me again

hi y'all.  what's goin on in your world today?  just thought i'd ask, cuz i really don't have much goin on here in mine.  i'm just writin here to make my appearance.  see?  here i am!  i do need to get back into the groove of writin more often.  it isn't just the writing you know-- (for me) --it's the 'communication' part.  the checkin in with y'all, sayin hi, givin me a chance to let you know i think of you, and i really want to know how you are, and what is happenin in your lives. ya know.  cuz i do. i  just wanted to make sure ya knew that.  in case you forgot during my absence lately. 

*side note-- random photos ahead  :))

(randomly placed for added pleasure !)

i know.  i visit y'all about as often as i write anymore.  i apologize. but i do think of each one of ya daily-- prolly doesn't mean much tho.  right?

 it's hard to not get wrapped up in my own crap around here sometimes.  hmph. it's a little strange to think about that sentence.  or the results of it i should say.  it used to be; back in the day- the more i had goin on in my world-- the more i wrote, and acted a fool.  now?  the more i have goin on, the more i seem to shut down.  and shut folks out.

soulman - rangers vs. ny game bound!

i think many of you know me well enough by now to know that i have been fightin many medical issues for way too long now.  even on my best day, i feel like i should be in some kind of assisted living 'place'.  i 'heard myself' say to hubby only a couple weeks ago-- i don't even know what or how i said it-- but i used the word "sad", in describing my life.  'it's sad..."   that was the first time i have used that word about my life in anyway -- in my entire life.  not for lack of opportunity-- but for the fact that i had never reached that point of despair before.  when i heard those words come out of my mouth -- even I nearly cried.   it's so not me.  so not "soul." 

has anyone seen this heathen sailor??

1985

i don't mean i don't get sad.. or feel sad .  i'm human.  i mean the way i said it.  understand?  i hope so.

i honestly don't know where or even if i belong anymore.  i know - logically- that i could outlive everyone i know.  yet, physically? mentally?  for at least the past three years i have been feeling like i could drop dead at any second. seriously. i have crazy symptoms, and diagnoses, weird shit happens to me all the time. (medically).  bad/scary things- like blood clots and seizures, and headaches that make me vomit continuously for hours.  scars on my brain. scars on my lungs. (infarctions- to be medically correct).  cysts (1), and benign hemangioma tumors (2) on my liver. severe pain 24 hours a damn day. agorophobia, people phobia.  years of this. 

yet i forge ahead... slowly and clumsily... but i go.  lately, i TRY to not even mention/talk about any of it anymore.  all the crap i wrote here last time?  unless my hubby reads it here?  he won't even know about it. i'm sick of hearing about it all myself.  i can only imagine how tired my family -- or even you all- are of listenin to it.  but i do have to put it somewhere. sometime. right?

 here's where the mental part of my problems come into play. aside from the fact that i'm bi-polar (surprise!),  all the physical pain, and problems, and worry?  obviously, chronic for over 15 years... has led me nowhere but to severe and chronic depression as well.  where do you think that takes me?

 especially at certain times of the year-- such as NOW-- being as October 25 '88 is my first born son's birthday...?  every year is the same.  i relive it over and over again.  days, weeks, months of it.  why?  his death day is march 19th- '89.  no.  i wish i could tell you i re-lived his birthday. it just isn't that way.  it's the death day, and the viewing ., and the funeral. and the police -- taking his (portable) crib, blankets, and bottles, and formula, and baby food, out of the house-- as if I did something to HIM. it's the nurse at the hospital - telling me to "
be quiet, because i was scaring other patients".. while i screamed and laid over my dead babies body on a hospital gurney.  "Patrick".

i die a thousand times a day -- i grieve for two son's.  i have PTSD because it will not leave me.  both of them feel and 'look ' as fresh as yesterdays sunset. 
these scenes, and thoughts will never leave me.  not even in my sleep.  i haven't slept a single night without meds since august 1996.  when i lost my second son Jacob".

my mind, and my body turned against me when i lost Jacob.  i died that day. my spirit did. -- and now every day since i die more and more.  literally.  i am dying.  an unimaginable, slow and painful death.  that just refuses to happen fast enough.  so yep.  are you wonderin if i get suicidal?  that would be a hell yeh.  i do.  i have been for many years. and it is a hard battle to fight. silently- in 'your' own mind. but i do it.  i do it because i have a daughter.  the only one out of three children that God let me keep.  she is the air i breathe.   she is all that makes me fight through this life i am forced to be a part of.

my baby- off to home-coming

that's a bit of an oxymoron eh?

 God must have some awesome plan for one of us.  i know she struggles too.  we struggle together - at times only for the other.  and only God knows why that is.  sometimes i think she will be the death of me-- then i remember - she is all that i live for.  she is my baby-- she needs me... no matter how independent she wants to be. no matter how much she doesn't want to admit it.  she needs me.  and i need her. 

before long, she will be out on her own.. somewhere.  i'll miss her.  but as long as she's breathin... i spose i will too.  while it's in my control i mean. 

i ate him for dinner tonight

after the photo!

so damn much goin on- yet so damn little to say

as a matter of fact, yes i do have to swear. it makes me feel better. sometimes. even when i do it all by myself. out loud. to or at myself... or to no one. i just feel the need at times. so i do it. anyhow. now that that is out of the way-- i will attempt to refrain from more-- but if i fail, it won't be the first time. (at failing i mean).
some of y'all know i mentioned- once- recently, that i was 'attempting to quit smoking. i failed at that as well. i'm still managing to stay under a pack a day - which is much better still, than 3 packs a day.... BUT, i was at the half a pack mark. maybe ten days ago. i don't even like it that much any more. not the taste -- not even the effort. can you believe i even said that? 'effort'? to friggin smoke? but i don't mean it like you think. it's just that really, it doesn't give me the 'pleasure'(???)- or maybe 'comfort'(???) that it used to. yet i continue to do it. and don't really want to. i'd much rather get drunk !!!! ugh! obviously not guys. don't worry. maybe that's why i'm smokin so much. y'all know- or a lot of ya do.. me and booze don't get along. it alters my life. not so temporarily either. so when i get 'thirsty', i kinda get a little - ok a lot- stressed.

so.  speaking of stressed ... i still hadn't heard a word from the surgeon that i was referred to - so by friday- i called them.. just to see why the delay.  well.. just like the rest of the world.. they'd never heard of me.  -- but, it seems that they had moved offices recently- and thought maybe my doc had sent my referral to the old fax number.  i gave all the info - and now -- i wait -- again.  it will be even longer of a wait - if i haven't had an MRI of my C-spine in over a year-- i'm thinkin-- and hoping it has been less.

speakin of scans... yeh- i am the queen of green!  i glow.  not sure if  i mentioned it - but i had a CT a week or so ago.  abdomen. (adrenals/kidneys/etc). some interesting things came back.  but nothin to worry about.  at least that's what my -- soon to be fired endocrinologist said.  in fact he said "it's all good'.  i do not trust that man as far as i can throw him.. and y'all know-- all i can throw is a damn fishin lure... i bet i couldn't throw a softball four feet .  erg!  so anyhow...  when i heard that-- i just got suspicious.. cuz i know-- aint nuthin "good" in me.  i called the place that did the scan, and got copies of the report.  any how-- my intuition was right.  i have a NEW cyst on my liver-- it's very small.. but it's there- and it's new- and he didn't tell me .  also-- there's some kinda some shit goin on with my aorta (stomach one)- not heart.  so. WTF people?  what kinda doctor keeps this from his patient? the report has notes about being checked for malignancy of the liver-- to follow up with MRI-- did he tell me. noop.  belly aortas have aneurysms -- did he tell me -- to see someone?  not to worry about it?  noop.  actually - HE told me NOTHING.  his 'office mgr talked to me , and played relay msgr for me.  i'm tellin y'all... i am thinkin hard about suing him.. not about just this-- his nurse practitioner i used to see damn near killed me once.  i am not exaggerating.. and he acts like that 'incident' is not important-- but he does acknowledge it-- how can he not?  it is documented!  it's just one thing after another over there-- i am waiting for a second opinion.. once i get it-- and it proves he is not treating me properly.. and he is keeping me sick- and sicker --- i tell ya what-- his ass is mine- (i'm STILL losing weight! he of all should be able to tell me why!)  yes y'all i DO eat!  anyone know how much i'll weigh before i fall thru my a**hole and hang myself?  :)) 

