and then there was me

howdy folks --
what it be like?
not too bad here. just makin my 'list' for the day. it gets longer by the second, and that kinda intimidates me. why? well, cuz i haven't been very successful with lists lately. or much at all really. this past month has been a tough one. it's alright tho. i feel a come-back in me. i really do. this past week, i have been doin a lot better in the area of responsibilities round the soul-crib. it took a lot of self-abuse, and loathing. but things are lookin up.

i see success on the horizon. this makes me feel good, and more 'myself'.
i also see a little light at the end of the looooong tunnel, as the news of soulkid going back to school has finally come in. just the hint of 'getting my life, and routine ' back; makes me giddy :)) y'all may think i don't have much of a life to begin with -- but trust me -- i actually do. and the way it has been, with things the way they are -- it has been very hard for me, in the area of motivating-- and even thinking. did someone say 'relaxing'? oh no. that rarely happens. in fact, just yesterday -- and i place no blame -- this is completely me and my medical state -- but -- i had actual plans to be productive -- even tho- yes i did go back to bed for a couple hours after i posted -- but none the less ... when i got up-- within an hour... i was in full blown panic mode. as in panic attack ! in need of medication. i need my time alone folks. i really do. i am so not used to being around 'people 24/7. just not. i cannot mentally, or physically handle it. yes i do realize i am speaking of family. i love my family more than anything in this world. i have dedicated my life and world to my family- and anyone who reads these pages knows this. but really. i'm not a talker-- i'm not a go places-er. i'm not a fighter. i'm a leave me aloner. soulkid on the other hand talks---- and talks and talks .. and goes and goes and goes. and she expects the same from me. she does not understand the concept of chores, or not having to be going somewhere or spending money every single minute of every single day. she needs to talk all the time, if i am blogging or doing anything on the puter and not giving her EYE contact when talkin to her -- it's an argument. anytime she doesn't have 100 percent of my attention - when she wants it-- it's an argument. when she doesn't get her way it's an argument . i swear-- she's 4 years old half the week , and 24 the other half. i love her and you know it... but i am not used to this... and after all this time-- i apparently will not get used to it.

i spose you have heard enough of that? well so have i. pardon my rant.

guess what? today is my birthday :)) but y'all know that already. it was fun to see all the happy birthdays on face-book. i replied to all of em too. thanks guys. y'all are such great people. what did i do to deserve you? whatever it was-- i hope i do the same for you. i do sincerely care for each one of ya. if that means a hill a beans ? i really do. uniquely so. i don't group anybody. you're all yourselves, and i love ya for that.

so. about the big plans for the big day? i WAS able to talk soulman down from the big money tree :)) it was bad enough at first, when i thought we were talkin 'maybe' 200-ish to go see train in concert- and get a room, to save my body the extra hours on the car ride home. but noooo. last night , he goes to make all the purchases on line-- tickets , room, etc... comes to look like over 300.00 --- NOT counting food, gas, etc. i put my scrooge foot down... as anyone who knows me knows i would. this is the kinda money that never gets spent on me. with or without my knowledge -- but with my knowledge? oh hell no. i wouldn't agree to that in a milion years. unless i needed a car or a fridge or somethin. right? so... we finally settled back -- to the fishin thing. y'all know i am easy to please. i don't need money to be happy. really. i just don't . never need jewelry or fancy crap... i'm happy when the bills are paid and i have food in the house, and soulkid is happy with what she gets or has, and soulman feels successful, and that he isn't working for nothin. that's what makes me happy.
so yeh. a fishin we will go. i just don't know where yet. there could be a hotel involved. but that's doable. in fact - i still have that free hotel deal from our buggy night in austin. -- remember that? they comped us-- turned out when they mailed me the coupon-- it's for anywhere -- not just that hotel in austin, like the girl said.

so- there ya go.

oh -- here's what i woke up to -- along with a full pot of hot fresh coffee. go soulman.



and with that i bid you a happy day in your worlds... i have a lot to do today. some involves uncle sam -- 2006. bleh. but i did find someone to help- i just have to get it in the mail. other stuff is about soulkids paperwork for school .
other is bank and bill stuff. and takin soulmans stuff to the cleaners. you don't wanna hear this do ya?
ok, i will spare ya the deets. but a busy day.

i shall be around later on.... after i do my thang----

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

humpday happenins -- PLUS 'UP-DATE'

so. what's goin on in your worlds today?

not a whole lot yet in mine. seein as it's only 8:30 in the mornin. i'm actually thinkin about goin back to bed to be honest. i'm tryin hard not to give into that idea though. no. more leanin towards gettin in the shower, reviving my tired - up at 4 a.m. self, and gettin some work done around here today. i haven't been doin too awful bad in that area lately, but still below my standards, and still not as much as i hope to accomplish every day. i've just not been feelin good lately. kinda feeling like i'm carrying twenty pounds of extra weight on each leg or somethin. weird feelin. and hard to explain.
ya know, the day i was supposed to go have the steroid injections in my back was the day soul-land caved in a few weeks ago--- so the first thing to do that day, was to cancel that appointment... and now that we're kinda penny-less.. that just won't be happenin any time soon. in fact, it's on the very back burner for now. i'd rather limp on vacation, than lay in bed at home, ya know.

