it's "howdy dudy" time!

mornin folks!

i shoulda been a weather guesser -- know why? cuz i would think i could do a better job than these people do around here lately.

have a look-

what's wrong with this picture?

69.6 °F

Overcast
(27 minutes ago)

(forecast for friday?)

59° F | 38° F

yep-- it's like 6:45 in the morning--and already almost 70 degrees... the sun is even comin up--ohhhh NO- i am not complainin about that. it's just that if you look at the forecast - for today-- we are already ten degrees above the predicted high for the entire day. how stupid. what kind of education do these people need-- or get?




yesterday was off too-- strangely, also by ten degrees. you won't believe how hot it got. we hit 95 degrees yesterday! in frickin february.



did i go outside---ummmm no.
i really regret that-- but i was very busy with other crap -- that my mind tells me cannot wait an hour or two. ugh. so-- that would be a resounding "NO, i did not." -- on the did i go fishin yesterday question. dammit. but i'm goin today. well, i hope to. i'll get back to you on that. cuz i do still have a ton of shit to do.













plus, i was thoroughly exhausted-- from no sleep the night before-- and no nap all day either-- i really hate the not sleeping part of this crap
-- but then.. there are times-- could go on for weeks-- that i sleep too much-- like 15 - 16 hours a day if i include a four or five hour nap.









this bi-polar shit really is for the bears :))












AND THEN-- there's soulkid bein home all all day, which is like havin "pig pen" from charlie brown here all damn day.. leavin little messes every damn where -- for , yep, you guessed it--












ME to clean up my horrid kitchen..etc-- that didn't get done yesterday. well, the dishes did, but ya couldn't tell now. ERG!






SO--- my plan of the day (POD) for today is .. well, i should actually be ready to go by now--to group-- that lasts til noon--but usually doesn't really get out til 12:20-12:30..
so half the day is gone already by the time i leave there.
then i "could" take care of my business-- post office, pay a couple late bills in person . -



AAAND--- the dreaded come home and clean my sty-- ugh-- soooo fun!















OR-- i could wear shorts--and vans --load my fishin rods and tackle--on the way to group-- and head straight to my pond after i'm done there. and just fish til i turn blue!




hmmm...... it doesn't take a genius to figure that one out--does it?



besides----- i need to get UP offa my lazy arse-- the new meds are makin me FAT! and don't even say it's not true-- i got weighed at the doc-- i have already gained six pounds!
somebody haelp me!!!!







welp--- on that happy note-- i must go get ready and hit the road runnin. specially if i gotta load fishin gear.

HAPPY FRIDAY PEEPS!
(nanannanana)

it's 3 a.m. - ish ...

and it is 67 degrees outside! -- if it wasn't dark, i would be on my way to the pond right now! but-- obviously, it's dark, and will be for several more hours.
(well, not counting the twenty minutes i just wasted in my ADHD distraction.... focus, soul. dammit.)

so anyhow--- where was i. hmmm, nowhere really yet eh? oh fishin. i hope i can make that happen, and still be productive around here-- not a whole lot has been taken care of house -wise this past week... but my business stuff is gettin there. that stuff just fries my brain, and by the time i am ready to stop workin on the money-or lack thereof-- i'm ready for my jammies, and to just get comfortable somewhere. so, no extra activities--or chores are gettin far . but i do what i can, when i can. seems like the best way to find the finish line, ya think?

well anyhow.. "today" - seein as i haven't slept at all -- wednesday-- it's still kinda "today".. ugh.
well... it started ok-- well, except for the panic attack-- but ike i said hubby called before i totally freaked. so that was a help.
after that, i got ready and left for the group thing. at that time i was feelin pretty ok.
well--- til later. i ended up in the hot seat again. only the second time-- but it's just never comfortable there. i don't offer up much in group--- so i get called on now and then.. today was one of those now- or - thens.
some of you know i'm comin pretty close to one of my "bad" months-- or time of year i should say. for several years, i would end up in a hospital around this time of year. it took about five years to realize that--- but once i did--- it changed. i became more aware of the triggers, and the thinking, and decided to just try to get through on my own..well..with meds of course. (RX).
this time-- i will admit i'm a little more concerned than i have been in the last few--or couple years. just because i am still stabalizing on new meds--- i'm trying to get passed all this shit i just went through with my kid and myself-- and no folks-- soulman is not immune to stress or pain--- he just handles it better than us girls. hmmm, or not. maybe i should just say he handles it differently-- not so much better. but he has never had to be admitted for psyche over any of this. i gotta give him kudos for that---- i have seen him on the brink-- but he pulls himself out-- eventually. it's just a little tough during the waiting process.

