so instead of blowin up facebook ---

hiya folks !

i'm back..  but then again, where have ya heard that before?   we got home saturday afternoon from Falcon Lake, Tx. from our 20th anniversary vacation week.   boy, i never knew that fishing could be so darn exhausting.  we sure had a good time tho.  sunburns and all.  :))  i couldn't tell you how long it's been since i had a sunburn like that.  or 'this' i should say.  i think even my eyeballs got sunburned!  they hurt even still.  no, i don't really think they got burnt.  but they hurt.  my legs and arms and hands and everything else burnt tho.  my lower legs even peeled!  that hasn't happened in like 7 years or more.   it was hot down there.   
our first or second day was actually kind of funny ... it was reminiscent of our seventh anniversary.  almost exactly.  on our 7th anniversary , we took a vacation from Wichita kansas to lake fork, tx.. also to fish a world renown trophy bass fishing lake.   we had all these big hopes and dreams of catching our 'walters! ' .. (of course 'Walter' wasn't even heard of back then.. but we have always had the dream of a ten pound bass) -- so we drove all those miles - with a 5 year old soulkid to celebrate our anniversary -  and when we got there - and rented a 14 foot -- really not very sea worthy - john boat -- the sky opened up and poured rain... hard -- if not for hours it was a day or two.  - we didn't let it ruin our trip back then - and guess what?
 here we are - all these years later -- 13 years later to be exact -- at yet another - world renown trophy bass fishing lake -- still chasing after our 'walter' -  and what happened?  yep, you guessed it ... the sky opened up, and poured rain on us... it even hailed -- pea sized hail....  on day one of our vacation.   we could only laugh, and remember our first big bass lake vacation.  you know it's cuz we are us.   it wasn't bad though.  it was kind of nice.  i should have taken a few pictures but i didn't think to.  i got a lot of other pics tho -- but, we didn't let it ruin our trip this time either .  (unlucky 13?  nah)

anyhow, in honor of my dadio - who was a lifer in the  border patrol, i took several Border Patrol pix -- some awesome ones at that --

 (my dad- back in the day)

border patrol, zapata, tx

inspection station, BP, near Laredo , tx

i had never seen a border patrol boat like that, i thought it was the coolest thing ever. note the engineS, TWO big ole engines on that thing, i bet it hauls booty!   i  wondered if my dad ever got to patrol on one.  i don't have the opportunity to ask him, so if anyone in the family knows -- let me know.  
i do know that he was stationed in Puerto Rico for a few years -- among some other coastal places.. so he may have had a chance , but i bet back in those days, they were nothin like these boats.

so, Zapata , Texas,  what a town.  it has a population of maybe twelve.  :))   it's a small place.  not much of a variety of places to eat or sleep.  soulman smoked a brisket on our big green egg before we left and we took that and some other eats with us.. it lasted a few days , and made some viscous tacos.  we ate tacos twice a day for three days :))  there was one restaurant there in Zapata that a guy on TV with a fishin show - "Mark Zona" - ate at when he filmed his show down there - so of course we had to go there... they had some awesome chicken fried steak -- we ate that - BOTH times we went there. :))

 (never enough gravy - :))

we originally had rented a condo for the week, but that didn't work out too well.  you know the drill.. it's cuz we are us  :))  it wasn't terrible or anything, it was just that there were a few 'issues'.  such as .. .. well,  we were layin in bed on the second night (maybe even the first)  and it was like 10:00 PM or so, when suddenly a shot rang out in the dark.  or three.  oh yeh.  for real.  maybe four.  i was so tired it didn't bother me that much.  normally it might have scared the crap outta me, but i was so exhausted every night we were there that nothing seemed to matter much - except the next day of fishing - or maybe the next meal.     but as for soulman?  it bothered him... a lot.  we didn't talk about it tho.  he got out of bed and scoped things out of course.  he didn't see anything or anybody around the house, but he was worried about it.  for the next day or two things were pretty weird .  the area we were in apparently wasn't the best in town... obviously.  ya couldn't really tell by lookin at it tho-- but we would be out - goin or comin from fishin or eatin or something, and a car would drive by real slow - or circle around the block a couple or three times .. it was real weird.  creepy even.  we only slept there two or three nights when soulman went to the tackle shop and before he even got back he called me and told me to start packin our stuff cuz he got a hotel room in town  :))  he just didn't feel safe there -- and leaving me there alone was all it took for him to realize just how unsafe he felt. 

so we got a nicer safer place to stay for the rest of our time there.  no more gunshots -- no more ants.. yep - there were ants on the kitchen counter at the condo too.  beats roaches, but i hate them just as much .. i don't know why, i don't know where they come from or why they bother me like they do, but i was glad to be rid of them.  the hotel room had a fridge and a microwave - so it was nice.  of course -- on our first night there, we went to heat up some left -over chicken fried steak .. when guess what happened?  yeh.. the microwave didn't work -- cuz yup -- we are us!  :))  BUT -- we got a brand new in the box microwave for the rest of our stay  :))

so - the fishing?  oh it was fantastic-O!!  soulman caught the first several fish.. of course.  i almost began to feel like i wasn't gonna get any.  ooooh that's a bad feelin.  he was haulin in some awesome fish too.   i was gettin skunked :((  two hours prolly went by - he had two, 7 pound bass - AND a few smaller ones,  i had nuthin.

but then -- my luck started to change ! -- they started small ---  like the ones from home at the pond -- but i was happy with em !

after a few like these, (that i caught the next day ) - guess what happened ?

