the past weekend. she could have died. literally. i had to take her to the emergency room before the rehab place would accept her. see what i mean by "shi-cky" ?
anyways, visitation was at 730 to 9. and of course we were plannin on going. but not like this---
by the time i got the jumper cables, shoes on, hair brushed, and to soulmans job... it was already 7 pm. he was a frazzled wreck too. me? nope. for ONCE in a blue friggin moon, i woke up refreshed, and even somewhat happy. but what happened? well, i tried my best to calm the man. reminded him we have AAA -- oh, because my car, even after half an hour of charging on the cables ? it just wasn't powerful enough for a duel battery deisel pickup truck! it did nothing. soooo--- he called AAA , and i called rehab . i didn't want soulkid to worry, or be upset -- thinkin we weren't gonna show.
after all that was settled, i still couldn't get soulman to chill out. he wasn't mad as much as worried, but i was in a real good mood, dammit. for that moment. so again, i try to think of "something". so i suggest i go get food and we could eat before the tow truck even got there prolly. so i did. he waited , in case AAA showed before we could get back, and i went and got food.
the tow guy got there before we even finished eatin, and it only took his big ole truck, and two sets of jumpers about a second to start the bubba mobile. he left , and we finished eatin while the truck could get a bit of a charge before drivin it.

hahahahaha . surely you don't think it was that easy? oh hell no.; i am me. and, i am in soul-hell. but still trying to be ok.
soulman gets the idea to immediately go buy a batteries at a specific place that only sells batteries---
and what do ya think happened????????? oh hell yes, he did. he turned his truck off !!! and the fuckin store was closed!!!!!

it was like 8 pm by now, and we were both stressin about missin seein soulkid.
we worked out a plan for his work tommorrow -- cuz i have to have my car. and then drove us to rehab. we made it at 815--- by 835?????? I had "stepped out" twice , to calm Me this time. soulkid was a brat with a capital BBBB! she was rude, and didn't yell, but just had a tone, every time i said a word. seriously. finally, i got up and left---yep. i did.
worst part? i was crying by that time. and when i left my house just a couple hours before, i was happy. i don't say that very often. not about myself. i don't know what happened between washin dishes and a nap-- but i felt good.
except my damn back was in flames. somethin is bad wrong there. but i didn't let it get me down. i wanted to take advantage of my mood and be in good shape for the soul-clan.
but there i was, sittin in the dark car, alone, smokin and cryin my eyes out. EEE--fuckin--GADS!

so, yep-- ten minutes later--and still before visitation was to end? here came soulman. she treated him like shit too. so yes, we got there late, and we left early. ONLY to argue (not argue/ have a serious discussion) - and cry all the way friggin home!!!

aint life grand?

i hope yours IS.

it's daylight screwup time

hiya folks--

it's a monday for damn sure here. i hope y'all are gettin a better start than me this morning.
nothin "bad", just that i overslept-- i bet many of you did too. i love the longer days and warmer weather comin our way-- but the one clock that didn't get re-set--was the one in the bedroom. just peachy.

so-- i only have a sec to "report in". :))
the weekend went ok here as far as i can remember at this point. i just didn't get much sleep-- other than that things were fine in soulland.

we saw soulkid yesterday. i will have to get back to that later on... i have group this morning-- i need to wash my hair-- and i am runnin behind.
not sure about yall , but when i am late -- it's the hair that suffers. and y'all know-- i just am not used to hair. i've had pretty short hair for the last thirty years of my life. it came in handy on days like this-- but just look at it now--

and waking with a headache, and late--- i feel more like this---




anyhow, to answer your question-- yes we did go fishin yesterday-- it was ok, but neither got a fish. the pond is really suckin lately.
i did catch one the other day-- i didn't have my camera tho, the battery was dead so why bother. it wasn't anything to brag about anyhow--- but it was nice to catch a fish..

the weather is sposed to be really nice-- in the 80-s for the next three days or so--BUT rain is pretty certain.. so i'm not sure about any fishin in the near future.