oh hell.. here i go, blabbin away like i know what i'm talkin about. ugh. i haven't slept at all tonight. i was just settling in, i had taken my meds, i prolly woulda shut down everything and been asleep by 1130 --- IF --- circumstances wouldn't have prevailed.

i don't even know how to explain it-- so i won't even try--- but i will say-- it had to do with my two souls. one picked a fight with the other-- for no apparent reason.. except to that particular soul peep. UGH. i just don't understand what went down between them... but for me? it was all over with. my drowsiness from the meds--and time-- had all but flip flopped on me. another freaking panic attack for the day. the yelling around here has settled down so much this last month or two-- that i have just learned--or am learning to be more calm---sometimes. but tonight-- jees-0-pete, man. i had to get up-- go in my office--get online--get some headphones and tunes goin. i had to escape-- and since the xanax didn't do it-- welp-- here i am, at 343 am. ha, dammit, if i woulda watched the time-- i might have made it by 333. :))

anyhow. i just don't know what to say.
i guess i'll make some coffay-- i shall return.. hopefully with a new or fresh thought in this empty head of mine.

i'm back. nuthin fresh-or-new came to mind. well, my coffee is fresh--and new. does that count? thought not. oh well.

so anyhow. i think i'm kinda stuck here. i spose i'll go and finish up payin some bills, etc.....
today is gonna be another really nice day-- a little cooler but not much--- i can still don my shorts and vans-- and go fishin !
i'm even gonna "make" soulkid go with me. she doesn't like to fish-- but if or when she does-- she realizes "catching" them is pretty cool.

i'll update later

til then
ore vois peeps

another busy day ahead --

howdy folks--
i'm writing something i didn't plan on writing when i started--- but that's just me, and how my mind works these days.
i already had some of these pix up, so maybe i'll just work both ideas into this thing. yep-- it's early-- ok, not so early, but my brain just hit overdrive---

did i ever mention to y'all that i have PTSD?? well, i'm sure i have , somewhere along the way here--- BUT, one part of this diagnosis is-- the sound of sirens. depending on where my family is , or sometimes where i am... it can cause mild, to severe panic attacks with me.

this is due to something that happened years ago-- that i don't have time or effort to get into right now--- but trust me, it's valid... and it sucks.

so-- gettin on with this thing--

soulman just left for work-- maybe ten minutes before i began to hear sirens. LOTS of sirens. it had to be cops, ambulance, fire truck - paramedics. the whole shebang.,and they were close-- and loud.
i went straight into my panic mode-and thinking--

he got in a wreck.. it's him.. i should drive over and look down the street--- a hundred thoughts went thru my head in a matter of seconds. i HATE IT! i have been this way for about 20 years. it's a fear, and panic that even anxiety meds don't help. (much), but right now, i am not on any meds-- (note to self--take a.m. meds) :))

so anyhow--- the sirens --- ugh --- i just new it was close--whatever "it" was-- and must be bad cuz there was so many.

eegads! y'all just don't know what it does to me.

one of two "moods" will overtake me today---

THIS?
or THIS_

BUT-- hey ---
luckily soulman is well aware of my panic disorder-- and many of the triggers for it..

so, before i could worry for too long---
he called me.. to let me know-- it was right down the street--- but it was not him.
PHEW.

apparently a highschool girl was driving in front of him...
and flipped her car!!!!
OMG. how scary--
(having a hubby and an almost driving kid--
i don't even wanna think of car wrecks!)
anyhow he said he stopped---of course-- and helped her out of her car-- called 911 etc...
her parents showed up while we were on the phone.
apparently she wasn't hurt-- but i'll bet she's gonna be feelin some pain later.

so anyhow--- her windows fogged up-- and she couldn't see-- and ended up on her side in a concrete culvert.
she was just inexperienced---
she shoulda stopped --or rolled her window down... or any number of things to clear her windshield ---

SO--
note to moms and dads- with driving kids---
add foggy window solutions to your list of --
"if this happens while you're driving-isms.

and be sure to tell 'em , before
THAT happens.