so. anyhow. on a happier note? the dumb-ass school finally called yesterday !!! good lawd. man i tell ya. we were all three about ready to jump offa bridge. life has been so weird lately with soulkid out of school. everyone's routine has been thrown totally off track.. then with so many other things goin on - it's all just been a wild ride for over a month and a half. but yes. they called soulman yesterday, and said TUESDAY we have her 'interview, then wednesday she STARTS back to class !!! this sounds like a real good school, and it also sounds like she can be able to make up the lost time and grades in no time. IF she applies herself-- and she HAS to-- and is willing, and smart enough to. PLUS if she doesn't? she WILL bbe tossed out on her keister-- no questions asked. they don't mess around at this place. if the kids don't keep up their grades and keep their attitudes in check? plus keep their attendance up? they are gone. and obviously-- she has realized... home is not a better place to be. she misses school. she realizes what a mistake she made in opting the greener grass thing. of course, no one had any idea how hard it would be to get back into school, once she got out. and now-- in just the weeks she's been out-- her entire life has changed, in several ways. perhaps she will listen to the older and wiser parents next time?
(knock on wood)

aaaaahhh.. folks been askin bout my birthday plans. well, i'm not real sure. so many things have been 'discussed'. soulman, and soulkid want to take me to see 'Train' in concert. i am however bein kinda stubborn about it. i almost caved. ok , i did cave a few days ago. after a bit of complaining about the cost-- and the fact that it would have to go on a credit card. 3 tickets -- just us-- and a motel, so i wouldn't have to make the 2 hour drive , both ways, plus the sitting straight up for the length of the show.. however long that would be. (it hurts me to even sit at a desk for even 20-30 minutes.) not to mention in the car that long etc.
so-- he had me convinced i'd survive-- and i'd like it. i was still cringing at the thought of all that money-- plus of course the meal they would want to take me to. ugh-- after the fridge and all the other stuff this month? but i did say ok. finally.
but--- a couple days passed, when he mentioned he was waiting for my 'paycheck' to come in-- today - to get the tickets. well , at that time i 'thought' i had convinced him-- again-- to NOT get the tickets. just take me fishin on the boat , and detail and wash my car. well... sounded like he was gonna agree to that. he knows how nervous i get when the funds get low-- especially as low as they are now-- not near as bad as yesterday -- plus he gets paid friday -- and more comes that day too-- so everything will level out by the first. actually friday. anyhow-- like i said-- i thought i was just gona have a clean sparkly car, and fish on the boat-- until--- i heard soulkid tryin to make plans for the weekend-- and then him tellin her somethin about my birthday and whisperin and friday and code and shhh and this and that. soooo--- i'm thinkin they're still thinkin about takin me to the concert. hmmm. sneaky lil devils.
so-- i don't know what to tell ya. guess i'll tell ya when i actually know what i'm doin.
until then. all i know is i'm gettin older. and i'd be happy if i could just give away my birthday for my birthday :))

did anybody have a mental attack on any of your birthdays? i hear thirty is hard for some folks. i cried when i turned 40. no idea why, but that was the number for me.
how bout you?

anyhow-- i hope to get a burst of energy... i want to be productive today. but again, i got up at 4... and i have already done my checkbook-- which finally matched to the penny !!! go me. and paid some bills :)) again.. go me. so, don't i have a right to a lil nap? or should i just bite the bullet and do more work? yeh you're right. a nap sounds mighty good. thanks. :))
happy day to you in your worlds peeps....
i'll catchya latah---

oh ps-- if anyone is wonderin-- my sis made it home safe and sound-- her internet should be hooked up in a couple hours i think. but yep-- she;s good , home, and says howdy -

WELL, leave it me to be totally wrong -

i didn't cry on my 40th birthday afterall. apparently is was the big 42.

yeh, i decided to take a look back in time, and see if i had any other birthday posts. for whatever reason i didn't post last year. musta been crappy or somethin. i sure don't remember. maybe someone else does? but anyhow-- i did find this post from 2008, which would be my 42ND b-day. seems like that was the one that i cried on. hmmm. so senile i don't even remember my birthday that made me cry. i'm just too weird sometimes. i can't even cry on the right birthday :)) sure did think it was 40. maybe i cried that year too. who knows. i didn't blog til my 41st. that one seemed like a good one :))

oh hell. anyhow-- no tears this time around. i can tell ya that much. every year i'm standin on my own two feet, i'm grateful. and havin y'all to call my peeps? that's pretty cool too.

be good my friends... someone has to be :))

laterz-

not much of a day round here but i survived it

short trip
one fish

hubby and child shopped and stocked the freezer /fridge. ahhhhhhh. much bettah.

it was a nap day for me today. kinda cut my chore plans out a bit. but i accomplished other things. bad part? my numbers refuse to jive in my checkbook. hours wasted, and still can't get it right. there's a mistake somewhere. i can't find it. finally gave up. chillaxin in front of the boob tube with soulman. soulkid seems to have grown a life now that she has a new friend with wheels. we never see her anymore.
please pray that the school will get their butts in gear and hers in a desk ! pleeeease.

happy night y'all.

be careful what ya ask for --

mornin peoples -- and peoplettes :))

how is your sunday comin together so far? i can't really complain. yet. well, i can always complain... we know this, right. but i won't . yet. no need really.

i was just sittin here doin my mornin thing, smokin and chokin, and just 'reflectin' i spose. took a brief scan over a few recent posts and comments. and i came to a realization. of sorts. i noticed a sort of pattern, i think. i had been a bit pouty lately. 'i'm bored'. 'i need some excitement in my life', 'something needs to happen'.
well, guess what folks? it's true. be careful what ya ask for. cuz when ya get to sayin, or thinkin stuff life that-- somethin will and does happen, and it aint always good.

i been whinin about bein trapped and bored for weeks-- and runnin away and that. for weeks -- and if ya look at the last few weeks-- like to the beginning of april--- it hasn't been all that boring around here-- has it? nooooo.
let's have a review, shall we?

alot can happen in 25 days.
[ oh Lord -- i just realized. i will be 44 years old in three and a wake up -- if i live that long ;(( ]