KABOOM !

almost SIX pounds hammered my line!

at this point - i had my biggest fish - to date - on my rod --

that made me a happy soul !  :))

before him, it had been years since i caught a fish that big.  when i did? i named him .. i named him 'uncle George'

hmmmm... now that i see 'uncle george again..

he doesn't seem so big after all.

i think i've caught many fish bigger than him since then  :))

he's still a nice fishy tho, isn't he?  that was my first 'nice fish'.. kansas 1998-ish.

i was quite the chunk myself eh?

so, after my big catch, it was soulmans turn again -- and he got his record catch, and THE record catch for the Falcon trip--  a whopping EIGHT POUND BASS !  and one of the very few photos of him without that UV protective buff thing over his face :((

we had soooo much fun!  i don't even know what was more fun, 

catchin fish or watchin each other catch fish.  it was all fun!

we both broke our big bass records - him with 8 pounds , me with 7.3

i don't know what i will do if i ever do get 'walter' at ten pounds or better.  i just can't even imagine pullin in a fish that big after what it was like bringin in the ones i did on this trip.  it was insane!  

after i had time to think about it , i realized that my bigger bass wasn't much smaller than soulkid was when she was born!  she weighed 7 pounds, 9 ounces.  my fish weighed 7 pounds, 3 ounces !  and for soulman, his was BIGGER than she was at birth!  it's just crazy to think that a bass can be bigger than a baby!

this was my biggest BASS of the trip - 7.3 lbs

just a few ounces bigger than the one i got just before it.

and only SIX ounces less than my child was at birth!

soulkid - 3/9/1994

7.9 LBS

here is soulman, and his almost 7 pounder - with the greatest catch of his life :))

this one weighed in at 6.8 pounds

this is my other big one -

i got him first that day.

biggest fish of my life at that moment.  you can see it on my face can't ya?

i was even happier than i look!

bringin in fish like these isn't as easy as you might think either -

it's actually quite hard work -

some of you have heard me use the term "bass burn"

i had it worse than ever from this trip -- 

it was/is well worth it tho.  it doesn't hurt anymore.

but when it did hurt - i didn't care  :))

what i DO care about is bein home finally.  it seems like we were gone for a month.  it was so strange to be away from soulkid for that long.  she did good tho.  except for the fact that one of the first things she told us was that she quit her job.  ummm. yeh.  she did.  when the cat's away , the mouse will play.  no. it's not as bad as it sounds.  she had another job offer.  it just doesn't look like it's as secure as she thought it was when she quit the job she had.  live and learn.  she does have other options though.  good thing we didn't stay away any longer than we did i reckon.  :))

other than that?  i had about 23 words with friends games goin when we left -- i didn't play a single word on our trip.  ummmm...  guess where that landed me?  yeh.  the doghouse.  if you play the game at all - you know it forced me to 'forfeit' every last game.  i didn't do it on purpose !  don't hate me!  is 23 goin through your mind like i'm crazy for havin that many to begin with?  it IS crazy, but it happens.  it doesn't take long before ya end up with 2 or 3 games with every one ya play with , and the next thing you know - there you are with two hundred games goin and you're just outta control!  then , see what happens?  so don't hate me, i was on my hunny-moon  :)) i still love ya <3

i really just didn't barely touch my phone. only a few trimes to update facebook, and of course i talked to my soulkid every day.  other than that - i did nothing but eat, sleep and fish :))

now, i am on the verge of recovery, and gettin back on track with  life and my peoples, and my biness. i have medicine to refill, bills to pay , errands to run.. next week i have appointments to get to...  just life in general to get caught up on and the groove to get back into.  so y'all should be seein me around a little bit more.  i hope that's a good thing?  it is for me.  cuz i have missed y'all.

anyhow, i must get offa this thang.  my eyes ballz are burninnnnnn

g'night folks!

hope y'all have a happy day tomorrow - and a happy week ahead!

Falcon Lake sunset

still kickin

ola my peep-le

how's it goin?  i am still around. altho ya might not know it by my lack of blogging lately.  i have been a busy girl.

i got back from vacation maybe a week ago -- girls-week, that is. and it has taken me that long to - only almost catch up. man, i don't think i should leave town for that long again.  five days maybe, but 7-8 is apparently too long.  physically it kicked my ass, and in business, yup there too.
also while i was away -- hubby decided to buy a boat !  it's a very nice boat  i'll give him that.  wanna see it?

not the greatest pic - but it is a nice boat - AND it books out at around 5,000 more than we paid for it.

good job soulman!

it took a lot of convincing for him to get out of hot water - but as soon as i saw the cracked transom on OUR boat (that neither of us knew about til i was gone) - - i was perfectly fine with his decision.  and finding out that he had our boat sold already, made it even sweeter. ( i don't know why he didn't begin his speel with those things... men.)

anyhow - girls week was a ton of fun -- i met the girls in eureka springs for two days - then to hot springs where my sister lives, then we went to a yurt for overnight -which i think was the best of all ! -- 

my aunt went missing ! like as in literally MISSING!  MIA type missing.  we called the police and everything.  it was crazy. but in the end she was ok, :)).  she had forgot what day it was, and was with her sister picking berries  :)) she was supposed to meet us - and no one heard from her -- or could reach her by phone, for two days ... yeh.. IT does run in the family  :))

i am still NOT smokin - i am still on the electronic ciggie.  knock on wood.  since mothers day :))  doin well with it.  the soulfam is proud of me , and i am too.  i like it better than cigs.  it tastes better.. no smell, no fear of burnin the house down.. y'all know i was bad about fallin asleep with cigs :((  no more of that.  

things are good.  i could use some energy.  i don't know what's up with that.  before girls week i was real full of energy.  since then i am suffering from a lot of pain, and burn out.  i hope that passes.  soon.  

hubby and i have our big 20 anniversary vacation planned !  our very first anniversary without the child.  it will be interesting.  i still wonder if we will survive it without -- (A)- coming home early in worry -- or (B) - thinkin too much about her and not bein able to focus on what we are doin.  

we are heading to lake falcon for our very first even overnight away from home/ childless trip in 18 years.  bah !  wish us -- and her luck  :))  (she won't be alone - she will have a friend with her and her doggies.)

anyhow here are a few pix from girl-week 2012-- enjoy --

click on em to make em bigger -

a beautiful cat who loves to be in  pix 

at 'turpentine creek' in eureka springs

 this is all of us with my aunt - eureka springs

 vickie and my aunt - who went MIA  :))

 soul chillin - i'm on a boat !

i'm so damn easy to please !

me, sorting tackle at the yurt

 they toilet papered me at at the yurt ! :))

too far away pic - me and my sis - at clearwater creek

(our childhood playground)

(out of order - taken right before i left)

me and my sis on her boat

 my sis and vickie on the boat

///////////////////////////////////////////

and a final treat -- my soulman  :))

(right after i got home :))

 

even soulman can't understand me.  :))

but he loves me anyhow

y'all take it easy -- and have a happy day in your worlds today !!!!

slower than my computer.....

