go ahead and say it- you won't be the first one

"brezz, you talk too damn much !"

yes, i know i do. thank you. :))

so. yeh, this does happen to be my second post for today, i just can't help myself.
well, i could if i wanted to. this passed week or so- when i feel the need to blab my head off too much; i do so, on my other blog. the one that no one has to endure.
not that anyone has to endure this one. none of you have to do anything you don't want to do. do ya.

anyways-- wonderin what's so important (to me) that i have to spill it at almost 9 pm?
well, i'll tell ya. as if you had any doubt, right?

k, well, ya see... ? i thought folks (at least those of you so far- who have been reading-- or have read 'soul-survivor' before coming here) - had at least a little bit of insight into who i am. ya know what i mean? i thought i could open this page up-- and not have to explain myself, or defend myself. remember me sayin that on like post #2 here?
well, i did say that. i said i didn't want to. i said i shouldn't have to. and guess where i stand right now? on the defense. that's where.


and like i said before--- i don't like to be there. so. how did i get here? cuz i reckon i was a dumbass maybe? but again, like i said--- i am not 'hiding' from anyone with this blog, nor by closing soul survivor. (my other one.) so, in not being 'incognito' - a few folks came over to have a look at the place.

y'all know who you are. you shoulda just said something. because half of what you read here YOU took out of context- or it wasn't directed at YOU. if you took it as being directed at you-- then maybe we should talk about why you feel guilty-- or why I feel the way I do. ya think?

anyone in the dark yet? oh i know MOST of you are-- and i apolOGIZE. sincerely.
this is just the childish games i was talkin about before.
but-- i'm not runnin this time. this is my turf. and if i end up writing for myself here then that's just how it is. i reckon. but i really don't see that happening.

good lord. i'm too old for this. who in their right mind, at the age of like 65, is gonna mess around with someones head and heart-- who has a damned mental illness?
right in the middle of that person trying to work things out , no less?
and another-- who knows more about said person than even her own sister--- to egg her on? oh pahleeze.

i so want to spew exactly what and who i'm talkin about here-- i just can't do it. i can't. i can't i can't.
i'm not that type of person.

ok-- i'll change the subject now-- because i bet it aint makin a lick-a-sense is it.
that's because i'm not feedin the BS right now. i could make a couple people look pretty bad right now. i just won't. if 50 and 60 year old women -- with 'supposedly normal' minds, want to act like children? let em... go ahead and let them enjoy their petty games.

see how far that takes them.

i will just be my ramblin nonsensical, bi-polar -- ooooh scary huh-- self--- , and roll with the punches like i always do. you see what happens to people like me-- and you see what happens to people like them.

what comes around goes around. is it karma? is it crap? is it really turning the other cheek?

cuz i'll tell ya--- i have seen hell more than once--- and i have crawled my way out -- more than once. i've knocked on deaths door-- and no one answered...
i have many scars from this battle i call my life--- the reason i continue in this war? crawl out of the pits i find myself in? because-- God has a purpose for me.
maybe i know what it is--- maybe i don't. i think i am gettin pretty close to figuring it out. the more i get shot in the back? the stronger i get... which means, i become a stronger testimonial of what God can do. even in the most insignificant of lives.

lil ole agoraphobic, bi-polar, bass fishin, crippled, me.

why? because :

or-- does He?
below is a poem i wrote the day i closed my blog.
first poem i have completed in several years.
maybe i shouldn't put it here- maybe i should-
it may be the closest i can get to
"explaining myself"
or my feelings.
as messed up as they may be.

not what i thought it would be

i used to wake up with a song in my head - but that was long ago.
i'd spring out of bed with a pep in my step - 'til even I betrayed my soul.
these days i am older with pain by my side- only one more form of loss.
i roll out of bed and i feel like i've died. - then become angry because i have not.

my first sip of coffee is followed with pills-
a few for the pain and a few more for my ills.
each day is the same as i age in this life.
my body is failing just as quick as my mind.

i trust less in this world, the paths that i cross.
though beginnings be cautious, they all end in loss.
as mapped over time, true colors are shown,
my heart lies exposed , while daggers are thrown.

it's always been this way for me. yet each betrayal feels new.
each time my heart is thrown to the ground, right behind it, my battered soul .
like a child would, i put the pain away, again waiting for one who won't leave.
though human i am, and human i'll be, tears forever staining my sleeve.

i must protect what's left of me,
before more of your lies are revealed.
it took some time , but now i see,
i must be alone to heal.

i never hid who i am, i laid myself at your feet.
i let the world see the good and evil in me.
i put it all out there, never holding anything back.
while most of you hid behind half truths and masks.

i am who i am, and for no one i'll change.
once again as i watch my small world walk away.
if what i have given was merely amusement for you,
there's plenty more waiting for your cunning abuse.

BMB
jan-10-2010

paranoid? delusional? downside of bipolar? neglected? rejected? childish? immature?

what do i say here? what do i say now?
all of the above?

really, i am on the upswing this last day or so. ok-- as of today :))
did i say i cleaned my kitchen today? well i did. and it sparkles. and even tho i was sore as hell when i was done? i was damn proud of myself. i proved to myself that i could do it. and do it the way I like it done. i didn't go pay someone to do it. i didn't wait for stez to do it. i just put on some tunage, and busted my ass. looks mahvelous.
if the weather is nice tomorrow? i just might go wet a line.
and hopefully-- find a big ass bass on the other end :))

anyhow--- that's that-- and more.
i really would like to continue this thing the rest of the way without any more confrontation, or explanation, or most of all-- feeling defensive-- or worse, defenseless .

coffee's on folks, have a cuppa and smoke-- or whatevah---
just don't jerk me around-
if i end up closin another blog? i won't come back-- incognito or otherwise.
just sayin. no threatenin.. no beggin. no nuthin. just sayin.

can i redeem myself?

can y'all forgive me?
i know i've done wrong-
i also know i've been done wrong.
up to now-- it's all good--
no bad blood- at least with those i've 'talked with'
and yes-- my bad-
'partly'
i won't take all the blame- all the time- anymore

goodnight folks--

don't be hatin :))