"you'd smoke too!  LOL

anyhow--  did i tell ya we sold our giant couches?  well we did.  personally i was hoping for new furniture that wouldn't trap me like a friggin helpless animal....  instead-- i also mentioned new floors?  we opted to go for flooring first.  which didn't leave enough for furniture.  BUT we -- ok hubby- did move the office couch into the livin room... which - has a lever so i don't get stuck in there.  it's all workin out.

y'all knew already - once i got started , i wouldn't shut up-- didn't ya?
i wasn't sure-- but sorry if i'm boring ya.  i guess i should get back to writin more. 
i'll make a deal.. you talk to me more-- i'll talk to YOU more.  fair?

ok-- i'm sure i'm leavin a lot out-- but i don't wanna hold ya hostage any longer.

happy sunday in your worlds--
i shall keep you photo - updated on our flooring progress-- installed by soulman.. beginning today :))

speakin of photos -- i missed another photo challenge.. haven't been up to takin pics lately -- maybe that will give me a reason to leave the house when it's cold?  check back for the next one-- if i can remember - i'll enter it.

laterz folks-

PS-  on my proof read?  i found 2 freudian slips.. if that's what we want to call them.  one was where i wrote ' more' .. i wrote "mom".. in front of it.
and 2nd?  where i wrot 'me'.. i wrote 'ma' instead'
-- my 'deceased' mothers' birthday is october 21st. 
don't feel bad-- i don't.  it just seems weird to have written those words.  - always glad to catch my typos before y'all do'
anyhow-- i'm gone!  POOF!

i don't know about the rest of ya -- but ---

oh yeh baby!!!!  

this has been hell week for me.. and my future at this point? aint requirin any shades, i can tell ya that much.

here's to better days ahead for all of us! cuz from i see lately-- it aint just me.

CHEERS FOLKS!

*CLINK!*

soul- happenins

mornin folks!  now, i can say that .  as opposed to over two hours ago when i woke up.  the pain in my neck and back was excruciating, and i couldn't lay down any longer.  i had to get UP.  what you would think to be the simplest part of that, such as walking to my office couch - to sit, and take a pain pill, was the what turned out to be the most difficult few minutes of gettin UP i think i have ever experienced. y'all surely know who Eevee is by now right?  just in case you don't ---

THIS:  is EEVEE-

she has never - ever, since we've had her, slept at the foot of our bed.  (on the floor).  or if she has, she would get up and out of the way if i or someone walked by her in the dark.  today?  tired me, with an immobile neck, in the dark and unable to see her???  did she get up - or bother to move or make her presence known?  of course not.  what did she do?  well she let me step on her dontchya know!  then she growled her mean police dog growl- and friggin BIT me!!! yes!  it's ok.  just a scratch/bruisy type bite.  a warning.  she didn't mean to hurt me. and i really  think she was as surprised as i was.  of course i reacted with shock and anger -- ie. - cussing at her... which woke up soulman.  well.. i think the growl, snap- woke him up first.  the dog has a very audible SNAP- such as alligator jaws!  really. even playing. she has been trained in shutzhund (click there to watch eevees training video clip!).

anyhow - neither of us got hurt- me or the dog.  but needless to say - i was a bit scared for a minute. so was she and hubby.  she could take a foot off without tryin.  God knows what she could do if she WAS tryin.

so anyways-  yes i did mention my pain.  i always hurt- somewhere. y'all know that.  but the pain i speak of today is residual from yet another 'procedure'.  yesterday morning i had another 'cervical facet injection' (bilateral = both sides)  done on my neck.  this was the second time i have had this done.  and of course, i didn't remember being 'this' sore afterwards.  it rendered me pretty useless the rest of the day yesterday and night.  i slept off the versed= a local anesthetic.  then it was recliner / TV til bedtime.. then of course two or three times through the night i woke for meds- then the fiasco at 4 a.m.  now here i am, still coffeeing.

when i saw my doc a week or so ago, and scheduled this procedure... we also 'tentatively' scheduled a (nother) 'rhizotomy'.  right side.  same as last time.  unlike this time--- i DO remember that pain.  that left me with a pain that i will never forget-- and apparently my family won't either.  i can't even describe it to you- except to say that it was constant , and severe pain, that lasted over five months, with little to no relief.  with that came severe depression - of course.  and it affected not only me and my semblance of a life- but it also affected my family in a permanently negative way as well.

(just to let ya know-- in case you haven't noticed it yourself (i have been idle for at least an hour and a half here.  lookin back over the records of these injections and procedures...  then of course while telling y'all about them-- i got way too blabber-mouthy and the post got looong and bo-ring... so i had to delete it all. -- well i moved it to word - for my own records.  y'all don't need that crap but i do.  anyhow- you didn't even know i was gone- but if you noticed a gap in time- that's where it went :))

so.  back to the rhizotomy.  i say tentatively, only because it 'was' actually - scheduled for October 18th.  same side as last - right side.  a cervical facet rhizotomy.  while i was at the Dr. i asked about what might be my 'next' option if the rhizotomy were to fail, like the last one.  obviously it did.  and good lord, i was in some gawd awful pain for an unusually long time afterwards .  over five months; when most people recover in a matter of days or under two weeks at worst.  i on the other hand was in worse pain than before- and actually raised my pain med dosage to a ridiculous amount.  and just so ya know-- the medication amount hasn't been able to be changed back down, because in that time i built up such a tolerance to it- they actually have since had to change me to a stronger med entirely, also at a high dose. 

i bet i coulda found a shorter version to get that out-- but - well sorry.  long winded i guess. that's me.  anyhow.  i spoke with the doc yesterday before the needle in the neck thing.. and told him what me and the other doc i see talked about- asking what surgery 'exactly'  would be my option.  i must admit, it left me breathless.  he said as if it were a trip to the zoo! "Fusion."  UGH.  i responded.. that's your FIRST option?  "yep".   all i had to say was "i know people who have had that surgery!  i gotta think about that.

and i did.  a lot.  okrhizotomy.

well.. i am willing to do that again.. obviously-- but that is all i know.  and i suffered greatly, and probably longer than the short time of relief that i actually was given from it.  many more tears, than thanks.  but i did get some months of relief in my legs and neck. 

so.  i slept on it.  and have decided, yep.  gonna go for the surgery.  i remebered a couple years ago, a friend of mine facing surgery asked me-- would YOU have surgery? (we both were and have lived with daily , horrible, depressing pain for years)  i didn't blink an eye , before i responded with a resounding - "hell yeh i would! if it would give me my life back - i'd do it in a second!".

the recovery time is more uncomfortable, less painful, and a fraction of the time of the rhizotomy.  from what i hear- and in my case . or should be.  and the relief -- 'could' last me many years, vs. a few months.  i really don't need to flip a coin here.  i just need to not be afraid.  i really am not scared of the surgery itself... i mean, that's actually not as bad as it sounded when i first heard-read about it.  the thing with me is -- the addison's disease, and my weight, and fevers i been runnin lately.  if i go in and go under with my immune system already compromised?  it could be a problem.. on top of other problems- and risks.  but then again.. "i'm tougher than most".  right?

ok-- folks.  real quick- i'll change the subject - then i shall let ya go-- well, if ya didn't go already - :((

last night- we finally sold our damn couches!  yee haw.  damn bohemouth (s).  media seating we got a year or two ago.  we really thought that's what we wanted.  but for the last six months?  ok - year... it fills up our entire living room.. and i cannot get out of it!  weak and painful legs and back with no jump cord -- oh i mean side lever to help me get out of the recliner, having to use my legs???  just doesn't happen.  i get stuck. for real.  we live in different rooms, cuz my couch in my office has a lever- its a lazy boy.  it's comfy - cloth and comfy.. so i spend more time in here.  anyhow- they been advertised for a couple weeks, and of course folks call or email -- low ballin before they even SEE it... and that just pisses me right off.  finally someone showed up last night and bought it!!!  of course we took less-- cuz once hubby got it outside in the natural light -- all the little flaws were glaring right at him.  ugh.  we only knew of one.  and that was one ya just couldn't miss.. it happened on original delivery- and even we didn't know about that til we moved a year later!  can we say rip-off?  so of course we lost money-- but now we can get new furniture that i hope i can love and be comfy in! that is NOT leather - also something that won't swallow my house :))

next?  we also are finally selling our 'old' boat.  yup- paid that sucker off over a week ago.  one guy came lookin last night-- and hubby has over 50 emails on it.  he's sellin it seperate.. motor and hull/w trailer.  the bulk of the money is the motor- unfortunately most interest is in the hull. (boat)  he really low balled the price on that. i'm sure he coulda- and shoulda asked more- cuz y'all know-- everyone will try to knock a hundred or two off.  don't we all-- at least try?  anyhow-- looks like that will be gone and out of my way in a couple days at most!  that thrills me.  then we will be furniture and flooring shopping.

