someone told me i'm still alive

would y'all believe that it is 52 degrees (F) here in the great state of texas, right now?? oh but it is-- and i'm likin it. actually -- i'm hot-- i wish this could be the end of winter. i wanna be normal, i wanna wear my vans-- and shorts- i wanna go out to lunch. and i wanna go fishin--- half nekkid--- without freezin. what has happened to my life? i can't even grasp it all myself ya know. some of the stuff that has happened in this family over the past -- almost year or so-- it's tough to find words for. it has been a crazy ride. i'll tell ya that much.
i am not immune-- i have caused some harm to folks-- NOT physically-- but hurt is hurt. and i have been a pretty selfish gal for quite some time. not always.. but i have. and i have all but cut myself off from everyone-- yes-- y'all/ seein as all my friends live in the computer. :)) i think josie 2 shoes came up with that line. but it so fits. whoever thought of it.
back then.. we were like the three muskateers.. her, jamie, and me. then either we, or y'all made our way out into the bigger blogland -- and things slowed down a lot. or maybe i should say-- got faster. either we would find new or diferent blogs to read, and make friends with.. and the next thing we knew-- we were all linked up to like 20-30 more blogs. many the same-- some, the others didn't know. but in so doing-- our, possibly circle of five.. almost left us each on our own-- well, i mean finding people we were closer to-- either by location, or emotionally. then it was kinda like the "big blast" - whatever, right?

blogging , for me, obviously became my top priority. i was allowed tho-- bloging was my job. :))

i don't know how it happened really, but something changed. maybe we changed. i know that today, each of us are standing in different stages-- than when we met. back then.. we all had so much in common.. we would say the same thing at the same time. three bodies yet one mind.
and we have continued to change on our journey here.
people come, and people go. people dissapoint and people give us the strength that we need -- even if just for a day. my day was never complete til i "interacted" with my peeps.


each of us three had some major life issues. and maybe in search of something rather than tough times-- branched out a bit--- then we met all of y'all ... most of you were or are in that original...but larger..lil circle. so much has changed-- like for instance-- my throat feels like i swallowed a quart of sand at the moment-- so i ned to get somethin to drink. ahhhh, that's mo bettah-


blogging seemed to start to get in the way of real life. it gave me a way to isolate-- without feeling lonely. because i honestly did not leave my front door unless i absolutely had to. for the kid-- for food-- dr appointments--- yes i know that one surprised ya. :))
just the have to do's or have to haves would make me force myself out that door.-- and i'm sittin here thinkin... look how far you've come soul. yes--ask jamie -- i do talk to myself. :)) but anyhow , .. as much as i loved blogging, and meeting new people, seeing how much i shared in common with y'all, i wasn't so cripling sad, so consistently. but i also learned that i could actually care about someone -- outside of my locked doors.
hell... i learned that i actually did have the courage to leave the house. it began with fishing. believe it or not. soulkid had to go to summer school a couple grades ago-- but it only lasted about 6 or 8 weeks.. and i could drop her off ...come home..and blog alone. OR -- i could go fishin during that early morning bite-time, and then go get her. so i began to go fishin every single day of the week. ! that's my passion. l fishin and writin. but-- this past -- maybe year-- or six or 8 months.. who knows... anymore? i don't. life changed. i let more people in. and some actually found me interesting. me? how could that be? i don't even have a job. just a ex navy mechanic... with body and mind problems.
and ya know what? no one minded -- much. only a few have wavered-- come and gone. most of the first 12 or so folks still read and talk here. but even so-- without the friends i have here-- their advice--and prayers-- have gotten me to a diferent level in my life. i've learned so much from y'all. not only that i MUST get OUTSIDE. y'all also taught me coping skillz. ya know what i mean? just that some have really saved my life-- and i do mean that literally. fo-shizzle. :))

i just got a baaad feeling that i'm repeating myself. maybe i am , who knows? but i can't like it wen i do that.
i guess i lost my train of thought yet again.
maybe i was gonna say-- i guess i ended up saying stuff on here, and it was selfish of me to think that folks would understand. that's when i deleted about half of my posts. i still get sick stomach just thinkin about that. i got paranoid. i didn't want "new" folks knowing so much about me-- so once again... i let fear overrun my life. and deleted very much a part of me here in these pages.
ya know what-- i don't think i have a clue of what i'm even talkin about here.
obviously--not enough sleep-- again. and simply ERG. tough year.. and another already in the second month. 2008 was the longest -- maybe hardest and confusing -- of all my adult years. i had a lot of growing up to do-- and perhaps i still have more in front of me.

