it's 6 a.m have you seen my brain?

yep-- that really is my car ---
i told ya 333 is not good luck..

mornin peoples--


i just can't get it together folks. i swear i think the psycho hospital must've done something to my brain.. like electric shock-- or maybe a lobotomy ! that i don't remember.
my memory hasn't been "right" for several years-- but lately-- since a day or two before i got out of the hoosegow -- my memory is just CRAP! not as bad as when i was in , or even a couple days later-- but i still just don't remember stuff.
a few examples? for one-- i can be cruisin blogs... and i will read a post-- that to me, is new..or one i haven't seen before-- then i'll go to comment on it-- and guess what? there I am.. having already commented a day or two before. sometimes even that morning! i have to say, i am getting quite upset about it.
another thing? the most recent being just this morning... i woke up around five-ish ... i started to just try to go back to sleep-- then i thought - "oh hell, it's saturday !" -- "maybe i can grab my buddy on chat--if she's up.."

well guess what? y'all, i'm sure y'all already know this-- but it's flippin TUESDAY! WTH???
aaaand i feel just about like
<--------- HIM! ugh.





i'm beginning to get pissed off at my neuro doc-- i really think he didn't see the importance of my (new and worse) memory problem--
but he could have and should have at least looked at the MRI films.
i want to know what "lesions" are on my brain-- and what that means. and if it has anything to do with my memory. or a stroke-- like the other doc said--who did the mri. this is my brain folks-- if i get any worse with my memory-- or moods--or any of these stupid things goin on lately--- someone better just do me in... i am not gonna go thru the rest of my life being a moron. ugh.

oh, before i forget :))
i have to ask y'all.... does this kid look creepy, or what? she looks like a friggin ax murder to me! it's a sandwich kid, chill the hell out!
ugh... freak-ay serial killer in the making, i say.

oh, so anyhow--

these are not MY fence-- but similar...



it's still dark outside-- but later on, i will try too get my own fence up here-- so you can see --- "if it aint one thing, it's another".... UGH

such as.. bein stuck right here and not able to write below those pics.
they just keep movin down as i type,
and it's quite irritating. :(
AHA-- i fixed it! (i hope.)

(THESE ARE MY FENCE ---)

(it's cuz i'm me ya know)

of course y'all know i will never
be caught up-
but , one can hope-
right?

ok anyhow-- not much else goin on around here. aside from the fact that i have a huge mess on my hands after a week of accomplishing very little around here. well.. i did get caught up on my kitchen..

yup-- dishes too! :))

and my umpteen loads of laundry-- of course that is a never ending task, much like the dishes.. but at least i'm not overwhelmed by those things today.

(oooh--she's got the right idea eh?)

(looks like MY couch, but it's not)

i also have most of my tax crap sorted.... that alone took DAYS. ok many hours a DAY--for DAYS. it wouldn't be so bad, if i could be more organized with the med , dr's, and rx rcts through the year-- then it would just be all right there when it was time to get on it. but noooooo----- i have to go thru every drawer, file, and cubby hole at tax time-- to find these rct's .. which in the end NEVER make a difference in our refund. so, why do i bother? i spose cuz i just have hope that one day-- all the cash i pour out for these things.. will come back in one way or another. ugh... there's just so many of theeem!



but, i do believe i am pretty close to just adding it all up now-- and there's ALOT.


i bet a third of our money goes to medical shit-- at least this year it did. ugh. i am not lookin forward to the total tally on that ... but rest assured, i'll be bitchin about it later. :))



alright peeps.. i reckon i shall get outta heah, and try to be productive today---

my never ending list is gonna be big as a quilt if i don't get off my arse early . and wouldn't ya know it-- speaking of medical bills-- i have a stupid appointment smack in the middle of the day--- i know after that, i will be outta gas-- it takes a lot out of a person when they hate their doc. (endocrinologist today).

so anyways-- y'all have happy days in your worlds today---
i don't expect happy in mine-- but busy is good-- sometimes.
laterz y'all...

the cat down there has the rythm for almost any song

too bad i can't dance anymore--- i lost my groove a LONG time ago.
what is it about the two small words "i do" ?
seems once those words were exchanged-- we never danced again. well, ok not never again-- but it is like a distant memory these days... and we used to go every single friday night. well, until -- you know.

anyhow-- i just thought i would check in with you folks... i'm behind again i know--
just kill me guys. i just can't seem to get or stay caught up with anything. ever. and now -- three days a week are half gone , before i even know what hit me. the outpatient thing takes more time than it should-- or than i thought it would.
is it worth it? hmm.. dunno yet. i only talked in there once (in the last hour it's when it gets down and dirty.) and so, i got in the hot seat-- somehow--- and off i went. it wasn't terrible... but it wasn't fun either.

so-- like i said -- i'm goin to bed -- before i babble like a brook..
speakin of a brook-- where's summer? spring would be ok too. i wanna go fishin.

oh well-- all in it's own time.
i was gonna say -- all in good time... but the word good, just doesn't fit lately--

hoping you all are happy in your worlds--
:))
toodles!

dance with me

Click Here For Myspace Graphics at GraphicsHunt.com - Myspace Layouts

my give a damn's busted

so is my thinker. i have been sittin here for half an hour-- waiting for soulkid to get up--so she can have the first shower. yep-- three of us sharing one shower is pretty much a bitch , but -- ugh .. let's not go there.




but anyhow-- it has been a total waste of my get ready time.. because -- you prolly remember-- she doesn't have to get up anymore-- not at 5 or 6 at least-- because-- she doesn't need to be dropped off at school anymore.
have i mentioned that my memory is busted too?



however, i DO need to get on the ball about this homeschool thing. her books and stuff showed up in the mail yesterday. all.. 300.00 worth of it. this better be what she wants-- and she better be willing to do the work for it. i've heard good things about homeschool-- but of course it has it's pitfalls too. i'm not ready to deal with motivating her for school "here".. but i did get a new--new to me.. desk..and am passing my old one down to her-- so at least she can have a "work environment" aand hopefully do what's expecting of her. ugh. i'm not looking forward to it-- but there is online help with it-- tutors etc.. so it just may not be so bad. (my lack of schoolness knowledge i mean).