yes i am.  man i just cannot seem to get UP today.  guess i am finally runnin out of gas.  or perhaps have run out of gas.  many of y'all know i have quit smokin recently.  can you believe it?  i can't either!  if you haven't heard yet? it's true.  today is day TEN !  ugh.  i have tried - off and on , diligently, and not so much.. the only thing that ever worked for any length of time for me was pregnancy :)) - and even then, once it was over?  so was the not smoking. 
other than pregnancy?  chantix 'almost' worked. once. til it made me insane.  literally.  drove me straight to a mental ward, in the first two weeks.  i couldn't even speak clearly .  i still don't remember much of what happened while i was in the hospital.  other than a seizure - and a couple bits of conversation.  none of which was anything good.
so.  you wonder what's different this time?
this ---

it's an electronic cigarette .  not the kind ya find at convenience stores though.  i've used those little ones.  they were fine for getting through a movie or dinner.  but the one you see here?  it is a gift from God!  i couldn't make it through a movie at the theater before ,without having a cig.  now i'm ten days without one at all.  and it happened within 24 hours of using this thing.  did i mention ... mothers day -- i smoked THREE packs of cigs -- which was my norm... the next day , i bought my electronic ciggie -- and haven't had a smoke since.  3 packs a day -- to zero. just like that.

and .. the next best part?  my sis, and her bestie -- who have also been trying to quit smoking for many years -- are having me get them one too !!!!  cross your fingers y'all!
mine has already paid for itself in the cigs i haven't bought --   2 cartons of cigs is about what it takes to pay for one.  just think of all the fishin stuff i can buy with alllll the money i don't spend on cigs!!!!!

annnddd i have --- look !

i've been havin a blast !

i have tons more energy, and feel sooooo much better!  i must say tho - it's all catchin up with me, and i'm gettin tired, but i still don't feel as run down as i did two weeks ago.  and guess what else?  my house and even closet smells better !   i didn't even realize how horrible my house and even car smelled until a day or two after i stopped smoking.  and my closet?  no idea that my closet -- which i share with soulman, smelled like ashes.  poor guy.   no more.

it's not craving free tho -- i can tell ya that... but i will also say -- this is the easiest method i have ever tried to -- and i have every bit of faith in it -- well God can't be left out -- i am NOT gonna smoke anymore.  i also thank y'all for backin me up!  your encouragement means tons!!!  

welp-- i could write all day - but soulkid just invited me to lunch -- she's a workin girl again  :))

of course - i bet she'll talk me into payin'  -- just watch -- :))

anyhow --- talk to me guys -- what's goin on in your worlds ???   i been outta touch -- again...  :((

happy thursday!!!

HAVE A HAPPY-

hiya peeps -

my soul sis requested a story, i don't have one right now - but i'm sure i can come up with somethin when i have more time .  i just wanted to come in here real quick and let ya know i am thinkin of all my mom friends today.  yes sis - that includes you. (btw- call me back!)

ya know , today i have received more 'happy mothers' day's ' - than any other in the past.  i don't know why - but it is very most awesome - in its awesomeness.  obviously my lil soul family would do this - cuz i am z- soul mamma.  :))  but as for friends ?  i don't know about y'all, but i just don't expect this from folks who i am not related to.  so i have to say THANK YOU !!! - big and humble right here.
it means so much this particular year -- i spose because this year, and this past many months, i have had a terrible time dealing with the losses of my two sons.  it has been many years since they 'left ' here.  one would think that a person would just move on already.  some years are better than others i guess.  this past year,  not so much.   today?  no complaints.  i didn't wake up thinking bad or sad thoughts or anything.... but the happy mothers day wishes keep coming ....  and i cannot forget the fact that i am a mom of THREE beautiful babies.   and i also have many - (too many) - friends that i dearly love --- whose message i have to think has that symbolic hug behind it that only a mom who has lost a child knows --
so today i want to say

happy mothers day to ALL the moms out there!!!!!!

but a very special -- happy mothers day to the  moms to the angel babies  --  !  there are no other moms like us!!!

i write this in honor of my angel babies

 Jacob

Patrick

AND

my very special gift from God

Soulkid

and to all of YOU -- 

i love you !!!

PSA -

believe that or not - i really am.. just checkin in...

laterz
love ya

Murphey's Law in full force -

it's cuz i am me - as all of you know -
let's take a walk through the past week shall we?

where should i begin?  ok - i know - let's begin with the most epic of all hair fails of my entire existence shall we ---

my soul man has been my hair man for the past oh so many years . y'all know that.  well, most of you do.  he doesn't cut it - but he has always been the one to hi-lite it.  at least since years ago when i paid almost one hundred dollars to have it done professionally - when we were po' .  surprise !  i had NO idea it cost that much til i was done  :((
so soulman became my hair man - as well as soulkids.  unless of course she did it herself - which i am a no talent at.. for her- or me. 

SO - -- a couple days before my birthday - i decided i wanted to be beautiful to go out with the family on birthday night -- oh shut up!

i also decided - instead of hi-lites -
" let's go 'all - blonde ' this time"....
bad idea -- really huge bad idea ---  :))

see???  an hour later -- this is what i discovered on top of my head --

ok- the only thing more irritating than the orange hair is the sideways photo !

anyhow - that night into the next day - there were several attempts to save my hair - both from soulman - who felt so terrible i can't even tell you... even tho - we both were LOMFAO !!

if i woulda been upset i know he woulda been too - i just wasn't -- it was too funny to be mad.  it reminded myself of those lil hillbilly dolls from the 50's - they were ceramic -- anyhow -- it really was worth a laugh,  to see soulman , and even me laugh like that -- i would go through it again !

so- he tries one or  two more times to get rid of the orange -- no help -- -- i give up! it was late - i go to bed -- 

next day -- soulkid in all her kindness gives it a try ---

it does help -- some of the orange came out and it did tone down some of the screamin flamin orange

 but this is what i ended up with -- TWO days before my birthday outing -  -- 

along with SURPRISE delivered b-day flowers from my mommyson!

my soulkid did a great job i think - but still -- just not ME. this is not soul. i can't be the bitch we all know and love with hair like that.  there is no 'gran - gran' there. don't y'all agree?  

so - i get on the internet - searching frantically for a save my head in a hurry - discount dye job.  surprise! through all this - i found one - only one mile from my house!  same day save me!

the day before my birthday!  

y'all may not understand the importance of THIS particular birthday - for me -- even tho i am an old hag - of 46 -- many of you may not realize that THIS was the one that i finally came to understand that LIFE actually means something.  i was gonna make this b-day special for all three of us lil souls.