next?  my child?  doin well.  she'll be gettin her drivers license in a few days - if i am mobile enough by the end of the wek - there should be no problem.  in fact- tomorrow might be a good day -- if i can get around and drive ok enough.  she finally has all her ducks in a row for it.  i am thrilled.  y'all know i worry-- but my driving ability gets less and less... unLESS - surgery will change that too.  y'all pray it does please.  i have been in pain since before my girl was born.  what came first- the chicken or the egg.  i mean the depression or the pain?  my guess is the latter.  if i am released from this damn pain for any length of time-- do y'all realize how much my life could change?  i have a hint of it-- and it excites me.  when have you heard me say that?!  yeh, i bet never.

ok-- last thing i will bore ya with -- for today .  hey-- don't roll your eyes at me.  i'm just updatin y'all! i thought that's what ya wanted???

almost a month ago- i had a slight case of pnemonia.  nothin horrible - we caught it early.  good thing.  but - it was enough to remind me of the lung clot (pulmonery embolism) - and the evil pain that came with it-- not to mention the brush with death.  OR the following mental attack that came with my temporary use of chantix.  which nearly killed me in a few different ways.  again both- all - affecting my family in ways better - but never to be forgotten.  :((

SO. what did i do?  nah.  i would truly LOVE to tell y'all that i quit smokin.  i did not.  BUT-  i have gone from three packs of cigs a day -- which my history has been 1-3 packs a day for 35 years (prolly 3 for 3 years?)  this last three weeks?  10-15 cigs a day.  hold the applause.  i am in no way celebrating - anything.  i really hope , and pray to quit.  forever this time.  and i know every little bit (not smoked) is progress.  but i'm afraid to jynx it if i talk about it too much.  so this is the last i'll say til i'm all the way quit.  i'm hoping the recovery time after surgery - if or when i have it - will be the clincher - if i haven't quit by then.

ok my soul prisoners :)) you are free to leave now.  i hope you haven't fallen asleep or left before now.

tell me what's goinin on in your worlds people -- i miss ya !
thanks for comin around .. it's nice to not have been forgotten :))
if i missed anything- lemmee know-- you know i'll be glad to blab about it... i mean let ya know.

hope y'all have happy days in your worlds -- i'm gonna try --
oh guess what-- my sis is comin to town today -- her kitties are flyin to england.  passports and all!  it's true-- cats have to have passports!  i don't know if i should laugh, cry or pee my pants.  but it is the craziest thing i've heard in my life!  well, if ya don't count shit my mom used to say :))

here i am, where are you?

hiya peeps.  well, of course i speak to those who've decided to stick around. of course.  i am aware that my last few posts haven't really sounded the most stable.  if ya know what i mean.  but - that is why i am writing today.  i'm gonna keep it short - for now.  i just want to let ya know that i came across a post the other day that says , much more fluently, what i have attempted for over two years to say right here.  all i ever seemed to accomplish in my attempts?  sounding like a paranoid , impossible to understand , freak.   soul-speak.  i reckon that's what we could call my 'code language' i get into - when i try to tippy toe around things, and just never seem to get to the point.
well, this post -- from 'The Naked Soul' - Mark:  says it all.  i believe.  i hope that you will read what he says , and be able to understand that between what he says - and what i have tried to say here, so many times;  that what i write here - is my own 'original' thoughts, ideas, and words.  to me they are all that i own that means anything to me.  when i see them on other folks blogs an hour after i have written them here?  i cannot describe the helpless feeling that washes over me. nor the feeling of betrayal that i feel.  and to have this repeatedly happen - for so long?  and still trying to be original, and cordial, has rocked me to my core. 
anyhow-  go visit Mark, and please try to understand where i am comin from. 
i miss writing here.  many of you know that i have been robbed of many 'things' many times throughout my life.  if my own mind is to be robbed continuously of my own thoughts... i cannot allow it to go on.  someone just tell me you have seen it-- better yet WHERE you have seen it.
my words, used by others.. and i would love to 'come home, and be with y'all.  right here.

http://tobeme.wordpress.com/2010/09/30/original-thoughts/

so. here we stand. perhaps, here I stand.

sho is - i'm done.

that is prolly more likely.  that I stand here.  alone.  as usual.  rather than 'here we stand'. yeh, i know - some come by, though not as many as used to.  hey. no big deal. it happens to all of us now and then. right? .  but hey- don't get me wrong-- i played my part in this too. i know it sometimes sounds like i blame the world for my having 'lost' a few friends- readers- here.  nah.  i don't.  not in every case.  but yep.  there's a couple that are so so SO - in the forefront of my mind, that it just pains  me to not write the 'full story (S) of them right here.   i really sense that they know who they are and what they have done.  and even if it sounds mental to you -- i even think they -- know how i feel about the thing  they do that makes me feel like i do - and do it anyhow.  and still have the nerve to 'face me'. one of them, i have told - face to face- AND online, more than once.. how i feel about this... yet to this day she blatently continues to do it.  so- nope - that is a  conscious thought ... no paranoia there. perhaps, it's even a a dagger - for some unkown reason. so i do wonder-- if any of you are alert enough-- that you have even noticed it.  cuz most of you read the same pages i do.  anyhow-- all i will say about it -- is you saw it here first. word for word these folks have plagiarized me- be it one liners, simple words, or full ideas for an entire post for their blogs.  mainly two-- but i've seen it elsewhere as well.

do i want to give them credit for causing me to leave blogland?  oh hell no.  i won't give them credit for anything other than being brainless, unoriginal , thoughtless, scum.  who can't think for themselves.  the gall of one of them? this person has a copyright at the top of her page-- all original?  my ass.  she now has 'stolen a style' of another of my -- real' friends-- and boy she is lovin the attention that's gettin her.  it only makes me want to vomit.  i hope she is happy ridin the skirt tails of others' talent.  good luck to both of you-- and i do know you know who i'm talkin about. - at least the ones who do it should.

anyhow-- no.  no one takes any credit for the end of soul survivor -- aside from the fact that, i am tired. 
 i am in a battle with my world, my body and my mind.  seems i have gone full circle from when i began this blog almost 4 years ago. 
agoraphobic.  sick. alone. and not trusting anyone.
and ya know what?  y'all brought me here.    except a select few.  i hope to God you know who you are!  you should-- because we have had recent contact- and you KNOW i love and trust you.  other than that?
i am soooo done with this thing.  all of it.
my heart is back where it belongs.  my mind is back where it belongs.  and neither are here -- vulnerable-- laid out-- to be taken for your own selfish purposes.

oh and just so ya know-- the next time i see one of you using MY words.. you plagiaristic - unimaginative, so called friends - sigh-- of mine??  i promise to expose you and show folks that you have no creativity of your own.  that you not only steal from me-- but others as well.
i suggest you get to thinkin on your own.  if that's possible.
and .. mrs. copyright- originality? take that crap down.  lest it bite YOU in the ass.

i love you all.  yeh.  i do.  even the ones who wronged me. 
the ones who didn't - don't lose contact -- i know you know who ya are.

oh hell -- look- it's friggin 9-11.  what a day to blow up soulland.  or would that be 'implode "
everyone be safe -- today and always



--------------THE VIDEO WORKS NOW/ IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SEE IT ----------

if this log rolls over we'll drown

(my town)Texas - Students and faculty members were evacuated from a my kids - ISD intermediate school when a nearby creek began flooding out of its banks Wednesday morning.

yup it's true .  major flooding in and around where i live.  schools are and have been evacuated.  my kids school wasn't one of them, but soulman went and got her anyhow.  it aint easy to forget once you've been in a flash flood.  not to mention - in my case -- a few - in a vehicle - and my house - a couple as well.  so. when i saw the news, i told hubby - cancel her appointment, and go get her.  not that he hadn't had that plan on his mind already - but now that i was in agreement - without his suggesting it-- it was a sealed deal, and off he went. 
at this point , it isn't raining anymore... our house is fine, and the soul clan is fine.  in fact the two of them, and soulkid 2 , are at sonic, grabbin some lunch -- they slay me.  if it was me - i would have got my kid and come straight home-- them?  they went to home depot, and sonic.  don't ask.  i gave up tryin to figure out their thought process... which is obviously much the same.  and totally not the same as mine. 