anyone got a match?

so-- i have my outpatient group thing goin on this morning. i go from 9-12.. but leave around 815 or so. if i'm motivated to get ready-- and today-- i'm just not.

but i gotta do what i gotta do. ugh.


i don't know what else to say here.. obviously my mind is on several different things-- and responsibilities of all of the soulclan-- and some of y'all.


and what a lovely can-o-worms this has turned out to be- i even got the mysterious underlining from nowhere.
good thing we have a therapy hog in group--
seriously-- she takes the entire group time on herself. but hey-- gives the rest of us time to not think about our own stuff. this gals much worse a basket case than the rest of us. ugh.




but hey-- the more she talks about herself-- the less i have to talk about my shit. bah. she really is hard to deal with tho-- ugh. maybe if i hit her in the head-- she'll realize the rest of us are payin this place too--- and NOT to be HER counselor. eegads-- she even overwhelms the counselor.

welp--time sure flies when ya have shit to do. but it drags it's ass on the slow boring days.





speaking of today---
check out the weather comin my way-- i do believe that fishin is order-- soon!

Sunny	Partly Cloudy/Wind	Mostly Sunny	Partly Cloudy	Partly Cloudy
High: 72° Low: 49°	High: 57° Low: 32°	High: 62° Low: 39°	High: 68° Low: 46°	High: 75° Low: 57°

well that looks like shit-- but check those numbers-- that's like winnin the lotto for me !! 70;s ? WOO HOOO!!!

i hope y'all are having good days in your worlds--
i'm tryin.
seems the best i can do lately.
i'm still not gettin very far though.
ugh

welp-- times a wastin--- and i gotsta go-
laterz

i thought i had somethin to say---

but i was wrong....
maybe tomorrow?

soulland update -- frazzled

hi peoples. well, to the ones who still take the time to swing by anyhow.
i know i've been suckin at posting...and checkin in on y'all too. sorry for that.
sorry seems to be the word of the day around here lately. i think it comes just as natural as good morning-- or have a good day anymore.
there has been so much goin on out here these past several months-- i couldn't summarize it if you paid me. just trust me when i say-- it's been just about more than i can handle. but-- i do my best to hold on and function the best i can.
of course-- i don't think i could call isolating, functioning. but hey-- i'm still breathin-- and that is usually a good sign.
but-- (yep, there's the but.. you know what i say about that right? "everything after but--is bullshit.") i guess there is some truth in that. only because but-- precedes some sort of excuse. or even a rationalization. and i don't know if i should bother with either.
i've been having trouble posting here.. it seems everything that falls out of my mouth--well, fingers.. really is bullshit. trying to explain away my messed up thinking--or feeling-- or even my situation. i just get so sick of this never ending, never changing, black hole that i've been sucked into. i don't see a way out-- and maybe i don't want to. perhaps marinating in my misery, is where i need to be for a while. i just don't know.

some of you know that i went on "chantix" to help me quit smoking. even after all the warnings on the package-- saying it may not be good for people with mental diagnosis.. it may not mix with certaqin meds etc... i went on it- and the part that bugs me the most? it was working! i bet i wouldn't even be smoking anymore at this point-- but-- i had to stop taking it. i was one of the lucky ones, who had the messed up side effects. the shit really messed with my head. in so doing, it messed up a lot of other things in my life. nothing i expect anyone to understand-- but it threw me for a loop. bi-polar-- meds-- and life changes and problems-- do not make chantix a good alternative. so i guess i will smoke til a cigarette is pried from my cold dead fingers--- or -- i don't know. maybe til i burn the house down.
i don't know how fast rumor control runs thru blogland-- i personally try to stay away from the gossip and crap. but as far as my disapearing act from blogland recently-- i was in an inpatient psyche ward. yep-- it got that bad. sometimes i wonder what keeps me goin when i get "like that" ... i never get the answers tho. all i get is pissed. ok-- and a med adjustment-- which usually helps get my head straight. too bad it doesn't work as well on my heart. i always come out just as confused as i was when i went in.
this time-- i think it made me worse. to an extent anyhow. oh hell, i don't even know what i'm saying. i should just leave it alone i reckon. i'm not trying to excuse it anyhow-- just trying to explain. seems that both are one in the same anymore tho.
i'm not likin my life these days. ha! when have i-right? but lately-- everything just seems so damn out of place---off kilter---or flat out wrong.
i try to distract myself with small tasks-- but that never gets very far. i get dostracted from the distraction, and end up doing something totally NOT what i started with.

so-- did i mention that i went inpatient psyche? that's where i disappeared for about a week. it was for a med adjustment/change.. but it turned out to be a big mess. i had another seizure there-- my memory got worse that ever ever ever.. i had a mri of my head... but they said the involuntary movements of my legs-- twithes or something-- gave it a poor reading. but they did say there were lesions on my brain, and evidence of a "deep stroke". but , when i saw my neuro a few days ago-- he pretty much blew all that off. without even looking at the scan. he read the report-- but that is so vague it didnt help any. so-- i still know nuthing. ugh. my brain.. but no one wants to tell me a thing about it. peachy eh?

did i mention i'm in an outpatient program now?
did i mention my kid went inpatient drug rehab? or that she is also in an outpatient program now too.? (for the 2nd time).
along with going to NA meetings several times a week.
did i tell you that i withdrew her from school yesterday-- to home school her--at minimum for the rest of this school year? or how bout that i don't know the first frickin thing about homeschooling--or-- high school math. ERG

have i mentioned that i am just fuckin overwhelmed with all of this?

did i mention also- that she goes before the judge today-- at 1 ? she had been in the hospital twice--and two outpatient programs.. she never had the time to finish her community service. out of 60 hours, she may have completed 33. gareat. she really just didn't have time tho- we did what we could to help her-- but there's just not enough hours in a day-- esp with school on top of all that. how they think a kid is gonna get all that done , it's just beyond me.
if she doesnt show up for her hearing, -- it's a warrant for her arrest--- if she does show up-- it could be a almost three hundred dollar fine. i just hope the judge isn't an asshole-- and sees that she did what she could in the time that she had-- and lets her just go--maybe with probation.. yes, i know she did wrong-- and so does she-- but good lord.. the kid has to sleep ya know.

i'm ramblin aint i? maybe i should just shut my mouth. ya-- that sounds good for now.

take it easy in your worlds today--
i'm gonna hide in the shadows in mine.

bring it on

“When you have nothing to say, say nothing.”