----
without me actually checking - again- ... i may be out of order a bit-- but here we go ----

i think it actually began on a pretty good note-- bitter-sweet perhaps-- audrey was here -- preparing to head back to california-- but we were having real fun, and laughin til we couldn't breathe ! it was great fun, that was well deserved. for both of us. but it was short lived.

a few days in... soulman left for a -- big tournament down south tx way-- for him, it was big , and long planned, not to mention expensive-- he would fish on the back , with a big pro fisherman, he was excited as a child. i was excited for him.
one thing tho-- he left easter sunday morning, after a nice breakfast with me and soulkid-- which was good. but-- soulkid, had let it be known... she was not happy with her dad not being home on a holiday. --- when he planned this-- he didn't realize it was easter-- but -- hell, lets be adult-- it's not like Christmas or Thanksgiving-- and she IS 16. but she really took it hard. first holiday without daddy -- in years. innocent mistake-- and too much money invested to just 'not go'.

sorry -- but here comes some 'code language' to protect some privacy-- but that very next day -- early morning-- the bottom fell out of soul-land for quite a while-- maybe a couple weeks,, but initially, it was very traumatic. and i had no idea how to handle the situation. many outside 'professionals' were called in, and of course soulman was called home. AS he was launching the boat with his pro, beginning the first day of the tournament.
part of me didn't want to call him. but-- his baby needed him here-- I needed him here. and later when he was here, and i told him , that i almost didn't call? he said he would have been PISSED. i was glad then that i did call. --- it's hard to know when to call and when not to at times like that-- but i reckon i did the right thing. phew.
making decisions was so hard for a while after that.

so-- of course--- there was a lot of decision making -- and it involved each of us-- over the next week or so-- it also involved y'all-- in a way. what to say-- what not to say. etc. i felt bad for that. but even in that area-- i think i made the right decision, with my blabbermouth self.

i don't remember what came next. oh. my damn spending spree. ? maybe. the tattoo. the antique curio. smokin a hookah-- and allowing my child to do the same.
not to mention allowing her to spend a few hundred dollars on clothes and crap that she really didn't need. just a lot of overcompensating. that's what i think, at least.

i think after that- was when my coffee pot took a crap. good thing it still works.

cuz the next death in the family was our fridge/freezer. it was only the freezer part... but that was enough. we lost a couple hundred dollars worth of food-- plus i think close to 800.00 bucks for the new one. it should be here in an hour or two. it'll be nice i'm sure. neither of us can age this one. we've had it for apparently EVER. maybe since florida-- which would make it 14-- perhaps kansas - which would make it 11. we can't think of anywhere else we woulda bought it. so it has served us well, but i wish it woulda died on a poor day. not a day it had two racks of ribs, and a 4 day old 22.00 slab or two of salmon in it :(( it makes me ill.
not to mention what it will cost to re-stock it.





our summer vacation money is nearly gone. this is also the first summer in many years that we even had actual plans to go somewhere. three somewheres to be exact-- and a tentative -- somewhere for july fourth weekend for our anniversary. IF we happened to have any money left. obviously, that won't be happenin. we will be blessed to build it up enough to keep our original plans.

help me-- i'm in soul-hell.

but--- i reckon we are also blessed. at least we aren't at the corner store pan-handlin. right?

cheatin' on the photo challenge :(( original, just not recent

happy saturday folks-- and welcome to my photo challenge entry --
yeh, peoples, i waited til the last minute; again. i would have probably got some pretty good shots for this, IF i would have fully understood the subject, from the beginning. but--- i did not. i thought it was all about the camera-- not the subject. forgive me.
so-- i got a very late start -- like twenty minutes ago-- from, right where i sit.

subject being;

LIGHTING:

this was one of our snows
of 2010
and some UFO's
:))


soulKids - sweet 16 cake :))
she made it-
3-10


one of my favorite fish pix
sky, fish, me,
all of it -- good pic huh?
08-09?
not sure.

wow-that's a big fish !
(someone needs to fire the staples ad crew!)

happy saturday -- goin to check out y'alls pix now-- if i get interrupted, to go fishin-- i'll come back.

be good kids ---- byeeeeeeeeeeeeee

pardon my absence - i was recovering

mornin folks. happy FRIDAY!
yes, finally it's friday. hope the sun is shinin at your place. seems to be here, but of course, i haven't been outside. i'm only goin by what i can see through my partially opened blinds. seems to be little wind and yes, some sunshine. i am also assuming that it is somewhat warm out there, because an hour or two ago, i did happen to be warm enough inside, that i turned on my ceiling fan. so. yeh. i do have fishin on my mind. the stuff is still in my car. all i would have to do is throw on some clothes and shoes and brush my hair and teefers, and hit the road. will i? oh no. not today. sadly enough, i do believe that it is just not in the cards for me today. unfortunately, my out of shape, just out of hibernation, two days in a row, on my feet all day, 2 days in a row, fishin fool, self, has overdone it. yep. i shoulda paced myself a bit i think. it would be different if i didn't bass fish ya know. if all i did was stick my rod in a stick and sit in a chair til the tip moved. but nooooo. for me it's stand, walk , cast, reel, cast, reel, all day. well, for hours anyhow. and for a person , in my physical condition? that's just kinda stupid. simply tossing myself into the fire sort of. oh but it was sooo fun. fishin is just in my blood. i breathe it. y'all know that. right.

so. yeh. i did go fishin yesterday. tough fishin day too. as was the day before. they just aren't wantin to bite. it must be the way the weather has been changin so rapidly lately. that's all i can think. one day cold , cloudy, and or rainy or raining. the the other day the sun was out and it was over 80 degrees. then yesterday was cool and cloudy and windy again. today at least loooks sunny and nice again-- but i aint fishin. but before these last few days it was rain for days and days. the fish ust don't know what to think. so yeh... it's hard to know what to do. so lots of bait changing was goin on. lots of different baits, tactics... really a challenge. very physical. but again. soooo fun.

