Friday, March 13, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
have you ever considered emailing God?
Email God; get comments : whoda thunk it?
i was fumblin around blogland, and go see what i tripped over.
pretty cool website.
such as :
laundry
bills
organizing my closet
stuff like that. i can't hold a thought for more than a minute lately. so just bare with me. i am blog dead. i apologize.
aside from that? not much goin on here. unless ya wanna count guilt, pain, anger, slothfulness, fat pants, and anger? well yup, that's about it.
hmmm.. perhaps this could be the start of a meme?
i'll be baaaack... gotta google around a bit for a meme i haven't done yet.
i was fumblin around blogland, and go see what i tripped over.
pretty cool website.
SO anyhow, i was sittin down postin this thing...finally.. and i couldn't concentrate. so i got up and did a bunch of meaningless activities--
such as :
laundry
bills
organizing my closet
stuff like that. i can't hold a thought for more than a minute lately. so just bare with me. i am blog dead. i apologize.
aside from that? not much goin on here. unless ya wanna count guilt, pain, anger, slothfulness, fat pants, and anger? well yup, that's about it.hmmm.. perhaps this could be the start of a meme?
i'll be baaaack... gotta google around a bit for a meme i haven't done yet.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
OH what a "shi-cky" day in soulland
well hell people-
yesterday just seemed to be a tougher day than i imagined it would be. i was runnin on little to no sleep the night before--- yes again. it's starting to affect me --- again, yes. the few folks i do talk to tell me/remind me/ and even ask me to get to sleep at night. (naps aren't happenin too much lately either ) so yep --even bein scolded doesn't make it any easier to sleep. with everything goin on here, especially not seeing my soulgirl --- it's just tough to sleep. i think it would be for any parent-- but it is really bothering me, and affecting my functioning-- at home, business, and family. NOT good.
in fact,
it all kinda bugs me
yesterday, i did sleep a few hours.. today i did too , but it was only like two. i don't understand how i am gettin through the days, but i manage.
like i said tho-- my early to bed early to rise has all but ceased. now it's more like never to "bed"... zero dark thirty to the chair. ugh. and i can't like it.
some nights, i'm productive, and accomplish something that was put off due to lack of sleep - or time. other nights? i do nothing. play on the computer, and google myself. :))
oh quit.. i knew you'd think that. just lotsa things to research .
i walk around pretty confused and out of it .
(stare at the pic for a couple secs - :)
confused?
the group thing yesterday was rough. and not so much me. there was only one other lady there, and she had a lot to say. things that triggered a lot in me.
and when i got home-- with plans to go fishin and clear my mind--- soulman was in a bad mood. or "something". to where i was just uncomfortable. i "feel" that "energy" in the air, whether he speaks or not. there is just too damn much happening here-- and not much of it is good. combined, it all just makes me extremely agitated. "wired", you might say.
seems a LOT makes me wired and anxious lately, hell, breathing makes my hands shake-- even after 1 xanax and a soma.i know some of you can relate-- but really, it is just not natural when your kid is in such big trouble as mine is. or of course when ya just don't know how things will turn out.
oooohhhh, and if you missed it in the comments below? i get the *NAG* ; if it's not for being awake all night, it's for being tired in the day, and not napping...or i forget to take meat out--to cook at home-- or i mention my existence .
ugh.
i'm goin fishin!!!!
laterz
well , it's later -- 10:45 pm -- and life's just dandy in my world. how bout yours?
yes, i am bein sarcastic. i wouldn't be -- well, IF i wasn't breathing. but, - i am. and yes i am grateful for that, just not so much for the turn of events around here today. and there were many.
MY world can turn to shit in a heartbeat - and it turned to shit about fifty times today.
it was just peachy. and to top it all off? a freakin cold front-- with rain-- and HIGHS of 40 (F) , or less, is comin in right this second. the wind is really crankin up outside.
but, at least i am home and soulman is ok and all tucked into bed.
ahh, you probably wonder why i mention soulmans' safety eh? well, that would be one of the "shi-cky" turns of the day. (which would be shitty - sucky, if ya didn't know. "i made that up" .) anyhow, the bubba mobile wouldn't start after he got off work today.
that was after i had just woken up from a much needed nap. i wasn't all together yet when he called. he just said he needed a jump start. we were supposed to go visit soulkid ---
who by the way, is inpatient rehab if i haven't mentioned that. yes AGAIN. she had an awful relapse over the past weekend. she could have died. literally. i had to take her to the emergency room before the rehab place would accept her. see what i mean by "shi-cky" ?
anyways, visitation was at 730 to 9. and of course we were plannin on going. but not like this---
by the time i got the jumper cables, shoes on, hair brushed, and to soulmans job... it was already 7 pm. he was a frazzled wreck too. me? nope. for ONCE in a blue friggin moon, i woke up refreshed, and even somewhat happy. but what happened? well, i tried my best to calm the man. reminded him we have AAA -- oh, because my car, even after half an hour of charging on the cables ? it just wasn't powerful enough for a duel battery deisel pickup truck! it did nothing. soooo--- he called AAA , and i called rehab . i didn't want soulkid to worry, or be upset -- thinkin we weren't gonna show.
after all that was settled, i still couldn't get soulman to chill out. he wasn't mad as much as worried, but i was in a real good mood, dammit. for that moment. so again, i try to think of "something". so i suggest i go get food and we could eat before the tow truck even got there prolly. so i did. he waited , in case AAA showed before we could get back, and i went and got food.
the tow guy got there before we even finished eatin, and it only took his big ole truck, and two sets of jumpers about a second to start the bubba mobile. he left , and we finished eatin while the truck could get a bit of a charge before drivin it.
hahahahaha . surely you don't think it was that easy? oh hell no.; i am me. and, i am in soul-hell. but still trying to be ok.
soulman gets the idea to immediately go buy a batteries at a specific place that only sells batteries---
and what do ya think happened????????? oh hell yes, he did. he turned his truck off !!! and the fuckin store was closed!!!!!
it was like 8 pm by now, and we were both stressin about missin seein soulkid.
we worked out a plan for his work tommorrow -- cuz i have to have my car. and then drove us to rehab. we made it at 815--- by 835?????? I had "stepped out" twice , to calm Me this time. soulkid was a brat with a capital BBBB! she was rude, and didn't yell, but just had a tone, every time i said a word. seriously. finally, i got up and left---yep. i did.