=============================================

anyways , i am late gettin ready to go , so i gotta get offa heah---

but THIS-

was gonna be my original post for the day----
i had planned on bitching about hubby and his x-box 360 addiction.
but i think i'll just be glad he is ok today-- and the girl in the wreck is ok---
and it can ALWAYS be worse---
no matter wth, you think is so bad.

happy humpday!!!

you know you're jealous -

have you seen such a beautiful day at this time of year?

man, it was a good day today-- and temps around here-- 79-80 degrees F.

can you believe it? and i was too busy to fish! bum-mer.

i busted my ass today.. still doesn't feel like i did much-- but i actually did. i bet i put in an easy twelve hour day. now i'm fixin ta pass out.

a couple things i did get finished? taxes-- almost all the way sorted.

but i do still have a looong way to go.



i just wanted to show these weather reports-- cuz i know many of you are stuck in cold, and or, snow.

have a gander---

76° F | 61° F	81° F | 52° F	61° F | 41° F	54° F | 32° F	56° F | 36° F
Partly Cloudy	Partly Cloudy	Partly Cloudy	Clear	Clear
Hourly	Hourly	Hourly	Hourly	Hourly

it hit 81 degrees here today-- and i was too busy to fish. dagnabit! woulda been a perfect day to catch 'you" a delicious bass :)).

how bout this?

in further tx weather news

... The first 90 degree temperatures of the year in North Texas...

Although most parts of North Texas saw temperatures in the 70s to
lower 80s... the extreme western sections saw temperatures climb
above 90 degrees this afternoon. Breckenridge in Stephens County
climbed to 95 degrees. A surface low pressure system had moved to
just northeast of Graham by mid afternoon with an accompanying
trough extending southwest to just east of Eastland. Behind this
low and trough... winds were westerly and the air was very dry.

Although temperatures in the 80s and higher are well above
normal... they are not unheard of. Last year... on February
25th... most of the region saw temperatures in the 80s. Dallas Fort Worth Airport /dfw/ and Breckenridge both reached 88 degrees and Waco reached 84 degrees.
Back in 1996... Waco reached their record high for the month of February with 96 degrees on both the 21st and 22nd. Also in 1996... dfw reached 95 degrees on February 21st... their second warmest February temperatures. Dfw set the record high for
February of 96 degrees back on February 25 1904.

well, there's your weather history lesson for the day :))

now-- take a look at the forcast---- it may hit 81 again today !
this is my kinda weather!
i have a room for rent -- i'll take ya fishin too. c'mn peeps!
(you don't really have to rent it-- you just have to sleep in the room with the litter-box :))


i didn't get to fish tho-- i was just entirely too busy. and it really bummed me out.

maybe next time--i'll have a do nothing day-- and do whatever i want!

like cleaning when i find my mojo. nah-- screw that--- this weather most definitely calls for fishin!!!

so anyhow-- soulkid starts home school tomorrow. along with a schedule and regimen. this sittin around doin nuthin every day for her-- is killin me!

cuz , that's just the way it is-

this is when i think she and i --- should watch more tv together-- or go to the movies--- just anything. change. it really can be be healing.

i really am doin the best i can right now---
i just--as usual--don't think it's good enough.



but hey--
ya can't blame me for tryin.
right?

or- can you?


chow peoples

it's 6 a.m have you seen my brain?

yep-- that really is my car ---
i told ya 333 is not good luck..