here's some past , present , and future -- to fill you in on a few things-- or nuthin.. who knows?
letsee.

anyhow-- yep i am being a bit avoidant--maybe quiet- of some things here. but i will say-- soulkid has been having lots of trouble this past -- at least the past year. longer really. perhaps.
i hate to put any blame on her actions-- but as a mom, i carry a lot of her stuff.
i hate to see her hurt. especially when i can't help.
and now you ask me "why could you not help..she's a kid. . right? well, i kinda know that kids don't talk about their parents muich-- not a cool topic at their ages i spose.
but i have had many health issues myself over the past year. mainly the new or diferent ones stick out in my mind--- like starting to have grandmal seizures-- convulsions. i've had 3 in the last.. 7 or 8 months i guess.

soulman was with me for the first-- the other two-- not sure.. 3rd i was asleep -- alone cuz soulman had gone out of town. then the third-- pretty recently, like in the last couple weeks or so.

i guess it took me and a pulmonery embolism. (blood clot in my lung.) that one almost killed me to show me that life isn't quite so bad. so when that happened i spent a week in the hospital--- and the next three weeks or so, in terrible pain, in bed. total waste of air. ugh. i thought i would never recover. i have tho-- well sort of. somethin like that takes a lot out of ya-- and i know you know how that can be.

there's just so much strange medical -- and yes mental too-- crap out here has really made me question my existance. i mean for real. i'm so isolated, yep still - or back at doin the hide out thing. so then THAT leads to more stress, and i just wonder-- a lot-- why God brings me so close to death-- and now so often.. and then.. i don't know.. he changes his mind?? it seems that as soon as i get a decent doctor--or yet another diagnosis.. i roll backwards down the hill i been trying to get over. i really wish i could finally find a doc who would really really dig deep, and lump my umpteen diagnoses into one. i keep thinkin gulf war syndrome..or lupus- and now epilepsy. it's insane, and i never feel good. and yet-- i think of y'all who are sick or in pain..-- my dad-- my father in law-- and the big C(ancer) > possibly comin right at me. ugh. so ya, that's my life wrapped up in a nut case. i skimmed some details to protect the innocent-- who in this case-- would be you :)

i guess this is where peeps say "God's not done with you yet". umm hello, could it be a smoother ride then??
seems everyone i know is sick in some way-- yes i know-- i don't know many peeps-- perhaps that's why i have such a bad time with just accepting, and living.. while i can. ya know? but i don't. i keep people at a distance-- i stay home-- or fish alone.. sometimes with soulman-- mostly i go while he is at
work on a nice day. i haven't been very much since it started gettin cold. i sure do love it tho. it's already hot here--and the sun isnt up! i really should be at my pond--RIGHT NOW. too lathargic though.

also, my damn med issues, don't help any. sometimes peep get mad at me, over something i have little to NO control over.
i had a brain scan done-- an mri - about a week or two ago-- it didn't look good. well-- didn't sound good. i didnt really see it. obviously. but the results-- original-rough draft results? i have lesions on my brain (2), and "evidence of a deep stroke. so-- wth is that? i don't even wanna hear myself talk about my medical isues. but this test- the brainscan--- showing lesions, me havin seizures, and the pain..oh lord the pain i'm in sometimes with headaches and migraines-- not to even mention the other pain.. it really makes me spend a lot of time in my head-- and my head isn't very nice to me. so apparently, my head already began disigning my headstone!. bah!

anways-- that's my mind in first gear. ok fifth gear-- my body is still stuck in first-- but i do believe the sun is about to show itself-- and i am outtah heah!!

THIS IS WHERE I WANNA BE