worst part? i was crying by that time. and when i left my house just a couple hours before, i was happy. i don't say that very often. not about myself. i don't know what happened between washin dishes and a nap-- but i felt good.
except my damn back was in flames. somethin is bad wrong there. but i didn't let it get me down. i wanted to take advantage of my mood and be in good shape for the soul-clan.
but there i was, sittin in the dark car, alone, smokin and cryin my eyes out. EEE--fuckin--GADS!
so, yep-- ten minutes later--and still before visitation was to end? here came soulman. she treated him like shit too. so yes, we got there late, and we left early. ONLY to argue (not argue/ have a serious discussion) - and cry all the way friggin home!!!
aint life grand?
i hope yours IS.
yesterday just seemed to be a tougher day than i imagined it would be. i was runnin on little to no sleep the night before--- yes again. it's starting to affect me --- again, yes. the few folks i do talk to tell me/remind me/ and even ask me to get to sleep at night. (naps aren't happenin too much lately either ) so yep --even bein scolded doesn't make it any easier to sleep. with everything goin on here, especially not seeing my soulgirl --- it's just tough to sleep. i think it would be for any parent-- but it is really bothering me, and affecting my functioning-- at home, business, and family. NOT good.
in fact,
it all kinda bugs me
yesterday, i did sleep a few hours.. today i did too , but it was only like two. i don't understand how i am gettin through the days, but i manage.
like i said tho-- my early to bed early to rise has all but ceased. now it's more like never to "bed"... zero dark thirty to the chair. ugh. and i can't like it.
some nights, i'm productive, and accomplish something that was put off due to lack of sleep - or time. other nights? i do nothing. play on the computer, and google myself. :))
oh quit.. i knew you'd think that. just lotsa things to research .
i walk around pretty confused and out of it .
(stare at the pic for a couple secs - :)
confused?
the group thing yesterday was rough. and not so much me. there was only one other lady there, and she had a lot to say. things that triggered a lot in me.
and when i got home-- with plans to go fishin and clear my mind--- soulman was in a bad mood. or "something". to where i was just uncomfortable. i "feel" that "energy" in the air, whether he speaks or not. there is just too damn much happening here-- and not much of it is good. combined, it all just makes me extremely agitated. "wired", you might say.
seems a LOT makes me wired and anxious lately, hell, breathing makes my hands shake-- even after 1 xanax and a soma.i know some of you can relate-- but really, it is just not natural when your kid is in such big trouble as mine is. or of course when ya just don't know how things will turn out.
oooohhhh, and if you missed it in the comments below? i get the *NAG* ; if it's not for being awake all night, it's for being tired in the day, and not napping...or i forget to take meat out--to cook at home-- or i mention my existence .
ugh.
i'm goin fishin!!!!
laterz
(began that part at 5:53 am. )
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
well , it's later -- 10:45 pm -- and life's just dandy in my world. how bout yours?
yes, i am bein sarcastic. i wouldn't be -- well, IF i wasn't breathing. but, - i am. and yes i am grateful for that, just not so much for the turn of events around here today. and there were many.
it IS cuz i'm me ya know.?
BUT, i am wondering -- does life suck the life out of me, or do i suck the life out of life????
(rhetorical question btw).
oh and just so ya know--nope , no fish again today. i missed two big ones tho- they didn't get hooked, but the swirls they left ? ERG!
soooooo, movin on -
y'all know - almost -
every day here is like that dog for me.
even when i think it's good -
it isn't.
nope:
every day here is like that dog for me.
even when i think it's good -
it isn't.
nope:
MY world can turn to shit in a heartbeat - and it turned to shit about fifty times today.
it was just peachy. and to top it all off? a freakin cold front-- with rain-- and HIGHS of 40 (F) , or less, is comin in right this second. the wind is really crankin up outside.
but, at least i am home and soulman is ok and all tucked into bed.
ahh, you probably wonder why i mention soulmans' safety eh? well, that would be one of the "shi-cky" turns of the day. (which would be shitty - sucky, if ya didn't know. "i made that up" .) anyhow, the bubba mobile wouldn't start after he got off work today.
that was after i had just woken up from a much needed nap. i wasn't all together yet when he called. he just said he needed a jump start. we were supposed to go visit soulkid ---
who by the way, is inpatient rehab if i haven't mentioned that. yes AGAIN. she had an awful relapse over the past weekend. she could have died. literally. i had to take her to the emergency room before the rehab place would accept her. see what i mean by "shi-cky" ?
anyways, visitation was at 730 to 9. and of course we were plannin on going. but not like this---
by the time i got the jumper cables, shoes on, hair brushed, and to soulmans job... it was already 7 pm. he was a frazzled wreck too. me? nope. for ONCE in a blue friggin moon, i woke up refreshed, and even somewhat happy. but what happened? well, i tried my best to calm the man. reminded him we have AAA -- oh, because my car, even after half an hour of charging on the cables ? it just wasn't powerful enough for a duel battery deisel pickup truck! it did nothing. soooo--- he called AAA , and i called rehab . i didn't want soulkid to worry, or be upset -- thinkin we weren't gonna show.
after all that was settled, i still couldn't get soulman to chill out. he wasn't mad as much as worried, but i was in a real good mood, dammit. for that moment. so again, i try to think of "something". so i suggest i go get food and we could eat before the tow truck even got there prolly. so i did. he waited , in case AAA showed before we could get back, and i went and got food.
the tow guy got there before we even finished eatin, and it only took his big ole truck, and two sets of jumpers about a second to start the bubba mobile. he left , and we finished eatin while the truck could get a bit of a charge before drivin it.
hahahahaha . surely you don't think it was that easy? oh hell no.; i am me. and, i am in soul-hell. but still trying to be ok.
soulman gets the idea to immediately go buy a batteries at a specific place that only sells batteries---
and what do ya think happened????????? oh hell yes, he did. he turned his truck off !!! and the fuckin store was closed!!!!!
it was like 8 pm by now, and we were both stressin about missin seein soulkid.
we worked out a plan for his work tommorrow -- cuz i have to have my car. and then drove us to rehab. we made it at 815--- by 835?????? I had "stepped out" twice , to calm Me this time. soulkid was a brat with a capital BBBB! she was rude, and didn't yell, but just had a tone, every time i said a word. seriously. finally, i got up and left---yep. i did.
worst part? i was crying by that time. and when i left my house just a couple hours before, i was happy. i don't say that very often. not about myself. i don't know what happened between washin dishes and a nap-- but i felt good.
except my damn back was in flames. somethin is bad wrong there. but i didn't let it get me down. i wanted to take advantage of my mood and be in good shape for the soul-clan.
but there i was, sittin in the dark car, alone, smokin and cryin my eyes out. EEE--fuckin--GADS!
so, yep-- ten minutes later--and still before visitation was to end? here came soulman. she treated him like shit too. so yes, we got there late, and we left early. ONLY to argue (not argue/ have a serious discussion) - and cry all the way friggin home!!!
aint life grand?
i hope yours IS.