mornin peoples--


i just can't get it together folks. i swear i think the psycho hospital must've done something to my brain.. like electric shock-- or maybe a lobotomy ! that i don't remember.
my memory hasn't been "right" for several years-- but lately-- since a day or two before i got out of the hoosegow -- my memory is just CRAP! not as bad as when i was in , or even a couple days later-- but i still just don't remember stuff.
a few examples? for one-- i can be cruisin blogs... and i will read a post-- that to me, is new..or one i haven't seen before-- then i'll go to comment on it-- and guess what? there I am.. having already commented a day or two before. sometimes even that morning! i have to say, i am getting quite upset about it.
another thing? the most recent being just this morning... i woke up around five-ish ... i started to just try to go back to sleep-- then i thought - "oh hell, it's saturday !" -- "maybe i can grab my buddy on chat--if she's up.."

well guess what? y'all, i'm sure y'all already know this-- but it's flippin TUESDAY! WTH???
aaaand i feel just about like
<--------- HIM! ugh.





i'm beginning to get pissed off at my neuro doc-- i really think he didn't see the importance of my (new and worse) memory problem--
but he could have and should have at least looked at the MRI films.
i want to know what "lesions" are on my brain-- and what that means. and if it has anything to do with my memory. or a stroke-- like the other doc said--who did the mri. this is my brain folks-- if i get any worse with my memory-- or moods--or any of these stupid things goin on lately--- someone better just do me in... i am not gonna go thru the rest of my life being a moron. ugh.

oh, before i forget :))
i have to ask y'all.... does this kid look creepy, or what? she looks like a friggin ax murder to me! it's a sandwich kid, chill the hell out!
ugh... freak-ay serial killer in the making, i say.

oh, so anyhow--

these are not MY fence-- but similar...



it's still dark outside-- but later on, i will try too get my own fence up here-- so you can see --- "if it aint one thing, it's another".... UGH

such as.. bein stuck right here and not able to write below those pics.
they just keep movin down as i type,
and it's quite irritating. :(
AHA-- i fixed it! (i hope.)

(THESE ARE MY FENCE ---)

(it's cuz i'm me ya know)

of course y'all know i will never
be caught up-
but , one can hope-
right?

ok anyhow-- not much else goin on around here. aside from the fact that i have a huge mess on my hands after a week of accomplishing very little around here. well.. i did get caught up on my kitchen..

yup-- dishes too! :))

and my umpteen loads of laundry-- of course that is a never ending task, much like the dishes.. but at least i'm not overwhelmed by those things today.

(oooh--she's got the right idea eh?)

(looks like MY couch, but it's not)

i also have most of my tax crap sorted.... that alone took DAYS. ok many hours a DAY--for DAYS. it wouldn't be so bad, if i could be more organized with the med , dr's, and rx rcts through the year-- then it would just be all right there when it was time to get on it. but noooooo----- i have to go thru every drawer, file, and cubby hole at tax time-- to find these rct's .. which in the end NEVER make a difference in our refund. so, why do i bother? i spose cuz i just have hope that one day-- all the cash i pour out for these things.. will come back in one way or another. ugh... there's just so many of theeem!



but, i do believe i am pretty close to just adding it all up now-- and there's ALOT.


i bet a third of our money goes to medical shit-- at least this year it did. ugh. i am not lookin forward to the total tally on that ... but rest assured, i'll be bitchin about it later. :))



alright peeps.. i reckon i shall get outta heah, and try to be productive today---

my never ending list is gonna be big as a quilt if i don't get off my arse early . and wouldn't ya know it-- speaking of medical bills-- i have a stupid appointment smack in the middle of the day--- i know after that, i will be outta gas-- it takes a lot out of a person when they hate their doc. (endocrinologist today).

so anyways-- y'all have happy days in your worlds today---
i don't expect happy in mine-- but busy is good-- sometimes.
laterz y'all...

the cat down there has the rythm for almost any song

too bad i can't dance anymore--- i lost my groove a LONG time ago.
what is it about the two small words "i do" ?
seems once those words were exchanged-- we never danced again. well, ok not never again-- but it is like a distant memory these days... and we used to go every single friday night. well, until -- you know.