the landlady called-- said she drove by (i wonder how often she does that---?)
but she did say she saw the fence down and will send someone to fix it-- WOO HOO
soulman was sure it would be another reimbursment/pay-then take it out of the rent thing. that gets old . isn't renting all about lack of responsibility for the shit that goes wrong? we really need to remember that.


welp -- on that happy note ---
i am outtah heah...
love and hugz to y'all
hoping you have good days in your worlds today !

am i awake yet? or still? or at all?

ola my soul peeps ---

OMG peeples--

has anyone ever googled "zombie"? i don't recommend it. there's some terrible pix of them. i was actually looking for a "tired/exhausted look".. what i found was --- movie type zombies. not pretty.









sooo anyhow-- i have not been sleepin for a damn lately. for sure the last 3 or 4 days... but could be more. a couple times i slept zero hours-- and a couple i got only a few-- prolly less than three or four hours. this is no way to live. i feel about like the zombie up there-- but i'm not quite that gross lookin---YET.

i reckon if i do manage to live through this shit--- there's a "lesson" in it somewhere.
i don't know about y'all, but i'm pretty damn tired of all these "lessons" in life. they say we have to go through shit over and over til we get it. i must be really really lame when it comes to life. cuz mine sure can get sucky ALOT. as you well know.
i swear though-- someday i'll get it-- and things will be ok. i hope.




i'll tell ya what tho-- at this point--
THIS :
<<<----------- is about the best i can do. hopefully it won't get down to the choking of someone. OR---perhaps-- a good bitch fight just might be a little calming. ridding myself of the internal hell of the soul. ya reckon? :)) i kid. i couldn't hurt no-one. well... yes i could----- i do have a few frickin drug dealers in mind. ugh. and possibly one young soulgirl. BAH!




have i mentioned i am gaining weight like a big ole pig?
it has to be a side effect of one or a combo of my meds. i've had so many changes lately it's crazy. or I AM. but i think i have gained almost--or over ten pounds... in what? 1 month?? holy crap. i had to buy some bigger pants the other day. that was real fun. not! but as you are prolly thinkin--along with everyone else i mention-- i mean , bitch about it to --
NO, i don't "need it" -- i don't want it either. ugh.

it's sugar-- it's like when i was prego with soulkid-- i craved sugar--- and i gained 75 POUNDS!!! why can't sugar be illegal? :))

so anyhow-- i guess that says it all... for the moment.
i'll be around later. busy day ahead-- lotsa work and visiting soul- attack jr. in a couple hours.
but i'll be here tonight.

y'all be happy in your worlds today :))
we really are tryin around here.
(needless to say it aint workin too well)
but we do try.

i had to step away for a while to get some laundry switched around but when i got back.. i checked the weather ---- have a "look see" :))

look WHAT I JUST FOUND--- !!!!

Currently

68.0 °F Clear

Humidity:	15%
Wind:	Calm

THE HELL WITH HOUSEWORK AND BUSINESS---!!!
WE'RE GOIN FISHIN!!!!
the HIGH today?
81...again... BUT the best part? it won't be windy like the last few days.

So-- i may look this ------------------->>>>>>>

and my house may look like

<<<<<------------------------------- THAT, but i don't give a damn




BECAUSE

and i am outta heah

happy sunday

i'll be backk if i catch a fish!!!!!

slackin soul

hiya peeps--

as usual i am runnin behind this mornin. too much playin online--- and bill hell-- :))
later it will be tax hell. i can't believe all the receipts i have !

have a visual of how the mornin is-- and i'lll be back latah--





wish you were here for the smoke n choke !!
(one day we'll caravan somewhere --- maybe)

































everyone have great days in your worlds today--

NOT like this --













mine is improving already---

goodnight oh crappy day

look familiar?
could it be jr?

well, she better knock it off!


i's tiahd
see y'all tomorrow

oh..ps-- it was too windy to go fishin.. but i tried-- for like ten minutes.
just wasn't in me today.
it was nice out tho --aside from the wind--
it hit like 85 !! woo hoo

uuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhh

so---i'm goin fishin..... it's already almost 70 degrees... at least i have the weather gods on my side today.
catchya later-- with a update