Monday, March 9, 2009
it's daylight screwup time
hiya folks--
it's a monday for damn sure here. i hope y'all are gettin a better start than me this morning.
nothin "bad", just that i overslept-- i bet many of you did too. i love the longer days and warmer weather comin our way-- but the one clock that didn't get re-set--was the one in the bedroom. just peachy.
so-- i only have a sec to "report in". :))
the weekend went ok here as far as i can remember at this point. i just didn't get much sleep-- other than that things were fine in soulland.
we saw soulkid yesterday. i will have to get back to that later on... i have group this morning-- i need to wash my hair-- and i am runnin behind.
not sure about yall , but when i am late -- it's the hair that suffers. and y'all know-- i just am not used to hair. i've had pretty short hair for the last thirty years of my life. it came in handy on days like this-- but just look at it now--
and waking with a headache, and late--- i feel more like this---
anyhow, to answer your question-- yes we did go fishin yesterday-- it was ok, but neither got a fish. the pond is really suckin lately.
i did catch one the other day-- i didn't have my camera tho, the battery was dead so why bother. it wasn't anything to brag about anyhow--- but it was nice to catch a fish..
the weather is sposed to be really nice-- in the 80-s for the next three days or so--BUT rain is pretty certain.. so i'm not sure about any fishin in the near future.
the landlady called-- said she drove by (i wonder how often she does that---?)
but she did say she saw the fence down and will send someone to fix it-- WOO HOO
soulman was sure it would be another reimbursment/pay-then take it out of the rent thing. that gets old . isn't renting all about lack of responsibility for the shit that goes wrong? we really need to remember that.
welp -- on that happy note ---
i am outtah heah...
love and hugz to y'all
hoping you have good days in your worlds today !
Sunday, March 8, 2009
am i awake yet? or still? or at all?
ola my soul peeps ---
OMG peeples--has anyone ever googled "zombie"? i don't recommend it. there's some terrible pix of them. i was actually looking for a "tired/exhausted look".. what i found was --- movie type zombies. not pretty.
sooo anyhow-- i have not been sleepin for a damn lately. for sure the last 3 or 4 days... but could be more. a couple times i slept zero hours-- and a couple i got only a few-- prolly less than three or four hours. this is no way to live. i feel about like the zombie up there-- but i'm not quite that gross lookin---YET.
i reckon if i do manage to live through this shit--- there's a "lesson" in it somewhere.i don't know about y'all, but i'm pretty damn tired of all these "lessons" in life. they say we have to go through shit over and over til we get it. i must be really really lame when it comes to life. cuz mine sure can get sucky ALOT. as you well know.
i swear though-- someday i'll get it-- and things will be ok. i hope.
i'll tell ya what tho-- at this point--THIS :
<<<----------- is about the best i can do. hopefully it won't get down to the choking of someone. OR---perhaps-- a good bitch fight just might be a little calming. ridding myself of the internal hell of the soul. ya reckon? :)) i kid. i couldn't hurt no-one. well... yes i could----- i do have a few frickin drug dealers in mind. ugh. and possibly one young soulgirl. BAH!
have i mentioned i am gaining weight like a big ole pig?
it has to be a side effect of one or a combo of my meds. i've had so many changes lately it's
crazy. or I AM. but i think i have gained almost--or over ten pounds... in what? 1 month?? holy crap. i had to buy some bigger pants the other day. that was real fun. not! but as you are prolly thinkin--along with everyone else i mention-- i mean , bitch about it to --NO, i don't "need it" -- i don't want it either. ugh.
it's sugar-- it's like when i was prego with soulkid-- i craved sugar--- and i gained 75 POUNDS!!! why can't sugar be illegal? :))
so anyhow-- i guess that says it all... for the moment.i'll be around later. busy day ahead-- lotsa work and visiting soul- attack jr. in a couple hours.
but i'll be here tonight.
y'all be happy in your worlds today :))we really are tryin around here.
(needless to say it aint workin too well)
but we do try.
i had to step away for a while to get some laundry switched around but when i got back.. i checked the weather ---- have a "look see" :))
look WHAT I JUST FOUND--- !!!!
Currently
 | 68.0 °F Clear |
| Humidity: | 15% |
| Wind: | Calm |
THE HELL WITH HOUSEWORK AND BUSINESS---!!!
WE'RE GOIN FISHIN!!!!
the HIGH today?
81...again... BUT the best part? it won't be windy like the last few days.
and my house may look like
<<<<<------------------------------- THAT, but i don't give a damn
BECAUSE
and i am outta heahhappy sunday
i'll be backk if i catch a fish!!!!!
Friday, March 6, 2009
slackin soul
hiya peeps--
as usual i am runnin behind this mornin. too much playin online--- and bill hell-- :))
later it will be tax hell. i can't believe all the receipts i have !
have a visual of how the mornin is-- and i'lll be back latah--
wish you were here for the smoke n choke !!
(one day we'll caravan somewhere --- maybe)
everyone have great days in your worlds today--
NOT like this --
mine is improving already---
as usual i am runnin behind this mornin. too much playin online--- and bill hell-- :))
later it will be tax hell. i can't believe all the receipts i have !
have a visual of how the mornin is-- and i'lll be back latah--
wish you were here for the smoke n choke !!