Charles Caleb Colton

my cup overfloweth with lost time

THIS is amazing...
almost as amazing as the fact that i haven't posted here in days. wth?






anyhow-- hopefully y'all are well, and happy out there--

here's an old fish story for ya - (sunday part deux)

i was just havin a chat with one of my blog peoples-- and she reminded me-- well, made me think-- about one particular fish-tale i told on here about a year and a half ago. so-- seein as i was early to blogland at that time-- most of you haven't seen it--

so here ya go--
click right there :))
then come back and read the rest..

anyone ever hear of "that" before??
i haven't. not before or since.
seems i woulda been smart enough to be IN the pic with it..
but i didn't. i was afraid he'd bite me.

on that note-- i'm goin ta bed.

goo-nite y'all

someone told me i'm still alive

would y'all believe that it is 52 degrees (F) here in the great state of texas, right now?? oh but it is-- and i'm likin it. actually -- i'm hot-- i wish this could be the end of winter. i wanna be normal, i wanna wear my vans-- and shorts- i wanna go out to lunch. and i wanna go fishin--- half nekkid--- without freezin. what has happened to my life? i can't even grasp it all myself ya know. some of the stuff that has happened in this family over the past -- almost year or so-- it's tough to find words for. it has been a crazy ride. i'll tell ya that much.
i am not immune-- i have caused some harm to folks-- NOT physically-- but hurt is hurt. and i have been a pretty selfish gal for quite some time. not always.. but i have. and i have all but cut myself off from everyone-- yes-- y'all/ seein as all my friends live in the computer. :)) i think josie 2 shoes came up with that line. but it so fits. whoever thought of it.
back then.. we were like the three muskateers.. her, jamie, and me. then either we, or y'all made our way out into the bigger blogland -- and things slowed down a lot. or maybe i should say-- got faster. either we would find new or diferent blogs to read, and make friends with.. and the next thing we knew-- we were all linked up to like 20-30 more blogs. many the same-- some, the others didn't know. but in so doing-- our, possibly circle of five.. almost left us each on our own-- well, i mean finding people we were closer to-- either by location, or emotionally. then it was kinda like the "big blast" - whatever, right?

blogging , for me, obviously became my top priority. i was allowed tho-- bloging was my job. :))

i don't know how it happened really, but something changed. maybe we changed. i know that today, each of us are standing in different stages-- than when we met. back then.. we all had so much in common.. we would say the same thing at the same time. three bodies yet one mind.
and we have continued to change on our journey here.
people come, and people go. people dissapoint and people give us the strength that we need -- even if just for a day. my day was never complete til i "interacted" with my peeps.


each of us three had some major life issues. and maybe in search of something rather than tough times-- branched out a bit--- then we met all of y'all ... most of you were or are in that original...but larger..lil circle. so much has changed-- like for instance-- my throat feels like i swallowed a quart of sand at the moment-- so i ned to get somethin to drink. ahhhh, that's mo bettah-


blogging seemed to start to get in the way of real life. it gave me a way to isolate-- without feeling lonely. because i honestly did not leave my front door unless i absolutely had to. for the kid-- for food-- dr appointments--- yes i know that one surprised ya. :))
just the have to do's or have to haves would make me force myself out that door.-- and i'm sittin here thinkin... look how far you've come soul. yes--ask jamie -- i do talk to myself. :)) but anyhow , .. as much as i loved blogging, and meeting new people, seeing how much i shared in common with y'all, i wasn't so cripling sad, so consistently. but i also learned that i could actually care about someone -- outside of my locked doors.
hell... i learned that i actually did have the courage to leave the house. it began with fishing. believe it or not. soulkid had to go to summer school a couple grades ago-- but it only lasted about 6 or 8 weeks.. and i could drop her off ...come home..and blog alone. OR -- i could go fishin during that early morning bite-time, and then go get her. so i began to go fishin every single day of the week. ! that's my passion. l fishin and writin. but-- this past -- maybe year-- or six or 8 months.. who knows... anymore? i don't. life changed. i let more people in. and some actually found me interesting. me? how could that be? i don't even have a job. just a ex navy mechanic... with body and mind problems.
and ya know what? no one minded -- much. only a few have wavered-- come and gone. most of the first 12 or so folks still read and talk here. but even so-- without the friends i have here-- their advice--and prayers-- have gotten me to a diferent level in my life. i've learned so much from y'all. not only that i MUST get OUTSIDE. y'all also taught me coping skillz. ya know what i mean? just that some have really saved my life-- and i do mean that literally. fo-shizzle. :))

i just got a baaad feeling that i'm repeating myself. maybe i am , who knows? but i can't like it wen i do that.
i guess i lost my train of thought yet again.
maybe i was gonna say-- i guess i ended up saying stuff on here, and it was selfish of me to think that folks would understand. that's when i deleted about half of my posts. i still get sick stomach just thinkin about that. i got paranoid. i didn't want "new" folks knowing so much about me-- so once again... i let fear overrun my life. and deleted very much a part of me here in these pages.
ya know what-- i don't think i have a clue of what i'm even talkin about here.
obviously--not enough sleep-- again. and simply ERG. tough year.. and another already in the second month. 2008 was the longest -- maybe hardest and confusing -- of all my adult years. i had a lot of growing up to do-- and perhaps i still have more in front of me.

here's some past , present , and future -- to fill you in on a few things-- or nuthin.. who knows?
letsee.

