my mind is a-jar

mornin folks-

i reckon i'll start this one off with a open reply to the comments to the below post---

y'all had a lot to say-- unfortunately-- well it could be fortunately-- you know- the ole "great minds think alike " thing. :))
anyhow-- i had run all of that, and every scenario through my own mind already.
all the way down to the
"if she died, how would YOU feel?"
i get-- "that's on HER, I'm not the one that did that!"

my kid can rationalize EVERY-THING.
but-- for those of you who know her last couple years--- that is a big part of the character she had to have to survive at one time. it is a hard piece to soften. at least into the part of understanding that it isn't betrayal-- the difference of helping rather than hurting, or snitching. ya know?
some of you may get it-- i don't know. i have been through this with her before-- and have had to break her trust in order to help a child. she didn't like it-- it just had to be done. the only difference was -- the parents weren't brought in-- and if they would have been--- a lot could be different today.
it's from that experience that i just can't leave this hangin and 'wait and see'. ya know.
in my heart, i believe the kid is gonna be alright now. i'm pretty sure at least a week has passed since she did this stupid thing-- i wish i could just tell ya what it was-- but anyhow-- soulkid checked on her-- she's fine. so, i think it will be ok. well , the kid will.
my biggest fear with this particular girl-- is that -- since nothing serious happened-- she might try it again-- gawd! kids are stupid.
i am taking some of the info i learned during my 'research ' yesterday, and will take it to the school so they can put the info out to other kids who might think this is a good idea.
anyhow-- she will be easy enough to find-- i know her 'curriculars' at school, and i have her first name-- the school will prolly not give me the parents info-- but i will tell them, they will call the parents, and the kid can at least get checked out, and the parents notified.
she's not like a 'bff' or anything to soulkid anyhow. she's only been comin around for a few weeks-- and to be honest? it wouldn't break anyones heart if she--or even her parents decided she couldn't come over anymore.
so. yeh. my mind is made up-- with or without soulkids 'consent'. NOT that i need it.

besides that? i really think that deep down-- soulkid tells me these types of things-- to see IF i will DO anything. the time or two i have done things in the passed-- in the interest of the kid--- she got pissed - of course--- but i really think she respects me for it.

she has told me a few things that her friends parents -- i should say - past friends- she has new friends now-- but yeh, she's had friends, whos parents new things that she had done-- but never told me- or her dad. serious things. things that could have put my kid in danger. things i needed to know at the time--- not in a soulkid - guilt- confessional, a year after the fact.

anyhow-- not sure if i explained that mess as well as i meant to--
but i tried :))
senile, you know.

thanks for the advice tho y'all. i think i got it tho. when it's all settled and soulkid doesn't hate me-- i'll fill in the blanks.
sorry smocha-- cryptology IS my second language :))

and SOULKID-- just in case YOU happen to be readin this-- you could just tell me how to call em, and make it easier on all of us. :)) luv you

ok... shall we mooooove on?
how 'bout we talk about what a frea-king lazy cow i was yesterday?

yep-- kinda like that one.
only not as cute.
ihave i mentioned, that i adore cows?
i love them. i just think they are the cutest food -source ever.
:))

ok, anyhow. if you read yesterday- you know there was -- ugh.. i don't wanna say it.
there was another law and order svu marathon on tv. i tried not to give in. i thought i might be able to be strong, and do my chores, pay my bills, that kind of thing.
oh nooooo. that didn't happen. soulkid beckoned as soon as she saw that it was on, and i was her plaything for the rest of the day. from like 1 pm-- til whenever i passed out. and even then-- she woke up and told me i wasn't allowed to go to sleep til it was over--- the whole lazathon! ummm... sorry -- i took my meds at 9-- i have a schedule :)) hahah. anyhow -- i did sit up and attempt to watch some more-- i smoked a cig-- and talked to her a little-- but after that? i was out again.
days like that are a mixed bag of emotions for me-- y'all know that.
it was so much harder this time. the first day of the new year spent like THAT. hmmmm. NOT my intention. but-- that's just the way things go sometimes.
y'all already know the upside to it tho-- and the downside. the downside -- the part of it anyhow that always makes me feel the worse-- is neglecting soulman. it really bothered me this time. i texted -- yes--- from the bedroom... told ya i was lazy.
bleh. but i just couldn't stop thinking of how he was out here alone and we were locked in the bedroom with stabler and benson all day. i felt really bad.

soulman, of course watched football... it was 'bobby bowden' of florida state football's, last time to coach a game. i didn't care to watch-- even tho i really wanted and hoped that they would win. and they did! woo hoo! so-- i knew he was ok for that few hours, and he was happy to watch bobby bowden (coach)-- go out in a blaze of glory.