(one day we'll caravan somewhere --- maybe)
everyone have great days in your worlds today--
NOT like this --
mine is improving already---
Thursday, March 5, 2009
uuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhh
so---i'm goin fishin..... it's already almost 70 degrees... at least i have the weather gods on my side today.
catchya later-- with a update
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
OMG i'm caught in a hanger
hi all---
thanks for comin by, and keepin up with me and mine. even when i am failing to keep up with you and yours. as you can see from the last many posts--- i truly am in soul hell lately. long term lately-- along with short term lately. this was a most fucked up weekend. the worst in quite some time. and things are NOT good.
i reckon i will start with my monday morning-- as i said i would... but this is the short version.... as will be the rest of this post-- cuz i have somethin i need to do this morning.
anyhow-- monday i went to my aftercare psyche group.
i go mon-wed-fri-
but i won't be going today--(and i'll get to the why soon)--- but as you know - things have been tough here. to the point of police visiting my home. at least, no one got hauled off.
anyhow-- i can't hardly focus right now-- just trying to write fast.
back to monday-- i could not go to sleep-- not after everything that happened on that night--the screaming, the headache -- the friggin cops. the heartache.
i am realizing i have sooo lost track of time i don't know for sure what day what happened.. so just go with it ---days may be off-- but the rest is the story.
the night the cops came- i was up all night. it happens-- mostly when i am stressed-- or manic-- i was both.
i don't know -- i have to go now-- i'm a wreck at the moment-- i just wanted to let you know i was still alive--
as for soul jr.--- that is what i want to talk to you about. and i think i may just break like the china doll that i always try hard not to be.
perhaps i am not tougher than most like i sometimes say.
she relapsed over the weekend-- she took ALOT of MY fuckin meds. we didn't know til the cops were here-- she only -- ugh. i'll get to more detail later. but its gonna kill me i'm afraid. i just don't have the strength to deal with this.
an example-- on monday at group-- even before all this info came up---- on monday i fell apart in group-- they don't see me talk or cry so much. they were very concerned-- and my counselor MADE me see my shrink-- she paged her to see me -- unscheduled-- they both wanted to put me inpatient cuz i was such a mess. BUT i was "safe".. i had to convince them i was only emotional..not suicidal-- or in a need to hurt myself in any way.
obviously they believed me..and i was here for all the things that happened. if i wasn't -- i woulda fell apart--even worse than i am right now.
i'll be back peeps.
be happy today-- it could always be worse.
right -- charlotte-- and jamie? i know there's more.. smocha.
my baby could be dead today--- from what she said about the amount and what she remembers taking-- she honestly could have died. and that scares the livin shit out of me. i didnt know these details, or seriousness , amount type nuthin till this morning.
worst part?? she is having physical and mental effects today -- WTF. is it gonna be permanent? please pray for her. if you have an ounce of God in you .. pray for my soulkid.
wtf people-- i'm thinkin Armageddon..or simply hell.
either way it's the end of the world as we know it. at least as the way I know it.
i shall return this afternoon.
love and peace to y'all
(no time to proofread--sorry--but i hope you are fluent in typo)
thanks for comin by, and keepin up with me and mine. even when i am failing to keep up with you and yours. as you can see from the last many posts--- i truly am in soul hell lately. long term lately-- along with short term lately. this was a most fucked up weekend. the worst in quite some time. and things are NOT good.
i reckon i will start with my monday morning-- as i said i would... but this is the short version.... as will be the rest of this post-- cuz i have somethin i need to do this morning.
anyhow-- monday i went to my aftercare psyche group.
i go mon-wed-fri-
but i won't be going today--(and i'll get to the why soon)--- but as you know - things have been tough here. to the point of police visiting my home. at least, no one got hauled off.
anyhow-- i can't hardly focus right now-- just trying to write fast.
back to monday-- i could not go to sleep-- not after everything that happened on that night--the screaming, the headache -- the friggin cops. the heartache.
i am realizing i have sooo lost track of time i don't know for sure what day what happened.. so just go with it ---days may be off-- but the rest is the story.
the night the cops came- i was up all night. it happens-- mostly when i am stressed-- or manic-- i was both.
i don't know -- i have to go now-- i'm a wreck at the moment-- i just wanted to let you know i was still alive--
as for soul jr.--- that is what i want to talk to you about. and i think i may just break like the china doll that i always try hard not to be.
perhaps i am not tougher than most like i sometimes say.
she relapsed over the weekend-- she took ALOT of MY fuckin meds. we didn't know til the cops were here-- she only -- ugh. i'll get to more detail later. but its gonna kill me i'm afraid. i just don't have the strength to deal with this.
an example-- on monday at group-- even before all this info came up---- on monday i fell apart in group-- they don't see me talk or cry so much. they were very concerned-- and my counselor MADE me see my shrink-- she paged her to see me -- unscheduled-- they both wanted to put me inpatient cuz i was such a mess. BUT i was "safe".. i had to convince them i was only emotional..not suicidal-- or in a need to hurt myself in any way.
obviously they believed me..and i was here for all the things that happened. if i wasn't -- i woulda fell apart--even worse than i am right now.
i'll be back peeps.
be happy today-- it could always be worse.
right -- charlotte-- and jamie? i know there's more.. smocha.
my baby could be dead today--- from what she said about the amount and what she remembers taking-- she honestly could have died. and that scares the livin shit out of me. i didnt know these details, or seriousness , amount type nuthin till this morning.
worst part?? she is having physical and mental effects today -- WTF. is it gonna be permanent? please pray for her. if you have an ounce of God in you .. pray for my soulkid.
wtf people-- i'm thinkin Armageddon..or simply hell.
either way it's the end of the world as we know it. at least as the way I know it.
i shall return this afternoon.
love and peace to y'all
(no time to proofread--sorry--but i hope you are fluent in typo)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
told ya so
mornin folks!
it all just makes me wanna go fishin. the weather has been pretty good here lately-- out of the last seven days we pushed 70 degrees at least four of them. today was one of em too. i just had too much goin on, and too much on my mind to even consider it. well, i did consider it-- but i am just too far behind on shit to spend time fishin right now. dammit.
it really seems like forever since i--or we-- have been fishin. and man-o-man, i miss it.
Inspired by the song "Bad Moon Rising" Creedence Clearwater Revival :
I see the bad moon arising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin.