anyhow-- yep i am being a bit avoidant--maybe quiet- of some things here. but i will say-- soulkid has been having lots of trouble this past -- at least the past year. longer really. perhaps.
i hate to put any blame on her actions-- but as a mom, i carry a lot of her stuff.
i hate to see her hurt. especially when i can't help.
and now you ask me "why could you not help..she's a kid. . right? well, i kinda know that kids don't talk about their parents muich-- not a cool topic at their ages i spose.
but i have had many health issues myself over the past year. mainly the new or diferent ones stick out in my mind--- like starting to have grandmal seizures-- convulsions. i've had 3 in the last.. 7 or 8 months i guess.

soulman was with me for the first-- the other two-- not sure.. 3rd i was asleep -- alone cuz soulman had gone out of town. then the third-- pretty recently, like in the last couple weeks or so.

i guess it took me and a pulmonery embolism. (blood clot in my lung.) that one almost killed me to show me that life isn't quite so bad. so when that happened i spent a week in the hospital--- and the next three weeks or so, in terrible pain, in bed. total waste of air. ugh. i thought i would never recover. i have tho-- well sort of. somethin like that takes a lot out of ya-- and i know you know how that can be.

there's just so much strange medical -- and yes mental too-- crap out here has really made me question my existance. i mean for real. i'm so isolated, yep still - or back at doin the hide out thing. so then THAT leads to more stress, and i just wonder-- a lot-- why God brings me so close to death-- and now so often.. and then.. i don't know.. he changes his mind?? it seems that as soon as i get a decent doctor--or yet another diagnosis.. i roll backwards down the hill i been trying to get over. i really wish i could finally find a doc who would really really dig deep, and lump my umpteen diagnoses into one. i keep thinkin gulf war syndrome..or lupus- and now epilepsy. it's insane, and i never feel good. and yet-- i think of y'all who are sick or in pain..-- my dad-- my father in law-- and the big C(ancer) > possibly comin right at me. ugh. so ya, that's my life wrapped up in a nut case. i skimmed some details to protect the innocent-- who in this case-- would be you :)

i guess this is where peeps say "God's not done with you yet". umm hello, could it be a smoother ride then??
seems everyone i know is sick in some way-- yes i know-- i don't know many peeps-- perhaps that's why i have such a bad time with just accepting, and living.. while i can. ya know? but i don't. i keep people at a distance-- i stay home-- or fish alone.. sometimes with soulman-- mostly i go while he is at
work on a nice day. i haven't been very much since it started gettin cold. i sure do love it tho. it's already hot here--and the sun isnt up! i really should be at my pond--RIGHT NOW. too lathargic though.

also, my damn med issues, don't help any. sometimes peep get mad at me, over something i have little to NO control over.
i had a brain scan done-- an mri - about a week or two ago-- it didn't look good. well-- didn't sound good. i didnt really see it. obviously. but the results-- original-rough draft results? i have lesions on my brain (2), and "evidence of a deep stroke. so-- wth is that? i don't even wanna hear myself talk about my medical isues. but this test- the brainscan--- showing lesions, me havin seizures, and the pain..oh lord the pain i'm in sometimes with headaches and migraines-- not to even mention the other pain.. it really makes me spend a lot of time in my head-- and my head isn't very nice to me. so apparently, my head already began disigning my headstone!. bah!

anways-- that's my mind in first gear. ok fifth gear-- my body is still stuck in first-- but i do believe the sun is about to show itself-- and i am outtah heah!!

THIS IS WHERE I WANNA BE

and later never came - - -

ola peeps. i'm still trying to get-- or keep in touch; it's really just been very busy here.
even now-- at 730 in the morning. ugh. i have crap that shoulda been done already. and i should be dressed and ready to head out right this minute. what am i doing instead? talkin to y'all. i like this better than gettin dressed and driving all morning, but hey-- this is how it goes sometimes. i really need to get back to making lists. i made one earlier in the week-- i think i completed ONE task that was on it-- and i doon't even know what it was. ERG.

i want my life back. yesssssss.... the one i used to bitch about all the time. i still could bitch... hell i prolly do--and just don't reckognize it.

i haven't even told y'all what was goin on during my "break". but don't worry-- i decided to keep that to myself-- and family. but i will tell ya this much-- i wasn't on a cruise-- and i wasn't havin an affair with a really hot guy. bummer-- i know people who do that-- or i have known.. i should say, but anyhow-- i'm just playin catchup -- for the five thousands time.

things kinda suck here in soulland lately. all three of us have our own shit to handle-- but it seems that none of us are really doing much to get the crap done-- or even started. of course the soulclan is the best at avoiding our own stuff-- and workin on one of the others' problems. it makes things tough. but i spose we're on the life boat now-- and not sitting idle on the sinking ship. so-- it's a start.

a couple of my peeps have had good things happen in their lives-- and i hope for each of them comes whatever it is they need from it.

anyhow-- i spose i'm just checkin in.

this is me-- waving hello--and goodbye to y'all... i gotta get crackin before i'm late. ugh. my middle name lately is LATE.. or not at all.

so i am outtah heah.

be happy in your worlds today--

and i will try to catchup with y'all later this afternoon.

and hey-- if you ended up with one of those yarri invites-- i don't know how it hit like all of my address book. but it did-- and i only accepted a couple invitations-- and sent an invite to soulman to see if it worked. obviously-- everyone got one.
i don't know how it works yet-- so someone needs to grab me later,

til then...
ores vois

i'll get a real post up later but till then-

this is very cute---- in a warped lil way. have a look. and hopefully a laugh-
i'll be around later ..
have happy days in your worlds today!