oh well.  they survived their journey.  and even brought me lunch :))  gotta give em credit for livin life right?  livin on the safe side doesn't always pay off.  they came in , all smiles. 

and what i am i doin?  sittin here pissed off cuz my phone won't work, and i can't talk to my dr. to get the results of my chest x-ray.  that's what i'm doin.  she called this mornin - i missed the call.  now my phone won't work to call back.  aint life grand? 

catch you folks latah.

happy days peeps-

two - fer twos-day kinda

my new theme song???
:))

well hell. if it aint one thing it's another.

such as lately-

this is not where i want this pic-

but this is where blogger wants it :((

mornin peoples-
how goes it on this fine fine day? hope all is good in your worlds.
things aint too awful bad here. well aside from a few things. i wouldn't say they were bad things. just sort of irritating things. kinda like a fly in your face that won't go away. ya know? for instance. i couldn't find my buddy online this mornin who i been havin coffee with lately. the smoke n choke is much more fun with someone to chat with with, than just sittin alone doin my banking or payin bills ya know. specially this one - she's a crack-head -- just like me. findin a person that thinks the way i do - just isn't as easy as one would think. and trust me, get two of us on a roll? hilarity, at it's finest. always makes for a nice mornin.
and, seein as i could be facin some shaky news from the doc in a couple hours? well-- let's just say - after i post this - i'll be textin her to get her ass on chat! hear that? thanks buddy - where the hell are you? you better be 'fallen and can't get UP', ... not really - but close .

so. anyhow- the 'another'? i just blocked my other blog- made it private. so don't bother goin there -- just in case you have been. or do-- for any reason. cept you MB -- cuz i know what you're up to :)) . we can fix it for ya. other than that ? i just have been thinkin a lot about how much of myself is 'out there', and how much of me really should be. i don't think it's necessary for all that is there -- especially as much of what is there about soulkid, -- it's just too much information.

or  perhaps i should say 'amunition.' more than once the words i have written here have been used against me. when i put them here to explain my ramblings- or perhaps to be understood better. well, yeh- bad idea. for way too long. i'm not sayin it won't happen again, but if you haven't noticed- i have become more guarded over time. especially with soulkids business, and issues. she is getting to an age where her info on my blog could be problematic for her - in more ways that one. in the way of her local peers or friends seeing it here. which has happened - due to facebook being linked. and also- she is lookin at soon getting a drivers license, and a job etc. her life is hers now, and i have no right to expose it here. she isn't a child anymore. so. there's some reasons that 'Soul Survivor' had to have the doors closed.

i reckon like 'sophie' said when i opened this new blog [ -- some of y'all know that she was my original soul sistah.. one of my first blog buds turned close friends, and confidant. -- ]

" A new blog... what a fun idea! It's like a fresh start, the first page of a new chapter. Hope that the pages of your life open with some new happy things to share as well, keep bloggin' Soul Sis".

that seems to be stuck in my head ever since she wrote it here.  "a new chapter-- a fresh start."
   that's what i need.  those of you who have been around from the beginning- or close to it, you've seen it - read it- know it.  the good, the bad, the ugly.  y'all know what i have been through in life , and in the past 3 years or so.  you know the storms and battles this family has fought.  what we have beat , and what has beaten us.  you know what we have survived.  you know what I have beaten , and you know what has beaten me.   i don't think anyone needs or wants to be reminded of any of it.  i know i don't. 

so yep-- this blog here - is the only accessible (to the public)  blog i have .  the rest?  i am keeping simply because i will use to refer to -- as notes - for my book.  i really am workin on it.  maybe someday i'll finish it.  if not?  a ghost writer -- or someone who knows me -- can write it for me.  God knows the info is laid out enough - between my blogs, notes, and footlockers of poetry and crap.  it's all there.  just needs someone to love it into book format.

have i mentioned that i want a service dog?  well i do.  sushi is too stupid, and eevee is too old, and too much of a liability.  i want a black lab.  for protection and companionship.  i know.  i need another dog like a hole in the fuckin head.  but part of why i don't go out - is cuz most of the time i'm alone -- and to be honest?  i have zero strength left to defend myself.  a 5 year old could kick my ass.  so- how do i get a service dog?

welp- guess that's all for today -

happy tuesday

guess what? it aint 3:33 - but it's close

seems like i woulda made it in here right on time -- if i was tryin. and to be honest , i kinda was.  but y'all know how my luck goes.  here it is - 3:38 A.M. , and i'm already havin a rough time of things. you wouldn't think a person would have much to do at 320 in the damn mornin would ya?  me neither, but remember.. this is ME we're talkin about.  well, me, five animals, havin to make coffee, of course havin to go pee-- in an ill equipped bathroom -- if ya know what i mean-- so then havin to retreat to the other bathroom, for mother natures supplies - ehem... then havin to let a barkin sushi outside - but first un-alarming the house-- then while making coffee -- lettin her 330 a.m yappin ass back inside - then finishin the coffee -- eevee came and went too-- but she doesn't do the damn barkin crap like sushi.  unless there's somethin significant to bark at.  bleh.  all this - and like three inhalers, antibiotics and a slew of other daily meds for my many ailments-- that now include 'possible' pneumonia.   yeh.  that's what i said.  the P word. nope.  don't wanna try to spell that again.  but i went to the doc on friday -- i think.  the doc is no expert on readin x-rays- so could only suspect- and treat me for ugh- pneumonia.  i admit- i have all the symptoms - so i don't think she's too far off - if not right on.  but she wanted to send the x-ray out to radiology to make sure - if it was that- and nothing worse- or less.  i'll get official results tuesday sometime.

all i know is i feel very run down, and sickly.  haven't gone anywhere since the dr on friday.. and aside from a burst of energy and goin though my closet and dresser clothes yesterday - i have done little to nothing else - cept online bills, etc.. and movies online, etc.  just tryin to slow my roll, and not keel over.  been doin pretty good cuttin down on smokin.  i bet i cut out a pack a day-- which, when ya smoke three packs a day -- prolly doesn't matter much one way or another.  but i feel a lil better there.  i do hope to quit someday .  but by now- y'all know i don't have much faith in that happening anytime soon.  i have tried so many times- and so many methods.. nothin ever seems to work out.  only thing that worked was when i was preggo with soulkid.  and y'all KNOW - my preggo days are OVAH!
oh yeh - back to my clothes. wonderin why i did that out of the blue?  well.  i think it was saturday.even tho i felt bad, and wasn't goin anywhere, i just thought i might feel better if i 'got dressed'. besides soulkid had friends comin over.  so- i went and got cleaned up, and went to get clothes on.  so, i was lookin for a pair of pants, that i know fit good-- couldn't find em.  the other pair that fit good-- were right there in my closet - but had already been worn a couple times- so i kept lookin- for clean pants.  i've had the chills with this - whatever - pneumonia, if that's what it is.  so i didn't wanna wear shorts -- i checked my dresser.  i found a pair of jeans -- they used to fit- and they used to fit pretty good too -- about 2 months ago.  i knew i had lost 'some' weight since i wore em last, but didn't think it's be a problem.  i toss em on, zip em, button em, turn around to grab a shirt, and guess what!?  they fell right off and down to the floor!  this would make some folks- especially women happy.  in almost every scenario.  how did I feel?  i got pissed .  worried. concerned.  in fact -- now that i think of it-- this pants issue may have happened before i went to the dr. i think it did.  but it was yesterday that i decided to get rid of all the clothes that don't friggin fit anymore.  even if i do ever get to that size again- i don't think it's gonna be any time soon.so yeh- it was then that i knew somethin was goin on with me.  not that i didn't know already.  it's just that it was to a point i couldn't ignore it anymore. i don't look in the mirror and see a skinny me. i see me at 150 + no matter what i weigh.  thanks mom. i know it's a mental problem, but i also know it is something i can not change.  the only way i ever know how big or small i am, is when i notice if my clothes are gettin too big or small.  and right now- the smallest of small clothes i have?  fall off.  i have to wear a belt! lest i lose my britches.
stress?  perhaps.  but of course-- i just know i am dying -- i just don't know what it is that's 'killing ' me.  lung cancer? adrenal tumor?  some unseen heart issue?  never know.  may never know.  like i've said before-- 'they'll find it on autopsy someday'.   but hey -- whoever's readin this?  i do not want an autopsy!  i don't want my family - any one of em, to see me after that.  no one can ever be prepared to see someone they love after they've been through an autopsy.  and those bastards never prepare a person to see what they're about to see. (*SIGH).

