so anyhow - if any of you don't know what i'm even talkin about here ? i shall show ya-
see him?
sweet huh?
he's my son. Patrick. in that pic he was about 2 months old.
a little over 2 months later? he was gone. yes, as in dead. yesterday was his birthday. he 'should' have been 22 years old. i can never help but wonder what kind of man he would be. what he would like, what he would 'do', would he be kind, would he be nice to me in my 'situation'.. would i even have a freakin situation. blah - i just thought of the last part. that isn't even fair - to anyone - is it. anyhow. yesterday. my first born's birthday. it's never been an easy day for me. it's even harder with a family. when i was single- and alone.. i could do - or go - or feel - however i wated - or needed to . now- and for the last many years-- i have others to consider -- and 'hold it together' for. of course i have to admit, there have been times that was impossible for me to do. (without help) i'm still here tho.
to be even more honest? i had 'plans' for yesterday. and things didn't go as i had planned them. to those who love me? that has to be a good thing. ok . i admit . to me . today? it's a good thing too. the past week- maybe two? i woulda told anyone (well no i wouldn't have - cuz i didn't) anyhow-- i liked 'my' plan, better. even though i wasn't sure of the outcome. it sure wasn't to hang out at home-- listen to my only surviving child tell me a dozen times that she loves me.. cook for me. lay in bed with me. get phone calls, texts, emails, and FB messages from folks. i was force fed love. and reminded that -- i am not alone. what i was thinking - planning -- just was not fair.
i will never perfect my feelings or my thoughts on days like that. i will never know how to feel or how to do the right thing. or even say the right thing to people who care about me. i will never perfect the knowledge of accepting unconditional love -- from anyone. but yesterday was progress for me. to just breathe, and accept that i can make it through those times. if i just allow people to care. and believe that it is real. and not some sort of obligation or sabatoge. it's just cuz. it's cuz i am me.
so i just wana say thanks. you know who you are. and i love ya right back.
wanna see more progress?
my soul-cave is almost finished !
i can't wait !
aiiighty peeps i gotta go take me kid to z dr. at least it aint me this time.... bwa hahahahaha
hope you all have really good days in your worlds today. lemmee know what you're up to. i'm just doin busy work.
latah
9 comments:
I am so sorry brenda, That you have to go threw this....it was one of the most herat wrenching things...when I saw you and soul kid at ptricks grave this past summer.....made me apperciate my own kids.more..= can not begin to imagine your pain,but I do send you big hugs...and
love!..
Love Vicki
Oh yeah...lol...I forgot...the floor looks mahvalous!
I can just imagine that somehow your "plan" involved running away for the day.
I hope that what really happened was "life" .Life that involved you and needed you,. My wish for you my dahlink' is that God heals your grief on this day,and every day.
I would like to see the day when you can wake up with a smile on Patricks birthday,remember the beauty of his life and KNOW that you will see him again some day , and he will be happy to see his mama. You will have much to tell each other .He would not want you to be sad or suffering in the mean time.
I think he would be happier if he knew that you were fine and happy, until you meet again.(this goes for Jacob too)
My prayers and love , Yo sistah'
I'm so glad you made it through the hell of that day. Sometimes, it is hard to live and your doing it. Sounds like your growing also by accepting unconditional love. Maybe, if this makes any sense your also showing how strong you are also by just grieving and not trying to mask it. It shows you can grieve without it breaking you and can share with your family that part of you.
I started my light today. It is going to take me some time getting used to since it is so bright. I already feel better getting light since it has been so grey. It is called the litebook elite. It is so portable and small. I love it's size. I will keep you updated on it. I would feel pretty good if I didn't have the flu.
Keep trudging
I'm glad you made it through
Hey Soul, as a mom myself, I know how hard it must be for you but I'm glad you're coping better now.
I'm proud of you for letting us care and love ya just a little bit. Yes..progress!! I'm so sorry you had to go through this tragedy and loss.
((Hugs))
I'm thinking I need to borrow your hubby to do my floors! Fantastic friggin job!!
Oh Bren, I am so sorry I did not get here yesterday - we had HORRID weather, tornadoes everywhere, and the electricity and internet would not stay on. But I was thinking of you...oh, so often.
Your little darling was just that...darling. Oh God, I cannot imagine...the pain...even now, the pain is still stabbing you. When does it end?
But you made it another birthday, another year. And you're even distracted a bit - your floors look divine, and as for that painting? OMG! It's fantastic, and numbered and signed? Have you Googled the artist? I just can't get over how beautiful it is. And it reminds me of YOU.
Look at it - the little boat is beautiful without ornamentation. It appears to be abandoned, but no! There's a rope securing it safely to...something? We can't see what it is, but it's definitely secured. There are little feathery wisps of grasses that brush it, soothing it. And the background is misty, fading slowly away, leaving the little boat in the forefront, getting ready to brave the waters again.
It's you. We can't see what all the boat carries, but you can. You see everything inside it, all it's imperfections and all its hidden treasures. All the baggage. Maybe some of that baggage is making it too heavy to push off the shore. Maybe you should throw some of that baggage overboard and lighten the load. Not the important baggage, of course, but let the little things go.
One day, I am confident, that boat will be back out on the water and happy.
Keep a'goin. Love you,
EM
i don't know what to say y'all. really. smocha-- EM, vicki, all of you-- leave me speachless.
i love you.
thank you for being patient with me at times like this.
xo
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