I see bad times today.
Chorus:
Dont go around tonight,
Well, its bound to take your life,
Theres a bad moon on the rise.
I hear hurricanes ablowing.
I know the end is coming soon.
I fear rivers over flowing.
I hear the voice of rage and ruin.
Chorus
All right!
Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
Looks like were in for nasty weather.
One eye is taken for an eye.
Chorus
Chorus
=============thought i got the video here --not. -- i'm just exhausted. sorry.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////
didn't i tell you it would be a hell day today for me? well, if you missed it-- it's in the below post, from this morning. now, i'm sure some of you will say "be careful what you say--"
others may say--"you could have started your day over at any time."
well, at least those are some of the re-butts ya hear in alcoholics anonymous, when a person is being negative. and i was in my morning post. but it was the truth--- and the truth hurts sometimes.
sooooooo anyways---- it was too late for either -- from the moment i woke up til-- this moment-- that i happen to STILL be awake.
this day sucked for just about everyone-- and everything i know. that's not many, we all know that-- but - hell day, it was. and not only for me.
it sucked for the entire family. even the dogs had a rough day. shit, the cats even had a crappy day. and so did thing 2 -- the girl from the mall who witnessed soulman tackle assclown. UGH. what a fiasco. i know that's not the right word, but ya have to admit-- it sounds better than "nightmare.
right?
where the hell do i start though? there's just soooo damn much to tell. well... prolly most , i shouldn't even put here-- but -- this is what i do-- and if it's too -- "whatever" ---for anyone -- well.. skip it eh?
hmmm,well, that rude little quip just answered my question. "start from the beginning." isn't that what "they" say? i'm not sure i remember the beginning of this day. or the middle-- and i can't really say that it's even ended yet-- cuz i haven't been to sleep. i woke up monday at about 8 am...and now it's tuesday--and, almost 515 a.m. ugh.
i'm beginning to think i should just shut up. and draft save--or delete this post. but then again..i've already invested a lot of time in this-- so i spose i'll just finish it and leave it, and let the shit fall where it may.
ok.. folks-- here we go--> the beginning, pretty much started last night. so let's go there for a while. (originally i started with the animals-- but moved them down.. in priority order-- i think.)
<----------- that pic ovah there? that would be my child: " incognito soul jr." (sushi is her "mask"). well.. anyone who knows a damn thing about an alcoholic or an addict, knows that recovery-- quitting use of such things-- all of it-- not just one or the other; we all know it isn't will power. it isn't anything less than a spiritual thing. not always God to ALL 12 steppers--- but a higher power... to me it's God, and to most it is God... to some it could be any number of things. i had a friend overseas--- her HP, was "the ocean". (yes i know, i saw your eyes roll) -- but she was a good person, and if that's what she beleived in-- it is what helped her lose her craving for alcohol. well.. sk-jr is having some trouble in the higher power department. with that problem... that is , if i am looking for an excuse--- is preventing her from staying off the drugs and shit. yes, she relapsed--again. she did at about 40 days--- then this weekend she had about 100 days clean and sober--- and she used and drank. and it breaks my heart to watch. i am happy that she told us--about both times, at least we can get her help when it happens, or get her to a na meeting. but i'm begining to wonder. is she gonna be one of the ones who doesn't make it???? i can't help but think that way. it is killin me. just killin me. and tonight-- which was actually last night--- her and her dad got into a screaming match. that hasn't happened in a long time. i have been just loving the way she has been treating both of us. hugs, kisses, calm level tone when she talks to us. no one has yelled or even had to in three months. not daily anyhow. and NUTHIN like last night. i don't know how my --- our---lives became this way. but while they were arguing....i'll get to the "STUPID WHY" in a few. anyhow-- i had a damn migraine--- i don't even know if it was a new one or the one from this morning--i mean yesterday morning. all i know- is my head HURT. and nothin was helping it--and them SCREAMING at the top of their lungs--- ugh-- i wanted to just go somewhere in my car--- i just didn't know where--- so ya know what i did???? i called the cops! i sure did. they came out-- one talked to hubby, and one talked to jr. kinda the good cop bad cop too. the kid got the firm, threatening, fear of jail and God put into her---and soulman, he got the one that was able to calm a 300 pound extremely hurt and angry man. ugh. oh? me? anyone wonder that part? i went to my "happy place"--- it's not really a happy place-- it's just a blank place-- it's dark and music plays, and i can't hear my surroundings. much. anyhow the cops got them both settled down (speaking in different rooms.) and they left. it aint over tho-- i know it aint over. there is more to this story-- but i won't fault them any more than i already have. but i do have good reason to be afraid for my kid. and it tears me apart. maybe it always will. i can only pray NOT. so anyhow--- what started the drama???? soulkid had just got home from a outpatient group meeting--- she was in a good mood, she hugged me, she talked to me, she got ready for bed---it was late-- like 1030 or 11pm... (it was like 130 when i called the cops.---anyhow-- yep it was 1130-ish, and the kid that went to group with soulkid---her mom called--- she told soulman, her daughter had taken "a bottle" of anti depressents !!! RIGHT after--or before getting home from counseling?!!! she called from the emergency room. we can assume and hope that they got there soon enough. God, i hope she's ok. So-- soulman was only going to ask soulkid about it-- did the kid go anywhere, talk to anyone-- say anything? etc. and that was that-- the kid blew up on her dad. he is a big man, and he will not be yelled at by a 14 yr. old-- especially over this kinda thing. it was 130-- after they had argued back and forth-- killing my head--- and soulkid runnin down the street--- at 1230-- omg it was horrible to witness-- but i thank God -- once again..that hubby is not abusive to her. i couldn't handle that, if they hit each other--or if he hit her. i drove out and picked her up-- the fight continued the cops were called-- they went to bed---and needless to say i am ruined for the day. one more thing-- well... i'll have to write a part two--it won't be near as long as this, but i'm friggin blind and alarm hell is starting. but when you hear MY monday morning--and combine it with my monday night--- it's just frickin BS. and i just don't kknow what to do. except for now-- i gotta pee-- so i do hope y'all have happy days out there. no tellin what this day will send my way first of all the cats were out of food until like 7 pm. poor babies were starved, but that was the first chance i had to get more food. they did love me for it tho. now, if only we could keep sushi from gettin her dumb ass up on the table to eat it-- things in that department might be just a bit better. next, we'll move on to Eevee... our poor poor eevee. i'll put a short video of her up here, so yall can see just how healthy she looked and was maybe a year or so ago--it was taken before we got her-- obviously. she was a champion shutzhund dog... full of life , love, and energy.