(i'll get to that later --) but it is truly unbelievable how close i have come to literally dieing just in the past five years.  the latest being the recent fall in the tub.  as stupid as it was - and may have sounded - as hard as i fell. and as hard as i hit my head -- combined with how ill i was?  that was a near fatal fall.  and i am for once grateful to have lived through a close call.  

SO - back to the hair fail --  i found my savior -- or had i?

 ciggie break in my car -- truly an addict :((

i DID!  it took two hours and a lot of patience from both of us - but she saved my head !  

it wasn't cheap , and i won't be paying a salon any time soon - i trust my soulman .. but i will NEVER let him touch bleach again :))

(i have no now pic - i tried - and i have puffy fish morning face - BAH!)

but it IS back to 'normal' - the brownish normal - 

hi- lites are still in my future- when my fried hair has time to heal  :))

SO -- moooovin on to part two of murphys law joins me for my birthday ??

k - all is goin well , my hair is better, i feel better -- for a minute -- then what?  my legs give out on me.  oh man i can't explain the pain in words -- but i was in hell !!!!  and we had plans -- and nothin was gonna stop me -- not this time.....  we forge on...  

first stop? dinner - a steak house -- i'm gettin my favorite cut -- a rib-eye !  YUMMO -- right?   wrong.  the food comes and my steak is nearly more than well done.  dry as a bone.  soulmans?  omg!!  delicious! perfectly cooked.. juices runnin all over his plate....  soulkids food? of course she loved it.  i don';t cause a scene -- i have a few bites of soulmans steak - and send mine back -- i don't have a ' meal'.   it was fine -- i had eaten an appetizer and salad already - and really it was 'fine - but a steak - properly cooked , woulda been better.  so -= we forge on --  

second stop?  i'm worried i won't be able to smoke at the comedy club where we are headed...  so, we stop at a random store - they are sold out of electronic cigs -  they had menthol-- but i would rather die.

third stop?  another random store - for an e-cig -- not stocked-

fourth stop?  ANOTHER random store - no e-cigs :((

soul is gettin angry -- but holdin steady - 

fifth stop?????  yup- you guessed it --- i go into yet another random store - they don't have an e-cig either--i resign myself and buy a pack of big red chewing gum,  :))

we finally get to the club-- daughter says -- i forgot my drivers license - is that a problem???

-----insert crazy lady laugh here ----- 

(but alas - we are saved because we remember one of had her government ID card. PHEW - that few seconds seemed a lifetime - you know how that is.

so anyhow -- we got into the club no problem --  until -- one last visit from murphy just had to occur - of course it is as you know - because i am me .....

the show was late to get started - so i decide -- to hit the head -- LOL - i just had to say that ! -- i mean i had to go pee - so i head to the bathroom...   the way the place was set up almost was like a scene from a scary movie.  ya go thru this dark hallway to get to the bathroom, at the end -- it's only like 15 ft - or so -- at the end you can see this door - with a tinted window - but ya can see kind of - inside - there is an attendant, and she sees me, and she waves me back.  to go away.  i'm confused.  like WTF? right?  at that time another lady comes in the hallway- and the attendant wanes her to come in.  i ask her have you been here before? she says no. i say wth? she just told me to go away, and you to go in????

dumfounded we both go in....   the attendant says to me 

"i'm sorry, i thought you were a guy, cuz of your hair."

welcome to my world my friends -- 

 my hair looked really good and my family said i did NOT look like a dude.  

the night was the best i have had in a long time - and as far as birthdays?  THE BEST in literally years.

thanks all of you for FB b-day wishes - and phone calls, texts and all that jazz -- i love my peeps 

happy day to all of you ! 

oh - ps --- i just sold my kids car to a junk yard for 300.00  woooooot !!!  blown head gasket.  

i think i should start dating murphy.  what do you think?

jus so ya know i'm still kickin

 here's a 'funny' for you-
just til i have time to really get caught up -

http://youtu.be/jfGvvz7HbAw

 http://youtu.be/52s1-S_I7AE

lost in translation

ok - so - i just left my sisters blog.  she decided it was time for her to 'dis Taurus's.  she recently realized that most of her loved ones have the sign of Taurus.  and that we are all assholes  :))  - yes, i happen to be a Taurus.  as if you hadn't noticed.  HA!
well anyhow, she had told a story of my 19th birthday.  one of which happens to be a very memorable one for me, due to the the fact that i am a person who happens to remember times when i hurt or screw people over - more than when i do good things, or have good times.  yes i know.  that is a horrible way to be.  but that's just the way things are.  SO.  when i read that portion of her blog - what do you think i did?  i said - oh contrair mofrair - aside from my negative mind.  i have photo evidence ! 

and here it IS -  but first - you must obviously read her version first - then my version - to understand the full story - right?  so - i reckon i should copy hers -  HERE:

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
by smocha ---

Picture it ...the olden days.....I think I was 23 years old.


 My dear little sister, Soul, was turning 19 years old.


 I take 3 babies and walk my fat self to the store to buy the stuff to make her a cake. One walking, one tripping over his own feet ,every few seconds and me carrying one 30 pound baby, the whole way.


I get home, whip up the cake and wait for my precious to get home.


Miss Priss arrives home and does not even EAT any of the cake! "Uh, sorry, I have plans with my friends."



Oh I should have learned my lesson back then.




Note to self: Never make a surprise cake for a Taurus EVER again.