until----- last night. it finally caught up with me. i couldn't even get up out of my chair. i was so sore. my back and legs were screaming at me. hatin on me. i've mentioned before how the reclining couch in the livin room doesn't have handles-- ya have to use your legs to put the foot rest down when ya get up.. OMG. so many times i almost couldn't get out of my chair. i couldn't stretch enough to get out without puttin it down, and it hurt so bad to use my legs to put it down. ugh. it took every muscle in my body to get that damn thing down. i thought i would die. but - when i fish, i have to drink a lot of water-- cuz my gettin dehydrated, can be really bad for me. like fainting, and landing in the water... etc. so yeh.. i was getttin up like every fifteen minutes.... it was just not fun. soulkid was out... so i didn't feel like i could go to bed til she got home-- otherwise that's where my ass woulda been. instead i stayed up with soulman, watchin tv, til she got home. ugh. anyhow-- that's why i aint fishin-- or goin anywhere today -- cuz i am feelin the pain. that's ok tho -- i saw my dr. fairy -- he made me feel a bit bettah :))



plan for today? housecleaning and laundry. yes i will. shaddup. soon as i'm done here. you'll see.

anyhow- first-- 'raine" made me notice somethin in my last post-- the first fish? is not also the second fish at a different angle. the first fish is the first fish on my big camera-- the others are the 2nd fish, but i took one on my cell to send to hubby. forgot that. that's why the first looks bigger-- cuz he was. thanks Raine. oops. senile ya know.
and thanks. but ya don't have to say thanks. sometimes stuff just comes to me like that-- that's when ya know i mean it :)) and ps-- me too buddy.

and Donna TN THAT kinda LIGHTING? geesh. of course i will do it. i thought it meant fancy photography lighting. "bren-DUH" remember?

ok--- moovin on-- wanna see yesterdays catch of the day?

k-- here ya go--

bad hair day -- and chronic smoker mouth :((
but not a bad first- fish-- and a kiss too

my second favorite kinda shot
with fish two -

also fish two--
'it's a KILL-SHOT !
goin for the throat !

yes , it was a good day in soul-land
ugh-- mystery underlining-- you know ya love it.

happy days to all of you-- and better weekends-- woo hoo-

perhaps positive thinking and the fishin fairy brought me some luck today ?

hello again peoples... yup-- twofer humpday. don't miss the below post, or you'll really miss somethin special :)) skip on down after this one and have a bit of eye candy :))

but for now, how bout just a quick rundown of my day? -- first , i have to get somethin off my chest. the new 'staples-commercial? makes me want to vomit. wow-that's-a-low-price!!! wow- kill-me-now--bleh!!!

ok. i feel better now. so . what'd y'all do today? out here? turned out to be a beautiful day. i think i even have a touch of a sunburn. i took soulkid to a drive thru this mornin after i posted, then took her back home, packed up the fishin gear, and off i went--- yup- i really did, i went fishin. first time in i'm not sure how long. but it feels like forever since i have even been outside. it's ridiculous. this brown recluse- slothism? i really don't like it as much as i pretend -- you know that already tho- dontchya?

so. ya wanna see what the sloth drug in? i wish it coulda been a better fishin day-- well, it actually was a gorgeous day, and i loved bein out in the sun doing what i love to do--- so , no- i'm not complainin - one bit...

i fished all three fishin holes-- the creek , my pond, and soulmans pond --- i was out all day -- maybe from like 1030 or 11 until about 4:00 - ish. and man i tell ya-- i'm so sore and tired and hungry -- i could beckon a nurse fairy -- spose i'll hunt one down later. not today tho-- i think i'm shuttin this down soon as i'm done and callin it a day.

so. anyhow-- here's some delicious bass for ya--- but nope-- for those who don't know-- it's catch and release for us. never take anything home . they always go back where they came from.

[ here is the first and very welcomed fishy of the day ]

[same fish-different angle ]

[ and here we have fishy # 2 - still chompin on his jig ]

[ just tossed these in to show donna my single rose-- grew a pal this year ]

and, last but surely not the last time :))

i happened to catch the moment several nights ago
ummm... sleep-cookin, at it's very best !
steak, eggs, and grits !
that's talent !

i even remember eatin it !!!
the cookin part is a little fuzzy :((

happiest of humpdays to you !

just a quick reminder & introduction for some

Ladies and Gentlemen,
I bring you,
THE SOUL FAIRIES :
(in order of appearance )

the first set are :

the cleaning fairies : 1

2

3

4

here's
the massage fairy :))

ehem, the fishin fairy
[thank you, everso- china mate :)) ]

unfortunately, everyone has a
snot fairy- on occasion

The Christmas fairy

here is the new year fairy 2010

i can't dare be without one of these-
the brain-fog fairy

i bring you by viewers choice -
the coffee-less
coffee fairies :))

by donation of Donna (TN)
The Guardian Angel fairy

and let's take one for the fellas here--
this one is :
"Soulmans fairy collection"

so. now when i speak of fairies. or perhaps the cleaning fairies, or my fairies, or being in need of 'a' fairy. y'all will know i do not speak of tinkerbell type fairies. oh no. not at all.

now. on that happy note? i am actually dressed-- first time in days. no , not from nekkedness. from jammy-ness. i'm growing mold like the sloth that i am. well, not anymore. i am now cleansed and clothed and i am going to take soulkid to get breakfast, when i return her to the soulcrib-- i shall go forth and FISH !

if i manage to catch anything at the pond i will be sure to show you on my return :))

happy humpday in your worlds today--

while we're at it-- how bout a -
hump-day fairy ?

you hate me, don't you?