(insert coffee re-fill here )

so.  i haven't written here for quite some time, as you can see.  some days - i just don't bother tryin.  other days i do try- and get the dreaded white screen... and end up angry, frustrated , pissed off - and just want to delete the entire soul world off the internet.  just wipe my existence off the blog map.  then i realize... i had a place here once.  50-60 hits a day at one time.  i felt almost like a real live journalist then.  like dear abby or somethin.  that was great fun.   i really don't know what happened with that.  not sure if it was one of my bi-polar moments-- or if it was when soulkid had her troubles (both a couple years ago).  i do know that when soul land fell onto some seriously hard times and the laughs got silenced for a while.  some folks found better things to do- better places to go.  and that's fine. i know what it's like when folks don't know what to say.  and boy do i now that i leave a lot of folks speechless at times. i did the best i could do under the circumstances - and i still do.  i know i am not the same person y'all knew two or three years ago.  but hey.  my world was a puzzle torn apart- and later, put back together with a few pieces missing.  and in that case- i think i do pretty well with what i have left.  maybe y'all don't agree- and that's fine.  maybe the missing pieces are one or two of you. or parts of.  what do you think?  admit it - there's a distance between a few of us that at least i thought would never ever be less than friends for life.  today?  well, it's just not that way.  aside from a hand-full?  we're blog buddies- at best.  and i don't think you're surprised. i do think you know who you are.  and i actually think you are the only one of the two of us that know WHY that happened. AND, i'm blessed to finally be passed that. for the most part.
if you're wonderin WTH i'm talkin about?  you obviously haven't been comin around here long enough.  my brain works faster than my fingers.  sometimes vice versa.  i can't even keep up with myself.  i'm a lot to handle- and i know that.  and just in case you may have forgotten?  cold weather is comin in a few months.  those are the worst months of the year for me. they have been for years .  every year of my life.  and every year they seem to get worse.  winters i mean.  both physically, and mentally.  i hope you can prepare yourself.  or maybe i need to prepare myself.  i spose i am already trying. to prepare i mean.  i have a lot of under armour clothes.  you know what i'm talkin about right? the fishin/huntin clothes ya wear under your clothes? they're skin tight, so quite comfy as they aren't bulky-- i hate bulky!  remember the oompa loompa suit?  i still have that -- i look like a skeleton in it now.  but it's frickin warm.  i also now have some ski pants-- skin tight-- warm as hell.  and a long sleeved shirt just like it.  i have a full face mask - plastic wind guard thing- with also a ski cap rest of it type thing- yeh i know- that requires a pic.  but i'm armed and ready for a day on the boat in freezin weather -- if i can don my courage .  but yeh, that my friends will take much mustering of courage. and an 80.00 pair of carharrts! i lost my carhartts   in our last move. sexiest damn thing you'll ever see me wear. :))  yep-- i shall don the entire set of gear - and show you how hot i am.  i'll gain thirty pounds in it-- but i'll be warm as toast.  i also plan to buy a sun lamp-- made for folks with SAD= seasonal affective disorder.  can you believe it? on top of everything else -- i have THAT too.  and what a friggin acronym. SAD. in the winter.  just for me? (i know , it's not just me.)

so anyhow.  happy to be postin.  too bad it's not an upbeat post. just not feelin it lately. been bizzy. sickly. stressed out.  you know the drill.

hope you're all havin happy weekends in your worlds peeps!!!

MORE testing

and it looks GOOOOD !
check z last comment box - i said howdy there :))

me thinks i overdid it on the steroids !  does that look like moon head to you?  or just dorky me?

gotta go -- i'm a busy soul lately.  someday i'll get a break :)) ya think?

could it be? am i posting? test - test ?

short test post.  been messin with this for hours .  once again.  this cut-off from my peeps, and lack of blabbin my head off in here is literally drivin me crazy.  mental-crazy-depressed.   c-r-a-z-y!!!
bleh.  maybe i'm finally gettin somewhere?  never can tell tho.  spose i'll try again tomorrow.
speak to me-- at least let me know if anyone reads or checks in anymore eh?

miss every one of ya!

g'nite!

have no idea what to do

i am postin on my desktop/ on explorer right now. ugh. usin an on screen keyboard/with my MOUSE.  very difficult for me in every physical way that you could imagine.
that, my friends, is devotion!

i miss y'all  i miss postin and visiting = it sure aint for lack of  tryin!

happy almost friday y'all

dirty pictures / photo challenge

late again but finally up

feelin dirty?

i am runnin way later than planned on everything so i am outta heah

byyyyyyyyyyyye folks!


NOTE -- we made it !  ugh.  half hour of recovery time - now it's off to shop. oh and you know - shoppin and drivin are surely my most favorite things in life.

anyhow--  i tried my hardest to post this before we left home this mornin, but as per usual, i was not able to.  so -- here ya go.  extremely late -- don't hate :))

once again - i talk too much - comment to post :))

hi y'all -- i just popped in to say howdy -- saw y'all (thanks for the sympathy's - they are so needed!)  you can see that i am post-poning this journey as long as possible.  ;))

still havin coffee, and chillin.  next i have to get my laundry ready that that has been in the dryer all night long-- i just re-ran it to get the wrinkles out.  i hate doin laundry. :((  if i don't finish it tho- i will have NUTHIN to wear.

also - i remembered - when comin in here that i NEED to find dirt photos for the photo challenge .  as usual-- it slipped my mind.  i planned to take - or find some pix last night.  did i?  hell no.  i will tho.  i gotta get my clothes finished - then i'll toss a few pix up.  then i MUST get my self ready to get on the road.

y'all be safe and have great weekends in your worlds !

and just in case i don't have to tell ya -- this has obviously become my post for today ;))

latah -

Happy Friday the 13TH Y'all

i hope y'all have better plans for the night than we do here.  do ya?  tell me about em k?
all that's happenin around the soul crib tonight is watchin the boob-tube , and scarfin down some of soulmans sushi - to go that he's bringin home.  i had a late lunch/early dinner' with soulkid earlier .
no. it was no good.  fish from a burger joint is only not natural.  it shouldn't be trusted.  it was awful.  no alternative tho.  i ate it, and questioned it later.  huge mistake.

anyhow.  soulkid has a friend here for the night - they are out , then tomorrow we are gonna go bum around in austin and school shop.  they will make sure that i am dead before we make it home on sunday.  so my plan is, that if i am able i will use facebook on my phone to keep in touch with y'all, but if for some reason that fails to work out - or if i die prematurely; i will contact the authorities -- or someone here when i return.  :))

love you guys -
hugs and kisses
souliolio

Don't fear - I'm still here. (sorta )

hello peoples, and peoplettes :))  i'm finally able to post here - but it seems a little late for that.  it was a huge surprise when i just realized i was actually posting, when i didn't think i'd be able to.  just figured i'd give it a shot.  i wondered if anyone was lookin for me?  i contacted as many folks (readers and blog friends - (or real friends who read here :))   but that still left several of y'all who i don't know how to get a hold of  me out there - who just may wonder if i kicked the bucket or somethin.

nope.  just decided to make a move.  hoping for less computer and blog issues.  i'm still havin some issues, but it seems i can find my way thru the rough spots and manage alright at the new place.


if anyone wants to swing by and see me -- or anyone you may follow from here that ya just want to keep up with-- swing on by and have a look at the place.  obviously, i'm still workin on it.  it's just a baby at this point.  someday it'll take on the old comfy dive coffee shop feel again.

anyhow -- hope to see y'all over there.  while you're here could ya clean up a little?  i'd hate to see the place get too run down.  :))

see y'all soon.

http://soulissurvivin.blogspot.com/

until then,  ore vois - happy trails --  and be happy in your worlds -- today and every day !

my new first post ! welcome folks !

ola y'all! have ya missed me? i been goin insane not bein able to blog for so long. (shaddup- i hear you already - no it wasn't a long trip) :))
and you know my memory... every day i have had tons to blab about -- and no where to put it all. finally after what has to be at least a couple, maybe a few weeks, my sis tells me on the phone - why fight all these problems? just see if you can open a NEW blog. it was like the angels sang ! it also made me feel very very stupid. just in case i had to inform you. it did. i have spent the last two hours trying to figure out how to move my other blog to this one -- obviously, i have failed at that mission. sad to say. if anyone can help me in that area , please do. my daily , if not hourly fear, is losing the contents of "soul survivor". -- if you don't already have it linked - i'll get that on here soon as i can, cuz today -- have you guessed? my computer is on hallucinogenics !!!!!!! making me wish that i could be too. hey. just for a minute. i don't do that kinda thing. and y'all know- even if i did, it would be a total waste of time and money - cuz well aside from that - cuz i never tried it -- but drugs do nothing for me. bummer huh?