Question to self: Why are the most significant people in my life ALL Taurus's? I must be a glutton for punishment.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

SOUL version---


all of this is true --

this is how it went while she was walking with her babies and baking my cake -- that to this day remains special in my mind !  hence the 30 somethin year old photo that is still in great shape for being and instant kodak pic -

ok- i was just turning 19 = obviously - 19th birthday --
i was taking some classes at a local - poor people organization thing... i actually got paid to go to school!   my instructor had bought a cake and the class participated in a b-day thing for me.  i thought that was cool, and i got to take what was left of that cake home.  of course my sis was like oh bummer - i went through all this and this brat comes home braggin about a store bought cake! - bitch.

this is before i knew anything about HER cake.

a little bit later she says you wanna have your cake -- yes i DID insert foot into very large - young - mouth - i said -- "the good one?'
UGH - to this day i remember it like it was yesterday --  the good one -- shame oh shame on me -

BUT i DID TOO EAT HER CAKE !!!!!
SEE??????

sissy -- do you SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

has anyone ever --

taken the time to re read old posts here?

cuz just for the hell of it i just did.  a couple from like '09.  man i had some crazy stuffs to say back then.  where did my funny go?  y'all should wander down memory lane.  there's just some crazy shit back there.  even in the rough spots.  i could be pretty funny.  i should write more.

see ya later-
just wanted to say hi.
i don't wanna get in a slump again.. so i'll check in more- and see if i can just happen to get more regular at actually writing .

anyhow-  happy tuesday peeps-

i hope ya know - this new format really sucks !  am i the only one who hates it?  i can't even get a photo up what's up with that?

and where's the little box at the bottom to write the stupid last whatever -- like category? - but i just say somethin stupid there.

byeee

so, a funny thing happened - - -

howdy peeps!  yep i still live and breathe.  don't be offended by my absence - it is certainly nothing personal.  against anybody.  there are a few - very few - again, don't be offended - that may actually have some inkling of why i haven't "been around ." the rest of you , well, i just haven't got a phone call from i reckon.  because this - or rather these aren't your regular ole soul happenings that have kept me 'busy.  errr, away lately.  but - it hasn't been all bad -- let's say "it's all good" , - now.
if you've left messages on face book or even here, i only may have seen or replied to them.  i almost never go on face book.  if you see me there it is prolly related to ' words with friends' in some way and maybe i'm not payin attention to much else.  so please don't take it as a personal thing.

i don't really want to go into much detail about my latest 'happening'.  there really was a lot more involved than just one 'thing'.  but it really seems that everything else all started and stopped and began again, with this one 'incident.  and it's difficult to not associate things to or with it as the center of things.

goodness - yes, this is a difficult post to write.  --- i'm trying to remember what my sister calls these posts.  oh yeh ,  "stealth posts.".   when i try not to reveal too much information, but still let ya know kinda what's goin on.  well, obviously, that tactic fails.  epically. 

so.  what am i supposed to do about that little issue?  hmmmm. 

let's just say this much . 

it was a dark and stormy night... it was also March 25th, 2012.  just a few weeks back.  i have to say that out of the many many 'bad days ' that y'all have read on these pages - or heard from me in whatever manner ?  this day, and into the night and early morning - was honestly one of the top five worst bad days of my entire life.  y'all know i have had a shit ton of  bad days too. right?

well.  so much led up to this day,  and what followed was a lot of amend making, a lot of dr appointments, fear of shoulder surgery - relief when i found out i didn't need it :)) - and gradually days got better, and i found out people still loved me :))  phew.  bones heal, but hearts are so very fragile.

the bottom line girls and boys?  i had a hurt heart - i was on an anti depressant that didn't work for me, and i didn't know what was goin on.  for months i was rapidly declining into a pit of hell, and on March 25th, which was my first born (son's) funeral anniversary # 23 , i had a breakdown.  i simply fell apart.  and when something like that happens, on top of bein in 'Addison's crisis, and run down, and tired through and through, the human body just can't handle it all. 

so, i stood up to get out of the bath tub, and when i began to fall down - :)) - this is real peeps - i was ther - i reached for the towel bar -- and yup, you guessed it ... it fell right off the wall , and i went with it !

Face first , i crashed onto the back of the tub !  CRASH !  The next thing i knew soulman - poor soulman, still on a knee scooter, was next to the tub - having no idea what happened to me!  blood coming from my mouth, just having been knocked out for no one knows how long,  BAH! he couldn't put any weight on his leg - he was calling 9-1-1, before i could even begin to realize what had just happened. 

the next thing i knew there were 4-5 EMT's in my bathroom!  ugh... i will be getting a boob job very soon.  nothing in the world could be less flattering lemmee tell ya !

i had a concussion for over two weeks, the ER scanned my head - checking for fractures etc -  i had to get my shoulder/ arm x-rayed then later CT'd - then referred to a surgeon because i couldn't move it at all for two weeks actually longer - more like up until about 5 days ago.  i had to see my dentist for x rays - the ER said i had a dental fracture - the dentist didn't find it- but said my front three - tooth bridge was a little loose - he will check that later down the road. 

it isn't a very good feelin when ya read your medical report weeks away from bein 46 years old to see "fall risk".   not good at all.  nope .  in fact just an hour or two ago, i signed an estimate for grab rails (safety rails)  for my bathrooms! 

wooh it just gets better and better baby!

but seriously --  it does....  doin fine out here-
things are gettin better.  meds are workin, and the devil one that sent me on the downward spiral to hell, is now on my allergy list - that med also caused the addisons crisis-- it is noted on its warning label!!!  how insane is that???  anyone else smell a lawsuit???  too bad i don't do that

anyhow gotta go - almost time for "House" !

happy Monday folks
 

One question wednesday

I'm in! Blogger was weird yesterday, i couln't get in while trying to log in, of course i thought it was my senile. Luckily after i found my password this morning, it wasn't me this time! Ha! So here i am. I'm supposed to answer a question, asked by on, or anyone, on wednesday. The only question i have is one that i got a week, or twoago... And now i don't know where to find it.. That one is on me. I am senile :(( Gotta get that figured out real quick... K, i got it ... Thank god for text messaging :)) Who taught you how to cook, ..... I more or less taught myself to cook. There were three kids, me brother, my sis, and me, in that birth order.. Our mom was gone a lot and we were alone to fendvfor ourselves from a young age. It seems there was food in the house much of the time, but it was minimal, and not easy for kids to just grab and eat. We had to get creative .. Or starve. So it really was 'do or die' i was the youngest they were teenagers, schedules were different. We did what we could for or with each other. I just remember cooking a lot more often. I also remember corn flakes with water yum! What's the most wonderful creation you do well, These days, over the passed three years or so i barely cook at all anymore.. Unless hubby or daughter is sick. They have become the master chefs around here as my pain level worsens. But before that... I loved cooking. It lived in me, i have never used a cook book in my life! The only recipe i ever need is for baking, the dessert gene skipped me. For the most part, i simply do not bake. I think my family fave has to be, My chili- verde . That is what is requested the most, even when someone visits. Hubby n daughter think myntacos are the best too. No idea why or how they are different, but they love em. As "the cook" i can't pick the best" i just know that everyone likes whatever i cook. I,m not bragging.. Especially since i don't even cook really. But i do eat what i cook too, and it really is good food. What was your worst cooking disaster, Hmmmmm.... MY KITCHEN !!! BAH ! This would have to be the time i forgot about my boiling macaroni - for mac- n - cheese, and i was packing to move. I forgot about it. By the timebi remembered... ALL the water had boiled away andvthe macarini was standing on end! Yup.. Like little soldiers with black boots! :)) Ok.. I gotta roll on .. Kid has dantal follow uo, and must renew her drivers licence that expiredbon her birthday.. Oops 3/9, bad mom... No, busy mom. If i wasbrich they would say i had ' exhaustion' but i'm only over- tired i guess. At least until i collapse. That was comin yesterday i think, but i had to tell my patients.. What arebyall gonna do when somethin happens to ME? I need to rest too. Really, i was , well, exhausted. Time to get back to it.. Happy humpday

