has anyone seen my oompa loompa ??

REWARD!

missing oompa loompa!!!!

WAIT!
THERE SHE IS-
ON THE LEFT !!

here is my office window-
before the blinds-

here is my office window-
after the blinds-

isn't it loverly? my christmas tree will sit directly in the middle, and will be oh so prett-eee!

guess what else? my family tradition, ever since i can remember, was that we would put the tree up the day after Thanksgiving. that is, until an awful and tragic thing happened in the soul-clan life, shaking our world , and never letting me be my 'old self'.

well, guess what? we have not, in almost 14 years put our tree up the day after thanksgiving. some years, we have actually waited until literally the last minute, and didn't even BUY a tree until Christmas EVE ! unfortunately that was at a time that soulkid was still my starry eyed, santa believing, cookie makin, 2-7 year old , not understandin, baby. and i sucked the magic out of all those memories. i did the best i could, and thank God soulman picked up the slack and did a fine job being santa. if not for him, all those magical years-- or what was left of them.. would have been just days. i'm sure of it.

some of you may not know why this is. but i changed - in a big and very fast way. and not for the better. i caused this family a lot of grief and heart ache. i can't erase any of that. not any more than soulkid can erase what she feels that she has caused.

she made a valiant effort yesterday to make up for what she feels she needed to mend. in our eyes as parents - it wasn't necessary. we love her unconditionally. what has been done - has been done. we don't dwell on the painful times. we look forward to-- and we enjoy the good times we have now. she is an amazing girl. AMAZING. no grudges. clean slate. nothing owed. we just LOVE her.

i'm sure that's how they feel about me. but me? i feel like i have a lot to make up for. a lot of pain. a lot of if only's . i can only start with now. i can't change what is done.
they know that. i know they love me.

oh how many times i couldn't say that before. couldn't believe it. soulkid couldn't either. today we both can.
cuz we are the soul-clan.

ok- i'm done-
i must go now-

i hope you all had great days yesterday-- and better weekends ahead!

hugz to all of you!

another day in soul-land

howdy folks--
told ya i'd be here--sooner or later-- it's later-- but here i am.
i cannot believe how boring i have become. and it's not even just on the blog-- it's everywhere. i'm just -- well, ugh. i don't even know. just not with it kinda person lately. not sure what to do about that-- or obviously it woulda been done by now. but hey-- i'm tryin, all kindsa different things-- to get back to my old self-- i guess i just haven't found out what it is i need to do-- yet.

i've tried extra meds-- for extra sleep---
which for the last few nights seems to help-
i'm up late--- but seem to sleep later than normal too- some days as late as 7 !!
that hasn't happened in years!
but then i'm hungover in the day--
and accomplish zilch!

so tell me--
which is worse?
little to no sleep-
or too much sleep, and being comatose in the daytime??
ugh.
i just can't win.

regardless, mornings are rough either way-
whether i sleep or not-
i am an awful bitch for the first couple hours of every day lately.

actually---
i may as well include
aaalll day--
every day.

i'm almost certain that much has to do do with my lack of energy.
which leads to my lack of accomplishment-
which leads to my house becoming and remaining a pig-sty-
which makes me depressed-
and angry-
because no one seems to want to help me get caught up-
and the constant worry of the worsening PILEAGE -
thoroughly exhausts and depresses me-
then gives me headaches and even more pain from added stress-
and the cycle continues-
until i simply verbally attack anyone in sight-
for what seems to them "no reason-
when in reality-
it's a week or two of built up rage. :))

sooo- who wants to "visit" for a couple days??

anyhow-
not sure if i mentioned it-
but a few days ago-2 maybe??
can't remember--
anything-
but i did manage to get caught up on a few things-
one being wally hell!
spent over 200.00 on friggin groceries---
only to decide that i still cannnot manage to clean the fuckin kitchen--
which also means
i cannot cook in there either.
so-- what's that mean?

YEP- you guessed it---
still goin out-
well, last night anyhow.
the night before we ate junk food for diner that didn't require cooking-or dishes.
last night- we took the kid to the mall..
and hubby and i- dropped a hefty 50-- on damned dinner.



just kill my irresponsible self.

so anyhow----
if my damn kitchen doesn't kill me ,
these friggin peein, pukin cats will-
we still haven't decided to keep- or dismiss spot yet.
you know- she's been with us since she was born-
so has jitterbug-
we can't just dispose of her-
but ugh-
i can't stand all these animals destroying my house.



so ---anyways---
my plan of the day for today??
i must clean my kitchen--- if nothing else--
top to bottom, including the fridge and floor-
or i will have a stroke-
or jump offa bridge-

then--
i have physical therapy-- yep cheryl--you remembered :))

i'll let y'all know how that goes--
the appt is at 3-- 2:45 for the dreaded paperwork-- you know how that goes.
i hope they don't hurt me.

hoping you all have happy days in your worlds today-
i know some of y'all are havin a rough go of it---
but i do hope that takes a break- at least for a day-
hell
it's friday-
we all deserve a good day once in a while-
why not make it today
right?