anyhow-- i better go for now-- just wanted to try this out - and let y'all know i'm still breathin. and also that i feel horrible for those of you that i have neglected or lost contact with. i have done the best i could with what i got-- which is my iphone. and ya know i'm blind. so it aint much.
just know i miss you all like crazy -- and i really hope i can get my blog back in one piece . i feel soooo alone.

talk to me peeps ! even if you think i can't - i CAN see you - sometimes i just can't talk back to ya <3 X0

I'M IN !

i'm on my laptop ! i'm on friggin explorer :(( but i'm in !

hello ! at this point this is just a test. i have no idea if it's gonna post - or even work at all. mozilla still won't work. i have no idea as to why it's doin me that way . it is like that on every computer in the house. (three). ugh. it's killin me. i've all but given up. it's kind of a nice break actually. or it would be - if it wasn't so damn frustrating. no thinkin - no pressure - no checkin for posts, messeges etc. but the fact that i can't do ANY type of editing on this thing -- not even to cut and paste when i screw up words - or if my cursor moves to the wrong place and i find i've written half a paragraph where it doesn't belong -- or my photos won't go where i want them to. ugh -- not to mention the fact that i have LOST everything. EVERYTHING - aside from photos - from my laptop this passed several days - in my million and twenty five attempts to fix the damn thing. that's the worst of this entire mess. all the stuff i lost. almost three years of medical research. videos. poems.. once again- bits and pieces of my DAMN book. it's crap. three years of my thoughts, research, memories- that y'all know i can't ever get back -- are GONE! it's just sad-- for me -- and through it all... the frickin laptop still isn't workin .

good part? i found out i do still have a short time -- like less than 60 days left on my warranty !

apparantly i can still get it fixed (maybe) by dell. just a matter of sittin on hold with them for 2 hours. i spose i shall be doin that sometime today. now that is some fun shit.

ok. i spose i'm more upset about this whole thing than i realized. maybe i should just go before i end up just bitch-festing again. i really don't mean to be a crybaby so much. bleh.

i do miss y'all. and once i get things settled around here-- computer probs, kid in school, trips all finalized, soulkids car bought - and drivers license fixed and gotten. (is that a word?) - ugh -- this isn't even to mention my body paralyzing - immobilizing to even think about - disaster of house to clean... omg- i have so much to do i can't stand it. but when i get back on track in life-- i'll be back to my old self - and boy do i have some stories to tell- pictures to show- videos to share (if i ever make em :)) -- this has been the busiest summer we've had in years -- that wasn't full of tragedy - or illness, police and hospitals. we have had a blast !!! i am sure ready for it to be over tho-- cool off, settle down, and get back to my slow, sloth, quiet, clean house havin, life :))

i'll catch yall latah -- hope you all are doin well -- have happy days in your worlds -- looks like i need a day off in mine-- but i have lots to do :))

HELL-OH again :))

howdy folks !

how's things? hopefully good, in y'alls worlds.
and, unless you use face-book, you wouldn't have a clue as to what's happenin here . that's why i'm risking life and limb to 'attempt' an update here.

ok, life and limb is a bit drastic, but not far off. i'm forced to use my desktop computer this passed several days- for any and all things computer related. well cept the few things i do on my phone - but i can't hardly see a thing on there so even that's limited. and here at the desk -- OMG - after the first 15 minutes , my back is on fire with awful burning pain, in my neck and back. it drains me, hurts me, makes me tired -- add meds -- what's that give me? a ruined entire day. for what? a couple hours of 'mainly work stuff' on the computer. cuz blogger has been doin me wrong on every computer in the house, (including a IMAC- i thought they didn't GET viruses? ) - and my laptop is flat lined! even after buyin Mcafee. - and supposedly killing 111 viruses. now it won't even connect to the Internet much less anything else. this mornin i was tryin to move all important pix and files to the desktop - so soulman could remove and replace ALL programs on there - in hopes of fixing whatever the hell is wrong with it. for some reason, all that will "move" is photos', why? how do i move my files , music, and movies? anyone know? i'm usin a chip thing -- whatever it's called. (it goes in your USB port - copies from one cpu to another -- course- not in MY case. :((

so anyhow-- surely you didn't come here to listen to all that junk? what else can i bore you with?

oh -- how 'bout THIS? i didn't make this one.. i hijacked it from my sises blog (yes, another one) i haven't had the means or the time to do anything with my pix - i didn't even take very many while i was out there this trip (arkansas) last weekend. so yeh enjoy her video - as my cpu troubles have disrupted my life all week. not to mention other time consuming 'activities' -- no, sadly, no fishin. all business, no pleasure. oh-- cept for lunch with a friend of mine yesterday -- this is so cool; a story all its own. i'll tell y'all about her when my laptop is fixed. which i hope to be very soon.





(click twice/then watch it big )

ok well, that's entertainment, eh?

i had more to say - but soulman is on his way home, and it looks like we're actually gonna go out for family night-- once again with boyfriend in tow. NO not mine :)) soulkids. dinner. anyone know what's at the movies?

OH CRAP! i just remembered somethin ! guess what y'all? i checked my bank yesterday -- no not that part - that's no surprise i know.. but get THIS --- know what was there? my refund from the massage place!!! every nickel i expected ! 199.95 !!! phew. over and done.

anyways -- i'm outta heah for tonight -- i'll be back when i can be.

happy weekends out there -
hugs all around!
byeeeeeeee

Posting for Soul from Mozilla

Soulman here trying to post under Mozilla for Soul.

Ran some scan and hop to have gotten rid of her virus.

Regards all

OMG ! I'm posting on my laptop !

i don't know how- or why, but it's working!! i'm on explorer - but it's working !
i have been sitiin at my damn desktop for two or three hours - and the nerve pain in my back and neck is fixin ta make me suicidal ! just for shits and grins - i did a 'test ' on my laptop -- and voi- frickin- la -- here i am.

i am also rendered speechless ! believe it - or not. really. i just don't know what to say. aside from that? i need to get ready to go run errands and such... but i shall return. no idea what i'll say -- but i'm sure i'll think of somethin :))

i hope all of y'all are havin happy days in your worlds ! mine just got a hjelluvalot better -- oh man. just the releif of knowing that i don't have to sit at this desk and be tortured any longer makes me happy :))

i shall talk to y'all this evening... and cruise blogland as well... from the comfort of my soul-chair, on my soulass :))

ahhh... the simple pleasures in my little life.

talk to me.. update me... what's goinin folks?

see ya later

PEEK A BOO

Just jumpin in to say howdy !!! we're home from my sises place in Arkansas for this past weekend.

no time for deets right now . i am so screwed in computer land. my laptop AND my desktop have a crippling virus ! the DT may be saved.. the laptop -- well? it's F*^$#D.

oh and by the way -- as you can see , by the lovely arrangement and order of the photos above - i just did this post -- on the desktop -- on explorer.... and guess what?