quick update from soul land -

there is a storma comin !  high winds all day , and the thunder just hit -- so i aint stayin here very long.  yikes! that was a big one. 

anyhow lots of folks have been askin bout hubby- thanks for that.  he is doin a lot better than he did after the first surgery-- he had his first follow up with the doc today -- here is what we saw when she unwrapped him ---

sexy eh?

it's healing nicely but it hurts like hell.

obviously he is on pain meds, but he has been able to lower the dose over the last couple days.

here is his new ride, as he can put NO weight on his foot for several more weeks .

he doesn't mind too much - crutches hurt him

ok folks i gotta get offa heah -- storm is bad already -- 

laterz = love and hugs y'all

the rest of the clan is fine

I'm Ok, you're ok

Hey folks, i just wanna say thanks to you peoples who've been checkin in, emailing, and calling, and such. I am really doin ok. Better than even i thought i was doing. I'm doin great! I didn't realize that until today til i talked to my really close friend on the phone and she made it clear to me that i am doin better than i knew. I love her for that - and so much more!!! I have other friends that make me aware of things i don'tbsee too.. And it helps so much!, A shit ton more than the folks that have comments that bring me don,thinking tey are comedians etc. orbthinking teir sense of humor is 'the way to go'... I have warped sense of humourvtoo.. And it has a way ofkeping me alive at times too. But there are timestoo, that i need a true friendtonunderstand when life is serious.... And y'all that have recently stepped up and taken the time to take things seriosly - i love ya for that. ! Now and always!!!! Somehow this text got all screwedbup... If you can decipher it, perfect! If not? Sorry.. I can't either :((

Oh Lord where are the sleepy gods?

I'll only whine for a sec this time. It's the , well, time. It's 4:25 AM. I have not been to sleep, nor do i have the need or opportunity to do so - at the moment. I can't believe how screwed up my sleep/ non sleep schedule has been this passed week. But i do understand why it has been so impossible, and it hasn't killed me yet, so i reckon it won't.
The only problem about not sleepin last night? Is that i have to take soulman to surgery @ about 530 to be there at 6:00 AM. Not really a big deal. I plan to sit in my car once they take him back , and dont need me anymore. That's what i did last time, and they called me when he woke up.

Other than that, neither of us are too nervous about things anymore. We've had time to talk to docs, get things all set up, get a better idea of the procedure .. All that mumbo jumbo. Sounds worsevthan the first time as far as the actually surgery.. It will involve a titanium plate on the bottom of his foot, shaving off parts of bone, cutting a large tendon, and a much longer recover period.

But - we are more prepared to explain the issues he had with the anestiologist- side effects, how to hopefully prevent or lessen them etc.

And he went back to work too soon last time- that wont happen this time.

God- i felt bad last time for him, he really had a rough couple months. Less worry this time, but, yup..i think we are pretty much more prepared fore before and after.

Ha! And as for my last few posts... Ummmm, i best get the coffee started fro this one... BRB :))

Does anything smell better than fresh brewing coffee? Not to me. They need coffee incence if ya ask me. Do they have it? I gotta find out!

So, anyhow, first, i must say thanks for all the great comments y'all left! They were all so from the heart, and they all meant the world to me. Please never think a word you say goes unnoticed by me! If i don't reply, it's prolly just cuz i don't know what to say... I bet y'all feel that way here too sometimes. I really feel bad when i do that to you. But honestly, ya gotta know by now- i just ,think, and my fingers do the rest!
I know it isn't easy sometimes for you - guess not for me either - but as my buddy 'paxie' put it, 'cathartic' fits rather nicely.

There really is a lot of 'stuff' goin on round here ... For a long while. It piles up, and i play tough, acting like it's all good, and nothing bothers me. Well eventuall, it gets to be too much for me. This time of year - there is a single thing that sends me in a tailspin all on its own. This year there's three things for every one i mentioned. So yeh. Any one 'normal' person would have a tough time, but i think writing it out here, and knowing many of y'all are still here, and rootin for me- made a world of difference!

I ate a few good meals, and aside from last night - maybe one other tossed in there ???? My sleep was improving, food, and sleep is pretty important for me and when that gets out of whack, my mood goes to hell too.
So i been workin on that. Last night, i think i was just worried if i went to sleep, i wouldnt get up on time. So even with my, put a horse down, bed time meds failed me and i just couldn'd sleep. I reckon i shall nap with hubby while he sleeps off his knock out drugs later.

As for the va appts and implants i mentioned for myself? Just the consult is on the 28th of march... It could be months before i know a thing about a thing there.

So - i apologize for bein a crybaby. It's really a lot to carry 'on my own'.
The hardest part is 'feeling' alone in all of it. I just feel like i can't or shouldn't talk about my stuff.. It doesn't ever go well.

I feel like i can't be sick or have problems. I'm supposed to be the strong one. I always have been. All the way back to when i was a kid. People don't handle it well, when 'i can't'

So. I CAN. And, I AM. No matter what it takes, or how long.

I want to stop. I want the crap, and the pain, in and out to stop, but that just isn't gonna happen on it's own. It may not happen at all. But i do have options. They are new, they are scary.. It is my job to research, and do what i can to make new and better things happen in my life!

Thank you all for reminding me of that!!!

Ps- i will be available for words with friends or other time consuming stuffs this mornin... If any of you have time

Bbl - with a cooking question post - as per joz :)) you can always count on soul sis to inspire me eh?