anyhow-- i just thought i would check in with you folks... i'm behind again i know--
just kill me guys. i just can't seem to get or stay caught up with anything. ever. and now -- three days a week are half gone , before i even know what hit me. the outpatient thing takes more time than it should-- or than i thought it would.
is it worth it? hmm.. dunno yet. i only talked in there once (in the last hour it's when it gets down and dirty.) and so, i got in the hot seat-- somehow--- and off i went. it wasn't terrible... but it wasn't fun either.

so-- like i said -- i'm goin to bed -- before i babble like a brook..
speakin of a brook-- where's summer? spring would be ok too. i wanna go fishin.

oh well-- all in it's own time.
i was gonna say -- all in good time... but the word good, just doesn't fit lately--

hoping you all are happy in your worlds--
:))
toodles!

dance with me

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my give a damn's busted

so is my thinker. i have been sittin here for half an hour-- waiting for soulkid to get up--so she can have the first shower. yep-- three of us sharing one shower is pretty much a bitch , but -- ugh .. let's not go there.




but anyhow-- it has been a total waste of my get ready time.. because -- you prolly remember-- she doesn't have to get up anymore-- not at 5 or 6 at least-- because-- she doesn't need to be dropped off at school anymore.
have i mentioned that my memory is busted too?



however, i DO need to get on the ball about this homeschool thing. her books and stuff showed up in the mail yesterday. all.. 300.00 worth of it. this better be what she wants-- and she better be willing to do the work for it. i've heard good things about homeschool-- but of course it has it's pitfalls too. i'm not ready to deal with motivating her for school "here".. but i did get a new--new to me.. desk..and am passing my old one down to her-- so at least she can have a "work environment" aand hopefully do what's expecting of her. ugh. i'm not looking forward to it-- but there is online help with it-- tutors etc.. so it just may not be so bad. (my lack of schoolness knowledge i mean).

anyone got a match?

so-- i have my outpatient group thing goin on this morning. i go from 9-12.. but leave around 815 or so. if i'm motivated to get ready-- and today-- i'm just not.

but i gotta do what i gotta do. ugh.


i don't know what else to say here.. obviously my mind is on several different things-- and responsibilities of all of the soulclan-- and some of y'all.


and what a lovely can-o-worms this has turned out to be- i even got the mysterious underlining from nowhere.
good thing we have a therapy hog in group--
seriously-- she takes the entire group time on herself. but hey-- gives the rest of us time to not think about our own stuff. this gals much worse a basket case than the rest of us. ugh.




but hey-- the more she talks about herself-- the less i have to talk about my shit. bah. she really is hard to deal with tho-- ugh. maybe if i hit her in the head-- she'll realize the rest of us are payin this place too--- and NOT to be HER counselor. eegads-- she even overwhelms the counselor.

welp--time sure flies when ya have shit to do. but it drags it's ass on the slow boring days.





speaking of today---
check out the weather comin my way-- i do believe that fishin is order-- soon!

Sunny	Partly Cloudy/Wind	Mostly Sunny	Partly Cloudy	Partly Cloudy
High: 72° Low: 49°	High: 57° Low: 32°	High: 62° Low: 39°	High: 68° Low: 46°	High: 75° Low: 57°

well that looks like shit-- but check those numbers-- that's like winnin the lotto for me !! 70;s ? WOO HOOO!!!

i hope y'all are having good days in your worlds--
i'm tryin.
seems the best i can do lately.
i'm still not gettin very far though.
ugh

welp-- times a wastin--- and i gotsta go-
laterz

i thought i had somethin to say---

but i was wrong....
maybe tomorrow?

soulland update -- frazzled

hi peoples. well, to the ones who still take the time to swing by anyhow.
i know i've been suckin at posting...and checkin in on y'all too. sorry for that.
sorry seems to be the word of the day around here lately. i think it comes just as natural as good morning-- or have a good day anymore.
there has been so much goin on out here these past several months-- i couldn't summarize it if you paid me. just trust me when i say-- it's been just about more than i can handle. but-- i do my best to hold on and function the best i can.
of course-- i don't think i could call isolating, functioning. but hey-- i'm still breathin-- and that is usually a good sign.
but-- (yep, there's the but.. you know what i say about that right? "everything after but--is bullshit.") i guess there is some truth in that. only because but-- precedes some sort of excuse. or even a rationalization. and i don't know if i should bother with either.
i've been having trouble posting here.. it seems everything that falls out of my mouth--well, fingers.. really is bullshit. trying to explain away my messed up thinking--or feeling-- or even my situation. i just get so sick of this never ending, never changing, black hole that i've been sucked into. i don't see a way out-- and maybe i don't want to. perhaps marinating in my misery, is where i need to be for a while. i just don't know.