HA! and y'all thought i was the mental one

hi peeps!!!
i missed y'all. bunches. and thanks for comin over-- y'all ROCK !

so-- instead of going into all the grim details of my time away from blogland -- i decided that serious horse-crap like that, just shouldn't be my first post on my return. so--- i will save that for tomorrow.

for now, i will say, i was just "regrouping".
and then, ya just gotta watch this clip from utube.
i never watched this show-- and certainly, i've never had the desire to begin a collection of what this clip shows.

so-- well... just watch. i dare ya not to laugh.

i won't be here to watch your reactions... because i am goin to bed. so y'all have to tell me whatchya think.
who is more off their rocker-- me? or this guy?

good night peoples.

famous last words

hey folks-- i think this is just gonna be one of those -- "just write, and see what happens" , type posts. i've been feelin pretty crappy over the last few days. as if you didn't notice. right?
well.. i prolly don't need to tell you this -- but it's not just physical stuff that is pissin me off.
it's a lot of things. things that are out of my control. things i can't fix or change without seeming like a perfect fool. or bitch, for that matter.

i've just been in a funk for days. don't ask me what finally made me cave in. but somethin did. ya'll know -- there really "is always somethin" holding you back, or pushing you forward, dragging you down, or lifting you up. holding your hand, or biting it when you it feed it.

there's usually a "trigger" for me, and i usually can recognize it just before i begin the downward spiral or "an episode" like this. this time, i wasn't prepared. i thought things were getting better, and actually going rather well. til the trigger got tripped/ with no warning. that's when every wall, every structure, every 'thing' came crashing down around me. and it wasn't til yesterday that i even had a hint of it. a not so very subtle hint.

---- holy crap y'all... i just fell asleep! :))
why do people say that when they are writing? "i just fell asleep". they never say it til they wake up. why don't we say. "holy shit i just woke up"!
----------

blogging?! oh shit! i was.... WTH did i say? and where????

luckily, i am in my office, i might have done some sleep cruisin-- but that's just somethin i do sometimes. if i left nonsense on your page, feel free to remove it.
---------------------------


i obviously have no idea what to post about today. can ya tell? i have been looking at some new blogs lately-- some i find linked on other blogs, some i find online searching for other things . regardless... some of this stuff i come across just speaks to me. ya know? i don't mean "speaks to me" - in a crazy way. i mean it just maybe "gets to me" . like a bad tattoo, or even an evil image may emerge in my "sight". and just jumps up and beats me about the head and face, screaming for me to wake the hell up, and move on. saying to me that it's time to stop standing in one place and feeling that i can't move forward and make changes.

because we can all change our character and feelings. --- or so i've heard. i guess that's one thing i have the hardest time with. well, at least being consistent about. believing that i can change. that i can be different. become some semblance of "myself."

i just can't make myself feel that. i try. i get there sometimes. or perhaps i get very close to there. but it goes away. that "me" fades as quickly as "she" appears. i know how that sounded-- i haven't quite lost it all yet.

i am aware of what started this thought process--- all of it really. i'm a little bit smarter about my mental crap than it may seem sometimes. i mean , i have done literally years of research on this shit. and more. i do know. and i do know it wasn't one thing. it has been several things piling up, one after the other. i won't list them here. perhaps i should list them somewhere though. just because it might be a good thing to do. i don't know. maybe because i know i'll forget all of it in about five minutes. but ya know, at this point, it is all so overwhelming i just can't tell ya a clear thought in my head.

yesterday, i worked around the house. a lot. ya prolly couldn't tell by lookin. in fact .. you can't. but i was on my feet for almost all of the day. i noticed ants in my pantry. actually i noticed them the day i got home from iowa. but y'all already know -- 1- i have no memory. 2- i don't eat much.
therefore--- i had good intentions to clean out the pantry for days--- BUT i kept forgetting.
til yesterday. the night before i saw them again.. so i made a note-- to clean that motherfucker out. so i did. lemmee tell ya-- easier said than done. OMG. between that and the fuckin dishes it was literally an all day task. and i mean like 8-10 hours. i last about 15-20 minutes on my feet before the pain begins. real pain. i always hurt to an uncomfortable extent-- but gimmee time-- and it escalates to unbearable throughout the day. exertion as light as sitting straight at a desk or standing up for any length of time-- forget it. i'm screwed. and i was screwed yesterday. even with pain pills, they didn't do a thing. but i worked through it.
i didn't have a lot of dishes either-- i have been washing dishes every day ---and cooking-- since i got back home. i know it's hard to believe but it's true. so i had to unload the dishwasher and wash a some stuff from the fridge-- and of course-- the midnight grazers--- UGH.
but ya know what? and i kid you not---- every single damn time i left the kitchen for any length of time--- say five or ten minutes--- i would go back to find MORE dirty frickin dishes sittin there!!! a few glasses-- plates.. whatever. maybe not a ton-- but enough to just piss me the fuck off.
i finally got the pantry finished. all expired food tossed out--which mind you-- still sits in 2 boxes waiting to go outside----ugh... (ya know-- it doesn't look so bountiful in there once ya get rid of all the old stuff, and crap that has been just stuffed in there?) --so there i am... feelin all proud of myself--- not to mention, ready to cry--or go to the emergency room for my friggin back.. and everything else pain. - when i go to change my bed sheets. i strip my bed.. limping by this time-- and very bitchy --BITCHY i say. (because a particular soul has done very very much of nothing at all while i literally busted my ass constantly).
i walked through the kitchen towards the laundry room with the dirty sheets-- and what do i see?
yup-you guessed it! MORE FUCKIN DIRTY DISHES!!!! can you guess what happened????
you guessed it again. i flipped my damn lid. that's what. i have been bustin my damn ass in this house since i got home on saturday. ok-- sunday. i started workin on sunday. i think. yes i did. do you know how far i have gotten in this house? dishes , cooking, and laundry. THAT is it.
and i do not eat ! i eat dinner. period. WTF. soulkid didn't get home til tuesday. i don't see soulman eat that much -- i honestly do not. what is he ? a stealth eater??? like the fuckin stealth bomber??? both of them??? where the hell do the dishes come from???/ somebody tell me.
every time i turn around there are dishes... and i am pissed.

no wonder i hate dishes y'all.
no wonder i am bitter.
no wonder i tossed them all in the damn trash that time.
this place would not look the way it does--sometimes---if i had some fuckin help.
OMG y'all just don't know how infuriated i am.
being at jamies those few days--- ugh. i was reminded of what my house used to look like. i never had a house look like this....or what my homes have been like for the last how ever long. my sister can vouch for that. even when i was drunk all the time--- my house was clean.
ok-- dishes? not always--- but there were never so many.