Happy humpday!!

it's 4:21 AM - do you know where your soul is?

mornin, sorta.  how are ya doin out there /?  i hope to God that the majority of you are sleepin peacefully, at the moment.
 as for me - ? second day in a row , that i'm wide awake at this time. if not earlier.  fun fun fun.  sleep is my  new hate.

 (almost done - it's now 7:59 - i reckon most of you are up now, geesh i'm slow)

well, non-sleep i should i say. sure there's a couple reasons why i can't sleep. but either way - it sucks. and it's hard to get back on track.  reason one - was the girls birthday. her big 18! after the food and festivities , at home, we we went to the movies to see 'the Lorax'. her boy friend came along, and she - we- had a god time.  after that we went down to a place in the mall so she could say hi to her best friend - since 7-th 0r 8th grade, just to say hello-.  (at her job) -minutes before we get over there - soulkis,  'tells' us - that the two of them will be going to 'denton' after her friend gets off work.

ummm.. hello?  you just decided  to spring this on us that your goin 30 minutes in each direction out the sticks in texas - after midnight - for three or four hours -- you two girls - alone?  and you expect no reaction from us?  hmmm. obviously turning 18 means more to you than us.  we were not happy.  we were in fact a little a trapped in a way.  her car is broken down -- since a couple months.  the jeep hasn't been safe to dive - or passed inspection/registration.. since we've bought it.  what other choice does she have but to drive one of ours? mainly mine.  but how are we sposed to pull the you don't have a car - card on her- when it isn't her fault that the car hasn't been fixed?  i have tried everything i knew how - to get it fixed.  to no avail.  i can't fix cars by myself anymore .  i used to be good at it.  just turned into somethin my mind and and body doesn't allow me to do anymore.  i've offered up the credit card !  against everything i believe in these days -- hubby just couldn't get it together. not enough to get it done.  we did get a tow-truck out here week or so ago to get it towed and fixed- the tow guy got it started - so hubby knew for sure he'd get it runnin with spark plugs and wires -- did it happen? ha ! in our world? hell no.  so - in the passed months - my lil car with 6000 miles has now racked up to 10000 miles + stains.  ' can't have nuthin!  i am highly upset - but it is safer for her than dad's truck.

so anyhow -- after some discussion with soulman - and his unnecessary roughness - Friday night we let the go - no good reason not to. but not without suffering major sleep deprivation .  i didn't take any sleep meds that night - it wasn't that bad for me -- without meds - i could stay up for for days.  hubby took his toll tho. it was rough - we're old.

anyhow - yesterday even with a day between - was rough having gone with sleep -- i was up til at least 6 am. i remember recording charlie brown around 5 am.  and still up watching the news at 6 ish.  no tellin when i actually fell asleep - i think maybe 7 ish, then up around noon.  can we say soul-  bah-itch.? all day yesterday - not to mention an emotional mess.

i strolled out of my room - at noon, after 3. maybe 4 hours of sleep- not uninterrupted i might add. in search of coffee -- coffee, pain meds, and a quick hello to the fam, and soulkid 2 who had spent the night.  --that was all i wanted out of my early day  life.  all i wanted - then a silent retreat alone in my room for for a while. just to collect my thoughts, and get myself together.

BUT  what was i greeted with very first thing, instead?  soulkid wanted me to take her to the mall. before my eyes were even half open.   i couldn't do it - i couldn't think about - i couldn't even discuss it.   i got my coffee - went to my room, and said we would have to talk about it later.  lucky for me she actually understood and allowed me to put all that off til today.  insert sigh of relief -  right here.
it also looks like we may make a family day of it too.  i hope it;s a nice- calm one.  my stress level is out the window lately !

so that next few hours went ok. folks kinda left me alone for the most part. i needed that.
the day escaped me.  the fam kept trying to get me to eat -- i have pretty much zero appetite lately.  i understand they worry - but i wish they wouldn't.  then later- they began to harass -- literally harrass me about me smoking cigs and stopping smoking.  there is never a good time for that.  i have had several docs tell me -- you really need to quit smoking - but seriously 'now' isn't a good time for you -- your stress level is too high.
i try to explain that to them.. they call dr's retarded. and keep pressuring me.  face it folks.  i have tried to quit - many times- many ways -- even to the point of cracking up to an extreme extant on chantix.  ever since then - i have an even more significant fear - of how far i am willing to go -- i have smoked longer than half my life.  it is my only constant - my only   - only.. that i can trust.
people just need to leave me alone about it.  seriously.

i have a very large load on my back right now and i have for many months. years even. i don't only carry my own load- i carry their loads- i carry loads of many others whom i care about.  i worry about and for folks that i don't even communicate with anymore -- but i still miss them, and have a hole in my heart for what we we lost.  even now, a few down the road i don't know what happened in some of these situations.. i try my best to limit the importance of many of my own issues - and these issues that confuse me.  i take blame where i know blame isn't on me.  but i accept it as it were on me.

i hide my fear, and i hide what i feel as if it were  shame - but it is merely pain.  it only feels shameful, because it is so misunderstood, and not wanted to be listened to or heard - or left behind.

i am diagnosed as PTSD- SHUT IN. (housbound/ agoraphobic).  bi-polar.  major depressive. - and maaany more-that results with the pain issues.

that is all so hard to swallow, as a person. especially a person like me. . afraid of people - terrified of new people - new relationships. crowds.  but i am willing.  i just have a problem with letting go in the area of my mobility.  a scooter? a walker/chair?,  a knee scooter?, a wheel chair?  worse of all- maybe - a chair lift in my home? 

the pain and fear of it - stops me in my tracks.  i wake up in pain - that would put folks on a trip to ER.  me? too stubborn.  i don't know - even all these years of feeling it daily -- it's just normal to me.  and apparently my family too.  i sleep too much.. i sleep too little..i don't eat for days,i eat too much- or not good stuff- i cry for the pain  -- i cry for 'no reason at all'- normal, just go rest - it'll pass.

if it is or were one of them... i wouldn't ask if they wanted to go to the hospital.. i would take em or call an ambulance. 

are they in denial? am i stubborn?  am i in denial?  do i just don't care?  are my dr's retarded? 

do ya wanna wanna know the next steps in my 'pain treatment?'