eevee at her best
then someone else kept her for a while-- and they abused her. when we got her she was still full of love and life etc... but it is very obvious that someone has abused her in the past. she's getting to trust us all more now-- and of course--- i did what i said i wouldn't-- i feed her-- i water her-- i love her-- i put her out to potty-- i am her mommy. and i did not ever want to love another dog after losing midnight. but here i am, in love with eevee-- and her with me. she is soulmans dog-- she just sees me more . so-- a couple nights ago- i was sittin on the floor sorting through some tax papers... when eevee came over and sat on me. :)) she does that often, but only on the floor-- or my legs if i'm at the desk. but we were on the floor and she rolled over for a belly rub. how could i refuse? she's such a sweetheart. so i was rubbing her belly-- and i noticed a lump. not just any lump. not a mole-- not a tick... it is a LUMP -- it is the size of a lime?! and it is on her breast! do dogs get breast cancer? it is huge.
not to be crude -- sorry if you take it that way-- but the best way to describe the way it feels?---- it feels a lot like testicles!!! no shit. we are worried sick-- but y'all know--well, some of you-- that we aren't allowed to take her to the vet-- or certainly a possible surgery or biopsy -- or whatever----- without the consent--- not to mention the money-- from the co-owner. so holy shit peeps.
if we lose another dog ...(i aint even gonna finish that sentence.) it better NOT happen THIS month tho-- nuthin else bad better happen this month. i'm barely scrapin by as it is.
(i don't have a pic of her lump-- but you see the video--and that's a pic from a couple months ago. )
I see the bad moon arising.
I see trouble on the way.
I see earthquakes and lightnin.
I see bad times today.
Chorus:
Dont go around tonight,
Well, its bound to take your life,
Theres a bad moon on the rise.
I hear hurricanes ablowing.
I know the end is coming soon.
I fear rivers over flowing.
I hear the voice of rage and ruin.
Chorus
All right!
Hope you got your things together.
Hope you are quite prepared to die.
Looks like were in for nasty weather.
One eye is taken for an eye.
Chorus
Chorus
=============thought i got the video here --not. -- i'm just exhausted. sorry.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////
didn't i tell you it would be a hell day today for me? well, if you missed it-- it's in the below post, from this morning. now, i'm sure some of you will say "be careful what you say--"
others may say--"you could have started your day over at any time."
well, at least those are some of the re-butts ya hear in alcoholics anonymous, when a person is being negative. and i was in my morning post. but it was the truth--- and the truth hurts sometimes.
sooooooo anyways---- it was too late for either -- from the moment i woke up til-- this moment-- that i happen to STILL be awake.
this day sucked for just about everyone-- and everything i know. that's not many, we all know that-- but - hell day, it was. and not only for me.
it sucked for the entire family. even the dogs had a rough day. shit, the cats even had a crappy day. and so did thing 2 -- the girl from the mall who witnessed soulman tackle assclown. UGH. what a fiasco. i know that's not the right word, but ya have to admit-- it sounds better than "nightmare.
right?
where the hell do i start though? there's just soooo damn much to tell. well... prolly most , i shouldn't even put here-- but -- this is what i do-- and if it's too -- "whatever" ---for anyone -- well.. skip it eh?
hmmm,well, that rude little quip just answered my question. "start from the beginning." isn't that what "they" say? i'm not sure i remember the beginning of this day. or the middle-- and i can't really say that it's even ended yet-- cuz i haven't been to sleep. i woke up monday at about 8 am...and now it's tuesday--and, almost 515 a.m. ugh.
i'm beginning to think i should just shut up. and draft save--or delete this post. but then again..i've already invested a lot of time in this-- so i spose i'll just finish it and leave it, and let the shit fall where it may.
ok.. folks-- here we go--> the beginning, pretty much started last night. so let's go there for a while. (originally i started with the animals-- but moved them down.. in priority order-- i think.)
<----------- that pic ovah there? that would be my child: " incognito soul jr." (sushi is her "mask"). well.. anyone who knows a damn thing about an alcoholic or an addict, knows that recovery-- quitting use of such things-- all of it-- not just one or the other; we all know it isn't will power. it isn't anything less than a spiritual thing. not always God to ALL 12 steppers--- but a higher power... to me it's God, and to most it is God... to some it could be any number of things. i had a friend overseas--- her HP, was "the ocean". (yes i know, i saw your eyes roll) -- but she was a good person, and if that's what she beleived in-- it is what helped her lose her craving for alcohol. well.. sk-jr is having some trouble in the higher power department. with that problem... that is , if i am looking for an excuse--- is preventing her from staying off the drugs and shit. yes, she relapsed--again. she did at about 40 days--- then this weekend she had about 100 days clean and sober--- and she used and drank. and it breaks my heart to watch. i am happy that she told us--about both times, at least we can get her help when it happens, or get her to a na meeting. but i'm begining to wonder. is she gonna be one of the ones who doesn't make it???? i can't help but think that way. it is killin me. just killin me. and tonight-- which was actually last night--- her and her dad got into a screaming match. that hasn't happened in a long time. i have been just loving the way she has been treating both of us. hugs, kisses, calm level tone when she talks to us. no one has yelled or even had to in three months. not daily anyhow. and NUTHIN like last night. i don't know how my --- our---lives became this way. but while they were arguing....i'll get to the "STUPID WHY" in a few. anyhow-- i had a damn migraine--- i don't even know if it was a new one or the one from this morning--i mean yesterday morning. all i know- is my head HURT. and nothin was helping it--and them SCREAMING at the top of their lungs--- ugh-- i wanted to just go somewhere in my car--- i just didn't know where--- so ya know what i did???? i called the cops! i sure did. they came out-- one talked to hubby, and one talked to jr. kinda the good cop bad cop too. the kid got the firm, threatening, fear of jail and God put into her---and soulman, he got the one that was able to calm a 300 pound extremely hurt and angry man. ugh. oh? me? anyone wonder that part? i went to my "happy place"--- it's not really a happy place-- it's just a blank place-- it's dark and music plays, and i can't hear my surroundings. much. anyhow the cops got them both settled down (speaking in different rooms.) and they left. it aint over tho-- i know it aint over. there is more to this story-- but i won't fault them any more than i already have. but i do have good reason to be afraid for my kid. and it tears me apart. maybe it always will. i can only pray NOT. so anyhow--- what started the drama???? soulkid had just got home from a outpatient group meeting--- she was in a good mood, she hugged me, she talked to me, she got ready for bed---it was late-- like 1030 or 11pm... (it was like 130 when i called the cops.