don't worry people... just somethin i say. i used to say it alot more than i do now-- is that a good thing , or not? i do not know. i'm just bored here, and i'm runnin out of things to say. folks aren't postin much, and i aint doin much, and i'm just stuck here in need of a lobotomy. oh hush. it aint that bad, and you know it. the boredom? oh yeh. it is that bad. but the rest of me? not gonna jump offa bridge today, so that i reckon that would mean that I am ok. right? right.

anyhow kids... my post for today is a lesson on 'positive thinking' or more like --

"the power of positive thinking "

ya see, a lot of you have read my lengthy, but somewhat humorous fish tale on here not too far back, right? if not, it's here--and long as hell. but you need to read it to appreciate our 'new-to-us boat . :))

which is where the positive thinkin thing comes into play. you see, last night as i was lookin for the 'thing' for my - where soul came from thing'... i also came across a poem i wrote many years ago... even before the disdain i felt for the boat on that fateful tournament night in the post i linked above.

so--- my mom didn't teach me much in the way of 'life lessons' -- directly, as much as she did in the way of teaching me how i DID NOT want to be. but yep-- she did often tell me of the power of positive thinking. and of course God, for that i will be forever grateful to her. even if she did screw everything else up. those two things she gave me, have kept me sober, sane , and alive through this life i have been given.

anyhow--- here is the poem.... next is the PROOF of the power in positive thinking -- and 'thanking God in advance.'

thanks mom.

(possibly written in '03? hard to tell)

click it to make it bigger-- twice if yer blind like me :))

(purchased over a few months-- parked in our storage about a month or two ago)

-- side note : it IS a "yellow Bullet"

( just a extra somethin for y'all--
thanks.)

keep your days where ya want em to be-- i'm tired of lettin mine kick my butt-- i am takin the reigns today !

happy tuesday

monday mad libs

yeh -- whatever that means, right?

anyhow-- guten morgen folks. how's it goin for ya today? hope it's as well as any monday can be. here? it's a monday.

i don't really have anything new to report from here. everything is really just kinda stagnant at the moment. i checked the weather this morning when i put the dogs out-- hoping, that by some miracle i might be able to go fish for a little while over at the pond. but howdaya think that went? yeh, you're right. cold, cloudy, and crappy out there. just like it has been for days. i am really gettin tired of this weather lately. worse than that? when we are blessed with a nice day that i could go fishin? somethin gets in the way. of course. a dr. appointment. catchin up on sleep for some reason. flat out slothfulness-bein unable or unwilling to get offa my arse. but noooo, when i do happen to feel well enough to get the hell out of the house, and get air and do something for myself? it's raining. or too windy. or cold. or like i said - some other obligation prevents that. i smell a resentment comin on. don't you?
this can't be good.

even tho i do like home, and most of the time i choose to stay home.... this is gettin a bit too like prison. i can't leave soulkid alone much at all, and she has been out of school for over a month !!! are ya feelin me? she acts like a four year old at times for my attention. if and when i do try to work on my checkbook or bills , she distracts me so much it's impossible. she always wants to 'go somewhere' which always, in the end cost some amount of money-- even if it's only lunch -- that's 20-30 + a day just to walk out the door. i don't mean to make her sound bad-- just venting really. but y'all. i'm goin crazy here. at least in the summer time we have a couple trips planned, and besides that all her friends will also be out of school and bored too-- they can do things together and not always be under my watch. but seriously -- do they have day-care for teenagers? kill meh.

ok i'll stop. but thanks for listenin. :))

anyhow-- remember yesterday i said i would find us a 'coffee fairy' ?
do y'all realize how virtually impossible it is to find one on google? i spent literally in total, i bet 4-5 hours on that lil task -- and came up, pretty much empty. me? the google queen, couldn't even find a coffee fairy. i know. i am too. i'm disappointed in my own self. but here ya go-- it's really the best i could come up with -- i'll put a couple up-- but the winner just happens to be a frickin cartoon ! :((

(who needs coffee? )


(who needs a head?)

(who needs a real man?
the "coffee fairy" is a fantasy anyhow right?)

so my friends there is monday morning in soul-land. i'll try to work on growing some semblance of a life around here. if you remember, i was doin pretty good on that for a while -- til life came to a screeching halt. i am workin on it tho. y'all know things turn on a dime around here-- so be ready, anything can happen, at any time. don't give up on me yet.


anyhow-- i do hope y'all have great days in your worlds today -- still dark and wet here in mine. perhaps i'll finally wash my laundry. maybe.

ahhhhh. i know. maybe i'll venture out and purchase a coffee maker? how bad can it be? ya do know i have poor mans PTSD? what if i faint at the check out?
kidding. it only feels like i will. i never really have. there's a first time for everything tho right?

ok-- i'm gone-

sunday soul-stuff and stuff

hiya folks--
how are y'all on this fine sunday morn? me? senile, as usual. i didn't even know it was sunday, til i just checked so i would know what day to say on this post. my brain is fried. i don't know if it's a permanent and worsening condition. or if it's temporary, and hopefully , eventually, cutting back, or quitting smoking- and perhaps getting outside, might help. my brain is literally starved for oxygen. we all know the many problems that can cause.
if anyone remembers? after the lung clot ordeal? i seriously had some permanent, stupidity after that. subtle things, but really- it was immediately after that-- and to this day -- i still have problems with simple things, like spelling, talking, forming sentences, of course remembering -- which was always an issue - but it got even worse after that. i don't know guys . but everything is deteriorating even more.
example? -- my friggin bills and bank stuff -- number one. i swear-- not a single bill this month has been paid on time this month. not one. and one of them, the boat storage?? 16 days late--- totally slipped my mind!!! OMG. this and the spending spree? WTH? not me. y'all know. it's not me to do these things. we would go without groceries or gas before i would pay a bill late. i would stay in the house and not go anywhere-- before dropping cash the way i just did. i didn't pull that kinda crap when i was single and could do it without causing problems.