it's called 'spinal cord stimulation' - it is an internal electronic stimulator - placed inside your / my spine (wires) into your spine/ and a controller / battery thing - placed under the skin near my hip.
it sounds promising.  also it sounds a bit unsettling- wires. electronic boxes in my body.  ever think of a bath? WTF. the 'safety is a concern - as is the effectiveness - but i will try any damn thing at this point.

check out the video tho --   it really doesn't sound so bad --

 http://youtu.be/zbPhbENLmDM

and i have made a consult appt at the dallas VA - to see if i can get in with the spine clinic there -- maybe to save some cash - i have benefits there for service connected disability. i will also be trying to get my pain meds prescribed from there -- they would be free of charge from va - due to the service connection.  for several years i have been paying out of pocket for meds and my pain dr, along with all the shots and rhizotomy's and mri's and all that stuff.  i just can't afford it anymore.  so either i go cold cold turkey and call it all quits.  or i give VA a try .

i cannot afford the pain doctor anymore.  it may be the biggest mistake ever  to lose my pain doctor-- the best and only that i have ever had -- i fought for several years to find a doc who would treat me like a human who was truly in pain, and not drug seeking.  someoe who ran tests, found diagnoses, and has for years understood and tried to help me.  i just can't pay out of pocket all these thousands of dollars anymore for temporary relief. and 40.00 a month just to be 'looked at' before a new rx .

so i hope to hell- that the VA will give me the same meds and quality of care -- or better. on my benefits - and not out of pocket.   yeh - pray for that folks. cuz i really i need that outcome.
 i swear we're gonna be facing bankruptcy with all the freakin med bills over these last few, and coming  years without it.  so not something i want to think about - but it has crossed my mind -- among so many other things.

with soulkid turning 18, not only ave we lost her med insurance - she has been dropped as a dependent from my disability money -- a large chunk that we have depended on for several years.  as of April - things are gonna be much less
comfortable.. but we will survive.  it's jsut that medical is the first, and unfortunately the very important peice of of ur budget.  

then-- while i was researching this thing -- i came across something else that caught my interest.  i haven't mentioned it to anyone else -- don't you feel special?  it's made for 'med intolerant depression. ' y'all know i face many times in my life that i no matter what i do - what i try- nothing helps, and i just marinate in severe misery .. sometimes for months on end with no relief.  i know a lot of you ave no idea why or what it means - or why I can't just move on. i hope you know that i have no control over this- o matter how hard i try.   that would be due to my several mental, emotional, psyche issues.

 many years ago i talked my shrinkin an attempt at shock therapy on me - because nothing was helping me at that time- i was in-patient psyce - for a weeks by that time- but .- she wasn't ready to take that step then. i don't know if she's ready now.  i was , and have been  on every single anti depressant- anti psychotic- every mood stabilizer/ which are normally anti seizure meds-  - name it- i've been on it - and it eventually fails, and we start over.  some of the side effects of these meds have been hell.  or worse for me. some have been a God-send - until they contributed to admission,  seizure - or worse.

so- recently- i found i found this - also an implant - but - it is in the brain.  yup- scary- and something - that don't plan to discuss with the fam. unless or until it is approved.  but it is shown to help med resistant depression. and even lower the need for medication - or at least the amount of - etc.  i will discuss this at VA as well, when i go on 3-28.
the main prerequisite is that the patient must have failed only 2-4 medication failures -- i have failed them all.  i would be an idiot to no not attempt this. it seems much less scary to me than shock therapy. and much more successful.
a week or two - just before i heard of this implant -- i was seriously considering long term in patient Psyche treatment ---  6-9 months of it. N O- i didn't talk to anyone about it.  who the hell would i talk to about it?  but i have an every year bout with terrible depression... some years are better than others - but many - like this one -- simply awful for me -- september - to currently.  i know partly why that is - and part of it has been goin on annually for - close to 24 years.  this year i i tried so hard to talk about how bad it was for me.  i talked about 'triggers- as they happened- i did things i never tried before - to help myself - and be understood.  but i won't go further than that.  except to say - i shoulda kept my mouth shut.

but hey take a look at this -- again -- it just may be the miracle that i have been searching for-- for years.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/vagus-nerve-stimulation/MY00183

ok - ready for my newest sad?  among the many.  yesterday, i began thinking of my soul-retreat.  the little motel in boles arkansas - or Y-city.  i have been wanting to go out there for a while lately.  even tho it isn't even close to a reality through all the soul fam happenings , up comings, and financial situation at the moment.  not to mention me needing to be here for soulman post op- ext week.  anyhow-- my heart is hurting right now for the reason, that my son Patrick -- 10-25-88 to 3-19-89  -- who is buried near my soul retreat obviously 3.19 is right around the corner-- and with so damn much on my mind - etc -- i just thought some time away - to my special place would be good for me.  so last night i tried to call.  i have Patrick there - and also jacob.  it's been two years since i was out there last .  and it ended with hurt feelings - i learned that - my stealth visits - should have - and would continue to stay stealth. because it was only MY soul that lived there.  soulkid came that time for the first time - i believe she understood it - and she appreciated her first visit to her brothers cemetery .  i do intend to take her back another time - but 'this' time - whenever i thought i could get there - would be just me .. again.
to my tearful sadness... almost to a point of grieving = even crying when i woke up- at about 3 am..  it's gone.  just gone.  it's a run down. not remodeled like i was told it would be the last time i was there.  i reckon i should just pick my jaw off the ground and find out if i can get a hold of the folks who own it -- i can find no way to contact them -- but i will.  maybe they will sell me one of the cabins by the creek?  or a lot? to leave a camper on?  or i should find a 'something ' for a place to go or stay - next time it's available for me to go.  another soul-haven.  it will never hold what that place holds for me.
i've been there with my fam before i lost my babies - i've been there with my soulfam - when soulkid was just six months oldi was there for patricks funeral - as was my moms side of the family = and my DAD - i feel like i lost a friend or family member -- i don't know what else to say about it.
except that my last memory of my last visit -- was not good.  some was.  but most - some folks found it entertaining to criticize the entire place.  and that is so in the way right now of the so many good and beautiful memories i have of that place.
'she saw it this way-

.

i will forever see it this way -

i guess one persons 'trash bag ' is another mans treasure'.  fo- shizzle.  i feel like my house burned down.  no other way to describe it.