EPIC FAIL !!

well, folks better jump back outta here before i blow up or my desk-top melts. eegads! whaddabunchacrap!!!

well peeps -- next weekend will be the LAST of the soul- trippins' of summer 2010 . oh man. i am so done traveling. the drive across town and back today damn near killed me. i never wanna drive again...

oh wait.. what? oh yeh. :)) where to? Lubbock Texas. long weekend at aunt wandys place - gramma j - will meet us there for a visit with her soul-grand-daughter . so yeh - a family thang.

other than that? not a lot. recovering from the trip, and goin blind at the same time.

for now? grown ups have the house to themselves for the night. this like never ever neverever happens. soulman brought SUSHI home for dinner :))

see you folks again -- when i see you again :))

talk to me ! what's goinm on in your lives people?

hellooowwww?

would i be considered insane if i through my laptop into the living room wall? because i'm gettin really close to doin that. first, my favorite and only browser, Mozilla, got some kinda 'illness' and stopped working for blogger. at first it was only for posting here -- tonight, i have realized that on certain blogs, it now, won't allow me to comment ! i am oh so fed - up ! for a week, or so - give or take - my back -up 'explorer , has been my alternative. allowing me to post here and comment elsewhere etc. keeping my head from exploding , but now? NOW, what am i to do? i am now on the browser called 'safari'. my last and only hope. if this post won't publish, or has some other type of issue? i spose this could be the end of 'soul-survivor.'

could this be God's way of forcing me to finally shut UP? or maybe -- just maybe -- a way to put my writing efforts into the ever to 'never' be written book i been talkin about for the last 20 years of my life?

it very well may be. ya know, i had a bad night last night. neck pain from hell. waking up every single hour or two. up and down. to the couch, back to bed. it was a full fledged nightmare. know what it led to? well for starters -- i missed my day today. the entire day. just didn't exist. cuz i was asleep. if i wasn't asleep asleep/ or passed out... i was simply in a percocet fog. and i do mean the entire day. soulman called at five -- "how was your day?' -- 'what day- i didn't have one" -- you lost it?' - most definitely did.'.

that made me wonder for a minute that if when folks have those extra long days -- if they're being forced to make up time for the folks who 'waste' their days sleepin. the child suffering for their fathers sin.. in some whacky way. ya know? yeh- i'm kidding. not about having the thought-- but about it bein a possibility.

so ya. wasted days and wasted nights. another song - with me in mind. hmmm.

well- if you're wonderin what i may have been doin in the half way lucid moments of the night and day? among various time wasters... i wrote a pretty long, and incoherent blog post. i didn't even know about it-- til about an hour or two ago. it's gonna take a lot of thought and pondering, before i decide if i should - or will post it or night. it's a real 'soul-post' - i'll tell ya that much. and from what i gathered -- it was intended to be - light hearted , jovial, and a fish story. trying to move away from the cry baby bullshit of the last week or so. unfortunately -- it was 90 percent of the same -- and 10 percent of the fish story -- which that part was sleep blogging typo hell. but a cool pic. :)) spose i can at least put the pic here now and tell the story later -- cuz somehow -- even after screwin a whole night and day of sleep and wake into reverse order-- i'm actually kinda tired right now. so i reckon i'll hit the sack -- and pray the pain stays away - at least enough to sleep. and have a real day tomorrow.

y'all fill in the blanks - and see if you were close when i tell the story manyana eh?

"soul wrestles alligator gar in TN !"

yee haw !!! safari worked !!!! woo hoo !

so much to blab about - so little time -- :((

all i got time for now is this -- which is actually a facebook post - or reply - or whatever - that refused to post due to is length. i haven't had that problem in some time. it's been lettin me blab my head off for weeks. oh well-- i'm runin late for my appointment - so i really gotta go for now -- i'll add more later .

somethin i didn't add in the body of this - cuz we were still workin out the deets -- is this --- i have a lunch 'date' with an old friend of mine from NAVY -A-school from waaaay back in the day --- i'm pretty excited about it. she's one of the few i never forgot about. y'all know i forget a lot. and many of those peeps were drinkin buddies. sure i miss a lot of them.. but half of em, i either remember a first name - or mainly a last name - and some, no name at all. i do remember good times. and of course the times we got in trouble. this girl always felt like a little sister. she was the youngest in our group-- and i always watched out for her. i can't wait to hear about the last 25 years of her life ! we're havin coffee this afternoon. (did i say that)?

so anyhow - here's the rest of my day-- in a - nut-house - umm 'nut-shell' :))

one more damn dr. - in less that an hour. yes i am still in my jammies, waiting as long as i possibly can. it's not even a 'test' - for once. i just don't wanna GO. it's painless, monthly - pee test - fill RX thing with the pain dr. plus we'll go over 'how i feel' fter the procedure' yesterday. all i can say is the numby is wearin off- it doesn't feel 'fat' in the back---and would ya believe -- it HURTS. well, before my magic pills. it's tolerable now. but i am highly disappointed. yet- still optomistic. there's still time for it to do it thing. it could work. look how long, and what hell i went thru with the rhizotomy... it worked for many months - and i didn;t even realize it! gimmee time - i'll try not to cry baby- happy tuesday peoples <3
ok- i am outta heah

smile - grin - or tell someone a dumb joke -- why not- right-

i'm runnin as fast as i can ---

hiya peoples , how's things in y'alls world (s) ?
i hope it's all good. hard for me to tell, seein as no one's postin today.

as for me , and my world? should i even post about it? i do wonder. i also know some of you have been waitin to see how this particular situation would pan out. so i may as well , right? it's certainly not the way i wanted to spend my morning. and i sure didn't react the way i imagined i would. well, wait. maybe i did. perhaps that is why i 'couldn't' deal with it in the first place. or maybe i should say why i 'wouldn't' deal with it. regardless, i didn't have much of a choice , when my cell phone rang - the first time, at about 11 this morning. can you guess who it was? i didn't - not when i saw the number anyhow-- it was a unfamiliar number when i saw it on my phone. i answered anyways. turned out it was some guy who worked at the 'massage place' that i have been talkin about lately. (originally) he had called to inform me that the location i have been going to was relocating. the guy was polite and professional... and obviously had no clue of what I had been dealing with concerning this business. once he mentioned the relocating tho -- i became instantly pissed off. surely you knew that was coming right? well, yeh - it happened - and i first, let it be known that not only would i NOT be relocating with the business, but i had also cancelled this account AND been charged after the cancellation. i want my money back, etc etc etc. I
hate to say it - but i blindsided the poor guy. all he was doin was notifyin clients of a move. and i ripped right into him. you gotta remember that i have had this - and more on my mind for a few weeks now, and it was set free with only the name of the company. just like a chamagne cork!
first, i started with explaining -- ok, bitchin about the financial history of my beef with them... then -- i said something that i HAD to explain. i honestly had no other choice than to let him know what the hell i was talkin about -- or i would most likely have the police knocking at my door at some really near future moment. i told him that if i didn't get my money back "bad things will happen". OOPSY. he went totally silent. i bet fifteen seconds passed -- finally i said -- wait. not like that. ugh. so i went from there to explain that what i meant was that people would lose their jobs. -- OMG. i even scared myself. i can only imagine what he must have been thinking i meant with that. and do you know what he said after my first bit of explaining myself? and the jobs thing? he said that the guy i have been thinking and TOLD was the owner of this place -- is NOT. that, among other things he - the maNseusse told me - was a LIE. a way of 'protecting' himself? after he told me that? i sang like a damn canary !!!! told him the only reason i hadn't told anyone before this was cuz i thought he was the owner, and i didn't want people to lose their jobs ! he said he would have the 'new' manager call me around noon. she did. about 1230 actually. i tried to have her talk to soulman... he didn't know what to say - so i ended up with the phone anyhow--- and ended up friggin crying.. with both of em.. the first guy and her. bleh. who knew? i knew i didn't wanna talk about it-- but i didn't know it would make me friggin CRY. good Lord. so, of course, she feels terrible about all of this, and is tryin to make it all right etc. i explain to her how many times i had told different people to freeze and/or cancel my account -- to no avail.. etc... then of course -- the deets of ASSHOLE. this doesn't seem to 'surprise her-- but she does want a lot of details. which i can't seem to really get into. if ya know what i mean. all i can say is "inappropriate ,m and unproffessional" etc. but it still even just that much makes me cry like a bitch. finally, i ask her -- have there been more complaints about him... i can tell by her tone of voice -- it almost even sounds pat tense when she talks about him-- there have been others-- but she can't tell me. i knew i wasn't the only one .. but from the sound of it -- i think this bastart went too far with the wrong person -- other than just me -- got his ass turned in.. and it costs that business to go under. they didn't 'move'. they got shut down, and are moving customers to another place. sound about right to you? that fucker needs to - and i hope he gets arrested ! i bet i'm not the only one that fell for the -- oh he's the owner- people will lose their jobs' thing. finally someone didn't give a damn and spoke up ! well, good for her ! whoever she is.

it was a rough couple hours for me- but it looks like i will be gettin my money back -- after refusing the free massage she offered -- oh really -- no thanks - i'll live the rest of my life without another masssage thank you. only thing i'm left wondering is this ---- will i be called in at a later date to testify against mr. molester in court? ugh. i would do it -- but now i know i'll freakin cry.

on that happy note? i must foragefor fooood.

maybe i'll come back later. maybe i won't.

what are y'all doin today?