how in the hell am i supposed to clean my HOUSE, when i can't get out of the damn kitchen???
i had so many plans for yesterday to get caught up. thinking the pantry AND dishes would take at most-- a couple hours. i'll be damned if it didn't take 8. no shit.8.
and by then.. i was dead.

i wanted-- and really needed to get my bills paid. i wanted to get my office tidied up-- vacuumed etc.
i wanted to start sorting tax receipts.

i never left the kitchen.
i did the pantry-- dishes--and changed my sheets.

oh and on one of my breaks-- i read part of my mothers (deceased btw) medical record.
if you're wondering why-- it was cuz i was looking for a poem she had written. years ago--.
it was quite upsetting.... to say the least. i have had these papers for years. 5-6-7 years. 8 years? i don't even know anymore. but a long time. i never read a word of them. until yesterday.
the kid who lived with her the longest as the "child"--- and got the most of the neglect and abuse-- was mentioned the LEAST in her psyche records. is that ironic or what??? i was invisible even then. i knew she didn't want me there--- but i had no idea... she didn't see me.

well... on that happy note-- i have bills to pay , midnight grazers to clean up after--and other things to do---

typical monday i spose.

oh , no i didn't find the poem she wrote. in a way i'm glad i didn't. the parts i remember of it are enough.


by the way---

i am not gonna be around for a while.
i don't know what a while means this time. but i have a feeling it will be longer than the other breaks i've taken. if not a total eclipse of the soul.

later peeps
stay happy in your worlds
i'll work on it in mine.

and the blog slacker award goes to ....

blog slackin'
lazy bein'
posts not havin'
hair drivin me crazy bein'
"sunday comment post"

i got nuthin again today-- but i did end up blabbin my head off in my box again.. so i put it here-- as a post.
..at least it's somethin .

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Summer said...

I have a disease that at this moment is really not noticeable except for a certain limp I have. What people don't realize is that it is a systemic disease and you feel like CRAP all the time. The up side is, you don't look like crap. So since you look nice and healthy and happy, no one takes you seriously when you tell them just how f-ing bad you feel.

I guess I shouldn't complain, no one has ever taken me seriously anyway. EVER.

How's that for a Sunday morning rant?

I hope your day is as good as it can be.

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

SOUL: said...

(but soon deleted )

(we, us, etc = is all of us out there with "something".. an illness, chronic pain..etc.)
---------------------------------------------------->

i hear ya summer. and some do take you seriously. just so ya know. unfortunately--- it's prolly mostly your blog-peeps.

i really think the people in our lives are in denial --- they can't view us as needy --- or it might make them feel inadequate , because they can't fix us; or maybe face the thought of "losing us" too soon.

perhaps even the guilt of letting, or asking, or watching us -- do too much.. when they know we shouldn't-- or even can't sometimes. but we do. don't we always just do what we gotta do?

that's just how it is. i reckon.

women are do-ers, and care-takers.
men are fixers of things.

men can't fix us... so they rationalize that things aren't so bad.. it's an off day for her..

--- and they say women live in a fantasy land----

has anyone EVER really listened to a man talk? ugh. my 14 yr old understood a movie plot the other day (YES , y'all she watches movies with us now-- hoo rah!)

anyhow.. sorry... distracted you know...

men are fixers-- when they can't fix something-- especially someone they feel responsible for... we become "better" in their mind. everything is just hunky dory.

women, though, are born to do for others. without women, the world would end. eventually without pro-creation-- there would be no life.
therefore, instinctively, i think, women do and give simply out of nature-- subconsciously maybe?

some... just overdue it. forgetting that there are boundaries. our bodies suffer for that. we suffer for that. but by the time we even realize that we are "suffering" (in whichever way) -

it's just a bit too late sometimes. our role is cast-- our script is written, and we have no understudy. this is where we are. and we learn to live with it. we learn.. somewhere in the middle of it ... complaining, giving in, giving up, surrender to a disease or diagnosis -- will ONLY ultimately identify us as our diagnosis.

when we reach that point... will we ever return from pity seeking, self absorbed, hiding in the shadows, no one cares about me , SICK people??? what a sad way to be.

but wow. so familiar. and so NOT how i want to be.
none of "us" do.

but how do we not. resentment begets resentment..does it not?

we resent being ill/ or in pain ... we resent the diagnosis ... in the end .. we resent ourselves for having -- or becoming that diagnosis.

afterall, we have families to take care of, things to do, lives to live. people need us. how dare we not feel well. right? shame on us.

what a bunch of crap the whole thing is.

and look where it takes us my friend...

now i know where

"right to the bitter end " came from. cuz it looks like that's where all this crap takes us.

but yep---

there's some points to ponder...
we're all screwed from birth.
and it doesn't matter who you are-- or how much good karma you "should" have. nothin means a thing. as long as you got something to give...someone will be there to take it. plus a little more.

holy crap-- sorry--- how's THAT -- for a sunday morning rant? :))

i don't know why i'm so bitter lately. maybe i should get out today. ugh. just the thought makes me want to find a rock to crawl under.

i haven't left my front door since wednesday night. (i think) .
not even stepped outside.
WTH?

look good feel bad .. feel bad, look good. it doesn't matter.
you're right.
nobody gets it.

and here i go-- bloggin in my box again. hmmm.
well.. it saves me thinkin time.
i'll move this over to the other side-- and pay my late bills that have been sittin here for two weeks.

