hiya folks. i guess i could say that i have returned. i think. for the most part yeh, i reckon i'm back. not that i even really left -- not as much as i thought i was gonna in the beginning. so yeh. screw it. i write -- therefore, i am. whether it be a little or a page full, i write. and i miss y'all when i don't. so here i am. and apparently, here are you too. thank you all for not leavin me. you know who you are. some of ya did apparently find the need to not say anything while i dealt with the 'thing' here in my world. and ya know, that's alright. how are ya expected to do or say anything when ya don't even know what i'm talkin about? right? so hey, no bad blood. i missed ya -- but i still love ya. hell , most of y'all don't understand me when i straight out tell ya somethin--- how do ya think i even expect ya to understand 'my code'. i don't. and i didn't. and that's ok.
so here. lemmee show ya somethin. it's a little bit on the pitiful side if ya really think about what you're really lookin at-- lemmee show ya first- then i'll tell ya more about it. k?
do you realize what it is that you are lookin at?
go ahead and click on it.
that my friends, it my mini trash can, next to where i sit.
it is filled to the point of overfloweth, with:
cig packs, Boost, water bottles, and coffee cups.
MY main sustenance for the past two days.
and, if you look at my previous photo post - of sorts ---
you will see that it is also filled with self destructive behavior.
such as -
frivolous spending of cash -- which you all know - is NOT my thing to do.
but i did, and i have done so - as if cash were running through my water pipes.
with has left us entirely broke. busted. poor. and pinching pennies.
also- the TAT - i have hated - even despised the 'black' rose. for almost 20 years.
but i did not need to go get it covered up. not now. not ever. yet i did.
i have talked about gettin a new tat. a small one. really no idea of what - or where.
somehow- sunday me and soulkid hopped into a tat shop-- i left with that tattoo, and she -- against my better judgment -- on any other day -- she left with her nose pierced. GOD save me, baby Jesus !
oh, and the curio cabinet/secretary? you don't wanna know what i paid for that-- but i will tell ya- it woulda been twice as much in a antique store- so it was a steal - but really, i didn't NEED it. impulse buy of the decade for me.
oh and the hookah ! good LORD. i didn't- and won't post a pic -- but i allowed my child. MY BABY- to smoke it as well. i know. just kill me now.
i feel awful. what kinda mother am i??? don't answer that.
i am a good mom. i am a damn good mom. i can say that now - and with conviction. y'all have listened to me question my mom skillz for years-- but now i will fight to the death with the next person who questions me on that lil topic.
damn good i say. i have done everything right. all the way up to now. and i will continue to mother the way that i have. because soulkid did everything right. she wouldn't have - if i didn't teach her how. so yeh. that's all i gotta say about that.
on the other hand. i am kinda stuck on the topic of trust with her-- since i have none. for anyONE. it is so very difficult for me to teach her to trust. or perhaps 're-trust"
i don't know how to do that. i keep telling her "don't be me". then i re-think that immediately in my head. so wrong. she loves me. she trusts ME.
maybe not the hermit part of me. not the me who shut the world out 21 years ago, to never let it back in. i can't watch her do that.
i won't watch her do that. but i don't know how to teach trust-- if i don't know it.
therein lies my biggest problem in bein a mom.
but i know i am a good mom, and i know she loves and trusts me. and for now--
that is what matters the most. right.
oh, and the fact that she loves and trusts her daddy.
we are both good parents--- for her.
mayybe not the next guys kid-- but for soulkid--- we are her parents for a reason.
anyhow--
make your days be good to you -- even if they're misbehavin.
oh hell -- i forgot this part -- ( added at 6:10 P.M) oops.
this song is from like 1990 - i only found it a few days ago-- it fits, and i likee.
9 comments:
Holy Toledo. Let me empty that trash can for ya. I can't stand for them to be even half full. Gives me the willies for them to be overflowing. That's OCD for ya!
Not sure where you were going with all that. But that's OK. Hope you get the spending under control. Bad economic times are ahead. Hope I'm wrong but I don't think so.
Hugs from your sweet and boring friend!
haha-- soulkid emptied it - but thank you :)) it drives me crazy too -- but it happens so fast ! :((
yeh, i have no choice but to control the spending-- there's nuthin left to spend ! eegads! what has happened to me? must be the 'thirst'. gotta do somethin to distract myself from that idea. hellifiknow.
drink ? murder? shop? tattoo? so many thoughts, so few options -- legal ones anyhow.
hugs back - scab- hahaha
i noticed that i accidentally entered your thing -- all i had to do was post-- and hey- i did. so did i win? :))
have a good night-- and update on the house eh? what am i missin?
well , aside from life ?
laterz woman-
I don't really know if you don't eat because you Can't, or Won't...I don't know how you feel physically except it seems to be mostly, like sh*t....
I don't know why you are trying to destroy yourself...
Don't you know how much you're needed?
Loved?
I know all of us here can't really do anything to help you stop doing what you're doing...but we have all come to care about you and the family! I Know if I saw you on the street, I'd grab your face, look you dead in the eye and say, "STOP!!"
We don't want to loose you....and I KNOW your family doesn't Either. Try...for Them...for us.
You know I don't mince my words sweetheart...
If what I've said settles sideways with you, then, so be it...If it were Me...Would you say Nothing?
hughugs
Of course you're a good mother - a great mother!!! Kids don't come with instructions so we just manage them in our own ways. Look at that beautiful girl - how could you have done better?
It's been a while since I went on a spending spree but I can and have run wild with the check book on occasion. A good spree is a real high.
As I've said before, you know that I'm here, that I love you, and that I'm ready to support you in any way I can. Hugs
Glad to see you're backkkk :)
I am totally jealous of your spending spree. I love the new tattoo .I must see a pic of the nose piercing.
You're a great mom too. So don't sweat it.
What are you gonna put in the china cabinet? (is that what it's called?)
Love me
P.s. go see my amsterdam post
Hope things are soon back on track for you. Did soul-kid ever get back to school? Hang in there babe. C
Hahaha, I see that I "tricked" you into entering the giveaway contest! I'll choose a winner tomorrow morning, so cross those fingers, toes, eyes, teeth, whatever is handy!
The painters have taken over the house for the past couple of weeks, so there is nothing to see other than plastic tarps, huge messes, and paint buckets. Gosh, that's sound a LOT like your trash can! LOL! I hope to have an update next week when I can actually SHOW something besides a big ol' fat mess of nothing. This is that famous lull period of housebuilding where it looks like nothing is getting accomplished, except that a whole lot really is!
Now, about my dolly's name... I don't remember! Geesh, I was like 5 in that picture, so my brain was pretty much an empty vessel. I DO remember that my two older brothers were very mean to me about that dolly. That was back in the days that the hair was glued on. They carefully removed the hair from the doll's scalp and then placed it back down carefully. When I went to pick her up after their dirty deed, the hair slid right off. I screamed bloody murder because they had SCALPED my dolly! Yes, and they are still full of meanness to this very day!
I'm glad you're back... I miss you when you're gone!
Oh, darlin',
I know that road you're going down all too well. But take heart...you are NOT a bad mother, you are NOT a bad person. Trust? We can't be too distrustful these days. We can't let our guards down when it comes to our children. We must stay vigilant and raise them to be good people...which is what you are.
And whatever you spent...you obviously needed that. So now you'll have to pay for your needs...you will. Somehow, you will.
But for goodness' sake...eat something!
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