i need a re-fill

i also need some friggin glasses, that i can see out of. geesh. maybe i'll actually make that appointment soon. seein as i'm goin to one dr. or another every other day lately anyhow. i really can barely see. i swear it gets worse by the week too. for several months i've been waitin for soulman to get his glasses before i get mine. has he got his yet? noops. he did get his prescription. just not his glasses. so, as i get more and more blind -- his rx, sits behind a magnet on the refrigerator door. i can't wait any longer. not one more week. monday -- ok maybe tuesday - due to the 'procedure' on monday... tuesday , if he hasn't done somethin-- or even if he has -- i have to make my eye appointment. my rx, is at least two or three years old -- trifocals -- and they just don't even come close to working anymore. i must get re-checked and get new glasses. it's not fun to be unable to see, read, do business, etc. especially when i have been filling out as many forms and such as i have been lately.

ok, i'll get moovin on now.

sorry for that last little rant -- but this friggin -explorer' font won't go big like mozilla. or if it does -- it goes back to small, every time i change anything. does it make me mad? you know it does. - tear-

do any of y'all watch the TV series Saving Grace? ever since i got Netflix a few weeks ago -- i have literally become addicted to that show. i had never watched it before. i got netflix, and have in a matter of maybe 3 weeks wiped out the ender first three seasons. i have one last disc on the way. it could have anywhere from one to four shows on it. the last disc on the last couple seasons had one or two shows on em. i hope this one will have more. i just can't get enough of that show. i think maybe in some way i can relate to 'grace'. i also think i have 'claimed my own Earl". recently -- like within the last day or two. go ahead call me crazy. i don't mean that i see or talk to an angel. not a 'real one' at least. but i did acknowledge 'my earl' walking into one of these damn appointments -- the one yesterday i think. i know mary, and jamie, and a couple others really can relate to all this medical shit. the questions, the waiting, the wondering, and the asshat doctors who honestly seem to not care- or notice what we as chronic patients of one thing or another actually live with on a daily basis-- and how a simple comforting answering -- good or bad -- just to be treated like an adult - and to be acknowledged that we are talking of our own body -- might be nice once in a while. why they treat our own lives as a secret sometimes isn't right. i've seem to come to realize , that as much as i hate it -- my answers lie and will be found on autopsy. therefore told soulman, have an autopsy -- but do not, under any circumstance, look at me afterwards. have me cremated. obviously i won't know if he does that-- but if he doesn't i KNOW in my heart -- he will regret it if he does.

OMG -- sorry.wanna know what i PLANNED on writin?

let's start over k?

HI GUYS!

what's up peoples.
my coffee's cold and almost gone. sure wish i had a minion to get me a re-fill :))
come on in and smoke with me !

anybody do anything last night?
we did. we took soulkid and soul-boy-toy -- that name is just no good --* note to self - find better bf name.
took them to dinner and a movie. good and fun evening. we ate at macaroni grill. and we watched ---- inception. with decaprio and ellen page - and many other 'stars' in it. it was - i hate to admit - a bit over our heads. we talked about it afterwards. it was a 'good' movie. it was just kinda -- i don't know -- scientific??? somethin like that. it was a thinkin movie. but it's worth seein, i guess. good special effects, and acting, of course. i don't know what to tell ya -- i spose since most my buds here are women? wait for the DVD? yeh. how bout that. save some money, but do see it.

ummm... now what? AHA-- i saw somethin in world market the other day when me and soulkid went bummin around town. last weekend? maybe? i wanted to buy it.. but i was flyin on the cheap that day, and i really thought it was over- priced. i immediately thought of my pal 'debbie' :))
i'm sure the damn pic is gonna post at the very top and not let me move it down here -- so i won't even upset myself about it -- so the monkey up top belongs HERE. so Debbie -- one day when i feel rich -- i'mm gonna get him for you :)) hope ya like him. i do !

anyhow folks . i had a rough nite sleepin last night -- have a feelin today will require a nap. i'm already thinkin i'm up before the birds so i may go pond fishin before it gets hot. of course my fuel light came on yesterday when i pulled into the driveway :(( that may change things. but maybe not- i could use somethin to drink, and have nuthin here. other than that? it's cleaning day at the soulcrib !! woo hoo !

hope y'all have happy saturdays !

and a very happy birthday to my eldest nephew -- he turns the big 3-0 today :))
benna benna benna - come sit on da poach !!!!!

i'll take a raincheck wez ... maybe in arkansas eh?
love you!

howdy folks - is it friday yet?

what's happenin in your world peoples? hope it's all goin smoothe and well. happy too?

here? hmmm. pretty much the same as usual, for lately. cept the fact that it looks like i just need to get used to usin 'explorer' for anything blog related. no. i am not happy about that. i also realize there's not much i can do about it either. so, i shall adapt. if i do anything well, adapting is at the top of my list. like a cat i spose. my entire life has been about 'change'. so much so -- if i were around back in the day -- i could have authored "The Serenity Prayer".

(which BTW - if F'N explorer worked the way mozilla DID - i would have put RIGHT HERE)

but as you can see -- i can't post on mozilla. i have to post on explorer -- which i am sure many of YOU do, and have done since the beginning of time. i bet y'all don't have these issues. do ya? bet y'all cut and paste, copy and cut and paste, all day long. huh? well... not me. don't ask me why either. cuz i can't tell ya why. soulman just spent at least an hour trying to fix this issue with my computer. to no avail. obviously. all 'we' came to discover? is that it involves 'google analytics' - and it is damn near impossible to get rid of. he tried and tried, to the point of gettin too irritated to go any further - for the time being. i don't even know WTF google analytics IS, save the fact that the only thing i have problems with on mozilla is BLOGGER. the main thing i use on here. the other being my banks and bills - occasionally facebook. my main contact with the world outside my front door is right HERE. with y'all. and some damn 'bug' or somethin has to mess up all of it and piss me off. ERG. i don't like bein pissed off. i like it when i can be all lalalalala and dumbassy. ya know? i hate to be all serious and angry all the time. it's just not how i want to be. and right now i don't need this shit. i need the distraction of bein a 'nut' as one of my pals calls me. it doesn't take much to entertain me. but lately i have been just wound too damn tight. so much so -- i backed out on plans to go on the boat and fish today. it's gotta be a first for me. well.. i prolly have done it before - but i bet only if i was sick or somethin. today i just have the blahs. plus --

i had the belly MRI this morning. it went alright. only thing that bothered me was i kept havin to hold my breath -- and folks i tell ya -- this smokin for most of my life has surely done me NO favors at all. i kept thinkin that if i were to ever 'drown' i'd go fast. i didn't count or anything, but really she pushed me to my limits of how long i could hold my breath, that's fo shizzle. it almost hurt at times.

anyhow--- i'll let ya know what they say when i hear back. she did tell me to drink a lot of water today though- and during the test - same as the one last week - i got an IV.. so i kinda figured along with that and the bah hum bugs today - why put myself in a situation where i might dehydrate? right. so as i write this i do wish i were fishin.. but it is pushin 100 degrees this afternoon, i'm kinda happy to be inside .

i would like to say that THIS was my final medical rodeo for a while. sad to say it was not. i mentioned the neck problems in one of recent posts - maybe the last one? well... i am scheduled for a "occipital block", for this coming Monday. can't wait. yeh. that's sarcasm. i haven't even googled it yet. sounds painful. also, i have researched that set of nerves and muscles a million times over the last few years. (occipital nerves, etc). they control and manage a LOT of what we do-- mainly without thought. like SEE. walk. move our hands and feet. and so much more. i have to go three times. prolly over the next six weeks. monday obviously #1. am i nervous? you bet yer ass i am. that's why i haven't 'seen' dr. google yet. i worry enough already. what if i go blind? what if i can't move my head? what if it HURTS for WEEKS or MONTHS - like the rhizotomy did? what if it ruins my plans to go to visit my family in arkansas? i haven't seen my nephews in a very long time! what if i am able to go - but can't DO anything? this is not to mention that each needle i take is costing us 150.00 ! plus -- i figured out that THIS is the place that wants near 350.00 .. and unfortunately, NOT the place that i paid 303.00 to right before TN. nope THAT went to the place that just did the belly scan. i'm just screwed y'all. i am in a pit of medical and financial HELL.

and ya know what else? i just realized i'm hungry. my neck fuckin hurts! my house looks like hell ran thru -- 180090 times! i have been crying almost daily for five days -- for things i would laugh at on any other day. i am crawling under rocks that i hurl at someone on any other day. what is happening to ME guys?

is it age? pain? fed - up-ness? i'm t-i-r-e-d. of e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

just love meh.

spose i'll feed my face and check up on you folks in a bit.

hope you all are happy in your worlds today --

it IS fried-day !!! whooooooT

happy weekends to you -