BAH

go have some margaritas-- and pretend we're in floreedah with ac :))
i miss margaritas btw. just thought i'd let ya know :))


happy sunday

saturday soul-babble

i was overdue for a post anyhow.
great-- the mysterious underlining again.
oh goody it stopped. :))

anyways, as i was saying --

charli left a comment on the below post -- if you haven't read her blog, she , like several others of us, lives with a chronic illness. i almost said 'struggles with'. but i'm really gettin kinda tired of that particular phrase. no matter how you want to word it.. you still end up exhausted, but i think i'm beginning to like the term , 'battle chronic illness/pain' -- rather than struggle with it.
perhaps it just sounds less defeating that way. or maybe it's just me.

so. (distracted much?)

as i read what charli had to say, my mind went in ten different directions. of course, when does it not? but, it got a bit long, so i moved it over here. i had written a post earlier this morning; at like 230, but i didn't post it. obviously. i wrote that thing for hours. literally. i bet it would have filled a full chapter in a book. i didn't know a blog post would hold so much. i wrote from 230-something, until after 9 a.m. -- with a maybe half hour or so break in there somewhere. but still. that's a lot of writing. BUT-- when i went back through it ... i kept deleting, or editing, cutting, and pasting. it was a total whirlwind of ..... well. crap. perhaps stuff i needed to write-- and at the same time-- i am glad i had the sense not to post it.
i think that was the first time i have written in a frenzy like that, and even proof-read, much less edited a post. especially to only file it in the end. what a waste of time. mainly of the stuff i deleted and cut out. if i had at least saved those parts-- it would be good notes for my book that i will prolly never write :))

ok-- i'll shut up-- here's some --- stuff to read. :))








//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Charli said...

You're funny even when you describe tragedy.

People tell me "You look sick" all the time. I hate it.

Somehow though, what I hate more is the "You don't look sick! You look great!" - even though I feel like death. I'm not in the f'ing mood to hear about how cute I look in my new shoes. Does that make me mean?

Anyway. Good post.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

charli-- hi again,

i'm sure you do hear that a lot. and i too, get both.
i think it's somethin like -- when "they worry about you " they want you to know they "see it". and they know that you really are sick, and don't feel well.

then other times... usually when you are workin too hard -- or pushin yourself-- usually for "them", and maybe they feel guilty for not 'noticing'..or maybe not helping. perhaps, even for asking of you..that's when the "compliments" come. 'oh you look good'. hmmm, the color is back in your face, you look nice. or, maybe even the ole - ' i know that was hard for you, but you were a trouper today'.

oh then of course there are the days that 'they' just flat out don't want to -- or can't deal with any of it -- an that's when you become 'invisible.' or in my case a lot of the time -- make myself , invisible.

so-- to answer your question charli-- no, it doesn't make you mean. at all. it makes you human. a chronically ill human, who gives too much.. to a world with their 'i can't handle sick people' --- but you're different selves -- there to suck you dry. and to leave you alone when it's your turn to need some help.

but no worries, they'll be back... when you "look better"-- or maybe "you should get out" today.
ugh.

hmmm... sorry... looks like i'm the mean one today.

stay sweet girlie.
thanks for comin by-
i hope you have a happy day. what's left of it.

if i hear "you look like you don't feel good"

one more time... i am gonna shoot myself---or others.
good lawd.
what is it with people? i swear. if i'm not invisible ... i'm in critical condition.
really. that's how i feel. unnoticed. or hovered over.
it happened again this last two days. not one... TWO. ERG.

of course i haven't felt the greatest. but who cares. at least i'm upright , and mobile. i could be on my dead ass in bed... where i would normally be -- a week ago.
maybe "this " is what made me hibernate to start with?? i don't know if i remember exactly-- only that it did have to do with "people". or a people phobia.
but anyhow. i mentioned the day at the mall. that woman all but called 911. at wally hell the cashier stared at me..til i grabbed an energy drink..that she accepted as permission to say maybe that would make me feel better since i "looked like i didn't feel so good".

it happened again yesterday--- i don't remember the details ... but it was soulman. and i responded in a way that i don't know that i ever have -- maybe.. but i don't know. i just said--- i don't want to talk about it. i normally just dump everything in on him when or if he asks if i'm ok. i said nah. just alot goin on right now, and i don't want to get into it. he didn't like my response, i could tell by the look on his face. but i'm learning, i think-- or hope-- that really... it doesn't do much good to just spew crap. especially "my" nonsensical crap to someone. it only makes things worse. it makes no more sense out of my head than it does in my head. i wish i would have realized that a long time ago. but, like i said before----i'm kinda slow.

so anyhow--- moooovin on...

last night. good grief. i swear to everything that is holy-- my memory is shot. no more senile. i am serious. i remember nothing. and honestly-- i think like a ten year old at times. (if not always). here's a couple recent examples:

- last night; i spent a looong time makin dinner. somethin i never made before, and everyone was anxious to try it--and eat together at home. etc. i KNEW-- and i knew all day-- that soulkid had to be at her first outpatient group meeting at 6 ish. so we would have to eat at 5. i also told soulman that i would go too, so that he and i could kill time together--and he wouldn't be left hangin bored like he had so many times like before when he'd take her, and i wouldn't go.
all of this was planned. all day. the only thing that worked out???? dinner was actually ready by 5.
BUT--- by this time-- soulkid was in her room with her stereo blastin. soulman was in the other back room with his guitar blastin. and there i was... just UGH. it was like 505 pm. i had totally forgotten about having to be at group at 6--- which meant , hittin the road by 530. if i had half a brain i would have walked to the back of the house and told both of them that dinner was ready-- we'd have eaten ...as planned, and we'd have gone to group. with no incident. but that would only be if i was normal. and i'm not. face it. i'm just not.

what DID happen???
well. all the stuff is ready to serve. i holler to the back for them to come eat. (already having forgotten TOTALLY about taking soulkid to group-- or especially going myself), by now all i 'm thinkin about is sittin down. i didn't even want to eat anymore-- i just wanted to sit somewhere.
so. yep. instead of being human and cordial, and polite.... i got upset. yep. i did.
afterall--- they KNEW dinner was gonna be at five-- i was yellin for them to come eat-- but they were ignoring me. soooo.... i just stood in the kitchen and smoked a cigarette; and with each pause of the guitar, i would holler again. getting angrier by the second. or more insulted. whatever . finally.. after no response from anyone, i went in my office and sat in my chair, and got online, and said screw it. it was 525. and i was just done. let em starve, i thought. they can have cold shit for dinner when their ready--and soulkid is used to wilted salad..hell she's been livin on it for a month- right.