just don't know what to say for myself. except that hey. no permanent damage. save for the guilt and the kicking of my own ass. forever.
oh -- and the fact that if not for this stuff? i would be able to replace my coffee pot !!!!
(machine- maker-- whatever ya call it). i do not know why i am cursed in the way of coffee makers, but y'all know i am. our coffee maker that we have owned maybe less than 6 months -- is a complete and utter POS! not only do i have to wait for my pain pill to kick in before i can make coffee-- really, for some reason it is just heavy to me and ya have to hold and carry and insert this 'tray of water' that feels like it weighs ten pounds, from the sink back into the machine-- ugh. i don't know-- but not only that-- once ya do get it in, the f'n thing not only leaks--- it dumps water all over the frickin counter while it makes coffee-- for five or so minutes. so ya gotta put a towel -- or whatever is handy at the time under it so the entire counter top doesn't flood. while the coffee makes.
trust me folks, it ust doesn't make for a relaxing first cuppa. it doesn't. hubby used to always pre-set the timer and i would wake up to coffee ever day-- but now he can't do that-- or ALL the water would drain out onto the counter over-night.
this shit only happens cuz i am ME. you know that right?
i need a coffee fairy. i'll find one shortly. so check back later -- y'all know ya love the fairies :))

wow-- who peed in y wheaties? i wonder that too. could this be all about the crappy coffee maker? maybe. i'm the only one up here so far. could i possibly piss my own self off this much? well i spose i could.

so. how bout i tell ya bout the movie we went and saw last night? it wasn't even planned to go out last night-- til soulkid pipes up with soulkid 2 is spendin the night and we need a ride to the farthest mall from the house-- daddy please take us. hmmm. i said don't even ask him. but of course she did. and of course he just can't say no to daddys little girl. so i told him i'd go with and we could see a movie while they kicked around the mall for a couple hours. so we went and saw THIS:

and i have no regrets.
it was sooo funny. if you aren't married -- for any length of time-
you may not find it as funny as we did-- or someone who has been.
but it was just funny. i'm sure it's funny to other folks too- but the boring, same ole same ole - long time married thing -- just adds the -i can relate - thing to it.
and it's good.
and you'll laugh.
a lot.
so go see it.

so. after that we came home. i watched a couple UFC fights on the telly with me hubby, then i went to bed. i was so tired - it wasn't real late, maybe 10 or so, but it felt like midnight. and y'all know i need my beauty rest :))

so anyhow-- what are y'all up to today?
hope you're dry and warm today in your worlds...
it's rainin here - and dark and icky... third or fourth day runnin. i can't like it.

catchy'all laterz-

i married a loser -- and other stuff

hiya peoples--
i bet that title got your attention eh? it'd prolly get mine too if i saw it, especially about a guy you rarely hear a bad thing about- ever. well, i hate to say it , but yes, my soulman truly is a loser. he's "The Biggest Loser", in fact. in a manner of speaking that is. you see folks, he came home from work yesterday , to tell us other souls, that he happened to be 'the biggest loser' - winner, in the weight loss competition at work !! know what that means? my wonderful husband won 200.00 bucks ! yes he did. he also in so doing , since january lost a total amount of -- if i'm not mistaken 51 pounds :)
(and i do believe that i am off by a few pounds -- i think he lost more than that)
we are so proud of him!

and-- he isn't done yet.. he is also involved in a seperate competition with some fisherman, it doesn't end until july 2nd-- and the jackpot in that one is a whole lot more than 200.00 ... it is for 1000.00 !!! guess what place he is at in that one? yep. first place. he has been in first place since the beginning ! that money has his name all over it. wonder what i'm gettin for my anniversary -- july 1st. bwa hahahaha. yeh -- i know already -- a boat motor. yeh. romantic as hell eh? but hey-- that's a check i won't be forgettin-- i mean writin :))

anyhow-- wanna see my man? before and after? k. looky heah ---

this was a couple years ago -- but close enough -

and this, was like last week.

i'm so proud of him. he loves his food- and he didn't cheat ONCE !

i laughed at him this morning... his butt is GONE :)) hahahaha
i luff heem.

know what he did with his winnings? he is out right now, buyin a bike. whaddaguy.
i wonder how much more he'll lose before july 2 ??? i think he looks real good now.
i've worried about him for years. let's just hope he doesn't gain any back. he looks and feels so much much better lately.

so-- anyhow--- what else? oh my yesterday? never even happened. i went back to bed and i stayed there-- til like 430 or 5:00. got up-- ate, chilled, watched tv, back to bed at around 10 or so. period - what a day. oh yeh... i did take soulkid to her dr. appointment-- and that was all but a nightmare. was that yesterday? whenever it was-- i woulda rather had shock therapy. or a bottle of -- something. anyhow-- today is a new day -- and i am in tax hell. but -- hey-- that too is now over. yes, we filed an extension--- and while doing so --- the irs folks reminded us-- we never did file for 2006. ummm.... yeh i knew that-- and i have worried about it for all these years-- i knew they'd catch it eventually. our excuse-- the truth? we didn't-- and still don't know how to file half regular-- and half 1099. and no one seems to want to help . i have asked-- with offer of payment at least 4 people to help us. eegads. now we have 29 days to git er dun-- or face the wrath of uncle sam. who says ignorance is bliss? it aint. it's scary.

someone tell me why jitterbug is walkin around the house whining? she has a deep and pitiful meow-- and i don't know what she wants. she has food, and water. maybe she wants her daddy? but i'm fixin to run away.