so anyhow-- that was our new years day-- tv in separate rooms.. all friggin day long.
and of course-- soulman kept us nourished through the day-- and he did come in a couple times to visit-- and once to eat-- and share-- not me, thanks-- his MRE that he got on base. GAG ME. good lord we all need to get some sort of care package of yummies sent to 'any soldier' out there. i tasted a cookie. a cookie, for goodness sakes-- i would rather starve to death. it tasted like the desert... soulkid said they were good. i took a nibble- and gave sushi the rest. i coulda puked. after soulman ate his 'beef enchilada, and refried beans--- i asked if he could live on those for a year?
he said he could, but he wouldn't like to.
ugh-- it was gross just to watch them-- soulkid had a few tastes of things-- cookies, crackers, i guess that's all she was willing to try.
ugh, it was just gross. good lawd i feel for those poor soldiers that have no choice but to eat that crap.

oh-- well, one more thing before i go-- what'd we do new years eve--
it was of course a soul clan kinda outing--
cuz we're us ya know.

we had plans to go out-- yes! into the real world. this would be the first NYE that we left the house on NYE since soulkid was born ! so what-- we were weird and overprotective.

so-- off we go-- we got a late start for what was supposed to be an early arrival to watch "AVATAR" on IMAX in 3-D.
how do ya think that worked out?
yeh, it didn't.
so. we got a refund.. cuz the theater was soooo friggin packed we woulda had to sit in the front row-- and y'all know-- with y neck stuff goin on... that just aint gonna happen.
so yeh, we get a refund on our tickets, and we go. now what? who knows. we sit in the car for a minute, check movie times at other theaters. find one somewhere else-- but of course 'avatar' is sold out all over town. so we head to another theater-- buy tickets for a movie -- that i can't even remember now. it was gonna start in like an hour and a half. soulkid was starving, hadn't eaten all day, and was acting like she was in her terrible twos for it. so we then walk down to a place to eat. soulman had earlier tried to make reservations around town-- every where was booked-- and some folks even laughed at him.. trying to make dinner reservations ON NYE.
well, we found a place to eat near the theater-- not bad-- a pub type place-- but could i smoke-- oh nooooo. could i smoke outside? sure-- in 34 degrees. y'all know i loved that.
so anyhow- turns out we finished eating too soon, so we changed our movie tickets-- which now i remember-- actually were for avatar 3D-- just not in imax. so-- yeh, we changed our tickets to see
sherlock holms.
FAIL.
i didn't even wanna see it at all-- but they did. i only went along for the fact that it was an entire hour shorter than avatar, and i wanted to go home. have i mentioned i love home. and i hate being not home? well, i do.
so yeh. we go in to see sherlock ...
1- we sit through 15 minutes of previews-
2- the 'movie' finally starts-- woo hoo!!!!
3-- but wait-
4- this isn't sherlock holmes
5- this is-- it can't be-
6- it's frickin ALVIN and the chipmunks!!!!
7-- OMG just take me home!

people start grunting, mumbling, gettin up, bein all confused, many walked out.
we stood up , but i already knew by all the confusion that it was the theaters fault so we sat back down. in a few minutes the manager comes in-- and announces a scheduling error.
well duh.
says it'll be five minutes-
one lady yells out free popcorn!
y'all know me-- i go for the big guns-- i yell out
"free tickets!!!!"

anyhow-- there was no five minutes about it-- we sat there jibber jawin for at least twenty more minutes before they got the new movie goin-- the right movie-- but of course---
another 15 minutes of very crappy previews.
by this time i was sooo ready to just go the hell home.
remember, i didn't even want to watch this movie. just not my thing.
so. the movies on, finally. everyone quiets down, settles in, watches the movie--
we end up with a damn crying 2 year old behind us. perfect-
of course, dad doesn't wanna take him out. he has the weirdest cry. soulman thought he was choking. i didn't know what to think.
dad finally -- and obviously, angrily, takes the kid out. all the while-- you know he's pinching him or something-- cuz the poor kid keeps saying owie, ouch, etc.
which of course makes it more distracting. cuz now i wanna kick dads ass.
so they get back-- only for that scenario to repeat itself twenty minutes later.
in the meantime-- soulkid is asleep--- until the final ten minutes of the movie-- that SHE wanted to see.
when we leave-- soulmans critique just isn't worth the paper the tickets were printed on.
the only good that came from that movie?
on our way out-- we ALL got FREE passes to another movie!!!
so it wasn't a total waste. just kinda painful.
obtw-- if i didn't mention it-- i didn't like the movie. or the experience at all.

so-- after that we came home-- almost turned in a drunk driver that we watched for about five miles-- but he turned.

we got home-- watched tv and piddled around. checked out some of jlees work she does . can't tell ya what it is -- cuz -- nevermind -- not only a old joke- but a bad one too.
so we watched the ball drop-- did our trusty traditional toast-- got in a fight with soulkid for bein a brat at the wrong moment--- oh did i say that out loud? sorry.
then we made amends-- stayed up til about two a.m. that's murder for this ole lady.
(but like i said-- without my horse pills-- i'd never sleep anyways)

so. that was new years at the soul crib.

my new years starts for real as of today-- maybe tomorrow i will share with you the things i hope to change in myself for the upcoming year.
i didn't make resolutions... but i do need to do some things differently.

now-- i have had charlotte on hold on yahoo chat for like thirty inutes-- so i must go talk to her before she hangs up on me.

happy days in your worlds today!!!!