k..so...whaddaya think happens next???
you're right. with your rational , normal minds. you are all right. soulkid comes bee-boppin out -- "are we gonna have time to eat your dinner?" echoed by soulman walkin out of the kitchen after seeing all the food sittin there " why didn't you come get us". and there i am... pissed off and brain dead. "what?!" then i'm reminded of two things-- they can't hear me back there. and we have to go to rehab in like two minutes ; a place i promised to go.

feel like an asshole much????

needless to say-- rehab took priority over dinner-- i felt like a bitch-- they felt like they let me down. and we hit the road. hubby and i spent two hours in a bookstore-- an hour of which we spent over coffee just talking about crap-- which was needed. so i'm not complaining. i did get perturbed later when soulkid hung back in group to "chat" for half an hour with her friends and counselor though. oooh i was tired. and gettin grouchier by the second. but i was good. and i bit my tongue and i didn't yell at anyone. close...but i didn't.

we got home around 930 or so -- dinner got nuked-- the salad got tossed (into the trash i mean)--
and the next thing i remember is gettin yelled at to go to bed. somethin about me already have fallen asleep with my plate in my lap. ugh. it was gone-- so maybe i did. i don't even know if i ate it. (i wasn't bein yelled at in a bad way-- just from a different room). but for some reason, i kept sayin i wasn't sleepin..and he kept sayin i was... when soulkid vouched for him, i finally carried my ass on to bed.

and that my friends, is a day in the life--of one exhausted soul.

i hope y'all have happy days in your worlds today.

i am truly hoping that i spend mine on my ass ... but it is highly unlikely. i'm thinkin jamies energy is contagious. i've been goin non-stop since i got home. it's killin me.

pass the cukes and tea bags for my eyes??

in case you wondered

yep soulkid got home yesterday. more like last night. i was still at friggin wally hell when it was time to pick her up from rehab, so hubby got her on his way home from work--without me. she understood, but i feel like i should have been there -- i wanted to be. but i also didn't want her to come home to an empty kitchen. according to her, the poor kid has been surviving on wilted lettuce the entire time she's been in there. i joke about it-- but soulman went to see her while i was away, and said they brought her a meal because they ran over time in doing what they were doing, and she offered him her sandwich... because she was only going to eat the "wilted salad" -- that they never change out until it's gone i might add. soulman said that the cheese in the sandwich looked like someone had been chewing on it.... he passed. sooo ummm, yep, i had to be sure that there would be good healthy stuff , and plenty of junk food that she could could "graze freely" upon. and she did. and drinks. of course the first thing she spied was a half eaten box of truffles from christmas -- she devoured those immediately. and even though i made sure to cook at home, she didn't want it -- cuz she was full of stuff..and chocolate :)) -- she had a hot pocket later tho. healthy stuff i know. but she's young. first free reign of the food in over a month too. you know that has to be fun for a kid. and soooo not when your in rehab and never get what you want or like -- especially when you want it.

so anyhow. wally hell. yes it was hell. i'll tell ya. it wasn't the first time i'd been grocery shopping" in months... but man i swear , it sure as hell felt like it. as far as shopping goes around here... my guess is -- maybe a year-- we've bought the bare minimum at a time. milk, a couple days worth of stuff, or a holiday meal menu of stuff, bread, etc.. you know just the 30-50.00 trips. then we would have dinner out-- and weekends sometimes lunch too. cooking at home had all but ceased . somewhere around something physical with me -- not sure what it was-- i'm thinkin it was when my legs started buggin me, and standing long periods became a problem.
but - anyhow, the last time i talked with soulkid the visit before she got sprung... i told her that she and i were going to start cooking at home (she and i ), and eating at home-- like humans. and she likes that idea. she even smiled.

it's been so long since that girl has looked me in my face--in my eyes, and smiled at me. a true smile. not a crooked sarcastic smile--- or a "you're rediculous" smile. she's happy y'all.
i was very nervous about her coming home, and ww3 taking off right where it ended when she went into rehab. it was so not that way. i didn't know how to act. respond. whatever the word may be. so, i guess i just let it happen. and i liked it. she hugged me! often! and she kissed me too ! a few times ! and she helped me put the groceries away -- with NO alterior motive!!!
my daughter is home.
i have missed her.
she's been gone far longer than this last couple months ya know?
this is the soulkid i haven't seen in two years. i hope she sticks around .
i can't take anymore heartache. i just can't.
she has to make it.

and.. i'm late for a dr appt. so i have to make it too i spose.

i hope y'all are happy out there-

it's a two-fer tuesday

(the below post was transferred from jamies comment box. i figured i would put it here , just because if anyone misses it there-- anyone who needs to see it might catch it here. )

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

apparently, in an earlier statement i left here... which i clearly have since deleted... for obvious reasons...was a bit misinterpreted by several folks as unkind to jamie/ "dear liza". that was not my intention.

the written world here in blogland is often "misheard" , so allow me to clarify a couple of things.

first - when it comes to taking things the wrong way in the written world -- i am the worst one in the history of blogging. i can take the simplest of words and perceive them as a personal attack.

apparently that happened here. and some people understood my "reaction" / comment as anger towards jamie or maybe even a disregard to her home, or hospitality. it was neither, i assure you all.

jamie has a gorgeous home. she says she didn't clean house while i was there so that we could spend time together... what i said about her house truly was a compliment-- meaning that she has an immaculate home... that doesn't need constant attention.
she is a wonderful hostess, and i was very spoiled by her there. she even brought my coffee to me in the morning. she's a great cook, and i can't brag on her enough. i am not used to being a guest in someone's home, and maybe i didn't think about the fact that i should have mentioned all of that when i got back. she even remembered that my favorite candy was peanut butter m-n-m's.. and when i left i hadn't eaten any-- so she let me take the whole bag home.

i don't know how to right what damage i have done, by what i said. it honestly wasn't meant the way that it was "heard".

so.. i guess i can't say any more than that..
except that i have apologized to her for embarrassing her publicly on her page -- through my own white-trashism.
and i also apologize to her kids, and trav.

i had a wonderful time there.

and i thank her for that.

i guess that's enough out of me.

sincerely-soul