---anyhow-- yep it was 1130-ish, and the kid that went to group with soulkid---her mom called--- she told soulman, her daughter had taken "a bottle" of anti depressents !!! RIGHT after--or before getting home from counseling?!!! she called from the emergency room. we can assume and hope that they got there soon enough. God, i hope she's ok. So-- soulman was only going to ask soulkid about it-- did the kid go anywhere, talk to anyone-- say anything? etc. and that was that-- the kid blew up on her dad. he is a big man, and he will not be yelled at by a 14 yr. old-- especially over this kinda thing. it was 130-- after they had argued back and forth-- killing my head--- and soulkid runnin down the street--- at 1230-- omg it was horrible to witness-- but i thank God -- once again..that hubby is not abusive to her. i couldn't handle that, if they hit each other--or if he hit her. i drove out and picked her up-- the fight continued the cops were called-- they went to bed---and needless to say i am ruined for the day. one more thing-- well... i'll have to write a part two--it won't be near as long as this, but i'm friggin blind and alarm hell is starting. but when you hear MY monday morning--and combine it with my monday night--- it's just frickin BS. and i just don't kknow what to do. except for now-- i gotta pee-- so i do hope y'all have happy days out there. no tellin what this day will send my way first of all the cats were out of food until like 7 pm. poor babies were starved, but that was the first chance i had to get more food. they did love me for it tho. now, if only we could keep sushi from gettin her dumb ass up on the table to eat it-- things in that department might be just a bit better. next, we'll move on to Eevee... our poor poor eevee. i'll put a short video of her up here, so yall can see just how healthy she looked and was maybe a year or so ago--it was taken before we got her-- obviously. she was a champion shutzhund dog... full of life , love, and energy.
eevee at her best
(the video screwed up-- it plays but only about 15 seconds of it..it's still cool)
then someone else kept her for a while-- and they abused her. when we got her she was still full of love and life etc... but it is very obvious that someone has abused her in the past. she's getting to trust us all more now-- and of course--- i did what i said i wouldn't-- i feed her-- i water her-- i love her-- i put her out to potty-- i am her mommy. and i did not ever want to love another dog after losing midnight. but here i am, in love with eevee-- and her with me. she is soulmans dog-- she just sees me more . so-- a couple nights ago- i was sittin on the floor sorting through some tax papers... when eevee came over and sat on me. :)) she does that often, but only on the floor-- or my legs if i'm at the desk. but we were on the floor and she rolled over for a belly rub. how could i refuse? she's such a sweetheart. so i was rubbing her belly-- and i noticed a lump. not just any lump. not a mole-- not a tick... it is a LUMP -- it is the size of a lime?! and it is on her breast! do dogs get breast cancer? it is huge.
not to be crude -- sorry if you take it that way-- but the best way to describe the way it feels?---- it feels a lot like testicles!!! no shit. we are worried sick-- but y'all know--well, some of you-- that we aren't allowed to take her to the vet-- or certainly a possible surgery or biopsy -- or whatever----- without the consent--- not to mention the money-- from the co-owner. so holy shit peeps.
if we lose another dog ...(i aint even gonna finish that sentence.) it better NOT happen THIS month tho-- nuthin else bad better happen this month. i'm barely scrapin by as it is.
(i don't have a pic of her lump-- but you see the video--and that's a pic from a couple months ago. )
it all just makes me wanna go fishin. the weather has been pretty good here lately-- out of the last seven days we pushed 70 degrees at least four of them. today was one of em too. i just had too much goin on, and too much on my mind to even consider it. well, i did consider it-- but i am just too far behind on shit to spend time fishin right now. dammit.
it really seems like forever since i--or we-- have been fishin. and man-o-man, i miss it.
Monday, March 2, 2009
i feel a bad day comin
i slept late today--- like two hours longer than i planned to. and i am supposed to be somewhere at 9. will i make it? i have no idea. i have to take a shower, and a bunch of other crap before i can leave-- and i have to have half an hour driving time. soooo-- this being fort worth-- YOU do the math. ugh. my clock (which is my phone) is hereby fired ! i haven't heard it or woken up to it in months.i shouldn't complain tho-- cuz most of the last 13 years..i didnt even need an alarm. but since most days i do now-- i must have a clock my deaf ears can hear.
in a way tho, i'm glad i didn't wake up at 3 or 4 today.. cuz <----- THAT is how i felt when i got up-- not to mention
<----- THIS too. late, and in pain. my head feels---felt like it was gonna blow off my shoulders--- and my frickin back has been hurting, and having that burning nerve shit goin on for days. i have pain meds... they do help-- but i have sawed thru them so fast lately due to this crap--- that i broke down and got aspirin a few days ago. i KNOW i'm not supposed to take it-- and i haven't in months... not since i was told i had a belly bleed , and never to take it--or derivatives ever again. but i just can't stand the pain anymore. the measly 30 pain pills a month i do get-- rx'd every 4-6 hours--- ha!.. do the math there too--- that doesn't work. i do take about 2-3 a day-- so yep-- within 10-12 days -- they're gone-- so what happens the next two weeks of the month? yep-- i suffer. so-- i had to get the asperin-- which---on blood thinners alone is a no-no...so-- ugh. i just hate fuckin doctors. all of them. selfish motherfuckin bastards--- all they worry about is themselves. i really don't see how a dr. could get in trouble rx'ing long term meds to someone who really needs them. pain alone causes someone to be depressed--- and i can't say it doesn't just drive me mad. ok , i'm done with that rant--this time.
i just suppose this is as good as it gets... and i spose that has to be good enough. so i'll move to goodenough rd. maybe it'll remind me too stop bitchin.
and just accept that this is how i will look and feel ... until ---well.. just until .
like it---- or not.it's the life i was given... and perhaps this really is as good as it gets. so i may as well get used to it.
and on that happy note--- i am outta heah!
see ya latah peeps---
have happy days in your worlds today!
i'll get back to you on mine...