ooooh... speakin of that--- i did it again--- rough day yesterday -- or night i guess. i threatened the fam that i was gonna run away -- again. shame on me. they hate it when i do that. but i mean it-- i gotta get away . even if it's a day. i need a break.

i'd come home. geesh.

anyhow-- that's it for now--
i wanna go fishin-- i didn't do that yet either-- and today it's raining. dammit
someone shut this cat UP

hugz all around.
laterz-

finally it's friday !

howdy folks! man i tell ya-- i have never looked so forward to a friday in my life. phew.
ok. i'm sure that isn't entirely true. but this has been one for the record books. i cannot believe how tight the money has been almost this entire past week. since sunday or monday. sunday was my spending spree. actually, i guess i should say the END of it.
holy crap peeps. i am so miserly. y'all who've been around a while know that about me. i don't mind spendin money on soulkid -- i do -- but i'm so used to it-- it only bothers me when we have something planned , or needed, and she still has her hand out. the girl has zero concept of the american dollar. no matter how hard we've tried to teach her. she still thinks it falls from the sky. (sigh). she will learn someday though. she surely will. we all do. right? and it aint always easy. poor girl.

so anyhow-- how i got there, i have no idea. just did. how i get anywhere-- i never know. bleh.

anyhow-- yeh. friday = today = payday! finally. what a relief. man i tell ya. i have avoided even lookin at the checkbook, between monday -- and yesterday. yes, i know-- i usually spend hours each day in that book. by my neglecting it-- and fear of it -- not only did i find two more late bills.. maybe three actually. i also realized -- i was in the dangerous RED zone. i had to transfer money from our summer vacation savings to checking ASAP. i had a near heart attack. my checking account has not been that low in several years. and if i hadn't noticed that balance at that time? stuff woulda bounced from here to canada. :(( so i got the money transferred online, and rechecked the balance--- total balance after that/ plus the two late bills? = $17.29 !!!
horrible. just horrible i say. i so do not waste money this way. i bet i totally blew over a thousand bucks in a week. easy. it'll take years for me to recover from the guilt of my stupidity. i feel poor and afraid when i get to 100.00 or even 200.00 in the bank.
if i get forced into savings or credit cards? just pass the tissue. cuz i'm done for. i never ever want to live like i used to. really. it's been so awful at times in my life-- i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. and when i think i see it comin? flashbacks and fear paralyzes me. i am usually so much more responsible.

ok -- i'll stop. why i'm goin on and on about this is beyond me. i told ya -- well someone.. this blog is where i dump my guilt -- pass your plate? have some? :))

anyhow-- yep - today is friday and it's payday, and i feel better already. well, mentally. physically, that's another story. i woke up at 2 a.m. today. yep-- as in UP. outta bed, and up up-- drinkin cofee , takin meds, chain smokin UP for the day UP. i even help soulman gather and take out the trash for garbage day.. at like 6 somethin in the mornin. ugh, there was a lot too. where the hell does it come from. eegads. i hate trash-- and laundry-- and frickin pumpin gas -- every day i age- i hate it even more. and i don't know why that is. it never bothered me before -- well, before i turned 40. then it was all over with. i just hate it all. and bras. and washin my car. i hate everything. guess i'm just a bitch, and gettin worse by the minute. and ya know, i don't think i really care. other folks might. but i have a bedroom i can live in if they don't like me. i've lived in it before. :))

so anyhow-- guess what i'm fixin ta do? seein as i am tired as hell, but not able to go back to sleep (right now)... and the fact that i woke up at 2-- soulkid was STILL awake-- so is still now sleepin.. after God knows when fallin asleep.... and soulman, of course is at work... aaaand i have already done a lot of my paperwork, bills and bank etc-- yepppers--- kids asleep -- and if i didn't mention it-- we got a alarm on our house a couple weeks ago-- so i feel better leavin her here alone-- anyhow--- i am gonna pack up a couple rods and tackle -- and i'm takin myself to the pond. we've been to broke to leave the house for almost a week... and i'm tellin ya -- i must get outta here -- and i really need some me time. soulkid is STILL not in f'n school! we found a charter school that we're tryin to get her into-- it sounds better for her and should move faster for her-- and help her make up all this lost time and grades etc faster-- IF they'll get off their ass and get her enrolled ! "they're waiting on her package from admin" -- geesh if i knew it would take this long-- i woulda hand carried the shit over!
uuuuggggghhhhh.

so anyhow.
that's what's happenin here-- what's up in your world?

oh - almost forgot-- now that we feel a little bit richer :)) tonight we're goin to see 'date night' at the movies and gonna go to outback to eat dinner. i need me a steak mate :))

already had my 'boost' for breakfast-- and last night i ate a burrito as long as my forearm-- no idea how i fit it all in me-- but i sure was hungry :)) it'll take a week to digest that damn thing.

ha--

happy weekend to ya --

laterz

hiya folks-- what are you talkin about? i didn't say a word.

no. i am not off my nut. i promise you that.


really y'all. what post? today? did i say somethin to confuse you? or perhaps i upset or concerned you? oh my dear friends, that was so not my intention. y'all know i would never do that on purpose. that is why, if what you saw was bothersome, it won't bother ya anymore. cuz we never saw it to begin with, right?

let's just say i had a lapse in reasoning. or maybe i had a senior moment, and forgot that i was bein stealth - like about a certain situation, and i perhaps got a bit mouthy. umm, loose finger-y ? ya know what they say -- loose lips, sink ships? well, i spose i'll have to figure out a 'line' for what loose fingers can do to a gal. shit. i reckon in my case? it could do a lot more than sink a ship.

shaddup. you know you love my 'code' language.