some of you know that i went on "chantix" to help me quit smoking. even after all the warnings on the package-- saying it may not be good for people with mental diagnosis.. it may not mix with certaqin meds etc... i went on it- and the part that bugs me the most? it was working! i bet i wouldn't even be smoking anymore at this point-- but-- i had to stop taking it. i was one of the lucky ones, who had the messed up side effects. the shit really messed with my head. in so doing, it messed up a lot of other things in my life. nothing i expect anyone to understand-- but it threw me for a loop. bi-polar-- meds-- and life changes and problems-- do not make chantix a good alternative. so i guess i will smoke til a cigarette is pried from my cold dead fingers--- or -- i don't know. maybe til i burn the house down.
i don't know how fast rumor control runs thru blogland-- i personally try to stay away from the gossip and crap. but as far as my disapearing act from blogland recently-- i was in an inpatient psyche ward. yep-- it got that bad. sometimes i wonder what keeps me goin when i get "like that" ... i never get the answers tho. all i get is pissed. ok-- and a med adjustment-- which usually helps get my head straight. too bad it doesn't work as well on my heart. i always come out just as confused as i was when i went in.
this time-- i think it made me worse. to an extent anyhow. oh hell, i don't even know what i'm saying. i should just leave it alone i reckon. i'm not trying to excuse it anyhow-- just trying to explain. seems that both are one in the same anymore tho.
i'm not likin my life these days. ha! when have i-right? but lately-- everything just seems so damn out of place---off kilter---or flat out wrong.
i try to distract myself with small tasks-- but that never gets very far. i get dostracted from the distraction, and end up doing something totally NOT what i started with.

so-- did i mention that i went inpatient psyche? that's where i disappeared for about a week. it was for a med adjustment/change.. but it turned out to be a big mess. i had another seizure there-- my memory got worse that ever ever ever.. i had a mri of my head... but they said the involuntary movements of my legs-- twithes or something-- gave it a poor reading. but they did say there were lesions on my brain, and evidence of a "deep stroke". but , when i saw my neuro a few days ago-- he pretty much blew all that off. without even looking at the scan. he read the report-- but that is so vague it didnt help any. so-- i still know nuthing. ugh. my brain.. but no one wants to tell me a thing about it. peachy eh?

did i mention i'm in an outpatient program now?
did i mention my kid went inpatient drug rehab? or that she is also in an outpatient program now too.? (for the 2nd time).
along with going to NA meetings several times a week.
did i tell you that i withdrew her from school yesterday-- to home school her--at minimum for the rest of this school year? or how bout that i don't know the first frickin thing about homeschooling--or-- high school math. ERG

have i mentioned that i am just fuckin overwhelmed with all of this?

did i mention also- that she goes before the judge today-- at 1 ? she had been in the hospital twice--and two outpatient programs.. she never had the time to finish her community service. out of 60 hours, she may have completed 33. gareat. she really just didn't have time tho- we did what we could to help her-- but there's just not enough hours in a day-- esp with school on top of all that. how they think a kid is gonna get all that done , it's just beyond me.
if she doesnt show up for her hearing, -- it's a warrant for her arrest--- if she does show up-- it could be a almost three hundred dollar fine. i just hope the judge isn't an asshole-- and sees that she did what she could in the time that she had-- and lets her just go--maybe with probation.. yes, i know she did wrong-- and so does she-- but good lord.. the kid has to sleep ya know.

i'm ramblin aint i? maybe i should just shut my mouth. ya-- that sounds good for now.

take it easy in your worlds today--
i'm gonna hide in the shadows in mine.

bring it on