Sunday, March 1, 2009
the rest of the storeeeeee - - -
howdy peeps-
i would say good mornin, but -
well... it isn't morning yet--
technically at least.
it's 4:30 a.m. - my my how time flies!
i don't remember what time i went to bed/sleep--
but i do know i woke up around 2 a.m.
y'all know how much i love that.
erg!
i thought i'd get a drink of water and go back to bed--
did it happen that way?
ummm... obviously not.
cuz here i sit-
talkin to y'all.
beats talkin to myself i reckon eh?
so anyways---
lots of folks are askin for the details of the words exchanged the other night between soulman and assclown.
well...
[hold on i neeed mo' coffee :)) ]
i would say good mornin, but -
well... it isn't morning yet--
technically at least.
it's 4:30 a.m. - my my how time flies!
i don't remember what time i went to bed/sleep--
but i do know i woke up around 2 a.m.
y'all know how much i love that.
erg!
i thought i'd get a drink of water and go back to bed--
did it happen that way?
ummm... obviously not.
cuz here i sit-
talkin to y'all.
beats talkin to myself i reckon eh?
so anyways---
lots of folks are askin for the details of the words exchanged the other night between soulman and assclown.
well...
[hold on i neeed mo' coffee :)) ]
k. i'm back.
i decided i'd had enough coffee--
so i switched to something i 'think' i invented-
back in the day when i gave up alcohol.
'club soda, with grape juice-on ice.'
may not sound good to you-- but hey,
'don't knock it til ya try it.'
ok where were we?
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
ahhhh yes... some questions and comments on our eventful evening at the mall.
well--- i did answer a lot more than i planned to in the comments below-- but i'll go ahead and write any more that i think of here.
so check the below post comment box too..if'n ya want.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////
first, let's all start with a belated happy birthday to BRAD!
woo hoo
happy birthday Bradly---
hope it was the best ever!
Click Here For Myspace Graphics at GraphicsHunt.com - Myspace Layouts
++++++++++++
NEXT -- smocha with her "20 questions" :))
she wrote :
Boy do I wish I could have been there to see it. Damn ,I miss everything. I bet Soulman WOULD scare the doody right our of some punk kid.
--- HOLY CRAP, NO KIDDIN... ... BAMBI- lol
*
yep--
funny yet scary all at the same time--
but i told ya-- or someone-- i can't say too much on here.
yep--
funny yet scary all at the same time--
but i told ya-- or someone-- i can't say too much on here.
never incriminate yourself in a panic. just never write anything down, and never post it.
*
Next, did soulman think 2 tell her parents this tale ? If so, what did they have to say about their kid witnessing such an event? *
SHE SAID IT DIDN'T BOTHER HER, AND SHE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY! HAHAHA--- HER MOM WAS HAPPY ABOUT IT TOO. [oops/caps]*
Did the original Soulkid hear the tale? What did she say about it? *
SHE WAS THRILLED , AND PROUD OF US. :))
*
Dang, am I the only one this nosey?
*
APPARENTLY NOT :))
*
*
--- WE DO!
*
---[ well, surely you are aware of the fact, smocha, that if i were to repeat the what was said- -- especially in writing--- it just may not go over too well, if found by the wrong person. ya know. that's about all i can say on that part-- i can't quote the soulman, cuz i heard nuthiiiing. :))*
[as for telling thing 2's parents--- hubby did call her on our way after dealing with asshat hell. only to let her know that he wanted to talk to her when we got there-- and that NO, it didn't involve her child. --- good lord, half the parents in this town.. and radius of twenty miles have been affected by this guy-- and the trust level and fear quotient involving "our" kids, has been -- damaged, to say the least.
SO, we get to her house and we all pile in. "mom's" at the door with the "omg, what now" look on her face. again soulman reassured her that her daughter was good, BUT-
he then proceeded to tell her about the event with bastard child. yes , he did apologize to thing 2 for witnessing his actions... and he explained he wanted 'mom'; to hear it from him rather than the teenhead version. he was sorry. it was a pretty dramatic thing. so anyhow--
== of course soulkid heard the tale-- she was thrilled. she hugged me when she got home, and told her dad "she was so happy he did that". she called him "a beast"-- in a good way-- and thought that him tackling this punk , in her defense-- was the most awesome thing he has ever done.
that fucker broke her heart and spirit--- and i do believe that she feels vindicated . and she's proud of her dad.. "the beast". LOL
and me too-- cuz her friend who was with us, told her how i got up in his dumbass face too. i'm cool now too , in the eyes of soulkid-- what a concept.
////////////////////////////////
thing 2's mother was also happy about it. i'm sure the size of soulman makes every parent involved happy about this--- because y'all know-- a 100 pound soaking wet little child molester-- up against a 300 pound very angry ,"stranger" --- can be no less than terrifying. dontya think?? bwa hahahahah.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
hiya joz--
oh ya-- he's had it comin-- and there IS more where that came from. but we don't want jail. hopefully one of the children he plays with is tougher than him, and kicks HIS ass. wouldn't that be somethin? oooh i can't wait to see him after every freakin piercing gets pulled out of his stoopid face!
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
DDD-
all the ? smocha asked have been answered.
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
well , there ya have it---
"The Rest Of The Story"
poor paul harvey ,
with his tag line and popular radio show--
"the rest of the story"
poor paul harvey ,
with his tag line and popular radio show--
"the rest of the story"
he has recently died at the age of 90.
i wrote about him once a while back-
i think i would like some of his shows on tape--well, cd.
i wrote about him once a while back-
i think i would like some of his shows on tape--well, cd.
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
NOW, if only i could manage to stay awake on this thing i might be alright.
i haven't done so well on this-- falling asleep every ten minutes.
(if you attempted a read earlier---
i do hope this time makes a bit more sense.
sleep blogging is just not a good thing to do.
X
so anyhow-- i better go-
that's about all i got for now
i'm tired.
happy days to y'all
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