but really folks. no need to worry. no one is 'after me.' or any one of us souls here. what i was sayin was that -- in the simplest, less self condemning possible way ? there is reason for the big guy in town, to suspect that i -- or the larger soul in this house, might have reason to cause bodily harm to someone else. and trust me, we do.
but we won't. and everyone knows we won't. because-- we aren't that stupid. we know too much, and so does the big man.

i know. more code. i apologize.

but yeh. i'm not in some kind of delusional state of mind here. there is a very good possibility -- like 100 % -- that all 3 of us, have been bein 'watched' online. our facebooks, blogs etc. so -- i kinda tossed some crap out this mornin to let 'someone' know, i knew -- and didn't really care.
i'm not gonna stop bloggin, just cuz some asshat didn't wanna be on our side of 'this'. so hard to believe, and so enraging for us. moreso than what even happened. the one to help-- actually seemed to do the most damage.

i need to shut up and go to bed. perhaps xanax is worse than any kinda loose anything else-- it leads to sleep bloggin, and we all know - sleep bloggin can be my worst enemy.

so, enjoy that little tid bit of confusion -- smocha -- hope someone gets more from that than the other one that you didn't see earlier.

now. i will go to bed-- and feel free to call Kevorkian, anytime-- y'all have my number dontchya? send him my way k?

until next time-- just love me-- and don't worry.

btw peeps-- i do eat--- ya just can't tell. i can't believe how awful i look lately. umm dead i mean. kinda like her:

i just need to shut my mouth -

contain myself-

and drag my ass to the pond a few times -

don't you agree?

then i would look like that ^ rather than -
THIS :
cuz really folks - i do look like hell- and i know it

is this as bad as it gets? if so, let's forge ahead eh?

hiya folks. i guess i could say that i have returned. i think. for the most part yeh, i reckon i'm back. not that i even really left -- not as much as i thought i was gonna in the beginning. so yeh. screw it. i write -- therefore, i am. whether it be a little or a page full, i write. and i miss y'all when i don't. so here i am. and apparently, here are you too. thank you all for not leavin me. you know who you are. some of ya did apparently find the need to not say anything while i dealt with the 'thing' here in my world. and ya know, that's alright. how are ya expected to do or say anything when ya don't even know what i'm talkin about? right? so hey, no bad blood. i missed ya -- but i still love ya. hell , most of y'all don't understand me when i straight out tell ya somethin--- how do ya think i even expect ya to understand 'my code'. i don't. and i didn't. and that's ok.

so here. lemmee show ya somethin. it's a little bit on the pitiful side if ya really think about what you're really lookin at-- lemmee show ya first- then i'll tell ya more about it. k?

do you realize what it is that you are lookin at?
go ahead and click on it.
that my friends, it my mini trash can, next to where i sit.
it is filled to the point of overfloweth, with:
cig packs, Boost, water bottles, and coffee cups.
MY main sustenance for the past two days.

and, if you look at my previous photo post - of sorts ---
you will see that it is also filled with self destructive behavior.
such as -
frivolous spending of cash -- which you all know - is NOT my thing to do.
but i did, and i have done so - as if cash were running through my water pipes.
with has left us entirely broke. busted. poor. and pinching pennies.
also- the TAT - i have hated - even despised the 'black' rose. for almost 20 years.
but i did not need to go get it covered up. not now. not ever. yet i did.
i have talked about gettin a new tat. a small one. really no idea of what - or where.
somehow- sunday me and soulkid hopped into a tat shop-- i left with that tattoo, and she -- against my better judgment -- on any other day -- she left with her nose pierced. GOD save me, baby Jesus !
oh, and the curio cabinet/secretary? you don't wanna know what i paid for that-- but i will tell ya- it woulda been twice as much in a antique store- so it was a steal - but really, i didn't NEED it. impulse buy of the decade for me.
oh and the hookah ! good LORD. i didn't- and won't post a pic -- but i allowed my child. MY BABY- to smoke it as well. i know. just kill me now.
i feel awful. what kinda mother am i??? don't answer that.
i am a good mom. i am a damn good mom. i can say that now - and with conviction. y'all have listened to me question my mom skillz for years-- but now i will fight to the death with the next person who questions me on that lil topic.
damn good i say. i have done everything right. all the way up to now. and i will continue to mother the way that i have. because soulkid did everything right. she wouldn't have - if i didn't teach her how. so yeh. that's all i gotta say about that.

on the other hand. i am kinda stuck on the topic of trust with her-- since i have none. for anyONE. it is so very difficult for me to teach her to trust. or perhaps 're-trust"
i don't know how to do that. i keep telling her "don't be me". then i re-think that immediately in my head. so wrong. she loves me. she trusts ME.
maybe not the hermit part of me. not the me who shut the world out 21 years ago, to never let it back in. i can't watch her do that.
i won't watch her do that. but i don't know how to teach trust-- if i don't know it.

therein lies my biggest problem in bein a mom.
but i know i am a good mom, and i know she loves and trusts me. and for now--
that is what matters the most. right.
oh, and the fact that she loves and trusts her daddy.
we are both good parents--- for her.
mayybe not the next guys kid-- but for soulkid--- we are her parents for a reason.

anyhow--

make your days be good to you -- even if they're misbehavin.

oh hell -- i forgot this part -- ( added at 6:10 P.M) oops.



this song is from like 1990 - i only found it a few days ago-- it fits, and i likee.

why not ? ya only live once right.

still layin low- keepin words to a minimum -
but here's a day in the life of soul-land-

(not what you think)

(ba-na-na)

- i think i've aged ten years this past week :(( -

[yes, i did- and what a bargain :)) ]

(my skinny soulman- and a nice sunday bass )

(soulkid and my new 'yard boy')

(safety first )

(before)

(somewhere in the middle)

(after)

it's all about livin your life -
& keepin your dreams alive-

Never give anyone the power to take away your spirit-